So You Got Em...Now What?

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot Ill, a production of I Heart Radio or What's Up Everybody? Uh, this is Joe Scott and welcome to Jay dot Ill the Podcast. I am sitting here with me and me. Guys. He had manas uh agent Graydon dansela um bone your huh. I'm the fabulous La st Cloud. No. I only speak French. Oh wait wait wait wait wait wait here come one? Uh damn Japanese, I do, but I could remember. I can only remember Canichia right now. I was like, I don't want to got too. I don't know, you know, ad got goes I my, that's thank you very much. Oh yes, well, thank you very much for listening to j dot El the podcast today. I was I was thinking, of course, damn it, y'all when when you get a good man mm hmmm, because it makes you know, people make it seem like there's it's impossible to get a good man, right if you know that's what you're into? Um sood men not interested in a good man. I was thinking about why did I get married? I probably was too, and I remember a line It was something like the hardest thing in the world is to have a good man. After you had a bad one. And I think Tyler Perry probably fed me that line at the time, something Sheila said. But damn, y'all, that sounds like a Sheila line. It kind of is a Sheila line. Like, damn y'all. Like we talk so much about what what a good man is and how we want a good man or a good partner, all the things like what do you do when you actually got what you asked for and you ain't ready for it and you're not ready for it and you ain't ready? Come on, now, all those thoughts, all those those prayers, all that meditation, all the so what you want them to be? Like some people make lists. I love a list is a good thing to me. Yes, your girl, oh boy, putting the list in your body. I gotta put I guess I should put something because I'd be like, Lord, Lord's get in today, get him, hold and hold and Lord, get in, make him right today. Lord put that thing in your head. That would be a prayer and a dream, and then you get what you asked for. I mean, it could be on so many levels, just getting what you asked for. When you get what you asked for, are you even ready for what you asked, what do you even really like what you asked for? Is he corny? Don't call him corny? Is he ll all corny? That's a good one. But do you like what you had asked it for? Do you? Or do you like it? With your question for wow, did you get some things in the middles? Did you get the middles? That's what I always says, grays. You got the blacks and the whites, but you for got the grays. When when you start your list, do you started at you know, I guess I would go with the the shallow in do you do? You start there? You should, though, right, because your first list is not going to be your most in depth list. It should be very basic what you should be committed to building. Okay, so you're saying that there's more than one list. Oh yeah, the list, Jill. The list starts to start a very young age and continue to grow, and by the time you get it, it's like, what is a little thing? Because now I got the intricacies. Now I didn't date it a little bit, and I know, oh I want this, but I also needed to be this on top of that. You know, yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense that the list grows, you know as you grow, Right, working list, a working list about you know, who you want to spend your time with. Yeah, I realized that I don't want somebody who is flashy so much with money. I don't like that. But you want the money though, I want you to have some money something the grades. You see what I'm saying, Like that was a being irresponsible, I think is the word I'm looking for. Being irresponsible with money. Flash is fine if that's what you like, that's what you like. But you know, being irresponsible buying something that is um ridiculously expensive and it you know, as soon as you pull off the lot, it's it's depreciated. Yeah, I mean, like you know that that's irksome to me, Like, what are you doing? I used to have this, uh, this item on my list. I remember, because y'all, I'm real conscious about my evolutionary list. I tell everybody I'm an evolutionary data, like every dude should be an evolution of the last. And so I put I remember I put on my list ten years ago, like I want to do who's older? Who can you know teach me some things or whatever? Right? So I got that I got older due and he but he was too bossy. You know what I'm saying. He wasn't willing to listen, to listen to me because I forgot to ask for that. You understand I'm saying. So I wanted to be smart but a listener also exactly. That's what I mean about the list. That's why it's like sometimes you don't know until you experience it, like God, God, And so yeah, I got I got a few of those little things of m How do you think you should evolutionary list? When you're in a relationship? Like how does that go? You gotta do the that do you have to go to like therapy? Or like how does that work? Like? Because I feel like people's communication styles change over the years, Like the team I got married young sweden't know what the hell like we went. Our communication style started off like arguing, but it happened, it happened. Then eventually we're just like God, damn, I was just tired to fight with your