Series 2 ❤️King and ❤️Queen
“Every single person is born single,” Sam Yagan, best known as the co-founder of OkCupid.
Time is of the essence. Who has time to build a personal relationship let alone find a soulmate! Those in their mid 30’s onwards to a 100+ have got a handle on life and know what they’re looking for, although needs and desires change in the different decades of life. The stats suggest you are never too old to date.
There is a growing acceptance and legitimacy around online dating. For matchmaking and online dating, you're spoilt for choice. There are over 1500 apps or websites, all in the business of love.
About the Guest
Rachel Scheer is a Relationship Coach who helps singles find love.
Book "Date to Find Your Soulmate" launching on Amazon February 2, 2021.
About the Show
Podcast Host: Life & Leadership: A Conscious Journey with Dr. Michelle St Jane
A podcast for Global and Re-Emerging Leadership creating community/tribe, a circle of influence, transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world and wider universe. A unique destination for learning about Leadership + Conscious Stewardship + Legacy.
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Michelle St Jane 00:00:01
Welcome to Life and Leadership. I believe in creating community and action and creating space to be curious. This podcast aims to take you on a conscious journey through quality, diverse, innovative content in conversation. My hope is that we create a circle of influence, a transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world, and the wide universe.
Today, it's a moment in time for those looking for adventure, connection and love. There’s a growing acceptance and legitimacy around online dating, for matchmaking and online dating, you're spoiled for choice. There are over 1,500 apps or websites all in the business of love. Join the marketplace of love. These sites are looking to draw in singles to their sites and to match them up using God-like technology and ease of access. Let's not forget those dating algorithms. They'll get better with learning who we are. And look out: they'll get better at learning who we like. Will they be right? And so, part of your conscious journey, when you're looking for love on the internet, be aware. Artificial intelligence and deep learning algorithms will be present on your dating journey.
Are you an online dating user?
Those terms can be used interchangeably.
Another more recent phenomenon is site matching, sightseeing and possibly meeting ‘the one’ on your travels or for those who are working in places far from home. Bristler, another site for those sporting a beard and for women who like men with one. A couple of fun facts, according to dating scouts, Ireland has the happiest online daters. In France, can you guess the most show-offish online daters? Welcome to the Series 2 Sprint its about the search for your ❤️King and ❤️Queen using online dating websites and Apps.
Rachel Scheer, a relationship coach who helped singles find love. She just wrote a book called ‘Date to Find Your Soulmate’ that launches on February 2nd. I am hoping she'll read an excerpt for us here today.
Rachel is a certified relationship coach who helps singles find love and we're going to just roll right with it. Rachel, I think you must be the go-to girl for finding your soulmate. And Valentine's is coming up. How do you set smart dating goals?
Rachel Scheer 00:02:59
I actually just wrote a blog about it because with the new year, a lot of people are making new year's resolutions. It's important to make smart goals so you don't just suffer as you have been for many years in the past. You have to make sure that you follow all the proper guidelines and you're very specific about your goals. If you are just vague like, oh I want to find love, then it's not going to happen for you. You have to be very specific about what you want, even when you're making a wish. If you're too broad, your wish might come true, but it might not be exactly what you had in mind. That's the most important thing to be very specific about your goal.
You have to have a good timeline. If you say, you're going to find love at the end of the week, that's probably not going to happen. You have to make it realistic for yourself so you can find what you're looking for. And I actually have an 8- week course to help people gain clarity and figure out exactly what they want in a partner, and then learn how to flirt properly and attract the right person.
After my 8- week program, some of my clients have found that love. It's possible if you do the work and you really put yourself out there. I would say after eight weeks of doing a lot of work on yourself, you can find love, if you work with me.
Michelle St Jane 00:04:30
Fantastic, Rachel. Have you done online dating yourself and how'd you find it?
Rachel Scheer 00:04:37
Yes, I've done online dating for over 20 years. It's the main way people date these days. Of course, I've met some people out and about doing activities or clubs, or even at bars and parties, but online dating is the way to go, especially with the pandemic because people can't go out for the past year. There are so many different Facebook groups and Zoom networking events and lots of activities where you can meet people online these days.
Michelle St Jane 00:05:10
Cool. For your online dating, give us an example of a smart goal you set for yourself.
Rachel Scheer 00:05:16
What I tell my clients is that you have to figure out what makes sense for you. Let's say I have a client who wants to be married as soon as possible, then first they have to be very specific about what they're looking for and you should not say superficial traits. Let's say that they want to find a loving partner who will support them and help raise kids with them. If that's what they want, that has to be specific about what they're looking for. They need to be realistic because if they're looking for a partner who runs marathons, but they can't even walk a mile, then that's probably not the right partner for them.
