July 27, 2022
End of the Road Part 2
In this episode Jill, Aja, and Laiya continue the conversation on ending toxic relationships. If you find yourself wading through these waters I want to recommend processing with a licensed therapist. Below is a link to a directory of Black, female, therapist.
https://www.blackfemaletherapists.com/directory/
Call 866-HEY-JILL and leave us a message with your comments on this episode!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot m a production of I Heart Radio. Welcome back to j dot Ilga Podcast. It is our pleasure to be here. We are open hearted and open minded, and we are open spirited. Today we're we're gonna keep talking about what do you do when family goes left? I mean, look, you got these memories. You know, you've got these memories of of Christmas Is and holidays together. You know, so and so dancing cousins, such and such, I made the potato salad. You know, you got these memories of weddings, and you've got these all of these times when you were together. You know, at the family reunion, you swam all night because I'm so and so, let you do it. You know, you've got these these memories of you know, funerals and um graduations and all of this stuff because your family, you know, and you're around each other and have been around each other, not necessarily by choice, but this is these your people, you know, this is this is your kin. Now what happens? What do you do when those relationships go left? I know, for me, I've heard people say, well, that's your that's your family, that's your blood. You know, you gotta make up. You know the last episode you mentioned you were going through that personally anyway where yeah, where my kid told me he don't never want to see somebody again. Like I'm good. Not like it wasn't some grand declaration. It was maybe, but it was like, I'm good on them. If I don't see him ever again, I'm straight. Wow, that's enough for me. That's that's enough. That's did they hurt? You know? What is it? That's that energy? Mom? I don't like that. Okay, fine, fine, And a child's intuition, baby, baby, how well, what do you say? Because these events still happen, you know, graduations are coming up, you know, weddings occur in the family, funerals happen in the family. You know, But my kid is not working with you to to put it plain and simple, in my estimation, I think you have to just assess each of these events based on what it is you intend to get from them. It's like, are you going to these events just to play kate people or you feel like you just have to go, or are you trying to see certain other family members, Because maybe it's more about making sure you spend time with those family members outside of those events. So did you get that time with them? And you're not obligated to spend time with someone you don't want to spend time with, who's triggering, who makes you feel bad, just to get time with other family members. Or maybe you go early, or maybe you say I'm going, I'm only staying an hour, or whatever the case may be. That it can look a number of different ways. This is just my opinion. You it could look at a certain a lot of different ways. The idea is to center your knee. What are what are you trying to get? Who? What are what are the priorities in this moment? Because I don't want to spend time in an environment where I feel deeply uncomfortable or harmed, and I don't want my children to spend time in an environment where they feel deeply uncomfortable and harmed. And I won't subject myself to it now. Mind you and I talked about this in any other episode. This is an agent who I've even moved into. This is not an agent who existed. I want to say, even as short as five years ago, I may have said, oh I'm just gonna bite the bomy, Well, I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna go come on, y'all, you know that kind of energy. But no, I don't. I don't feel the need to do those things anymore because I feel like maintaining and nurturing relationships and family is something that should be on going. It's not about a wedding or a funeral or a family real Thanksgiving. We're talking about if that's the only time we're talking about someone who is sverly pathologically self righteous. This is what I was gonna ask you, Like, it's this person also giving off this energy to other family members and we're not talking about it because you know we do that, especially in black. Yes, yes, it's all the things. It's it's it's severely self righteous, you know, it's it's compounded by I was just say Christianity or a certain kind of church um living and mentality, and damn Like, I mean, we could just stay away and that's fine, but I know that at some point I have to step into that arena. And you know, the question is where where is he? And the me that I am I'll be like him, funk with you, you know, like just to put it. But but but it's got to be another way. Well I'm wondering if anybody ever had the conversation with that relative. Yeah, but that's what what she's saying, is that the real conversation. I mean, well, the conversation that that requires more and you're not obligated to have that, by the way, but the conversation that says, well, this is why people don't talk about you. This is the this is the issue. And it's not just my kid who fails this way. You have to be held accountable for your behavior if you want to participate in this family. But that also requires the rest of the family to have enough you knowness, to step up and say, hey, this is what we're gonna do, and and to gather the family for that is, especially when everybody has their own way of thinking of things and they might benefit from the quieting of that conversation and all of these different things that's I say, just sent to your own This is this is also somebody who I could I could literally paint pink and they would say, I'm yellow. Yes, it's it's the delusion is unbelievable. I ain't got it. Yeah, I mean well, the answer is right, and I just remember the good times. I remember that there were some but at this stage in life, and it's just like, oh, what happened? And do you remember the good times because you were younger and you weren't able to make critical thought like you are now. Because I remember good times too, but I'm like, I was younger and I really didn't even recognize that and that and that now when I stepped back from but I'm like, oh, you was always a motherfucker. Come on with always m hmmm mm hmmm wow. Learning to to be honest about that, particularly when you're dealing with family, like you were always