I Blew It

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Speaker 1: Welcome to j dot im a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, everybody, welcome to Jave dot Eller podcast. And yet we started off with a belch um, it needed to be done. You know what I'm saying. I'm sitting here with my friends, my sister friends, Liah st claud That was Jill, not Liam that that was me and Adrian Creet dancler My gas comes out another way. So we're just we are here. Everybody's does it does everybody's guess the tendency for me is what I'm saying. Well, I think that's how it goes. Man, are you a putter? I'm a bit of a putter. I think that's what happens. You know it's okay, Well, you know I'm rocking with seconds into the show is at I'm trying to kill, don't she says she and I'm like, yo, it's probably too much. She sipped, we try didn't see this. She sipped some tea after she said she knew it was shade within herself body expressed the even realized I was doing honey, listen, baby, is that what is that? I don't know. She's gonna school you today. You're gonna get scooped. It's really I'll take it as love. I'm gonna stop you, you know it is. I'm gonna take the half and half out of my coffee, babe, Okay, just a girl. I'm telling you. I'm so proud. That's good. I'm sorry. It's it's the oat milk for me. Yeah, yeah, it know. I call it oak milk. But see that's the actual dairy that I that I engage in because I just like my cream in my coffee. The oat milk virgin has nice flavors. They have hazel nuts and some caramel. It's very nice. And I have to say I've noticed that the gashou is mature of myself declined. Yes, hunting, Yes, everybody. Everybody farts everybody. I used to think when I was when I was like a young Joan, and I didn't. I didn't fart, you know what I mean? I could I could not fart around people for days, holding in like when you have a boyfriend, like you did not pass an, I didn't. I don't know about Adeline. I wasn't. Is important to understand that it does not involve gas either, but if it happens, we don't worry shoulder. We don't worry about here. I don't want wow to to be that confident. Okay, yes, it means that confident with with gas and a shoulder ship me. This is the goal in life, is it not? This is the goal at at least, like I wait, my body seems to know when I get home as soon as I get in the door. Damns like cheese. I guess the trumpets, sir, he's right here, she's comfy. Hey man, yeo yo, y're far unber. But I know Asian man fartner under the sheets for decades. But like you fartn under the sheets. Now that's when next level relationship ship and I'm here, I'm a I'm all the way in. This is what I'm saying. Congratulations because that's important, Yes, very important. This, This is this is really friends relief. The next thing when you can you're considerate and you lift up the sheet because you know what's coming you. No, no, you know that's that's tortured. That's not loving, that's not love. What that sounds like? I have I have named Pam because she's a very high voice. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen or heard in my life. And she says things like that's not love, that's hate, an agent, that's not live, silence for a seen And all these years friend shop to actually do sleep in a spoon. I know most couples don't because they're be getting hot, but we are actually sleeping this phone. And I'm telling you if when if he lets one go in the middle of the night, I'm talking the sheet because I don't want that thing to seep out, and I smell it interesting. I don't know how you know, And it doesn't really matter if you're vegan or if you know, if you're a carnivore and you're out here eating all the meat. Um, either way, you know a vegan part. I have my lord been subject to a vegan part and been like in its potent that a reckon no garlic business, alternative protein funds. Yeah, I love y'all. What are y'all crazy? But I didn't mean to start off the show with arts, you know, or belches, But that's what happens. You know. There's a kid's book called Everybody Poops. They should have one called Everybody Farts. Yeah, because it happens in class. It's the most you'll remember when you farted in class and everybody heard it. No, babe, that didn't happen. Actually no, no, I thought you've always been free with yours. You mean by accident and don't. I'm all right. So yeah, what we're talking about I was talking about. I thought I was relating. Sorry, it's some time for a masterfoom, a master whole. Jill turned Come on, Oh my gosh, I don't even know where to start. How do I go? Where do I go from here? We gotta sing a song. We can go with our assignment. We had an assignment. We yes. Listen, if you've ever had a moment where you let it go okay, where you've been in class, or you've been at work, or you've you know, been around some some hoity toity people family, and one slid out so many times? Okay, sorry, I can't be alone with help. She's gonna come with me. She's gonna come with me. Even though you might have had that moment where where the john just slid out and permeated the space, it did not take away your lid d or you're worth as a human being at all. It just happens. Is it just happens. I'm gonna go with us? Is life okay? Far dogs farts, okay, fish fart. I don't know, I just fit fart. This is like we end up having these moments in life. Stuff happens, Life happens, and we lose ourselves because something occurred. Um, it could be a major, big deal. I mean, can you imagine? Can you imagine passing gas? You go to the Oprah show and you're sitting there talking to Oprah and you let one loose and she smelled it. I've never had no I'm just saying, but you know, Oprah farts too. I think we should probably look this up. Then if you don't pass gash, you'll probably die, right yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna come bust because it's a bunch of gas inside. Well, if you don't make mistakes, and if you don't falter um sometimes even on your best intentions, sometimes um you don't grow period. You gotta make mistakes. You gotta let yourself be um human because you really don't have an option. The idea of this crazy perfection. Trying to be perfect all the time is exhausting, and it's exhausting and it's unfair to your humanity. I know, we talked about humanity all the time, but I mean, this is what it is where we're not amphibi, and you know, we we can't swim underwater forever, you know, coming up, we can't. We got to come out. We gotta come up for air, and sometimes we gotta lets mair out. This is not a