As I said, timeliness is important. They have to just think about what's an ideal timeline for them. If they're getting older and they think they want to have children by the time they turn 35, let's say, then they need to really focus. That should be the main focus for them to find a partner, but they can't expect to have kids with someone after one date. They need to be realistic, again.
I actually have a chapter in my book about it because I've been on dates with guys where during the first date, they say they want to have children within a year. And that's kind of unrealistic because that would mean that I would need to get pregnant in three months, so unless we're going to rush to the altar, I don't know how possible that would be.
Michelle St Jane 00:06:59
Good point, my gracious. What would be the top three dating skills that need improving, clearly for men not asking for children within a year?
Rachel Scheer 00:07:11
The first thing is to really know your values and relationship requirements. If you're not clear on that, then you're not going to find a partner who's suitable for you. You could waste your time for years with the wrong person and then let's say you do want kids, and then you never talk about it with your partner, and then you're together for five years and then you find out that your partner does not want kids, then you just wasted five years. So be clear on what you want in a partner before pursuing anybody. That's number one.
Number two is to be your true self. A lot of people change who they are to be more like what their partner wants, but if you're a different version of yourself, the truth will eventually come out and you're not going to be compatible. You have to be your true self the whole time, even from day one, you can be a little mysterious on a first date but still be truthful about who you are. A third rule, I would say, is it goes along with knowing who you are and what you want, to not wait forever. If you're with someone who doesn't seem ready, they might never be ready. You can't just wait and wait for the other person to come around. You have to live your own life, and if you need to move on, it will be difficult at first, but it will be the best thing for you because you shouldn't wait for anyone else. You should live your own life the way you want to.
Michelle St Jane 00:08:50
Good points, Rachel. Two really good points, and having been widowed and divorced, and currently single, I'm thinking about a lot of these things. And of course, I've come to an awareness that people can be in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. What does a lifer look like? What does a season look like? I'm starting to sort of deconstruct those types of things for myself in terms of what would be enjoyable going forward, and also with longevity now, we're easily going to age into 120, 130. The decisions you might make today could be a bit different if you're thinking you might have a hundred years together.
Can the person you're considering as a lifer, can they actually evolve with you or are they going to sort of stagnate or retract into adolescence or something else? But clearly you start to think about what is it that the partner you would like to envisage being in your life looks like.
Rachel Scheer 00:09:51
Yes, you just said a lot of really great things. First of all, humans don't fully develop until they turn 25, in their brains at least. Their brains are not fully developed until age 25, so if you get married before that age, you might not be your true self. And a lot of people get married young, and then they get divorced by the time they hit 30 because they realize they're not what they want to be, and their partner is not who they thought because maybe they're growing but they're growing separately. Again, the most important thing is to know your true identity and who you are before jumping into a relationship with someone else. And then if you want to be with someone forever, which could be a hundred years, that's a long time, you have to make sure that you have complete compatibility that means physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You can be with someone happily and not have full compatibility. But in order to have a really fulfilling relationship, you need all of those aspects to be happy.
Michelle St Jane 00:11:01
Yes, great points. In fact, my first marriage was when I was 20, and this was a person I could evolve with. Unfortunately, he died just before we were married 10 years. I kind of experienced widowhood very earliest in terms of my lifetime, but he did leave me with the gift that today really is the present as therein lies the gift, and that certainly gives me a very different spin on relationships.
It's often the norm if you have not lost a significant other. There's all kinds of losses, we lose parents, grandparents, children, but for me losing a significant other, that was a pretty big jolt to my life. I know what a really great relationship looks like but as I disclosed, I'm also divorced so I also know what a relationship looks like that doesn't work for me and that I need a partner who will grow and evolve. I think, to be around people will also, I'm not going to be doing the typical things that people of my age, clearly I'm podcasting and also that opens the door because I still have a very fulfilled and vibrant and robust life.
Finding a man who's just going to go watch TV, well it depends on what kind of TV, but that's not enough to keep me engaged. And also, I have a very vibrant life. A partner who also doesn't have a fulfilling life could be a drain. I love what you shared, but now I'm sitting here thinking, do I need to be a psychologist and an anthropologist? And what other -logist I might need to do all this. So why would someone go to a relationship coach? Where does the value lie for doing that?
