"My Mamma Said"

00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot Ill, a production of My Heart Radio. Hell Dumb, Love Dumb. Welcome to Joe Scott, says Jacot Hill. My name is Jill Scott, my name is Edea Graydn. My name is Lah st Clair. Who's sup everybody? Today we are going to be talking about what Joe Mama told you about sex. I'm all, I'm ready. I bet you are? I bet you ready? Am I Patty, I'm not. I don't. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you this. My mother absolutely, without question kept it all the way gully. Yes, she was like, there's a difference between screwing and making love, and I hope that you get a chance to do both. Think that well, I must have been about seventeen, okay, But from the beginning I was on the porch. I was a little girl on the porch. Girls have about jin yes, boys have a big as. That was That was that was me. That was me. Did I know what any of that meant? No? But I knew my part, and I knew that nobody was supposed to touch my private places, right, Yes, that's what I knew. That was the beginning. That was just about you know, boundaries, but when it came to sex, she was like, all right, look, do the best you can to do your dirt all by you only if you're gonna date somebody. If ever, you can only date one boy in the neighborhood for life, so be wise if you're going to choose somebody from the neighborhood. Yeah, And she said to watch their els. And she said, a boy, you know I have dirty fingernails. You know, you certainly don't want him, you know, playing playing in your girlfriend and you certainly don't, you know, watch out for hangnails and such. And you mentioned this before. Every time you do this, you make my kushi feel funny. Listen, this is what she told me. She said, watch watch for a boy with a dirty neck if he has If he has a dirty neck, then he probably has a dirty penis. That's what she said, because he's not cleaning himself properly. And if he's you know, ignoring his neck, which is something that can be seen, then you can only assume that the rest is not as clean as a show either. Let me found out the neck is an adolescent precursor to the adult booty when they get up from the toilet and they don't wash their ass. That's like with brown Man, you know, like Ben watched Okay, I'm sorry. You know, sometimes men leave the thing okay because they don't like okay, I'm sorry. And and she said, uh, it was the neck, the fingernails, and she said, watch their gum lines, because if it looks like a guy has a bunch of crud on his gum line, you certainly don't want him to kiss you in the mouth and you and you definitely don't want anybody going down on you with nasty gums. My mother was a dental hygeness, you know, so these things were a part of our sex conversation. That's what the woman saying. That's what the woman. I think that Susan and Joyce may have been killed spirits for lack of about of job, because I didn't tell you that conversation about the about boys don't wash their hands. Because my mother we started out our conversation. She was like, there's such a thing. It's called there's petting, and there's heavy petting. These were my mother's words, heavy. She said, there's petting, and this heavy petting. Now that petting that's over the clothes. She says, heavy petting that under the clothes, she says, now that heavy petting. Let me tell you something. Boys don't wash their hands after they pee. They don't wash their hands before they do anything. They're nasty. She said, I know that little vagina is calling out to the world. I want to be happy, I want to be touched. But just remember that boys don't have the same type of habits that you've got. So she told me how early on, like when I first started getting my cycle and was really starting to she thought I would probably be having little feelings and this, this, that and the other, you know. But she was really really, really like forward about all that stuff. The only thing she didn't talk about and I would say, this, go ahead to your mama, because my mom we have a conversation about oral sex. So I was a little older, definitely older older about that particular one. But she was also very open about her experience ass and how she you know, grew as a woman in her sexuality and just how um she didn't really know a lot because of the you know, some experiences she had when he was she was young that were traumatic. And then she also talked about, you know, what are some unhealthy habits in men around affection and sentence that I should be looking for, you know. So she would talk about things like, you know, just how men respond in intimate settings, you know, just to be very cognizant of men who are very possessive around, you know, after after you've been intimate with them, or even beforehand. She was like, you know, just watching it because the intimacy makes that worse. And she was like, you know that thing, you've got that drive that, you know that thing. They might already have a you know, predisposure for some craziness. You give them the happy bobs and they lose their whole. These are some amazing conversation. It's so funny. I don't know if it's the weird or what, but I cannot remember having a conversation with my mom about sex until maybe after I got pregnant the first time in my mind, which was the year after I first started having sex, but when I started having sex at fifteen years old, and I was a junior in high school and my boyfriend was a senior, and I remember I went to his prom and he was my first and I made sure I had sex before I went to the prom. But I remember when my mom tells the story back, because I was supposed to come home that night, but I didn't because you know, we went to the hotel. But my mom tells the story back and she's like, yeah, you know, I knew, like it was out party and doing stuff like that. I didn't think that she was like at the hotel, so she I don't know if she it was. I feel like I got I wish she was here because I was like, I feel like it wasn't until the next year when I was having sex with this guy at Howard because I went to high school to call the street um that. I feel like that's when we really started getting into our sex talks, and then that's when we started taking the birth controls and things of this nature. I hid my face. Oh I hid my face for I managed to get back, or about a day and a half before my mother looked me in my face and was like, I was like, oh no, but I knew she was gonna see it. I knew she was going to see it. So she called me out on the porch and she was like, so you are having sex now? And I knew that this was the question, but I shook my head no and answered yes, yes said well, are you using condoms? That's what she said, quote unquote condoms. Thought that was funny, but I better not laugh. I was like yes. She was like, okay, are do you feel like it? And I shook my head though I was like yes, like like that I did. I knew that I would, though I knew that I was the first time. Jill um, Yeah, I didn't like the first time. Y'all didn't have a sense of pain. I remember a little a little bit of pain and resistance because well, the first guy that I was would cared about me, I know, so it wasn't it was. It was my boyfriend too. But I just thought that because that place had never been entered before. I told that hurt. Be clear, to be clear that that hurts. But initial was like the initial, this is what she's been talking about. And I, you know, I said to myself after I said, okay, you know I tried it and I'm not gonna do that again. And about about two weeks later, I was a hot cat humping on the door like I want to do that again and again and again and again and again and again and again yep, yep, yep, until ten years later and talking that ship y'all. Who oh if you was having an orgasm as a teenager, I am going to fight like there's no I don't remember that. I just need you to understand what she didn't want you to understand my mother, the conversations that it started with, there's a difference between making love and screwing, and she she, oh God, please don't kill me, mom Um, I'll never forget. This is actually a highlight. I was sleeping, minding my own business, and I wake up and my mother is on her knees in front of my face by the bed, and I you know how you can feel when somebody's looking at you. So I opened my eyes and my mother's like, she says, can you see yes? Can I see what? And she goes, she goes like this, that doctor blah blah blah is a wonderful I love her. I just love her. There was I could see in my mother when she had been you know, screwing, and when she had made love. I could see the difference