podcast for you to be like, Okay, fart everywhere you go, but you know, sometimes you might had to take a couple of steps away and let that gas out. You know. I don't want to bring up an outdated reference, but you know, as I've gotten older, I've more identified with that whole concept of waiting to exhale. And I feel like at the time that that movie came out, I was so young, I didn't understand, like I didn't really understand the reference. But it's like that feeling of when you you really do. It's like you're out, you're out, you're having a good outfit, you know, and then suddenly you get home and you realize that I've been holding my breath the whole time I was out or just eating. Even in life in different ways that you're interacting with other people, it's like you're you're consistently tense, you're pulled in, your hyper aware, you're always trying to be present in a particular kind of way, and if you're not, then suddenly it's like you you, you somehow committed this horrible offense by just being a dog on human being. I will say this, as a young woman, there were times when I don't think I ever really experienced being in front of people with my stomach poked out at its at its at the height of its comfort. I realized, like, dad, like that is how my stomach is supposed to look. But everywhere I went, I was always like holding that joker in, always hold my stomach and always holding my stomach in. And it's just like, you know, I thank God for my forties because now it's like, no matter how much I'll just joking, and it's like you're still you know, it's still a pudge there. And I here, I appreciate a forty three year old body, this particular one. Anyway, lots of forty three old women out there with flast stomach, But what I'm saying is that this particular one I appreciate with for that particular lesson. It's like, baby, that body is that body that person is that person, and you got to stop thinking that there is something that you can do to hide who you are from everybody else. You have to just be comfortable and allow that time you can do what that time he does. They had a personality to do what that personality does, and that spirit to do what that spirit does. And it's like you just cannot present or or invest in presenting something that is not fully you. It's exhausting. It's exhausting, and it really it's not really doing it, Babe, You're not really you're not really doing it. You're not You're just you're not. You're not. So I think I think for me that that second album of mine, um beautifully human. That's what I was trying to, like, listen, I don't know, I don't know you guys are thinking, but um, you know, I got to ship with me and I'm trying to figure it out. And uh, you know, I've got my moments like everybody else, Like everybody else, these are the parts that are the most interesting to me. You guys know, I love idiosyncrasies about people, you know, I love I love the cleft chin and the double chin and the dag on dimples and the uh freckles and the moles and all of that stuff. That's that's like the best parts of of you know, being a voyeur, you know, being a people watcher. Like I love that all those those quote unquote, you know flaws. We'll be back after the break. I think it's fascinating, right, Like, we all go through these stages in life where we're like, we don't know how dope we are, and then hopefully by the time we get to thirties maybe forties, we're figuring out some things about ourselves. This is what it's. I don't know if it's supposed to because what is supposed to, but this just feels like the natural flow of things, you know, and then you know, but also understanding that everybody doesn't come into that natural flow of stuff too well, there's so much and it's so much in their way from doing that. I had a conversation with my cousin last night and I said, it's amazing how something that I've come to understand or notice about people is that we believe that most of what we hold dear, like most of the values that we have, most of the things that we believe are things that we developed on our own. That's something through life experience and whatever we went through that those are things that we came up with on our own. And what I'm coming to understand a little bit more or is that much more of what we believe in value is actually we're indoctrinated to believe it. Most of it is not actually us. Very little of what we believe and what we value is really developed based on what we actually know about ourselves. And I feel like the evidence is clear even in the conversation about aging, because get into this age, this big age and still discovering and really discovering who you are. Lets you know how you've lived a good chunk of your life without this knowledge. So where did all of your beliefs come from? Where did all the things you thought were important come from? That's why this is such a significant time if you think about it, right because as you say that, and as we say that, and we're in this this part of the aging process and realizing these things about ourselves. The things that accompanied our evolution in the first forty years are different than was accompanying the next young woman who was born forty years later in her evolution. Right, Like, even when you're talking about like images and what we were told about ourselves. I feel like there's an awakening right now in a way for black women, you know. And even if we're just talking about black women, even I mean, I'm always I'm like Asian, I'm always thinking about black women first. I mean, this is our baseline on the show exactly. So I'm comeing out here for that baseline. Sorry, And for some reason, I feel like, for some reason right now, it's it's kind of it's a little cooler to be black women, maybe a little little, you know, and maybe it would have been, uh when we were growing up as young girls. I don't know, but I'm just saying all of these things and so images aligned with that, advertising aligns with that, and all these things lead you to that. And that's not the one thing, but I think that is one factor that the leads to all of our worthiness. Yeah, like I see her. I mean, we got a black Supreme Court justice like things just seeing I mean the girls, the girlies, the young girls, the young young black girlies, like I mean, like in the early twenties. Yeah, and I want to insert right here, can we please just stop like gang calling everybody a millennial? Well, I just we don't have to go off on that. But I'm just when they stopped that millennials