ass, like well what you what to eat? Like what what? Like let's talk about it because lord, ha mercy. If we argue about this ship, we're more good pressure together. But I mean I feel like, okay, so we're on the precipice of twenty four years of marriage, and we got hell of question hella, questions that have come up in the past couple of years because I've turned forty a few years ago. He's about to turn fifty next year. So like it's definitely an evolutionary list. Like I don't have this answer, I'm gonna put it out it to the people because I swear I really don't know. I'll be thinking people stuff be getting real jacked up around this time period, Like I'm trying to figure out. I feel like at this point. People think you suppose the coast at this point, but I actually think this point is actually the much more complicated part of the marriage. If you ask me, oh, trying to find I ain't gonna lie. That's scary because you think that you know you're together long enough and you you've got you settled into your ways, your habits, the way you do things, and life does what it does and trick you up. Well, you know what, maybe I should shift the conversation not to be general, right, because I think that's really important when you're talking about once needs relationships, what each person needs, because a lot of times I think we get messed up with these very general ways that we talk about relationships, which is why people feel so loss because they're like, oh, well that I don't fit in that box. So does that mean I'm never gonna find or I'm never gonna get or this isn't what I want or need because they say that a good relationship has this, and a good relationship does that. So I feel like, let me just shift it a little bit. I think that's been a more complicated aspect of my relationship is that now there are some very pertinent questions around the evolutionary list, right, and so some things that may have worked for me at one time when I was busy having kids the day, Yeah, that stuff ain't working well. I love the idea of the evolutionary list. I think that's fantastic because that, yeah, I don't know that I was necessarily doing that. I've been blowing it a little bit, and even subconsciously. I always wonder about people that that like data sat person or oh I don't like that, but I've done it, definitely done the same person in different skin before big dummy, you big dummy. Yeah, like that's been whacked. Yea, what about let me ask you, do you think that you put yourself on a pedestal when you make an evolutionary list. That could be that could happen not not not not Jill, that could be a side effect. Um, but yeah, because you know a lot of them, oh demand themand podcast they'd be talking that ship. Y'all think y'all so special? Queen special? Queen you queen's ain't y'are special? Y'all think y'are the only ones post to wants something? We want something too. But that's why this conversation started with Jill saying to like, if you are ready to receive that goodness that you perceive as goodness, like are you ready yourself? Are you a good person? Are you good woman? A good man? Like a good day? Whatever? Like that's you want somebody to the chief. But can you control y'all? So why you had to bring that up? Because you know I'm looking at that and you can you be subtle enough not to happen, you know, to not notice how you do this? That's where the self work come in. So oh, Jill, it might have just hit me that, But I also think they're more nuanced things like you talked earlier about listening big one. Listenings are one because sometimes people tell you a whole lot, so you miss it. One thing I know about myself is that I need somebody to hear what the hell I had said? Okay, that's been on the list a long time within the same relationship, like, yo, did you see you not listening? You know that sounds It's an interesting challenge that and I would say this, it's it's more of a fun and creative and productive challenge for the singles. However, for the marriage, it's an interesting challenge because both parties got to be up to knowing that we're growing. Well yeah that that that part is super tricky because then people then then it's like, okay, well why why are you growing? What is where is this coming from? The comfort thing? That's the thing like and I'll go back to that, like Jill was talking about how like, yeah, you're supposed to be in your comfort zone by then sometimes the comfort zone is the problem. And comfort don't even sound I don't know. You don't want to be too comfortable anyway, Like if don't sound fund it sounds settled, don't be the girl, don't be low key toxic comfort And it sounds comes from that. Relationships and marriage, you know, they make it seem like that, you know that you get to a place where you're settled, and then you guys are just togather forever, hella high water. Don't know what's gonna happen when we're gonna do it together, right. But you know, this is part of the reason why people romanticize old quote unquote old school marriages, because they normalized a lot of things over the years that looked like comfort but they actually weren't working for you. This is what I was saying to you. You just saying what I was trying to say. But you know how you always say things better than