July 7, 2021
Wives in Different Area Codes
Some women want a husband, but every woman needs a wife.
Call 866-HEY-JILL and leave us a message with your comments on this episode!
Resources:
You and Me Will Never Part: A Study of Black Women's Best Friendships by Tamica Shambly
According to Science, Your Girl Squad Can Help You Release More Oxytocin
The Communication of Solidarity in Friendships Among African American Women
Playing With Dialectics: Black Female Friendship Groups as a Homeplace
Female Friends Are More Important Than You Realized. Here's Why.
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00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im, a production of I Heart Radio. Hey what's up everybody? This is Jill Scott. You are listening to Jay dot Ill with myself and my cohorts. Oh that's me. I think that's me ya, and that's also me. That would be Agia Gray Danceler. Full government in the house, commit a crime according to jail, let's go, cohorts, hoorts. What was it that we wanted? We didn't want? We wanted accomplices? Oh, accies committing work. That's what I'm going to say from now on, my accomplices. It feels like the work is important, yea, and not legal and legal ship these loans and how you perceive things. You're gonna talk about a whole different other side of the truth. We're going to talk about having a wife. We were talking a few minutes ago, and what we discovered is that us women, some women want a husband, but everybody needs a wife. Now this just blew me away. I'm sitting here. What is this? What is this emotion with head flying off? What? What? Because because the concept of a wife, you know, is that nurturing, loving, caring, sensitive, thoughtful, helpful, you know, all of those, all of the stuff was supposed to be the stuff that a wife is supposed to be. And I want that too. Why I can't have a wife something to eat and tell me I'm wonderful when I'm barely ship, come in. We're not looking for a housekeeper. We're not looking for a nanny. A wife and not just a girlfriendship because you know, it's more responsibility with the wife. Ay, yes, listen, here, here's here's this, here's the start off. It's already sad. It's already sad because the entire definition of wife them feel like servitude to begin already, here comes at miss Asia with a lasson. First of all, I just at I'm gonna say the whole I'm just I'm not gonna go there right now, because we just we just thought about what I'm saying is it's already sad when we think in our minds. You think the word wife, and if he was to write down ten words, most of those words are words that have to do with service, right, yeah, service of some sort. Right. So not that service is a bad thing. Service is a beautiful thing to which all humans should surrender some part of their being to service. However, I always find it so interesting. You say everybody's wife. Yes, everyone needs someone to feel happy, to impart some sort of service on them. It's just unfortunate that that has to be associated with that's already said. But I'll tell you I want one. I still want one man, I still want Yeah. We discovered too that all of us have a wife. We do. We have a wife. I love my wife. I got two wives the whole. You're a wealthy woman, a girl. Everybody can't give you everything, and that is something that I learned from you. Asia. You have said that enough that that has registered in my spirit with currently with the man that I am enjoying. Realizing that he cannot be everything to me is absolutely what he is. And and as time goes, you know the growth hopefully you know. Or I don't have any pressure in my spirit. There's no pressure. I'm just like I said, I'm rebuked. I rebuked the spirit of pressure. That spirit. I'm not interested in in in pressure in any way, shape or form. Uh. I like people to be an expert at being themselves. But go ahead, I'm scott ring. I have a sister. No she's not my biological sister, but she's always been a big sister to me. She's a couple of years older than me. We went to the same high school, and she's she's she's always been a big sister. So she she's like the person that looked out for me when I was fourteen and just coming to girls high school. You know, she was the one that showed me where the classes were, and showed me, you know, how to get the lunch, and showed me, you know, and took me to the college parties, and it showed me how to put on eyeliner, you know, all of this stuff. Years later, she is my parenting partner, your wife. She has transition and can you just define that? How did she transition from you know, a sister to a wife in that way? Because because now we lived together, so it's a part of you know, what what are we making for dinner? What what are we having for dinner tonight? What is the whole process of our home? She gardens. I love that ship. She's playing it something. I'm like, you look at my basis. That's my wife, girl. Do that? I love it. I go out, I make the money. I tell her, I say, hey, listen, we need some flora expert to come by and come look at this wood in this one area. So I got it, and then they come and then look at it. When I get back, she tells me all about it. She calls me, it's this great. She don't just make a decision and just roll with it. This whole great symbiotic relate. Let me stop dragging my whole We we get stuff done. We get stuff done. We get it done, and we get it done together, and it's awesome. And I bet you know when you need your space. I bet you know when you need your space. I bet you, Oh my god. Not only she does things like, uh, we're gonna go. We're gonna go grab some pizza. You take a nap in the back to renegotiate with my wife. My wife lives with me. You might need to add a wife because you got that you want her. I've been saying this for years and to actually have it is just out of control. I want her to be happy. God knows I want her to be happy, but I don't want her to leave. He's like, I don't want her to leave. Like, okay, So you you know, if you ever, you know, take the time and date somebody, and you know, if you enjoy maybe he should live here. Maybe I hope to because I don't feel like, don't leave a girl, don't leave me. I had to tell it's funny. I had to tell my man one day because he said to me, and this is this goes really, I mean, I go from funny this series. But he said to me, um, we were in Long Beach now, just for reference, I live in l A. Long Beaches, like forty five minutes away. Long Beach is nice and it's cheaper, right, So we're there and he's like, man, bag, you should think about getting the place here, and blah blah blah. And I had to break down to him. I said, you know, I don't have my people here. You gotta understand, as a single lady, you have to at least have And now I know the name the reference a wife close to you. Like when I moved to my place here now in Hollywood, I knew that my wife's Kadija lived uh five minutes away, so she could get here if I needed her too. She could water my plants when I'm away, she could do these kind of things. I don't have a wife and Long Beach there for you know what I'm saying. And I'm just it's just it's it's a day of appreciation of your wife. I would just like to shout out to my wife's Candija, who also bought me my new Martha Stewart yellow roaster um. And it sometimes when she's on the Target website and she sees a good onesie, she'll just buy it for me because she knows my size and she knows what I like. That's what my wife thoughts. I'm just I don't know whatevery. I just, you know, kind of well, let me let me this is my let me go ahead and chime in. Okay, considering that my lifestyle, um that I have, first of all a husband, right and I have six children, that means I require a little bit more than a single wife, because that's there's so much more being drained from my person on a daily That's why I have to I might even I'm thinking about somebody else and I'm like, I don't know, she's it's a lot that The point is, it requires a lot of support. Do you hear what I'm saying? So, I mean, I would have to say it does. It just ranges one of the wonderful things that that one of my wives did for me recently. Was she knew that I had been stuck in this house during quarantine and with all of these p people. Okay, she was like, she was like, she was like, girl, first of all, let me go ahead and take this hotel resipe. Baby, go over there for two days and don't answer your phone for these people. Okay, you go over there for two days. You've been you've been in there. You've been staring in these people's eyes for nine months, okay, every day for nine months. She says, So I need you. I need you to go ahead take a little break. Okay, yeah, yeah, so yeah, any number of different things like, oh, do you need a resource? Oh here, get this resource. Here, girl, take this, take that you need to do it. Quarantine happened. I wasn't on the road. My wife called me and said, um, yeah, I got a business and I need a consultant. Let'm just gonna give you this job. Oh if my wife did that for me, she hit me a job. She got me a job. Girl, Yeah, my wife, So I don't want the job. I don't want the job. Let me tell you I didn't have no job, so she knew I had needed one. So you know what I'm saying. They would picked up, they would pick up an extra shirt, that the extra outfit