in her. That's interesting. And we would have these conversations over man of Chevits in the basement, listening to Millie Jackson. So I had a pretty good idea the difference between the two Jackson. She said that screwing was about you, Screwing is about you. Make love is about the two of you, and making love is so so so much better in her opinion. So I had a pretty good idea of what that was. And then I'm gonna say that I was pretty aware of my body and I knew what pleased me. So I would, you know, actively search out that thing that place so that I could experience that I wanted that often. And then I found out that there were many different kinds. I was about to say, because I feel like as a as a young person, I definitely knew how to these self satisfy myself. But even in you know, it's a whole coming versus orgasm thing. So but the orgasm part still came later, even though the coming part we're doing too technically that makes sense. Listen, this is grown folk conversation. It's intended to be. This is conversation to spark conversation. Just in case, if my chance, you're listening to j dot Illen, you don't know why we're telling you and talking to you and talking amongst ourselves, you know about what it means to live. We're living and existing and learning and sharing. So yeah, I think I had a sense of and maybe not had the language, but I definitely feel like I had a sense of the difference between like intimacy and just kind of having sex to relieve, you know, to relieve myself. I don't know if that's the right word, but but my day. But the difference in that actually came from my dad, believe it or not, something that my father told me. My dad was kind of like, and he told me in a very male black boomer way, So this is not romantic what he said. You know what I'm saying, and it's a little bit off subject, and I kind of got what he meant. He said to me. He was like, you're just like a guy. You're gonna want it, You're gonna have your reasons, and you're gonna do whatever whatever. He was like, men and women are not really that different. He was like, you know, he said, but my thing with you is if you just got the feeling and you need to get rid of that feeling, then just make sure that in your mind you understand that's what that is. He said. What I see a lot of women do is they attached their rest of their actions as an aftermath to them just kind of doing what they have to do for their pleasure kind of thing. He was like, this is where you became this is where I became him because he was like, because my dad was in a lot of ways. I mean maybe you know, sorry to anyone who was in a relationship with him at the time, but the point is that, you know, he he was just kind of like that, you gotta be able to know the difference. Baby, you can't be attaching all the activities of being some body's woman to somebody who you just getting your thing thing from. Can we please cue the hand clapping. I need to him cheering and hand clapping like you're in a stadium right now. So that changed my life because I was just kind of like, well, it wasn't him giving me permission to go have a bunch of teenage sex, but he was just basically saying, I'm not gonna be able to stop you from and what you want, and I'm just saying what I don't want to see as my daughter out here playing herself. That's what that was in his mind, where he was thinking, like, you know, you dedicate those emotions in that time and energy to somebody who's not just there to service you sexual and his words were, don't be out here right nobody resume and driving him around in your car and then you know that's where he you know. But I, as I got older, I understood what he meant. He just like, you know, there's a difference between those two things. He you know, he didn't have the language to say intimacy and making love and all that. He was just like, listen, don't let it. Don't as he told me this to my father told me this word for word, don't be letting no niggers sleep at your house. Don't let him leave his stuff at your house. Don't ever. And my dad told me these two things explicitly. Now, ladies, all ladies, my dad told me these two things explicitly. He said, never let a man know that he can get a meal at your home. So when did you When did you first cook? For time? Because I'm like, so when do you cook? Then he said he also said this, he said, don't ever spend a dime on a man who's not your husband. Uh, I don't know that. I'm trying to tell, oh, listen, what I'm saying to y'all, I'm not telling y'all not to sift through it. This is old black man talk. This is this is the thing y'all gotta y'all come now, this is old black man talk. You're not gonna agree with all love it, but let's let's maybe try to unpack it a little bit. What he said about the food is that my dad always had a thing about a man should be able to feed himself. A man should be able to take care of himself. If he believes that he can get his essentials from me, you what services he to you in your life? You don't want a man that can come up with his own meal, who expects to eat on your dome, who expects to eat in your home. It's one thing if you say, hey, come over, so I may make you a meal. But it's another thing for a man to show up at your doorstep around dinner time and think he about the city of the table to church music is huh, I was and shouting at something. And the thing about the money was that my dad, believe it or not, my father was an attractive man and he had a lot of relationships over the years. Some were legit, and some of them were opportunistic, and so he basically was telling me, he was like, look, your husband, that's where you make a financial commitment to in terms of you're spending out of your wealth. He was like, that's that's the person who deserves that, that person who you feel is in a partnership with you. Otherwise he owned his own what he needs you to buy him something for? What for? Huh, It's just I just wanted to give me. Yeah, that's so wonderful. But it was interesting. A lot of those things shaped to my early thoughts, a lot of right now, Ricky Ricky was a mess though. I love my father, I really do. He dropped a few gems on me. I will not lie, but he he talked real straight, very straight with me. So though that kind of hardcore talk about men and sex actually didn't come from my mom, and he actually came from my dad. I love your father and I appreciate him so much, and I love this message real rag. I feel like we have just listen not I mean, I'm gonna say we because I was here for it. I'm gonna say a John, I feel like listen, I'm trying to I really feel like you just saved a whole rack of women, a whole lot of trouble, a whole lot of trouble, you know what she think. I do believe. I'm sorry I was slow to it, but I do see your father's point. Now I'm starting to think, oh I did give away some things. Maybe that's why I never had a husband, you know, That's what I was thinking. I was like, what have you never had a husband? But then like, yeah, I was like, oh man, that's why you never had a husband because she was doing these things. Okay, thanks daddy. I don't think. I didn't think either is linked to each other. I think it's more so about the quality of how you interrack with with people, what you get from it. So you may not end up getting married, but you know, it's just about kind of feeling and understand how you're gonna move and how you feel when it's all over if it does come to a close. You know what I mean, It's like, you know, what did I what did I invest in this? And do I feel okay with that? You know? And so that that was I think where he was coming from. Where it's like, you know what you invested in if you feel okay with it, If you're okay, if you can sleep at night, if you don't feel like somebody tried to play you or somebody did play you. That can put you in a box of just not not believing in yourself, you know, searching for something that you know may or may not exist. I think that you just saved a lot of people. I'm I'm so excited. I'm so excited. But then you slip aside it too. Don't bring your baggage to because I also was thinking. I was like, man, but you also don't want to be dwindled down who you are as a person when it comes to like you're giving and your love. You know what I'm saying, because what can happen is too is you because you're one of those people. And then you're like, well, you know what the next time, I ain't gonna get this ship so easily. But I don't know. It's like a weird but you know, enter into my mom honestly, for real, My mother was My mother was the opposite of that. And that's why