Whoopings, Spankings, and Everything In-Between

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Ja Dot Do a production of I Heart Radio. What how is everybody? I hope you well this is just that and Aga Graydon Danceler and Ya st Clair. Yeah, we discovered we have been here together having conversations, sparking conversation. We are talking about punishment today. Punishment. Man, I know that I got about four four spanking in my lifetime. Well I mean as a child. As a child, I got about about four. I'm I'm gonna, you know, uh give extra just to say it. Maybe five, but I think it's like four. Um My, my, my mom never really had to to deal with me like that. You know, I got smacked once when I said that I hated her. Um that was smack worthy, I felt afterwards. But you know that teenage angst and not that you know, I'm a grown up, which I wasn't. But nonetheless, like I got, I got let let known be known that I was not to an adult. Um, I think I got a spanking. Oh boy, Oh yeah, I did something really terrible to my cousin Lynnwood, and uh, I gotta spank you for that. That was worth it, Like it was observed. It It's it's the name Linn wood for me. I'm just gonna man, I love it. My cousin Lynn woold, he sounds like a child on a sweater vest. Oh um, come on, but it was enough. It was enough. Jet has, my son has had far more than I ever had. Um, we should weapon a choice, jail. I'm so curious. Okay. So Mr Black became a part of our lives when when Jet lost his mind on a plane. Yeah, he he went. He went all the way there. Oh it was a long flight, and he was showing his royal regal also, and we had not had any issues like that. I said no, no, no, and he goes, You know, everything was fine. But this day, my god, oh boy, that boy embarrassed me so much. And he kept it up until we got in the car and I said in the car we had a forty five minute ride home, I said, listen, when we get home, I'm going to spank you. And he said it call spank me mommy. I said, yes I am. And he got his little iPad. I said, enjoy. He got his little iPad and he played his little games and a few minutes later he was like you, he called me mom. I said, yes I am, Yes, yes, I am oh yes, And when I finally got home, um, Mr Black was born. Mr Black is a slipper with a plastic bottom. Yep, and he is never ever acted like that again. There are repercussions to actions, and I always say as a parent that i'm i'm, I'm here to save your life. The repercussions out in these streets are way worse than this little moment. And I try to make sure that the conversation that's had before the spanking was so so, so deep. Then he expected it wanted it will prefer the spanking over the conversation because I gotta I gotta explain what's happening here and why it's happening, and the realities that this society is so dog on treacherous that a spanking could shoot that could be the blessing right there. I want to make sure that you don't make that mistake again, that you know who you're dealing with, you know. So, yep, that's what to begin. He was about four and a half about some slippers. It's a nice alternative weapon. Yeah, at eleven, we are out of that, and I pray that that is that remains what it is. Now we can have conversations. I could take things away. He understands what we're talking about. And the look still works. The looks still work. Mr Black, he still lives here. He lives here, Like Mr Black put him up on the shelf, like have a little light on him. He still seems here. Some death, some uplight on Mr Black. Yeah, so it's just as you walk by. It's just a tactic. It's all just so you can know he can come down at any time. My thing is, I never got spankings. I never got spankings as a kid, did not. I think I probably got tapped on the leg, you know when I'm trying to crawl and grab something. No relatives, asia, not a aren't, not a nobody, not No one was allowed to spank me. My father could not touch us. My mother yeah, you know, like my mom was really pretty heavy on don't touch my kids because if I ain't touching them, you ain't touching touching them, or I'm gonna touch you. So yeah, it was not It was not a village room. No, no villages going. My mother's like I'm the chief of the god Dad going village. Yeah. So yeah, no, I didn't get spankers as a kid, and I probably was bad and probably did deserve a little bit of it, but um, I didn't get spankings. I did get the thirteen year old slap though, mm hmmm. I did get the slap the helfer. You don't know me like that, that that you don't know me like that when your mom had to step to you, like you a whole, like you like when your mom stepped to you, like when she give you that Sis looks Sis says yeah, because like you you know what I'm saying. And I always say, you're not really uh, you really haven't gotten to like that. Like motherhood is awesome and everything, but like I feel like you get to motherhood, actual motherhood the first time that you cut your kid out in your in your head like they're a whole person in the street, like you don't let it come out saying but in your head, you like you walling you like motherfucker, you don't you know what I'm saying, Like when you in your head and you like you know in the movies where they'd be rocking back and forth like they're about to just like it's about to get rocks. So I feel like that's like the turnograund for that. But yeah, I have six kids. Those of y'all listening who don't know these lovely ladies already know how many chilling chillings I have. And I want to say, May God bless Jet and all the first boom Wars because Mr Black and all his cousins and uncles they work. But see that the real test is when you get that kid that eats Mr Black, which the kid who gets hit by Mr Black, and they look you and y'all a like, nigga, what