you you out of ear rings, what you need, Yes, you know what, cookies, cookies just show up at the door, pie, you know, all kinds of wonderful things. But you know, it's interesting because for me, I realized that in a marriage for women, it could just be and I had this conversation with y'all before, it could just be so much extra labor. And the labor of it all is, you know what, it has to be replenished. You just can't walk around constantly putting that type of labor in all of the time and have no replenishment. And so unfortunately, on the other side of things, the replenishment comes from the care and nurturing of the wife in many instances, you know what I'm saying. And so we're trying to get you know, the other people, the men in your life or the other people in your life, even if you currently have a wife, right, But she ain't really got that. She understood that the finer points, I know, some of them building us to like, I got a wife, but I need that ain't popping off. You know what I'm saying, you know, and but I think its roles. But really what it really boils down to and and me and Jill talked about this is just that you, just like she said, you can't get everything from everybody, and that your partner is not going to be able to always understand how to think of you before you don't think of you first or be concerned with your needs, and you're not always going to know or be able to do that either. In theory, I think it's it all is great. You think, oh, yeah, now I have to think about myself. But that's even some labor in and of itself to have to constantly remind your own self to show Sometimes you just need your down. Sometimes you just down, your levels are low, and you need somebody to come in there and say, hey, I'm thinking of you. Did you are you tired? Um? Can I help you? What are you struggling with right now? What are you feeling? And it's not always going to be the partner. It's not always gonna be that partner. My wife has a wife, it ain't me, oh ha ha ha, because she needs a wife. Wife, she needs a wife to handle you. I'm sure that's right. It's a very she needs a wife. Yes, yes, I don't. I don't going for months at a time exactly. I'm going for months at a time, and I'm doing what I'm doing, and I know, like the people that love me know that when I'm working, I get really really focused so that I can get it done. It takes everything, It takes everything. And the older I get, the more it takes to complete the task, the payment is higher. I'll put it to you like that. The payment is hired to get things done. And she she checks in. She well, first of all, she definitely takes care of my son in my absence, so our boys. Very odd thing. Like I said, she's not my biological sister, but her father and my son's father father, my son's grandfather and her father are cousins. My our children are second cousins. They're related. Why we didn't know that until I can't remember her my my sisters, what she's I can't remember her aunt's name right now. But she was like, oh, that's all you know, how black folks, that's all, that's all, Johnny brother. I didn't hear that now that yeah, the cousins, cousin you know, just explaining you how it happened. See people say stuff like by marriage someone someone logical that, which is so crazy to me, Like who could write that I meant to be? Like we're meant to be sisters. She's meant to be you know. I hope she doesn't take that wrong. We call her my my wife. But that's how I feel. I really feel like it is a compliment. But let me say this, it is a compliment. Some people are gonna be caught up in the language we're using today, and in this moment, I wanna at least say that what is being said is that support. It's something that you have to curate for yourself. You know what I'm saying. And if I'm wrong, y'all jump in there. But I'm thinking. I'm thinking that the core of this conversation is about what does it take to support your well being and to think creatively and acknowledge those people who are able to meet those needs with the importance that they should have, and to acknowledge that it's necessary for your well being. It's like it's necessary and that everyone needs that necessary interaction from some one or group of people, and typically it's going to have to be a group of people. It's gonna have to at least be two people, gonna have to at least be too. And the reason why I think I have a receipt on this is that one thing you will notice is that when any person, male or female is isolated within a marriage or relationship, they tend to not be well mentally. One of those people that I don't have any friends. I don't. I don't have any friends, I don't you know. In fact, it's a tool of abusers. Also, they like to isolate people in relationships because they're less likely to have their needs met. They can get real, you know, they can. They're easily easier to manipulate. Right. So really what we're saying is that it is just support and well being has to be spread out. You have to have folks around you willing to think of you, willing to serve and be in service. And in that way you can also you can be in service. Also, It's like in order for you to be in service, you have to have someone's service in you. It's a communal it's a communal existence. I don't think it's having a wife. It's not like you go out and look for your wife either. They show up like a gift, like a genie in the bottle herd. Who's gonna be what? Open like, Okay, I'm right here for you. I want you to be a great mom, and I want you to have a successful business, and i want you to have a happy relationship, and I want everything that's good for you to have. I want you to have all of those things. I'm here to assist, you know, And that's that's incredible. It's like an angel, a angel. Sometimes you make a little path with your wife. If y'all just both happen to be single that and you know forty years, y'all just get that house together and then continue this relationship. I made a pack with my wife that that is not something we will be doing. I'm like, I'm not. I'm already allergic to dogs, Like we're not going to have you know. I have my my niece dog because she is a she has a dog. And my niece dog got me last night. She she has to have a certain amount of wash because she has oil in her hair. She has hair, and I love her to pieces, but she got me last night when she were just laying watching the movie. My whole neck blew up. I was like, uh, are you saying you don't want to be older with dogs? That what you mean? Like living? I don't want to be older with a bunch of dogs, and I don't want to be older with a bunch of cats either. Just you be you and your bitches. You don't gotta be it could be all human beings. You know, my wife loves cats and mostly dogs. My wife loves dogs that still dogs. Yeah, sorry, but that's not That's not what I want to do. But I don't. I told her, and I mean it, you know, after these kids grow up and get out of here, and she don't. She ain't gotta go nowear she ain't got here. I don't. I really don't want her to. I really don't want her to. Maybe one hypo allergenic dog at a time, maybe we'll be right back. I feel like my husband has gotten to the point where he recognizes that he needs he needs the wives. At first, it was just like why who is you on the phone with? Like what are you doing? Like who? What? What? Someone so must have said that to you, someone someone ever, like Litok, honey, let me tell you something, let it happen, Let this be great, because I'm telling you this take the pressure off you. I don't even I don't need you to do X y Z, because guess what that's covered. You gotta embrace embrace the wife, embrace up because she doesn't. She makes things so much easier for you. And I think he's gotten to the point where he starts to really see that that there's a joy, there's an ease factor, right, and that he don't have to take the responsibility for my happiness. And I think sometimes that can be a great big um. Yeah, that's a weight around the neck of your partner to feel responsible for your happiness, you know what I mean. It's one thing to care about you and to be compassionate, But that's like if they missed the mark, then what do they feel about themselves? But when they realize that it's a joint it's a joint venture, then it's like, oh, I missed that, but the wife got it. The word got it. And I've been wife to some people sometime and then disappear for a while and then come back and being wife again. You know, it's like that's a good but that's a good wife because your wife know when to back up and give you room to and she's all. She always there when you need a regardless regardless. But I got a questioned to y'all because all things being fair and equal, but things aren't fair and equal. We know this, right, we know men and women are different. However, is there a space on the opposite side or men and I know we can't say men and their husband and their husband, I don't even know. Let's not even look at words, but just that that position that they would need something similar but gives them different things, you know what I mean? Like, is there I don't know. I think, I think probably yeah, But I feel like men would have to speak on that from a place that's not grounded in the patriarchy. I don't want to hear