Sept. 15, 2025

30 Years of Marriage Taught Us This… | Jeff & Brandy Little

30 years. 4 kids. Countless seasons. Through it all, Jeff and Brandy have discovered the plays that keep a marriage strong. From early church-planting days to parenting and now grandkids, they open up about the wins, struggles, and values that have carried them through.

TIMESTAMPS
0:00 - What God Blesses & Why
5:43 - Marriage is Your First Ministry
11:21 - Navigating Different Family Seasons
17:41 - The Unity Principle
22:54 - Meeting Your Kids Where They Are
31:19 - Dating and Marriage Wisdom

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
More resources: https://leadtowin.com/
Win With People: https://leadtowin.com/pages/win-with-...
Register for Leaders Gathering: https://leadersgathering.leadtowin.com/
Information on Milestone Church: https://milestonechurch.com/

FIND US AT: https://leadtowin.com

GET IN TOUCH: Contact us at info@leadtowin.com

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jefflittle/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastorjefflittle

00:00 - What God Blesses and Why

05:43 - Marriage is Your First Ministry

11:21 - Navigating Different Family Seasons

17:41 - The Unity Principle

22:54 - Meeting Your Kids Where They Are

31:19 - Dating and Marriage Wisdom

WEBVTT

00:00:02.044 --> 00:00:05.168
What I feel like we're failing the next generation with.

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Every time you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else, and I'm saying give your best, yes to your family.

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Well, I want to welcome you to the Lead to Win podcast today.

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My name is Caleb and today is a very special episode.

00:00:25.138 --> 00:00:36.841
We're joined by Pastor Jeff Little and Brandy and we have an amazing episode talking about really what the Lead to Win podcast is all about, which is the things that matter most and winning in those areas.

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So I want to say thank you both for being with us and so excited.

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Today could be a little bit scary because you are obviously leaders, pastors amazing but more than that, we're family, so this could get off the rails pretty quick.

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I really like when you refer to me as Pastor Jeff.

00:00:54.689 --> 00:00:57.128
I prefer Dr Little as what I like you to be.

00:00:57.149 --> 00:01:16.126
Oh, okay, yeah, he doesn't make us call him that at home as much as he did I know, I just joke about it that I make y'all call me those official titles, but yeah, Well, today we actually asked a bunch of our team some of the top questions in this area just talking about marriage.

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So you've obviously built something incredible, but even more than that, you've had a family and a marriage that lasted, and you've had the same passion today that you even had way back then for what God's called you to do.

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So we asked him some of the top questions, but I think we're also probably going to get into some funny stories today as well.

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So one of the first things I thought about when I thought about this conversation was something that you both always say, and you actually said it last week at a staff gathering where we were talking about just family longevity.

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You always say that people want God's blessing, but oftentimes they turn to culture or society or what other people say.

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But if you want God's blessing, you have to ask the question what does God bless?

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And can you unpack that for us a little bit?

00:02:01.489 --> 00:02:08.819
just that topic and kind of how you see that question you unpack that for us a little bit, just that topic and kind of how you see that question.

00:02:08.819 --> 00:02:32.917
Well, I mean, I find we've been married this year 30 years, so I don't like to feel like I'm as old or as far along as I am, but I do find myself sometimes thinking maybe I'm a dinosaur when it comes to value systems, and I realize that there's more people out there that have biblical values than maybe we recognize.

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But I do believe there is a louder voice in culture that wants to redefine what marriage is or what a marriage looks like according to God's word.

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And so I think, at the end of the day, what does he bless?

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He blesses his word.

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His word is eternal.

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We just did baby dedications this weekend and I saw these young families and we dedicated our granddaughter, our kids, my daughter and son-in-law dedicated Ellie.

00:03:00.342 --> 00:03:03.989
My grandson, sam was taking the show over a little bit.

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It was crazy, but I saw those young families and I just realized that they are navigating some different things with the culture, with what the kids that they're raising are going to be exposed to.

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But there is one thing that has been around and is time-tested before iPhones and after iPhones, and before AI and after AI, and that's God's Word.

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I told these young families set your family up on the authority of God's Word.

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That's true.

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When we got engaged, you gave me a Bible.

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I still have it, I read it this morning, I read it every morning, and in that you wrote me a letter that was just talking about the shared values we have and the desire to honor God and that we're going to build our marriage and our lives on his word.

00:04:04.485 --> 00:04:07.191
So we're still running the same play.

00:04:07.491 --> 00:04:17.427
Exactly, exactly, you know, and it's hard because culture really, you know, tries to define how we do things.

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So we look to culture for things, and so you know the things that we grew up with and the things that we learned and the things that we decided we're going to implement all those years ago, you know, is not necessarily what's popular or flashy or what a lot of parents would do these days, and so you know, sometimes y'all would even have rules or things you could and couldn't do, or things you could or couldn't watch, and all of that, and it seemed kind of like.

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But let's be honest, you've loosened up in your old age.

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I think you've changed.

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You were a little stricter when we were younger.

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But we would have values and rules that weren't popular and your friends would be like, oh, y'all can't watch this or that, but it was like we had values.

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We didn't want y'all to watch things that went against God's word and his Holy Spirit or that were dark or things like that, and so we held to those values, but also just traditional values of respect and honor, and you had to honor your teachers.