me. See, that's what I was saying. With the comfort thing. I apologize. I didn't. I'm sorry. I might have had you might have had triggered a little bit. I apologize, I'm sorry. Sometimes that what I guess, girl, because I was like, but I'm saying, I guess what I'm saying is that like, yeah, like sometimes it's like that comfort zone is actually not really a good place, but you used to it to you just kind of chilling there and you know, you know where everything is, and you know how to get to all the toxic shit. It's right there. The devil, you know, is better than the devil you listen, I pould forgive me, but there's a little bit of that, a little bit of that that that I feel okay about because it's like out in the world, the world is wild, the world. Get out in these streets in this sets, especially if you excuse me for the excuse me, jail for the pun, but excuse especially if if you twenty, you might as well. I don't know what I'm saying. In your relationship is twenty, where is is dopest fucking It's just you think you missed, you know, the whole thing, and I know it's bullshit because whatever why I remember the premises that eight percent of everything between y'all is good. But that is nagging and go after not realizing that you lost. This is what I'm That's that's why I and that's another motivation not to be in these streets. That's what I'm saying. However, right so in in the as you begin to create the list, it have to fit into the eighty Like what if of your list is in, I think it's time to go. I'm not high I'm not high of your list is in brackets to evaluate, right, because also representative of like your once versus your knees, and like could be, could be, could be not so Okay, so here's my thing. Let me let me circle back, because y'all are sharing in the beginning about some stuff that you wanted in the beginning that kind of shifted later or like the elevated later. Okay. When I first got married, I was really really particular about making sure that I married someone who was dependable, who was dedicated, who was um loyal, Like these were like my top things. I saw these kinds of things break down my parents marriage, and so I definitely built my list based on a a lens of labs, so we do, Okay, this is what we do. So I definitely that was my lens all day long, and I felt so strongly about it. It was kind of my mental comeback from people who were like, well, you don't even know yourself, you don't even know what you want yet you're too young. And my comeback was like, look, I've seen what don't work. I'm good. I got this list and he hitting them boo boo boo boo bow and I would actually like to say, in twenty four years, he's always hitting, still hit the list, still hit the list, still okay. I think ow bow bow okay. One thing that I realized that in being in a more intimate relationship with someone for a lot of years is that then you start to kind of recognize some of the more psychological and emotional things that they just did not receive. And it's not really their fault. It's just that everybody's life is their life, everybody's experience is their experience. And then you know, it's the magic word of the day, which is trauma. People have their own individual traumas and working through those things is so when you don't get what you need, a lot of times, it's not tied into the desire of the person to love you. It's in their inability to push past their own personal traumas, you know what I'm saying. So it's just interesting where it's like we we talked about, like are you the good person? Are you doing the work to push past your personal traumas? Because if you're in it and you want to stay there and you don't want to be out in the streets, then you have to consider, like what does it take to actually meet this person's needs because you might not actually have the skill set. It might not be or you just don't want to do it, or that's not part of your personality. We we add a lot of things into personality that just be trauma responses. The person just been through some ship, they on how to do we're learning that now, that's that's the new, in the new new, that's the new new, right, But we all here, so we're we're all experienced in the new new. We might not be. Oh yeah, I mean even in my list making and all that I haven't discovered. Like, you also have to consider things like you may ask for some things, but people may love differently, Like understand that the love may show up differently and not going to show up how you fantasize or romanticize about it. Like I'm just this is actually very new to me. I'm just starting to discover that and that's okay, and discover that that's okay because that romanticized idea you have a love of somebody mirroring what you do, like mirroring the way you look like that I don't know if that's that's a dent real life all the time, but they still love. It's just don't look like yours? Right, Yeah? Is that and that's it's still it's still good luck. That's a toughie. Ah, that's a tough one though, because it's like a thin line between acceptance, isn't it? Is it a thin line between acceptance and settling. Very thin and very very thin line. More real talk after the break. You know, I'm looking at our younger um sisters and counterparts, and I'm I'm like, it just seems that the