Darryl ❤️King lets the ladies know what men really think about your body image
Chyanne ❤️Queen lets the lads know what the ladies think about inappropriate
Michelle St Jane 00:01
Welcome to Life and Leadership. I believe in creating community, connections and creating space to be curious. This podcast aims to take you on a conscious journey to quality, diverse, innovative content in conversation. My hope is that we create a circle of influence, a transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world, and the wide universe.
Welcome to an episode with her story, his story and their story. Quite an interesting online dating story here with Chyanne and Darryl.
Ever feel like you could use a virtual assistant to troll the online market for viable partners? In 2017, Justin Long, co- founder of bernie.ai. Among his other adventures, he created a personal assistant for dating that was tested on Tinder.
Justin, a Canadian, was demoralized with how long his mates were on dating apps. He started to think about how the process could be improved. So he developed AI using deep learning programs and facial recognition software to search for a possible partner and write the first message. According to his blog, he found a girlfriend and formed a team.
Let's join Chyanne who tells of her dating experience, and Darryl who tells of his. Then they come together, and they tell you the rest of the story.
Chyanne, welcome, it's so cool to have you on this online dating series. I would love for you to share about your experiences and why you got on the online dating site?
Yes, you bet for sure. So it was actually a funny story on how I even got signed up for online dating. A male friend of mine signed up online dating and had mentioned that he just wasn't getting the type of women replying to his bio that he’d thought that he would be attracting. He had made a comment about like:
“Am I just that bad? like: Are there that many great men out there that I'm getting all of these women that are nothing like what I want?”
Then he had said to me:
“You should sign up on this site, you can tell me what the men look like.”
I was like: “Okay, fair enough.”
You want to help out a friend and why not? Right. So I signed up for this online dating site and made myself a profile.
Because the two of us were very similar in what we liked in a partner, I thought I would attract him. He was more like the type of person I’d attract to my profile, and that's actually why I ended up signing up.
We had spent just a couple of days here and there checking out each other's profiles and the people that we were getting matched up with.
It was just more of a joke to start, and I had left it alone. I didn't really go into my account much, and I ended up actually moving out of the community that we live in now. I moved eight hours away, on my own, to a place that I didn't really know a lot of people and sit there for a few months in a little shock by yourself.
You're like: “Maybe I'll go back on this online dating site and see if I can meet some people that way.”
I went back on it and the same thing happened for me as my friend actually. I had a lot of people that just weren't the type of person that I was looking for, and so it was a lot of messaging back saying, “thank you but no thank you.”
Some crude people on there too. I'm thinking: “Did you even read my profile? It definitely says that I am looking for long term.”
It amazes me of how many guys were so blunt on some of the things that they wanted. I did actually end up going on two dates while I was in that city with people, and it was just first dates. That was it. It was nothing that I really thought would work out, and so I left it again. I left my profile and I ended up having to move back home.
I don't know why I went back on the dating site. I think, because at the time I probably would have been about 27, thinking and mindset of “Woe is me, I'm 27 what is wrong with me? Why do guys don't like me?”
To me, I'm a fairly beautiful person, like I have a good soul. I'm usually physically fit. I'm educated.
Now I'm thinking: What is wrong with me?
I think I just went back on the site to see if I could find some more fish in the sea. Again, a lot of people that just weren't my type matched and there's a lot of messages. I’m thinking that their profile wasn't what I was looking for. I just skimmed through them.
I met a guy on there and went on actually quite a few dates. I met his mom, really liked the guy and I was like: “This is great. This is what it should be.” Then he ghosted me! I thought: “What the heck? What did I do wrong?”
I think there is a difference between being a 28-year-old dater that has been in a long-term relationship as opposed to the 19- or 20-year-old dater that hadn't really loved herself.
At 28, I was like: “Screw you. If you don't like me for me, I don't care. I'm not going to try to phone you, I'm not gonna chase you. I'm good.” So I left it at that.
I didn't really go on the site again.
One day, I got a pop up from someone. It was Darryl. We got chatting a little bit and he had told me: “Hey, I reached out to you before and you ignored my message.” And I thought, I don't think so. I didn't believe him because I'm a very visual person. I don't usually forget people's faces and so I had just said to him: “If you did message me before, you must have changed your pictures, you must have changed your profile, because this person is not what I have ever seen before.”