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You had to, even if you thought they were wrong.

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You had to go and say you're sorry and tell them you're my authority and I'm under your authority.

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All of those kind of things that we don't like to talk about these days.

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But specifically, I think you and I, one thing we started doing I don't know, maybe 10 years ago was we would have a weekend where you and I would sit and interact and dialogue.

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And I found that, if I'm really honest, I've always felt a little vulnerable.

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I've always felt a little vulnerable Like I, I, I, I find myself.

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I'm probably more comfortable if I had you know what a lot of our podcasts are us talking about team building or leadership Not that I'm not comfortable talking about family but you feel a little vulnerable, like letting people into your life.

00:06:01.685 --> 00:06:08.084
I mean, we we do live a life where we're with people and our lives are open, but I don't know.

00:06:08.084 --> 00:06:12.021
It's one of those things where you don't want to look like the expert because we're not.

00:06:12.021 --> 00:06:27.153
You don't want to act like you have all the answers, but I do think you get far enough in the journey where we've been married 30 years, we're still in love and we are not perfect, but you see the blessing.

00:06:27.153 --> 00:06:30.204
So you said what does God bless?

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Well, I think when you start out, you're just having to trust God will bless his word, but when you get where we're at, you actually have fruit of the fact that he does bless it, and so I think that it's a hard topic.

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Family marriage it's one of the top prayer requests we get.

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I remember a couple years ago you were writing a book and this was something you were going to include and I remember we sat around the family dinner table.

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You brought the manuscript and you were wrestling almost internally like am I going to talk about family?

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Because we don't want to say we're the standard, but we also believe that God's word speaks on this topic and we have a responsibility to help people in this area.

00:07:13.127 --> 00:07:15.773
I mean, I had so much like warfare about it.

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You guys were also at a different phase in life and I don't.

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You know it's a challenge, because you have this responsibility to help people in this area and I truly do believe God has the answers.

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God's way works.

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But you also feel a little bit vulnerable to put yourself out there, put your family out there, in that way.

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But I found that the more we talk about it, the more we're open, the more we we, we, we.

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Again, we don't even lean on our experience.

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We point people back to the word of what the word says.

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And so the book of Ephesians centers around your relationship with Christ, then your relationship with your spouse, then that progresses to the relationship with children, and then there's this connection to the church, to God's kingdom.

00:08:09.711 --> 00:08:25.250
And so we've always said you know, your ministry can't really go above your marriage because it'll eventually create a hindrance as to whether you can truly walk in everything God has for you.

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So your marriage is your first ministry.

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It's true, she's my main teammate.

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She's my first teammate, right?

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Biggest cheerleader.

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Yeah, she is my biggest cheerleader.

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Even when I preach bad, she tells me it's good.

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Amazing, that's true.

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Well, what I love about this topic is every leader, every person engaging.

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They can identify with this.

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Leaders understand the challenge of you want to succeed and, again, if the whole podcast and even one of the things that you're most famous for is helping people win in the areas of life that matter most and I think about when we look at this topic, every leader can kind of find themselves or identify at some level with busy schedule, young kids trying to succeed and grow something, and obviously y'all have navigated different seasons.

00:09:10.792 --> 00:09:17.841
You're at a place now where you're semi-retired from the parent thing you have one kid that's still at home.

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You got a bunch off and everybody in between grandparents, now Semi-retired, semi-retired from the parent thing, oh, parenting.

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I'm like I don't feel semi-retired.

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You're fully in the group with work, but I think when I think about that you've navigated a lot of different seasons, but those all look different and required something different from the interview.

00:09:36.904 --> 00:09:37.966
So for all the listeners.

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The point is on the parenting thing is that you and your sister are 13 months apart.

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You're like twins and so you guys are, you know, 25, 24, whatever.

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Then I have Lauren, who's 20, who, as we're filming this, just started nursing school.

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So, she's in her third year of college, and then Lainey Kate just started high school.

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So yes, we have, and y'all, the older siblings, torment her with the fact that she's being raised under a different governmental regime.

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I don't even think.

00:10:09.385 --> 00:10:10.509
DoorDash existed.

00:10:10.509 --> 00:10:15.311
But I mean every time I come over I'm like I mean, are you on the DoorDash premium?

00:10:15.350 --> 00:10:16.052
subscription.

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It's hard to cook for three people.

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We were eating hamburger helper every night.

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I mean, this was no, no.

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Everything was made from scratch.

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The one hamburger casserole she gets stuck on.

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Oh, it was really good, it was actually your mom's recipe.

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But you got to admit you.

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You only like you're kind of picky, okay, and so you cook the same thing over and over.

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I cook what I like, cause y'all are all finicky.

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So I'm like I'm at least.

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No, I'm at least going to laugh when I cook y'all you may or may not, you are finicky.

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But I grew up that you just eat what was put before.

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But let's be honest, you got healthy.

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So you started with lasagnas, pot pies, things like that, and then you got into.

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One day we came home to rice milk.

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I mean, if the milk's in the pantry, I mean where does the milk come from?

00:11:00.024 --> 00:11:08.215
So mom took an allergy test and found out she was allergic to everything which basically ruined my life because we don't have any real milk Made you healthier, made you healthier.