are like, are like forty years old there, Okay, let's cut it. So but what I'm saying is, um, yeah, for the young girl, he's like, I do think that they definitely have an advantage in terms of what or how they what they see as worthy to be, you know, present in any space. Because even down to like the Crown Act, where it's like when you go into a work environment, like who's worthy of respect, who's worthy of this? They don't have to as much I suppose as we did because some things were just a baseline. It's like you straighten that hair, right, news anchors are not. Ye, that is something that there's a special occasion, right, it's a special occasion that parents getting rusty. Okay. So it's like the if you if you have a certain kind of job. Yeah. So these are things that we don't really deal with. But there's a very kind of deep underbelly of of of of worthiness issues around worthiness that I think really impacts young black women, and it still does. It's still there. Yeah. Look, I just had a moment I was borrowing jewelry from a jewelry store. Now, UM, first let me let you know. When you're going to to something that you borrow jewelry from from a jewelry store, typically what happens is they will send somebody with you and as soon as they say cut, thank you very much, the security guard is coming to take that from you immediate. Okay, while you're still there, while you still got to dress on, while it's over, give me my stuff, all the all the bells and whistles that you have on right now that you're sporting, They're coming to get that from you right now. Okay. So, UM, I didn't want to do that. I found another way to go around it, and UM contacted the story store that I that I rocked. I rocked up with am. I going there typically to my gifts for people and sometimes a little something for myself and y'all know me. I like to put things on lay away. UM, so they had to have that kind of we had that kind of relationship. So anything. Yeah, so that's what they call it. Yeah, okay, all right after pay So I, UM, I go up in there and every day that I had been, I had been, Um, every day that I've gone up in there. I had never really been dressed up or anything to be in there, but this day I was a little I felt different. I had my hair braided, I wore my my bangs down. Um, I had been natural every day that I've gone in there, whether I had had my hair out and I've been doing a mohawk or maybe about a week or so. So every time they tell me I had like mohawk. And the the woman that worked in the store when I walked and she says, oh, oh, hi, I didn't even recognize you now right now, friends, I have uh some bullocks and there's Kyle Richell's in my hair current And she was like, I didn't recognize you. And I was like, oh, you know, every day every time I come in there late I won't say every day, but every time I come in there, she's pretty friendly, and they're all friendly, you know, it's that kind of environment. She's like, well, oh yeah, I, um, I like I like the other hair's talking to I'll related I like the other hair much better. And what are you wearing? Like normally you're like no, it was not. She was like, normally you're you're like, you know, fierce and today. I don't. I don't think I like this demure look you is your face stuck? Is anybody else? Are you listening to this with your my mouth was? I'm so how are you so bad? You laughing at like my eyes are watering? Yeah, that's a situation where I probably wouldn't even be able to pull up the highest level of shade that I could come up with because I was still being shocked. I wasn't shocked, And and my son Jet and Je sitting Jet was across the room, so he didn't hear the foolishness. I typically I have a African American man that I worked with, but he wasn't there, and I had already made the arrangements to pick up the jewelry for the thing that I was going to my whole My whole ship changed never no longer do I want anything from your establishment? Now? Now I gotta pull it together so I don't black out match, I understand talk about a blackout? Why talk about a black out lately? Damn? This is christ How she why she her comfort level was amazing? I have no idea why all that I have to say a certain type of white women will get comfortable real quick, like snuggle lights into the comfort zone. I'm gonna pull the blankets out, bitch and take them. Now do you think you know me? When did you? When? Did you know me? When did you know me? You don't know me? Girl? Really? How about even if you did know me? First of all, I'm a client, right, I'm a I'm a customer, uh huh, whether I'm purchasing or borrowing, nonetheless, I'm a customer. Did you really just fix your mouth to talk about my my hair, my clothes, my whole zin moment that I was having literally wear a black, white, navy blue, army green, pale yellow and rose. Okay those are your colors, ma'am? So yeah, baby, you don't even own anything high pink. Had I not, I got myself together and I left, I didn't take anything at all, um, and I was all my way. The next day, I was leaving for an award show with this hair, with this vibe, you know, And had I not had myself together, that woman probably would have shook my ship, you know what I mean? Like, you're you're you're prepared to go somewhere. You've got a new hairstyle, you know, you you're you're chilling in your moment, and to have someone to try to you know, I don't know what she was trying to do. I'm not sure, but clearly you you will never see this company, will never see a dime of my money, and you don't have to worry about me borrowing ship from you because there's other places that I could go. And I just was like, Wow, had I not been myself or comfortable in myself, she could have rocked my world with with with all of that, I think sometimes what I've what I've realized is that people will have like a singular experience and a few of them, but really a singular experience will stand out and the really are to define who they believe themselves to be or how others, how others perceive them, or what they're worthy of, you know what I mean. And I've heard this a bunch of times. Like you ever have a conversation with somebody over over a period of time and they tell the same story a couple of times and you're like, so that def really no, no, no, but not I I do it too. But then like and you'd be like, oh, that experienced, that experience has shaped you and and you know, and you're and it gives you some insight as to how they really see themselves. They see themselves to the lens of that experience, but you