It Takes a Village

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of I Heart Radio. What's Up everybody? Hi, Hi, this is your friendly neighborhood Jill Scott with my amazing sister friends lies in Claire he e age a Graydon danceler. Yeah, and we today are well, let me just say this because we don't normally have this privilege, but today we have the brilliant, brilliant mc fonon to thank you so much, and that means a lot. You think I'm brilliant really means a lot. I do think you're brilliant. I told you, I think you're brilliant. No, I think you're brilliant as well. Like your album I don't make we never even I got even got to tell you the story man, like this, like your record, like who is your Scott? So my buddy uh calls with Field. Yes, yeah, you know what I'm saying. He you know, I had like some early mixes of that record, you know what I'm saying through another homie years that he was working with and I was working with. But and I just heard early mixes that record. I was just like, holy sh it, man, like this ship is amazing and that record got me through like a really a really rough time just in my life. That was around the time that my son was about to be born. So my girl Time was pregnant with my first son, and um, I was scared out of my mind, and you know, that record just really got me through that. And I just never got to thank you, man, because that it just really a ministered to me at the time when I really needed it. And I just want to say thank you, wowsers, thank you so like I now she does a side Snake said Snake and friends. We Agia actually came across this post on the in the well on the Graham thing and I read, Dear black people, we gotta stop pretending that the deterioration of the two parent household hasn't contributed to our issues as black people, especially with the last and present generation. This baby mama, baby daddy culture must be avoided instead of embraced respectfully. Dean. Yeah, yeah, So when I said that, when I read that, Asia jumped up and on her furious fire pitchy, y'all heart's going to pay me as the angry black woman. And I don't even appreciate that. Nobody never no no, no, no, no, no, no no it's not that it's, um, we're here to talk and where he just sparked this conversation. So as soon as I read it, I was like, oh, ain't you going something to say about that? I know I do. Yeah, here's the vibe, right, here's the vibe. I think it lacks a ton of context. It is. It's one of those statements that uh, we like to throw out there, and particularly we like to throw out there from a very privileged place, number one, when we are heterosexual or already married, or women who can give birth. Okay, so there's a lot of So I mean, that's just the first thing in my mind that pops out. It's like, well, you know, you're certainly saying these things from a positioning that society has already deemed you as more worthy to speak on it than anybody else. So that's the first problem. Second problem is what is baby mommy baby daddy culture? What is that exactly? Though? Like, and because I just I need to have a definition, like I can't either agree or argue if I don't have a definition. And based on the fact that she would even make this statement from the positioning where she is makes me believe that her definition is all wrapped up in all the isms that I can't stand classism, you feel me capitalism, And it's just like, these are the things that bother me about this statement. It's obviously not having a family that is healthy is going to contribute to the deterioration of our people, right, But that unhealthy family can absolutely come in the form of one with a mother and father act your own mother and and I think it's important that we stopped stressing these things because what happens is that what we do is we forget that there's some amazing people who got many many things from being raised by extended family Grandma. And we also do a disservice to our l g b t Q community who also raise beautiful, well rounded, rounded, you know, fabulous children and so but they and they're a two parent households too, though just on the flip side, I'm like l g b Q people, they also have two parent households as well, and sometimes they're single parents as But I think a lot of times what happens is that people do assume that this is hetero normative, because what happens is that when they have these conversations, you get a lot of church folks that roll and not saying that all church folks are on that too. Would you get a bunch of them in the comments, right, So when we gotta remember how these things go get mixed together. So that's just my body that's off the top, my issue with it, right, that's my boom, that's that's it's that, that's what they've wrapped me up. Maybe saying oh, oh, Walley and I actually followed this system. I mean, she sees a thorough system, like you know, it's not even like on some old like you know, I'm not rob roy with her, but I just can't ride. We are going to have opinions that don't necessarily mesh because of our perspective. That's just the way life goes period. Now, as a single parent, I would have definitely preferred not to be fat, she said, avoided avoided if I could have avoided being a single parent based on the happy, well rounded whole families that I do know, the ones where you know, mama needed breaking, daddy got it, or daddy breaking mama got it. You know, just having another partner in the home that loves your child as much, someone that you're not paying to be there, because that's a whole other situation. But someone that you're not paying, somebody that has a stake in this child's life is just as much as you do, is superbly valuable. Yeah, being a single parent sucks. I've done it. I mean, I've been a single dad. Like there's nothing to glorify, Like that ship is terrible, you know what I mean. I mean, you know it has nothing to do with your