King of the Poo Putts

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Speaker 1: Welcome to j dot im, a production of I Heart Radio. What's Up World? Wow, it's it's it's uh, it feels like a long time, but it's not. This is j dot il the podcast. I'm here with my sister friends, Age is Great and Danzler. That's me. I'm the Gorge Slayes st Clair. Yeah that's us. Yeah, yeah, that says. This is Joe Scott. And today we're talking about something that seems to it just seems to not die the way I wanted to. I wanted to die a terrible, terrible dude. Yeah I do. I do. Today we are talking about poo puts, poop. Let us know what a pop please? What's so poop? A poop put is a grown ass man, y'all, like that fillionaire, a grown ass man. Actually, women, females could be poop putts too. Typically it's not looked at that way. But we'll talk about that, uh and why. But we're talking about a poop putt. Is is a grown man that is I don't know, uh, in his forties living at home in the basement um at his mom's house. And she's not sick and you're not taking care of her right he is not a poop is not a caregiver. Yeah, poo is not a caregiver. A poop put asked to borrow the car. A poop put asked, What's what what mom made for dinner every night? You know, a poop poop put. I dated one of them in college. I came front, I did, I d a whole poop but he must have. He was almost thirty years old, still in undergrad like you're gonna be in school side, what's going I remember him saying something to me about I was like, so when are you you know, when are you going to move out? Like you should move out? And he said that why would he leave the castle? Why should he leave the castle? And it's all set up for him and all. That's like one of my favorite episodes of Sex in the City, the dude that lived in the penthouse apartment with his mom and his daddy and then when they came home he had to run because they were smoking weed to eat munkey's. But he was forty years old, right right, I'm gonna give this to myself. I'm going to say that I dated a poop ut because you know, it's that thing in us, so we see potential in somebody and the pen and the penis marvel There we go. That's really come on, keep a real agent. That's what it really is, the peni because if the penis marvelous, many things good, really many faults. Yeah, but it wasn't that though, it wasn't. It wasn't the penni. What it was was that he fit a lot of the characteristics at the time for my family, and my family liked that he was in school, even though he was in school firm. My family like that he had parents. Father, Yeah, yeah, yeah, all the all the stuff, because that's not something that you know, I grew up with our salt on a regular basis, was a mother and doesn't because your standards is low. Sorry, damn it, damn it. Listen, we can have another conversation about choosing from trauma as poo put is much funner. Let's stay there. Poot. Yeah, so that particular poop put. Yeah, I dated him because my family thought he was awesome. Where is he now, Jille, Do you know if he's still living with his he's well, no, he's not living with his parents. Unfortunately they passed. Um don't well, yeah, I think so. Um they haven't spoken to him and a long time and really don't have any need. So basically what he did was he waited out them poor parents. They don't passed away. And now he has the house to himself. Now he's the king. He look, look what what's the thing. It's like he's a kid. He's not only a member, but he is the poop President President, because that's your goal, president, because one day, Jill, I'm gonna own this house. You see, it's all want to be mine. So I just need to see you see I'm watching let us home. This is terrible because okay, wait minute, okay, okay, So how exactly do we you know, what is the criteria like when we're looking at the poop A six, right, how do we separate who is the pooper and who is just like in transition? How do ye? Yes? Because there's some people who like and I've told my children this. I was like, listen, this is your home for your life. You know what I'm saying. You are always welcome here, you can always come back here, right, So I just want to know the audience and certain cultures, that's what they do anyway, until you get your money up that part. Yeah, so it's a slippery slope because sometimes you know, um, somebody like you said, they're in transition or they're trying to figure it out, which we've all done. You know, like, what am I gonna do with my life? How? How am I gonna make this? Wait a minute, let me say this too. I know it's not fair. Yeah, I was gonna say that I was a poop pup, but that's not fair. That's not it's not true because I had to take care of my family, you know, so I didn't move out till I was twenties. Wow, that's still yeah. I had to take care of myself. You were paying bills though, because sometimes because poopus don't, they don't pay rent, pooputs don't. They namde on none of the bills. No, Poopus paid three hundred dollars a month, no matter what the mortages with free food and free lights and free gas and free water and free you know all of that. They but they paid three hundred dollars a month flat feet. Yeah, we gotta we gotta finish this list, though, Jill, because you you kind of started, but I might do. Poop Puts always have money for we and a video game, but nene for anything else. Tell me what did I don't go with that. Yes, I'm gonna say yeah, okay, and so and and and honestly, like a poop put, don't have a plan. I have big dreams, big dream stuff, a lot of ideas. But they don't write business plans. They don't don't write. They got a lot of dreams. And so let me ask you a question. A lot of times successful men do tell these stories about these ride or die women that you know, live the poop put existence for a while, hung in there and did this, and that she was with me when I didn't have nothing, when I was shooting in a gym. Yes, yes, yes, that she was with me when I wasn't nod body. And so they tell that story there. So I just want I don't want nobody to miss out on their blessing. This is what I'm saying, Like I'm just I'm only paying you know, I don't like to say the devil's that kids. I'm playing the opposite for the moment, so that we can make sure that we're clear, we don't stare no women away from their little blessing. And you know, just that we make sure that we clear on what it is. So they don't write plans, they don't pay bills that three a month, right about that? About that? Um, they have big dreams. Are these dreams? Do we need to Is this a dream? Because I heard somebody tell me after a certain age, like if your man is gonna be a rapper? Well yeah, that's yeah, to like, is it some dreams? Get cat? Yeah? Is there a cat? Boys? Like the majority of entertainment performance dreams maybe getting capp. You can write, you can still write your book, you know what I'm saying, Write your book, you know, or no more dancing you can't be doing you know. But the performative, Yeah, I think you should get you get that up where you gotta up like that? I'm thinking, Well, I mean I damn ta stam a pool put? What about a team turn? Because Tina Turner didn't start her solo career that she was volting five, but she did start her other Her career as a whole started when she was four teams. Okay, that's true, that's true. That's true. She was to keep that working and earning. She just wasn't getting any of her money, right right, right, right, all right? So here's my question out here in the single streets, right and even even in the marriage stree, when you start making a list of to things you want right, certain things over time outweigh some other things. So I'm I'm curious that if the pol, if the poolp put is loyal, if the poop is kind, h if the poop put is important, if the poop put and he's funny, funny, so would you take the pool putt over the one that have his own place and have his own plans. But maybe he can't keep his pinion to himself. Maybe not, Maybe he's not so nice, maybe he not really funny, you know what I'm saying, Like I don't know, Like what's the toss up? Because I think sometimes, I mean, we start to weigh things a little differently