happened? I had a child like that? Because you supposed to think that, like as far as I knew when that used to happen to me, even if it didn't hurt you. No, No, this child was born. When her eyes open, you feel me, and I mean that that's not that's not like colorful language. Can I ask if she do it more than once? Because I just think it once she saw to look on your face? Did she do it more? It was listen. First, First she used to eat the spankings. That's number one, ship, she realized. Then she realized a better way to punish everybody was to literally have a fit after getting a spanking. So the spanking would induce an actual tantrum that would last so long that the father would be like, Lord, just I can't think, I can't do not the lord, just shut up? What you want? You want a cookie? You want to crack? Where are you? So I feel like punishment in my house has evolved. It has evolved with the personalities and the experiences of said child, and so I had to be very flexible about understanding what worked for whom and experimental and that's been thinking outside of the box sometimes and for black parents that can be us because we really do, like most people, I'm sure, pattern our behavior based on how we were raised. So that's the thing. And that's funny you say that because I had I had a conversation that about whoopings that took me back because I'm like, y'all, I was, you know, switches, yard stick, uh belt And for me, it just grewing into respect for my mom, like I always, I just grew up with the whole thing. My mom is half my size. But I was proud that I was scared of her, you know what I mean, Like I lover. It was nothing, you know, And so it's interesting I had a conversation recently. Um, that's some certain celebrity. And they started talking about the history of whoopings and how black people learned how to discipline based on how they were disciplined on plantations and stuff like that. And lord, I just want to say, I went and took this conversation to my mother and it was her reaction was so I felt so bad afterwards, like she was. She was kind of sad and mad about it in a way. I guess she took offense to it. Say, you know, in a way of saying like, Okay, so what these people today they think they're better than us because they can just talk to their children down or something like, you know what I mean. Like, it was just a moment where I realized I was like, Okay, I have to think about how they had this conversation with my own mother and let her know that I still respect the way that I was raised. Although now people are saying thing different things about Wooman's and that's not something we should. I'm just I just I'm just curious what y'all think about that, because I just never thought of life without who well. Um. According to Cape Town et Cetera dot com, the Constitutional Court of South Africa has ruled that the common defense of reasonable and moderate parental chastisement of children is now unconstitutional. The Unanimous The unanimous judgment was handed down on Wednesday, September eighteen. I don't know what year this was. I think it was two thousand seventeen when the court ruled that there are more reasonable ways to discipline shoot. I think that there's a lot of reasonable ways to discipline children. I don't think that you should be in anybody's house though. I'm not talking about beaten with Somebody is knocking the fool out of you and hitting you with an iron, and you know it's crazy stuff. I'm not I'm not talking about knocking somebody out. I'm just talking about papa. Don't touch that, stay away from that, you know. Um, I think I think for me anyway, his safety. I just got this one, this one, so I'm a little nerve this. I was a little nervous in the beginning about his safety, you know, making sure that he popped his hand, if he didn't look both ways crossing the street, you know that kind of stuff. I want you to stay alive. You do not stick a fork if they outlet you know what I mean, things like that, UM, for his safety. And then later on I felt like, I need you to understand that the ramifications for the actions could be ways. This action could be way worse than this moment. So get it all together, and I'm grateful that those times happen. UM. I'm sure people will have a major argument about, UM, how you gain respect from a child? UM. But when I look at the animal kingdom, um, mother lions are throwing their little cubs all around, and get there and get to get them in check. You know, when I look at the animal kingdom, this is a part of rearing a new cub. And I'm I'm a mammal too, know what I'm saying. So you know, I don't feel worse for wear for getting a couple of spankings that I got. I don't want anymore. And even now, as as you know a forty eight year old woman, there is only so much you know, uh, tough talk. I'm gonna talk to my mother. I love inside of her for me, and I'm going out of my way to give her a hard time. No, sun, no, ma'am, I'm not doing it. I do believe that my mother would literally you know, kill me if she had to. And I killed for you and killed for me that part out of love. And I try to remind you every now and then. I'm crazy. Yeah, I mean my kids have been reminded many times like this. It could get real wild up in here, you know, so please is don't please believe it. I just think that the way that I was, you know, I married young, I had my children young. My mentality about punishment just has just really evolved over the years, just because number one, I had to go with what worked and everything that not the same tactics and not work with everybody. And I also had to really live in the understanding that um my little black children are being like overly punished, overly police, overlooked at by everybody. And