know, on a personal level. Yeah, But then there's also this like much larger, bigger, ominous thing that happens around worthies, particularly with women, because you know, who, how how are we? And we've talked about this on this show as we talked about multiple issues like getting married, like having children, all the different things aside, he says makes you worthy as a person, as a person to show up as a human being, to be respected as a human being, and and we carry these things around with us so much. And and to me, I see it because I've got these four little girls, and I've watched this happened in real time, Like, Okay, I love you, You're getting loved. You gotta father, You've got a father, because I get so tired of that trope like, oh, if you ain't got no dad, you just don't feel good about yourself. My kids, my girls have a father who loves them deeply. But here's the thing. They have struggled with self esteem and things, just like every other woman. Because they're living in the world as black girls in the world. There in the world, it's like this. It's of course it's high school middle show. One of my daughters, who I'm not even gonna put a business out there, has a story, a story that that is recurring, that happened to her when she was seven seven and it's a specific story about being feminine and how someone perceived her femininity. This was a not a family member, this was not a teacher, this was not a pastor. This was a person in a restaurant. M Okay. So I'm just trying to tell y'all, like the way that we view like even something like film, what is feminine? A lot of times we hear this thing all feminine energy, the divine feminine. I think that's beautiful. I'm into it. But I'm saying we have to be really clear on making sure that our definition of something like that, right, So this this conversation isn't just about that, but using that as an example, we have to really be careful how we actually define what that is because what happens is that we all have a little gumbo of things that we believe it to be, mixed in with what it really is, and mixed in with what we're indoctrinated to believe it is. That's a hard thing, the fine, especially in anyway that's it sounds simple, But I'm like defining femininity in two. My mother in the eighties were her hair short and had men tell her that she looked masculine. Right, that's just because of the length of her hair. Remember that's what I'm saying. Remember bull dagger, Remember that. Remember that because my mother had a short hairstyle too, and she was six one. Okay, my mother was whipping fashion, but she was unlike she was unlike any other mother that I knew in North Philly. You know, she put her pieces together and you know, going to the great thrift stores and was wearing this stuff off the rack and she was super thin and she was super long, and she knew it to go. So she would rock stuff. And my mother would blow my mind with her fashion when I was a child, like, Wow, she was amazing. But even though there's always going to be somebody who has something to say there for you have to you must, you must, And I'm I'm I have to do it every year, every year to define myself for myself because people are gonna come at me, at agea at layah at you listener, male female, whatever you decide you are today, baby, somebody's gonna come for you and play something in your psyche that you have to um. You gotta wash that that thing clean, gotta get that out your hair, get it out of your mind because you can't let it stay. Who are they? Well, they're not wearing that. Who are they? They don't like that? Who are they? I don't know who they are? You don't know who they are? So how is it that you let them decide for you who you are? How free you want to be, how how feminine you want to be, how how sexy you want to be, how whatever? If you're comfortable with yourself and you're succeeding and in any way that that means to you, what's what succeeding is you feel like you're winning? Mhm, listen, m did you get the whole sound that's from blue? That's my grandmother. We're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back. This show, in this life. It isn't like that's about to say. It's a constant piece of work and deep programming, programming. It's the show work because the because the growth process is just onging. But you know, like I said, you know, I want to circle back to my girls, to my babies. And I've seen this thing. I think I sent it to you guys, but I've seen this thing, and I'm gonna try to be to not like actually hone in on what it actually is. But I've been seeing a lot of of of energy around what makes people like wife material or what makes people i mean girls, you know, um this thing around young women where we put a lot of energy on trying to make and mold them into something that we that's you know, that's using a lot of hell of respectability and it's just like it's a lot of pressure. Well, I saw this ad for and it was circulating on Twitter, um some conference for young women that said something along the lines of like some then about keep your legs goes or something like that. Oh yeah you said that to us, I think, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, And I want to talk about that. I want to talk about the whole you're not worthy of partnership and marriage and love if for some reason someone has a perception of what you did with your vagina and you mean my vagina, you mean the one, the one you wash, the one you you know so that it's interesting. And you mentioned earlier that times had changed, and I thought to myself, yes, and some of them, some of them, Yeah, it ain't nothing but but but but but but but From the moment that a little girl is old enough to understand, I feel like we are constantly telling her, no matter what you do, baby, don't be no hope. It's like your little girl could be a whole liar. Ye, she could be lazy, she could be mean. Ah, but don't the obsession with girls and they're freaking badge. It's really starting to I mean, make Mike, but it. I'm getting so irritated by it. And I know, and let me start by saying this. I have been guilty. I was programmed like everybody else. But I remember we had a conversation before about how we present the vagina two little girls. We're constantly telling them it's the most valuable thing on their body. You don't let nobody everything about it as a flower or a diamond or it's so and it's it's like all of this language like it's the most important thing in the whole wide world and the only you cannot allow