the desire it's so strong to have somebody who's paid. You know, we've got to have a lot of money. You gotta have a lot of money. You know, you's gotta have a lot of money. And I gotta be honest with you, like some of y'all may not ever get this. And I've said it be for to you know some men who were in that in the stature that I'm talking about, and they were like, please don't ever say that again. Uh, I'm not really moved by rich men. They seem like they feel like trouble to me. They don't. They don't just stereotype the whole genre. I can't and that's not fair to stereotype are all men or or rich men. But I'm just saying that it's it seems it seems like a shallow thing to one initially, it's it does. It doesn't seem like long term happiness because rich don't mean good to you. Well, I don't know if it feels like Okay, so I feel like this is where it gets generational. Let me just say, let me just say this part before the rich part comes in, because that's that's really nice. I like to spend somebody else's money, and I like somebody else to spend their money on me. It feels great. I've enjoyed that in my lifetime. However, I think character goes a lot further than then. Well, yeah, that's why I'm like and be rich. You know what I'm saying. Like, a lot of times people lean on their wealth as a personality trait, and it's not. It's a it's a circumstance. It's a circumstance that you you may have worked for. You might be a trust fund baby, you know we have those now. But um yeah, it's real nepotism happening in the world for brown people now. Like hallelujah, Okay, but sometimes people just rest on the fact that they've got a lot of money and they don't really have a good character. You know, a good character. Um, someone who is is like we said, loyal and a friend. Somebody who who you know, loyal is big because you could cheap major when you've got a lot of money, I mean catch cheap anyway, you know, without it. If your part already is somebody with money, are you that good person looking for somebody good or is you just motherucker looking for a motherfucker with money? Like that means that you're not ready for that good ship, then right, you're ready for the money ship. That's your priority that you go in. That's what that's if that's top, I don't know, y'all, because there's so many I don't know, y'all, because there's so many women out here searching for the good good and having a hard time getting the good good, getting a good person saying that I want someone to have money and min judice wasn't me. Me and ferteen had two quarters between us when we got married. So there's that. But the thing is that you know, by saying I want someone who has money, I feel like it's the addressing somewhat the elephant in the room where it's like, I think some of the young girls are saying, there are some things I want to do in my life. I want to have a certain kind of leisure I want to have. There's certain kind of places I want to go, things I want to do, and I want my partner to be able to do those things. And I think that is not quite saying I need a rich man, but that's saying I need someone to kind of meet the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed. I mean, I feel like it's up fun, it's honest, honest. However, if it's number one on your list, all I'm saying is that cold be not. I'm just saying you might want to push that down a little bit because there are some more important things that are going to be needed in addition to being able to somebody be able to travel like you travel, do the things you do, and be able to like they're inside their character, like what Jill was leading to, that's gonna be more important than all of that ship Like I'm just telling you, I mean I can help you fast forward. I feel absolutely that character supersedes all these and as I totally agree with you. It shouldn't be number one. I just hear a lot of times, a lot of criticism around the way that younger women are like prioritizing, you know, finding and the but and they don't have a time of me on that because guess what I did the same thing is the reason that I'm where it is right now, because I'm like, I wanted the partner and the situation to be what it is. I mean that shot I saw all my sisters now that is rocking then for it isn't single and didn't get there. But that's why I'm just I can show you better and I can tell you That's all I'm saying. Because I got a I have a friend whom his girl is official, you know, they were she's she's well off financially, but she's got a lot of shoes and she's got a lot of bags, but she don't have a lot of books. Like finally, somebody one thing. Putting a learner on your list is a big deal interested in learning. You know, it's a lot of shoes. There's three thousand, thousands, six thousand dollars, you know, twelve thousand dollar bags and fifty dollars. What was the last thing you know that that stimulated your mind that made you want to try something different or or recalculate your thoughts, had that and just have only been to Miami and you're good with that, right, Like that's the thing. And you know, he was like, I can't do it. I can't, I can't do it. And I was like, I really respect he said, she fine, she got money, you know, she she don't need me for anything like that. Sex is great, It's