We lined up a date and at this point. I was just so frustrated with dating and really focused on my career that I didn't want to waste any time.
I told Darryl that I could meet him for coffee in the morning because that's all I had time, and I thought to myself, “what's 20 minutes? Usually I can tell in 20 minutes if I like somebody or not.”
So it was a yes and we met for coffee and then the rest is history.
We had an extremely long first date. I often describe it as an interrogation. I have been interviewed a lot for jobs. I used to do pageant stuff.
Sitting down with Darryl on our first date was a combination of all of those interviews I had ever done in my entire life.
Michelle St Jane 06:31
Clearly he did well. So with regards to your online dating, can you tell some stories about the guys you met, which gave you learning-full moments?
I think for me, I really did try to weed out people as much as I could in the chatting process. I was the type of person that was like, “if I scare you through text then you're not worth my time.”
I was the person that was like:
I think some people that I've talked to get lost in almost hiding their feelings or what their intentions are, because they are scared that they're going to scare someone away.
As a woman, you're always really worried that if you tell people that you want to get married within a year or two years, and you want to have babies and all this stuff, that it just scares people away.
I definitely was in the mindset of, if I'm going to scare you away by telling you what I want, then you're not the right one for me. I think that was a big thing that I really learned quickly, when I actually decided that I was going to use the dating site for a dating site.
Michelle St Jane 07:41
The messages, don't you just love that?
Yes, and those ones were the ones that I didn't reply to you. Which is why, again, like what I said to Darryl: “I think that you weren't messaging me from the same profile or in the same way, because I would have answered you, if you would have actually had a proper conversation with me.”
When people reach out and they're like: “You're beautiful.” That's not a conversation, you didn't even follow it up. Like you didn't even say “you're beautiful, what are you interested in?” That would have been an okay conversation, I could have gone with that. If you can't even start a conversation, how are we going to have a meaningful relationship and conversation in person?
Michelle St Jane 08:20
How long are you on the dating sites and which ones did you use?
I think I want to say that I was signed up for over a year, because of that initial sign up with my friend. I only used it as an actual dating site, as a beta test for maybe four months.
Michelle St Jane 08:40
You've mentioned the guy that you got to meet his mother, and then he ghosted you, do you have any other stories?
Can you categorize the kinds of men who got past the chat test?
It was funny because like I said, I only went on those two dates whenever I was in the other city. Then the one here and then Darryl. That’s four dates out of the whole process. I guess I really didn't believe in it. I didn't think that it was possible.
Mind you like this was like eight or nine years ago. Online dating was wasn't as big as it is now.
For me, I was always a little bit more of that traditional kind of girl. Meeting somebody through people that you know because:
Darryl laughed at me because I said to him: “If you are not Google-able, for me to be able to do a check on you, you're not the type of person that I want to be in a relationship with.” Maybe when you're an RCMP [police] officer, you know you can't have your life story online.
Michelle St Jane 09:41
That's really good advice. In fact, Tinder has introduced a panic button. I think, and other dating sites are following that. I'm going to add some research around criminal behavior on the dating sites.
You and Darryl did this 10–12-hour date.
I was quite impressed that you were actually willing to hop in his vehicle and go do your errands with him.
I'm pretty sure my parents probably would have been like: “Don't do it.”
I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. I have worked in customer service and been close with clients since I was 19, and I just get a good sense if something is a good situation or a bad situation.
I definitely had that kind of little mom voice in your head that was like: “Is it a good idea to get in a vehicle with this guy?”
For me, I just think sometimes in life you really just gotta take chances, and I didn't want to mess up the vibe that we had going on because we had such a good conversation throughout breakfast.
For me, I think a really important part of being in a relationship is to see how you jive on the everyday aspect of things. We would all love to be the bachelor and be on a beach, skydiving and doing all these fun things.
Darryl and I often talk about this, that on vacation and Darryl Chyanne are different people. Like I am super fun on vacation but in real life, I am more kind of: “you need to get this done.”
I have a schedule, like we have to do this.
I think I was just thinking, if we can do everyday stuff together, and he is okay with the way that I am then this would work. Again, I don't want to waste time, let's just get this all done. Let's get three dates done in one.