when I say police, I don't mean just the actual police. Every part of their life is just constantly watch your watch yourself, do this, don't do this, don't wear this, don't say this, don't that. I had to kind of be aware of how much trauma and how much of that policing that I was doing on them, and how that's very straining and it causes a lot more trauma than we're ready to deal with as a community, and I think that we don't have a way of really helping a lot of people understand that there is you know that that there's a difference between So we might say a kid with a little papa pa pap, but in some houses Papa pa pa pap is okay to have with a cast iron pipe, right, you know what I'm saying, And that for them, that is indicative of not sparing, sparing, not sparing the rod, and spoiling the child. And so I think that we gotta take a good look at this thing, not in a judgmental way, because I think what happens is that people who don't spank, they have a tendency to come off like you're abusive. That's violence, and this is what white people touch you to do. And especially how everything is being re evaluated, all of our actions, all of what we thought with traditional norms are being reevaluated. So again that's why I'm bringing this up to I mean, yeah, I mean honestly, like I was in this in this this class other day and they were saying that modernity is is in in its adolescence right now. So the modern modern thinking is actually very new. So I think some of the things that we think that we some of the changes that we've made as a as a society, we don't understand that we're still getting there, that there's no like that, that that it's okay for us to say that wasn't okay, and we want to do something different, you know what I'm saying. And I had a really interesting experience with two of my children in which that kind of corporal push punishment and the thing about spankings and stuff really flipped on me and made me have to come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to use my brain and I was gonna have to walk my way through this, and I was gonna have to question the very core of how I communicated with others and how I empathized with others. And it transformed me. I cannot lie, Can I lie? My? My? My youngest three children don't get spankings at all, And that youngest one, I promise you, he tests all of the boundaries around that, but he does not catch them. The older ones getting mad that the younger ones don't done. Hell, yes, they'd be like what they asked, what they like ship didn't go. I don't know what my mom may dad getting soft? They like, sis don't know sis. Listen, my oldest, my my youngest will say something and my youngest will turn his head around quick as a mug, like, oh, you're gonna let that slide. Let that slide, okay. Jent is so funny that my my nephew lives here with us. Jen is so funny that he'll pull his cousin aside to be like, listen, you're you're you're you're nine. I'm out the game, I'm out the spanking game, but you're still in. You don't want this, go apologize now, get it together now. And it tickles me my sister, and now we laugh so hard at the two of them, Jet trying to help his cousin out, like, listen, man, I think so too, Like man, you don't want to be like me, Miss Sophie, I mean not Miss Sophia saying you don't want to be like you're we end up like me. You don't want what I've been through? Yes, ah no he didn't. He could probably count his if he you know, probably, I'm like, it's probably like a hand and a half, you know, But I'm so grateful that these conversations happened so that he can fully understand I'm not just popping you for no good reason. I'm popping you because you need to feel this. You need to understand it, and you need to feel it. There are ramifications for your actions, absolutely, and that's fair to say you are. As we're having a conversation, I'm just thinking and digging into you know, me, me and my mom and our own relationship. It's interesting because I do think now in retrospect, I'm like a lot of times those spankings did did replace some good old conversation. So now as an adult watching the way, oh god, mommy, don't listen to this episode, but watching watching sometimes away that my mother handles situations, I'm like, okay, after this said, are you blowing up? Let's sit here and have a conversation, lady, and she just it's something that's new. It's something that's new. Yeah, my kid, My kid pulled my tail, my coattail and said to me once, I wish you could have the same patience with me that you have with that younger one. Wow. Yeah, it said to me, hey, that that patience that you have there, and I had to tell him I said, listen, I've learned this patience you want me, you want I have learned that, and I've come to understand it in a different way, and so I just I had to take that hit and I had to shift my behavior because a kid gets Your children do get older, and they do begin and if you are if you are establishing a relationship of communication, they will communicate, but you have to be ready for what they're going to communicate. But one thing I'm I'm figuring out also is that quote unquote undesirable behavior that we need to kind of be more about finding out the root of that if if the if the behavior is about curiosity, or the behavior is about maybe they had a bad day of school, or maybe the behavior is I saw something that I'm confused by or whatever. Right that the conversation around that is useful to start there, because what you're teaching them is to identify their feelings and emotions, things that a lot of us go down the line and pay a lot of money and therapy to figure out how to do. We just started talking. This is the crazy point. Like even the way that you're speaking Asia, like