about needs that you think you have because society says you should have it. I want you to kind of get to know who you are at your core and and then create a support system for those needs, not need not you know what I'm saying. I don't want it to feed no toxic situation, Like I don't think like that my wife feeds my toxicity. No. I guess in a perfect and a perfect world, it would be possibly an elder man who was not affected by, which is, how can that ever be patriarchy or trauma from your situation? That's why be sad for men, because I'm like, men need some type of like emotional wifery in a male type of way coming from a man. And but it just seems so I don't want to say impossible, but such a reach because you gotta find that man who can provide together, all right, they need a brother that can provide that when it's missing, or even let them give them a road map to how to find it for themselves. But who is the super brother? Do you remember on Black Mirror? That means no, no, no, no head of rod. Men need to start befriend and gay men more. Who having having real friendships with gay men? Oh my god, oh my literally you just it's so funny you say that because literally one of my favorite men in my life right now is a former intern of mind who is and the conversations that me and him have about emotions and just being able to be your true self is I mean without feeling, without having all that all that you know, homophone weird, Like, just don't make it weird, bro, Like, just have a real friendship with somebody under who who's having an experience that's different from yours that causes them to have a different level of empathy. Because gay men are not necessarily more woman like, they have more empathy because their experience in life from a marginalized place and I think sexual Yeah, and it has heterosexual men. That's how they benefit from having wives, because they have a person as a certain level of empathy from their position. So I feel like men, you know, and and and and by being be having more intimate relationships with gay men, you have also a person who understands your manhood too, so he understands he has empathy and he had to save the world. Honestly, I've never been able to figure out what on earth homosexuality had to do with masculinity. Doesn't have anything, but and that's my point. Yeah yeah, yeah, right, so yeah, I mean right, never been able to grasp that ship is bro. I'm so dumbfounded, Like that was the that was the easy answer to the hardest question. That's still not easy to make it happen but still provide some type of solution. I mean, I won't said what happens if a straight man is hanging around with with a gay man automatically, you know, the lookie lose and the opinionates, you know, jump in and say, oh, well, I've seen him, so I know. Let me just say this for anybody who's confused about the wives situation. We don't sleep together. We're not We're not intimate in any way except we're intimate in everywhere except physical. She's not into me. I tried, but she's not into me. I'm not her type. I'm just joking, but yes, you're right, Yeah, yeah, my whole face like, you're right. Yeah, we already had this. I just wanted to put it out there that it's not but she's still with me, and yeah, and we're still together. I love me and I love you, know what I mean. But it's the empathy factor, right, And it's like women, women connect at this level of care and service to one another because there's a common sense of what is needed there, you know what I mean, And not every single woman you come in contact with. It's like you said, it's like you wanna be out there looking. It's just your connect with another spirit and it's like, oo, I got you, I got you, And it's funny. I might be reaching on this, but I'm just thinking I'm still stuck in this fucking genius moment that agent just hap. It was genius. It was fucking genius genius. And I'm like, I'm like, it makes me think because you know, a lot of people don't want to have it. I mean, you know what, they're not having uncomfortable conversations. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not scared. I'm saying I would be curious on the back end here men, you know what, you know what they say about that, it's a part too. I know we're gonna do this, We're gonna. I feel like we should do this. But I also was thinking, I was like, huh is that with like Luther Vandross did for the heterosexual man? Like hmm, I'm trying to think of when heterosexual black men do let gay black men in their lives and how they do it. You know what I'm saying, Like when you don't even realize when they're translating something and you don't even realize that you're using this person, is that you know what I mean? Like Luther is a best as a Bethel of the Bethel love making and between you and your in person. Yeah, yeah, come, I'm just I'm just saying in an idea of fun and dancing and and taking down those walls of masculinity. I don't know, I think about like a silvestor, you know what I'm saying, Like, I just think about like breaking down these walls and what you don't even realize. I feel like white supremacy is so strong, white supremacy, white supremacist delusion. Let's put that in there because we're gonna make sure that we're we're saying what it really is is a lie. It makes people so fearful. There's this has got to be a trust factor, and people have got to let go of all the fear. Right and gay men have a fair amount of caution as it comes to having conversation and friendships because it makes sense why they would have been victimized so much. And then you know, but like again, I can't speak for people in their in their particular life and what they feel. I'm not gonna speak for men. I'm not gonna speak for straight men or gay men or whomever. All I can say is this is that that conversation or that connection in order to happen, you would have to have a mutual and equal disdain for white supremacist delusion in order for that to happen, because you have to not give a fuck. Yes, you gotta know exactly who the real enemy is and make sure you leave that outside. That's funny. I'm sorry, but you know that it's funny because I'm just thinking about heterosexual black men and there their white women this, and I'm also thinking about the gay with black men and their white manness, and I'm like, you got you want to break that ship down because everybody ain't listen. I told you before a lot I get where you be coming from. But I'm telling you who people in relationship with has not. I don't want to say nothing to do with certain things, but I'm talking about the way that you view yourself in community with others. How do I view myself in community with others? Now? If I view myself as a certain thing, then I feel uncomfortable in community with other black people, or other women, or other or people from with a different sexual orientation because of how I feel about myself in community with them. So my thing is like this, if I'm married to a white person or I'm in in in in community with and I don't feel that about myself. To me, my issue isn't with you in that relationship. I only have an issue with you in that relationship when you don't understand something about yourself and you bring that hatred for yourself and that misunderstand about who you are into your community with someone outside of your blackness or your womanness or your queerness or whatever. That's that's when it's a problem. But other than that, it's like, do you enjoy life? Just just don't just don't hate yourself here. If you show up as a person who's very self aware, then you can be in love with and partner with whomever you like. If it's toxic, then that's different. And sometimes you don't know if your perception of yourself is toxic. Sometimes that ship is just really the way you see yourself until something happens and that light comes on and you're like, oh wait a minute, well see that. So, if you have a perception of yourself and you grabbed onto the ideas of what society is supposed to be and how you're supposed to be, you're supposed to be you're supposed to graduate from college at twenty two and you're supposed to get married at twenty four and you're supposed to have your first baby at supposed to have three more before you turn thirty two, and you're supposed to dada like when when it all falls down, and typically it does. Whether you've lived that life, if you've lived that life to the letter, you're probably insane right about now. Yes, yep, probably nuts. If you haven't lived that life to hold onto that, you're probably super depressed, you know, or or deeply saddened that you haven't done the things that you were supposed to do. This is this is, this is where we get back to having a wife. A wife you read you from that shackle? How about that? A wife says, whoever you show up as today is fine with me because I love you. Because I love you, Yes, I love you, and I want you to be all of who you are. And that's the that's the that's the joy of having a wife. Yeah, wife, wife, thank you so much for showing up. Shout out to all the wives and sometimes girlfriends. Does you know, sometimes you got some girlfriends in your life, then ain't there as much as the wife. But they still they on their way. They're trying, they're trying a better girlfriend