00:11:08.254 --> 00:11:08.775
You're welcome.

00:11:08.836 --> 00:11:09.015
It did.

00:11:09.015 --> 00:11:10.423
We slimmed down a little bit.

00:11:12.048 --> 00:11:12.591
Almond milk?

00:11:12.591 --> 00:11:16.328
I didn't know, almonds produced milk, yeah, so yeah.

00:11:16.328 --> 00:11:21.390
So I think we have gone through seasons starting a church.

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When you look back on it, you guys were.

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When we planted Milestone, you and Hannah were like two one you know I was working on a master's degree planting the church.

00:11:31.681 --> 00:11:32.883
So we've been through those.

00:11:32.883 --> 00:11:43.091
You know crazy seasons in the different stages for you guys, or the stages of the responsibilities and stewardships we have as well.

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Well, and mom, I know for you those seasons look different.

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For you, even where you're at now isn't really.

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When we were young, it looked completely different.

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How did you navigate that?

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What did that feel like in different seasons, and how did you really not only navigate it, but get through it?

00:11:58.888 --> 00:12:00.633
Well, Right.

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Well, I mean, you just are trying to do the right thing in what God calls you to do in that season and you hope it ends up well.

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But when God's in it it will, if you just trust Him in the process.

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So we were planting the church and there was a lot that we were doing and it required.

00:12:16.671 --> 00:12:34.051
But I knew my first ministry was at home and so I had you and Hannah, and then Lauren came shortly after when we moved to plant the church and I knew that I had to make sure that that was taken care of, because what if we change the whole world but lose our family?

00:12:34.051 --> 00:12:40.787
And so I just knew that I wanted y'all to not only love Jesus but love his church and not ever resent the church.

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Well, my mom and my dad were never here because they were always doing stuff with the church and I wanted you to feel presence.

00:12:47.294 --> 00:12:49.922
So practically speaking, I know listening to this today.

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You have, you know, a lot of different roles, different gift mixes.

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So we don't want to.

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We're not trying to make a cookie cutter, what we are saying.

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The true principle of God's word is your family is the ministry area that you should focus on.

00:13:06.214 --> 00:13:08.227
So I'm always quick to qualify.

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You have a different gift, set and mix.

00:13:10.006 --> 00:13:21.974
But I will say to every young person it's very hard to have a big platform where both parents have a big platform of busyness.

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Even in business, it's very hard to be driving these things.

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So for us just saying us I just in the last few years started doing things like podcasts and conferences and things.

00:13:34.679 --> 00:13:36.346
So I was me.

00:13:36.346 --> 00:13:40.951
I made a choice to be at you guys' bedside most nights.

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I didn't travel a lot, I was a local church pastor, but it wasn't for lack of opportunity either Requests things but it was an intentional effort.

00:13:53.082 --> 00:13:56.552
You can also do both, but it might look different in each season.

00:13:56.552 --> 00:14:04.145
So when y'all were little, I joined a mom's club and there was a lot of lost people in that, and so I was seeing people come to know God.

00:14:04.145 --> 00:14:05.288
And so what did I do?

00:14:05.288 --> 00:14:06.172
How did I disciple them?

00:14:06.172 --> 00:14:15.230
We met at McDonald's and y'all ate chickenish nuggets while we went through some discipleship material and I was meeting with them and y'all were having fun and you never thought anything about it.

00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:20.866
So it's just about your season, right, and it wasn't that you haven't been engaged with the life of the church.

00:14:20.866 --> 00:14:32.684
But we did not personally push at full force, max 10, both of us in those critical seasons and that was a value choice we made.

00:14:32.684 --> 00:14:35.672
I made a value choice build, milestone build.

00:14:35.712 --> 00:14:47.865
My family did not get too many irons going because that was a priority coaching, sports and being with my kids and for me, I don't regret those decisions.

00:14:47.865 --> 00:14:54.832
As I tell people, you can love your work as the main thing you love, but it won't love you back and what you're going to care about long term.

00:14:54.832 --> 00:15:08.201
So sometimes I'm not sitting here trying to put condemnation on people, but I think we sometimes think we need that or we got to focus on this to get to where some place we're trying to get to.

00:15:08.201 --> 00:15:10.847
I just love giving people permission to go.

00:15:10.847 --> 00:15:24.506
It's okay to not take that promotion, it's okay to not take that extra requirement on you, especially in those specific seasons in the life of your family.

00:15:24.506 --> 00:15:43.046
But if I had to offer somebody, if you're just going, hey, okay, marriage, family leadership, business at the end of the day, the highest goal other than your relationship with God because we can't do these relationships without God is unity.

00:15:43.046 --> 00:15:55.163
If someone were to ask me to write a parenting book, which I haven't wrote a parenting book or if someone were to ask me okay, what is one of the biggest keys to a great marriage?

00:15:55.724 --> 00:16:02.452
I think the fight for this word unity, not uniformity, right, because we're all different.

00:16:02.452 --> 00:16:10.398
Yeah, and that's one of your biggest surprises is you marry someone different than you, than your kids, and you're like where did you come from?

00:16:10.398 --> 00:16:13.389
You know they're different than you expect, right.

00:16:13.389 --> 00:16:24.215
But I believe that that building, and that's even with the time commitment of saying no to other things it's amazing how distance creates division.