I took a little bit from each of them, because my mother would say, hey, I will never allow someone else's inability to love me to dictate how I choose to love. I have to be true to myself. So I think that that's really what I is saying. It's like, you gotta be true to yourself, even down to the bearer kind of rawness of sex. You have to be true to who you are in that space, you know what I mean. So she did used to say that too, you know. For me, I would say how I took both of those things was that my dad always talked real kind of tough like that, so I always knew I'm like, all right, Dad, Like I got part of that, you know what I mean. But I think for me, it was just more so about I got to know what I want and be clear who I am going into the situation. If just just sex, it's just sex. If I'm invested emotionally, I'm invested emotionally. But I gotta keep it one hundred with myself and be honest with myself. I don't always have to announce that to the other person. I just allow who I am to dictate how I move and food be told. I told my daughter this a week ago. She's eighteen, and I was like, and I've had some really row conversations with her, and I basically said, listen, always ask yourself the proper questions, says, and whatever you're doing from that moment on, let your actions reflect the answer to those questions. Word, don't be out here lying to yourself. If you want this dude and you want him to be your man, don't be sitting up there acting like you really don't want them like that. Don't lie to yourself like that, because here's the funny thing that he knows you're lying. And every time every day you stay in that knowing that you want that, and you allow him to say that, he doesn't. Every day you stay, he knows you stay in a day into a lot, and he loses respect for you every single day. Pretty what y'all think about this one, because let that it's Let that let that resonate. Listen. That is like, it's the rules of engagement. And I think that this information empowers a lot of women. Empowers a lot of women. These are the things that our mother said, you know, when it comes to sex. We talked about cleanliness. We talked about the difference between intimacy and screwing, because there is a huge difference. And we talked about the wise of having sex with someone like why, you know, the important questions who why? And what's the other important question? Who why? And there's well more and for what for and for what? I admit though many times, especially when I was young, those things that always click now coming out, Oh you know, say, but you still gotta figure out how to get to it right. But these young women are a lot smarter, you know, than than I think they know. And if they have the tools, then they can make better choices. I'm not saying that they will, I'm just saying that they can. Because this is this is game, baby, This is this is game. That all of that is game. Hold on, you know, and when you hold the cards you really can't you can win up to you. I love it so on the hold the cards thing. I know. For the longest, my mom has always said to me, you know, there's nothing wrong with him loving you or being in this just little more than you are. You are. My grandma said the same thing, which I've been chasing for a minute. Because I love hard. So even when you try to consciously go in and put you're a little bit of pull back after it doesn't work. It doesn't work. I get why. Our generation of parents told us that, but and along run it. It doesn't work, It doesn't. Here's what my grandmother said. My grandmother said that the man is supposed to hunt. He's supposed to hunt. You're not the hunter. He's the hunter. So no matter what it is that you're doing out here trying to find your mate, your mate is going to find you. And it's up to you. Just like with the lions and maybe put yeah, back to put Just like with the lions mating in Putona, it's up to the lioness to decide if she's going to take him or not. And if he steps in correctly, she's gonna smack the funk out of him and have him bleeding on the face, going, you know, and then he's got to try again, and this time it's gonna be a lot gentler. This time it's gonna you know, he's gonna think more than react. See, this is why bumble don't feel natural. That's why what bumble the app that you're the dating app where the woman has to make the first move, that's why they don't feel natural. Well, I don't know, I know, I got a girlfriend right now. Her man she loved him dearly. They met on that app day. Yeah, that lovely couple. Yeah, I know a couple that meant on Black people meet that in the last two years. Yeah, people said, because it's a lot of uncles over there. Okay, I know somebody got married off. Okay, cupid. Hey, I think I can't call it. But because I've been married twice and divorced twice and I only got one more in me three time after that, and I don't want to think about after that. I don't really want to claim after that, after that, after that, it's just no. I mean, I crossed all my bridges when I reached them. I feel like my mom and the other women in my life because let me just bring that up too, because I had Hella aunties. My aunties used to go hard, like my aunties went in on me, so I knew a lot of stuff from them too, So I want to make sure I picked them up. But I feel like I was pretty like informed going into my early twenties and particularly for that time for me being married. Oh, I gotta tell this story y'all real quick, because I didn't my grandmother y'all. My grandmother was a g for real. And I saved this because we were talking about grandmothers in another episode and I said, no age to hold that, hold that for the sex episode says and it was hard. But my grandmother, Yo, she had a man. Her man was Murray, right, and we all used to be you don't thought it was funny, like you know, my grandmother got a boyfriend. He had a little pork chop side burns child Cadillac. Murray was that beast so and then Christmas time Murray would buy all the girl grandchildren cabbage. Yes, Murray had money. Child could listen real cabbage pack. It's my girlfriends our babysitting. My girlfriend's all right. So so yeah, always when I made had conversations with my mother about their sex life. Now mind you, my mother admits this to me way later. Okay, but anyway, fast forward to my grandmother. I'm getting married. When I said I was getting married, everybody was like tripping. My grandmother was very much in support of this. Monana comes to me right before my wedding. She said, maybe come in let me talk to you for a sheet because okay, she said, listen, that's what I want you to do. She said. Later on tonight, after you get to the hotel. I want you to fuck his brains out, I promise you. My nana said them words to me on my wedding day. Was there nothing following, and I want you to She dropped that and walked away like a g it's she serious? You know what for you? Grandma? Well, so, no, y'all know what I did, right. You know what I had to do. I had to snitch. I was kill mom. I'm like mom, And so she started laughing. She like child, listen, I could tell you something she hadn't told me about her and murray, that will wear you out. She said, you're not even ready. I'm going for you to get married, Joe. I know things about my nana's sex life that no grandchild should know. But yeah, that that was wild stuff. And I knew, I knew the stock in which I came from. Come that day, I said, Oh, okay, knock him out. Box out the box, read knock him out, I said, I said, baby, My nanna said, my nana had said, oh that night you told him to stop to knock it out the box. You're ready girl. That we always joke about that. We got pregnant that night. He talked about I knew I got you pregnant that night, Minnesota trifeless. I hate boys. Boys are so terrible. Oh, I know I got you pregnant that night. Girl. I love him a hot miss, miss mom, I'm missing mine. Oh look at you. I heard you niggers. Okay, I'm sorry. Everybody set up a little different on that conversation. Yes, just something. Yeah, so yeah, Mama taught me stuff more real talk after the break. I know that I don't know Vanessa del Rio, you know, but she has to understand wherever she is. I just want to thank you for being like a sexual mom in a way part of the show at this point. You know that I talked about her so much, like I really really appreciate that she knew what she wanted to do and she did it without It didn't matter to her about anybody's opinion. She's lived the life that she wants and I don't know what the repercussions are. You know, I'm still The book is like seven hundred pages, so