Michelle St Jane 11:23
I think you hit the goal with Darryl, that's for sure.
You go off with this man to do your grocery shopping and your errands in his vehicle, I really want you to share the story about the deer.
Yes, you bet. We had gone grocery shopping and stuff, and both of us at that time were actually really big into going to the gym. I had said to him that I had plans on going to the gym that day, did he want to come with me? He obviously didn't have his gym stuff, on a date with him, so he had mentioned that he needed to run home and grab his gym equipment or his gym outfit or whatever.
That's actually when I was like: “Crap, going to somebody's house is just, as a woman, it's really not the smartest idea when you don't know them.”
When we pulled up to his house, I had said to him:
“Okay, can I just sit in the vehicle? I'm going to answer some messages while you go and do that.”
Me thinking this is the safer version. I'm in the truck, there's people around me, this will be good.
He says: “Yeah, not a problem,” and he jumps out, hits the button for the garage door to open.
I'm on my phone doing my thing, and I just happened to look up as the door is going up, and there's this deer hanging in the garage and all I can think was if this was a girl that maybe didn't grew up on a farm or wasn't familiar with hunting, that poor girl probably would have had a heart attack.
But it was the funniest thing because I don't know if that was my test for him, that he was like if she can handle seeing this deer that she's the one for me. I don't know, I never actually asked him if that was my test, but I was just like, what did I get myself into?
Michelle St Jane 13:05
But turns out, he was a hunter.
Yeah. Somebody in the house had killed the deer earlier in the day while he was out.
Michelle St Jane 13:20
When you were doing the dating, did you get dick pics?
Not so much from online dating, but in my real life, I have definitely gotten some pictures that I did not ask for.
I have always been a big believer in not sending pictures to people that you wouldn't want out on the internet. My mom and dad raised us like that, and so I don't send nudes even to Darryl now that we're married. Like he doesn't get them even if he asks for them.
I'm like the amount of people that just willingly share these pictures of themselves is mind blowing and as a woman, to open your phone and to think that you're getting this nice picture of this guy and you get these pictures, that you didn't even think that you were going to get. Yes, it's just mind blowing for me. I don't understand why anyone would want to send a picture of their dick to somebody, especially if they never asked for it.
Michelle St Jane 14:33
Well said. That would be an immediate block and delete for me. Moment right in person, both parties agreeable, perhaps.
Chyanne, you have a fabulous story. Any last tips before we wrap up?
I think for me, on the online dating side of things, I really think it doesn't matter, man or woman, it doesn't matter.
I think being honest in your profile is the number one.
I think, if you can just post pictures of yourself that is the raw version of you, is going to help you find the person that loves you for who you are faster.
There's so many people that like to fluff their bio and for me, I'm just like: Why?
Such a non-time waster that for me.
I just think like be blunt, don't be scary but people will be open about what they want. And I think it'll help you find the right match a lot faster so that you're not having to go through all those extra awkward dates.
Michelle St Jane 16:07
Well, those are words of wisdom from Chyanne. Thank you so much, and for the things that we've referenced that you guys have done a podcast on, I'm going to put in the show notes because there are awesome episodes.
Welcome, Darryl, I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Why did you get into the online dating arena?
I think it's probably the same reason everybody else does. You tend to go through a divorce, that's what was my path obviously on how I got into it.
When I got married, online dating never really existed. So this was kind of a new thing for me and I think a lot of people go through a different process when they do online dating, I think I went through that same process. It just allowed me to connect with my future wife, but through that entire process, you connect with a lot of different people with a lot of different agendas, I guess if you could tell.
Michelle St Jane 17:01
How long were you on and what type of dating sites or apps did you choose to use?
To be honest with you, I wasn't on for very long, I guess. Some people are on there for quite some time, maybe a year or two. However, I think it was only about 10 months, is where it ended up for me. I used Plenty of Fish at that time, and I think match.com, there was eHarmony. But eHarmony was not something for me, I guess at that time. Didn’t have were Tinder and all that stuff back when we were getting into it.
Michelle St Jane 17:40
You've obviously been successful, met your future wife.
What would you say your successful strategies were?
What would your top three tips be?