us as black people, our generation really just started to have these kind of conversations out loud. You know what I'm saying. I just started thinking about that. I'm like, of course, for different generations before us, you know, depending on what the situation was and what your work situation is. I don't tom sitting here and talk to you about why and would. I'm just gonna whip your ass and make sure you don't do it again, because I gotta do so and so and so and so after this and raised it. It's just it's all clicking in my head. Just but you know what that is? What is it? White supremacy, all of that. I don't have time. I gotta get to work, I gotta clean this house. I gotta says that you don't have time because the act of being black in this country means to have no time to think about your feelings, no time to think about everything, to preserve life. Even even Jill said in the beginning, I'm worried about his safety. But your obsession with your son's safety and I say obsession, not you know what I'm saying, Oh, we all are. Our our obsession with our children's safety is directly correlated to having to live within a white supremacist society and thus being black when we're perpetually to funk afraid. So it's like leading from your fear. And I've had conversations like this with white mothers too, so trust and believe it does have some similarities across the board, where it's like our sations with our children cannot be centered in our fears. Not that our fears should be ignored. Our fears are our instincts. Our fears keep our children safe. But at the same time, too, we tend to center our fears. What am I afraid my child will become? What am I afraid that this behavior says about him? What am I afraid that this behavior says about me? M H pray, sister girl, these kids don't broke a sister down and build them back up, because I promise you every child that has come through my household has taught me a separate thing, m um. And and that's the one that's not the one. Blessing forgive me what good That's great. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean the kids. I didn't mean I take that back. I take that back. Dog, we traumatized. Goodness, gracious, I can't it's too much sometimes be too much. I mean, yes, take a minute, yes, take a minute. Right. I don't think that my grandmother spanked anybody. She had five children. I really don't think she did. She probably could have got at least two of them. That's extremely rare. If she didn't like grandmother's they created, they created to go get the switch. Yeah, I don't think she did. I have to ask my mother. I have to ask her her father. Her biological father was blind, so I doubt very much if he was catching anybody or spanking. I don't know if you had to stick though, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think she I don't think she did. Like she really didn't spank me too often. So you are a full unicorn like you are. She's just a full unicorn. I am learning these things. You don't have one gray eyelash. What the heck? That's the only grey you got? You You ain't got down and blow you get down down a high I got a gray eyelid. As as far as I'm going, you ain't got no great I'm sorry. Okay, So I have a funny story about gray down below. I found these I found I found a gray hair like right on my hairline, and I'm like, oh, baby, I finally got a gray hair. He talking about something. Oh, that's not your own gray hair. I said, what you're gonna do? Keep that's what she's doing. Oh man, listen, ladies, young ladies, these things, these things happen. So these things occur. Everything that you thought was not going to be yours because you saw your mom naked, or you saw your grandma naked, all of those things are yours. The hair on the chin, yep, that's real. It happens. Oh boys, Jesus, please don't let it happen to me. I've seen it, but please, Lord, Jesus, please Jesus all I don't you gotta pull it, You just gotta, you gotta pull it starts a whole bunch of problems, I think I heard. Or you gotta big starts a whole bunch of problems. In solidarity. I don't leave the house without tweezers. I don't because I never know. I didn't know that. I thought Condie Cheese was like something. Now I ain't, ladies, guy, And then I was looking at my thighs and I was like, oh, everything that you commented about in your perfect state your in your increased state, when you were just flawless for no reason at all. Shout out to Eaves, flawless and your perfectness. Everything that you saw occur with your grandma and your mom and her grandma. If you've got a chance to see all that is yours, all it belongs to you, you can do the best. What I what I what I got was that little lovely mid section. Why I love my thighs and my titties and all that. The girl, I don't have no waste my stomach, my mid section. I look like my mom a egg with good legs. Girl, that's why I look an egg with good thighs. That's what it is. Yeah, all of these things do occur, that all of them, All that happens. But you know, the funny thing is a good thing is that by the time it does happen, you do legit, don't give a funk about it. That's the good part. That's how these things, This is how these things aligned. I put on put on and walk out close every day to to motivate myself to work out. So I don't know that nothing that happens because yeah, I'm just saying I'm trying to slow it down, sold things down a little bit. That's one of the things had I really wish somebody had told me that, like everything that you see in your family is going to occur, you have two remindful of that all that, because we're here to impart information and that enlightenment, you know, on our young sisters, because there's things that you don't know. You think you know, but you