you know, I'm still reading, and I have to hide it because there's pictures in the book, so I gotta, you know, find a spot to be by myself, you know, to make sure nobody walks in on that, because the pictures are quite something. But nonetheless, like I feel like she she said, without saying, this is good, This is healthy. Sex is fun, Michael, and you should you should go ahead and and and and get yours. Just wrap it up. Just yeah, yeah, yeah, get it. Not not not having somebody get you, but you get what you want and need out of this, and let me ask you aspreciate it. I feel like for the most part, we seem to have had some not necessarily sexually repressed adults around us. But I saw a post on social media recently when they were talking about women kind of pushing back at a lot of the messaging they get from spiritual spaces and particularly around like church and places like that, where you're like, look, if you stay pure and you do this and do that that you're gonna find this this mate, that's gonna be great for you. And a lot of times that doesn't work out, and they feel duped around conversations they've had about and the link between the sexuality and her morality. And I don't know, I mean I wasn't raised around peethns. I mean people were definitely spiritual, went to church and all this different stuff when I was growing up, But there was still a normalized conversation around the fact that, Okay, you probably will do this before you get married. But that's probably why because you probably didn't grow up in this trade. I know I didn't. I grow up in more of a spiritual situation. We might hit church once every other month or so. But they are my family. My mother used to be Muslims, so she always claimed, you know, spirituality. But I think those that are in a more strict situation, that's and that kind of comes into ye like when their mother they told him nothing. It's just like, don't don't have sex, don't do that. And I see I've seen that. I mean, I know of fifties seven, fifty year old virgin. You know we also fasks. Yeah that too that you don't know that y'all set them kids loose than the world. Yes, And you didn't give them any insight into what sexuality means and the cost of it. You didn't prepare them in any way, shape or form. And they went off to college and came back, you know, scratching, burning, or pregnant or all. All of them you didn't prepare. You didn't prepare them. It's important that they know, you know what's going on and how to navigate, you know, their own sexuality. Yeah, I think it's hard not to make kids scared, you know. I think I'm going to tell you that my mother showed me the Encyclopedia of Anarial Diseases. It was one and it's like there absolutely still is a very thick book full of all kinds of venarial diseases with very graphic photos. My mom didn't show Guess why I saw it. I saw it because we used to have to take sex thead and when we had that book of that nine seventies book, the thick one where showed everything from like pictures like not even drawing sex at it girls high at the time. But it was primarily the parts. It wasn't the action, you know. It was just like I had like the weirdest childhood ever. Because I promise you, I just want to shout out to miss Carr, who was my gym teacher in primary school. Teachers always a sex teachers, hilarious. She was my gym teacher and school and when we got to fifth grade, I want to say either fifth or sixth grade, which was the time where they assumed all the girls would be having their cycles. They sent a letter home and said, hey, you can sign a letter if you want your child to take sex it and my mother signed it and I went. And when I was in sixth grade, not high school, not middle school, sixth grade was when I learned about session transmitted diseases, pregnancy, how you get pregnant, the parts of your vagina, your uterus, all of that. Learned all that before I went to even before I went to middle school. They got to bring it back. I'm sorry. I was sorry paper in two point two second because most of our parents had the joy of sex book too. Did your your parents had that joy of sex books? Mom? Yeah, yeah, I remember sneaking and reading it. I'm I'm really still in shock. And there's no sex education in schools. There's some music either. Lets you go to music school, like it's really really nuts, and them taking out physical and you know, Jim, there is no Jim teacher, so there's no sex as like as you're taking out cooking. You know, remember shop shop That's how I learned how to make snooker. Secret doodle just snecret okay, and shopping. We made the cars, remember the little try the triangle cars with the to the race cars. Hold on, I was I was a bit of a delinquent by the time we got to that class. He was a too much busy pimping in the hallways. I'm sorry. I should have never told you all about my secrets. So that's the thing where you try to share your secrets with people and then they want to throw that back on here every time. Well, I'm just gonna tell you that that is what happens. That is exactly what happens on this planet. You think, you think you're trying to share youthing or help somebody else, because you you come to an understanding, it's gonna get thrown in your face like crazy. All right, y'all did your mama What was the first conversation you had with your mama or an elder woman in your life about oral sex? And I ain't talk about him going down on you. That was a conversation I did not add, I don't. I mean we talked about I don't even know. We talked about I'm just reever telling my girlfriends. Remember I told you, I remember being the first one. It was you know, ninety three. But I think so some things are just some things have to be conversations with girlfriends. It's not a mama conversation. You're having them conversations with your kids. Asia, what about all sex? Yeah? What? What? What? How do you do that? What's to talk with the the goal and the conversation to be better or to you know, I think the main thing is about them understanding that you can contract a condom on because that's that you can contract that way, that there are condoms that don't have sperms out on them that are specifically for that. But then also to the conversation around just the fact that certain things are associated with intimacy, right, and so there is a thing to consider about how you get to intimacy. So for me, it's not just a conversation just about oh, this is the thing that people doing sex, let's talk about it. It's like there's something that happens in a sexual experience where you land in a certain place, and so it's important for me to have a conversation about well, how how how do you think someone lands at that form? So more too, like when does that person deserve that? Like when not when is that something you desire and that's something you are doing for response and reaction? When are you doing something because that is something you desire sexually. So there's a real kind of conversation about the pathway to certain experimentation as it comes to sex. Because one thing about women is that we do have a lot of things that we're willing to do sexually that have nothing to do with something we desire. It's like I gotta keep it fresh, or I gotta keep it hot, or I gotta be like this woman or that woman, or they talked about it. This is what girls are doing. And so in order for him to think I'm sexual, I gotta do that. So to me, I wanna kind of erase that thinking and say, let's recenter your needs. So a lot of times with my girls, I talk about recentering your needs, and I talked about this with you with my boys too, about life, every environment and you go into you have to remember to recenter your needs, not in a selfish way, but in a self awareness kind of way. So that's the thing was like for me, It's like, yeah, well you know, and I'm not trying to say that every conversation is appropriate for a young girl. But I do think that it's important that if your kid possesses even a fraction of that language outside of their interaction with you, is your respon autability to address it. And it is likely that your kids have this language way before you're ready to admit that they do. As it's a deep breath and then you tell the truth, you know, as much as possible, because when did you really start liking giving oral sex? As that's so interesting that you say that, because it's so valid. It's like, when did you really, as a woman start enjoying giving oral sex? It wasn't initially, it was its usually is it right at the moment when you start no? Uh, well, my mother said two things she said now that I