Well, actually, that's a good, good question. I think successful, the meaning of it is arbitrary. I think people, there's different levels of success and I think that, for us, our level of success really goes down to more on a personal level. That's where we deem our success.
I think between Chyanne and myself, we tend to focus on ensuring that:
A lot of entrepreneurs probably get into the groove where the business sometimes takes priority over the relationship.
My biggest tip would be that we tend to always find time to come back and recenter ourselves, and focus. Ensuring that we're okay with the situation.
Many times we've been in bed and the phones are out, and we're answering emails and social posts.
Everyone knows how that game goes but ultimately, I think we've had some arguments about why are you on your phone, we're not perfect. Again, the level of success I think comes from when we can say those things in bed or we can say those things to each other, and nobody really gets upset. They just kind of go: You're absolutely right. Show some empathy and be able to come back to center and focus on each other.
Michelle St Jane 19:04
A lot of wisdom about your relationships there, Darryl. Thank you for sharing.
Going back to your online dating experience, can you share a good/bad and a little strange story with the listeners?
I don't know what level of censorship your medium is. However, the good part of social media and the good part of online dating is that you can be anybody you want.
You can project whatever type of energy that you want out there and attract ultimately what you want.
Deep down, I think it is where you tell people all the time that you really need to figure out who you are and then be able to put that out there.
I guess the bad story for me actually involves my wife earlier on the stage of online dating. I was focusing on getting hookups and trying to live that single life because you're divorced. You tell all your friends: “Yeah, I'm going to go out there and have some fun and be that guy.” The success stories obviously, tap in as well. But the non-successful story, when I had reached out and contacted Chyanne, she just basically told me I was crazy. Never responded at all so I had to move on.
By probably eight months later, I realized that when I got home, I was really lonely. The life that I was living, obviously was successful. I guess, if you will, on an online dating perspective. But there was no substance there. There was nothing tangible. There was nothing solid and concrete.
I think that I kind of hit a rock bottom there and said: “I think I really rather just have somebody that I can come home to and be happy with and trust.”
I reached out to her again, and the rest is history.
Michelle St Jane 20:44
You hit gold.
I've heard you make references to being a ‘ginger.’
Does it really have an impact? I can remember and I'm probably going to date myself, it was shows like ‘Hill Street Blues.’. The had characters was a red headed man who was strong and vibrant and quite delightful.
So I've heard you speak about being a ginger, was that the negative or positive? How did that work for you?
In terms of online dating, or just in terms of being a ginger in general?
Michelle St Jane 21:13
It's up to you.
Well, in terms of online dating, I don't think that there was a difference between being a ginger and not being a ginger, there's no disadvantage. Obviously, people like or dislike on a personal level, and they want to involve people in their lives of all kinds.
When it comes to being a ginger, as I was growing up, there were some issues. I've found that once I met Chyanne that she had kind of brought it up a few times. Some of the stereotypes about gingers of getting hangry and those sorts of things. It definitely helped me realize that that stuff actually is true. I should probably eat before:
Michelle St Jane 21:56
Isn't it wonderful how you can evolve through a quality relationship? Thank you for sharing.
You were also divorced or were you not yet legally divorced when you went on the online dating? I think there's been some relevant conversation around being separated and being divorced as an issue, but for you, as a man, did it bother you? If you were looking for The One, would it bother you that she's still in a relationship? Or do you think how you portray yourself and your status can have an impact?
That's a great question.
I think that when I first got together with Chyanne, whether it be connecting through the online dating site or even in person, I had put out there that I was separated. I guess the term separated didn't actually mean to me what it means legally. Separated to me means that there is no chance of me going back to my previous life or my previous marriage. That opportunity for me was set in stone.
But Chyanne felt differently. She felt that I embellished a bit on my profile that I wasn't really separated, I was still going through my separation.
I don't know if actually it would have changed anything with Chyanne and I.
Ultimately, I think that if you're honest, right off the get go, that's the type of thing that's going to be reciprocated back to you, you're going to get some honesty back.
It's okay with not being legally divorced, or not being legally separated as long as all the cards are on the table. People are able to make an informed decision. I don't think it’s relevant. focusing on being legally divorced before they get on social media or online dating.