care for your kids, but it's just you know, you love your kids, but it's like having another set of eyes, you know, to catch things you know that you just didn't see. And you know, there's been several times that you know, my my wife has not the stuff about the boys, you know, my boys, and she was like, you know, you ever noticed that he did this or maybe he's acting a little And I was like, damn, I never even noticed that, you know, and and vice versa. You know, there's things that we're gonna see as parents, you know, different you know, as men and women. There's things that we're gonna catch that the other parents may not. And that's something that's been immensely helpful. And single parenthood is just not it is not easy at all. And that's the point. I think that's where I did from my stance. Either of you embraced that moment, though, did you say, you know what, I don't want to be a single pain? Um? I didn't say I wanted to be one. Right, So what someone tells you you need to avoid it at all costs, it's not like that happened to you because you didn't do all the things necessary to a voice. So my point is most people end up in this position, not because they just you know, it's like, you know what, that right, that wasn't the goal. But then it has another population of people and I'm gonna just tell y'all non parents and the single lady here that wanted to have a family that's been sitting on having my legs stretched open with a mail doctor told him I don't have a man. And he says that, you know, with knowing my five words situation and he's like, you got a little bit amount of time. And I said, well, you know you need a man for that, and he's like, actually, you know you don't. He's like, why don't you just you know, you don't need a man to have a baby. There's and that's why I feel YouTube Asian on the sense of you don't purposely go into it. But then there is a whole another aspect of life now where there are women who are purposely going into it because they don't any alternatives. And then there's the other side of things where, not for nothing, I've always said, there are certain places where there is more of a culture of non marriage and excuse death, baby baby, mama, baby father culture. I'm sorry to me. They are just certain areas where, yeah, it's not celebrated. Marriage is not celebrated, maybe because of history and generational situations. But I kind of used to I don't about to get in trouble, but I kind of used to say that about Philadelphia in a way that there wasn't a big marriage culture promoted and comparison to where I came from, and neither one is better than the other. One of Washington, d C. Where a lot of my my peers are married. And you're whispering. I'm whispering because I feel bad that I'm saying it out loud. That feel like I feel like Philly doesn't have a doesn't promote them a marriage. What I got, I know, my question would be what era of Philly in DC are we talking about now, because now is I don't know, well, you know, I don't know Philly in that way, y'all. You're much more noagual about feeling. But I know in d C. Now, I mean, yo, that ship is its shooting fish in a barrel. Now it's harder. I mean, the numbers are bad. It's like thirty men to every woman. So now it's like everybody's off. And that's why a lot of women again are planning on their single mother career life because they still want to have a family and have kids. So it's like, well, it ain't no men out there. But again I think that we're we're blaming a symptom as the problem. Right, So we have this situation that we find ourselves in that if you trace it, if you keep on going back to the rut, you're gonna find a systemic issue that we're responding to which causes us to have these issues and problems. And they're talking about I mean, and and that's why I say it's important. Obviously, not having a healthy household is going to, you know, add to the quote unquote issues that black people have. But what it does the undercurrent is saying that our personal decisions are the reasons why black people have issues. And the reason I take issue with that type of tone is that it takes all the attention away from the real enemy here, which is a systemic enemy who was white supremacy. White people. If you're taken away from them, they're gonna happily let you have it. They're like, sure, you always said, like I mean, I've always the last step, the last step in the cultural extermination of the people is when the oppressor can walk away and say, look at what they're doing to themselves, Like you know what I mean, when when all of a sudden, now bea so we're just gonna look at it's like, oh, look at all these single parents, and look at all these black on black crime all the ship. Look at what they're doing to themselves, really to themselves. So we're just gonna take away slavery, Jim Crow, redlining, all of those things that just happened in the vacuum. Like we just black people just woke up one day and decided we was gonna just say funk, our kids were leave, and we're gonna each other kill each other because that's just what we do. That's just who we are as a people, but without existing any of the context and the situations that created that dysfunction. Oh, we should put I should put a disclaimer out there. Then I'm totally understanding that this derives from white supremacy in the separation of our people and the continue destruction of the black family. I want to say that as I say my ship about anybody, please watch Claudine. Just just watch Claudine. The fantastic Dane, Carol and James Earl Jones get into it because it represents the seventies particularly and how if you had a man in the house you couldn't get your the food. That understands that no government assistance whatsoever. Be clear, though, as as we're talking about this, I don't like you said, I don't think that anybody chooses to be a single parent. If