think about this. One was not everybody can go? Not everybody can go? And so what was the other thing? Probably something really really important, but not everybody can can get that. That's not for everybody, just like you know, for our young men, not every You're not supposed to have your head between everybody's legs either, you know. So that's that you all realize that that though that may be our own personal value, that also to even that is indicative of a very kind of specific value around sex and sexuality. There are some people who look at at that as it's just another part of the sexual act, and that placing so much importance on it then kind of continues to perpetuate this idea about what is right, proper, moral, what is what makes you a good girl? And xual bag in this conversation, and we're still in a very headeral bag, we are a lot of it. Who's to say, your pleasure can be wrapped up in any number of different things. So it is so at the end of the day, you gotta you're I'm always thinking with young people it's about helping them to understand that it's always about a conversation with yourself, discovering who you are, what your needs are, and being focused on that so that the person who you are with is clear that that's what this is about to a degree, not in a selfish way, but just that knowing yourself helps you to know that person also you know what I mean and be a fair and equal partner and what's happening no matter what the outcome of that situation, whether it's a relationship or it's just an exchange of sexual energy, Like people just you know today, my physical mother told me that not everybody can get it. My horn mother the great finess, don't she taught me to mother. Yes, she taught me that you are supposed to orgas on from everything that you do, and if you're not getting leisure, then you should not be doing it. It's it's a pleasurable act, right, and if it doesn't please you, then this is not what you should be doing or who you should be doing it too. Yes, porn mother, fair enough? Yeah, I agree, I mean, I agree. I don't think I'm doing my kids any any favors from dealing and respectability because respectability greature. And I don't want my kids to go silent on me and I don't want to erase them in my mind consciousness. So that's that's not I'm not interested in that, right. It's not going to help you or them to to be silent because you're trying to be morally correct or prudish or whatever it is. I don't know. You can throw a thousand glossy verse on it. Your children are going to have intimacies, they're going to have sex, They're probably they're going to fuck somebody. They are to me all these parents just but it's true, and the better you prepare them, the better off they will be period period and they won't go jack up somebody else's kid. Yeah, how about that? How many? How many young men were never they were taught to get it, you know, by any means necessary, go out and get it. How many men in general have messed up a relationship with a great woman, you know because they were just trying to get it. They didn't stop, they didn't think, they weren't present, They just trying to do it. And that's it. You know, that happens. It happens quite a bit, and it's a shortcoming. Quite frankly, that's my opinion. I agree, because as a human being, you're missing out on so much. Yeah, you can screw, but be up from be clear about what it is, that why you're here. And then with the information that you gave Agia, it's it's teaching young women and my age too, don't just assume because you're having sex with somebody that it means more than what it actually does. You're getting some stress relief, and I think it's important to add this to the mix. Added one and four women will experience some sort of sexual assault. Yeah, and so there is trauma around sex, and many times these things happen in young women's lives and young men's lives and their parents don't know. So the conversation their parents are having are not from the lens of that my kid could have been already victimized or will be in the future. So I think that normalizing conversations around sexual trauma also is really an important part of helping your children to be free in this space and free themselves in those spaces, because as we all know and have discussed in other places in this podcast, that we can carry those things into our adult life and they can affect our relationships for the whole time that we're here. So you know, if the key is to have this really healthy kid, you gotta be open to that's a human and that that human will come in contact all kinds of different experiences people and know many things about themselves, so you know, you gotta be ready for all that. And again, there are three women on this podcast, and all three have been sexually assaulted. I will say that is one of the things that my mother told me about sex is after I was sexually assaulted, she said she know unfortunately, baby. She was like, this is something that most women go through and that was an interesting moment. I was like, the hers was date on our date. You know, everybody has a story, So you're right, we gotta have these conversations, right and honestly, and I have not had this experience before, but I think it's important too. And this is probably a whole another conversation, but in the black community, like how we have conversations about sexuality and sex with our children who are queer or a l g B t Q. So I think that's really important as well, because I feel, like you said, you put the nail on the head. We're coming from very heater resexual lands today and obviously that's our experience, so we should speak on what we know and not on what we don't. You know what I mean. But I think if you're talking about what your mom told you, or you're kind of functioning in a mothering space, which all of us have, those of us who have biological children, those who of us who don't, bottom line is that you're doing plenty moothering. And the idea here is that we know that all kids are different, and all young people are different, and they're going to be different adults. They have different experiences with sexuality and with sex and only I'm sorry, go ahead forgive me. Oh no, no, no, just just if that's your only space, if you're if you're only ready and open to talk about one particular kind of experience, then that is a form of silence in that person and raising that person. So you gotta be really aware of that. And that's something that you know that even I'm still trying to, you know, wrap my head around as well. And this is where the village comes into play, because you know, I can only speak on the things that I know, and they have experience. And you know, this is when you you pull in anto, your uncle or homely friend, whatever the case may be, to have a conversation that you're not prepared to have because you just don't know. But they need to know. It's important that we send our children out into this world armed as well, armed as possible. I do wish I had your Dame. I do wish your dad told me you know the rules of the age. I mean that right there. I hope somebody you know, can you can replay this and listen to that again. I should have stopped and say hey, hey, get your pen and your paper, get your get your phone out, and Jack's down in your notes. Like these these things are super important because damn it, life will take its turns it certainly, Well, we all bring our stuff with us, you know what I mean, and along with our baggage and and lie you said it perfectly, along with our baggage, but we do also bring our intentions are good intending and it's a very human space and vulnerable space to talk about these things, and particularly with young people. And if we embrace that vulnerability, I just really think we're gonna be in a great position with them. If you tell positioning with young people like I know what I'm yeah, you know, then if people couldn't see my face the positioning like I know, I know what I'm talking about from I know everything about you don't know. Yeah, you're gonna You're gonna turn them away from you, and they're not. I'm gonna talk to you. And you need them to communicate, and they need to hear your voice, and they need to hear your villages voice as well. You get to choose as a parent, who do they talk to? You know? For uh far as adults are concerned now when it comes to kids. Kids, you know, they get a lot of information too, and a lot of that stuff trash, yes, grass, And you certainly do not want the fourteen, thirteen, twelve year old girl who has been sexually assaulted in her own home to