You Can't Have it All...Or can You?

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Speaker 1: Welcome to jay dot im a production of I Heart Radio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome back, Hi everybody, welcome to j dot ilga podcast. You've been asking for some more episodes, and here is one. Okay, here is one. I am here with my sister friends l yah st Clair, Hello everybody, and my other sister friend Aga grading Dans. So here's here's the scenario. I have a I can't say names at all, have a friend who has had a tough go in relationships definitely has almost decided to give up on love, like almost. There's been some physical abuse, there's been some verbal abuse, um and and this is watching the whole thing, like over the course of of the last um twenty years or so. That's a long time to experience any level of abuse at all. But she's finally found someone. Her process was to stop looking and to kind of let go and let God, if you will, to allow divine intervention to to take its place. And it did. Divine intervention absolutely did came and showed her something completely uh surprising, loving, gentle, patient, present, fun, passionate, romantic, uh joyful, Like these are these are really big words. I'm not just throwing them out there. These are big words, especially for someone who has experienced a lot of pain in the past, and completely it's it's honestly, when I when I when I see her, the glow in her eyes, I've never seen her look like this, She's never been more beautiful. Like honestly, it's like, wow, look at look at this love just radiating all over you, which is what everybody wants, right, you want the kind of love that just beams off of you, you know. And and it's it's been about uh for them maybe five and a half years or so. However, you know there's always something. Yeah, I'm waiting on the gag. Yeah, the sex ain't sex and ah, okay, let's that's that's get into happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything he's everything, but yes, everything but that this is a lot of guy will say, Yeah, a lot of the relationships in the past have been primarily based on the whole sexual aspect. So you know, put it plain. If the dick is good, you know, then we'll work everything out, you know what I mean. I definitely have said that once or twice in my life, and I'm sure that mistake has been made many times. Listen, um that if the Dick is good, then we could we rock this thing. We could stay here and make it work, or I'll forgive some things or ignore some things, because that that work is that you know powerful, Yes, it really legitimately hitting for that is not the state. What she has here is everything else. So I got questions because when you say I'm all for this topic, because I know this well, I've been through this to myself. My question is is the partner? Is it the motion and the ocean or is it the tool that he is using? Because we can work with motion. Tool is hard, but is it the motionlogy is difficult to overcome, but skill level can be adjusted exactly do you know the answer to that? Jill, Like we talked about this quite a bit. It's it's the skill level. It's it's that skill level is fixed up a whole Netflix. They got a whole They got a whole thing. They got two different ones. They got one called the Pleasure Principles, and then they got another one that when if Paltrow did, called Love, Sex and Goop. I literally just watch these recently just out of curiosity, and I'm like, you does and let me tell you I got some information that I did not have before. And so I think what happens is that we think, like many things, we and you become an adult, you're just supposed to know a thing. Where were we supposed to learn this stuff from? And most of us and when I say us, I mean people who are like Gen X or old millennials or whatever, most of us and even some young boomers, because some of us know some young boomers who were cool with So it's like, at the end of the day, this whole group, we weren't taught about sexuality. We weren't taught about sensuality, we weren't taught about how to make love to someone. These are things that we learned by trial and error, and like people just don't learn. And then and then also to there's a biological party. Yeah, there's a biological aspect of it that we don't know either. Most of us don't know our bodies, and most of us don't know women's bodies in particular, or people with parts that are associated with being a woman. People do not get these things. Like there's so many things about our bodies that we never see that we don't know. I'm gonna just throw this out here. I literally just found out a week ago how large the clarterers really is. You would tell us Angel he was telling us about this the other day. We all been thinking, like we knew, look, and we've been so so focused on on the man and his size of penis when we really want this, this, this that's balling out here, because really, when you talk about all of the cells and everything, the cells are all the same. They just configure slightly differently for a body that goes on to be called a boy and a body that goes on to be called a girl. But it's all the same. So all of the same tissue that is used to make a penis, that same tissue is used to make the glitterings. We we knew that because that's why sensitives to make the city. It's sensitive, so we're it's sensitive and large covers a lot of real estate. And really, I guess you're right to the actuality when we ask the question of movement versus tools, I was actually thinking, I've been on the other side of that, and I've been with mine that I loved and they had everything and blah blah, bah blah. We was great friends. But the tool was just so minute that it was, you know, but even with that, I hadn't had to know my body and go be still, I'm gonna do this after you. I'm gonna just let me just do this because I know where it is in you know. No, actually it didn't. It just it worked. It worked, It just it wasn't It wasn't enough. So I guess it was it was a tool thing, because yeah, it's still I still had to figure out so bad about the tool situation because I'm like, how can I may I mean, what can you do? Well, you're I mean, well that's not true. I mean for sure, I mean, you