anyone to partake of it because it's that precious, right, And I understand, understand, I understand why we do this. Sometimes it's protection. Sometimes it's to say, okay, we don't we don't want nobody to molest your touch you, So we want to make sure that you understand, like, that's not a place that people get to partake in, right. So I get that, and I also get the idea of making people understand the energy that happens with something like sex. So I get. I get all of the stuff. But I'm starting to feel a little bit disturbed on the inside about the way we present this because if in fact, that doesn't happen for that young lady, and let's be real about how many young ladies this is not the case for for a multitude of reasons, and how they will carry that sense of worthlessness throughout their entire lives to the detriment of everything from relationships to work, to creativity, to mental wellness to physical wellness. I mean, everything you can think of will get affected by this one thing that we are so hyper focused on. You don't tell a go to preserve her brain. You don't tell a girl to preserve her health. You don't tell her go to preserve anything. All you're asking her to be is not is to be a freaking virgin. And then once she gets of a certain age, she has to go from being a completely untouched to being an expert in her body, this body that you told her should never be touched. Mh. But religious route, that's that's, that's, that's that's Once you put in religion with it, it's a whole different thing than once you realize men are all behind it and they still stay and trying to control our bodies. I still normalize one thing right right this moment, because I have a son, and I have a nephew, and I have I have nephews as a matter of fact, and I have young young boys that are in my life that i'm auntie too, that I love, and I want to normalize this one phrase. I care about my penis en fair enough, um, and I want you to. I want to also say to the young women I care about my vagina. I'm not trying to normalize or or or uh compartmentalize how you use your vagina. I really don't think that that's fair at all, because you're a human being and you you're going to live your life. I want you to. I want you to live free and full and what I want you to live smart. I want you to live intelligently. You know, we always talk about, you know, paying attention to to who you're dealing with on every possible level, if you can. How's their psyche, how's their spirituality, how's their physicality? Are they dirty people? Are they clean people? All of the things. But you have to I'm gonna go with this. I care about my penis just as much as young girls are supposed to or women in general are supposed to be so tight lipped. If you will, um, I've done. If they're supposed to be so tight lipped, if you will, um, the same kinds of of venereal diseases that young women get quote unquote loose young women. So do men, So do boys, young men, they get it too, Okay, if we're gonna if we're going to fairy conversation is different from conversation around worthiness, though I just wanted to throw in health ship is absolutely appropriate, Like you're like, I care about my knee caps to you know what I'm saying, which is why when I'm out skating, I put on, I put on my pads a little behind in that. Then we are though, that's interesting, but I'm sorry, didn't mean going. And they're supposed to be out here using their penis wildly. You know. They get celebrated for being promiscuous, if you will, that's a fair enough word. But if a woman, you know, decides to do whatever she wants to do with her body, you know, they get that the whole thing thrown on them and there we go with the worthiness. Yeah, but men, men get it too in the sense of that, like and having had a teenage son, it's like that whole thing where it's like I gotta appear as if I have had a lot of sex blah blah bla blah blah, or else I'm not masculine, or else I'm not a man, or I'm not X Y and Z. And it's like a lot of these things we carry into many different aspects of our lives. It seems like something that's that's very much about when we're young, but it's not. It carries over. It carries over in so many ways. Yeah, but this is boys. And we talked about this with men, like when they when they can't provide financially, What that does, what that does to their psyche when they can't. They're supposed to be the caregivers that and we just let that just kind of casually come out like, yeah, he supposed to be Take that now. That is interesting in that way because men forever, forever, and that has not changed at all or budget And I don't even That's why I said I think men are a little behind in these conversation because that's y'all were talking. I was like, I was thinking, on the kind of a bright side, I was like, you know, we are having these conversations, though, I think that there are conversations being had, especially amongst women. We've done a topic or two about the how women's conversations about their bodies and their worthiness has been more parent than ever before. Even I thought about Chanelle from NBC, who did the special on MSNBC about fertility and your worthiness and and and I was thinking as y'all were talking, and I was like, Yeo, I really think in a sense of black male and black women that we are a little ahead in these conversations. Black men, Uh, there's I'm I'm just gonna again give you this card, young men. If you're in a position where you you've got uh, your your friends, and they're trying to minimize you based on the fact that that you haven't had sex, or you haven't had a lot of sex, or whatever the case may be. You're you're and and for young women to your get out free card, is I care about my penis? That puts everything in perspective for you and for whomever is talking to you. Uh man, you corny, I care about my penis. I don't know, I don't even know. I just feel like that just releases a lot of things, Like the person who's bragging about having all of this sex kind of feels like a little like, let me not bragging about it. They're just having it. So I don't know if I wouldn't necessarily because really a dog was yeah, yeah, I mean I'm some yeah they do, but I'm sure it may Dog was a little bit to the two things, like I care about myself, but you don't. If you have a lot of sex, then that means you don't care about It's it could it could it could be perceived in that way, you know what. I'm so shall it be? Because but y'all talking about two different genders in a way to Jill, because I