talk to your kid about what sex and sexuality means because she she doesn't, she doesn't have the same mindset that you will as dangerous thing. But sex is beautiful and it is healthy and important part of our lives. And I'm grateful for the things that my mother shared, uh and grandmother shared with my mom. And I'm hoping that your mother's out there and your daughters remember to to share with with our young guns, our young guns, because they need us and our boys do too. We'll be back after the break. Coming up next on the show What's on Your Heart an occasional segment where we're check in with people we respect about how they're really feeling. How do y'all? I think that's somebody calling. That must mean it's time for what on? What a pleasure? With a pleasure? We have somebody on? Hello, Hello, Hi liya? Can you explain who is up here with us? Right? Now, well, of course I can explain. We have the creator of the Black Mom's Blog. She also is the writer of the book that You Need called Oh Sis, You're Pregnant, The Ultimate Guide to Black Pregnancy and motherhood. And my favorite thing that she does is sending folks on retreats. Yeah, she has created the ultimate retreat with the self Care Retreats. Ladies and gentlemen, tell us tell everybody who we have on the line today. Thank you all for having me. My name is Snisha Boswell. I'm like, how do I follow up the introduction? She hit? She hit all the points. I am the creator of Black Mom's Blog, where we talk parents and culture and lifestyle from a black mom's point of view. We are a global community of more than five hundred thousand wonderful, wonderful women from all over the world. I just wrote a book. It is an Amazon best seller, Oh Sister Your Pregnant. Yes, it's a Black Black What to Expect when You're expecting. And I also have a retreat company which I just finished doing work for. We have four retreats to summer three and shamake that in one in Columbia coming coming. That's it. I think I think you need three whole listens. Well, I think you need you just need the one. You just need the one one for every I know that's right. I got him, y'all, I got him. But yeah, thank you for having love it, Ben Tastic. I appreciate so much that you saw the need, because, right, you have what to expect when you're expecting, you have Joe Frost, you know, the nanny or supernanny, you know. But to to see that there was a need and to address it being a mom is hard. Now throw in being an African of dissent mama, there's a lot to deal with and a lot that is misrepresented. I agree, and I think for me it was also like where my mama's at? Everybody Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama at heart, great auntie, I know all that. Yes, so you know, I have my daughter at twenty three years old, and everything that I read online or I saw it was like the oh, my belly is getting bigger, and my feet are spreading, my nose is spreading. But there wasn't anything that spoke to me as a black woman. And I'm like, Okay, how do I talk to black women about empowerment using their voice, but then those very real conversations about like what do I need to talk to my O B about how do I pay off my student loan? Dead um Anthony Hamilton's has a part in the book where he wrote a letter to black fathers, empowering them and telling them what it's like, because y'all know, being a black parent in this world is not just the typical conversation of oh, I'm happy one day that child is going to be an adult, and so how do we talk to our kids about that? And then just motherhood in general, how do I get my groove back? Because I'm a sexual being, right, and that what got me man. So I can't stand that part of motherhood that we act like sex doesn't exist and it's not a real thing. But I mean, come on, what we what were we doing when we got pregnant? Right? Hello? Hello? I hear a lot of black mothers in particular say I live for my children and I crazy. I think, so true, it's crazy, girl. I wish they could have sing your look the look on your face so Connie, because the hair got pushed back and the face went no, no, no, no, we don't scare that. He you hear that a lot. What's the remix to that. That remix is there is a separation between motherhood and womanhood, and you cannot forget your womanhood. It is not the same because my my belief is I don't live from my daughter. I live for myself, and she benefits from saying a happy, healthy and well rounded mother. I teach her about peace, I teach her about self care now because at the same time, when we're talking to moms all day long about find your pieces, do this, how will your children are running around the house like like they're crazy. Okay, you can't do that. And so once again, like we said earlier, like a part of me teaching my daughter about anything is teaching her about her self worth and understanding that a big part of her self worth is understanding who she is and why she needs her A long time before I got on this call, we just had a whole thirty minute conversation about hygiene and taking care of her body because of how she shows up in the world and so not to divert but going back to that, yes, there is a huge difference between who I am as a mother and who I am as Shanisha. I'm a whole person. And I'm thirty two years old, you know, and so a large part of my audience is their millennial moms. And I'm like, you're not old, you're young. You still like to go out with your friends. Don't feel guilty about that, but handle your business so that you can do it in peace and comfort without the worry of you know, Oh my god, I gotta, you know, figure this out so you know all of all of what I do. And that's why I have to retreat company because I was seeing all these women. Majority of my attendees are mothers, but a lot of them are just women. And I'm like, Sis, come on here and let's let's let's gain some truth so that when you leave here you know how to go home and know that you're still a person that deserves some love, attention, respect and care from those around you. You're not just a mama. So we talked about that in the book. I think it's so fabulous that we're getting to this point where we're starting to really be super clear about separating these roles and being really intentional about how we treat ourselves as women outside of the role of mother. But I think, you know, what's really kind of fascinating about, you know, just kind of about this point of view that you're that you're talking about, is that you know, it's just really about being seen. I was like, women have a hard time being present and seen in the room, and so all the different things and over the years have made it harder for us to be seen in motherhood. Although it's a beautiful thing, it can be a thing that tends to overshadow who you are as an individual. And a lot of mothers are not saying we're afraid to take up We're afraid to take up space exactly. We're so afraid, we're afraid to be loud, because what do they call you when you're when you're allowed black woman, They call you ghetto, they call you unworthy, they call you they we just have all these say sassy, angry, And it's like, how many times did I say this quietly before anybody cares? And now that I'm now that I'm roaring, Now I'm the problem. And so for a lot of us, like we're afraid to take up space simply, like simply and in the motherhood community, I used to say that, you know, I'm a mom blogger, That's why I started off so many other things, but I started off as a mom blogger. And what I was seeing was I felt like all I were mothers, like white women, and then the black women were like white women with brown paint pord on top. They still weren't black, you know. They were like, I'm just trying to trying to squeeze into this little you know, this little, this little category. And I was like, no, I'm going to create a platform called black Mom's Blog. And everybody was like, why would you do that? Why would you? Why would you isolate yourself in that way? And why I'm gonna want to work with you? And nobody's gonna want to do this? And I was like, who are these white people? She said, these are black people. That's why I said why. I have noticed over the years a lot of black mom bloggers have steered away from being specific about their blackness talking about the experiences as black mothers. It's just very universal. And even though I find it beautiful talking about it, regardless, seeing black faces and those spaces are always you know, a breath of fresh air. But it's good to know that you're being super intentional about it, even outside of your work. I mean, we know, you