and a wife. That's that's a whole other level. We're talking about the actual spirit of wife, right, so that can drop itself in whomever at any time. That's why we brought up who it would be for men. That's true because that energy, that service energy, that energy of love, that energy of acceptance, of compassion, of thinking forwards, centering somebody's needs and understanding how to jump in there and support all of that. That's what we're talking about. We're just giving it the word wife because that's who we associate these things with. But we're really not married to the word wife, no, unintended. We're just using that word because that's the word society has given us. But who the person we're talking about really is a gift. Okay, Yeah, that way we can make a unisex because the brothers they need a good gift too, And maybe you can go find one the gift in your family at the church with the understanding for for a straight man that not every homosexual man once year. Don't say that, Jill, Yes they do. Are you kidding me? They don't they don't. Oh my god, you are not that fine honey, a tall honey type. Oh you're just not my type, just not my time. How about that that happens a lot. I'm not everybody's type, okay, Beyonce, everybody's but maybe not. You know, but what we're talking about here is not sexual. No, this is not sexual. It's not Take it right on out your mind. We we we. Sex is not on the table in this convo. I can't wait to have I can't wait to have this convo with a what a man? I can't I'm like, I'm still putting a bookmarking this because I know we're gonna come back around. But I really want to talk to men about this, like this concept of of having it a gay man in your life, but not every and not then let's not get a twisted out. Every gay man is in tune with the things that we talked about, but it just seems like they've got a better handle on it than now. Every gay man is not in tune with our perception or our our our particular definition of what is quote unquote femininity, and that femininity is supposedly also equal to nurturing in service, right, Like all of that is, all of that is a problem. The point is that gay men do have a life experience Yeah, that is unique, and it has commentary on manhood that is important for all men to know and understand. And not for nothing. We're forgetting another thing that oftentimes, especially when were talking about black gay men, and I don't want to generalize, but it just seemed like to me and my experience that the black women in their lives are much more accepting. Therefore, the relationship between black heterosexual women and black gay men is just closer. I don't know, it just feels like that, Like it just feels like, well, the double marginalized tend to connect. Yeah, I don't care who you are. If you got if you got a two fer, you usually you usually understand that that's that's true. More real talk after the break. Okay, So there's another level. Then there's also something. I don't know if there's anybody else out here who's experienced this, but I know, but I have. I have no other choice. I don't know what else to call it except a coven. Anybody else have a coven? Oh? Well, Asian, you got one of those? Well, my I have four daughters, so I've raised a coven. Yes, my coven, the four of um three other sisters represent East South Northwest. We would get together and we would talk about witches, witches equate. Typically you think about a cultor when you think of witches. Um Jed has asked me on multiple occasions if his grandmother was a witch, and I was like yes. He asked me if if I was a witch. I was like yes. You know, I think that you know, there's a negativity associated with being a witch that you know, it's just not fair. Which they know their herbs, you know, I mean, they helped give birth to babies, they cure rectile problems and stuff. I mean it's a word invented by by men who needed to be to put these powerful women into a smaller space and of reason to kill them. And the reason why is there a witch doctor? You know what I mean, Like there's a reason to okay doctor because it's her right, but the power for women who were there to assist. Why wouldn't Why wouldn't we learn about the earth and the herbs and why wouldn't it I mean, that doesn't even make sense to not learn about where you're living. So Um I had a coving and never anything negative, never, not one time. We all believe in the in the Creator, always but we would get together and talk about the things that we wanted in our lives, and those things would show up blaringly. We had to be very mindful of the words that we spoke in each other's presence because it would show, Uh, I want to come to y'all. Coving. I got some things. We were kind of party ways a little bit, yeah, But I mean the covering is powerful, more powerful together than a podcast. I know, I know, I know, I know. I always called my daughters the coving because that's where the gods. They seem like they'd be bound together against that little your son, like they're gonna poor thing. I'd be like the coven gonna get him, because they once one started talking bad to him, they all they are not talking a back. Yeah girl, that he that that little one. He goes through it with them girls. But see he's the youngest boy in the household full of sisters, so he's gonna be strong. Don't get it wrong, don't get me, don't get it twisted. He's gonna be strong when it's all said and done. But I always tease them and call them that because I'd be like, y'all need to calm down and ease up on a child. Boy. He had not quick as y'all. He ain't gonna be quick as y'all. Y'all gotta calm down with that him. But I feel I feel like the connections that I have with y'all, and I've spoken about this multiple times, the women in my life as a unit are forced to be reckoned with and they bring so much love and light to my life that I am convinced that this is an essential part of being a well and healthy woman is having women in your life and whatever capacity, whether it's one or it's five, I think it's very important to have that group or at least that other who is there to like, present that that extra boost of energy. I don't I can't explain why it's that way. I wish somebody would do a Somebody do that. Hey, if you're listening and you did your pH d work, or women in their power and how they connect with one another, or women in friendships or women in intimate you know, friendships and closeness, please come on show and tell ye honey if you do, he said, if you've done the work, we want to talk through you because we want to know about it. We want to know about wives and colins and all that ship because I bet you with some science. I bet you with some science when when more than one of us, when we get together, our cycles become one. Look at it. Come on, this is this is this is not here say and then I'm time with some women and your cycles will become the same. How are you gonna change my cycle? How you gonna do that? It's it's a very very powerful thing. And it's it's not some flinty you know, some old uh oh, some what do you call it? Backpack conversation. It's not you gotta cover and it ain't that he be morning, calm down, you go to church on Sunday and none of those things. Stop it, stop it, stop it. If you gotta cover, and you've got something wonderful, if you've got good girlfriends in your life that that will be honest what you can tell you when you light skin, that's all. And if you've got a wife that'll that will love you through your delusion. You get to the other side. Um and also bring you fuzzy SoCs and maybe you know some tea and a good cry or are you from something from target? If you need you know you know that's right, that's right, or or send you on a little trippity trip because you know, help you stay with your man. You know you are, you are a blessed person. You are you are. Don't forget it. Don't forget it. Love y'all, we'll talk to you later. Fine, how do you eat an elephant? One by a time? Hey, hey, everybody, it's producer Eaves here. I'll drop some links to articles on close nurturing friendships between women in the episode description. But your best resource here will probably be the people in your life, the wife angels. And if you don't have any in your life, is that something you need ned and can you find it? Give us some thought, and like Aga said, if you've done research on women and friendships or platonic intimacy, let us know. Send us your books and papers. All right, y'all, see you next week. Hi, if you have comments on something you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey ju, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents J dot Il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laya st Clair, and Age A Great and Danceler. It's executive producer or Jill Scott, Shawn Ji and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Laya st Clair and me Eve Jeff Coke. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. And then and then I looked at the belly of my own it was like, oh, ship, just like Spitch. I had that delusion too. I didn't even gonna lie to you because my mother and my mother's side of film is very very light, and so I always felt like the brownie and my family. So that's that was my perception of myself. And it's it's funny to other people. They think it's funny. Best friend shout out to Kim. She says, Yeah, I didn't want to tell you how didn't say stuff like light skips always talking about you're talking about yo. I'm gonna tell you I didn't know. I didn't know, So I apologize. Gizz and No. J dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im, a production of I Heart Radio. Hey what's up everybody? This is Jill Scott. You are listening to Jay dot Ill with myself and my cohorts. Oh that's me. I think that's me ya, and that's also me. That would be Agia Gray Danceler. Full government in the house, commit a crime according to jail, let's go, cohorts, hoorts. What was it that we wanted? We didn't want? We wanted accomplices? Oh, accies committing work. That's what I'm going to say from now on, my accomplices. It feels like the work is important, yea, and not legal and legal ship these loans and how you perceive things. You're gonna talk about a whole different other side of the truth. We're going to talk about having a wife. We were talking a few minutes ago, and what we discovered is that us women, some women want a husband, but everybody needs a wife. Now this just blew me away. I'm sitting here. What is this? What is this emotion with head flying off? What? What? Because because the concept of a wife, you know, is that nurturing, loving, caring, sensitive, thoughtful, helpful, you know, all of those, all of the stuff was supposed to be the stuff that a wife is supposed to be. And I want that too. Why I can't have a wife something to eat and tell me I'm wonderful when I'm barely ship, come in. We're not looking for a housekeeper. We're not looking for a nanny. A wife and not just a girlfriendship because you know, it's more responsibility with the wife. Ay, yes, listen, here, here's here's this, here's the start off. It's already sad. It's already sad because the entire definition of wife them feel like servitude to begin already, here comes at miss Asia with a lasson. First of all, I just at I'm gonna say the whole I'm just I'm not gonna go there right now, because we just we just thought about what I'm saying is it's already sad when we think in our minds. You think the word wife, and if he was to write down ten words, most of those words are words that have to do with service, right, yeah, service of some sort. Right. So not that service is a bad thing. Service is a beautiful thing to which all humans should surrender some part of their being to service. However, I always find it so interesting. You say everybody's wife. Yes, everyone needs someone to feel happy, to impart some sort of service on them. It's just unfortunate that that has to be associated with that's already said. But I'll tell you I want one. I still want one man, I still want Yeah. We discovered too that all of us have a wife. We do. We have a wife. I love my wife. I got two wives the whole. You're a wealthy woman, a girl. Everybody can't give you everything, and that is something that I learned from you. Asia. You have said that enough that that has registered in my spirit with currently with the man that I am enjoying. Realizing that he cannot be everything to me is absolutely what he is. And and as time goes, you know the growth hopefully you know. Or I don't have any pressure in my spirit. There's no pressure. I'm just like I said, I'm rebuked. I rebuked the spirit of pressure. That spirit. I'm not interested in in in pressure in any way, shape or form. Uh. I like people to be an expert at being themselves. But go ahead, I'm scott ring. I have a sister. No she's not my biological sister, but she's always been a big sister to me. She's a couple of years older than me. We went to the same high school, and she's she's she's always been a big sister. So she she's like the person that looked out for me when I was fourteen and just coming to girls high school. You know, she was the one that showed me where the classes were, and showed me, you know, how to get the lunch, and showed me, you know, and took me to the college parties, and it showed me how to put on eyeliner, you know, all of this stuff. Years later, she is my parenting partner, your wife. She has transition and can you just define that? How did she transition from you know, a sister to a wife in that way? Because because now we lived together, so it's a part of you know, what what are we making for dinner? What what are we having for dinner tonight? What is the whole process of our home? She gardens. I love that ship. She's playing it something. I'm like, you look at my basis. That's my wife, girl. Do that? I love it. I go out, I make the money. I tell her, I say, hey, listen, we need some flora expert to come by and come look at this wood in this one area. So I got it, and then they come and then look at it. When I get back, she tells me all about it. She calls me, it's this great. She don't just make a decision and just roll with it. This whole great symbiotic relate. Let me stop dragging my whole We we get stuff done. We get stuff done. We get it done, and we get it done together, and it's awesome. And I bet you know when you need your space. I bet you know when you need your space. I bet you, Oh my god. Not only she does things like, uh, we're gonna go. We're gonna go grab some pizza. You take a nap in the back to renegotiate with my wife. My wife lives with me. You might need to add a wife because you got that you want her. I've been saying this for years and to actually have it is just out of control. I want her to be happy. God knows I want her to be happy, but I don't want her to leave. He's like, I don't want her to leave. Like, okay, So you you know, if you ever, you know, take the time and date somebody, and you know, if you enjoy maybe he should live here. Maybe I hope to because I don't feel like, don't leave a girl, don't leave me. I had to tell it's funny. I had to tell my man one day because he said to me, and this is this goes really, I mean, I go from funny this series. But he said to me, um, we were in Long Beach now, just for reference, I live in l A. Long Beaches, like forty five minutes away. Long Beach is nice and it's cheaper, right, So we're there and he's like, man, bag, you should think about getting the place here, and blah blah blah. And I had to break down to him. I said, you know, I don't have my people here. You gotta understand, as a single lady, you have to at least have And now I know the name the reference a wife close to you. Like when I moved to my place here now in Hollywood, I knew that my wife's Kadija lived uh five minutes away, so she could get here if I needed her too. She could water my plants when I'm away, she could do these kind of things. I don't have a wife and Long Beach there for you know what I'm saying. And I'm just it's just it's it's a day of appreciation of your wife. I would just like to shout out to my wife's Candija, who also bought me my new Martha Stewart yellow roaster um. And it sometimes when she's on the Target website and she sees a good onesie, she'll just buy it for me because she knows my size and she knows what I like. That's what my wife thoughts. I'm just I don't know whatevery. I just, you know, kind of well, let me let me this is my let me go ahead and chime in. Okay, considering that my lifestyle, um that I have, first of all a husband, right and I have six children, that means I require a little bit more than a single wife, because that's there's so much more being drained from my person on a daily That's why I have to I might even I'm thinking about somebody else and I'm like, I don't know, she's it's a lot that The point is, it requires a lot of support. Do you hear what I'm saying? So, I mean, I would have to say it does. It just ranges one of the wonderful things that that one of my wives did for me recently. Was she knew that I had been stuck in this house during quarantine and with all of these p people. Okay, she was like, she was like, she was like, girl, first of all, let me go ahead and take this hotel resipe. Baby, go over there for two days and don't answer your phone for these people. Okay, you go over there for two days. You've been you've been in there. You've been staring in these people's eyes for nine months, okay, every day for nine months. She says, So I need you. I need you to go ahead take a little break. Okay, yeah, yeah, so yeah, any number of different things like, oh, do you need a resource? Oh here, get this resource. Here, girl, take this, take that you need to do it. Quarantine happened. I wasn't on the road. My wife called me and said, um, yeah, I got a business and I need a consultant. Let'm just gonna give you this job. Oh if my wife did that for me, she hit me a job. She got me a job. Girl, Yeah, my wife, So I don't want the job. I don't want the job. Let me tell you I didn't have no job, so she knew I had needed one. So you know what I'm saying. They would picked up, they would pick up an extra shirt, that the extra outfit you you out of ear rings, what you need, Yes, you know what, cookies, cookies just show up at the door, pie, you know, all kinds of wonderful things. But you know, it's interesting because for me, I realized that in a marriage for women, it could just be and I had this conversation with y'all before, it could just be so much extra