00:16:24.215 --> 00:16:28.621
Right, it's right, and proximity creates trust.

00:16:28.621 --> 00:16:37.844
And so I believe you know, fighting for not we live in a culture that's fighting to obtain more.

00:16:37.844 --> 00:16:49.802
But if we would spend even half the effort fighting for unity as we do, fighting for more, half the effort, fighting for unity as we do, fighting for more, for bigger, for better, for platform or whatever, that mirage is out there.

00:16:50.562 --> 00:17:07.190
God commands and according to Psalm 133, he commands a blessing where there's unity, One of the phrases that we used to use all the time still do one team, one vision, so we're on the same team, so we don't want to be, you know, in conflict.

00:17:07.190 --> 00:17:08.751
If I were to say parenting.

00:17:08.811 --> 00:17:11.598
number one thing is generally.

00:17:11.598 --> 00:17:15.113
A lot of times it's the lack of unity among the parents.

00:17:15.113 --> 00:17:19.480
It's one side, one message, one side, another message.

00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:25.018
Usually that, and I will say there's no guarantees, there's no formula.

00:17:25.018 --> 00:17:26.781
These kids have their own wills.

00:17:26.781 --> 00:17:48.519
But even if you're in a struggle with a kid, if we're unified with God and unified with one another, we can see this thing through, Because there is something, even for a kid that strays off and dad are still submitted to God and mom and dad are still in unity with one another.

00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:51.089
There's something about that that draws them back to a place where God gets a breakthrough in their life.

00:17:51.089 --> 00:17:58.084
So unity to me is just so important which requires humility.

00:17:58.369 --> 00:18:04.634
Humility and communication, Because even when the kids are little, they might know oh, I can go to dad and ask for this.

00:18:04.634 --> 00:18:08.202
Mom know, mom said no, but maybe let me try and talk to dad, you know.

00:18:08.390 --> 00:18:10.898
I think I got one or two over, but maybe that was it.

00:18:12.290 --> 00:18:13.734
You know, so I would learn to say so.

00:18:13.734 --> 00:18:14.778
What did your dad say?

00:18:14.778 --> 00:18:16.875
Right, me and dad are on the same page.

00:18:16.875 --> 00:18:18.271
I'm not going to contradict dad, yeah.

00:18:18.853 --> 00:18:28.884
Well, and I know, when it comes to seasons and just knowing where you're at even what, I hear you saying you can't have it all, so focusing on what's best in the season God has you in.

00:18:28.884 --> 00:18:45.960
But I know one of the things that you've talked a lot about and you actually shared with our team and I heard so much good feedback on was just the idea even of not comparing your season with somebody else.

00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:52.730
It's so easy to look at the fact that you're at McDonald's eating chickenish nuggets and other people are traveling and doing this, but it's just, it's not one's wrong or right, it's what's your season, right?

00:18:54.450 --> 00:18:58.218
Right, yeah, I mean, and if you're always wishing for another season again, you can never enjoy where you're at.

00:18:58.218 --> 00:19:07.384
And it is hard when you are picking up chicken nuggets off the floor and sippy cups and all the things and you just wish I can't wait till they're older and my kids are in this place and then I have this freedom and all of that.

00:19:07.384 --> 00:19:11.843
And, honestly, you get to where we are now and you look back and it's like you're going to.

00:19:11.843 --> 00:19:12.827
You know the song.

00:19:12.827 --> 00:19:13.770
You're going to miss this.

00:19:14.634 --> 00:19:20.911
And so every season has its things that are sometimes frustrating and trying and all the things.

00:19:20.911 --> 00:19:25.439
But there's such good blessings and such good moments and every season's important.

00:19:25.439 --> 00:19:30.145
When you're doing all of those little things with the sippy cups and all of that, you're teaching so many lessons.

00:19:30.145 --> 00:19:31.287
You're talking about the heart.

00:19:31.287 --> 00:19:35.435
It's not just about the attitude, it's not just about the actions, it's the heart going, you know.

00:19:35.435 --> 00:19:47.253
And so there's so many things in every single season and then you think, man, if they could just little again, you know, and they didn't have these attitudes, you know, and all of the things.

00:19:47.253 --> 00:19:58.278
But every season actually ended up loving y'all's teenage years more than I would have ever thought, because y'all were becoming adults and I was getting to know who you were as adults and we were having real conversations.

00:19:58.278 --> 00:19:59.931
So every season has its blessings.

00:19:59.951 --> 00:20:03.078
You had to make a value choice because you had a women's Bible study.

00:20:03.138 --> 00:20:07.109
That was actually one of the largest in the area, that for the season they were teenagers.

00:20:07.109 --> 00:20:13.002
You said no to that, which really someone comparing would look and go.

00:20:13.002 --> 00:20:19.496
I wish I could have several hundred women to speak to resource, and you actually made the choice.

00:20:19.496 --> 00:20:21.919
You said you know what, guys, I can't do this in this season.

00:20:22.829 --> 00:20:24.615
I think back to comparison.

00:20:24.615 --> 00:20:31.065
That's why I think that verse, they that compare themselves among themselves and measure themselves by themselves, are not wise.

00:20:31.065 --> 00:20:38.849
And we live in a world today where you can look at something to compare your life to, but you may not know the backstory.