I could have avoided being a single parent, I certainly would have done that. For real, Jet was a gift and a surprise. I did not see my child coming. I did not think I could have children, and I was okay with that. I found peace when not being able to have kids, and then teach God, surprise, surprise, and the partner that I had. Also, you know, we weren't using any protection. Okay, so let's talk about that. Choosing not to use protection can very well mean children. And what I'm saying here is that you have to be mindful of who you're sticking your roots into. Okay. If this is somebody, this is your fun buddy, and that's what they are. If it's your your mate, your boyfriend or or whatever. Yeah, there's a big possibility that you're gonna have a baby. It's it's it's it can't about. You can make that same Jakie choice. You can make that same Jankie choice when you choose to get married. You can absolutely first twice got there's nothing there's you were awesome, it's not your fault. Love you forever, Yes, for real, more conversation after this, brave. No, there's nothing reasonable at all about conception, you know what I mean? Like, there's nothing like I think humanity depends on us being unreasonable human beings or else it will cease to exist if you had, like if you really had the time, if people actually took the time to think that, Yo, this five, ten, fifteen whatever minutes a pleasure, it's gonna end in eighteen years of five hours going hard. Yeah. I mean if you if people really thought about that, like they would not fucking have kids. You know what I'm saying. But humanity requires us to lose ourselves in that moment for it to even be a possibility. Because if you actually thought rationally about the ship, that's nobody would take that deal or you shipping me. Maybe that's the that's the gag there is that we're not thinking about the possible future because we're in the moment. We're not thinking about who we're with or maybe even why we're there. I mean, pleasure is pleasure, but with the possibility of having a child with somebody and that changes everything. So I am saying you have to be mindful of who you're sticking your roots into because what you don't want is to have a non participant. That thing hurts. It hurts a non participant or a partisan. I know, like me and my cousin, we you know, had this conversation like a couple, you know, weeks ago, just about how you know, we both You know, if you grow up in a single parent household, there's a part of you that has to think it's like which parent is worse the one that stayed or the one that left, you know what I mean, Because it's like the one that left is like you know when people talk about like single parents and single you know, the other party right with whichever the absentee parents is, that person has always looked at as old they ain't well for damn, they ain't ship. They're leaving their kids. Whatever I've you know recently and you know my past you is just based on the situation that I've been through in my you know, life with my kids. You know, sometimes I wonder if there is just to allow some grace for the other parents, if there is a way of looking at and say, well, you know what, as painful as it is that person is going, I can respect that they have the honesty to admit that they don't have the capacity for this, you know what I'm saying, Rather than them sticking around and like in like putting their values and just all the they shipped on the kid, maybe it is better if they have the picture now again that ship is not ideal because they're betting on the other parents being the better one. Because I'm like, yeah, what if you left for that reason and you got a better off with the other exactly exactly. They let Yeah, they're betting on did you you you know that they're betting on the other parents to be the better one because they know what their limitations and capacities as a human being, as a parent is. But most oftentime, and that's the whole, that's the woman, which is a whole. Another thing about how you know, one feels like they can walk away and a woman usually can't walk away as fast because for so many reasons. I mean, I just look at it like this, that the goal has to be that we have in the healthy whole people, and that healthy whole people, they're going to approach parenthood in a way that is going to be cognizant of whatever a child is lacking, and a child can be lacking in some really significant things in a household where there are two parents, both parents could in my children's situation, both of their parents came from a quote unquote broken home. So there were things that we just didn't know to do, either of us. And so there are ways if you're working on yourself and and Fatina and I are trying to heal ourselves, then what our children need emotionally is eventually gonna come up to the surface and it's gonna be like, well, how can I create something where they have this outlet or they have these other places where they can get these other other supports. So that's where it gets into like us as Africans, like how we do things. It's like when they say it takes a village, that's not some cute like stuff. That means the village is important. The village is essential, and that village is essential even if you have two parents. The whole idea of a nuclear family that is some um westernized thinking outside of not even just against African thinking, but against even traditional European ethnic thinking. Because big Irish families big as your families, they came to this country to also and functioned with the village mentality. But the idea of American is exceptionalism. That is what has caused us to think or isolate ourselves into these mom, dad, two kids, pick offense, We're gonna function how we do in this household. That individualism is really to me, the big part of the breakdown of the strength of black family