Levels of Loneliness

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of I Heart Radiers. What's up everybody? It is a fine day, a fine dame bed. We are here on this hell podcast, this j dot il podcast Business, and we're gonna talk about some things. Who is the we? The we is Ajar Gragan and and Jill's got We're talking about loneliness. I've heard many, many times before that successful women are particularly lonely. Ship you're already going there, already, all right, jahead, all right, She's just gonna go right from the art, like the what is that as an African American woman? Um, particularly when you've got it going on and you've a accomplished the things that you want in this life, most of us end up dying alone. That's like it's like a moment of sacrifice. What to do because that's what people act like. It's like if you want this or you want that, but you can't have them all. Who says the man? Damn you man, damn you the man? And maybe looking at Oprah and Gael, I don't know. So you're trying to tell me that in order to be with somebody and and be successful, I have to what I have to have a woman, or you can't have a man, or yeah, or right when you were talking about earlier, is a is a real thing. It's so funny. One of my girlfriends had this realization the other day. And she just got a major promotion and it's now like the executive Suite and like, you know, TV World, And she was like, and I was talking to my boss was a black woman, and her and his girlfriends, and I just realized that all of them are single. Single, yeah, and which is not let me be clear, which is not the worst thing in the world to be single if you're happy about it. But if you're not, if you want to have somebody, if you want to be with somebody married, I suppose it makes it really hard to do both be successful and hamp Okay, let's look. Let's see Denzel Washington and his wife. They've been together forever. Okay, let's see I'm trying to think a couple. Yeah, but see Okay, but dive into that. Though. While Denzel has has has reached his levels of platinum success, I'm sure Pauletta made a sacrifice in the sense of the family. And you see what I'm saying, right, I mean, I think a lot of it has to I think it gets a little harder though, when the relationship has to be initiated after the woman has had a certain amount of us because if if the relationship has to exist in the same kind of universe as the woman's success, then it kind of opens up all these other implications like, well, how does that make that man feel? How do other people perceive him? How do other people perceive her? It's all kinds of different ways that other people will judge, and then those things will take root in how the two people see themselves and x y Z. I do think that I see some of this stuff beginning to come up to the surface that may be different for the women that are coming after. Oh, I hope. So I just think what I've observed from some younger married couples and their desire to build together that is not built on the woman making herself small so that the guy can succeed country there's this whole thing, right, So yeah, so I think there's a I think there's a thing where they're starting to see that as problematic and going into it with that part of the conversation being said in the very beginning, Hey, I want to be successful. I'm on the pathway to that. That's the trajectory of my life. So let's talk about it, Like, how are we going to use each other's strengths to move forward? Applause, applause to the next generation of women that can see where we might be, you know, failing that's what they're supposed to that that's what you're supposed to do. Bless you. Yeah. The the problem is that obviously we are all, you know, in a certain age group, and the men that we come in contact with their products of that generation, and some of them have just not evolved to that place yet. Like listen for this podcast. Just be clear, I'm I really don't have any intentions on telling other people's business. I'll share some of mine. You ain't gonna know everything because I I just won't, uh, just won't. But I will say that success, I don't know if it was necessarily success. With my first marriage, the only one that I actually count, it is true, that's the only one that I count. We were doing really great and then success came along and I had other priorities too, and it was hard to build something. I don't know. Maybe I'm not saying that it was his fault or my fault. I'm just saying that circumstances and us all of a sudden coming from you know, not much two way more was uncomfortable and it all seemed on my shoulders at the time. Yeah, Like Lie and I we talked about this, you know, every every couple of months, you know, so it's not new to either of us. But that success was getting hard. I know. I'm us now side that you can't listen to other people about your relationship. You just gotta let them have the relationship they have with your ship and just just step out, just let them at name a moment and they'd be like, all right, Nick is by like that's all right. We're looking at y'all like I remember, yeah, But it's so cool that you guys are good friends. That's right there. That's that's the thing. That is the thing is that the idea of being human with each other and and having friendship. I think that takes also the edge off of loneliness to a degree because that having quality relationships in your life, you kind of know what you want and what you don't want. And if you have really strong relationships in your life with men and women, you don't have to be trying to find something in a person a mate that you don't already possess. It's like you're able to see and and differentiate between what is a requirement and what is just something that's feeding a need or making me not lonely in the moment. So that's just my assumption about that. But I do think that I when I see women