when we know and when you just have experiences, some experiences will shift that because I personally cannot, I can't be around nobody, I can't handle fun around yeah word, I'm sorry. We got to be silly, goofy the whole not And unfortunately most pools are really fun because that's a qualification. Good time, yes, but that's what is a good time. You don't necessary you don't invest your future in the poop buttinly, do your best not to have no babies with a poop. And to answer your question, Asia, you usually write somewhere a poop plu can pick up a baby from school, a poop can can bay. They just can't afford it. They just can't afford defeat it, you know, because they gotta get that nude. Yeah, y'all, listen, we know. I do know one thing though that Jill did say this a while ago, and it's like, you know, I think a lot of us want to avoid raising and or guiding anyone into put and so girl back because you know, my son staying on your phone like this conversation. I was saying, y'all like mothers. But you you're right, okay, okay, so you you you got a dog in this, right, You're right, You're right, You're right. Some only feel like a lot of single mom set sons up to be You gotta talk about it, Jill, talk about because because that's there make them up, because they hold them accountable for for their life and their actions. They're not required to earn a living for themselves, they're not required to take care of their children. That they're not required, you know, to to do much that a man as an adult, an adult should do. And I think that that is a problem. Like that frightens me. Honestly, I think about it a lot, like Okay, I do not want to raise whether it's my my sins is my son and all my nephews and and you know, all the little young men that I love. I can't take it. I will not have it like no, son, No you need chores. How close is the pool? But to the mama's boy, what's the what's the relationship between the poop? But I definitely have a mama's boy and hand nobody poop. But word, no, my son. You know, I would say he were good friends. We have a respect relationship, that's clear, you know what I'm saying. But he's extremely independent, and you know and and and he there's there's boundaries and requirements to his life sentence. You know this that understanding. There will never be a woman more important in your life, ever, ever, ever than the one that is talking to you right now. I have never let those words utter through my list. But I think that's some women who got man in the house to say that mess to their sons. It all depends on the relationship that they have with the man involved, because I know you noticed that you had said something about with with some single moms do this, and I have seen it happen with single mothers absolutely, But I also seen that happen with mothers who have husbands or men in the house too. It all depends on the personality of said man. I was about to say, is that the man, Yeah, because you're trying to raise the sound to everything that man in the house there is not maybe maybe not also too a thing is this? Here's the thing too. And and this happens with parents, depending on what happened to the kid or the parents. Sometimes parents can poo put their children just because they know that child may have had a traumatic experience or something happened, and their whole energy is around making life easier for the kids because they know that the kid's been through some things that watch go back and watch ray ship. That was some bomb ass mother, And to me who that was somebody? She sat there, she stood there, and she held herself while her child, who had gonline, was trying to find her and calling out her name, and and she just stood there. I was like that is not gonna be a poop put. It could be a lot of things, right, but our goal as parents are just I'll speak for myself as a parent, like I need this, this boy and my nephew to walk away from me, to to leave our home and fly fly. I don't want you to come back to the nest. You can come back and visit for two weeks, but you can't live here. You had your time to live here now and set yourself up for the world. I'm going to obviously, I'm going to help you set yourself up, but I'm not a t M. You're going to have to make your way in the world. Why because I did? Because because it's mandatory. How many jobs did I have ship? I had sold many jobs. I work contract because demolition. Yea, what I'm saying like, there's some stuff that you could do to take care of yourself, and I'm gonna I'm gonna need you to figure out what that is now while you're going to school. Yes, I'm here to help for that, absolutely, you know, if that's what you're trying to do. They usually come back a little bit after to Jim, I've heard these things, but but there's a time limit on that in my mind, because you have to you gotta fly, baby, you gotta go out there and fly and make your life. It's it's I feel like that's as a as a woman who only has one child, that is my goal to make sure that he is self sufficient, that he can take care of himself. He can wash his clothes, he can iron his clothes, he can cook some food, he can clean you know for his home goes. That he has a drive and a reason to have a drive. You know that he has that. Yes, because put poopos have potential, but no vision and no drive and and very little work ethic. They get by. It's just enough to survive. It's not enough to thrive. More real talk after the break, Let's consider let's let's consider the idea that the confidence needed to go out and and thrive right comes from a lot of different things. And so when people are unable to do this, you know that that has a source. And it may not be as simple as oh um, I don't want to. You know, just as the desire as a parent to not want to raise someone who doesn't have this desire, Because a parent can have a desire to not want to raise someone who has who struggles with this and still end up with a child that struggles with this. For many many reasons, and for men in particular, I feel we do a very terrible job of identifying depression, anxiety, or any of these things that are usually underneath the surface of of a poop that situation. And I'm not saying it's not always the case. I'm not saying it's always that case. But this is a societal thing, right. We don't expect for men to struggle with this thing. We want men to. We want boys and boy children to exhibit this fearlessness, this this uh you know, ability to go out and make a way for themselves. We have this expectation of them, and when when they don't display it at as the outside world, I don't see us always immediately go to compassion with it. Right, And so I'm not saying go day the dude. I'm not saying go have a kid with the dude. I'm just saying that we're gonna have to dig a little deeper, particularly with our guys, because like right now, we've we've dealt with several different situations with men in public that have exhibited all kinds of toxic stuff. And when you peel back the layers, it's like, yeah, recently stuff has happened. This person has some stuff with them, and so this this, there's a spectrum of that. So all I'm saying is this as parents, right, So if you can look back, even at Ray, the situation with Ray, although this was a really powerful moment for his mother, his mother is also dealing with a few realities here, some realities of having a child born in the earlier part of the ninety What you figure he's born in the nineteen thirties, yea early nineteen thirties, night late, okay. So she's looking at a child, a black boy, child in the nineteen thirties, okay, who also has a physical disability. So she realizes that his chances of death are high, you know. And so this, this the survival parenting is something as black people that we've depended on for many, many decades that we're going to have to eventually slide up out of. Now that doesn't mean that the other part of that spectrum is this disengaged, passive, aggressive as parenting that ends up with a child that can't even thrive. But what it does mean, is finding that little part in the middle where we begin to parent from a place that says everybody doesn't learn