Rachel Scheer 00:12:42
There's huge value in figuring out who you are and what you want in a partner. So many people go to school to learn skills for their careers, but your romantic relationship is the biggest thing in your life. You're going to spend so many hours with your partner, and a lot of people don't do the work on their relationship. That's why so many divorces happen and so many marriages fall apart because people just assume it will work out, but it doesn't. You have to really do work on yourself and your relationship in order for it to survive.
There are actually three entities of a relationship. That's why it's pretty difficult to do couples coaching because there's the personality of one person, the personality of the second and then their relationship is the third entity. So it's really complicated coaching couples, I've done it and I enjoy it because there's so many different aspects involved. But you really need to do work as a couple in order to make it work. And then working with singles is more enjoyable in my opinion, because I have been single for the majority of my life. I understand these people and I know what it takes to make a relationship to survive. And I have so many great skills and tips and lessons that you can follow in order to find your soulmate.
Michelle St Jane 00:14:20
Great points, really good points there. And also, at different stages and ages, we need different things. This is one of the things I've been looking at, having been very successful in my career. And in contrast, been married most of my life. I enjoy being married and I really miss the companionship.
I've been divorced and have discovered that there are some parts that can be intolerable or actually really bad for you, and it's not smart to stay in something so destructive. Not for your wellbeing and certainly not for your soul. I also have been thinking about why I would want to take on a relationship having seen the dark side.
And of course in my first marriage we had to evolve. I had to grow up. There was this underlying commitment to forever. And our best interests, a vision for our family at present, as parents but also weighing up probabilities. I'll need to bring my sense of adventure when I do decide to online date, and also be more discerning about what would work.
Why would you date? You're well-established, you're happy, you've got a great life? And I actually said to him it is being around a man who is in his man, is when I can be in my feminine. And that is where the deficit is for me now. I would really like the opportunity to enjoy a man who knows how to be a quality man, as opposed to needing me to take care of everything and take charge and all that kind of things which I can do.
But I'm now not so willing. I'm unwilling to be in a relationship that is not balanced and focused on the wellbeing of both of us and the opportunity to evolve. Because as I said, with longevity and amazing health advances, quality of life is going to be looking fabulous, and why not be in the joy of life rather than the drama of it? That's my perspective.
But my investment is that I've had to wear the pants and step up and run things, and I'm now realizing those are good qualities in times of need but not in everyday life. For me to have a man in my life now is an opportunity to step into my femininity, which is calling me now, which is something that I'm looking forward to enjoying. I hadn't expected to reach this stage of my life and be thinking of this because what are those I know who have lost quality partners, not so keen on remarriage and I can understand that piece. But for me, as I said, I really enjoy marriage, but I need to be very discerning about picking someone who enjoys a quality relationship, not necessarily marriage, but as invested in wellbeing evolving as spiritual partners, as opposed to, and working out those things we need to work out. I don't think anyone could expect it to be all wine and roses.
Rachel Scheer 00:17:19
Yeah. You've had a very interesting life and I understand how important companionship is, especially during the past year when people were so lonely, and they craved intimacy. Some people were just forgetting about the pandemic and they just want to have sex because they really craved it and really needed it. While others are just still staying home alone and they're just really sad and lonely. There's a thing called cuffing season, which happens in the winter months where people get together. They know it's not going to last; they know this is not going to be there Forever Person, but they just want companionship for these cold winter months. They get together and maybe have some fun, have some sex, but they know it's not going to last. They just want someone to be with for the time being until they do find someone that they're compatible with.
Michelle St Jane 00:18:16
I've never heard that term. I will have to write that one down, but that's not surprising. We're social beings and I really like people, I really enjoy people and value my in-person time, always on my screen time, but I'm grateful for god-like technology. One of the things that I'd be leery of is and I'm not going to speak eloquently to this, but there is a vein of thought around for women when you allow, when you have sex with a man, he takes your energy for seven years and it drains you for seven years. I don't know if you know anything about that, sorry to put you on the spot, but also I have never been a one-night stand person. When I sort of read some stuff around that, I was like, I don't have the energy to spare for that. And I think women, we give a lot of ourselves away as well so you can go in with an attitude of this is for a reason or a season. But there's a cost energy-wise and possibly other ways and it means you're not available for a quality man or quality partner.
Rachel Scheer 00:19:21
I haven't heard that, that in seven years, that's crazy to think about. That once you have sex with a partner, you've given your energy away for seven years. I have heard that before sex, the woman has all the power because the man craves sex so much, but then after sex, the man has all the power because women have these hormones and we grow attached to someone after having sex, which is why I agree with you. There's no point to one night stands from a woman's perspective, at least, because we grow attached and we feel bonded. If you never see the person again, then you're just going to have these emotional attachment feelings and not be able to do anything with it.