know you can get someone to climax. I'm just saying, like that particular kind of thing you can't change now. But but we talked about that when you're looking for someone to reach a place. That is the challenging part about having been with other partners because you've been somewhere else and you know that there's a spot that that can be touched and reached, but it can't be touched and reached by this person. But that's but that's not your friend, but your girlfriend, that's not I feel like she still has hope. There are so many like with Asia said, it's like so many movies, books and things in that nature of the karmacet. You'll be trying all that ship. That's the part, right, just try all that ship. That's what I say. It's the exploration of it all. Yeah, And they have a high trust level, so that right there, right, And so I'm very hot, be inspired because there's so much to do. There's so much fun to be had. It's just because it's not like that, you know, doesn't mean it can't be like yes, that part and are they talking about this open communication about the fact that we need work on this, like like one are the conversations that people really having about sex? Because honestly, I don't think the couples talk about it as much as they should impartially because I said, this isn't the not knowing of the self. A lot of people generation they're not having conversations about sex. Actually, I think it would be really hard to come to your partner and say I'm not satisfied sexually. I would not want to have that conversation. That's a mandatory thing. You have to say it, and you have to say it before you do something else about it. Like I'm kind of glad someone came to me at some point in my life and was like, I'm gonna need it a little more. And I was thinking my me and myself, I was thinking, I'm killing the game. What what you doing there? Amos la la? And also you know you well that too. And I'm just also saying being open to when he say, I'm I mean, you have to communicate what you want, because I also had somebody be like I need that thing. It's like a little bit more too, you know what I'm just saying, like, are we had that conversation before though, But yeah, but then the women don't say it too. But I think that while men feel comfortable saying it, I don't think that women always feel comfortable saying like I know I've had issues even when I've been approached to be like, tell me what you want, and it's like because in the back of your mind you just want him to find it, and it just be like that, like we just clink up. But it's that's not reality, and so it is reality. It is. It's you can ultimately meet someone and and be like rockham sock' robot okay, and then how you're going to get everything else? On the list too. That's the thing. But you're not gonna get everything else on the list. You're gonna have, You're gonna have a great sexual chemistry. Like for instance, there was a someone that I dated for a while and I he had a cent. It was a scent, and at first it didn't like it. Whatever the scent was, I didn't like what that was. And then somehow another I realized that that was his what do you call it pharomone? Yeah it was It was for me was a pheromone, but it was a stinky scent or it just bothered. It just wasn't something that I wanted to smell. I don't know. It just put me off a little. And then but we kept spending time together, hanging out talking blah blah blah, and and all of a sudden that smell became like a pheromone to me, and my body would respond in ways that would shock me, like it was shut down, like buddles, Oh it's good thing, buds, Yeah for team smells like yeah, after he has a haircut, I don't know what that is. Might I love that area anyhow? Um right, more real talk after the break, Like I'm in Atlanta right now as well, and I'm like, wait a minute, it's like eighteen or twenty two to one. I've been I've been watching, I've been going out and I've been watching people on dates, you know, because it's that's one of my favorite things on the planet to do, is people watch. People are so interesting. And I've been looking at these bomb ass looking I don't know what they're like internally, obviously, but I'm looking at these beautiful women, beautiful women out with with dudes that literally looked like for Ranky's. Okay, so you're in Atlanta, So you're in Atlanta. You understand that it is real, Like you just said, you just get the numbers at Jill and you educ ay women too, because it's like so many universities and colleges in Atlanta. But I always, you know, for the lawyers, they married them, d C. That's just where the boys meet and they get married, and it's just odd. I'm just watching it and I'm looking at all of these I'm talking. There was one girl at a restaurant. Woman she was, you know, just like my favorite curR of people. She was. If I will say that, like I have a like a preference. I really really love reddish colored people with freckles, black and red hair and black but black. That thing, I just I'm fascinated. I'm not a friend like that. It's gorgeous. It is gorgeous. It's a beautiful look. I think it's such a beautiful children, men, women, old, young. I just think that's so pretty to me. But anyway, this is what this young woman looked like. She looked like a beautiful model. And I'm looking at her and she this little guy with his clothes were so tight, and it just wasn't it wasn't It wasn't nice. He wasn't hurt, she wasn't his first choice. She wasn't his first choice. I mean, well, how do y'all know, y'all know what doing? You don't know what that thing is? Thinging. First of he could have all the personality in the world, but he stayed on his phone while she laughed hard at everything. He said, that's why, And I was like, just terrible, terrible, Well, I don't know. I mean, the dating situation is crazy. I'm you know, I've heard I have a lot of single girlfriends, and then of course you know, now I have adult kids, so I hear a lot of a lot of things about the dating kind of scene. That's while one of the things is that certain kind of expectations around finances I think are actually good and toxic at the same time. Like we're people were talking about sex because I really think that that was more of a concern, kind of a