the same, everybody does not thrive the same, everybody doesn't launch at the same time. People will need this or that. If they don't have that, they're not going to function the same as a person who who did have that. So I don't know. I mean, I'm just thinking about all of these things. My adult son has never really given me an issue. But I got another son coming, so who's a very different personality. He's eleven. I don't know what type of twenty one year old he's gonna be. I don't know what type of eighteen year old he's gonna be. So I and I already have to approach my parenting with him totally different. And you also know, like, Okay, you don't know if you get it right until they're You don't know if you did that thing or not. As hard as you try right now, you don't know, and you won't know until they out of your house. M Then you know if you go over there and the house is a disaster, you know that you failed. You know you failed in something you didn't you know. Make this a priority, you know you or does your kid have adult a d h D or does your kid does your kid have anxiety? Let's take all of the stuff. Let's take all the stuff outside. I have a girlfriend right now and her her daughter has as Burgers, and it makes it very complicated for her to have relationships. As Burgers is such that you don't really have a filter. You don't really have a filter, and you don't really know how to engage with people and social cues and stuff like social cues all reading the room and things like that. And what she has done is she's paid attention to her particulars and made it a point that she got into that she put her into schools that would help her with social relationships. She put her in places that will benefit her particular that's parenting. What about parents who ain't got money for those type of schools. Sometimes it's not about money. It's about creativity. It's about thinking outside of the box. If you don't have access to these resources, about knowing these things. I mean, like I don't know anything about asked Burgers and I and I have a you know what I mean. I can't afford private school. But if you had a child who had as burgers you wouldn't know about I would know if I had access to doctors who would even do that, who would give a give a right a correct diagnosis. You know how many kids have incorrect diagnosis around learning disability, particularly with black kids. It's particularly with black children. This is all I'm saying. I'm only saying these things to say that what we will ultimately have to think about in terms of how we thrive outside of being children, Those things are not separate from the child experience and the parent experience, which is very much complicated when you are trying to raise healthy black children and oftentimes when you see an adult who has not been able to this whole failure to launch idea. This experience is so much different for our folks because it all kind of ties into some sort of failure, but not the failure always of the parenting. Often it's about what the parents have at their disposal, knowledge and ways of knowledge, resources, or even you know, something outside knowledge, outside of what they knew for themselves. When I think about the way I was raised, right, I love my mother. Everybody knows that my mom might as well be an angel floating in the sky. If you hear me talking about her, but the truth, but the right right, literally a figuratively right. Amen. But the bottom line is that she was raised with some very kind of serious, you know, baby boomer ass baggage that I had to sift room on my own. But that didn't happen until I was older, and also when I have my own children, because when my kids were born, what did I think, boom, I had a great mom parents kid like she parrited me, or or I thought even with my father or with you know, other situations where it's like, oh, well, that didn't really work. So I'm gonna try to do the opposite of that. So I think a lot of parenting and relationships that you have with children, it's all based on these kind of preconceived notions about what that's supposed to be like. And when I both know that black folks are way behind the you know, the line or the wall or whatever on what it means to be able to raise a healthy, happy child, just because we're just under so many different you know, boundaries and and ship in the world. Excuse me, I couldn't find my wife. I know, I know I'm not everybody, and you know, we talked about that often. I know, I'm not anybody. I'm a different kind of bird. But I grew up in the hood, and I grew up around a lot of death um on the corners, you know, I grew up around a lot of poverty. But at the same exact time, I don't know if it was necessarily something that was in me or something that my mother taught me. I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna say my mother gave it to me. She just kept finding beauty in everything, beauty in everything, and that changed my perspective on my existence. And when I looked around and I just saw I felt like there wasn't enough beauty in the places that I was in. And then, you know, she sent me to free camp, you know, that kind of thing, just to expand my mind. And then there was the Art Museum was free on Sunday, you know, just to see something different and feels something and live music that was free. We went because it was free, just trying to take my mind out of what my circumstances were. What are sir thumstances where I think that to me was the best part of her parenting, Just opening my mind to what is more And that's how ill because if you think about it, jail, it's already so different than what Jet is experiencing. Man, so that terrifies me. That terrorist, he's never lived in the house of one bathroom. I probably said this before, but you know that is my go to because you're going to the bathroom after somebody then blew it up, but you really got it, but you really got to go. So you know, putn't perfume in your hand, it's a lotion and going there and pay, you know, because you have to. He doesn't. He doesn't have those experiences, but it's it. But it's to me. I don't want him. It's like the thought of him being a poop, but it just works with me. My girlfriend, my girlfriend was always saying this, like when you need you to go and and hang out, Let's let's go to Philly. Let's look around. What do you like? What do you don't? But don't you like? Okay, this is where I grew up. This is the street I grew up on. This the house I grew up in. Is you grew up here? Mommy? Yes I did, Yes, I did. These These these steps are we sitting on right? Now, yeah, this is where I spent a lot of my time. Oh oh wow, yeah yeah, check it out. Do you like this? Is this what you want? If this is what he wants, If he if he only requires a house that is is forty two thousand dollars, then good for him. I need him to be able to pay for it and live that life. I'm not asking him to be me. I'm asking him to to thrive or to be everything that he can be. That's all you want for you, I was saying. My homegirl who she was? She's on the show Janis Johnson Diets. She came on. She says all the time that for those of us whose children are growing up in these kind of much better circumstances, they're like a big part of of them understanding these things that are innately in us because of our our growing up that they will never experience that service. Right, So service is a big thing. They're like making sure that they understand what it is to be in service to others and um that that makes a big difference in how they go out and become president in the world, you know what I mean? Agreed, So they already have it easier. You can't change that you can go outside. And that's the goal anyway. You know, when you have children, want their lives to be better than what yours were, Right, it all depends on what is the better? Is the better? And just to throw the another aspect to y'all, because we said we were gonna talk about the females too when it comes to being pool puts. I mean, it's funny. I was thinking about this and I was like, hey, now, I have been in the career for all of my life, literally since high school, the