pick a beautiful relationship, it comes out of that knowing that security of that, Hey, I know what good friendship is. I know what a good relationship is, and I'm only gonna choose according to what falls in line with that. And then sometimes my fucker's just what up, Yo, That's what I want for you, And selfishly that's all I want for you. I want you to be with somebody that you enjoy. But you know who you are, so you know what you want and you know what you enjoy and who was gonna build with you and not be afraid of success. That is not me implying as I was afraid of it. It just was very hard for the two of us to have to deal with that. We were so used to us and how we did things and how we liked things, and then everything changed, and in reality, we were we were freshly married, so it just kind of threw us for a loop. And then I was and then I was alone, and then I was alone, married and alone, and that also married and married and alone, and that definitely producing terrible decisions, terrible. It's so interesting that we're talking about loneliness and I was just thinking, even though I'm the same way, but how we tend to like lean on our romantic relationship as like solutions for our loneliness. And I was like, is there a way that like your friendship can really be and do we really want It's so it's just so interesting to me. I'm like, we tend to just go to the romantic side because even if you have a beautiful friendship, it seems that's not going to be how you want to build a life forever, but you still need that romantic I mean, the reality is that there's lots of folks that are single, and even if they want to have a relationship with somebody, sometimes they just don't. And I think it would be unfair to ever present that life as being some life of lack, you know what I mean? It just is just a life that which being single and having any prospects to make that the definition of loneliness. So I think it's really important what Jill said about that being married and lonely, that that's the real thing. Being in a home full of people. I've been there and feeling lonely, or being around a crowd of people and feeling lonely is possible because you want to shift that kind of narrative that says that a woman who is single with with no man or no relationship and no children or something like that is just by definition a person who may be lonely. And I don't I don't want to buy into that part of it. You on. I mean, some women aren't gonna lie to you. I see some women and that I know want to have a relationship, but they want a quality relationship, and they are very specific that that they will never enter into anything that doesn't elevate the already beautiful life that they are living. So that I know some single women who are absolutely in that space. They're not shunning relationships. They're not saying I don't want nobody, They're not saying any of that. They're not even suggesting that people who are married are miserable. Because I hate that to like, get over there. We're not but they're just saying, listen, I know what I want. I haven't found it yet. In the meantime, I'm about to have a fucking blast and when I find that person, good if I don't meet a bitch in Bali. Okay. I think that is the mentality right there, because I've seen and I noticed a lot of successful women are are really upset about the fact that they don't have what they thought they were going to have a partner in life, partner, and upset it the way that society makes them feel like something must be wrong with them, like oh, well, yeah, you know that's the default. Yeah, but it's it's interested in that age because at the same time, I think still most are like but I still would prefer to be able to share this life with someone and of course well not of course, yes that I see that. I definitely see that. Who does it People want to find someone whom they can share life and love and experiences with. I mean, yes, absolutely, And I haven't fear of that as a black woman because I just I feel like I know too many black women that are my mom's age and my Grandmam's age that the last twenty thirty years of their life it was even though and not to say it was lonely the whole time, but getting still, man, you know, sometimes it's nice just to have a partner in a way, so but does it have to be permanent partner. It's like, I just get harder as you get older, even if it's not. But go ahead, I'm sorry, this is true. This is true. Like my mentor, she made it real plain to me. She's very successful, her children are adults, they're successful. And she says she did love. Don't know her anything. She's had enough of it and she's just fine. God, that's a something goalie about that feeling. I'm not got something about it. I'm envious. I said, do you think you'll ever get married again? And she's like for what she was like, why would I want that? I get up when I want to, I work when I feel like it. I don't have to explain myself to anybody or make allowances. I don't have to apologize for anything. I do what I want when I want, how I want. And I don't see any better way to live. And you know, she said, I had a husband and that's over and I don't want another one, and she blew my whole my, oh my, how old is this woman? She's got to be about seventy two now, mm hmmm mm hmmm. I mean I remember my mom and her friends having similar conversations, like it's nice to Like I said, does it really have to be permanent? Can it be? Oh, this is someone I like to hang out with sometimes, YadA, YadA, YadA, But I don't really need to be in a permanent relationship. As I get to have more older women around me and their sixties and seventies, this is what I continue to hear, you know. But that's but not not in a way to make men feel like they are disposable or anything like that. I think that there are a lot of men that feel this way too. There are some I just the right though. A