know, we know what you do. You know this particular part of this show is really about what is on your heart. And so please tell us, my darling, my darling, dear, what's on your heart? You know what this is? So okay? I just ended two relationships to the front. Ended one. It was one was a platonic and the other one was a you know, a thing thing right, and I had to let it go. And it was because you know, I feel like I'm super great at manifesting things in my business and my friendship because I listened to my I listened to my intuition. But when it comes to men, folks, I suck at love. I am such a fixer. And because I'm a fixer, I'm always trying to fix, fix, fix, and all love with potential. And one day he gonna beat this and one day he gonna be that. And I had this Sister Circle ceremony this weekend and I walked away with so much clarity, and I said, the thing that I put on the table was that I want respect. I was like, I want respect from my my partners, right, I want respect from those that you know. I want a man to walk into my life and say it's you and not listening to anybody telling me that I can't have that. And I live in Atlanta and struggle girl, all the women. You know, it's such a thing down here, you know. So that's what's on my heart. What's on my heart right now is making space in my life to accept love. And I knew I couldn't do that if I kept convoluting the space with people that weren't supposed to have me in that way. And so people that aren't supposed to have me in that way after many years, girl, I was I was sad, but I said, this is gonna feel so much better. And I feel really good right now. So that's what's all my heart. Congratulations girl, congratulation three weeks fresh. So I'm with you on that, because when you know you did the right thing, when you know you did the right thing for yourself, even as much as you love that person and love that relationship, it's it's spills. Its spills so much more different than five years ago when you broke up with somebody and it was just you didn't have an understanding of what you wanted and who you were blah blah, blah, right, like you take the right right. But see this being a mother of a daughter, see this is the clarity that warms my heart deep on the inside because I know that this is the experience that when it is time to sit and have that woman to woman talk with your daughter, that this you can explain from personal experience and not as a mother warning. Right, because as moms we grew up mother's given us the warnings but did not have but did not have why, but did not have the actions to go with me. So it's like, yeah, you're telling me to do something you haven't even done for yourself. Yes, go past that. What you have here is an intentional life that they led. And then on top of that, you're then you're able to say to her, this is how you do it. I know because I didn't. I know from experience. It's that mama trauma. And you know, like I said, I had the sister circle this weekend and I was sitting there and we were talking about our mama trauma, and we were talking about the times that we've looked back at our parents and been like you knew better, Why didn't you do better? Why did you why did you snatch me out of that situation and something better. Why did I have to learn about heartbreak from from Jill Scott songs? Why did I have to learn about heartbreak and all these things from my friends and movies? And you were my mother? Why weren't you talking to me about this? But at the same time, not blaming my mother, but knowing that I wanted to do it differently. And so the way, you know, we're moving past because I said so a way of parents. You know, it's like, look at the example, look at what I'm doing, and I can't tell you to walk in like if I'm not even doing that. And so you know, this is such a process. And it's like when you have children, especially a little girl. You're growing. As your daughter grows, I'm looking at her and I'm like, I would not want no man to treat you like this. So why am I allowing myself to go through this? You know? And a lot of it's just fear. You don't want to end up by yourself. You know, We're doing great in our business, our friends are great, we're traveling, but at the end of the day, we want companionship. And I feel like I want more women to start admitting that it's so hard all the time, all the time, all the time. We're so we're so, we're so hard. And I'm okay, I'm not okay by myself, but I also know and let me take that back. I'm okay, but you know what I mean. But okay, okay, it's not okay. It's not a preference, right, It's not like, fine, I want to be great, yeah, fine, okay, Yeah, I have to have a great partner in life. This big girl decision that you just made the choice to to step away from something that was convenient, that was probably some a lot of fun at times, that filled some holes. You know, with time, you know, the fact that you've done this is a major step. And I can tell you from personal experience that when you make room for what you really want in your life, you already know, manifestation happens. It happens. Yeah, And it's been like that every time I, you know, and I had to. I had to find my comfort in that space because every time I've walked away before, because we've all done it, right, how many times do you walk away before you've finally done it? Probably happens like six times? Fair enough? It a lot, but this is the final. But every time I was like, oh, I've been married for twenty one years. So she's like, AJ, never walked away from here. I was thinking. I was actually thinking, she's telling my truth because I just walked away for the first time. So I might have to come back a few more times on this, but you the truth. Go ahead. I'm sorry, don't I'm trying. I'm I'm trying. I'm trying. It's a lot sex, a lot, but I'm walking away. But honestly, every time that I've walked away, I've invited in this beautiful thing and my friendly You know, this is why your girlfriends are important. I always say your counsel. You gotta have a counsel of friends like that ain't afraid to hurt your feelings, that ain't afraid to tell you when you're wrong, but will also tell you the truth. And someone phone my friend and I'm you know, I'm unloading, and I'm telling her all this and how this is hard, and she was like, she needs to. Every time you walk away from something, something great happened. So just hold on to that. Just hold on to that and stop tripping. And so I took a deep breath, and I was like, you're right, okay, And so that's where I am right now. I'm feeling okay. I'm strong today, Shanisha. Do you have a Do you have a wife? I talked about it. Oh my work wife. Her name is Brendan Colemore. Yes, yes, that's my ten years of friendship. That is my work wife. My wife will get you through. Wife will get you through. Listen, I got I got about four of them. Okay. I have one thing, you know, I'm really grateful for my life. I have a really really strong group of friends. And I always say they come to like brains, right. So I have my inner ring, my outer ring, the outer ring. But that's what I do. I I operated sister circles and and healing women and healing myself. And so because of that, like my my friendships are the world to me. They are one of my pillars of brownding. I am who I am because of the women around me, and all of my friends are doing well. You know. So when I when I hear women talk about how they don't get along with other women, and I look at how they treat each other, I'm like, well that damn, I get it. Yeah, I love women. I don't like bitches. You don't I can't. Yeah, I don't. I don't know so many bitches. I know so many amazing women that got so we talked about this all the time. It's like you are speaking, you're singing my sorry because you are singing my song. Because I love this is this is one of the biggest joys of my life. And I always say that I got this guy, that I learned this from my mom, because my mother had the same kind of way that she functioned in her friendships. But it's scientific. I don't know if y'all know this, but women have been studied that they function better cognitively and emotionally when they have really healthy interactions with other women on a consistent basis. And so so this is a real component to women's health and women's wellness. Is having a good so crazy that it's always been that way, you know, because I mean, it's it's like common sense at this point you get around some women examples, you know, align like we're powerful in that way. But look at our look at our tribes as black people. Isn't that what we did? Didn't