entertainment business, which is shaky as hell. So a lot of us entertainment folks have had to go home at some point, and even from Philadelphia, like I've had to take breaks from getting fired from a radio job in Philly and like go home to my mother's house. And I was trying to in my mind, I was like, now, what's the difference in my mentality and a poop? But I guess the difference in my mentality is I did you want to live independently and you wanted somebody's roof. You're trying to get there again, Yeah, because a true poopa is like, oh I'm cool here. My mom said I could stay here red free. I'm gonna save my money and just chill as long as I can. But I think the I guess the opposite of that narrative is no, you want your own rules, your own situation, but yeah, you may fall. And I'm grateful that I had a parent who said to me, if you ever do fall, your room is here. It will always be here. And to this day in this entertainment business, that has happened to me at least twice where I've had to take a Philadelphia break from being fired from radio and go sit in my room in my mama's house and figure it out while I was still working part time radio on d C. Because I ain't know poop But you know what I'm saying, right, because you don't. You don't want to live under your mama's room. Yeah, yes, but ladies we too, can You know? There are some ladies that are quite set up. And I think there's another thing that poo PUDs. I think do they make unemployment a career? That check is enough? You know, poop PUDs get by. Since we're still defining what poop puts just get by. There is really no desire to to advance because my Trader Joe's a Whole Food started taking them. It was might as well just taking Oh oh the what do you call it? EBT? Yeah, well, I I ventured to say. I mean, I could be wrong. I really believe people who who have this failure to launch. I really believe a lot of it is just depression. And I think that I really believe out of it is depression. We're happy, but happy. I'm happy, they're not happy. So I'm going on and I'm tired every time you're making us rethink everything. You ain't wrong. She always does that. She's not wrong at all, being a conscious person. I just don't want to want to consider all these I mean, you don't have to get into a relationship with a person who was suffering from mental illness. I mean, you have the right to choose. But I will say this much have the right to choose. And let me just throw this out here and say it firmly. You have the right to choose which issues you want to deal with your talk about another person. You have the right to choose, and the obligation to choose is what you want to deal with and what you don't. So if this this kind of ideas mentality is cool with you and you're good with it, then go forth have act. But as for me, um from someone who has dated a pooput and and did not want to be a poop put like, I just can't. Like I I grew up watching a lot of people be at home like their whole life with their parents. And I love my mom, but don't feel guilty. Now, what if they were depressed and you just never really asked them the right questions? You know what I'm saying. Everybody's gonna have issues everyone. I mean, I'm not excusing behavior, yeah, I think, but it feels like it feels like you're excusing I know, I know, it's for every day. I know, I know, I know. But there is a reason you're everything. I mean, we do know. So you got to find out what that reason is and then go forward. Well, this is my thing, right, So no, I don't think that we should be I don't think that you should have to solve this for anyone. I certainly don't think you should put yourself in a position of emotional or physical harm because you know this about a person. I think what is what I'm asking us to do is to make sure that the way we view this person is fair, and that we're using language that helps people to understand their own stuff. Because ifore telling people, hey, work your own stuff out and we're not willing to discuss what is really going on with them, they're not gonna ever work it out because they won't see themselves as having a problem. It's like you said, this person will say, oh, I'm happy or I ain't gotta pay no rent. They will never dig deeper to see what is the real issue. And that's that you're tion and part of people, part of people doing that work is about how we discuss it and and and it's like it's like anything in the world, like, for example, like how we require white people to have their conversations in private. If their conversations in private are not are are are anti racist, that's just as important as what they say on Twitter, or what they say out at their job, or what they say in their resume, or what they say when they're in conversation with other people. So when we're talking about people who have this, I don't have a problem with the word poop put like you gotta have a turn. But my point is as long as we understand that poop put nous is not always this specific choice that people are making. Sometimes it is very much about their inability to deal with what it is going on inside them, that this is not just laziness, or this is not just being trifling, or this is not just so and so and so and so, and it ain't gotta be for you in a relationship. And certainly, like I said, you're not somebody's personal therapists. You ain't gotta be in there telling them let me help you. So it ain't even about that. I'm just talking about just you know us. I'm just talking about the language that we use. Yeah, I know I know this about myself because I've listened to other other episodes and I'm like, damn Age, You're like, you know, but this is how I think a lot of time, you're always gonna have regrets. I just want to know, I really do. I mean a lot of it's just curiosity, Like I just want to know why why does a person act like that? Because I just don't feel like people pull this ship out. They ask and there's so many reasons, and then you get lost in that because that nobody is the same. Let me something to that, but let me space. Something just pulls the ship out there. I love that. I love that nobody just pulls the ship out there. Ass no, no body, oh man, oh man. But here, here's here's here's here's something too. Though, and I want to say this, we did have a conversation about people being quote unquote imperfect. Here's my thing about imperfections. We're all we're all not none of us are perfect. However, we gotta see ourselves as hold people. So at the end of the day, even though a person is not perfect, and that's okay to acknowledge when someone has done harm. There's a thing called accountability, and it's okay to make people accountable for the harm that they do carry. That is important. So I want to be clear that I'm not that person who's saying, oh, well, just because you're depressed means you could just you know, waste a woman's time or you can just do whatever you want to do. No, sir, if you do harm, you're accountable for that. And I and I will circle back to what Jill was saying that as parents, regardless of what our children go through or what they've been and through, accountability and boundaries are important. But if we're not able to jump in there early on and say these are the boundaries, these are my expectations, this is what is it has to happen without then also ruining their confidence. And there in lies the true fucking you know challenge of raising children, which is like the hardest craft on the planet. I don't care what nobody says, and I don't care what part of raising children you're involved in. It is very, very difficult to create boundary to to help people understand accountability, but also make sure that they are confident, that they feel loved, and they feel supportive. That is the balance that we're all talking about. This is the This is what keeps people from delving into the deep abyss. That is promptness. The balance of it all is the is the work because if you, I know, everybody you know you have a kid, and I'm not gonna say everybody, but most people want to provide more than what they had when they were growing up. I didn't have a lot of shoes, so you know, that shoes