generational concern. I think also because number one, younger folks are asserting themselves sexually in a different kind of way. They don't feel like obligated to express themselves in a box. So by the time they get into dating or maybe even coupling off permanently, some of that stuff has already been worked out, you know what I'm saying, or you know, or maybe they have other options, you know, and polyamorous people. We talked about that on the show before, all kinds of different stuff. But I feel like one of the new things that's popped up is the whole finances thing. Like, you know, we're dietching some of these patriarchal things, but at the same time too, we're adapting a more capitalistic view. Everybody wants to be being j and everybody wants to get the bag, and if that because they don't know the song no romance without finance. Yeah, but I'm not talking about that. That's talking about a man kind of helping a woman and being like the head of the household. This is how we were raised. Right now we're talking about Yeah, that's cute, I got money, but do honey, Uh, it's your finance. What do you bring in to the table? And how can we build an empire? It's all about empire's child. If I hear about anything more about a dag on empire and this my king and my queen, and I still don't think that started with them. I'm like, it's spelling and morehouse blooming like that four minutes, but I hear it. I'm here for things before now. But the data scene changes is ever changing. And and what I've what I've been seeing out there is that people's values around everything from finances to sex to whatever, to friendship to how do things what does love look even look like anymore? What? How do you even express that in a relationship? I think it's just really it's really different. But also to there's so many um what do you call them? Tools and things out there to help people to get through it. Like I feel like we didn't really have anything. People say, Oh, go to premarital counseling like that was what people said. You know, I don't. Now, you've got a million different things that can help you to navigate all these different you know, aspects of relationship. Now. Now, my advice has been to ride it out, to just explore as much as possible, and to have fun with the exploration. That is. That has been my advice. You know, continuously searched to date pantric sex is. Yes, yes, she trying my advice. All the things there your girlfriend as a matter of fact, so she did try to tan trick and she's trying all the things. You know, she's with it because he's awesome. It's going very well. They're still riding, she's still glowing. It's a good thing. Also. Yes, now here's the and I'm very happy to report that. My question to you ladies is is that settling? Is that settling? Is it? No? I don't think that's settling. And I said it quickly because I feel like you're not settling unless it's something that doesn't have any hope of changing. You know what I'm saying, Like, if it's something that you can work on, then I feel like, well, yeah, that's not that's not a settle. That's more like a um being flexible to me. I mean, you know, so like I hear what I asked, was is that settling? Because because she's work, that's what I'm saying that right, I mean, it was so already so close. I'm like now, I mean when you said that it wasn't the tool, That's how I was like, yeah, she good, Like they're gonna have fun figuring this out. And once you figure that out, and once you on that journey too, and it gives you a whole another level to your relationship because y'all have to work that ship out and that that's when that sex is going to be phenomenal mentally too, because y'all put the work in the sense of accomplishment that you got through it together. Because even though it's not a sex thing. I always this, you know, I'm always weird about giving merried advice, But the one merried advice I will give is this, you get you get us a major hump. Every relationship, every marriage has one major hump. If you get over that hump, can't nobody really funk with y'all after that? Like y'all strong. That is a really strong place to be in once you're able to get over like a major hump, and not that you may not get another one, but I'm saying there's always just that one that kind of defines like this is like we were in it, you know what I'm saying. And I really believe that. I feel like a lot of times people don't last because they really are not able to get over that that first or that only kind of real major hump. But people who really get past that, they're they're in a different level of the game. And that's why you find out. Yeah, that's why you find out some people who are at that level of the game, they don't really want to hear anything from people unless they really know that. Those are those married people you cannot talk to unless you talk to other married people who've been through the same thing. That's that club is exclusive. I'm sorry, I hate to say it. I know that sounds whack, but it's true. It should be the work. Yeah, it's serious, but but to take it back to the actual point at hand, if they're able to get through that with all that they already have, and it seems like she has other relationships and mistakes that she can reflect on that she's learned from. Girl. She all right, yeah, and he's willing, girl, right, did you hear that? Ladies? Willing? Willing, willing? That that counts so much if you have a partner that you're not, you know, experiencing the best sex with, if they're not willing to hear you, if they're going to internalize it and and uh, you know, become depressed about it or anything, or not want to be with you anymore. I can't satisfy you, so I might as well, you know, you could we be in our feelings. I was at my feelings when you said, I thought I was doing my thing what you mean. And honestly, like when I'm on when I'm on the people social media and the men are going off, you know a lot the ones, the ones that seem to be the most bitter, are the ones that seemed to be able to have experiences with women where they can't tell them like yo, that wasn't so you know, and then that and it leads them down to kind of a toxic path. So I'm just saying, sometimes you come in contact with