just a lot of women have a third at that. I'm just like, I'm over the sex thing. I just really feel like there should be a service if you want your feet up. I mean, not not just that, but if you want you know, a little happy ending, you know. I just think that that's fair. I think that that women should have these things that and it shouldn't be, you know, a stigma attached to calling a service where you can get your feet rubbed in a nice pop off before you go to slate. Yeah, I think that's fair. I think it's especially for successful women. Well, I think I think poor women should have access to Yes, ma'am. I think be able to have a little pop off at the end of her shift, like hold that fair enough? Slide and scale, slide and scale scale. You're putting this out there, but this is this is actually a really great idea, you said, Joe, I know that before. I don't know what we call this. I don't know. I just I just don't want anybody to go to jail for such a good thing. You know, this is a good quality, a service that could be provided and started in Vegas where the laws are a little lighter. Listen, look at Atlanta. What is it like eighteen to one girl. It's a whole bunch of women Atlanta. D C. I tell all my boys, I'm like, you know, you meet him and your marryam and d C. Honey, that's lucky for y'all, and easily catch six or seven more if you want to. Just yes, we don't it's just funny because we don't have what are our cities? What are the cities? Eight black women need to go out here? Where are they even make a list to they even make lists like that for black women. They don't make lists for black women any dag on the way. We gotta thumb through our own, you know, networks to find these things out. Well, that's why I created True Voice. So I'm trying to make a list of places and things and stuff for black women so we can find are what we want. What about Portland's I think there's a lot of black men in Portland that are I think there are. I'm not gonna go with a lot, not you, but there are some black men in Portland that just just they're just they're just a little oaky. They don't know what to do. That's all. You just gotta we just gotta take a both vacation right quick. You forgive me. I'm you know, I'm from the from the East Coast. I'm fully as we all are. I'm just saying, there you go, the granola and the birken stocks and the peace of mind and the wonderful marijuana. Yes, you can always put some lotion on them. Ash she asked, knees and ankles and pull them into the world, which I can feel all the I can feel all the emails from the black men in Portland coming in right now, I can hear it. I can hear the email coming in. We'll be back after the break. Let me say this about me and loneliness. Okay. I used to think that I could help somebody get to the other side. Does that make sense to anybody. I used to think that I can help a man get to the other side. Like, oh, we just you know, just like for me, I didn't know what uh duck laurnge was until I had duck laurrange. You know. I didn't know about Senegalese food until I went, you know, and and and found a place in Paris and like like you like, like look at this, try this. But but if you don't find someone, I've learned that you just cannot share with everybody. Some people are not prepared for it. Some people don't even want it. They don't deserve Some people don't deserve it. Come on, come on, some people don't deserve. That is what it is. And the intention is good, the idea sounds right, but it's just it's the same as finding a mentor or mentee for that matter. You you can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. And yeah, if you're lonely and you find somebody, my biggest suggestion to you is take as someone who is married for fifteen months once, take your slow molasses as time before you jump into anything with anybody, especially as a woman. If you're more successful and you've got more to lose. M b b b b b B, be careful because there's a different generation and a different breed of males out here. Yeah. I didn't. I didn't think this was real until I knew it was real. You expanded my broke mind. I'm like girl to teach me because I don't plan on stand here. So you know, I just need to thank you for preparing me. You know, I mean you we think we know how well I knew I was. I guess I thought I knew how men operate. But there's a different breed now. So you have to mind that loneliness. Yeah, I mean, you really have to mind that thing and be on top of it, because you can't let the loneliness drive you to a place that will definitely not benefit your life. I just mean in the arms of the wrong motherfucker at some point that takes like a little bit of reevaluation, but themselves too, though I feel like that only that's what I was saying about loneliness, Like, I don't think it's always too about another person. Some part of it is you too, because at some point you also need to feel comfortable with yourself, right like so, because being with somebody else is not gonna make it better whatever is wrong with you, even if you're in a relationship, there's lots of things that can cause that same feeling of being isolated, you know what I mean, That same isolation not being able to connect because there's loneliness in the sense of that there's no one else around, and that the reality of that, the reality of maybe you haven't been like you said, your feet haven't been rubbed, do, you haven't been hugged or even just touched. You haven't even had no one put their hand on your shoulder or wake you up or anything like that. So there is that kind of experience with their loneliness. But then there's also, you know, ways to feel lonely and isolated when you're you are not single. I mean not to be obvious like, uh, let me try him for the people who are single, but you know, I don't you know what I'm saying that not not to come across like that, but just because I know