I think deep down, they need to realize and find out within themselves:
But that actually goes back to one of the things that we talked about on the podcast is that and I've coached other people around.
When they're actually trying to think about getting divorced, I said to him: “You have to really look down deep, deep inside you and say, have I done absolutely everything in this marriage should be, before you get divorced, because if you haven't done everything and tried every particular or specific option for you to be able to reconcile what you need to be able to move on.”
It's a tough thing to say to people that: “Yeah, there was nothing I could do,” because there probably was something.
Throughout my marriage, and towards the end of it, I felt that I did everything. I was happy with and content with my decision. It goes back to really identifying what you really, really, really feel inside.
Michelle St Jane 24:21
Great explanation. I appreciate how you work through the process there.
You have a great episode (#7) on your podcast, and I'm going to reference it in the show notes about body image.
For women listening to this, what would you tell them about body image, because in that episode, you say some really smart things and very worthy statements. So for women going on the dating sites and wondering if they're not this or not that enough, what would you tell them?
I'll sum it up like this.
As much time as women take and shape their eyebrows and make sure their eyelashes are right perfect, if they are doing that for the person that they're potentially going to meet, I can tell you wholeheartedly, we don't care.
So that should pertain to the rest of your body.
I mean, in terms of body image, Chyanne says: “Oh, well, I don't like this part of my body and I don't like that. I think I'm fat, or I think I'm too skinny, or my arms are too big, my arms are too small.”
There're so many different things that women go through their head, and they almost project that onto the person that they're dating or potentially trying to date.
We don't care.
I mean, if he loves you or he enjoys you for you, that's extremely important.
On the flip side to that though, especially online dating is that there's a lot of lies out there. It's a running joke on online dating about why the pictures are from the neck up.
I tell people all the time:
“You're not actually putting your entire self out there. If you have a bigger butt or you got big thighs, or whatever it is, I think that if you can paint and show a proper picture of who you are, and be confident in that, then I think it doesn't matter what you think. There's somebody out there that's gonna love that. I have friends that just love big women. I have friends that love skinny women. I have friends that love big boobs, small boobs.”
Like there's all of them out there. I think that if you try to shape the narrative of who you are and look like on your profile, you're not going to get what you're looking for.
Just be honest, and put yourself out there, and I think you'll be surprised with the result.
Michelle St Jane 26:26
Good points, Darryl, good points. I'm a voluptuous woman and I know a lot of women who are so worried about their size.
Yet I've been proposed to 13 times.
Have you been married 13 times though, right?
Michelle St Jane 26:44
Hell no! I definitely have not been married 13 times.
I've been widowed and divorced.
But the fact that that's happened so many times, I've been blessed not having a body image issues.
I'm more concerned about being healthy and happy.
I really value your comments about dick pics and episode on this, and I love the backwards and forwards that you do, so I'm referencing that one as well. I loved your upfront honesty, and this is how men think. I would love to just round up with a few words around that.
That episode was kind of interesting because it came in and out of an impromptu situation. We were in bed and see something on social media.
Chyanne has a different take on it and I have a different take on it. I think that's the dynamic of the WGT Podcast, being able to have different perspectives and understanding that there's some valid points on each side.
I think, when it comes to dick pics, guys are unbelievable, and I don't understand it, like it doesn't make any sense to me.
I'll tell you, for one thing guys, it doesn't look good. It's not made for art; it's made for speed.
At the end of the day, it's all about really controlling your urge to be able to do that because no one wants to see that.
Even if she asked for it, trust me, she just wants it to have so she can show her friends and laugh, have a good chat.
When it comes to the other side of the coin, when women put themselves out there and you look on some of their profiles and all you see is boobs and ass, and legs and thighs. They're just putting this sexual vibe out there.
That’s the debate that we were having. I had said that if a woman is consistently putting that out there, and there's a difference between tasteful and not. Even women that have tasteful profiles, they still get those.
But that doesn't make it right, and that was the point I was trying to make.
It's not right, but you can't blame the guy for sending it because that's just who he is.
At that point, you need to decide whether you're going to engage or not engage, and that’s just it in business and in life. You can't control adults. You can manage them, and by managing, you just have to either ignore the behavior, or you're going to engage the behavior.