a guy who got everything to say out of his mouth a lot of times. It's because he wasn't able, not a lot of now all the time sometimes because he wasn't able to express that to a woman who was being able to receive it and taking that moment Asia to be that woman to be like, hold up, okay, dad about me? Oh this is okay, Well that that it about me moment. I'm just saying, that's that's a whole like maturation evolved. Yeah. I really feel like that's true because, especially if you're a woman who's sexually self aware, you worked hard to get to that place, okay, because there wasn't nobody trying to tell you nothing but keep your legs closed. So you know, by the time you figure it out what you see these medals in my you're like, sir, what are you saying? Well, shoutouts to Joyce Alice that's my mother, and Annie Lauren that's my auntie, and I Shirley, because they clued me in on a lot of things that I was supposed to get in this sexual existence. So I really appreciate that's a blessing if you have elder women talking to you about sex. Because listen, Black, because Blue wasn't having those conversations with her daughter. God was not talking about sex and sexuality with her daughters, so her daughter made sure to tell her daughter. And I happen to be that daughter. So I mean the conversation with my mother about sex, But I'm just talking about like some of the finer points, Like my mom was real easy to talk to about the beginnings, when we started talking about pleasure, you start talking about that kind of stuff. Those are just not conversations that I had with my mother till I was already married, you know. And my my nana said certain things to me that I'm grateful to this day that she felt open enough to say to me. But y'all, I'm just talking about some of the most intense and informative conversations I've had about sex, where things I was exchanging with my girlfriends about their experiences versus mine, or what is this cool to do? Or is that cool to do? Or how did you do this? Or did you ever do so and so or blah blah blah blah. Those are all things that happened with my girlfriends. And I feel like it was just a late conversation, you know what I mean. And I'm and and that's me being a woman who I feel like we're more likely to talk about that stuff, whereas men ain't gonna talk about that, and definitely when it comes to actually women, and I really feel bad for folks who are l G B t Q and don't have friends or family members who are also, so when they start talking about sex, they ain't talking to nobody in their families unless they're just lucky like that, and they need to because depending on what we're talking about, sex is different. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Different, it's different. It's different. You got you have to have a mentor somewhere. You got to have somebody to talk to you about the things and that, and I mean most things. If you're learning how to cook, you need an auntie or a cousin or uncle or grandpa, somebody to say, hey, baby, don't put the flower in there. Yeah, you need somebody to tell you how to do the things. We're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back. When should somebody get that conversation, the pleasure of conversation, I think as soon as they hit puberty, because it's a puberty, not eighteen that's left puberty because it's coming, because do you really think it's interesting? I'm like, so, how how young should we started enjoying sex? Right? Like? So, I mean not for nothing. I found my orgasm by myself before I even started having sex. That's just a whole masturbation thing that I learned. But my question is, like, shouldn't there be like an evolution to it. I'm not saying that it shouldn't be enjoyable, but like, you gotta find your orgasm the second time that you had sex used as a team, Like that's what we're doing, Like you just deserve the funds the orgasm the second time we have sex as a teenager. I don't know the answer. That's why I was asking y'all holes, because I know joking, no, But my thing is this. I know it shouldn't be thirty because I knew some chicks at thirty that had the video. I saw a video of an auntie showing her nieces who looked to be anywhere between sixteen and eighteen or nineteen, how to ride, and it was on Instagram, like she was they looked between sixteen and eighteen, maybe maybe nineteen, just showing me how to ride it's still not your No, no, that's wrong, no, because you're still not learning how to enjoy yourself. You just learning how to ride. Because some some sex, particularly today's, is very performative. It's for the show. It's not for the feeling, right, Okay, So just so you know that kid, kids even and a lot of tricks that actually don't provide pleasure at all, just for the show. Was before you go to college, I say, as soon as you had see those pimples coming and about enjoying sex, Jill or just having sex could be about masturbation, though it could be about masturbation, because conversation with my kids about masturbation fairly early. I think it's all the things that comes with with sex and sexuality like a normal it's a normal conversation, you know. I feel like it's hard. The more you know, the better prepared you all. Yeah you know, um, And the more you understand what you want and don't want, the better off you are, don't you think? Also too, it's a mental kind of conversation about how to because I think sometimes it's not even just about the physicality. Sometimes I think it's like people are One of the things I noticed in one of the docks I was watching, is that one of the couples, the one of the people that were involved in relationship was like that they were like a heavy people pleaser, so they couldn't even really ask for what they wanted to because they just were so used to like being a tool for the other person's like pleasure and happiness. And so I think sometimes it's also about mentally, like how you're talking to your young people or even your friends about how they just view their interactions with people they love period, because they're taking all that into the bed room with them. I need to somebody is at the door, you hear me. Well, we're talking about having intimacy for the sake of the other person's pleasure or be