feel like in the back of your mind you're thinking about boys. Now I feel like Asian the back of her mind is thinking about girls. That's promised with So it's kind of like, yes, different messages, different situations. Fair enough, there's the overall issue, right, the overall overall issue. The overall problem and issue is that both sexes, both people, both groups and everything in between are getting a lot of really yankee messaging around what it means and to identify themselves, who they are, what they believe in, what their values are around those things. That is the the overall kind of problem is that how are we defining what at you worthy of love? What makes you worthy of success? What makes you worthy of just being present in the room, what makes you worthy of humanity? All of these things are questions that I'm hoping that we begin to kind of ask ourselves and separate the things that we've just been kind of told are those things, because and here's a here's a rule of thumb, asking yourself, why do I think that? From I believe this? Someone say, oh I believe X, Y and Z and you, Well, why do I think that? Where did that actually come from. And let me just speak to the situation you're talking about with with men. I do see a little bit of an increase with black men, in particular black HEADO men talking about beginning to talk about these these kind of uh weird standards of being worthy, and they've been talking about it. One of the things I'm hoping will will stop happening is I feel, and this has happened on both sides of things, I feel they're starting to get instead of blaming white supremacy for it, it starts to feel like they're shifting some of this blame on on black women. And oh, I think I'm supposed to be the provider because y'all, all y'all want is a man with money, or all y'all want is a man who's this, that and the other, or a man who's who has who's good and bad, or a man that such as who should not be named and that what he used to say all the time, that's not with us any longer than I listen. I don't know. I'm not gonna get into that one. I'll say I've noticed this conversation increasing amongst a certain group of black men, and I want to kind of make sure that what we're doing is always identifying the real enemy and that the enemy really, ultimately is never gonna be each other. The enemy, at the end of the day is white supremacist ideas, white supremacist values, ideas, and delusions. Okay, all of those things are setting the precedent for the things that we are continuing and boot to believe and pass along to our children. There's no way that your actual self worth should come from any of this, however of it does, and to dismantle them is the kind of work that I'm interested in. I'm interested in that because there's no one and you mentioned katanji, there's no amount of representation, laws or anything that's ever gonna change that without that inner work, without that ability to say, why do I think that even down to a person even having a katanji at the fact that black even black girl magic is looked at as this thing that's specifically for black women who are successful educated. Boom boom boom, boom boom. They gotta look like Michelle Obama, they gotta look like Oprah. They got these things in different way. When the girl graduates from hair school, we ain't hype like it is when she gets to Yale. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, No, it's a matter. But the woman who graduates from Yale, guess what. She can't get a hair done on Yale's campus. Guess where she gotta go? M hm m hmm. School. It ain't it? And I love it. I love it for us. I hope that your ears are buzzing. I really hope that you're listening to this podcast and and um considering that. Damn who this worthiness business? Where? Where? Did? Where does it all come from? Like A just said, who whose ideas are these? And what do you want for yourself? I don't take this thing lightly. What do you want? How do you feel? What? What gives you joy? What makes gives you peace of mind? What satisfies you? What? What? What? What excels you? It is not about this life is not about what people are saying. And I know it's hard, Oh my god, it's so hard. It's hard for me. I think it's hard for everybody to just pay attention to who you are and what you want and how you feel. Shout out to all the quirky people who are quirky despite whatever community, neighborhood, and I use that word is as as beautifully as I possibly can. Its quirky different, not that the ones that don't necessarily fit in. You know, you're you're on the right path. You're weirdo wonderful, weirdo. Oh my god. I tell people that all the time, like normal people, average, average, average, like everybody else. Just allowing yourself to be all of yourself. It's so fucking fire. Uh. And and know that it is worth. I mean, it is work worthy. Worth is inner work. Come on, Yeah, you will be given to you by the neighbor you know that you live next to, or the person you work with, or or even the person that's in your bed. H. It's up to you. It's it's up to you people to work. Child, That's what it is. I just wanna tell y'all, I just got I'm saying as a listener. I'm I'm a co host, but I'll be listening and applying this ship to my life. And I just want to tell y'all, y'all keep us working. I mean, we keep us working around here. And I appreciate it's good. It's good. It's good. Go ahead of asia more real talk after the break. But I want to ask you all this question because I want to purge, show the people how to purge. Right, let's live in our own advice a man's I want to ask you a question. The question is I would like to know something or a moment that was really significant for you where you did not feel worthy of something because of whatever, but that you walked into a moment and you literally did not feel worthy of it, Or that there's something that you desired that you were afraid to go forward because you didn't think you were worthy of it. Just any moment where you did that and you overcame that feeling. I would just love us to share and share that a bit with our listeners because I think sometimes we can talk in overarching kind of themes and people just don't see the humanity in that, or everybody experiences this for a myriad of different reasons. M H. Would y'all like me to go first? Yeah? Right, because there's so many rights like this is this is a thing. This is a heavy thing that we carry. It's heavy. Okay, so well, you know I talked about this on the show. But I just want to be really