00:20:38.849 --> 00:20:44.619
You don't know what price they're paying to post that picture.

00:20:44.619 --> 00:20:49.678
What's really going on in their soul, what's really going on in their family?

00:20:49.678 --> 00:20:55.954
And I think that's why comparison is just not wise and it fails us all.

00:20:55.954 --> 00:21:00.854
I know there's people listening their wife has to work, or your mom worked my mom.

00:21:00.854 --> 00:21:05.109
I mean, this is not about the argument about who works, who doesn't work, who wasn't.

00:21:05.109 --> 00:21:11.059
What it's about is this what I feel like we're failing the next generation with?

00:21:11.059 --> 00:21:16.327
Every time you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else.

00:21:16.327 --> 00:21:23.336
It's true, and I'm saying give your best yes to your family, give your best yes to your family.

00:21:23.369 --> 00:21:25.358
That's what you're going to care about when you get older.

00:21:25.358 --> 00:21:30.865
Family, give your best yes to your family, because that's what you're going to care about when you get older, and it's not another accomplishment or another.

00:21:30.865 --> 00:21:44.290
The thing we're messaged many times is not what we're really going to care about, and I know people who actually, by God's grace, have been given the margin to invest in their family and they actually feel like they're a loser.

00:21:44.290 --> 00:21:47.156
They feel like I need to be doing.

00:21:47.156 --> 00:21:48.980
It's like no, actually you're.

00:21:48.980 --> 00:21:51.994
You know, I always am running, I'm trying to encourage them.

00:21:51.994 --> 00:22:00.375
You know, and I think I think for me this is a crazy statement, but I always had more vision for my family than I did our church.

00:22:00.375 --> 00:22:02.858
I have more vision for my family, like I.

00:22:02.858 --> 00:22:10.576
I don't feel like I'm getting second best with my family because I really am being held back from something greater.

00:22:10.576 --> 00:22:12.320
You know we sit down together.

00:22:12.382 --> 00:22:16.766
Every year, you know, christmas time we gather, we spend about a week together.

00:22:16.766 --> 00:22:19.073
We get down there before everyone even gets to the table.

00:22:19.073 --> 00:22:23.951
Somebody's already crying, it's probably that one across the table.

00:22:23.951 --> 00:22:26.098
But and table and we just plan.

00:22:26.098 --> 00:22:27.275
Who do we want to be?

00:22:27.275 --> 00:22:28.596
What are we all praying about?

00:22:28.596 --> 00:22:29.855
How can we pray for each other?

00:22:29.855 --> 00:22:47.471
And you talk a lot about aspirational versus actual values and as a family, you can say, well, I have more vision for my family, but I know, even for me as a kid, sitting in those moments, you can see that you've planned and prepared and there's binders and you do.

00:22:47.471 --> 00:22:58.429
You have vision for the family and and I think your kids know that I've delegated that now to jansen, but you have, you've been delegating out a lot of assignments that we're all working on.

00:22:58.429 --> 00:23:12.340
But but as a kid, you feel that, like you're if, whether your parents, yeah, are more concerned about what's going on at work or if it's you right, I mean, these are little things, okay.

00:23:12.589 --> 00:23:19.144
So sometimes you're listening to a podcast you're trying to glean, you know what's three points to fix, blah, blah, blah.

00:23:19.144 --> 00:23:21.954
And I'm a preacher so I would tend to be like here's this.

00:23:21.954 --> 00:23:29.151
But I had a kid come up to me when I spoke at a men's event recently, crying, and he goes.

00:23:29.151 --> 00:23:36.980
Man, I just really realized, like, because I told the story of me losing my dad, he's like I just realized how much my dad has really invested in me.

00:23:36.980 --> 00:23:43.483
I said to him we ought to write him a letter and like tell him like thank you, dad, for what all you've done.

00:23:43.483 --> 00:23:45.096
Well, the same is true.

00:23:45.096 --> 00:23:47.015
What are we talking about?

00:23:47.015 --> 00:23:47.489
Like, thank you, dad, for what all you've done.

00:23:47.489 --> 00:23:47.556
Well, the same is true.

00:23:47.556 --> 00:23:47.766
What are we talking about?

00:23:47.766 --> 00:23:50.769
Like planning these moments?

00:23:50.769 --> 00:23:53.097
Right, you and I would always take a summer trip.

00:23:53.097 --> 00:24:01.023
You're talking about the moment we share every December, having what we call kind of our family meeting and praying for one another.

00:24:01.023 --> 00:24:04.180
Like be intentional.

00:24:04.770 --> 00:24:06.257
We even started when they were young.

00:24:06.257 --> 00:24:10.980
When they were young, we would take each one of them and talk about the facts of life and all the things.

00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:12.423
Yeah, I mean, you walk through these stages.

00:24:12.789 --> 00:24:15.500
The facts of life is a nice way to put that.

00:24:15.500 --> 00:24:17.498
You took us away on this nice trip.

00:24:17.498 --> 00:24:27.339
It'd be like you know some water park or something we're all excited, you know, and then you get there and it's a bait and switch, it's the talk, right, and I remember you had a couple of different.

00:24:27.420 --> 00:24:36.191
Yeah, so you've had to do three because, there's three girls me and Caleb.