a thing. That's a thing I've been working on that, trying to down. But when you get you know, two pair of shoes a year, you start to feel some kind of way in the same shoes, like with this different outfit or you know whatever, thrift store shopping. I'm grateful for it all. Don't get it twisted wisides you wear again? Oh bitch, I'll be over your house, girl. I will send you a by Oh yes, praise to the tends. Something just some some I just I went a little far in my over from not having you see I'm silent. So now wait now my mother's up. Well she's also six one, so that I mean I'm five eleven. You are tall. I forget that. Are looking at her legs? The beautiful to say that only black listen. I love it, I love it. I take it all. Thank you. There's there is a mentality where we provide so much for our children that we don't give them like chores. You have to participate in a home. So I think that the food is gonna cook yourself, and then the dishes gonna wash themselves, and the child the floor is going to be swept. Really, I would love to see that house. I've never experienced it. I've never visited that house either, even whether if it was somebody that was insanely wealthy, there was somebody that cleaned the floors and clean the kitchen, and those people had to be paid to do that service. I'm just saying it has to be done or you're gonna have some foolishness in your house. R O d n T s is and that's real spell fast. But I'm just saying that I grew up fighting r O d n T s with the with the the Brillo pad stuff in the in the holes. I mean, first of all sins, let me just tell you something. In Philly, I don't care how much money you got. If your house is older than you're gonna get some Brillo pads, You're gonna have to have people come in and fill in holes and do all kinds of stuff. Girl. That's that's just that's called Philly living well. But I get what you're saying changes things. If you have dishes in the sink, if you have dirty dishes in the sink, you're gonna have more R O d and T s. This is true. Mother, Please teach your sons like how to do laundry. I know that's maybe sounding sexist, but I'm just saying a lot of them really don't mind it. Everybody teach everybody how to how to take care of themselves. Girls ain't got a because girl, well, we have a choice. Listen. Well, I'm trying to tell y'all, once we die I'm talking. I mean, hopefully we all live a long life, but once we die off, I promise you that these girls coming after us, they're not walking into marriages and relationships the same way we did. They're just not walking in there all in that automatically, automatically taking response to taking responsibility for meals and cleaning and all of that kind of stuff. That's that's left over. But so at the end of the day, he didn't cookie. I promise you mind, didn't. I promise you mind did not boomerang? Right, yeah, bam. First of all, let me tell you something. What's his name? Was? Know? What was the what was the son's names? Parents are my goals in life? Do you understand me? My goal is to have sex in the bathroom on Thanksgiving at my child's friends place. Yes, I listen, I stand parents. Do you understand that that and that in every close commercial with them older white folks. Yes, yes. The reason alone I'm inviting you over Asia and Fatina. I need y'all to come and I'll be on the floor somewhere, tickle to death. Yeah, they already there. We have already planned it. Trust people to tell you discussed this. We have already discussed it. Do you understand me? This is happening, Okay, except really bringing no children because we don't eat no pork. But I make sure I bring you a nice turkey ham girl, glazed and everything. But just if you don't, if you can't find me, don't come looking. That's all I'm gonna sun. Look, my sister and I were raising our children together, and so when I say my kids, I'm talking about my nephew and my son, my son, and we've already decided that when they move out, we're going over there and we're gonna make toasts and we're gonna crumble it up on the floor, and we're going to make up our beds or no, we're gonna go to sleep, and then we're gonna just leave the bed unmade and we're going to wipe our hands on whatever we feel like. And like I can't wait too, I just can't wait to do it. Whatever we get that age, you'd be over there cleaning that house like every other mother. I I don't go over my son's house and clean nothing. I don't go over there and clean nothing. Now I might buy them some towels a little or a rug or something. That's true, but I ain't going over there. Okay, So this is it's a change in the guard. Okay, the old guard. This is the new guard. I got it all right. Yes, I don't go and clean what. He can come and clean it up after him his whole life, and just go over here and clean. In fact, my son is coming over here today. Okay, you ain't gotta be angry about I didn't say. Yeah, no, I'm sorry, girl, I got triggered. I saw it. It's a trigger. And she had so many opportunities to be triggered, my god, but that was the one right there, she sweating like all tip we talk about. But I ain't clean at my son's house though. No, No, I'm sorry, I have flashback. No used to come over and planting flat flowers and my lord rental place and do things and makes love. That's something that I feel in my heart to do that. That's true, that with permission, because I don't want to do anything. My mother does that. I love her, but she does that she'll come over and move my furniture in a minute, my furniture. So see that's old guard. That's baby, baby but my parents. That's baby but my parents. Yeah. One time my mother came over to my house and tried to rehan some some curtains because she said they was up to I, ma'am, ma'am, if you don't get up the ladder, get on the ladder, off the ladder. Ye, I'm gonna tell y'all one time, I'm sorry. One tip my mother, what time? Mother? She wished she got a little older. She couldn't sleep that well. And one night, I kid y'all not what night? It was literally the midle of the night and my mother was sweeping. Yeah see I was like, I knew I wasn't crazy. Now I figured it out. It's the baby boomer mother's that was the last y'all are like generation X mom. That ship is different. Like he's saying she was changing. It ain't okay, okay, ain't no more cleaning up, acting like I'm cleaning up your room just to read your diary. They don't do that. Okay, I got it all right, Okay, Yeah, I'm learning. We'll be back after the break. Okay, I know, I know. Poop. Here's a poop up story. Got into college a good school, but before he left, he made a baby with a young woman. She was in the eleventh grades, the twelfth grades, going off to school. So the parents say, okay, well you're in school, you got into this good school, go go forth. He goes forth. The parents don't require him to get a job while he's in school. For me, anyway, I just feel like, if you've made a baby, then you have to help at least help support your baby. I understand you're in school, but you're also now a father. This is this is your choice, this is what has occurred in your life, so you need to do that. Anyway, he didn't have to get a job, So the young woman of the eleventh grader is now trying to take care of a baby by her self. I thought you were gonna say the parents just care, Okay. I mean, I'm sure, I'm certain that the parents gave stuff every here and there, but it was on her and her parents um to take care of the baby. He comes home freshman year from college and brings a new girlfriend. But Thanksgiving, I think at that point, I think about this quite a bit, like if I if I were that mother, like, I'm so sorry to be hard. You can't stay here. I'm sorry, you have to go home, go somewhere, because he has a whole baby, and he should be here with that baby while he's home. The baby wasn't and the mother wasn't invited to Thanksgiving dinner, mind you, Thanksgiving is what November and school started in September? What and the boogie black parents? Who do you people? And you got a new girlfriend and you bringing your girlfriend home? And and the baby we ain't here him? That's poop, Putton is that is the beginning and middle center. I