labor. And the labor of it all is, you know what, it has to be replenished. You just can't walk around constantly putting that type of labor in all of the time and have no replenishment. And so unfortunately, on the other side of things, the replenishment comes from the care and nurturing of the wife in many instances, you know what I'm saying. And so we're trying to get you know, the other people, the men in your life or the other people in your life, even if you currently have a wife, right, But she ain't really got that. She understood that the finer points, I know, some of them building us to like, I got a wife, but I need that ain't popping off. You know what I'm saying, you know, and but I think its roles. But really what it really boils down to and and me and Jill talked about this is just that you, just like she said, you can't get everything from everybody, and that your partner is not going to be able to always understand how to think of you before you don't think of you first or be concerned with your needs, and you're not always going to know or be able to do that either. In theory, I think it's it all is great. You think, oh, yeah, now I have to think about myself. But that's even some labor in and of itself to have to constantly remind your own self to show Sometimes you just need your down. Sometimes you just down, your levels are low, and you need somebody to come in there and say, hey, I'm thinking of you. Did you are you tired? Um? Can I help you? What are you struggling with right now? What are you feeling? And it's not always going to be the partner. It's not always gonna be that partner. My wife has a wife, it ain't me, oh ha ha ha, because she needs a wife. Wife, she needs a wife to handle you. I'm sure that's right. It's a very she needs a wife. Yes, yes, I don't. I don't going for months at a time exactly. I'm going for months at a time, and I'm doing what I'm doing, and I know, like the people that love me know that when I'm working, I get really really focused so that I can get it done. It takes everything, It takes everything. And the older I get, the more it takes to complete the task, the payment is higher. I'll put it to you like that. The payment is hired to get things done. And she she checks in. She well, first of all, she definitely takes care of my son in my absence, so our boys. Very odd thing. Like I said, she's not my biological sister, but her father and my son's father father, my son's grandfather and her father are cousins. My our children are second cousins. They're related. Why we didn't know that until I can't remember her my my sisters, what she's I can't remember her aunt's name right now. But she was like, oh, that's all you know, how black folks, that's all, that's all, Johnny brother. I didn't hear that now that yeah, the cousins, cousin you know, just explaining you how it happened. See people say stuff like by marriage someone someone logical that, which is so crazy to me, Like who could write that I meant to be? Like we're meant to be sisters. She's meant to be you know. I hope she doesn't take that wrong. We call her my my wife. But that's how I feel. I really feel like it is a compliment. But let me say this, it is a compliment. Some people are gonna be caught up in the language we're using today, and in this moment, I wanna at least say that what is being said is that support. It's something that you have to curate for yourself. You know what I'm saying. And if I'm wrong, y'all jump in there. But I'm thinking. I'm thinking that the core of this conversation is about what does it take to support your well being and to think creatively and acknowledge those people who are able to meet those needs with the importance that they should have, and to acknowledge that it's necessary for your well being. It's like it's necessary and that everyone needs that necessary interaction from some one or group of people, and typically it's going to have to be a group of people. It's gonna have to at least be two people, gonna have to at least be too. And the reason why I think I have a receipt on this is that one thing you will notice is that when any person, male or female is isolated within a marriage or relationship, they tend to not be well mentally. One of those people that I don't have any friends. I don't. I don't have any friends, I don't you know. In fact, it's a tool of abusers. Also, they like to isolate people in relationships because they're less likely to have their needs met. They can get real, you know, they can. They're easily easier to manipulate. Right. So really what we're saying is that it is just support and well being has to be spread out. You have to have folks around you willing to think of you, willing to serve and be in service. And in that way you can also you can be in service. Also, It's like in order for you to be in service, you have to have someone's service in you. It's a communal it's a communal existence. I don't think it's having a wife. It's not like you go out and look for your wife either. They show up like a gift, like a genie in the bottle herd. Who's gonna be what? Open like, Okay, I'm right here for you. I want you to be a great mom, and I want you to have a successful business, and i want you to have a happy relationship, and I want everything that's good for you to have. I want you to have all of those things. I'm here to assist, you know, And that's that's incredible. It's like an angel, a angel. Sometimes you make a little path with your wife. If y'all just both happen to be single that and you know forty years, y'all just get that house together and then continue this relationship. I made a pack with my wife that that is not something we will be doing. I'm like, I'm not. I'm already allergic to dogs, Like we're not going to have you know. I have my my niece dog because she is a she has a dog. And my niece dog got me last night. She she has to have a certain amount of wash because she has oil in her hair. She has hair, and I love her to pieces, but she got me last night when she were just laying watching the movie. My whole neck blew up. I was like, uh, are you saying you don't want to be older with dogs? That what you mean? Like living? I don't want to be older with a bunch of dogs, and I don't want to be older with a bunch of cats either. Just you be you and your bitches. You don't gotta be it could be all human beings. You know, my wife loves cats and mostly dogs. My wife loves dogs that still dogs. Yeah, sorry, but that's not That's not what I want to do. But I don't. I told her, and I mean it, you know, after these kids grow up and get out of here, and she don't. She ain't gotta go nowear she ain't got here. I don't. I really don't want her to. I really don't want her to. Maybe one hypo allergenic dog at a time, maybe we'll be right back. I feel like my husband has gotten to the point where he recognizes that he needs he needs the wives. At first, it was just like why who is you on the phone with? Like what are you doing? Like who? What? What? Someone so must have said that to you, someone someone ever, like Litok, honey, let me tell you something, let it happen, Let this be great, because I'm telling you this take the pressure off you. I don't even I don't need you to do X y Z, because guess what that's covered. You gotta embrace embrace the wife, embrace up because she doesn't. She makes things so much easier for you. And I think he's gotten to the point where he starts to really see that that there's a joy, there's an ease factor, right, and that he don't have to take the responsibility for my happiness. And I think sometimes that can be a great big um. Yeah, that's a weight around the neck of your partner to feel responsible for your happiness, you know what I mean. It's one thing to care about you and to be compassionate, But that's like if they missed the mark, then what do they feel about themselves? But when they realize that it's a joint it's a joint venture, then it's like, oh, I missed that, but the wife got it. The word got it. And I've been wife to some people sometime and then disappear for a while and then come back and being wife again. You know, it's like that's a good but that's a good wife because your wife know when to back up and give you room to and she's all. She always there when you need a regardless regardless. But I got a questioned to y'all because all things being fair and equal, but things aren't fair and equal. We know this, right, we know men and women are different. However, is there a space on the opposite side or men and I know we can't say men and their husband and their husband, I don't even know. Let's not even look at words, but just that that position that they would need something similar but gives them different things, you know what I mean? Like, is there I don't know. I think, I think probably yeah, But I feel like men would have to speak on that from a place that's not grounded in the patriarchy. I don't want to hear about needs that you think you have because society says you should have it. I want you to kind of get to know who you are at your core and and then create a support system for those needs, not need not you know what I'm saying. I don't want it to feed no toxic situation, Like I don't think like that my wife feeds my toxicity. No. I