that that's a real thing. And particularly when you are going to therapy, if you're in a relationship with someone or married or partnered, it's like, and you go to therapy to start fixing your own stuff, it's a real easy way to start feeling super isolated and lonely because you're starting, you're you're you're evolving, you're evolving sometimes at a rapid pace, and your mate isn't and that communication and connectedness that makes the partnership work is interrupted, and a lot of people don't recover from that, you know. And then any kind of change in life, like losing your job or losing a parent, because obviously gott been through that part of it too, So it's like all of those different emotions and things where you need to kind of rely on partnership. Partnership can sometimes maybe not even be an asset in that moment. Sometimes it can actually be the rock around your neck, like goodness, good night, this person can't see me or hear me. Yeah, I'm laughing at what you just said. And I'm laughing, but it's not really funny because it's also like, well, right now, during these times, these are the most loneliest times of most of our lives. So and all those things are happening, you know what I mean, Like people are realizing that this ain't that I can't I can't live with him, I can't live with him and hud no more. You know, people are like it's a time of high stulice that I was just reading the Time magazine article about it, like it's just such a it's a lonely time. Yeah. Not having access to touch, well that means so baby. And I'm not talking about sex, yeah, I'm not saying I'm talking about yeah, just on your skin, not having access to touch. The first time I saw a family member during the quarantine, when I couldn't put my arms around them, it was like a real grieving process behind that. It was like, women, I can't touch you, and that was very odd. And then to take that experience and magnify it, I think I'm sure that it takes loneliness up a thousand notches. It's like old. Wait a minute, I'm I'm alone, and how how do you deal with that? So you're seeing a lot of people do things and find new hobbies. And I've been seeing tons of people bike riding, yoga. I don't seen more yoga on the good people's internets in the past six months and I've seen in six years. Yeah, people are really trying to find ways to cope, you know what I'm saying, and not find themselves in a ditch where they can't get out. I know, for me and my household is there are a couple of like real contracts. One is, my husband has to get out of the house. He's not a person who likes to be indoors a lot, so he has to get out of the house. So he has an office. He goes his office every day, he gets up in the morning, like he goes and it is not a problem. I'm actually thrilled that he has it. Some of my contracts aren't. Hey, I gotta have a lone time. When I say my office I wars are over, I'm trying to tell y'all, y'all be hanging out that window like Big Red. Don't play with me. My office hours are are done for the day. But more than anything is the connection part. So having the option to connect is also, I understand, a huge privilege because if you don't even have the option to connect when you're ready to, that can be devastating. Yeah, it's got a lot of health issues. Two I think we said that, but yeah, like chronic pain, how we feel in our head and heart and our spirit really does affect our bodies. So you know, you're already paranoid about what's going on with this quarantine and catching something that could possibly kill you if you're alone, that just makes things so much worse. It makes it so much harder to deal with, and your body starts to ache. And I know, I thought I had COVID. I don't know about set damn so far. I was like, I got a headache. I got a headache, you know what I mean? Like I keep you coughing in a public spaces is like a whole new meaning these days, Like and being outside inside your mask is lonely too. Yeah, because you having that physical separation from others, that that visual and physical separation from other people, it just it really intensifies it. I ain't gonna lie to you, guys, having and let me ask you, both having had parents, how do you think your parents are experienced in this time? Both of you have parents who are not married and let alone at their age, Like, how are they experiencing this and how they're dealing with their loneliness? Have they talked to you all about it or anything like that? You know, it's funny. I always say, well, my equation is similar to most kids, Like my dad has a girlfriend and my mom is single, and so you know, for my dad, he's he's always like baby, I'm just so glad we have face time, you know. But as you guys know, I went home for a month a couple of days ago, and that was the first time I had hugged them in months. And like me and my mom have had many conversations about the loneliness and what the future looks like for her being in the House of Skies, and you know, at the same time, I was there for a mom, so I also got to see that she's trying. She's on these these apps she's trying to me to do. You know, it was one he might be a little bit too, too militant, but you know, it's just it's it's an interesting conversation. And like I said, it's somewhat of a fear of mine. And I pray every day, not for nothing. I prayed every day in my prayers for my mom to to find a companion in life. M hm um. I can't imagine if Joy Salas had somebody. I don't even know. She doesn't currently, but she she does him. He's two damn dogs. And when I tell you, she cooks for them every day, Yeah, she cooks their food. She has been doing this for years. My mom other is a wonderful caregiver when it comes to people and animals. She talked to me not too long ago about she's also like a touch healer. But she's got her homies where she is. And we're about twenty good minutes away from each other, maybe twenty