because black family has never ever functioned like that. It is not an isolated thing. My kids need their aunties. My son CAUs Laya all the time. Yeah, because I think there's a big part of that, you know. It's it's like the principle that we learned who we are through other people, you know what I'm saying. So it so it's like if your kid is in your house with your two parents and their brothers just or whatever, that's one thing, but learning their aunts, I mean, like just over quarantine. Like I've been having conversations for the first time, you know, sadly um with like my grandmother, Like my grandmother's ninety four years old, you know, and I try to make a note like to call her every Sunday, and we just talked because you know, I'm just realizing it's like, man, when she goes, this is like a library that's dying, you know what I'm saying, Like, I mean, you know, these are stories that I will never get to hear firsthand again. And you know, she was telling me stories about like my uncle's that and these were her brothers that passed like way before like I was even born, you know what I mean. But she's telling me stories about them, and she's telling me a story about her dad and her mom and in hearing those things, it's teaching me more about myself and and I'm understanding, like damn, okay, well that's where I get this ship from, or that's where man, you know what I mean. It's like all kinds of dots are starting to connect, and you know that's something that you know what Angel was saying, just in terms of the village aspect, it definitely takes a village to raise the kid in terms of having a bunch of sets of eyes looking out. I mean, I grew up in a small town, you know, Rule North Carolina, and if I did something bad and school, I heard about it three, five, six times by the time I got home. Everybody knew. You know what I'm saying, Like every board you show your class today, you know you better than I'm like, damn, Like that ship was the original black Twitter nigger. You're growing up? You know. He just made me think up. I'm sorry, this is totally random, but this is a little Fonte unknown like fact that I wanted to share with Asia and Jill. Did y'all know that as a little boy that Fonte was in the color purple? Yes? Yes I did, Yes, I did? Had Can we can we say it together, like, yeah, which part of his line? Well, he didn't. He didn't have a line. I didn't have a line that was you with all my heart, with all my heart, with you beyond, tell them what you did? Yeah, like so I was. So. There was a scene when they're running through like with with with with Celia and Netty are doing laundring and hanging up clothes and she's like telling her, look, you gotta fight, you gotta stand up to him, and these two kids go and run through the sheets and she tells him like, y'all get out of here, y'all get out. I was one of the kids that ran through the sheets. That was mine. Yeah, that was Let me just say, let me make feel real old right now. Do you know that movie celebrates its thirty five anniversary? Hey man, I love it. Yes, this December it celebrates his thirty fifth anniversary. With my girlfriend and I dr Yabah Blake. We speak in color purple, yes, yes, and so it is like it is it's part of our our homegirl Cannon. Yeah, man, my grandmother. At the time my uncle got Rest in Peace, Uncle Mike. He was working at Anson, Texas. They shot it in North Carolina. They shot in Anson County, which is this county like corn kind of going back east from where I am. But um, they shot it there. And so my uncle at the time was working at this community college, is like a financial aide advice or whatever, and he told us and he was like, Yo, they're having auditions for this movie down here, y'all should come and do it. And at the time, the working title was called moon Song. That's what they were calling the movie, and so, um, we were just like I was like, all right, not Brandon. I'm six years old. I have no idea what the funk this is. And so, um, you know, I went and we went down there and it was during the summer and it was like hot. We went for auditions and like we're go into this building at the college and it's like all these people. They're like everyone's there, and so they called me in and it was me and this girl who was nine. She was like a bigger girl. And I'll never forget. The audition was they wanted us to pretend that we were hungry and we wanted our mom to like make us a jam sandwich. That was the audition, and like you had to display anger you know, and so they were like, you know, like give me some jam, I'm hungry, and they would direct me like do that, and I was just like, Okay, give me some jam. I'm hungry. And then the girl doesn't and she's like get me. And I was like, holy funk, like y'all gonna feed this girl. She home really like I was scared of ship, you know what I mean, so um, because she was really in it. And so we did it and I walked out, and I remember walking out like feeling like I failed, you know what I mean, Like I thought that I was like I didn't do as good as she did, you know, but I just kind of walked out. And so, you know, we we we leave. Said so then maybe like a week or two later, we come home and we come to my grandmother's house. This is my mom when were living with my grandmother at the time, my grandparents. And I'm in the den and I'm sitting in the den and the phone rings in the kitchen. My mom goes and picks up the phone and I hear her scream and like, I know, it's not a it's not like someone died, right, you know. I mean, I was like Okay, what then this happened? And so she tells me and she said, they picked you be they want you to be an extra in the color purple. And it hit me because I was like wow, I'm like okay. So the time, I remember seeing that book in my grandmother's home, like we had you know, my grandmother and grandfather they were both teachers, so there were always