know, you have no idea, and you won't know unless somebody tells you. And so it's somebody who wants you to win, and it's not jealous of your Yes, yes, I want you to win. Booboo. Yeah. So I now have for teenage girls in the spectrum of teenage girls like so starting at twelve, which is not quite teenage. But okay, I have twins, twelve year old twins. I have a sixteen year old and an eighteen year old. Damn, it's work work. Yeah, So let me tell y'all son, Right, as I have gotten oiler and I've gotten into really exploring my own emotion starts, my own healings, my own traumas, met really getting into understanding gender politics and things like that. Um, changing the way that I think about that. The test to any good woman's minism and or womanism is trying to raise a teenage girl. That is when you will find out about all the ways in which you have been programmed, indoctrinated to believe and then repeat so much fuckery. And it's very hard because the things that sound good on the oh empower young women. You're not what you wear, da da. All those things will come back to hunt you because then you're fourteen fifteen year old will say, mother, these booty shorts do not dictate my character. These booty shorts don't give any man they're right to disrespect me. And everything that they're saying is absolutely true, and it's all things that you taught them, and they will flip it back on you. And that's just one thing. But I will say that UM having to trade to train, guide, and teach teenage girls is very tough because they are getting to that age where they are learning that everything is their fault. Women and young women are consistently vilified for things that are part of their growth, their natural growth in coming into womanhood. And I have had a huge problem with this, and it's very difficult to step out of that mode because the old school ways, the things your grandmother taught you, the things your mother taught you. You know what I'm saying, You're too young for sheer black holes. Remember that you cannot wear red lipstick or red nail polish. Excuse me, no lipstick, no color gloss. So these are all the things we grew up hearing. But we know it's bullshit. We know it's bullshit. I don't know, Okay, let me just say this. There is a young lady in my life, um that I think, I think I can't put anything on her. I think is exceptionally stunning. I think she's just beautiful. I call her the most beautiful girl in the world. And I watch her put on so much makeup. It hurts my feelings. It's so much and it's so unnecessary. I know it's her face, but her her skin is literally flawless. It looks like some old, reddish brown, silky velvet. She's stunning, and I keep trying to impart on her how much she doesn't need this much. There's a difference between stage makeup and every day makeup, and it always looks like she's on stage, you know, I think probably for her parents or for her mom in general, maybe taking away her makeup will probably be punishment, you know, because I can't think of anything else she loves more. I get it, but it's hard for me to see someone that lovely trying to ailate into your reasoning for your reasoning for her because concern, like I said, You're concern is about the health of her skin, about understanding a middle ground. These are all things I think our conversations that are valuable. So, now that's a valuable conversation. But I think a lot of times with girls, especially young girls, we respond based on what we are afraid again that people will think about them, Afraid about what that says, or what's this what we think society says that is about you know what I mean about us. So it's like, again, if if I'm having healthy conversations with my children about sex, if I'm having honest conversations about my children, about communication and about how to carry friendships and how to honor those connections with other people, about how to honor themselves within the scope of that relationship, and that my concerned about how others will view them. Where is my concern? My my concern is in those categories, right, not punishing or beating them because of how difficult it can be at that age to navigate those changes, in those transitions, because it is it's a horrible time of your life. But what about this the other third thought too, like enjoy being a little girl, because this ship gets hard, like just on the levels of doing things. It's like makeup and you know, look in a certain ways. And I'm like, what about the aspect the just enjoying being a little girl? Like, I mean, it all depends on what you think being a little girl is. Because at the end of the day, we all played dress up. We might have played in mother's makeup or whatever the case may be. Some of these young will about some of these young girls are learning a skill. And I'm not talking and we haven't even mentioned like what ages we're talking about. We're just saying girls. But I'm like, if we're talking about like eight years old, like going to school with makeup, one, I know, man, like enjoyed being a little girl. Man, if you're talking about being at home and practicing, because you are saying the makeup and you want to be at home, that's one thing, But then going to school with a full base be the eight years old and thirteen. How about their team with a full beat with foundation and not even quite yet. But I don't know even if even if it's on your skin for a long amount of time, like so you're not even getting your skin. We all know about to turn around a skin too. And I just I guess, I guess the I guess the connection that I'm making is more around the response to these things. You know, you might know it's not necessarily about whether or not we are deciding that that's for whatever family