So for me, it's really put yourself out there and don't be upset when it doesn't go as you had planned.
Michelle St Jane 29:16
Fine words. I can tell you, if you want to meet a quality person then bring your best qualities forward.
To wrap up, what would be your top tip for women and your top tip for men who are going to go into the arena of online dating?
To be honest, I think it goes back to what I had said previously, whether for both male and female is that you have to be able to put yourself out there and be honest with what your agenda is.
If your agenda is to just get hookups and have a good time, that's okay, there's no right or wrong.
If your profile is geared to just getting hookups and having fun, and just meeting a bunch of people and you want to be friends, at the end of the day.
You can't get upset with the fact that you're not finding somebody who has the qualities of: I want to bring that one home to Mom and Dad.
I think it's all about putting exactly what you want out there because that's what you're gonna get back.
Be honest and really look deep down as to what you're looking for, and if you're looking for a partner, then that's okay too. Put that out there and I'm sure you'll find it.
Michelle St Jane 30:28
I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you, Darryl.
Thank you for your time.
Michelle St Jane 30:34
Welcome to the crazy world of this couple and hear about, their monkeys, their circus."
Darryl and Chyanne are the hosts of the We Got This Podcast (WGT). There are some awesome episodes around online dating on their show I'll reference to them in the show notes. Welcome, Darryl and Chyanne. Tell us about your first coffee date.
Our first date had started out as a coffee date, because I really didn't want to waste time during my day to go on a dinner date or a movie date with Darryl. So I made him meet me for coffee. I don't even remember; did I pick the spot or did you?
Oh, no, you totally did.
I picked it. Oh, I remember why I picked the spot.
I asked Darryl to meet me at a Husky gas station, which is a truck stop in between the two areas where we were both living. One of the reasons why I had picked it was because it was on my way into town, so the commute was easier.
The other reason why I picked it was because I figured it was safe, because there's a lot of traffic there. There's always a lot of truck drivers that stopped there. The waitresses knew people and it was my safety mechanism that I took on being the girl.
It has lots of exits.
When I got there, Darryl was already there. I think you had a purpose as to why you were there before me.
You could tell her what that was?
No, you got to finish your story.
I saw Darryl and I was actually really relieved when I got to see him in person. My husband is a good-looking man. But the profile picture that he had posted of himself on the dating site, really showed that he was a ginger, like very red head.
In my opinion, they weren't the most flattering pictures of himself.
When I met him in person, I was like: Oh, he's so handsome, and I was really relieved. Those pictures on dating profiles are so important that it was nice that he was better than his picture.
Michelle St Jane 32:49
Darryl, did you realize at that point, your pictures were not great?
I'm just hearing about this now. Brand new information.
You're sensitive on the ginger topic, so I don't usually bring it up.
Michelle St Jane 33:05
Darryl, what did you think when she walked through the door? Did she match her profile? Was she everything you were hoping she would be? Or were you like: Uh-oh, this is one warrior girl?
That's a good question. I don't think I really put a whole lot of thought into pictures, especially when you see it on social media with all the filters and everything that kind of goes around. Obviously I knew she was pretty, but when she walked in, it goes from pretty to beautiful.
It was a tough thing to process because it was just like, “I don't know how this happened, but I got to make sure I don't screw this up.”
Michelle St Jane 33:39
Chyanne, you were in let's get it sorted out mode, weren't you?
Yeah. At this point in my dating career, I was just over it. I was so over everything.
I think I just really went into our date with determination on getting it done.
Yes, I’m pretty blunt on a good day and I had this list.
Darryl always bugs me because he's like, “you did not have a list.”
I'm like, “I legit had a list of what I was looking for in a guy. It was never a secret with anybody in my life that if people didn't actually fit the list, then they didn't really get to go on a date.” So I just made sure that I went through the list as we were talking to check off all of the things like:
Can you dance?
It was a big one that was on my list
Which Darryl couldn't.
I found out that I couldn't.
He had said that he knew that he could dance whenever we were talking. I was like okay, he seemed confident in that answer.
I needed somebody that:
I grew up on a farm, I love being outdoors.
I am super frugal, so I don't like to spend money on having people come in and fix the toilet if it's broken, or me having to fix fences.