because you want to keep the other person around, or because you want the other person to think that you're, you know, some kind of sexual goddess or god or whatever the case makes. But you're not enjoying yourself, You're not being pleased at all. That's toxic, friends, It's only toxic. That's not even good sex. You're you're you're you're providing a service. But there is somebody now where you can be that and still you know, know how what it takes because it means something different for everybody. So maybe somebody gets off on pleasure and another person for someone else. I need mine, and then I'm gonna get mine. Period. There's that next level. Because I was thinking about agents saying you start with masturbation, Yes, too, but it's the end of this lesson to kind of like I don't know about job, but there's this moment of orgasm that if you're with somebody too that you're like really into and you love them on some levels that you can't even explain, that orgasm just can turn into what is going on? And I'm crying why And now I'm like that of your house. Well no, I mean that too. But just those those crying orgasms, like those to me, those are like the super Bowl orgasms, Like people don't even tell you about those. That's it. Yeah, those are like me, it's not even it's not even just it's not the act of the crying orgasm for me, it's the crazy that follows. I have just and I just don't want anyone busting the windows out of nobody's car out of what nobody acted crazy trying to But that's not the crying orgasm then because both people wasn't in it. You wasn't feeling like that person was into you as you are. You know, I'm okay you you didn't, but see you didn't say you're talking about love making? Yeah, different, that's what I'm I was also talking We were talking about being turned out. Yes, I'm talking about that next level orgasm that physically makes you cry because not only does it feel so good in your COUCHI and it's just like a combination of the great sex and the love and there come to tears. Thank you Lord. That's the stuff that I'm like, when you teach a kid, that's what I'm talking about. Like, it's so many levels. You can't teach somebody to feel what they feel. They're You're gonna have to wait where you can tell them that it exists. Oh yeah, Joyce. Alice was like, listen, there is screwing, which is great when you got somebody that know how to screw good and you can screw back and y'all just screwing and that thing feel wonderful. That's fantastic. But there is something called making love and that's completely different. It's spiritual, it's it's connected, it's powerful, it's beyond space and time, you know, And it's not a myth. And it's not a mything. No, you know that those lines when when Beyonce she said something by waking up on the floor, how did we get here? Something like that, like that kind of you know, it's just it's not a myth at all. So I just want to keep saying that over and over again. Making love is not amazing, it's not. But also for those people out there, the exact same thing. And I'm not even romanticizing, I'm just telling you, but I think that honestly, they're gonna be some people out there who like your friends, who may be in love with someone and maybe they've not reached that space yet and that and maybe it's something different for them too, so maybe, you know, I just I don't know. I just feel like sometimes when we describe our personal experiences, I think it's just always good to remember that that's just this is not the same for everybody everywhere. And I don't want to say out or precedent. I mean, I'm just saying they can get there, but they may not get there that same way. You know what I'm saying like we're talking about a moment that we can all kind of relate to when we talked about this in another show that when we think about our our where different women, we all have different perspectives, we have a lot of the similar kind of tastes and similar things that we like and ways that we operate in the world. So when we talk, we are still talking from a very familiar place, and I think there are people have to work a little harder to maintain and to get to that place within their relationship if that's the relationship they want to stay. Ain't easy. I'm not even saying that I want to reiterate again to that it ain't easy. It wasn't again. It wasn't something that I found in the twin US, you know, and mid thirties. I mean, that's that's my point of That was my point about sex too, and the evolution of it and the evolution of knowing your body as well. Like and it's not just it's also not just a hetero thing. I think that's like universal in a way, that feeling that the time is time thing. It's also a time thing. If a tea not kind of benefited from having a lot of time together and time to travel together and be alone. And you know, yet we worked together and everything, but that time alone is really like essential when I look back on it, I don't know if we would have been able to maintain a healthy sex life, particularly with all those children, and we weren't traveling, and we wouldn't didn't have specific types of alone time. And the factor we're singing songs and making records that that part two having a creative outlet, and you're talking about something and that's hot, then maybe you go do that. It's like there's a lot of elements to to that being sustainable for a long time, whereas that may not be the case for somebody else. And particularly talking about people married twenty years, thirty years, like yeah, like you're gonna have some loans in that, particularly if you don't have anything in there to keep that fresh or to keep that moving forward, you know. And so I don't know, I'm just you know, I'm always just trying to think of everybody, because lord, are you right. I got a big fear about that. I gotta fear keeping it fresh after having sex with somebody for twenty years, I really do I have because I want to still enjoy sex. I want to enjoy sex until I'm probably not working walking this earth in my mind because my mom gonna like the word fresh. Sometimes I don't like the word keeping it fresh, So you don't keeping good keeping good keeping it good keeping it because sometimes I don't like the word fresh