decide for their family, you know what I'm saying, Um, But I think it's more so about how how do we respond to our kids. What do we say to them that we are making sure that the conversation around there whatever behavior that they have that we think is undesirable. And we tend to attach more levels of undesirable behavior to our young girls than we do to our boys. So there's like basic undesirable, and then there's the stuff that we assign only to girl children. And that's kind of what I'm talking about, is just trying to respond to them in a way that's empathetic, that says I'm interested in you, I know what you're going through. I've been there and that this is an open communication, and this is an open situation in which we can discuss your feelings. And even though that can be very difficult because obviously they're at an age where they may you know, lie or whatever the case may be, and they might go back and forth with things, I just it's it's something I'd rather do, is I'd rather invest that way because it's just so much more valuable in the long run. And kids lead double lives. I want your other life to be as close to the one you let me see, and if you are scared of me, you're going to hide the other life. So at the end of the day, you can figure out how to let me only see the ship that I like, but you'll be over there making all kinds of gully as mistakes and your other part, and I don't know anything about it because you're too scared of what I'll say and what I think and what other people will think. Do you think that the fear comes from spankings or judgment both? But I would say judgment more for the teenagers. But that's that's that's how your punishment goes. It goes from physical to actual judgment. And then we wonder why these teenagers are suicidal, why they're depressed. They're dealing with judgment from every angle, from you, from their peers, from society as a whole. That's on blackness and girlness. And you got a nice lovely ship show. You said it, you said it every day because if you know, you don't, if you don't have the if you don't. I do appreciate this natural hair movement. I do appreciate that young women, young girls are are loving and enjoying their natural hair, like trying to look like somebody else all the time all the time. You know, one time I said, um, if we had a no weave day, a day the it was tweeting at the time, and the messages were like, I wouldn't come outside, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to work. I'll call out of work that day. You know, Like that's deep when we think about our kids and what they have to face steep well. According to Parenting dot First cry dot com, there are other ways to punish children. They have ten creative ways to punish your child. They're calling number one time in, and time in is instead of a time out where you put your kid off to the side and they sit in a corner or they sit somewhere quiet. You give them a task to complete in order to, you know, rectify whatever you know wrongly did like that, okay um, I thought it was gonna be. It didn't say what the task was. It could be cleaning out the trash cans. It could be and that's there we go. Now we're cooking because they have the task like writing a poem or writing the letters of the alphabet, or coloring a picture. I'm like, I love coloring. That's like, you know, we're talking. Okay, so cleaning out the trash can, that's a very good I thought the task was here. Yeah, I prefer that fact. I just took a MoMA mental note, okay um to its exercise, you know, take you gotta go take a walk around the park or around the block, or you gotta run. Exercise punitive And that's my point. That's weird. Yeah, I thought so too, okay Um. Make them do chores. You gotta do chores anyway. Chores is a basic part of being a part of the community of the household. Thank you, uh timer uh. Let's if your child takes too long to finish a task like completing homework or cleaning his room, set a timer. I don't understand how that's uh punishment? Yeah, because what happens if he don't do it at another time? What's the punishment exactly? Yeah, they're they're losing me. Five is practice. Uh they have trouble with schoolwork, then performing poorly? Make them take tests. Oh, this is cute. Let's go with the number six punishment jar. Write down the punishments on a piece of paper and put them in the jar. The next time your child behaves in an ill manner. Ill manner asked them to pick a sheet from the punishment jar and do whatever is written on it. Sound fun? This sound fun? Yes? This list is racism. This is this waste of prepacy. I don't like it. Yeah, cool off time, tidy up, clutter, no fight areas, early bedtime. Okay, let me just say this blessed. Yeah. Um, we were talking about punishment here, and those are not punishments in my opinion. Anybody else, Yeah, that's that's not good. I'm I'm gonna translate that into some sex fun That jars sound funny. I know I have had some experiences where I've seen people parents, and I wanted to fight them myself. Sincerely, sincerely, you just stand here and let that child talk to you like that double duchy about jump in. You're like, I can do it for you. If you want me to do do it, I could do it. I didn't see this. My girlfriend saw this. She she had sent her son to an exceptional school and UM super expensive in Los Angeles. UM. She said she was about to drop her her son off and he saw she saw a a young girl walking, maybe about twelve, and there was an older woman. This was an Asian woman, and she was carrying the backpack the older woman. So the little girl was walking behind her up a hill. Grandma's carrying the backpack. I don't understand. Okay, maybe that's a cultural thing. M hmmmm. Anyway, the young girl starts