So having somebody that was that handyman was really important to me. Both of my fathers, my dad and my stepdad, are very talented men. I think finding someone that fit what they were, was really important to me.
I just fired off questions, but I thought I fired them off in a fairly nice manner of, “what do you do in your spare time?”
Michelle St Jane 35:35
I can tell Darryl, clearly, you've got a very high tolerance threshold. But you knew, at least what you saw was what you got, right?
I mean, two out of three, even though you dodged the question with a "Yes I can". I truly suspect you're a good handyman.
I've been known to fix people, yes.
Michelle St Jane 35:57
So what about your top questions, Darryl, what were you hoping to find out right away?
To be honest with you, I wasn't on a fact-finding mission. I didn't have a list of checkboxes to tick.
For me, it was all about really understanding the person that's sitting across from me.
I asked her a lot of what she would categorizes as really weird and interrogated questions. For me, they were all about character building questions and understanding who the person is I'm talking to, and what type of person that they are. The types of questions that I asked really helped me determine how she thinks and what her mindset is, when we're dealing with everyday life and practicality.
To give you an example of a question that I had asked her, I said: “So if you were to leave your house at the exact same time every morning, and you get to work at the exact same time every morning, do you take the longest route fast? Or do you take the shortest route slow?”
She just looked at me like, what the hell kind of question is that?
For everybody, that obviously is probably asking themselves the same thing, for me, it allows me to see what type of person she is:
Or even if she took the fastest route, so it doesn't mean that she likes to rush through, maybe she just doesn't like to waste her time. It gives me an idea or a small portion of the type of person that she is, and obviously follow up questions either confirm or deny my ideas.
So it was all about really understanding who she is deep down, obviously manifesting that to where we are today.
Michelle St Jane 37:27
To get another one of those questions, mate, you've got me thoroughly tickled here.
I appreciate that. It took some curating to be able to, like I said, get my profile to where I needed it to be, to be able to find somebody like Chyanne. It's just like any sales, anybody can get the sale, but it's what you do after you get the sale is kind of where we're at. So I had to do what I had to do to make sure I kept her around.
Michelle St Jane 37:51
Another question, I'm sure you've got one there or Chyanne, can you think of another question he asked you that was weird and wonderful? Because those are quite good.
That one was actually the biggest one that was a different dating type question. That one for me was more of an interview type question, which is why I think I gave him that look like, “why are you asking me this?” It's something that you could ask in an interview.
What job am I applying for?
Yes and I knew why he was doing it, we both have business backgrounds, we both done tons of interviews. For me, I was just like, this is a date not like I'm not applying for a job.
But then I was like applying to be a wife.
I think one of the other key topics that Darryl had brought up on our first date was about children.
I knew from his profile that he had kids. But his profile didn't go into depth on what his thoughts were on family and that kind of stuff.
He had asked me about kids:
I had answered him, I'm pretty sure the same way that I answered anybody that had asked me that, “that it didn't really matter to me if I had children, that wasn't something that I had planned on doing in my past relationship. It wasn't something that was high on my priority list and that I was open to whatever happens, but for me that I really always wanted to have the option to be able to foster or adopt children.”
I remember Darryl had looked at me and he's like: “Are you sure about that?” I'm just thinking, you asked me the question, yes I'm sure about it. I'm telling you, I don't need to have children, and he almost seemed like he didn't believe me in my answer. I didn't need to have my own biological children and I'm sure I gave him some good pushback, like I usually do.
It ended up coming out that Darryl had had a vasectomy, and he did not plan on getting it reversed and I'm 100% needed to be okay with not having children.
I remember he said to me, you're getting to that age where you're probably going to change your mind. Women always change their mind; they want to have kids.
My entire 20s, I dealt with people telling me that I needed to have children, that it would be different when I had my own children, that I wanted to have children.
I was just like: Buddy:
I think that was a big one for us. I know, Darryl didn't believe me whenever I told him, but yes.
Michelle St Jane 40:32
Understandable. Darryl, I just so appreciate, what she says is what you get with Chyanne. I don't think that happens often on online dating, does it?
I mean, was she a class act?
Or did that happen with a lot like women they were what you expected?
Going through that whole process, a lot of people tend to tell you what they think you want to hear.