like, but when it comes to the other aspect, the grades in betweens. Yeah, like there's only so much Valenciaga conversation that I should have. Like, yeah, it's really nice. I like that. That's that's that's dope. But I like how you put that together to discuss the shade room. Even the shade room. Stop posting after a minute, what you're gonna talk? You're like, what you How do you even listen to Jade illed out? I mean, zu you even at least, at the very least spend your mind. I'm sorry, but that ship is real. It's so real. You've got to do They want a certain kind of figure. She gotta have this, and she gotta be like that, she's gotta this that, But then you'll be mad when you get mad and she busted you because you ain't asked for the mind to be right. You just wanted that bad as you forgot about the other important part parts of the woman. You might want to check. You know, how does he whomever you're dealing with, how do they handle anger? Because people get angry? How do they handle disappointment? What does that look like? How do they get financial? You know situations? You know there are some people that go off in the in the box in the closet and go sit quiet for a long time. I happen to be one of those people. I will get the hell away. I will get the hellth away of okay, because the process I gotta I gotta draw something, you know what I mean, Like I gotta I gotta custom hours. I got to replant or repot some plants to something. You know, I kind of do something real simple and by myself. And you need to be okay. But I need you to stay over there. Yes, that's important to me that I'm not I don't want to be your everything. See, this is the this is the in between, It's the grave, right because I was gonna say that. I was like, people mostly feel like they're raggedy and that you just kind of have to walk yourself through it and walk them through it, and they got to walk you through it and walk themselves through it. Thinking maybe it's just the willingness to accept that everybody is just kind of consistently evolved you are and so is your partner, and having a sense of empathy in a sense of, you know, welcoming to that change and that transformation and just almost being I don't know, just excited and anticipating it, like what's know about you today, what's going on? Get an to know the person that you with on a consistent basis, because you could discover some things about yourself, to be honest, if you really trying to listen to them about who they are and what they're trying to do. Because a lot of times it's just coming from a super vulnerable place. But then the day people just want to feel safe there. I feel like safety and trust are the number one things. That's why it's like people be having these conversations on the internet about being each other's peace or or women being the neck or some I don't know, what the hell when they be talking what's the thing they talk about? Yeah, oh girl, oh child, when they be talking about women being oh, submitting, and the whole thing is you don't submit and you don't you acting like a man. Yeah, but I think but it's not just him. It's a whole lot of people say this. It's a whole congregation out there talking the same talk, talking that same talk. But what I'm saying is I know what I'm saying. I think it comes from the fact that what people want from each other at the end of the day is that there's a sense of comfort and safety and trust. That men want to feel trusted and women want to feel trusted. Women want to be safe, and men want to be with a woman who feel safe and and they want to be safe too, And like everybody wants this empathy and safety, but we we come up with these things that are supposed to do that rather than just talk to the other individual about saying, hey, what makes you feel safe, what makes you feel heard, what makes you feel trusted? And what do you you know those kinds of things, and how do you define the word trust? Because like I I've always set with that because I'm like, yeah, I'm not really into these roles. I don't want nobody telling me what I'm supposed to do. I want to feel the feeling that I need to feel when I'm in a acting with people, motivation, when I'm when I'm feeling that good feeling, I'm with you in friendship and partnership, sex, love, whatever, When I when I feel that safety and that trust and that comfort. When I feel those things, there's nothing like it. I know when it's happening, and I'm ready to be all I can be. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I have I have another homeboy who he got everything he wanted. Blood stories, really, you know, he made the lists, He made the list, and he got everything he wanted. But unfortunately he's still very attracted to the toxic nature of his ex wife. Was like sex was because the sex was probably popping, yeah, but the rage was trauma. Oh that trauma bonding Yeah, because I was on that one too, Because that's that's the thing that damn never remind me of. Well, Damn, I just got too many stories of girlfriends who skipped out on the good dude and then circle back years later and it's like, dang, I was a good dude, but I was dating a bad boy. It's just it's it's a And there's some guys like that too, where they these girls they think it's they think it's being sexy. They