because it gives us feeling like you're supposed to reinvent the sex or something, or like I think keeping keeping it alive, yes, like alive is better, you know, like a living thing recalculates and recalculates and continues because it has to reset on its own sometimes too. Anyway, because you're different, your body is different, I'm learning. I'm learning from you. You're the only person don't here may have a sex qu I'm gonna give you. No, I'm gonna give you an example for an example, you know, not to tell all my business. Lord, have mercy my husband. Okay, So there's when I got married, I was like a size twelve or something like that, maybe ten and twelve. Perhaps I'm like roughly about a size sixteen now and I had a cesarean. So my body like physically will never look the same in certain places. Well, I don't know, as time has gotten knowing he's deeply like affectionate towards parts of my body that didn't exist before. And so to me, it's like that has turned into a real part of for play, like that part of it, like without I'm trying real hard, and if you're listening, I'm trying hard not to be like totally t am I with these people. But the point is like that part of embracing the body, and it's not just about oh, your body is different than I still love you, I hate that, I still love you. Get out of here. It's it's a it's an embracing of the body that has been that's a part of the love making that didn't exist before. So I'm just saying, like the reinvention is not always this this retooling of things. Sometimes it's just a natural way that your life changes over time, and the love and affection just kind of changes with that, and then sometimes you just oh, well this feels good and blah blah blah blah blah. It's the open, the fluidity of it all. I don't think we've ever had a conversation where we sat down and was just like, so, what new things are we going to do sexually, like and I'm not saying that that wasn't something that wouldn't be cool, but you know, I gotta vouch for the sex. The sex has been good and consistent, and it's like, okay, we didn't have to go, you know, find a book of positions and say, you know, pick one. You know what I'm saying, like, I don't know he knows my body. Yeah, and it's past it's past your body. I mean, it's your body, absolutely, but it's beyond that, you know, it's not just it's the all. We'll be back after the break. My love language is fixing ship around the house like that's that's that's that you're talking to good talk to me. And I didn't have to ask you to do nothing. And you went and you you organized or you you went to the home depot talking talking, you talk, get my talking. You're talking my talking. You mean you're going to be a benefit wherever you can benefit my life. Keep on adding. You're just gonna add to my life. That's what you're just going to add and add and add. That is something to do that. Thank you kindly. I love that. That is that's how you talk to me. I don't. I don't need a bunch of jewelry. I don't need a new bag. I don't need that. I mean, that's nice at all, but that's not what I need. What I need is for you to care about the home that we're in. I need you to to to participate in the life that we're creating, you know, outside of business or and outside of you know, um my station or whatever. I need you to participate. That thing is sex. Caring for you is a term of that, and that can change a situation where and I've actually seen this in marriage, is where the sex is actually really good, but they turned off from each other because of the way Mugs is making you feel. Like So it's like again, being care for is a is an ultimate turn on. Being cared for is the ultimate turn on. But I think again, like when you're talking about relationships that have existed for a long time, sometimes the freshness is just about basics. It's things like, I don't know, like looking at each other, like just looking at somebody for a minute before you kissed them, before you take your clothes off. Some kinds of intimacy are just extremely simple, and they just are things we forget to do or don't do? That to me, is is staying in touch with some of the things that just keep you connected and feeling cared for and seen is the sexiest stuff ever. Like, you know what I'm saying, He did that the other day. When you stare and you you tell me why and yeah, I'm still learned at you because you're beautiful. Huh Okay, Yeah, I thought you were staring at me because something was out of particularly like him that I'm beautiful when you're not looking in my face, you little freak. See the freak just it's random and it happened. It'll hit you. You all are missing the dance. There's a dance involved with this one. You like He told you beautiful from the back of it, said that I did. I like it. I like it someone we're not shy. Listen. What I was getting to any way, um when I when I mentioned my friend in this situation, is that, you know, it's a lot of people I'm watching TV shows. They've got like ninety day fiance, you know, bachelor, wette, Bachelor. It seems to me like a lot of people are looking for you know, quote unquote marriage. They're looking for a partnership, a relationship partner where they can I hate to build their empire, you know, but but build from you know there, that's what they're looking for. And you know, having listening to this situation, UM, and I really feel like, please don't, please don't blow this, Please don't. Yeah, You've got a wonderful human being that truly enjoys and your affection and and um is helpful. Like the coolest ship. It's like a second, don't get out a way, don't blow this because the next she don't know what she got. Maybe, just maybe not. He could be one of those brothers that's just out here in the world, just with all that to give and nobody to you know, have pain here work like that. Just I'm not saying I'm not I'm not talking about like, oh, we gotta do for you, say you the black man, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that. I wasn't even being specific about a black man either. So just because it's just that, yeah, yeah, this is across the board for everybody that if you're if you hate ah Man twenty ship, I mean, but are now that's not no, we're not doing that. That's not