like, I want to I want to give this my My journey in in education has been like a really deep thing for me, and I definitely dealt with a lot of feelings of worthlessness. And I'm gonna say worthlessness because I want to name it for what it actually felt like. Okay, and no, I want everyone to understand, So don't hit me up on Instagram like I don't feel worthless Okay as a person? Okay, I don't. But feelings of worthlessness have happened to me in my life. And one of those things was when I got out of high school. I left high school and didn't graduate. I talked about this on the podcast I got my g D. But um, I always felt as if that that was something that made me less worthy than other people. I always I carried that sense of worthlessness with me for a very long time as I watched people that I knew go to college and get into different things that they were doing, and when people started talking about black women that they admire and get got awards and things of that nature. Nobody was given anyone an award for you know, raising kids and singing songs. You know what I'm saying, Well, singing songs, yes, But the point is that I always had this sense of that I just wasn't really belonging in the rooms where I was. I never felt that way. I didn't feel that way for a very very long time and faked it till I made it for real, for real. And but one of the really significant times was how somebody once told me that they were surprised how smart I was, and I was like, and it was supposed to be like a compliment, right, but they made mention of all the kids that I had had, and at that time I didn't even have six, only had four. I only had five. I was like, And so I was thinking to myself, like, wow, this person thought they were really really digging me up in that moment, and I just felt like, shit, you know what I'm saying. And and it was actually after I had done a lot of work on myself around this issue, but it plummeted me back and when it was time for me to do And in the last couple of years, I've gotten so much encouragement around UM doing UM doing things that really utilized that part of my personality me you know, my I guess my intelligence for that matter outside and music takes a high level of intelligence. So I want to make sure that I make that distinction, so that I've utilized my intelligence in the in the ways that people think people should utilize intelligence, will put it that way, and that I've gotten a lot of encouragement around that here recently in the last couple of years, and it has done wonders for me. But that moment has set with me, and that little quiet voice in my ear has been with me as I've gone on to do other things like yeah, that's cute, but they don't know, you're really not that smart, or you know, yeah that's cute or whatever, but there's so many more qualified people to do that, or so and so and so. And I have had that to fight that voice many many, many many times. Even now, Like I said after, I believe I've done a lot of self work. But I'm telling you, even today, even today, even in these in this time period of my life, I have had to remind myself who the funk I am? And that is hard mm hmmm on that mm hmmm, hm hmm. I think that my moments of feeling unworthy, it's such a double edged sword because I really like the majority of myself, like I funk with me. So when I get the pushback, or it's not even pushback, when I get um like what I'm what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy all every part of my myself. I like writing um and sharing stories about living and loving and uh, some of it is most of the most of it is bits and pieces of my life with the delicious pen. Yeah, I'm saying, so I'll paint the colors the way that I feel them. What makes me cringe is when I don't care for the the hyper sexual response. That doesn't That doesn't make me feel good. That doesn't. And I'm sure there's plenty of arguments here, but I think when I write things, I feel like my pen is just my My pen is the pen And yeah, it's the content too, but it's the painting of pictures that excites me. I feel like that's my job. My job is to tell stories. That's why I'm here for to me. But when it's taken apart and looked at as I'm some kind of I don't even know what to call it. I don't know got has got is make slave stuff in that nature, it just doesn't make me feel good because and then I feel myself go into a shell and I feel tight, intense, and then I walk in the room and I wonder what men are thinking. And then I watched their eyes and I just I feel like I'm in a in a fish tank, and I hate that. I hate that, And I'm sure the argument is, don't write like that, but I have to. I have to. I don't know what to tell you. There's there's more pictures to paint in this existence, and that's my that's my gig. So it doesn't make me feel as powerful as uh as people perceive it too. It kind of I feel diminished, but I also feel like I have to. So those are moments when I walk into a room and I think people are thinking, you know, damn, what that head do? What that couch you do? And the and the reality is, um, I don't know about the rest of the world, but this is the way I see it. For the lovers that I've had in this lifetime, I have never given I've never given different men um the same loving experience or sexual experience ever, ever, different every time. And I'm to say that I'm mad you even felt like you had to say that. I don't like that part. I'm really I'm actually glad that people are hearing this. Hen got thrown out the window and all of a sudden and I'm just this, you know, my angeloud right wrote you know sexual poems and other people write things, and all of a sudden, you know it doesn't I really work hard at this pen thing, you know that part. That part makes me feel less than worthy and I have to I have to work so hard to hold my head up because I know my intentions and I know you know the reality is that you can experience this pen but you won't. You won't experience me. You won't, you know. So mhm, I love you, Jill, thank you for sharing that for real, Like, I just want to put that out there. Yeah, we are. We are the vulnerable, ain't we? Like damn we usually putting it all out there? When have we felt unworthy? Okay, I that's an odd question for myself because I frequently don't feel worthy of a mentia thing. So I was trying to narrow it down in my head in the categories. Right, It's like love, like, you know, being in the forties and you know, I'm not gonna beat the dead horse about being in your forties and y'all know the love