think it's she's exciting. It's like, you know, she's mean and she's like koy, but you know, we'll tear some girl up or you know, it's like it's just too much drama, like people addicted to the drama and that ship that might have been sexy, sexy and so much and and and too you know, creating a list. People have a list, and sometimes it's the list is who who they smashed, but who they intended on smashing one day. Y'all gonna get it yourself, but in the back of a van, you know what I mean, Like they have the ideas like that. I'm not saying that that's what that's the goal saying, but I'm saying that that that they have a list of people. You know, particularly I'm talking about like rich dudes. They're famous people. You know, they have a list and they're like, I want to know what it's hitting for. And I think sometimes it famous dudes and rich dudes are looking for inspiration for a time, and I don't think that that's necessarily a bad thing as long as you know that's why they're there. That happened. I gotta well, you know something, just when viral recently, like it was on Twitter, was blowing up about how, um, several famous wealthy men, they were all white men, all only dated women under the age of and that they went to the list of all of the women that they had dated and all of them were under twenty five, even though these men have continued to get older. So that just made me think about that when you said they're with you for a certain kind of inspiration and for a moment in a season, and then that's then that's it. But at the end of the day, if both parties both are okay with that, then I can't say anything about that. I mean, if that's what y'all with, if that's what y'all into, Hey, I'm not here to police your list, right, so let's be clear about that. We're not We're not here to judge who the hell are we We're not trying to your list. We just think it might be a really good idea to create an evolutionary list, as you go along for your relationships. If you want to be in a committed relationship, you may not. You may not, And there is no judgment here about that. Boot. Boot. If all you want to do is have a really good time and travel the world and spend money and and enjoy and and hand the conversations and then go to hell home by yourself where nobody half your sandwich, okay, then that's just fine, as long as your car and make it something that is not because I've done that. I've done that where it should have just been a good time. And I was like, that's my man. And my mom was like that that is a toy. I was like, now, now it's not a toy. Was like that, it's a toy. Play with it. He told you he was a toy. You're not listening. It looked like a toy, walked like a toy, talk like a toy. But you want to read it like something funny. Thing is he probably told you it was a toy, but you wasn't listening. We'll be back after the break. You might not, You might be. You know, you might not be good for everybody, but good for the person that you're actually spending your your time with maybe sharing at home with or child or um, you know, anything a relationship? Are you good for them and good enough for what you're asking for? Right? This is a tricky, tricky thing here. I feel like we do have a difficult time in our society with value, like deciding other people's value and deciding our own value, like who is worthy of love and who is worthy of of anything. It's more of are you ready to give as much as you are ready to ask for? Balance? So what you're what you're saying is balanced? Right? Yeah? I mean sometimes people ask for things that they're not willing to give. I like it. What's this? The word reciprocity is that it reciprocity like balance, you know, even taking relationship fairness. You want him to be faithful? Can you do that? I had to ask myself, like, I'm sorry I went back to Jill's thing, but that was a serious thing for me. Right Like, at a certain point, it's like, well, you want a man to be faithful to you? Can you do that? Because your last couple of relationships, you know you Okay, I let me work on this, let me work on this. Okay. You may have discovered that you used to be a cheater. Okay, say say it and say it because that's what bitch, because you is all right now change it? Yeah, I love you too, damn it. Beat the it's the bitch conversations, bitch. It's those that you have to have with your own with your own soulf like, bich, how are you gonna ask? Like, bitch, look at yourself, like what you just do the other day, Like that's what you're doing right now? Would you want that to be him doing it to you? Don't this up? Don't do right, don't don't don't, don't don't do that. Come on, You've been asking for this for a long time, right, I'm me all you didn't give you what you you did was give you what you asked for. I'm just saying, like, are you sucking it up? Because that looked good because you had that and that was good when you had it before, and that I should knocked your back out, But you cool you You're satisfied. You satisfied, rainy while you get satisfied. I just want to play. I ain't gonna lie. I just want to play. I want to play a lot. I want to laugh and be silly and I want to play games and I want to run around. And I was like, that's a good one to the I wanna play games like that, you know, I