a good. You know, I think I think it is. I think it's really somebody can absolutely give up. Um, I think that's probably the best thing that I've heard out of you know, the particular you know film. I love that line, you know where yeah, you've really giving up or something awesome for something that cannot sustain you can't, you know. And I'm I'm like, if you're looking for partnership, then you have to be willing in my opinion, you know, as a two time before say what do I know? I'm just looking at the stats of the whole thing, and I'm like, you have to be willing to work with someone. Huh. You have to be able to work with someone if they've got all of these awesome qualities that you really enjoy, you know, whether it's a biting sense of humor or you know, the capacity to organize a closet or whatever they can do. I don't know what they can do. But it's the thing that is your love language and it works for you. It lights up your life, It makes you feel validated. Scene seen. How about seeing And there's a thing that's not you know, exactly joking and that personal people who think a lot of people don't funk this up, homie, don't do I think more people are more likely to stay than they are to leave. I think you definitely have folks that are like, yeah, I can't if it's not this, this, and this, I don't want it. But I actually think many people That's why I feel like, at the end of the day, it's really more so about knowing yourself, being really honest with yourself, because yeah, you're gonna have to work with whomever, because somebody's working with you. Everybody's just about to say, what makes you think I was just I was, what make you think you're not getting getting worked with? Somebody's got to be exactly Probably all of the pain that she went through before she probably reship. But what I'm saying, So what I'm saying, you know, the thing is to know yourself because like, if you're clear on what your boundaries are, then it's not necessarily a that you need to work with that person. Is that are you capable of working on that thing that they need you to work on, or is that something that's a deal breaker for you. You got to be clear on what your deal breakers are. If you're not, then you'll find yourself settling in a situation that is settling. You'll be settling in a situation that you really can't deal with. All in the name of Oh, everyone's not perfect, Like you know, nobody's perfect. But is that thing that they have going on? Is that mention with what you want for yourself and your life? Somebody roll that back. I need, I need claps and I need some kind of cheers because that there, it is there, It is there, It is My girlfriend, Kim Mitchell said, I have the right to choose the issues I can deal because everybody's got issues, don't don't We all have don't we all have issues. Whether it's that day that your dad didn't come pick you a girl, you know, for the school and he promised, you know what, It's that time that you know, um, your your girl down the street was holding hands with you who you thought was your boyfriend. You know what I mean? Like whatever, remind me quick, he only got like two, but he'll bring them same to up every time. Don't get it twisted. This you got trauma to go right, I'll be like, but that's the same one from before. I don't care. That's it. It's it's real. Somebody tolerating you. In the world, someone is tolerating your cry and dealing with your jump you here, so important is important that part right there, that somebody is tolerating you. But for some of us who are in our heads about the toleration that our partners are going through, we should also acknowledge that like they tolerate in you because because you dope and they love you too, it ain't you ain't just in there to be to and you ain't nothing to be tolerated. Because I have to remind myself of that. Yeah, you ain't nothing to just be tolerated. Amen, you're pretty, you knowalthy sense of start right, you got a good job, You've got some money, but it could be some things. You got some ship with you too. We got some ship with us, feel me, I know. And that's the thing is that the relationship, that's why I was centering the relationship instead of center in the self is where most people just go wrong because and I mean this for men and women, because at the end of the day, you have to have a real good sense of your own like awareness of yourself, and awareness doesn't mean only positive awareness is also clear on the things you need to work on and the things that are difficult for other people to interact with sometimes. So those that's just you know, I even give it to myself, like that whole not being able to say no, not being able to create boundaries, like all those kinds of things. You think you're only hurting yourself by making a decision like that. Oh no, no no no no no no no no no no. Those are things that trip that that trickle out to your mate, to your family. So even something as simple as an issue that you think you have that only affects you, No, it doesn't. It affects everybody around you, and particularly a person who you love who's watching you do it. Yeah, you know, word of up. It's a thing growing up some bullshit. I think we spend a lot of time looking at the list, you know, all the qualities that we want, all the things I'm going with, things that we want somebody to possess. And I think it's really time, this is all. I think it's really time to start looking at instead of the things that you want someone to possess, to really look at the kind of character traits you want them to have. Because I'm listening to my my nieces and they're like, oh, you know, I want him to have this kind of money, this kind of card, this kind of dick, this kind of you know, lifestyle, this kind of you know, all the things. And I really truly believe that it's it's more about the kind of character of the character of the person that you want to be with. You know, is this somebody that's loyal. Hopefully you grow into that because you're that's a big one learner and a person who was no, no, no, I mean my nieces my worldwide. Yes. Then when I say I don't even have personally any nieces, you have to say, you have to say, you have to put you have to put a says nieces for all the