00:24:36.191 --> 00:24:36.611
I just had one.

00:24:36.611 --> 00:24:39.095
So you told me you took Hannah, you gave her like the talk about how life works and Hannah was like, oh, I can't.

00:24:39.095 --> 00:24:42.861
She was like trying to block it out, she goes, I can never not know this anymore.

00:24:42.861 --> 00:24:48.575
Caleb, on the other hand, classic Caleb I shared with him and he's like I knew it every time.

00:24:48.575 --> 00:24:49.657
Y'all lock that door.

00:24:50.359 --> 00:24:52.865
Well, they put us to bed at seven or 14.

00:24:52.865 --> 00:24:54.192
You know it's like 7 PM.

00:24:54.192 --> 00:25:02.118
The kids are playing on the street, sun shining through all the doors so we can knock you out, Locked us in 12 hours.

00:25:02.118 --> 00:25:08.289
It was like man, something's going on downstairs in 12 hours.

00:25:08.309 --> 00:25:13.198
It was like man, something's going on downstairs, but I think what you're talking about is stages of helping with development.

00:25:13.198 --> 00:25:20.972
Preteen, we do these different moments as a young guy comes of age or a daughter.

00:25:20.972 --> 00:25:35.082
What I'm saying is put the intentionality and the effort into creating the moments to communicate your values Because, just like we say in discipleship, it's more caught than it is sometimes taught.

00:25:35.082 --> 00:25:41.663
The other thing we talk about I find this so interesting that we talk about this with guests.

00:25:41.663 --> 00:25:45.881
So just the other day I was listening to a talk about guests at church.

00:25:45.881 --> 00:25:57.683
They don't feel your plan, they don't feel that you care, they only feel what you act on.

00:25:57.683 --> 00:26:08.664
So, in other words, you can feel great love towards your children, but if you don't act on it and find ways to have them connect to it.

00:26:09.611 --> 00:26:13.161
And I mean there used to be people say well, it's not about time, it's about quality time.

00:26:13.161 --> 00:26:14.012
I disagree.

00:26:14.012 --> 00:26:17.066
It's about time in general period, it's about the investment.

00:26:17.185 --> 00:26:27.343
Right, it is about the quality moments, but it's just about the investment too you know Well, and something you've always said and I know you've both done a great job at this is like meeting them where they're at.

00:26:27.343 --> 00:26:41.511
Like we had different interests in some ways and there were things that you liked or that I liked, but you would try to meet me where I was and that always that that meant a lot to me, that it wasn't just about, well, hey, come with me on a work trip or do this, or whatever it was.

00:26:41.511 --> 00:26:42.856
What are you interested in?

00:26:42.856 --> 00:26:45.338
I know you did that with my sisters a lot.

00:26:45.338 --> 00:26:47.113
It was what are you interested in?

00:26:47.113 --> 00:26:47.997
I know you did that with my sisters a lot.

00:26:47.997 --> 00:26:48.660
Just, what do you want to do?

00:26:48.660 --> 00:26:49.363
What are you passionate about?

00:26:49.363 --> 00:26:51.553
And meeting them, I guess, where they are and what they care about.

00:26:51.574 --> 00:26:59.482
Yeah, just finding things to connect over and spend time together, because that's really what they want is just time, but even quality time of doing things they love.

00:26:59.482 --> 00:27:00.652
We still do that today.

00:27:00.652 --> 00:27:07.946
Y'all are adults and I'm like let's go play pickleballball together, because I love still spending time with y'all and connecting over willing to meet y'all at that.

00:27:07.967 --> 00:27:09.009
He's not willing to do it.

00:27:09.009 --> 00:27:12.276
He's not, and so I mean I would be good if I did it.

00:27:12.576 --> 00:27:30.778
Just in general well, we'd love for you to try it out and sing I think I'd be pretty powerful but, I'm not willing to go there because I don't need another hobby yeah, well, every time we play, I think, mom, you keep getting these nicer paddles and keep ordering stuff, and then you give us these wooden planks to play with.

00:27:30.910 --> 00:27:32.663
You're the recipient of my old, nice paddles.

00:27:32.763 --> 00:27:40.262
I did just get an old paddle, listen I want to say this I don't know how good she is, but if outfits and paddles will make you good, she should be dominating everybody.

00:27:40.750 --> 00:27:41.994
She has all the things.

00:27:42.738 --> 00:27:43.179
I have fun.

00:27:43.179 --> 00:27:46.460
We'll just say that I have fun, but you don't really care if you win.

00:27:46.460 --> 00:27:48.895
No, I do definitely care if I win.

00:27:48.895 --> 00:27:49.417
Yes, yeah.

00:27:51.330 --> 00:27:52.817
So you are competitive about it.

00:27:53.049 --> 00:27:55.118
I am competitive about it, but yeah.

00:27:55.771 --> 00:27:57.057
So that's a great point.

00:27:57.057 --> 00:28:04.255
Meeting them where they're at Marriage is the foundation.

00:28:04.255 --> 00:28:08.827
Unity between mom and dad is so big.

00:28:09.019 --> 00:28:16.925
And I realize there's people face blended families and different stuff, but still, whatever unity level you can fight for, there's blessing in it.

00:28:16.925 --> 00:28:19.288
We could sit and do you know we?