screaming at the grandmother and runs up on her. I told you, And my girlfriend says she couldn't hear what was being said. She's heard the loudness of it, but not what was said. And the twelve year old looking young woman, young girl slap but the grandmother across the face and ran up the hill. Oh we don't, Oh, we don't do that. We don't. We don't do that, and we don't know that's not with us, not that that's not what black black friend. We didn't do that. See, this is a this is a different time. Like I grew up with one bathroom in the house, so Jet and I, you know, we grew up differently. He is a he's a different experience than I do. What I don't want is for him to become this arrogant uh oh, disrespectful um asshole. I don't want him to be that guy if I can help it. I don't want him to to be an elitist or feel like he should be. I want him to believe that he is great and has the capacity to do all things um beneficial to himself into society. I believe, you know that's what I want for him. But the rich kids, I'm gonna I need them all to get spankings. I need I need them all to I think it's just like just for adults, right, So it's no different for kids when adults have access to anything that they want. I just think that you oftentimes are going to get situations where really similar you know, they're gonna act similar well, um, with young people who have access to so much. I think that manners um respecting their elders. It's like super super super super important, because I don't I'm gonna like those kids. I don't like the asshole kids that I'm better than you because my dad has a or my mom has I don't like that. I don't even want to be around those kind of At least you acknowledge that. I don't know if the parents who make those kind of kids even acknowledge that that's the thing, Like they're even conscious that that's the thing. So maybe the first step and that is at least knowing that that's not what you want, because that's your ability gonna have that being no asshole, No we're not, we're going to do that. But I do see a lot of parents. This is observation, not judgment. There's a lot of parents whore like, oh, well I didn't have this, that or the other. So I'm going to make sure that my kid has everything. And if that's how you are um to give your child everything, then punishment to me means, you know, confiscating some of this crap, some of this stuff. You don't get those sneakers, you don't get that Jackie. You don't get this computer, you don't have that game. You can't go to this place, you know, unless you act accordingly in my house with my rules. To me, that seems like a you know, a fair punishment for you know, a teenager. What I've learned, I don't know if you've had if you've heard this before, like yeah, but um, I've heard this a couple of times that young boys, like teenage boys, they get into this, this this bucking thing. And I've I've heard I know a couple of mothers that have mother mothers and fathers men testing men, but like your mom, it's it's a like, um, not so much physicality with the mom, physicality with dad's sure, but this mouth thing, you know, this this extra talk back. You know, I'm a man. You don't even got muscles, your undarmed stink. Now, you know. I heard of this. I have heard of this, and and I know a couple of mothers and a couple of fathers that have knocked their kids into the wall. Most of us. I feel like there's a female remix to that too. It ain't just a man thing. Girls go through this thing. I'm sure parents and mothers have said the same thing. I know Asian will say the same thing that girls go through, the same thing. If I'm grown and I got this hair, and yeah, I definitely like we talked about we certain guys, you certainly have to come down, no matter how angry are, you gotta go somewhere to calm down and talk to yourself and get yourself all the way together before you go spanking the child. That's the rail room, yep. Because all of the other pressures that are inside you are gonna come out during that time. Kid, That kid is gonna get something that's not theirs. Right. That's why that conversation before the spanking is so important. We got to bring it down. Yes, let me explain to you why I'm upset with you. Let me tell you what you are not gonna do while you live here. I agree. I love that that switching the conversation to the beginning of the spanking. Mm hmm, that one after where you gotta be like, I'm sorry. And then because you talked about it so much, I know for me that old line this is gonna hurt me worse than it hurts you. I wouldn't talked it out, we hadn't explained everything and now I still now still said I was on it because I said I am. Damn it. It hurts me worse than it hurts you. But gone and take that. It will take them tears and take that little hurt backside and golden go on somewhere and figure it out. And typically I have to say with with this kid, if he doesn't apologize and get himself together immediately, in the middle of the night, he'll be standing up next to my bed. M Mom, I'm sorry. I lied. I'm like, Yo, you don't have to do that with me. Man, don't do that. Can be better than that. Let's be better than that. I'm matter. No, you're not gonna be Okay, that's a whole another top like that. I like them when you graduate from the pop to the shirt. Jack up, I like. I like a good shirt, jack up. I won't lie to you. I like that get you off, that gets you off balance, a little shirt, just that shirt when the whole shirt get to the top. Yeah, I've also instituted in in in um, I have my own list right instead of spanking them shirk, jerk, that's the shirt, the shirt jerk there. We just you gather up that top part of the shirt underneath your chin, right that part, and you pull them in close, pull them