Yeah, so I just far enough and just close enough. That's that's notual. Maybe about a good forty I'm a double at good forty minutes, So that's that's that's just so it's a little bit of a trip. But it's cool because when you get there, I know I'm staying, you know, I'm hanging out. So she's okay. She has her moments and I can always tell because then she's shopping. Yeah. See, it's funny. I want to say again, I totally know that women at a certain age coming all different kinds of flavors, attitudes, and taste, and so I understand that. But I do understand that I'm probably gonna be much like my mother. In the SIPs that me and my boythen were just talking about this. He has a mother who's single as well, and his father is married, and I was like, how is she doing? Is she lonely? You know? He was like, she's got this dog, you know, she good. And I'm like, but Kareema, me and my mama, we're still they're a sexual type of people. So you know, I just know that like a pet ankle, the fur baby is not gonna get It's just like, that's just more responsibility and somebody I got to stay home for, yeah, and get home for. But isn't it interesting how the sun sees it one way? In the door. Yeah, the sun is not thinking like, oh my bab might need I don't know, a man, you don't even don't even want to think of it like that. They don't even want to think. And we have those conversations. I don't want to think of my mom like that. I'm like, but like a human to her happiness. Yeah, that was tied into her happiness. Sir, sir, don't you want somebody to play with your stuff? Right? Whatever made I'm with, I let him know. Listen, this is what I'm gonna be when I'm sixty seventy two. This is what I play, and so all the way into ain't no quitting. Yes, they got some pills for that. Yeah, they got some drinking drinks a long. When I'm done, you could be done to have this? What is a yangling? What is it? Um? What's the beer? No? No, no, I know yngling is a beer. But yangling is supposed to help you know that that strong bull? What is that? I know what you're talking about. I didn't know what I'm saying, but okay, yeah, if I'm not mistaken, it's a yngling that's supposed to keep that thing. We are so how we always end up coming back to sex, And I'm not mad at that. This is a human condition people. I personally am very out of myself because we are half more than halfway through this podcast and I have not found a way to blame loneliness on white supremacy. So person, well, let's look let's look at that, let's look back. Okay, So you could say that white supremacy is responsible for the COVID been in quarantine as long, and therefore it has something to do with why everybody is so lonely and dealing with loneliness right now to this extent. Well, that's fair enough. You could also say that, let's look at the seventies with the welfare system and not being able to have a man in your house at all, not being able to have a man or visit in order to feed your children or keep your lights on. That is that's a very very major major part of our history. Women and who are lonely. Yes, m m, yeah, come on in there. Let's blame this white man, make him accountable for his deeds. I only laugh because it's uncomfortable. That's the that's the only reason I laugh. I just need you to understand that. It's because it's uncomfortable to have to put a name, or not even a name, but a face to a problem. But when you look at our issues and our problems, so much of it, so so much of it goes back to where we are and how how the society is running and to what agents. Yeah, I mean, that isn't the reason that a lot of our mamas and mamas are single. I'm convinsed, but you know that's whatever. Oh yeah, and even down to the whole idea of what it takes to be successful and how women we have to grind so hard and so much, and that we don't have time to take to be social, to time to interact with one another, to have quality time with other people, and social time enough with other people in order to build those kinds of relationships, and the ways in which certain doors are closed to black men and women, you know, and let's just keep it real. They underpaying us anyway, so if they can get some brilliance at a discount, they're gonna take it right, So trust and believe that we're dealing with. It's a backhanded opportunity for black women. It's like, yeah, you had this job, but but you're gonna get forty two cents on the dollar, and I'm gonna need you to work alonger than thes eight hours and you can't and you can't act like this job, this job ain't the most important thing in the world to you. Oh you have kids, Forshonda. I didn't even know that. I ain't know that. Wow, that's something. Do they all have the same father? Really? That's fascinating. Wow, fascinating. That's so Toshanda. This is like the third funeral you've gone to. I've never been to one another funeral. Rashonda. Sure, people, take care of yourself. Oh God, I love you, Rashonda. Okay, shout out to Rashonda. We have your back, Rashonda right here on Jay dot il. Okay, more conversation after this break. Listen, how do we combat this thing? How do we combat loneliness? So many ways this yoga thing is helpful, and it also moves the body and sadness. Just like with cancer, staying positive is really really important when dealing with illness. Anyway, you already know that our emotions just like with plants. Just just like with plans, you speak negatively to a plant, it's going to wither. You speak positively and and say nice, creative, interesting things, and the thing will grow. It is the same with our bodies, feeding it positivity. That's why, Jill, I just want to add, even though I'm not consistent, I am an advocate of meditation. I'm trying to be better, be better with me. Hey, this is what it's all about. We're all trying to be better. I wish I wish I would sit somewhere and talk about, Oh, I got it all together. I