fucked up in some way, shape or form, or you always had an energy that you took me bowling, you took me to the movies, and I was I was in my joy like, yeah, because I'm a kid and I want to go somewhere and I want to do something. Yes, he was treating the ladies in the family, but seeing the way he was really talking to people, really really paying attention until I became one. Wow. But here's the thing. As a child and because people have a have kind of a way of not seeing you be anything other than whatever their core memory of you is. Then when you become an adult and you're able to hold adults in your family accountable. That can be, you know, very difficult because if you can get ostracized, you know, people can't scold you about it, or you was being disrespectful even though everybody involved you all see it. You know what are you saying nothing but it's me? But I'm I'm the issue because I said something about it, or whatever the case. Maybe you know, we'll be right back. What I hope for people's families is that these young people moving forward, that we get better at discussing what it's doing. They are better already, I really and I think we are getting better at that discussing. I mean, I'll put my own family out there and I'll say, like, during the beginning of the pandemic, when you know, it was all funny games. That first month or so, we're eating every day, I'm cooking all the time, We're playing games, we had, we had Glow in the Dark, karaoke. We was like we ain't got no way. And then about June it was like we ain't got no more forks left. And it's like, see that's what I'm talking about. See, you ain't never care about me at all. From the beginning where the four where the four I asked about a forky tomboy. I ain't never take you to the zook you talk about it. I ain't never. I ain't never cared nothing about Okay. And what I loved about that moment was that we would we we dug up some things, you know. And I think in my family, I've always had this feeling, Oh, I got a good relationship with my kids, you know. And but even and it helped me to understand even a situation where you have a good relationship, even when you've worked on some of your stuff, some of those ways that we subdue people's issues and their beliefs and how they feel and their humanity and their individuality, that these have become normalized, and that we do it even in families like ours, where I believe that we are all part of an evolved kind of state of being as it as it pertains to relationships, family, kids. The whole night, and honestly, that was an open eye opened it for me because it was like, Okay, Asia, yeah that's cute. You got a good relationship with your kids. But see this is that was the that was the one on one class you passed the one on one class boom and these are the grad classes. Baby, these are these are your this is your major. Let's get into it. Let's do these other things. Let's dig deep, Let's get into this resort. Let's talk to these kids, Let's do this. Let I wish that we could do this with our families, like uh, you know our biological families that just get together. And have we passed the opportunity is that? I mean, has that door closed? Though? It's my question, Like I don't think it has. I don't think it has. I think it has to be a choice. Like everybody get together like families. You know the essays that everybody writes for for the holiday. It's I admitted a holiday. It's called families. It's it's family is is what it is. And you know, at the in order to get a gift, you have to write a one page essay. And that's because you don't get something for nothing in this life period. So the essays are intended for people to reveal some things, but how they feel and how you know, what confuses them or makes them you know, scared or angry or whatever you know that is. And I had to just recently stop everybody from writing about gratitude. Like I feel like that's, oh yeah, okay, let's just assume that we're all grateful. Let's just assume it and and write about something that matters to you. Please, just just please, you know, like I'm trying to open doors. That's that you have to add that to the activities list of the reunions. I like the revision what you're doing, Jill, is you're realizing the activities list. I'm thinking, I'm like, maybe we need to because you do that in your home. But it's like, maybe we don't need a three legged race because you're an opportunity for people to the issue is that you see, you got to be ready. But see, yeah that's in theory, that's good, but you're gonna get a letter that because if I go pull out a letter and like and I'm not trying to be funny, but you gotta be ready. And that's But the thing is too, I'm like, you gotta It's like Jill just her family, but then there's like a whole other branches, and you know, we've got family in different states and whatnot that think differently that I don't even know certain things about the family and stuff like that. So it's like, those are the people that we really need to be building with. My immediate family were straight, we think the same, we go, we're on the same thing now, shout shout out St. Louis and in New York we need to we we probably need to you know, connect a little bit more on those levels. Those family reunions really were something I can't front, like, just ben't able to. I loved it. I did just be to see cousins and aunties and listened to the jokes and and watch people people. You know, that was nice and we could go further with the aman. I never had a family reunion on either side of it was fun. We stayed in motels and then um we was never did a nice had so much chlorine in the water, we come out green. But what level was your reunion level? Because here's the thing, Asia, I am envious of people who have official reunions with like hundreds of people T shirts and locations and T shirts and stuff trying to do that. A lot of them to stay here at the house and whatnot. So would you would would you do? We did have the T shirts, We had him at the park, we had everybody with meet at the park. You know, people would drive in or fly in or whatever. We just had him at the park. We go pee in the woods. You know. It was really I mean we had gathering basic Yeah, I mean we had we had gatherings. There were holidays and we used to do something. Um shout out to kids who grew up in the DC area who camped that lake and we used to always go down the lake Anna and we we can win camping. We did things as a family, you know, so we I have memories yeah, yeah, some of my extended family because even some