00:28:19.288 --> 00:28:24.690
We have marriage teachings and you know, talk about communication and intimacy and relationship and all that.

00:28:24.690 --> 00:28:43.115
But then I think it is, you know, as the as you develop a family and specifically what you're saying a family that also has responsibilities and weight, like you have to be even more intentional to connect with where they're at.

00:28:43.115 --> 00:28:53.700
And I would say to somebody out there that it feels like I think parents don't want to admit this, but I think where we really get tripped up is we feel rejected.

00:28:53.700 --> 00:28:58.811
I remember you and I there were a few things I really tried to do to set up.

00:28:58.811 --> 00:29:04.010
It was like man, this thing didn't go right.

00:29:04.259 --> 00:29:08.800
We didn't always go toe-to-toe, but when we did, it got scary, it's true.

00:29:08.820 --> 00:29:13.051
I was kind of like I did all this but really I didn't.

00:29:13.051 --> 00:29:16.109
I wasn't trying to connect at that time with where you were.

00:29:16.109 --> 00:29:21.079
I was putting something to where I thought and then I felt rejected.

00:29:21.079 --> 00:29:31.903
Or when your kid kind of is pushing you away, we tend to isolate, but I would say to anybody out there, whether it's the marriage, relationship, family, this is life in general.

00:29:31.903 --> 00:29:46.752
You got to overcome the insecurity that wants to make you withdraw and you got to say I'm going to be more humble here and I'm going to add value, even if I feel those things.

00:29:46.752 --> 00:29:51.285
That's the key to marriage, even if I feel like I haven't received.

00:29:51.285 --> 00:29:57.473
We say it in almost every marriage talk parenting, all that Go first.

00:29:57.473 --> 00:29:58.875
Right, go first.

00:29:58.934 --> 00:29:59.336
Go first.

00:29:59.336 --> 00:30:00.545
It's the go first principle.

00:30:00.779 --> 00:30:06.393
Somebody has to say I don't know that I'm getting everything I think I deserve, but I'm going first.

00:30:07.240 --> 00:30:15.826
Well, and I think probably in your relationship you were ready to go right, deal with things, but you probably grew up in a family that was a little more like.

00:30:15.826 --> 00:30:18.432
Let me think on this for a little bit.

00:30:18.432 --> 00:30:19.604
Let me process on my own.

00:30:19.604 --> 00:30:19.984
I didn't.

00:30:20.286 --> 00:30:22.521
Yeah, I had to learn Like his family.

00:30:22.521 --> 00:30:24.026
They embraced conflict.

00:30:24.026 --> 00:30:25.810
They did.

00:30:25.810 --> 00:30:30.391
It was like we're just going to stay up all night and fight it out and then we're going to come out and it's going to be good.

00:30:30.391 --> 00:30:36.215
And I was like, let's just, it'll be fine, I'm going to get over it, I'm going to go and I'll get over it and we'll be fine.

00:30:36.215 --> 00:30:38.760
And he's like, no, we're going to talk about it.

00:30:38.760 --> 00:30:43.005
And so that was different, that kind of conflict resolution of actually having to talk about it and work out a resolution.

00:30:43.005 --> 00:30:44.547
So we came to a really healthy middle, I think.

00:30:44.547 --> 00:30:44.747
True, yeah.

00:30:55.740 --> 00:30:56.684
No, that's great.

00:30:56.684 --> 00:31:00.492
One of the last things that I wanted to ask y'all while we're here.

00:31:00.492 --> 00:31:15.991
One of the questions that we got from our young team members and something that I know you're both passionate about it's a part of your own story, but also something that you help so many people with is the topic of dating, and we always get questions around this.

00:31:15.991 --> 00:31:17.740
We've gotten questions on Instagram.

00:31:17.839 --> 00:31:18.924
Do we have time to go there now?

00:31:18.924 --> 00:31:20.089
I think we're going to go there.

00:31:20.089 --> 00:31:22.345
I mean, it probably needs to be its own episode.

00:31:22.806 --> 00:31:34.325
What would you say just real quick to the young, you know, lady, the young man that's has a heart to be married or is engaging in this realm of dating, both as a parent, whether they're teens or adults?

00:31:34.325 --> 00:31:37.211
How have you helped other people navigate that?

00:31:37.211 --> 00:31:39.103
But also, how did you guys navigate that?

00:31:39.182 --> 00:31:47.406
Yeah Well, that's the biggest decision you'll ever make, other than accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

00:31:47.406 --> 00:31:50.143
The biggest decision you'll ever make is who you're going to marry.

00:31:50.143 --> 00:31:52.508
And so we don't want to take that casually.

00:31:52.508 --> 00:31:59.893
We want to really be intentional, we want to seek God about it, get sound wisdom from other people that can see into it as well.

00:32:00.599 --> 00:32:07.565
I know for me and my story is a little bit, you know, kind of out there, but you know, the Lord gave me a scripture when I was 16.

00:32:07.565 --> 00:32:11.032
That's in Ruth, and it said not to run after young men, whether poor or rich.

00:32:11.032 --> 00:32:14.535
Establish yourself as a woman of good character, and I'll do for you whatever you ask.

00:32:14.535 --> 00:32:21.241
And so I just took that like, okay, god, I'm not going to run after guys, I'm not going to do this traditional dating system, I'm going to wait for you to bring my husband.