know how to think. I don't know. I'm trying to know. I'm trying to do better. And I think that's you know, while we're here, We're all in this thing together, trying to be better human beings, trying to be stronger for the next generation and stronger for ourselves. Come on, somebody, amen. Amen. One thing that I think has helped me in the past with loneliness is being really clear and getting to know myself what it is I need and what it is I like who I am, because it's sad. I know. You get to your forties and you realize, damn, I've lived this long and may not all the way know myself, and that realization is kind of a lot, you know, But once you start asking yourself that question, you realize, oh, I do know myself. I just have impressed myself to make that the priority. I've not centered myself in the conversation. So I think loneliness. In terms of how I've dealt with it is getting to know myself a lot better. I'm comfortable with myself. I know what I need. When I need interaction, I know how to ask for it, and when I want to interact, I know how I want to interact. And the big conversation in the past couple of years, at least I hear it almost at nauseum is love languages and people knowing what their love languages, and how they interact and how they need to interact and when they don't feel like interacting, and all those things. Making sure you have those boundaries, speaking up where you need to. All of that. It comes with the confidence of dealing with your stuff, getting to know yourself, and honoring yourself. It's all the self work. Unfortunately, it all kind of keeps coming back to the self work. It is, though, and it's not selfish. It's not selfish to do the self work. It's the It's funny because as the Asian was given like the whole it's funny, always called the intellectual version of I was thinking to myself literally, like all these things that you should be doing, but you just did this whole intellectual like translation of things, because I was like, well, you know, not for nothing, folks, like people are breaking their backs to make content for you at the end of the day, you know, learn something new on your computer for yourself, like spend some more time with yourself. Read this book that you said you was gonna read and you still haven't read it. Check on that friend that you've been saying for the last year. I wonder how they're doing all these things that are part of like everything that Asia said in a really smart way, but this is why, and even a one more thing instead of to my I was very insistant. She turned seventy for her birthday and she was like, I do not want to drive by zoom birthday party. So even in that way be creative. We did a drink by. We were like, you know what, y'all come back for thirty to forty five minute infrements and then roll the freak out in our backyard, like let's just try to think bigger and you know, I just I just think what you want? What do you want, what do you like? What are you into? And if you can't think of anything, go look for it. See if you can find something that you like. I think I would like making pottery. I think I would dig that right, you know the YouTube show that Jill. But that means I got to go by the clay and the stuff, all the stuff. I don't know if I like it yet. I need to try first, call him anything you need. I think I would like playing the hard I've been trying to figure out what I've been playing with these fingers for years. I don't know, but it might be a magical invisible harp. Give it a try. Why not? I want to say this real quick thing too, about some of the options that we have really do come along with a few of the privileges that we enjoy, you know, just have an access, you know. And a friend of mine told me once that poverty is about the most instances, is about not being able to have any time. Time is a privilege. Having time is a privilege. And and many of us, many of us, many black women in this country and women of color, just have a very difficult time even having the time to do something new. Everything is in survival mode. Everything is I have to go to work, I can't stay home. I don't have to I don't have this, and the stress levels are like very very high. And so I just want us to remember because I realized that even though obviously we have all experienced times of leanness, there is a privilege in this conversation of the three of us, the three of us do have as and it's too many people who just don't and they can't solve their loneliness by going to a yoga class because they can't afford a yoga class. Because because here's the gag. If you, if you have the privilege to be able to sit here and listen to me and Asian Jail right now, then you might be able to do some of these other things too. Because yeah, and just to be clear, while while you're you know, cleaning the kitchen or whatever you're doing, listening to this podcast, just because you amassed a certain amount of success depending on what you're thinking, it is. My days as as an actor, sometimes there are seventeen hour days, and I would say more often than not, um fortunately, and that means there's a very very short amount of time in between tomorrow and getting home, taking a shower, getting your makeup off, learning your new lines, are going over your lines, and getting to bed, and then you're writing up and and early the next day and the whole thing starts all over again. You normally work on a Faturday, which is it starts on Friday and it ends on Saturday morning, and that means Saturday is done. So you're exhausted most of Saturday. You have Saturday evening and you have Sunday. But you got to get ready and learn all the lines that you need to know for for Monday, Tuesday, Wesy, Thursday, Friday, because you don't want to wait till the last minute and not know your lines, because that is horrible and turmoil in turn, and you can't be showing up as a black