Healing Betrayal: The Path to Trust Again
In a revealing conversation on the Living the Dream Podcast, Dr. Bruce Chalmer brings over 30 years of experience working with couples to share profound insights about relationship healing and growth. As a psychologist, writer, and podcaster, Dr. Chalmer has developed a unique perspective on what makes relationships thrive, even after serious betrayal.
One of the most enlightening moments in the discussion comes when Dr. Chalmer redefines forgiveness. "Forgiveness is an inside job," he explains, challenging the common misconception that forgiving means restoring trust or continuing a relationship. Instead, he frames forgiveness as a personal process of letting go of anger and obsession—something we do for ourselves, regardless of whether the relationship continues. This perspective empowers those who have been betrayed, giving them agency even when trust has been shattered. It allows for personal healing while creating space to think clearly about whether the relationship should continue.
Perhaps the most counterintuitive insight Dr. Chalmer shares is that communication techniques aren't the solution to relationship problems. While many couples enter therapy believing they need to "communicate better," Dr. Chalmer asserts that the issue isn't the method of communication but the content. "The problem isn't that they don't know how to communicate. In fact, they are communicating, usually very, very effectively. The problem is what they are communicating," he explains. He likens teaching communication techniques without addressing underlying relationship issues to assuming that grunting like professional tennis players will make you a tennis champion—it gets the causation backward.
Dr. Chalmer introduces his concept of "stability and intimacy" as the two golden keys to relationship success. Stability represents security and predictability, while intimacy involves showing up authentically with yourself and your partner. What makes this framework particularly useful is his observation that the skills required for each are fundamentally different. Stability requires anxiety management, while intimacy necessitates the ability to tolerate anxiety rather than avoid it. This tension explains why many couples fall into what Dr. Chalmer calls the "death spiral for passion"—prioritizing stability to the point where honest expression gets suppressed, eventually erupting in destructive ways like infidelity.
The culmination of Dr. Chalmer's relationship philosophy comes in his elegantly simple seven-word formula: "Be kind, don't panic, and have faith." This mantra encapsulates his approach to couple's therapy. Kindness acknowledges the fundamental kinship between partners. The instruction not to panic recognizes that fear responses make kindness impossible. And faith—not necessarily religious faith, though it's compatible with it—represents the belief that even painful situations contain meaning and opportunities for growth.
What makes Dr. Chalmer's approach particularly refreshing is his deep respect for the people he works with. He repeatedly emphasizes that most couples aren't "crazy, evil, or stupid," but rather good people facing difficult circumstances. This faith in people's fundamental validity allows him to help couples find their own solutions rather than prescribing how they should live. As he puts it, "I know I do not know better than they do how they should live their lives."
The conversation offers valuable insights for anyone in a relationship, particularly those facing challenges like betrayal or disconnection. Dr. Chalmer's podcast "Couples Therapy in Seven Words," co-hosted with his wife Judy Alexander, continues to explore these themes with guests from around the world, providing a resource for those seeking to understand and improve their relationships through kindness, calm, and faith.