Michelle St Jane 00:20:08
Yeah, good point on the post sex one. The other little tidbit is that these are not facts, people, but things that have crossed my dashboard that I, sorry I can't source; apparently a man's saliva has something in it that is like cocaine to women. That's what triggers that hormone cascade, I understand how intimate you get for us women can have a cost and again, I don't have sources for this, and I probably won't get them together for this reason, but it's worth just dropping into the conversation for people to think about. I've managed the risks in my life and what are the probabilities, and I'm all for adventure and fun, but there's some cautionary things to be aware of out there.
Rachel Scheer 00:20:50
The hormone is oxytocin, that's released from a woman's brain. Men have it too, but there's not as much. When a woman has sex, watch out, she's going to be hormonal. She releases oxytocin and then she's going to be attached.
Michelle St Jane 00:21:09
Absolutely. It's not addictive. You can see where the co-dependencies and other essences come in. Tell us a little bit more about your book. Why did you choose to write at this time and has it been a long-term goal?
Rachel Scheer 00:21:22
No, I actually have never really enjoyed writing, to be honest. I never really thought it was something I would do but for many years I would tell my friends and family members about my terrible dating stories and they would always say: Wow, you need to turn this into a book, this is crazy. And then I became a relationship coach and then early on in the pandemic, I got laid off from my job and I thought about all the different relationship experiences and lessons that I had gathered throughout the years. I've decided to turn it into a book and that actually flowed very easily for me.
I wrote the book in about a month, even though I had so many experiences I never enjoyed writing, I kind of enjoyed it. It was an easy fast process for me and everyone that has read my book said it's really enjoyable because they're 20 chapters, I tell 20 different dating lessons. They're packed with information and comedy and advice, and then I tell personal stories that are often really funny and some sad about my experiences and all the mistakes that I've made, which is why I was single for so long. I know you said that you wanted to hear an excerpt from the book, and since this topic is online dating, my actual chapter two of my book is called Dating App Overload.
It's my longest chapter because there's so much to say about online dating. I talk about terrible profile pictures, patterns I've seen in conversation, personal stories of online dating mistakes I've made. And then I'd tell some stories, like longer stories of very strange online dating experiences that I've had. So right now, I'm just going to tell the section, common patterns I've seen in conversation. There are 12 common patterns I've seen, so I'll read them out. Number one, he says hi and then disappears. And again, remember, this is when you're first having an exchange, whether it's on text or on the dating app, there's usually a back and forth. So first he says hi, and then you never hear from him again.
Number two, you engage in meaningful conversation for a few days, and then he disappears. Number three, you engage in meaningful conversation for a few days, and then he suddenly gets oddly perverted. That seems to be really common, I don't understand what's wrong with people. Number four, he tells you that he's not looking for anything serious, he just wants to have some fun. I appreciate the honesty, at least. Number five, he reveals deep personal stuff and when you reciprocate, he gets uncomfortable and ignores you. Number six, he blocks you out of the blue. This could be after days or even weeks of texting back and forth and then he suddenly blocks you. Number seven, he says, “Want to fuck?” as an opening line. That's happened way too many times, unfortunately. And related to that, number eight, he sends a dick pic. I don't know what the female version is. I'm sure women send pictures of their breasts, but I've seen so many dick pics that it does not appeal to me at all.
Number nine, he asks you out and then never confirms plans. Number ten, he asks you out, schedules a date, and then doesn't show up, which is very annoying. That's happened to me a few times where we have all these great exchanges and then I meet in person and I'm waiting there and I text him, and he just doesn't respond. And I never heard from him again, so maybe he died. Number eleven, he writes a little long-winded reply to your question and when you send a follow-up message, he freaks out about revealing too much. It goes both ways, if he's going to say a really long response and tell personal stuff about his life, then when I respond, you would expect some kind of answer, but no, they just block me. And number twelve, he sends a few messages in a row, and if you don't reply within 30 seconds, he calls you a bitch for ignoring him. That's also what happens with a lot of impatient men. They assume that you're on the dating app 24/7, so if you don't respond immediately, every time he writes you a message, he'll think you're ignoring him.
Michelle St Jane 00:26:07
Oh, my gracious. And as I've already confessed, I'm a busy woman with a robust life. I probably will be the recipient of one or two of those. I think it was number 10, when you set a date and he doesn't show up. I did tip my toe and then December 2019 and got chatting with a chap who really seemed quite lovely and we set a date and he didn't turn up. On Saturday, on a Wednesday, I got a call from the wife. He had used the family phone plan to text and call me, and she's screaming at me because he had charged the call girl on the family credit.