woman unprepared, over prepared high And I've had that happen where I was just like, I'm so tired. I just don't know. But what I did do in order to keep the sanity that I had is on the ride too set, I was like, how long is it? How long is the ride today? Sometimes ride will be an hour and a half. Praise God. That means I get a little bit of a nap, And it also means that I get to listen to some music and breathe. Listen to some music and breathe, Like just trying to find the space in the midst of it all to take some deep breaths. That's helpful. That's helpful. You know. If you can have somebody come and visit and knock the cobwebs off the thing, that's nice too, you know. But but they gotta go because you have you got you got things to do. I get it. I get it. The working time doesn't change. I was watching a video yesterday and or earlier today, and the sky was talking about how really is about intentional living. It's not that you have like tons of time, but it's also this is how you're spending your So if you're doing something that it has no intention, it has an intention behind it where it's like like if you want to scroll social media and you have a reason for why you're doing that, you're like because I enjoy it, or because I want to do or because I want to check in on some things or whatever. It's like, yeah, okay, great. Bottom line is that everything. If you can start to look at your life in this way where it's like I'm doing things for this intentional reason and I'm being intentional about that, it can help to give you a lot more peace of mind. And it's interesting because I have teenagers, tons of them now, Like almost all the kids are teenagers except for I got one that's twenty one and one that's ten, so they're kind of out of the teenager e space, but in the middle four teenagers. And one thing about teenagers is that they are most definitely always going through some sort of you know, on somewhere on that spectrum of am I depressed them, I have anxiety and my this and my dad you know, da da da da, there's somewhere on there almost all of the time, some sort of way and helping them to say, Okay, yeah, today you might be lonely, today you might be sad, or today you might be have anxiety. What is your intentional choice in this moment so that you can address that. No, that doesn't mean that you won't feel it at all, But what is your response? What are you being intentional about? What is that gonna give you? How is that going to feed you? And if you can practice doing that at this age and when you get older, you're not as at risk to go under because of it. That doesn't mean that the feelings will not be there, and it doesn't mean that because you choose to do something else and somehow the thought of it will not still be there. You may not still feel this way, but you're keeping that body going. You're making intentional choices in order to address how you're feeling. And UM, I'm no therapist or anything like that, obviously, I'm just saying what the conversations I'm having at home with my young people, and how that has also helped me to hold myself to the same standard because will be havevior? Are we modeling then for them? So that that has helped to keep me honest, particularly about this issue. I think it's like facing the ugly if you will, like facing what is it that that you're feeling? Like you just said, aga like having our our young people and I'm throwing it out to the elders too, to face what is this? What is this precise loneliness? It's like questioning what's going on? Are you? Are you just horny? Because that's different. Do you want somebody to talk to and what kind of conversation are you really interested in having? The what of the what? What is the what of the what? Because you know you have some girlfriends that you call and you know they're gonna make you laugh. That's all. They're gonna make you laugh. They're not gonna tell you anything too deep, it's not gonna get too heavy, but they are going to make you laugh fun. Some friends are gonna help you cry. And then of course there's those brilliant minds that just inspire you to, you know, write a novel or get your your bank account in order, whatever the case may be. You have to be specific. I think this is what agent just said, being specific to your needs. What are you looking for? And that again goes with knowing who you are and being okay to see the ugly parts. What what's what's what's what's missing? But what is it? Exactly? This is because let me tell you something, that is the honest conversation. That first honest conversation you have with yourself is like breaking out of chains, like that first time you really say out loud, like what is really really bothering you? What is really fucking with you too? Underneath the bones of the bones. I never forget that. It's when I started praying out loud or talking out loud to myself and talking to God out loud. I do it all the time now because I need to name the thing. I don't have time for the letting all that stuff float around in my head. I'm like, you know what, I don't like doing this, guy, I don't like this. I don't like it. I don't like it because it don't feel right or I don't want to talk to that person. And when I'm say the words out of my mouth, it makes me understand what is the why of the why. I've taken to saying no thank you out loud to private thoughts. Nobody else can hear what I was just thinking, but you'll hear me all over this house. And Jet my son is taken to that as well. No thank you, no, no thank you, like I'm not. I'm not. I'm honoring these thoughts. I just don't want them. I don't want that. I don't want to have nothing to do with that negative energy that It's been a practice for a long time and I don't you know, Hey, look, somebody really might think I'm nuts, but I and explain what I'm doing. No thank you. I watched the movie The Ship scared me and now I'm in