part, so uh, but I was also thinking just on a a life thing and a work thing. When it comes to feeling worthy, I don't know at this stage in my life, Like I uh, I don't know. I think about how when I was living in Philly and I was doing um like radio and Philly and stuff and doing all these morning show I was produced and all this stuff, I felt really worthy because I had worked really hard to to It's not easy to gain love of a city like Philly, and I love gaining it and working for and I felt in my element. And I will say, at this point in my life, it's very interesting because I'm doing a lot of different dope things, especially like perception wise, it's always more perception wise when it comes to my life. Um but as far as me feel like confident in what I do, that has lowered a lot due to ship. We were talking about people's comments, people saying things from people you work closely with, from not being seen to being seen in a very compartmentalized way. And so sometimes between all these these gigs and the extra because I overthink everything and overthinking of going through these experiences also prevents you from feeling worthy, that there's there's more to life, and like it's weird. It's hard to explain. It's like knowing that you're worthy to explore your own that you your own talents in life and not really have to lean on some other things. It's just, um, it's hard to I want to verbalize it, like like y'all did. And I was sitting here double duty and trying to listen make sure I'm listening to my girls in their pain as I'm trying to think what I'm gonna say to make this make sense without saying specific things. Yeah, I hear you so, but I'm like I've also been saying throughout this whole episode, is that I listen to this show as a listener and a and a and a host, and so I'm using my tools to fight those feelings that tell you you're not worthy because of this incident or this person, and stop letting that hinder you from going your next level. Because I hear y'all too, And so you don't also want to because the people who know and love you tell you what what what you're worth is and what you're worthy of, and so you also don't want to make them have to do to continue work of telling you how worthy you are because I said, oh, that's the overthinking that I do. I'm like, I don't want Jill and agent to continue that to say girl, you are this, and girl and you and you want your you want the people around you to let to know that you hear them, and you are trying to apply these things. So it's a combination. I'm sorry people if nothing that I said made sense, I hope that some of it made sense. But it's a combination of all these things. They can drive you the funk crazy and then you don't even know when you're worthy of a break to just stop thinking about it. So it's just a I think, I think what I think really at the end of the day, it's no no, no, no, no, no no no. I just I think you did a beautiful job. But I think I think, at the end of the day, allowing yourself the freedom to not be defined by these moments is I don't want to say the word work, but that is that. But it is kind of the work. The work is just kind of claiming your freedom from it and releasing yourself from it. And Jill said this, something similar about being in practice and certain things being in practice yearly. These are things that we probably should be in practicing daily, just reminding ourselves, like to free yourself from that. I just want to free myself from that, you know, you know, your own self guided meditation, you know. I just today, I just want to be free from whatever I felt defined me that is not me. I want to be free from whatever it is is in my mind. It's telling me that I'm not worth or worthy of all the greatness that I have inside, that I'm not that that who I choose to be is inherently wrong or subject to someone else's opinion or subject to some standard that I did not create. No, and that that's to me. That's the freedom I'm praying for for myself and for everybody who's listening to kind of release yourself from that, because even if at the end of it you don't even like what's there, at least you know what's there. At least that is an actual representation of what you think, regardless of anybody else, And then if you want to change it, you can. People are always gonna think something, Yeah, you don't know what, I wonder what, but they are and that's really not your business or your problem. But nonetheless, we're still people and we feel shaped right right. We know better, but we it's just and they're always easy to we know better. Yeah, I want MC of a year that I want, That's what I'm saying. I want. I want somebody to recognize that this pen is not a game sword. Whether it's being gentle and teasing, whether it's being vicious and angry, whether it's whatever it's being, it is a gift. And I recognize that, and I'm going to continue to fight for all of it, all of me. And either you love it or you don't, but I'm here. Yeah. I found a poem by this lady. Her name is Morgan Harper Nichols. I don't know her, but I like what she had to say. And she said, guard your heart from those that only love you in the shallow end, when you're all made up and not with your friends. You were made for more than satisfying the eyes and momentary affections of those passing by. Your maker has set a glorious depth in you, filled with purpose, intention, grace, and truth. And to love you, they must love him far beyond the shallow thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ill the podcast. Always it would always a pleasure. How do you eat an elephant? One? By? It time? Hey listeners, it's Amber, the producer of J dot L. Today, the ladies talked about really knowing who you are and grounding yourself in that it can be hard to know where to start to look for the tools to help you with really grounding and gaining confidence in who you are to help you get started. I wanted to share a meditation from Debbie Brown. She is a master well Being educator. She is a Master well Being Educator, a certified multimodality healer, and entrepreneur. She shared this quick meditation on the Therapy for Black Girl's podcast, which I also highly recommend. I'll share that episode as well as a link for this specific meditation and the show notes. Hi. If you have comments on something you said in this episode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four three nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast JA dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.