think that is, you know, I think that's deplorable. I blame the parents for that one. But he might not be the one that's gonna be in the house though, Jill. That's the crazy part. He's not gonna be the poop that comes back to the house and lives there. He's probably gonna live a nice, successful life and just not take care of his responsibilities and that and start a family, right I got and continue to start families. Foh he did four in all? Oh, so why are you know what she's talking about? I can see her face is doing something you don't know. I'm sitting here thinking to myself, like, see now, I see so many little problems right there. Okay, come on, I see so many problems. First of all, the parents. This this is this is also the way that we think about women. We think when you have a baby as a teenager, that's the girl's problem, that the woman, the woman, that the woman becomes the heavy and when you start getting into that, oh, she gonna mess up his life. Blah blah blah blah blah. That that type of stuff, That thing where parents start to orchestrate the lives of their children. This is where that starts to get real deep, because then your life becomes your life becomes defined by the values of your parents. And even though on paper that sounds like a good thing, that can be a real crappy thing, because how do you evolve, How does the next generation evolved when everything about that child is dictated by the parents, Because the fear of those parents that he would never be anything because he had that child, they created a monster. They created a monster from fear. This is why I will not pair for her too, because I'm sure if he didn't resent her before for having the baby. He definitely resented her. As you keep going on, Somebody convinced him it wasn't his problem. Someone convinced him it wasn't his problem. All you need is for somebody to coast on something from your lens, and that's all you need in life. If no one ever questions you, it makes you question your own personal lens, then you're always going to be looking at things from a point of view that only read what's the word I'm looking for? That only reiterates, reforces your point of view. That's that's not growth, that's not evolution, that's not that's not becoming U a more you know, community centered person. That's not gonna happen. And you can't be centered only on your own needs and think you're gonna be a parent. That's just not gonna that's not gonna work. It's not gonna work never ever never. But again again, that mess right there is so classic. It's very old school. They're very very old school. You got a high children, Yeah, that's everything. Remind me some old DC black and Boogie ship like girl, you see black and Boie. That's what that sounds like. It sounds like she wasn't bougie enough in the first place. That part, that part because that she came from a certain kind of family that would have never been able to do dope. Don't dope? Right, yeah, sure you know that little tramp Yeah Southeast girls, Yeah yeah, and then and then one and another one and wasn't responsible or present for any of them because he was able to think that. That's when that's when parents set your kids. You set your get up to be a poop put because yeah, financially that's one thing. Driving is another thing. But accountability, like we said, is major, major, major, dropped the glass, you clean it up. I am learning that poop putt is a very nice word for something else. Motherfuck yeah, spoiled ass. But but may have the potential to be depressed, and so you should respect him as such and move on if you don't want to deal with that, you see. Yeah, I love y'all. I love y'all. I'm gonna let you do it. I'm gonna let you do it because listen, I is important. I kinda yes, I don't have no problem. What I'm saying here is this, I have no problems with you either. And the reason that I love talking to you guys so much is because you always give me an other perspective. I'll be sick or no, I know what I'm saying. I Yo, I feel how I feel. And then I talked to y'all asses life It's like but chill, but but Jill, what about And I'm like, you got a point? And then ages like quite supremacy and I'm like, yeah, you're right. Basically, I was just thinking when Asian was giving us that speech about having somebody in your life that doesn't always seek to your lands, I was like, well, me and Jil straight like we got Asia were the most well rounded motherfucker's you're gonna be. Look, we we we we love each other. We love each other, and I know that our desire is to make sure that the things that we don't want for our selves, we don't want those things for our sisters either. And we don't want those things five brothers either. We just don't want to see us out there taking up space. I want to be productive and part of the whole. So I get all of this, and I'm I'm absolutely anti poop, but you know what I mean, I'll just be trying to get us to dig underneath the service sometimes nobody who else gonna do it? Coming up next on the show, What's on Your Heart an occasional segment where we're check in with people we respect about how they're really feeling. Hollo, y'all. I think that's somebody calling. That must mean it's time for What's on your Heart? Looks like there is someone waiting to talk to us. How pleasurable. It looks like it's a friend. Her name is Mashie Sean Tayshanie from North Philly. How Elsie? Wrong, Psyche, It's really Macy Gray. I know, Macy Gray. If you don't know, I don't know how you could not know. Since the woman has sold over twenty five million records globally, glow blows my mind even that this is about the people. Okay, A firetime Grammy nominee and a winner, a Grammy winner as well. You we don't even know. We gotta put the Grammy nominee part in it. She's a Grammy winner, okay, and she's also a mental health advocate and co founder of the organization My Good. Hi Macy Gray, Hey there, Hi'm fantastic. We have one simple question, which is typically not a simple thing. But Macy Gray, what's on your heart? Jeez, it's girl. You know I'm in touch with my feelings already. I just got t went of minutes ago. Well, I'll say this. You are co founder of My Good and what exactly does their foundation do? What we do is we support families who have lost loved ones due to police violence. Oh, you hear about all those stories, but in the aftermath of their tragedy, they have a lot of need. Mental health is number one. And of course you noticed all the stories that you see. None of those families are wealthy, and none of them are in wealthy neighborhoods, so they always have huge, you know, financial burden's left on them, funeral costs. The ones who have kids, you know, grandma's are taken in their their grandchildren now. And you know you hear about these big settlements, but you notice you only hear about a handful of most of them. The families get nothing or they fight for it for years and years. So so we step into help people get back on their feet. Like we all move on because it's a new story every day. But but you know they get it's lifetime struggle for them. Afterwards, yeah, I mean that that that is such important work because, like you said, the headlines, they stay headlines for a certain period of time, and you know, and then also too, there's so much around what people feel like they can do or not do. But it's like these these families don't ask to be celebrities. They don't ask to be thrust into the spotlight and the way that they are, and they still have to go back and live regular life. And in those of us who live public lives, we understand that it's one thing when you're out and the light is on you, but then you gotta go home and you gotta deal with all of the things at home has to deal with, and you know, and when this is not something that people sign up for, you can't even imagine the pain in the quiet times and just to not being able to just pay your phone bill, and they have to deal with losing somebody that you love in the most horrible way. The fact that you that your foundation even exists says a lot about what's happening in society today that this is a norm. And I don't know, I don't know if