want to I want to grow and learn some ship and have conversations about the things that we learned. And I don't know, I've got everything that I've ever asked for and terrified rag great, what's that about waiting for the ball to drop? Stuff? That's weird? Yeah, it isn't. And you listen, if you look at your life like, well, I already paid for everything on my karma, you know. I feel like my carma is paid up for. So he's like this about time. Shout out the wizzle. It's about goddamn time. It's a bit. I think mine is like, bitch, you're the motherfucker. Get make sure everybody around you understands the ship, particularly yo man, the true motherfucker a bitch, get your ship together. I like that. Assert assert yourself, bitch. That's not like sitting in that cell, sitting in that jail, sitting in that yeah about ready to rock the down chip, everybody rocking every rocky. I got it. I'm sitting in that therapy and I'm like, listen, I've never had everything I ever wanted ever. Girl, congratulate girl, you not even congratulations as it should be. Now what you know? Like now what now? You gotta do the work a little bit. Yes, stuff is happening that I'm not necessarily prepared for, Like, oh, ship, you are so kind you are to not just me, but to everybody. And and not a applause, not because if he is looking snap, not because you're looking to be rewarded. But I have noticed that men do really like rewards. I haven't noticed this girl. Acknowledgements. Acknowledgements is important. Yeah, I kind of. I can't. Friend. I adds a little bit yesterday, like don't tell me that you swept the patio. Don't tell me that again. I saw you. You do it? You so much, Shoan, thank you. I'm doing something. Wow. Mine loves a mission. If I give the mission, it's important, he's the mission is going to happen, understand me. The mission is going down, it's going to get accomplished. Okay, But once it gets accomplished, it's like, what's you're gonna do from what? Hello? Hello, Hello, I did it? Where is my applause? Where's my standard ovation? Where is my ovation something that I necessarily asked for. I didn't because it needed to get done. I did it because you wanted it done. Wait wait wait okay, so wa go Jill. But this goes to this goes to the love languages. This goes to our love languages because although it was not something that you would ask for, and I all praise due to the to my boy, the man in my life, because we did have that conversation early on. Listen my love language. A matter of fact, they all mind, all of them, all of them. Actually, it's just it's really an order what priority. They know, You're right, because some things just are important to people. Like I said, I didn't ask you to do that, but they like, this is how I showed love. So I need you to acknowledge that I showed you that I love it girl, and needed to be done. So it did it. Uh, but that's not but that's not the point though. That's see, y'all sound like ladies. And surely it needed to be done. Surely it needed his perspective, It surely needed to be done, and I did it. So now I want a small parade, and yes, and and then but you know what thought I'm not even gonna lie to you. I personally would appreciate a few more parades in my own I would, So maybe tonight I'll tell for Teine, listen, I'll give you a parade if you give me a parade. It's just gonna be parading and celebrating out this speech. We're just gonna be out here called call somebody and just just talk about me. You this woman here, let me just hear. Let let maybe in the other room real loud, do that. We're alloud. You're allowed. My wife is amazing. That's right, My wife is amazing. But that's the queen. And listen, you might not have never got that parade if you ain't asked. Because I know some of some of us women out there all and men and others, we think that people should just know I'm talking about myself. We think that people should just know what we need because you should just know me because we've been in Yeah, but it's like how you don't know. But sometimes people can't read your mind, Like, yeah, people can't need your mind. You got to you got to, you got to, you got to say it, and so that people can't need your mind. Jill Well I'm gonna say this, I have fifty million things on my brain in any given day. But I'm saying that's why you need to ask for your parade though, And that's why you gotta ask no seriously and then and then you know it's who child Lord have mercycy. And this is why some people opt out, yes, because the ship getting complicated for me, Like, I'm like, wait a minute, Oh, I gotta have an evolutionary list. I gotta share on the list. I gotta listen to your list. CoFe, you're always giving us tips on being better blacks and ship. You know how many books we got? I am? She said, Oh no, be what you're not gonna do is what you're not gonna do is give out homework and not thick. Okay, my soli is thick. I love your ass to the bone, Marrow. Do you hear me? Oh girl? Can you just can you just fun? I love you and say nice things just me feeding tell me pretty sometimes, like me out and tell me I'll pretty in my next life. You know, I've talked about this quite a bit in my you know, to to the creator. I said, hey, look, you know, next time around, I want to be a cat. I want to be a cat in a