guess in a perfect and a perfect world, it would be possibly an elder man who was not affected by, which is, how can that ever be patriarchy or trauma from your situation? That's why be sad for men, because I'm like, men need some type of like emotional wifery in a male type of way coming from a man. And but it just seems so I don't want to say impossible, but such a reach because you gotta find that man who can provide together, all right, they need a brother that can provide that when it's missing, or even let them give them a road map to how to find it for themselves. But who is the super brother? Do you remember on Black Mirror? That means no, no, no, no head of rod. Men need to start befriend and gay men more. Who having having real friendships with gay men? Oh my god, oh my literally you just it's so funny you say that because literally one of my favorite men in my life right now is a former intern of mind who is and the conversations that me and him have about emotions and just being able to be your true self is I mean without feeling, without having all that all that you know, homophone weird, Like, just don't make it weird, bro, Like, just have a real friendship with somebody under who who's having an experience that's different from yours that causes them to have a different level of empathy. Because gay men are not necessarily more woman like, they have more empathy because their experience in life from a marginalized place and I think sexual Yeah, and it has heterosexual men. That's how they benefit from having wives, because they have a person as a certain level of empathy from their position. So I feel like men, you know, and and and and by being be having more intimate relationships with gay men, you have also a person who understands your manhood too, so he understands he has empathy and he had to save the world. Honestly, I've never been able to figure out what on earth homosexuality had to do with masculinity. Doesn't have anything, but and that's my point. Yeah yeah, yeah, right, so yeah, I mean right, never been able to grasp that ship is bro. I'm so dumbfounded, Like that was the that was the easy answer to the hardest question. That's still not easy to make it happen but still provide some type of solution. I mean, I won't said what happens if a straight man is hanging around with with a gay man automatically, you know, the lookie lose and the opinionates, you know, jump in and say, oh, well, I've seen him, so I know. Let me just say this for anybody who's confused about the wives situation. We don't sleep together. We're not We're not intimate in any way except we're intimate in everywhere except physical. She's not into me. I tried, but she's not into me. I'm not her type. I'm just joking, but yes, you're right, Yeah, yeah, my whole face like, you're right. Yeah, we already had this. I just wanted to put it out there that it's not but she's still with me, and yeah, and we're still together. I love me and I love you, know what I mean. But it's the empathy factor, right, And it's like women, women connect at this level of care and service to one another because there's a common sense of what is needed there, you know what I mean, And not every single woman you come in contact with. It's like you said, it's like you wanna be out there looking. It's just your connect with another spirit and it's like, oo, I got you, I got you, And it's funny. I might be reaching on this, but I'm just thinking I'm still stuck in this fucking genius moment that agent just hap. It was genius. It was fucking genius genius. And I'm like, I'm like, it makes me think because you know, a lot of people don't want to have it. I mean, you know what, they're not having uncomfortable conversations. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not scared. I'm saying I would be curious on the back end here men, you know what, you know what they say about that, it's a part too. I know we're gonna do this, We're gonna. I feel like we should do this. But I also was thinking, I was like, huh is that with like Luther Vandross did for the heterosexual man? Like hmm, I'm trying to think of when heterosexual black men do let gay black men in their lives and how they do it. You know what I'm saying, Like when you don't even realize when they're translating something and you don't even realize that you're using this person, is that you know what I mean? Like Luther is a best as a Bethel of the Bethel love making and between you and your in person. Yeah, yeah, come, I'm just I'm just saying in an idea of fun and dancing and and taking down those walls of masculinity. I don't know, I think about like a silvestor, you know what I'm saying, Like, I just think about like breaking down these walls and what you don't even realize. I feel like white supremacy is so strong, white supremacy, white supremacist delusion. Let's put that in there because we're gonna make sure that we're we're saying what it really is is a lie. It makes people so fearful. There's this has got to be a trust factor, and people have got to let go of all the fear. Right and gay men have a fair amount of caution as it comes to having conversation and friendships because it makes sense why they would have been victimized so much. And then you know, but like again, I can't speak for people in their in their particular life and what they feel. I'm not gonna speak for men. I'm not gonna speak for straight men or gay men or whomever. All I can say is this is that that conversation or that connection in order to happen, you would have to have a mutual and equal disdain for white supremacist delusion in order for that to happen, because you have to not give a fuck. Yes, you gotta know exactly who the real enemy is and make sure you leave that outside. That's funny. I'm sorry, but you know that it's funny because I'm just thinking about heterosexual black men and there their white women this, and I'm also thinking about the gay with black men and their white manness, and I'm like, you got you want to break that ship down because everybody ain't listen. I told you before a lot I get where you be coming from. But I'm telling you who people in relationship with has not. I don't want to say nothing to do with certain things, but I'm talking about the way that you view yourself in community with others. How do I view myself in community with others? Now? If I view myself as a certain thing, then I feel uncomfortable in community with other black people, or other women, or other or people from with a different sexual orientation because of how I feel about myself in community with them. So my thing is like this, if I'm married to a white person or I'm in in in in community with and I don't feel that about myself. To me, my issue isn't with you in that relationship. I only have an issue with you in that relationship when you don't understand something about yourself and you bring that hatred for yourself and that misunderstand about who you are into your community with someone outside of your blackness or your womanness or your queerness or whatever. That's that's when it's a problem. But other than that, it's like, do you enjoy life? Just just don't just don't hate yourself here. If you show up as a person who's very self aware, then you can be in love with and partner with whomever you like. If it's toxic, then that's different. And sometimes you don't know if your perception of yourself is toxic. Sometimes that ship is just really the way you see yourself until something happens and that light comes on and you're like, oh wait a minute, well see that. So, if you have a perception of yourself and you grabbed onto the ideas of what society is supposed to be and how you're supposed to be, you're supposed to be you're supposed to graduate from college at twenty two and you're supposed to get married at twenty four and you're supposed to have your first baby at supposed to have three more before you turn thirty two, and you're supposed to dada like when when it all falls down, and typically it does. Whether you've lived that life, if you've lived that life to the letter, you're probably insane right about now. Yes, yep, probably nuts. If you haven't lived that life to hold onto that, you're probably super depressed, you know, or or deeply saddened that you haven't done the things that you were supposed to do. This is this is, this is where we get back to having a wife. A wife you read you from that shackle? How about that? A wife says, whoever you show up as today is fine with me because I love you. Because I love you, Yes, I love you, and I want you to be all of who you are. And that's the that's the that's the joy of having a wife. Yeah, wife, wife, thank you so much for showing up. Shout out to all the wives and sometimes girlfriends. Does you know, sometimes you got some girlfriends in your life, then ain't there as much as the wife. But they still they on their way. They're trying, they're trying a better girlfriend and a wife. That's that's a whole other level. We're talking about the actual spirit of wife, right, so that can drop itself in whomever at any time. That's why we brought up who it would be for men. That's true because that energy, that service energy, that energy of love, that energy of acceptance, of compassion, of thinking