any other foundation that has been supportive of families, what made you ever heard of it? What made you want to do this? Amazing? Like? Why why this direction? Well? I was, you know, I was reaching out to some of the families that just on my own to see if I can help out they needed something. And then uh, and then we decided, you know, to put it together. I already had five oh one C three for mental health, so I used it, but it wasn't active, so I used it for for this because you talked to those families and they really you know, like I talked to reality terrorist mom and everybody's going on about how much money she got, and but she's, you know, like just in pain because you know, her daughter was twenty six and nobody saw that comment. And and while we're all you know, doing I think she's getting up on the court every day trying to get those beliefs to be held accountabullet you know. So it just it just never stops. And you can say this, and you can send flowers and you can send money, but it doesn't really change anything, you know what I mean. That's the negative of social media. Yeah, initially it's a positive because you're getting out information that people aren't aware of. But then the negative is that like you said, it becomes a meme, becomes you know, a quick story that dissipates. But the families are still holding on to the loss of a child or father, or a brother, or a son or a daughter for that matter, or mother. Trying to trying to do a grief in such a long term commitment and committing to people's mental health and wellness is you know, beyond value. Like you can't even put an actual amount on you know what I mean, even though of course that cost, that's also a cost, you know, and you know, and trying to give people an opportunity to address that. I mean, we don't even talk about that part. You know, people just become a photo. They become Yeah, they become a photo. But with some of the what's the main thing that you've gotten from these mothers? I just just in the in the in the intimacy talking with them. What are some of the things that you've come away with that? Oh I stopped complaining. I don't I don't complain about nothing, because they have just real ship going on and and just crazy strength. You know. I personally, I have three kids in my own and I don't know if I would survive that I definitely, you know, I don't know. I don't even want to think about how I would handle that. But just the fact that they lived through it is amazing to me, you know, because of what they go through after and like I said, you know, all these family is you know, most of the time you see those stories, they're not in you know, they're not in Beverly Hills, you know what I mean. So that already, you know, fighting, you know what I mean, it's already the relatives kind of let you know that this has been a at least a small weight off of their shoulders. Um. Yeah, wait, would put a smile on some people's face, you fixed that, you know what I mean, You know what I mean. It's nothing you can really do. You can, Okay, we'll pay for your therapy and we'll try to raise somebody to put their kids through school. But it doesn't it doesn't change what happened, doesn't change the fact that they have to hear about it every day on the news or like I said, on social media. I think about though, that you know that that's such an investment in in life, being life affirmed, because you know, one of the things that really kind of hurt my heart was with I want to say it was Tatiana Jefferson and how her family subsequently then both her parents passed away not long after her, and just the the physical strain and emotional strains. So even even thinking around in terms of mental wellness and mental health and so important because that's keeping these mothers alive. That's something that that's keeping them there. You know, sometimes you're going going going to court every day, you're you're watching the news, and that that takes place starts to you know, take up space and residence in your body in ways that people may not necessarily immediately see. And we've seen that that can you know, cause even the parents too then you know, suffer from all kinds of physical ailments and things of that nature. And even with Eric Garner's daughter and we saw how she fell ill and then eventually passed away. So I just want to say thank you for the work you're doing, because it is extremely you're saving you are saving lives because it is very clear and we have evidence and conceived that intervention at this level can actually save the lives of family. So this is important work and I'm glad and grateful you know that that's something that you know came on your heart and you have the resources to to do something about it. Well, thank you. Yeah, we're still we're still working at it. It's still really new, like technically we just got going July last year. So I know, it's a lot, it's a lot. I didn't know having a charity was this much work, but but it feels to help people out. You haven't even talked about the mental health aspect. I mean, I know we talked about how you guys paid for funeral services, but man, can you talk about how, my good it's supportive in the mental capacity? How did that work? Yeah, that's that's the number one need. And it's a lot of them. The moms who have their kids, like Samaria Rights SAMs mother, she had you know, people don't know she had three other kids and her youngest daughter was there that day. Then I'll talk about she went to the bathroom and she came out and her her little brother had been shot. And so you know, she's she's dealing with her daughter, do you know what I mean on a everyday basis, you know, like just trying to keep her daughter going so much less herself. So it's a lot until yes, we we We definitely our big advocates for mental health, innoventing and supporting that as as much as we can. Yeah, but it's just it's so deep, you know, It's like, you know, how how do you how do you do that? You know what I mean? It's just so sick, it's sick, you said, yeah. Yeah, I don't know if if if everybody knows this or not, whether you know you follow Macy on Instagram, But Macy Gray is in my opinion, very lighthearted, like very silly, like a silly mom, likes to laugh, likes to have fun. And the fact that she is making this effort to help so many people in such a dark place. How are you holding your head up? How you doing? Yes? Yes, yes, yes, I don't know. I mean, I'm you know, I'm very lucky girl. God likes me, so good things happened to me. But you know, this is the least I can do. I help out other charities, But um, I just noticed, you know that no one was really checking for them after, you know what I mean, Like it's nice to go out and protests, but you know what what was happening a year later? You know what I mean? When they're still you know, going through it. So so we are me and uh two of my best friends, Graced and our sharing hairs. We all just came together just did it. Like no, like you be'st friends. That's so yeah, don't you like befriend It depends on the day. Lies we are lies. But this is we are definitely part of each other's sisters. Yes, oh yeah, that's true. This is a different it is like but can I just say this though? Are right without huge different but that but the funny thing is that we're not funny. But what I think is always just amazing is that when you see the innovation of this type of giving and this type of you know, being in tune, it's always the black women is you know, always show up. Huh. I can't even that's all loan compensation. That's a long conversation. That's a five day compensation, baby, that's a that's a conference. Amen. These are just favorite people, I mean mine as well Black women. So this is because we don't wait for people to tell us what needs to be done. We observe, we figure out what needs to happen, and then we go do it because and just go because because it's it's what's needed, you know what I mean. It's not because I had some experience, or because I waited for somebody to give me some money, or because of such and such like. It's like, no, this is what needs to be done, and we're gonna do it. But