Rachel Scheer 00:26:47
Michelle St Jane 00:26:48
I was like: Hold up. It wasn't me, on the credit card. And I've never met him in person, but you're right, I mean, you're running into adventure to do this. And I think the other one, you said sharing too much, I was only on for a couple of weeks because most of the conversations were what I called therapy chat. The chats who seemed viable and worth talking to, would then talk about relationships that had dissolved like 7 or 12 years ago. And I'm very gently saying, you're a terrific person. Could you see a therapist? Because I don't think us women came on here to be your therapist. And now we probably qualified to be your therapist, so one chap was very grateful. The other chap was like, I'm a catch. And I'm like, not for me.
Rachel Scheer 00:27:37
I have a whole chapter in my book about mental health and addiction. I've made the mistake of being a guy's pseudo therapist in multiple relationships because they just pour all their emotions to me and they don't want to seek real therapy. I became the therapist. It's totally unhealthy for a relationship and I'm not even trained to counsel anyone. Of course, I'm trained to coach, but I shouldn't be coaching boyfriends.
Michelle St Jane 00:28:09
Smart choice. So just as we're wrapping up, I'd love for you to share a story about your experience on online dating. Something that happens, something good, bad, or weird. You have a story you can share in your experience?
Rachel Scheer 00:28:23
Yeah, sure. I have many stories. If you want, I can read these four short little stories or I can tell you a longer story, which do you prefer?
Michelle St Jane 00:28:35
I'll leave it up to you.
Rachel Scheer 00:28:37
Okay. I'll read. I'll summarize, I'll tell some shorter stories about some mistakes that I've made for online dating with one guy. He had a really blurry profile picture, so I asked him for more pictures, but he didn't send me anything else, but he did want to keep talking on the phone. We talked and talked for many hours for a few weeks, and then I was really excited to meet him, hoping that he was going to look attractive in person. But of course, we met in person and he was completely repulsive, so that did not work out.
Another story is that I agreed to drive pretty far to meet a guy because his car wasn't working, and his friend had to drop him off. We met, and we had a great date. And then he promised that we would meet halfway next time but he said that he was still having issues with his car so he asked if I would drive again. And this was a, a five-hour round trip drive for me, so it's not like it was just 10 minutes away. It was a pretty long drive. When I was almost there for the second date, he sent me a text saying he had to cancel and then I never heard from him again. I just drove another five hours for nothing. Lesson learned, don't keep driving long distances for a guy, unless you agree to meet halfway or take turns driving.
Another issue I had is that I was texting back and forth with a guy and he was really smart and charming, but every once in a while, he slipped in a perverted comment. And I decided to ask if we could talk on the phone before meeting to see if he seemed creepy. But he didn't, he was really nice on the phone and I was relieved, so we agreed to meet at a bar. But when I got to the bar, I was waiting there, and he started texting all these really vulgar and inappropriate things like describing what I was wearing. I knew he was somewhere in the bar watching me saying really nasty stuff. I left, and he just continued texting me, roasts sexual comments, and then when I got home, I had to block him.
And then a fourth weird story is that I was supposed to meet a guy at a club, and he sent a message saying he was running late. I waited by the front door because it was a dark crowded club, and I didn't know if I would ever find him. I was waiting and waiting, and he texted every few minutes saying he was looking for parking, he was on his way here, he was a block away. Like this went on for two hours that he kept saying he was almost there, and I just stupidly stood outside in the winter evening, waiting for him like a fool. And then he just stopped texting me and never showed up. Lesson learned, I should have just gone into the club and enjoyed my night instead of waiting for this loser who never showed up. Those are just some examples of mistakes I've made. There are plenty more, and I've had hundreds of online dates. I know what it's like out there.
Michelle St Jane 00:31:54
Thank you for sharing Rachel. Wow. This has been good learning in your stories there, and I'm sure your book will certainly be value- packed in terms of that. I'll put a link to your book in the show notes. Wow. Thank you so much again for sharing. I really appreciate it.
Rachel Scheer 00:32:11
Here's what my book looks like. It will be available February 2nd on Amazon. And the first week it launches, you can get the eBook for 99 cents. Don't miss that.
Michelle St Jane 00:32:28
Fabulous. Thank you, Rachel Scheer. Appreciate you being on today.
Michelle St Jane 00:32:35
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