forwards, centering somebody's needs and understanding how to jump in there and support all of that. That's what we're talking about. We're just giving it the word wife because that's who we associate these things with. But we're really not married to the word wife, no, unintended. We're just using that word because that's the word society has given us. But who the person we're talking about really is a gift. Okay, Yeah, that way we can make a unisex because the brothers they need a good gift too, And maybe you can go find one the gift in your family at the church with the understanding for for a straight man that not every homosexual man once year. Don't say that, Jill, Yes they do. Are you kidding me? They don't they don't. Oh my god, you are not that fine honey, a tall honey type. Oh you're just not my type, just not my time. How about that that happens a lot. I'm not everybody's type, okay, Beyonce, everybody's but maybe not. You know, but what we're talking about here is not sexual. No, this is not sexual. It's not Take it right on out your mind. We we we. Sex is not on the table in this convo. I can't wait to have I can't wait to have this convo with a what a man? I can't I'm like, I'm still putting a bookmarking this because I know we're gonna come back around. But I really want to talk to men about this, like this concept of of having it a gay man in your life, but not every and not then let's not get a twisted out. Every gay man is in tune with the things that we talked about, but it just seems like they've got a better handle on it than now. Every gay man is not in tune with our perception or our our our particular definition of what is quote unquote femininity, and that femininity is supposedly also equal to nurturing in service, right, Like all of that is, all of that is a problem. The point is that gay men do have a life experience Yeah, that is unique, and it has commentary on manhood that is important for all men to know and understand. And not for nothing. We're forgetting another thing that oftentimes, especially when were talking about black gay men, and I don't want to generalize, but it just seemed like to me and my experience that the black women in their lives are much more accepting. Therefore, the relationship between black heterosexual women and black gay men is just closer. I don't know, it just feels like that, Like it just feels like, well, the double marginalized tend to connect. Yeah, I don't care who you are. If you got if you got a two fer, you usually you usually understand that that's that's true. More real talk after the break. Okay, So there's another level. Then there's also something. I don't know if there's anybody else out here who's experienced this, but I know, but I have. I have no other choice. I don't know what else to call it except a coven. Anybody else have a coven? Oh? Well, Asian, you got one of those? Well, my I have four daughters, so I've raised a coven. Yes, my coven, the four of um three other sisters represent East South Northwest. We would get together and we would talk about witches, witches equate. Typically you think about a cultor when you think of witches. Um Jed has asked me on multiple occasions if his grandmother was a witch, and I was like yes. He asked me if if I was a witch. I was like yes. You know, I think that you know, there's a negativity associated with being a witch that you know, it's just not fair. Which they know their herbs, you know, I mean, they helped give birth to babies, they cure rectile problems and stuff. I mean it's a word invented by by men who needed to be to put these powerful women into a smaller space and of reason to kill them. And the reason why is there a witch doctor? You know what I mean, Like there's a reason to okay doctor because it's her right, but the power for women who were there to assist. Why wouldn't Why wouldn't we learn about the earth and the herbs and why wouldn't it I mean, that doesn't even make sense to not learn about where you're living. So Um I had a coving and never anything negative, never, not one time. We all believe in the in the Creator, always but we would get together and talk about the things that we wanted in our lives, and those things would show up blaringly. We had to be very mindful of the words that we spoke in each other's presence because it would show, Uh, I want to come to y'all. Coving. I got some things. We were kind of party ways a little bit, yeah, But I mean the covering is powerful, more powerful together than a podcast. I know, I know, I know, I know. I always called my daughters the coving because that's where the gods. They seem like they'd be bound together against that little your son, like they're gonna poor thing. I'd be like the coven gonna get him, because they once one started talking bad to him, they all they are not talking a back. Yeah girl, that he that that little one. He goes through it with them girls. But see he's the youngest boy in the household full of sisters, so he's gonna be strong. Don't get it wrong, don't get me, don't get it twisted. He's gonna be strong when it's all said and done. But I always tease them and call them that because I'd be like, y'all need to calm down and ease up on a child. Boy. He had not quick as y'all. He ain't gonna be quick as y'all. Y'all gotta calm down with that him. But I feel I feel like the connections that I have with y'all, and I've spoken about this multiple times, the women in my life as a unit are forced to be reckoned with and they bring so much love and light to my life that I am convinced that this is an essential part of being a well and healthy woman is having women in your life and whatever capacity, whether it's one or it's five, I think it's very important to have that group or at least that other who is there to like, present that that extra boost of energy. I don't I can't explain why it's that way. I wish somebody would do a Somebody do that. Hey, if you're listening and you did your pH d work, or women in their power and how they connect with one another, or women in friendships or women in intimate you know, friendships and closeness, please come on show and tell ye honey if you do, he said, if you've done the work, we want to talk through you because we want to know about it. We want to know about wives and colins and all that ship because I bet you with some science. I bet you with some science when when more than one of us, when we get together, our cycles become one. Look at it. Come on, this is this is this is not here say and then I'm time with some women and your cycles will become the same. How are you gonna change my cycle? How you gonna do that? It's it's a very very powerful thing. And it's it's not some flinty you know, some old uh oh, some what do you call it? Backpack conversation. It's not you gotta cover and it ain't that he be morning, calm down, you go to church on Sunday and none of those things. Stop it, stop it, stop it. If you gotta cover, and you've got something wonderful, if you've got good girlfriends in your life that that will be honest what you can tell you when you light skin, that's all. And if you've got a wife that'll that will love you through your delusion. You get to the other side. Um and also bring you fuzzy SoCs and maybe you know some tea and a good cry or are you from something from target? If you need you know you know that's right, that's right, or or send you on a little trippity trip because you know, help you stay with your man. You know you are, you are a blessed person. You are you are. Don't forget it. Don't forget it. Love y'all, we'll talk to you later. Fine, how do you eat an elephant? One by a time? Hey, hey, everybody, it's producer Eaves here. I'll drop some links to articles on close nurturing friendships between women in the episode description. But your best resource here will probably be the people in your life, the wife angels. And if you don't have any in your life, is that something you need ned and can you find it? Give us some thought, and like Aga said, if you've done research on women and friendships or platonic intimacy, let us know. Send us your books and papers. All right, y'all, see you next week. Hi, if you have comments on something you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey ju, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents J dot Il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laya st Clair, and Age A Great and Danceler. It's executive producer or Jill Scott, Shawn Ji and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Laya st Clair and me Eve Jeff Coke. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. And then and then I looked at the belly of my own it was like, oh, ship, just like Spitch. I had that delusion too. I didn't even gonna lie to you because my mother and my mother's side of film is very very light, and so I always felt like the brownie and my family. So that's that was my perception of myself. And it's it's funny to other people. They think it's funny. Best friend shout out to Kim. She says, Yeah, I didn't want to tell you how didn't say stuff like light skips always talking about you're talking about yo. I'm gonna tell you I didn't know. I didn't know, So I apologize. Gizz and No. J dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