books in our in my childhood home. And I just remember seeing that book like my aunt had it and she had like pages ear mark, Like I just remember that book was always part of my childhood and um, you know, and I remember trying to read it. But I'm six and I'm just like, okay, this makes no sense, right, but um, So we went out there and we got there and you know, they put us took me to the you know, the little set where all the costume was and stuff. When we get out there and you know, I'm I'm in it. And so we're going through and I remember meeting Spielberg at the time, him and Amy Irvin. They were married and they had their son Max. He was a kid. So I remember her like breastfeeding and I remember telling my mom, I was like, man, like that white woman got a titty out. She was like, what, get your damn me because I just you know, that ship was I've never seen that, you know, but she was just feeding him. And then I remember Danny Glover like I was really like scared of him, like because he was I mean, and he was the sweetest guy, you know what I mean. But you know, you see and take out to take of this nigga, big nigga beat going on people, Yeah, I'm like, oh, come yeah. Her. The first person I met on the set I'll never forget was a Couswabusia who played Nettie, and she was just like the sweet like, oh you little, you little chocolate boy. You're so sweet coming here. You're so beautiful. And I'm like, you know, nervous, and I'm like, what in the hell because I mean, she's gorgeous and you know, and she was just mean, literally, I mean to this day, like, I mean, she's just in person, she is one of the most beautiful people that you know, I've I mean, she's a queen, right, she is a queen somewhere. I think she is. Now wait a minute, she's really a queen somewhere, Like she read y'all Nettie with Africa and became a real quick That's what y'all is That what y'all try to tell me that not immediately it's like after John Singleton, but still you know what I'm saying that John Singleton, and I want to say it was after Stevie as well, if I'm not if I'm not mistaken, listen here to your family. Here's the thing. You know how conversations are. They start somewhere and they go somewhere else, and typically it would just be the three of us. But this is a rare, rare occasion. We have the privilege of having Fonte talk to us and share about being a father, being a parent, about being on the colored purple like that's so that we're just gonna ride with this. We're just gonna ride with this very special episode of j DOT. It's a very special episode. I want to ask you about uncle days. You ever hear that phrase daddies? I may have made the sign it's not like your mama is like my daddy mama's friend. Is that kind of what that is? Uncle Daddy's are not quite as present as dance like real you know there's father's because you know biologically you you made a child, so your father. But then there's dance. Uncle daddy's are not as present as dads. Like dads. They come around holidays maybe and the birthday. That's about it until the uncle daddy isn't actual father. He's the biological father, but he behaves like the uncle that just pops. Okay, I never heard that. I never uncle daddy. I'm pretty sure I just heard that as an absolute parent, Like that's kind of that's what we called them. Yeah, they just showed up like on awards days. Ship you know what I mean, take pictures and yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, that's big. God bless to keep my resting father. But I promise to tell y'all that that was my parents biggest fight. Right there a Ward's day. Whoa, My mother will be waiting at the entrance to the auditorium. Do you understand me? She like, if the niggers show up, he ain't sitting in the front. As sitting in the front, you hear me. I'm trying to tell y'all my parents used to go by. Bob used to go off about that awards day. You can't come here and reap the benefit of awards day. You ain't outfit, you ain't even on this. Let me see your award. You don't get the whole that you can't hold that out there and you need to know that every year around the same time, your kid goes back to school, and every year they grow, you know, size or two shoes, underwear, socks, they need things like lotion and and soap and food, food if their boy, they need to know how to pee in the toilet. Y, yeah, you feel my attitude. I have one, and you know, I went online and I figured out that the putting the cheerios in the toilet, you know, it's like for the cheerios. Because I've never had a penis, I don't I don't know how I did. You know, I did not learn to piss on you, so you can aim. You know, if you're a single mom and you don't have anybody, you know, there's there's a lot of creativity involved about things that you know not Yeah, yeah, I definitely learned to piss on cheerio. I think where I got kind of lucky in that aspect. I'm just naturally just kind of o c D, kind of clean, neat freak. So anything any you know, any splash or something that got on the toile or to side, Like look at that concept afterwife, I didn't know that. That sounds like it sounds like some motherly love and attention, like hey, listen, you're gonna not listen. Man, I'm so scarred by Saturday mornings and a damn a motherfucking comments bottle, the bottle of Oh nick, let me tell you something. I don't know about comment. I don't know about that com You gotta put that comment in the tub cleans with comments, that was the thing. That was a thing. Jail comment or clean your knees girl. He was a black girl. Yeah, I was a black I was a black nigger. Well I never was because my grandmother did not cleaned your knees with cuss because it was it was it was the early Yeah, dad or lemon. You know some lemen you know that don't do that to your children. But to this day, my knees are not darker than my legs, and that's because I really don't well, you know what, the