You're not going to be happy with the relationship.
So earlier on in the first date, it was 12 hours long or 10 hours long, like this isn't a joke.
We had set the bar when we sat down, I'm not here to mess around.
So it's either you check the boxes, or you answer the questions honestly.
If I was to find out that she had lied, or she changed her mind, and that goes back to the type of person that I'm dealing with, and the character of her.
So we really press each other, even on the first date, and even seven years later, now really being honest with each other until you know each other how we feel, and really being honest.
I was taken back by her response, or I guess I didn't believe her. For me that's a massive thing for women to decide whether they want to have kids or don't want to have kids.
History has a way of repeating itself, and a lot of you guys know this, that if you don't want to have kids and you get into a relationship, all of a sudden that relationship changes.
And now the dynamics and the way you see that other person now, it's something that's going on deeply inside you.
Whether that manifests itself into contempt or resentment for them, but you don't want to let them go because you've wasted or you've invested so much of this time. There's a lot of things that go into that decision.
When we had that conversation, I said: Look, you're getting to that age where it's either, it's not that you can't have kids after 30, it was more of like, that age category where women go, what do I need to do?
And for us, I told her, I was like: “Listen, it's off the table. I'm not getting it on my vasectomy reversed, so if you even remotely think that you want to have kids at any point in time in our relationship, or potential marriage, you might want to tell me now.”
She was honest and she's obviously kept her word to this day.
Michelle St Jane 42:55
A lot of wisdom in the room and what a blessing to have that all out front.
Clearly saying you are getting married, but you didn't want babies, is a very unusual package that Darryl telling us.
Darryl, you had two children.
Did you have a strategy on how you would introduce a potential partner?
What was your thinking around that?
That's a great point and I think that some people are going to agree, and some people are definitely going to disagree with me.
Personally, I believe that one shouldn't introduce anybody to their children, as a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you actually believe that they are going to be there for the long term. Children going through a divorce and going through a separation, already have some issues in regard to another person stepping into the mom role.
I think more for me, I didn't want my children to think, whose girlfriend is coming in.
Dad's new girlfriend is going to be coming here on Friday and then two weeks later, a month later, two months later, it's another person.
Having roll through their life multiple different people, I didn't think was going to be very good.
For one, I'm trying to set an example for my kids and say like: “Look, you don't just let anybody into your circle or into your house, and you need to really protect that house.”
My daughters were part of that protection and also part of that house I was trying to protect.
I think that going through our relationship, up until the point where Chyanne had met the girls, I was 100% dead set on marrying this woman. I was like: “You know what, I'm going to take the risk and the responsibility of introducing Chyanne to our kids’ lives.”
My ex was a big part of that as well. There's some things that you need to consider and again. The repercussions of having to deal with that as well. So it's not just: “Oh yeah, we're gonna go to the park with dad's new girlfriend.”
I didn't want to have that. We really made sure that she was going to be there forever.
I think one of the things too, on my side, that I really loved about Darryl was, we both very much agreed on that point of your children not meeting people.
For me, I don't care if you label them boyfriend/ girlfriend or friend, kids are not stupid. They know what's going on, and coming from a family with split parents, it was very important to me that I was not a part of the girl's life until Darryl and I knew that we were going to be long term.
It's very important to be on the same parenting lane as your partner, and sometimes it's hard to be able to see that if you can't see them act as a parent.
Darryl and I had actually lined up a couple of times where him and the girls got to be in my presence, without them knowing who I was.
At that time, I had worked in a very large retail store and so Darryl had brought them in to go shopping. So I got to meet the girls, but they just knew me as a salesclerk. I got to see him interact as a dad, and how he parented and just got that vibe on how he was as a father. That that was very important to me. I know that's not something that people can line up in all of their situations. I really loved that we were on the same page, that we were not going to introduce me to the girls until we knew that we were long term.
Michelle St Jane 46:13
Chyanne & Darryl, you guys just brought so much wisdom to this episode. Thank you so much.
Dr. Michelle St Jane is a conscious steward of meaningful leadership in the world and the wider cosmos. Tune in every Thursday for real talk around life, leadership and your conscious journey. Be ready to create and cultivate your dreams and soul hearted desires.
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