the women run the village didn't we berthed around the tree together? Didn't we do that? You know? I talked about that in osis, like when you look at our tradition, our culture, our birthright, we were that's how we were raised, That's how that's how we were birthed into this world. The men they sat on the outside. The women came together in a circle, and the birthing mother leaned against the tree and had a baby, and they chanted for her and they loved on her, and that that baby was raised in this village. So when when did we get away from that? What took us away from thinking that we no longer needed each other? Sa ladies one, two three, I want on that one. I'm gonna catch up. You have to always put the blame where the blame belong. Baby, put the blame where it belongs. It's very easy to do yourself if the whole world is telling you you don't have any value. Yes, and every against each other. Yeah, yeah, I love this conversation because it has always come down to my favorite people, black women on my favorite people period. I think I date my favorite they are my favorite people. And it's not to take anything away from anyone, but it is just really the way that I feel most ful and coming down from to this past week and having to deal with so many different aspects of my children's development and interacting with them so much. Having this conversation with other black women is that replenish that I needed. I'm sorry, I no, this wasn't about me, but you know what I had to speak on it had to speak on it. This was the replenish that I needed. We oftentimes feel this feeling that when we get on the phone would be like I missed it. This is a sister circle though, when three or more gathered, you know, and the four more powerful East, West, North, and South together and we speak a thing, it happens. So you know, obviously we need to be really mindful of what we say. Indeed, in the I was just thinking, I was like those for those ladies that listen to the at least to listen to this show, that are those kind of ladies that are like, I don't have any girlfriends. Maybe now you do, and maybe now you can see that you can interact with the ladies, and maybe now you need to open your heart. And there it is when whenever women talk about what it makes me so sad. I made a post about that last year, women like I don't like other women, and I'm like, what I'm hearing is that you don't like yourself. You know, you have to be vulnerable, you gotta open up your heart to other women, and a lot of us are scared of that. A lot of women are scared to do that because they don't want to be found out, you know, said imposter syndrome. They don't feel like they don't belong or she's gonna you know, she's gonna smell my nerdy draws, you know, whatever the case may be. It's exhausting wearing that mask though It's like, man, I look, I just helped that all those women know that those masks are heavy, and man, a good girlfriend can help you take that thing right off. I always feel like friendships, like good friendships, it's not something you have to think about. You just have to You have to be in the space where you're doing something that you that you enjoy. You know, you're around people you enjoy or a place you enjoy, and a friend will just show up like and you know it. I love when that happens. You just see somebody like your girl, where are you going? You know. I love those moments like I'm riding with you, you know, I love when that happens. The best relationships in my life are the ones where I've allowed myself to not only trust others, but to trust me. I trust who I am, I know who I am coming into that, into that space, and I just feel this really great sense of confidence and trusting yourself from you. You know, when I'm looking at you and your body language and the way that you speak, I'm like, girl, you trust yourself. You trust that what's coming out of your mouth is out of love, is the truth, it's who you are, it's your personal truth. So that that makes me feel wonderful. Like I'm looking at you, like, yes, girl, we are exactly ten years apart, you and me. You all can't see her, but it's it's just heartwarming to see you just glowing. It's wonderful because so often you know, our sisters and not they're not allowing. They're not allowing, especially since they tell us like the thirties. I remember what I turned thirty and they were like, this is the stage we're supposed to realize who you are and what you want, and to be honest, we've had a conversation on this show that those number formulas don't always add up like that. So the fact that you are closer to that and I'm not putting that pressure on you, but it just feels like you are closer than most of them have been. That is beautiful. That's beautiful. It's so many things. Remember Girlfriends came on Netflix, and I know that Joan was only years You gotta you gotta re watch things as an adult that you grew up on. That was like she was nine, but that she was a partner on the law firm, that yes, the house anything. It's like you think that you have to have everything figured out by tommy thirties, don't. You don't. But one thing I can't say is that motherhood raised me and a heartbreak raised me even more. And so sometimes we do both things that causes us to grow up. You know that grow up And it's it's kind of what you say is you're like, when you're around somebody who trust themselves, you feel comfortable because we know that a person who's hungry will eat you, and so I love being around fulfilled women. So you're not gonna eat me. I'm not just say that again. You should just say that again because time when you all got time and I met those women, I love you from Afar because you're not gonna You're not gonna grow upon my soul. I know what you're trying to do, So I'm not gonna eat yours either. When you're hungry, you don't. At one more time, just so I can repeat it like I said it myself. Were you hungry, you don't what when we're hungry, you don't want nobody to eat you, So stay away from hungry people. They will eat you alive. You live, Hony, You said a yeah. Many many jewels, many many jewels have been drussed, and I for one, so much for spending your We're so happy to see you, young woman. Where can we find you, babe? Where where can we find? You can find me on the internet at Shani sha Boswell Shania Boswell dot com if you're a mama, black Mom's blog, Black Mom's blog dot com, Black Mom's blog across all social media, and my book is wherever books you're sold. You can find it at Barnes and Noble, Amazon Books a Million, Walmart, go pick up a copy, buy for yourself, by for a friend, support a black woman. I love you, we love you too, Thank you so very much. Bravo says this, somebody clep, how do you eat an elephant? One by time. If you've made it to this part of the show, then there's a good chance you already know us up. But if you don't, I'm producer Eves and this is the part of the episode where I give you some resources that are related to this conversation, and this time they're all books. Layah recommends Our Bodies Ourselves by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective. You can also check out The Joy of Sex and Illustrated Sex Manual, first published in the nineteen seventies. And I know we've told you about it before, but as a reminder, there's the book Vanessa del Rio Fifty Years of Slightly Slutty Behavior. There are encyclopedias of sexually transmitted diseases that provide info on the history and call this of STDs. Of course, sex looks different for different people, and there's a lot of nuance when it comes to sexuality, anatomy, preferences, and sensitivities. So find a book that works for you. There are plenty out there. And finally, get Shanisha Boswell's book Osis You're Pregnant, The Ultimate Guide to Black Pregnancy and Motherhood. You can find links in the description. Hi, if you have comments on something you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five BI. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents j dot il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laia st Clair and Aga Great and Danceller. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun's produced by Laya st Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. Yeah, my mama was real black and then the black mamas, yes, black mothers. I'm like, you ain't heard these names because Jill, it's a whole thing, the whole thing I did not name myself. Got darned. You're almost trying to look out for your life and your career. That's all until I show up at the job. Interview j dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.