lovely home with people, with nice people. I'm going about some on my back with my belly out, and every now and then I'm gonna let somebody rub it and I'm gonna enjoy that her. And then I'm going about my business and hide up in a tree somewhere and until I feel like until I feel like doing something else, and then I'm gonna jump real far. You know, maybe your sexual urges will be gone, because you know, I don't see cats doing too much fucking so but that's cool too, Yeah they do unless they get spade. Girl. They trust me. I have a cat. I mean, I mean, I know you got a cat, so a per per. That means that I have a tendency to be selfish. Oh right right, yeah, back in the chair, back sitting in that in that jail, you know, back in therapy, Like, okay, you I have someone that's really wonderful to me. I have to make sure that I'm not a selfish asshole. Yeah girl, you know what. Oh I like this, No, I like this exercise. I like this exercise. I have somebody who's totally dependable and tenacious. I'm a bit of a procrastinator. I can get on top of ship. He can get a task, go do it, come back, tast done, thinking, day chilling yep, as your ass be on the phone doing forever. You know, when you go where you gotta wrap. You gotta wrap the folks. You know, you gotta wrap the people when you're gonna girl, I do, and when I'm not talking to people. Actually, I probably get it faster when I'm talking to somebody because they keep me honest. I'm like, you know, the dog going up when he'd be like squirrel, Yep, that's me too. I'll be cleaning the room, I'll be like, oh, this a nice box of pictures, let me sit down, let me see here, and oh I have been meaning to read this book. Like realizing that your your partner may have traits and qualities that you wanted that you can't catch. Yeah, it's not a rash. That's why you've been getting to my yang dough like you're feeling them guys, like that's feeling these other's gaps. Then that's yeah, little I'm a little jealous, like, damn, that was awesome. You gotta up you did. How much I'm gonna turn over head right now, I'm kind of write it, you know what I'm saying terrible, like who could put up with that? And then I think those things like who is putting up with me? But you know you, Jill, you're not telling us, You're not tell you can't tell us your great stuff there. If he was sitting here, he'd be like, no, but baby, yeah, girl, you do this, You do that. You made me all kinds of feel good. Yeah. And it shows, it shows because he just blooms and blossoms right in front of my face. It is so fire. This evolutionary list thing, it really seems like it doesn't seem like it's something to do. It's something to pay attention to. And as you create a list about what you want in your your life and your relationship, hips, business and otherwise, you also have to pay attention to your yourself and try the thing. You know, having somebody who's completely dependable may sound great, but when you want a booshit and they're trying to be dependable, uh, it's not so great. It's just a balance that all things. I trust this that having a relationship, being in a relationship is never ever going to be All ships and giggles. Ever, there's always going to be some kind of work. And if it's in you and that's what you want out of this life, to share your partnership, to to share your life with somebody, then ultimately, friends, the work still exists no matter how old you get, no matter how long you've been together. Uh fuck and seen that. That's what it is. Friends, I just don't want you to give up on love, that's all. Yeah, And it can't be so much fun. I know what it looks like. I know, I know what it looks like. It looks like. You know, women ain't ship, Men ain't ship, ain't nobody ship. But that's not true. You kind of have to pull away from what was in order to create something new for yourself. And you're gonna have to be a learner, learn how to do something different that you've never done for your greater good. It's up to you to choose what those things are and it's up to you to do the work. We love you for real, like like wal like for real. It's not even a question. We really want you to to have all the things that you want out of this life, the things that truly benefit you, not just your quirks, you know, the things that truly benefit your existence. And that's that's it. That's all we got for today. Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Il the Podcast. That's I don't have it else to say. That's it. Thanks. How do you eat an elephant? One by it time? Hey listeners, it's Amber, the producer of Ja do Ill here. It is hard to know when you're ready for a relationship. There really isn't a blueprint. Relationships are some of our greatest teachers, and you don't need to be perfect, just self aware. I want to share this beautiful article from the Atlantic that has data as well as advice from experts about how to really evaluate when you are ready to jump into a long term relationship and when you jump into one, how to handle it. Hi, if you have comments on something he said in this episode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six nine five four five five, don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il the Podcast. Ja dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.