black folks, bless us, bless us, bless us, bless out of the mouths of necessity, we will come up, honey, we will figure something. My mother will save your life and traumatize you in the same five minutes of interaction. I love it so much. Just like my grandmother used to put W. D. Fordy on her knees. Oh ship move forward, she thought, oh you. She would send me to like the car shop to go get her some She lived to be old and then a night she was not a runner. But until the end the legs above her head. Let me let me say this thought, Let me say this, let me let me let me say it is just as just to put a kind of you know, some context of this. They don't make niggas like that no more, Like let me just you know what I mean, Like like they just that model of movement that should have been discontinued if you try to go to the factory and look for parts for that kind of even they don't make them anymore. They like that. Listen, man, you can't like the way like like your grandparents, my grandparents. Dude, you try to do that ship now, nigga, you out of here like that. Just don't. Yeah, it's like it's like drug addiction. Like yeah, I don't tell my buddies like you know when they say like all these artists like when they see people like dying and like, you know, you see artists like you know, overdosing and like stuff like that, and they look at dudes in the seven He's like, damn. But George Clinton was doing all the drugs and Keith Richard was. It's like, listen, you understand what drug addiction was in the seventies versus what drugs now, those are two different things. In the seventies, like you lived in the time when the world would stop, so like when you got off stage, you know it would you know, TV would go off right, Like there was not a twenty four hour news cycle, so there was somewhat of a break. Like when you got on the Plan, you went somewhere in peace and you could actually disappear, like you could actually be unable the time of you as us as human beings being unavailable. That just doesn't really happen. So if you're doing cocaine in like and and and got your Instagram stories and tiktoking and all this ship because you got too much, actids are going off and you cannot stop. You cannot stop the business. The business continues at all. And because we have so many outlets, and there's always like you said, TikTok, there's so much social media, there's so much television, there's so much of everything. You have a phone, you know, wherever you go the it was going to be some kind of crazy. You know, you're gonna get kidnapped. This is you know, my imagination and my conspiracy theories. Um that you're gonna get kidnapped and you're gonna wake up with you know, robotic arms and hands and legs and stuff to be a sideboard. You know what I mean. That they were going to infuse us into the system with robotics. However, yes, but you don't even have to We glued to the thing in our hands that we carried around. We don't even have to have it infuse. That's infused the stuff to our hands. Got I got hand into my damn phone. No, you got nack injuries because of your damn phone from the back of my neck. Is I didn't see it interesting? You know what what I'm saying, I see it right now is you're looking down it like you you just have a withdrawal. I thought, I'm sorry I said too much so saying that this is the Partner show with me and like your fight and where we where we actually go all back and scrap. This is that part. I'm trying to be there. Quick second, I'm trying to be there. And guess women, I'm bringing oil. I'm just down Jill. You always I'm a making money. She gotta make a Nancy every time she got making nasty talking about because she don't believe it, she don't want it. That's why we love it. Because well I'm gray in the amount because but listen, because the immortal words of our philosopher, if you ain't nastyam, and this is what gets us having children with somebody, we should be having children. Hey, put us all in the club, everybody in the club, because all of us that looked at them before and said, wow, that's you. I mean, I'm saying this. If you can strap up, if you're if you know you're not trying to be a parent, I can't strap up, then you have to take a little snippety snap snap got you have to do something because what you end up doing as an absentee father or as a uncle daddy is you're putting a whole rack of pressure on one parent, which sucks. As a single parent, I can tell you that that sucks, and you have to resource. You gotta go out and again, you know, create your village, find some sincere gentleman to be a part of your kid's life. And yeah, because when you do that, you you also, like to what you were saying, you put under a lot of pressure on the other parents, and you also up end the parental dynamics. So now all of a sudden, rather than both of us being gets together, now it's one parent is the work parents and the other parent is the fun unfairly, and that is not what parenting is, you know what I mean. It's like you get to show up and throw the party and take him to the mall and do all this ship. But I'm the one that actually has to do the work the day to day, you know what I'm saying, The homework, the cooking, the mills, the actual fever, the the vomiting in the middle of the night. But I'm scared because I saw something on TV all night long that that business. But then the other parents shows up with a pair of Jordan's and it's just like, oh my god, but big Jill, I don't know if you heard what he said, but you put the scissors where your mouth was. And he actually did take the snip because he knew he was done last ye it was done. It was like not and you know what, And I and honestly saying, I've told Asians before, and I told for teens before. Like I read an article about you know, we pretending he talked very openly or like about and you know, and I read and I was like, wow, like it