in close. You don't actually say anything, but you put them in real close, and then you shake it a little bit. That that one is. I just imagine you're older shaking his whole head to this whole episode. And then I like and then I like. Another go to that I like is to lift the arm above the head. You know, when you're out when you're outdoors and they in trouble, and you take that one arm and you lift it all the way up and you grab that arm. And it's effective when you get the arm, the top part of the arm and you grab that and the elbow is above their head and you move them real fast, and their little feet be going and their arms up off their head. It's so awkward. That's a good one. That is equivalent to the mama lion grabbing that cub by that that that lion, that meat. Just gotta jerk the arm up a little bit, not hard, but just to where it's above the heat. Now you can't do it, do yeah? I like this one also is number three. Number three on my list is the loud slap of the table right, so if it's some craziness going on, you spread your hand out fingers why right, bam and see if y'all. There's a meme going around of Denzel Washington when he's playing Malcolm X and he's sitting at his desk and he hangs up the phone and he gets real frustrated and sits back that one there supporting to slam that table. The loud noise, oftentimes does bring all the attention to you. You understand what I'm saying and that you are fed up, and that you're fed up, you are tired? Yes, right, yes, yep. Number four? What's wrong with you? Come here? What's wrong with you? What's going on with you? What's happening? I got time? What's happening? Why are we here? W A S S W O R N G W I T C H you what's wrong with you? With you? What's wrong? Yeah? These are good notes, These are good notes. I feel like that's that's that's for good ones. We're gonna come up with a full list. We'll circle back. I like this. I like this. You could have saved home me a couple of as swumping I mean, and I asked a little spanking long live Mr Black, Yeah, he's he's somewhere around him. I think that it is individual. Um, how you punish your children. Um, I think that punishment is important. I do. I think that there has to be accountability for your actions, you know. Um, And it's up to the parent because they're the adult on what those things are. Where everybody's real clear that we don't want to see nobody get knocked up the head with a damn iron, you know what I mean, that's easy enough, and I'm just, oh, that was a lot of that. That's a beating, that's a beaten. That's not a spank, and that's a beating. Was the Ethiopians. I didn't know if it was okay, all right. I don't even. I don't even. We don't even used to be word. You know, we don't say whooping either. No, just because I want to be real clear with with you know, my kid and my nephew, like, this is a spanking, this is not a whooping, this is not a beaten. I'm not trying to have I said, I'm not doing something out of you. I might have Nah, Nope, I didn't do it. It's evolving. The language is evolving. The language is evolving. We as parents are evolving. We have a lot more time. It may not seem like if it's to me anyway, it just seems like we have a lot more time to think about how we parent. And if you are young girl and have not had children yet, I think it's really important for you to make a little list of what kind of parents you hope to be, so it's not also willie nilly and lying by the seat of your cuff. You know that you think about it because I only have one and it's it's a challenge sometimes often just trying to steer and and guide and assist Asia. I know could speak more on that. You know the challenges of being a parent. It's probably write this down what you really want for your for your babies, how you want to how you want to be perceived as a mother. I know for me, I wanted I want Jet to feel super loved and super supported and and I want him to know I have faith in him and I believe the best for him, and I'm here for it. What you need, boy, what you're trying to do? Boil you? Are you like that? Okay? I have access to introduce him to people and things you know, so, my mom gave me a pretty big palette and I just want to do the same. I'll just chat out how do you eat an elephant? One by it side eaves here. A producer on the show, Jill mentioned an article on the Constitutional Court of South Africa ruling reasonable and moderate parental chastisement of children unconstitutional. I'll provide a link to that article in the description if you want to learn more about that ruling. And I'd say that ages list of punishment tactics served as a great counter to the list that Jill read that they really weren't feeling. But just in case something in that list did seem helpful to you, I'll drop a link to that article too. Last, but not least, the book All about Love New Visions by Bell Hooks really helped Aga think about how to love her children. Check it out. Thank you again everybody for listening to this Jay dot Il podcast. We're just some women having some real conversation and uh hopefully sparking your thoughts. Thank you, Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents Jay dot Il the podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laya St. Claire and Adre Bayden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Sean g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Laya's Saint Claire and me Eve Steph Cooke. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Taylor Chaquin. Twelve. Actually it says. It says top twelve creative punishment ideas for kids. I like that voice. Who that showing up? Louis that lady from the fifties? I don't know, it's an old radio voice. Yeah. Thanks. J dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.