needs. Yeah, and we'll also allow you a little grace as yeah, because when maybe that's what you think, is how anyway, because that's all you know, But okay, we're gonna give you that. But that's gonna have to change the same thing. Someone it's willing to learn, right, because maybe you might have found Mr. Or Mrs Perfect at twenty five years old, but is that the same person I mean that you want to be with, you know, when you're forty five years old, If they haven't grown, if they haven't changed, if they haven't you know, shape shift in a way. You know that that stuff is important. You know, when you're writing this list of what you want out of your life or what you want out of your relationships, do that, do that too, you know, make sure you add those character traits you know that that you really want um and make a list for yourself too. Well. Yeah, because it's called what is it called manifesting, like manifestations. That's a new girl word. How y'all know? I told you all before I wrote and put it on my pillow like this last the break up, before this relationship right here, I was like, I'm gonna learn and I'm gonna really figure out, and I'm gonna say some things out loud, like you got to you really got to do that ship, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that later on a day. I can't say clearly that everything that I asked for. I took a long time trying not to cry. I took a long time writing this, Uh this, I guess a list of what I wanted and what I hoped for myself with all the love that I could possibly have for myself what I wanted, and not only did my partner show up, but far seeds any expectation that I could have. Like I think I mentioned to you before that my dream growing up in North Philly that to have a brown stone, you know, on Spring Guarden. That's all I wanted. That's the biggest dream I had was to have a brown stone on Spring Garden Street in Philadelphia. Sure, and I think I'm trying to get at what is for you is more than likely bigger than the dreams that you have for yourself, because you don't know. You have no capacity how broad the strokes are and how rich the colors are, You have no capacity. What you have to do is be genuine to yourself, be honest with yourself m hm, walk away from things that don't benefit you. Things and people and amazing things show up in your life. Amazing people show up in your life. And I just my goal is to be more loving to this wonderful person that is that has come into my life. I'm very very happy, very satisfied, very pleased, and I'm enjoying the work. The work is fun. The work is so fun. Yeah, So just when it's like a fun work, we like a fun word. I'll take the fun word. It's a first DV that the toiling and it's not wend put that down on your list, that the work be fun. I like it work be enjoyable. I actually have a actually have a friend who's been married I want to say, like seven or eight years, something like that, and he every year on the anniversary, he writes this, and I think it's beautiful. He writes, he said, everyone told us all relationships are work, their work, their work, and he was like, talk to his wife. He said, honestly, it's really not that hard loving you. Is that what work were people talking about? And I love that he said this, because I do want us to to contextualized work in a way that feels like it serves you and that it doesn't drain you. It's the work is a thing that should feel like an accomplishment. It should feel like something that's fulfiling and purposeful. Even if it's challenging to you, it's still should have a sense that this is for a greater creation of a thing and that you feel invested in that creation. So I think that's important. I mean, I'm talking about it like it's freaking hall and bricks. It's not that they won't have a hall break day. You might have a hall break day. All. I'm just saying for the person who's been married one thousand years on this podcast, some days it's all and break. I'm sorry. I hate to break it. But yes, sometimes it's all in a break or two. But the overall this shouldn't be that way. Amen. Amen, Wow, it don't stop, friends, It don't stop. Yeah, feel me, it don't stop. Just uh. As a poet I know once wrote, um, if you loved and lost, do you stop loving? If you have a nightmare, do you stop dreaming? Huh? Yeah? Yeah, love is Love is the gift friends, Maybe not the only mission, but damn sure high up there, sure make the orgasm better. I'm just saying m. On that note, thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Il the podcast. You are loved over here. We want you to win. How do you Eat an Elephant? One by it time high listeners. In today's episode, the ladies get into how to talk to your romantic partner about sex and pleasure. This can be a pretty big elephant to eat for so many of us having the language to talk through our desires is a great place to start. So how well do you know your own body? Asia brought up the size of a woman's clitteress and just how expansive it is now. She learned this from a Netflix documentary called Principles of Pleasure, so we definitely recommend that you give that documentary a watch. I also want to share an article with you from The Guardian that breaks down seven tips such as timing, tone and how to explain what you like and don't like. I'll draw out the link to both of these resources in the show notes. Hi, if you have comments on something we said in this episode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill the podcast. Hi, this is Amber, the producer of j dot Ill, and I just thought that I had while um listening to the conversation. Is I wonder how tied up chills friends enjoyment of sex is to toxicity Since this person has such a lack of toxicity and she's used to like toxic personalities and good sex going hand in hand. How her body is responding to somebody who doesn't have as much toxicity as if that's not something she's used to in romantic relationships, if that's affecting how good the sex is, Like is he really not good? Or is her body not able to respond because it's not getting in the same triggers that I used to before rocking back? And so little food for thought, thought, a lot of thought. Oh the release. J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.