just it gave me a new perspective. You know, I never heard anyone, any man like talk about it. Yeah we had. Yeah, we did a whole episode of six is it. Yeah, we did a whole episode. And want to talk to his doctor and everything. But you know, like again, I understand accountability, and accountability is important. I don't care who you are. Individual. Accountability is important in terms of the type of life you want to live. And that's what I'm getting in and I get that right because we're talking about this and and I understood where it went and how folks you know Agia Fonte like yeah, you guys are like wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say, but there is a certain level of accountability that has to be put in place. It has to be put in place. When the person you're dating does not talk about their children they have children, that is not somebody you want to consider a potential mate. That's not somebody you want to consider a potential father to your child. If all of the baby mamas, however many they are, if there's one to three, seven, I don't know however many there are. If they don't like him, you may want a denominator, for sure. There's a common denominator. You have to consider these things. I'm just saying, I think all of those things work together. Those things work together. I just those things are true, and they are true, and they stand alone. I think we've got to be real careful about how we make those things. The reason black people got problems like this is the part where I'm just kind of like, okay, let's just be careful how we intersect. We do we agree? The attempt to deconstruct the black family is one of the reasons, like do we just go general like the the purposeful deconstruction of the black family is the reason. Oh yeah, I think the deconstruction of the black family and then just the deconstruction of you know, of black people. You know what I'm saying individually as you know, as men and women. You know, I think my whole thing is just like listen, I understand that black men and black women we have all harmed each other and been you know, have been extremely you know, hurtful to each other in different ways. I want us to acknowledge that and to work on that and have conversations with each other. But I also want us to have the common goal of understanding that none of that ship is our fault, you know what I mean, Like we we all were taught or I won't even say talked. We all were indoctrinated from a very fucked up manual that we had no hand in writing. And you know what I'm saying, I just want us to start there, you know what I mean, like we can we I don't want us to attack each other. I want us to attack the problem, hold each other accountable, talk to each other, you know, honor each other's feelings, but understand it, Like yo, none of this ship, this that that script was already written before. We find absolutely, without question acknowledging that truth. That is the whole truth. Now to begin from here, to begin from here, and that's the purpose, that's the point more conversation after the break, and I thought twenty was a time that you know, really gave us just some of the conversations that I've been able to have again my family, you know what I'm saying, my friends, both male and female, particularly black people. You know, we have been able to have conversations now where we are now able to rethink everything was like a slate, you know, that was the mark to me, That was the mark that said, this is how you know that whatever you was doing before this, that ship wasn't working. So now is the time for you to examine all of your old processes, relationships, um, you know, constant, anything that doesn't serve you, that hasn't been serving you, like, now is the time to clean that ship the funk up, because whatever it is, once we come out of this period, you know, the skills that we're learning now, we're gonna need those skills for the rest of our lives, you know, for the duration. And you know, my boy's talking to night about how if you think about like Jill, like you talk about your grandma, how if you had grandparents or relatives that grew up in the depression, every you know, grandma in the South. They got that freezer into into the gard that's got likeds. We got one to you know what I mean. And it's like those are customs that you know, people who live through the depression, who lived through hard times. I mean, those are things that they customs that they adapted and they never let go of, like seventies mom, I mean like they're still doing that. And so now, you know, with the things that we're learning now, I think we're learning some if you you know, if you're intuitive and you're working on yourself, I think this is just the time where we're able to kind of separate what's real in our lives versus what's bullshit, Like I know you smell. Have you ever seen them? Yes? I have, Yes, I don't think. I haven't seen him since I was a little kid. To be a dentist too, I haven't seen him since I was a little kid. How did you get in between their little legs? Huh? Say what we got? You were nasty? I don't know that, you know what. Shout out to my favorite mother for giving me that joke. Okay, crazy, I was so thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. And that's that. Yeah, she's great. On that note, we're ending in some laughter. We have one question for you find sure what's on hard? What's on my heart? Man? I think everybody and um, yeah, I think you know. What's on my heart now is just kind of touching back to what we were talking about earlier, just using this time. You know, the biggest thing that what this year has done for me is that it really gave me the opportunity to really take inventory of my life and really determine the person that I want to be, you know going forward. And uh, you know that was something that I never had the opportunity to