00:32:21.241 --> 00:32:24.423
And then you're like, okay, that's great, how's that going to happen?

00:32:24.423 --> 00:32:34.152
Right, but he did, he did, and I just encourage you, like it's a serious decision and there's a lot of factors in that.

00:32:34.152 --> 00:32:38.895
You want him to be handsome, you want him to be attractive to you, you want to have good chemistry and all of those things.

00:32:38.895 --> 00:32:41.136
But do they love Jesus?

00:32:41.376 --> 00:32:43.363
Right, do they have good character?

00:32:43.363 --> 00:32:47.066
Well, as some say, like don't marry a Christian, everybody's a Christian, right?

00:32:47.105 --> 00:32:47.406
Right.

00:32:47.799 --> 00:32:52.201
So marry someone, or date someone who's surrendered to Christ right?

00:32:52.201 --> 00:32:54.449
So marry someone, or date someone who's surrendered to Christ.

00:32:54.470 --> 00:32:56.356
It doesn't mean you just sat at the house and you were involved in your church.

00:32:56.376 --> 00:33:04.065
You were growing, you were spiritually, and then when we connected, you were engaged and connecting, so we're not talking about some weird thing here, to where you're not living life.

00:33:04.164 --> 00:33:06.750
But I think I think here's the.

00:33:06.750 --> 00:33:20.852
If you want to, I could talk about a lot about this, some passion about it, but if you really want to sum it really up, when you said the traditional dating system or the cultural philosophy, or God's philosophy, it really boils down to this.

00:33:20.852 --> 00:33:25.660
The world's philosophy is I've got to go make it happen.

00:33:25.660 --> 00:33:29.171
I'm looking for someone.

00:33:29.171 --> 00:33:53.554
God's pattern is I'm becoming someone, I'm seeking Christ and my primary objective is to become the person of character and that, ultimately, as I'm becoming who God's called me to be, then I'm going to also begin to be drawn to that person who's seeking the same.

00:33:53.755 --> 00:33:54.015
Right.

00:33:54.480 --> 00:34:08.152
And I think today's concept is much more of search, find, look and really not even be that intentional about even who it is Right.

00:34:08.213 --> 00:34:08.653
And settle.

00:34:08.653 --> 00:34:09.972
We settle because it's like I don't see anything better.

00:34:09.972 --> 00:34:11.108
I don't even know if people have a standard for a lot of people and it's a checklist Are settle.

00:34:11.108 --> 00:34:11.708
We settle because it's like I don't see anything better.

00:34:11.653 --> 00:34:15.536
Settle I don't even know if people have a standard for a lot of people and it's a checklist Are we compatible?

00:34:15.536 --> 00:34:15.717
Are we?

00:34:15.737 --> 00:34:16.597
compatible.

00:34:16.597 --> 00:34:18.097
Do we know that Right?

00:34:18.097 --> 00:34:22.184
And most of it, not to get overly.

00:34:22.184 --> 00:34:27.150
Scripturally speaking, you have friendship love, phileo love.

00:34:27.150 --> 00:34:31.394
You have eros, romantic love, but the Bible talks about agape love.

00:34:31.394 --> 00:34:32.795
Is this sacrificial love?

00:34:32.795 --> 00:34:47.751
And we're looking for love as the old country song, looking for love in all the wrong places and most of our love is that romantic, sexualized, external love, love.

00:34:47.751 --> 00:34:51.838
But what keeps a marriage for 30 years is agape love of?

00:34:51.838 --> 00:35:07.952
Really, ultimately, most of our instruction in scripture for marriages, to humble ourself, deny yourself, lay down your own life for the other person, and that's where we get off.

00:35:08.981 --> 00:35:14.510
And I believe that God does have.

00:35:14.510 --> 00:35:16.519
There's people that say they don't believe.

00:35:16.519 --> 00:35:35.407
I believe, if this is the most important decision as far as everyday life, I believe God orchestrates divine relationships and so I believe that he wants to be involved in this area of your life and I think, at the end of the day, it's becoming that person and then really it's faith.

00:35:35.407 --> 00:35:42.650
If you want to just pull it all down to have faith that God can do it, what are you looking for?

00:35:42.650 --> 00:35:45.481
Character, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

00:35:45.481 --> 00:35:58.630
Chemistry is this part of how God connects you with another person, but I also think there's a calling element, I think, where God's calling that person and calling you.

00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:02.931
If you're going to walk in unity, there's got to be a matching of destinies.

00:36:02.931 --> 00:36:07.311
So there's some practical things that you need to use as a grid.

00:36:07.311 --> 00:36:13.902
But a lot of times it isn't that people don't have a standard, a grid, but a lot of times it isn't that people don't have a standard.

00:36:13.902 --> 00:36:19.826
It's that they maybe don't even believe they're worthy for God to give them something that good, or they just don't have faith for that.

00:36:19.826 --> 00:36:20.887
So they settle.

00:36:21.086 --> 00:36:22.007
To wait yeah.

00:36:22.188 --> 00:36:22.407
Yeah.

00:36:22.748 --> 00:36:25.590
Faith to trust God, that he's going to bring the right person.

00:36:25.590 --> 00:36:28.172