you know, I think of I think we get that from my mom's Yeah that part. Now many how many? How many people you know in the neighborhood? How many? So my grand moother had twelve of her own and her husband one. Oh, I'm living really small. Over has six. Oh yeah, that's a lot. That's how is How did yourself? He's twelve? Oh? Twell, okay, and she still got a break back. I got a baby. How old is your eldest sis? Twenty three? Oh? You got grown? People? You're asking? Still living in my house? It's a nice house. What did I do? You just just coody a good life? What did I do? Start to stop? You said, you fun mom? The fun mom. Oh my god, get out of my can do everything that I want to do in my old house, in my mama's house where I'm going and it's nice and she clean. Get out to get grace kids, I said, it. Get out, get out my megaphone. I just get out of my house on the megaphone. But the town part is, you know, they're just laughing at you. They on the phone FaceTime with their friends, like and she talking about get out of kids on the best part is that Macy could get up, pack her stuff, go somewhere else to turn off the electricity. That's what I wandered about. Everything else I'm thinking about it is gangster fly, little birds, lifely life, fly away, good luck now and go by, go by, call me, I'll see you later. You can come and visit for about three days and then after that it's time to go. You know, I'm not scared of locking the door. I told my kids, I said nights. I'm telling y'all right now, I love you, but get out, but you got to go. You do you have to go? No? I do, though, How do you? What did I do? You? Love? What happened? That is not what happened. Love is not what happened. I mean, yes, love happened, but that is not the cause. That is not the cause. What is it? May see, I don't know. Try you gotta give us some more information for your kids. Out of the house yet. Yeah, my two year old lives on his own. But but we helped them, We helped them to you know, but he he maintains his residents help him get out. Yeah, well, they don't want to say stuff. For my Sunday, I went to school and then came back for the twenty six year old. Is that can he can help him get Can we get him a spot? He could pay half a quarter a quarter. That's my daughter. She's like, I can't even explain her. But I don't know if she's ready to go. I don't know. My sounds ready, and my youngest is ready. Income income, property, income prost. They manage it, they live there, they pay their little stuff, you know, they get a little heads up in life, little property, a little situation, A good idea agent. Very nice about that, like a let a trap. Yes, advice for the well to do parents. Yes, that's not listen, that is not my situation. That just was using my and my and you was building all your ship. I was building on my imagination. Where it happened was at my house, my husband and then they had inherited. They didn't see because it's a regular black ship over here. Okay, I can dre the family, so remix. But but listen, it can be done. It can be done at every level, was all I'm saying. But you know, I think sometimes I think it's it's it's the comfort level number one and then number two. I think sometimes with some kids, they think I could go at any time. You know, I got an education and Mike got a couple of dollars. I ain't gotta rush it. I'm saying that, Yeah, the deadline, deadline tonight night. They be bad at us. Why don't I believe you? Why don't I feel like you're just as good and as gravy With a couple of months, maybe a couple of months, I have a way to gauge whether or not Macie is actually serious about this. At the gage? What is that? At any point this week did them kids climb in your bed with you to cuddle? Oh my god, No, yes, see so you're not really you're not really ready. You're not ready because if they get on that bad did they get on the bed. Mostly they come in here looking for weeds everything. That's what it is. That is not even just getting because like that means I don't have to buy I don't have to buy my own weed. I have to pay rent. I don't have to buy no food. I can want to be your child, can you? Yeah, come on, and I don't know what you like, Masie, but you need somebody butt naked in the kitchen making eggs. But naked. That's a good suggestion to making eggs seper kids. Yeah, that will definitely, Yeah, that's truly. Yeah, right, listen, because my kids broke out by their own daddy, we could call and we could call Bowler. We could call Bowler, motherfuckerun with the big that was on House the House Wiles, house Wives, and then that got a good idea stripper. Yeah, why don't I just pay somebody you ain't even really gotta like have attachment and yeah but boldig so I just thought a Bowler. Okay, that now that would freak him out. Yeah, I see, I see your in I see that. Sure, you're totally in the place, in a space. It was a good week. I'm sorry, I'm gonna yeah, I'm gonna call you. We're gonna talk. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that it was good. You did already said it. It's over. I'm sorry. Ok okayf the weed supply and let's start there. Okay, Well, thank you so much for being here, Macy, and if you would thank please share how other people can donate to your foundation where they can find you, what they could see being done, how they can help. Yes, So you go to MAGA dot org and you can either donate or you can sign up to volunteer because because we were doing a lot, and definitely use the support. And we'll hit you right back. And if you are one of those families, you also go to back with dot org and you'll see another link. Well, well, well we'll reach out to you and and be there for you. Sure if you're a therapist, yeah yeah, yea more. Hey, but I also I've got a record out. It's called Thinking of You. You could you can listen to it on all platforms. Is this the jazz record that you just know? It's a new record is called thinking of Me in My Bad Bad it's Macy Gray in the California jack climate. Nice. My good is making shoes. We got our own shoes. I don't have them. If you go on the Twins for Piece dot com because I love it, and so all the money goes right to My Good. Yes, My Good and Twins for Piece. Nice. Shout out to all the all the black women that are just seeing the need and filling the need. It doesn't matter if you're doing a very big thing or very small thing. If you're being beneficial to your community, it's a beautiful thing. Pery Young shout out to you may see. Thank you, Scott. How do you eat an elephant? One by Hi? What's up? Everybody? Producer eaves here. So the ladies mentioned the movie Ray, about the legendary musician Ray Charles, So I'll post a link to where you can watch the film and the description. You can find out more about My Good, the foundation that Macy Gray co founded at my Good dot org, and you can check out their collap with Twins for Peace at the link I'll post in the description. Lastly, Agent recommends an article published on the site The Cut, written by Dr Emani Perry. It's called Stop Hustling Black Death, and it's about Samaria Rice to me or Rice's mother. It's a great piece about Samaria Rice's life, how the media used to Mirror's image after his death, and how Samaria and other families of people who were killed by police are are frustrated by celebrity activism and how artists, organizers and attorneys capitalize off of black death. Definitely worth a read. I'll post that link in the description to until next week. Y'all, Hi, if you have comments on something he said in this episode called eight six six, Hey ju, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents j dot IL the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair and Age of Gray and Danceller. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Layah st Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. And then you got one on this team and one on that team. You gotta go to that game, and then that one has a birthday party and then the other one is said, the other one teeth clean, and the other one I just got a day day. Jay dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. 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