really think about because I was just so busy doing and working and recording and touring and this and that. You know that I never really had the chance sit down. It's like, yo, man, like who who do I really want to be? And you know, Corona was in the I've set this before, Like you know, it's not a game change, it's an accelerator, you know what I mean. It's things that were not you know, systems that have been dying for a long time, like J. C. Penny has been dying forever. Two weeks of the wrong and got them niggas the fun out the pen. I mean, I really do miss him. I got great towels from there when their sales were magnic. So um, So you know this is so this was like my time of just thinking of, you know, the person I want to be, thinking of, you know, just the you know, the man I want to be for my family, you know, and just cleaning up just a lot of you know, ship within myself and just really facing myself in a way that we never had the opportunity to. And you know, COVID was like, like I've said, it was God calling everybody's best and so you know, whatever you got in your hand, ain't no bluffing nigger, Like you got to play that ship. You know what I'm saying. Yes, yo, my nigga. Me and Fatigue was having that conversation the other day. It was like, bros that we put off Yeah from Circa too. I may tell you, man, I know so many couples right now that like going through divorces. I know so many you know, people that like done lost jobs of course, and then some people that leaving jobs. Like this is the point where you know, I think for me and what I've seen just a lot of my friends they're looking at their lives and they're saying, Okay, this is one of the most uncertain and just craziest times in human history. And if I can get through this time and out this bullshit, then when did that ever serve me? Right? When did it ever serve me? When did it ever serve me? Like if I'm if this is the point in my life where I'm at my most vulnerable, my most you know, uncertain, like we don't know what's happening, has no worth now, ain't got no worth now. It don't have no worth now the worst time. It doesn't have any worse, never had work, it never had any word, it never did come on listen. So yeah, So that's what's come on my heart, man, just thinking about you know, just you know, moving forward and just you know, taking care of black people, just you know, I's just taking better care of each other in the future. That's why I want to see and that's why I want to come on and just chop it over with y'all. I feel like I'm on the view with some ship like I've never done. I've never been on so perfect because I hated to tease Fonte all the time and say you are such a friend to the black woman, Like I appreciate you my brother and my guardian and so many situations where it feel unprotected, and I just appreciate you so much. That's all. I appreciate you too. Man. And I tried. I mean, they listen, you know, I mean, no one's perfect. I ain't always got it right, you know what I'm saying. I'm always working on it. But this was definitely a year. And I mean it really did. The past couple of years with me, you know, getting remarried and just even that time, you know, just being in therapy and like really just heard he said it. He said it out loud. He said, it's not you need it. I mean I just told one of my buddies. I said, listen, bro, it's like this, man, like I look at it like this. It's like your twenties is when you fuck it up. Come on, like you just fuck it up. Your thirties is when you say, you know what, I would like to funk up a little less, and so you make changes, try to fu up a little less. And then in your forties is when you realize, yo, I'm fucked up. I have to I just want to I want to I want to insert myself there for a second and say that is the black man. That's for me. Okay, okay, that's okay, not just not just a black man, but that was for men. What's all love to you? Because our thirties, our thirties is when well I put this away, when ship tries to funk us over that. Women. Yes, our thirties is when life comes for our ass and our afforities is for not giving a fun feel. Now that now, that part, that is where I think we link back up, because, like Nick, let me tell you something things I give a funk about. That is a very shortly kin. A lot of my sentences start with what you're not gonna do? You're not gonna do? My mine always start with let me explain something to right yours and mine start with Nick, let me tell you something. Let's right, let let me tell you something. Yeah, trans short and everything I translate that. Listen, That is all right? That that work as I like. I like listen, Oh ladies and gentlemen, I'm so glad that you listen today. You are meant to be amazing in this life. It's supposed to be juicy. It's a closed a drip down your wrist, Darling, and anything else is a waste of your time and your existence. Go away, get off for here and be fantastic. Well, thank you so much for your time. Fun tay Man, thank you all for having me. This is beautiful. I appreciate it. Yeah, laugh because I'm nasty. Yes, yes, you never ate a peach disgusting. You just go right to the nasty parts. That's not even what I was saying. It was like, that's nasty too. What are we doing? They're sexual? I'm sorry exactly. You see what Fante is doing. All fruit is sexual. Seriously, you gotta you gotta eat you gotta eat that peach from the fast. It's the best part. And it's fine. You're so good. He's lessons stall lest Hi. If you have comments on something he said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il the podcast This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laiah st Clair, and Age Graden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun's produced by Laya st Clair and me Eve jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Larenger. J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.