here hearing everything and maybe something is it here. I don't know, no thank you, and I'm a turnal way, go to sleep. I said no, thank you, And it's so that's it, because yes, because we're nothing more powerful than that voice in your head, you better learn how to talk to that voice in your head. And it's soundwha saying that I rebuke you. Rebuke you, Yeah, rebuke it too, whatever has to happen. I'm yeah that too. I'm just saying, like, okay, I recognize I'm not trying to say that I have any Rebuke is a good way. That's such a good word. You know what I else? I like? I like buying. Buying is a good word to find you. Come on, you're so nasty. I'm sorry. Was I not appused to take it that way? Because of course you would. You said it. I didn't say bind. Yes, old black church words a church words are everything, and it is also the word from craft. I bind you from doing harm to yourself and harm to others. I bind you from doing hard. That's right, Come on, bind bind. But I'm seriously don't know, seriously isolation and loneliness, yes, thinking about our folks and our ancestors and what what they must have felt. My God is sobering too. You know you're away from your people, your family. You were just with them yesterday. Now you're surrounded by people who don't speak your language. You don't know. They look like you, but they're from different areas, different tribes. Just in Butuana alone, if I'm not mistaken, if there's over forty languages just in that's one country. Yeah, I mean we're talking about an entire continent. You've just been roaming around, snatching folks up, putting them all in one ship. Like h I cannot imagine knowing, uh. A mother leaving her babies, a man leaving his family and his wife his parents. M hm. I learned last week we're talking about Phyllis Wheatley and about how she's a for those of y'all don't know, she's a poet and a writer. And Phyllis Wheatley arrived in America on a slave ship, and the slave ship's name was Phyllis. She was named for the ship that she came on. And when she arrived in America, she arrived alone. She was six years old, alone and was sold off of a boat alone, and then named for the boat. And I think to myself, how do you how do you shake that? How do you say alive. How do you you know? And and it reminds me and pulls me back into that thinking about who we are and what we have survived through, but also saying that we have to give ourselves that space and that moment of compassion and care that we weren't able to take for our ancestors. Our ancestors won't be able to take that, so we take it for them. We take that moment of rest and in our loneliness and our we acknowledge our feelings and and not try to just survive. Because we have that ability, we're able to have this discussion and outside of just survival because Phyllis Weekly survived, because these children came here alone and survived, because they survived the deep isolation and loneliness and fear and anger and confusion that comes along with the experience that we've had all over the world, not just here in America, but all over the world outside of our home countries and so our home concident. So I think by honoring it and talking about it and staying and feeling these moments of weakness and and along with the strength that it says we're human beings, it reclaims the humanity again. So I just want us all to not fear claiming our humanity. And if we are lonely, if we are sad, if we are dealing in that place, that it's okay to name it and say so. It's not weak, it's not weakness, and we're not forever strong. We are people and human beings, and that people really did die and suffer from all to put generations not ever being able to give themselves that space to just feel m m. This is a poem by Nikki Giovanni. It's called I'm not lonely. I'm not lonely sleeping all alone. You think I'm scared, but I'm a big girl. I don't cry or anything. I have a great big bed to roll around and and lots of space. And I don't dream bad dreams like I used to have that you were leaving me anymore. Now that you're gone, I don't dream. And no matter what you think, I'm not lonely sleeping all alone. How do you eat an elephant? One by tie? So we've reached the end of another episode, and that means that it's time for me Eaves the producer, to give you some resources. Aja recommends following the black Yogi hashtag on Instagram as a source of insight on wellness, self care, and solitude. She also mentioned love languages in this episode, which are a concept that came from the book The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Last by Gary Chapman, and Last, but never Least is Phyllis Wheatley, the first black person in the US to publish a book of poetry. Aja read about Phyllis Wheatley in the book In the Wake on Blackness and Being by Christina Sharp. You can find links for all of these resources in the episode just option. Thank you so much everybody for listening. Peace, Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents j dot il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laias st Clair, and Aga Graden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Lias st Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. The poem I'm Not Lonely It's from the collected poetry of Nikki Giovanni Copyright Compilation two thousand and three by Nikki Giovanni, used by permission of Harper Collins Publishers. I like when my husband fall asleep at the office. He'd be like, I'm so sorry, I'm tired. Good baby. God. Just later, I stretched my whole body out like that. That is something that I wonder about with me and like ever getting married again. I'm not sure that I want to share. Yeah, and I'm sure I want to do that. You mean you're going to be here all the time, like there's no nights off, Like you're gonna snore. J dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. 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