of my mom's friends kids went on these trips too, and so these are some of my best friends to this day. And and then we stopped going and we started going to the outer Banks and we did We did that for many years. And so we've done a lot of things as a family and and and gathered together a lot, but we never had like a family reunion. I did have an uncle that eventually did some work. I'm just really thinking about that. I'm like, family, such a good opportunity to do productive type things. And even in a networking situation like do you I don't even know what most of my cousins do for a living, Like you know what I mean, Like we never get a chance to really like build on that. Yo, I'm gonna tell y'all not for not using. It's so unfortunate that these meetings a lot of times happened with deaths. And I remember um when my cousin's husband passed recently in the last few months and I went to St. Louis and I got to sit with some young cousins in your twenties and we were just talking. I was realizing that a lot of them are involved in like the stock game and the crypto and they were teaching me stuff. And I was like, look at my St. Louis cousins, like we need to build off, Like why don't we have a finance group where you guys can teach the older cousins about this kind of stuff. And it was like, well, we actually have a group, but it's all the young people. Hello, Like come on, y'all, but what happens when your family is raggedy with money? Everybody but every That's the thing though, y'all you think your whole family is, but there's there are some folks that's I was like, what they're doing St. Louis. Well, listen, let me tell you. I just had a conversation with a girlfriend today and she talked about the fact that, you know, we do have to have a little bit more investment groups and stuff like that. But I want to shout out my uncle Warren bless him, has been trying to get us to do that for over twenty years and we still haven't done it because I know, what about family members gonna listen to this and be like, uh huh, Uncle Warren. But you know, I think I think what you said is really key. The key thing is that when families are not doing productive things to connect and relate to one another at a deeper level. As a family, you're always going to have those things that nobody talks about, those things that people tuck. And the more that they tuck and tuck and tuck, it has it's it's gonna come out in a toxic way and eventually somebody in the family is gonna have a moment and they're gonna be singled out is the one who has the issue when the family itself has the issue and we all know it, you know, And so instead of continuing to pretend that that's the issue. And that's why I said some of it's a little far gone. It's like some stuff we may have to reserve for the next generation because the stress. Just acknowledging the acknowledgement of it is important. I went through a rabbit hole with my mother one day. We were just, you know, you servicely talk about family, and then I was like, but let's get under the service though, ma, Let's talk about how that person was raised and what their household really looked like, and where was there their their dad at this time and all this stuff. And I was like, when you really look, everything happened full reason. Everybody the way they are for a reason. That's all I'm saying. Maybe as a family we should just know. We said that the very least know the reasons. And I tell you what I think. And with my my grandmother was was a housekeeper for a Jewish family and they told her a lot about thread count. And I don't know if they necessarily meant to teach her, but she learned about the read count and queen and furniture and quality. What's quality furniture? Quality furnitures you can't feel the bones in it, that kind of thing. So my grandmother's daughters specifically like fine things. They're very much into like quality, fine things. Now where we lose, where we lose our way with me and then my mom and my aunts, is that it's it's so much of it. You know, at a certain point, you know you've shopped, you know, you filled your house with stuff. Now that's it, there's no more. You know, make sure you like the thing that you're getting, because that's it. You know, for a while, maybe in five years or so, you want to change the color, change the painter, because you know, because that's fun, and that's what you want to do. That's what's up. But at one point, at one point, I'll say, I got my mom's house. I come back. I said, hey, last time I was here, everything and was like yellow. Now it's now it's turquoise. No, no, it was always this way, it was always this sway. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Her and her sister that got together and they would shopping and they had the best time ever. I'm like, you, guys, where is the other stuff? I go in the garage. It's more stuff. It's it's so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin, like friends, we have to have a garage sale or something. We got to sell this stuff on the on the intwb, we have to do something. But they have this thing where a quantity um. Although they love quality, they just want to quantity of things. And I'm doing the best that I don't want. I don't want to I don't want that that particular disease, and I don't want to pass that STA very well could. But I mean their mother was fresh smack into the depression, you know. So people that don't have mean a lot of our parents, a lot of our parents have a you know a lot of their value systems are based on the lack having not had something or not experienced something, and so things that they have kind of wrapped into these are my values are really just kind of trauma responses. But you know, I guess we all, to a degree, some of us have that where ways that we decided to live our lives are deeply idea defined by the ways that we've been trying to do something. I'm gonna, you know, be like, I'm not speaking to my mother and my aunt no more. You know, I'm not gonna stop speaking to them about that. I just have to put them on a budget. You know that that I'm comfortable with because I know it's it's basically thrown away money. They're not going to do anything. But you haven't to the trauma, Jill, when you just gotta give into the trauma because it ain't really given to you when you know it's no change, and that's it when they happen, didn't when they're n and they gave so much to me, and I did have the dream house I did. Oh let him have because somebody's gonna do that to us. Y'all realize, y'all realized somebody's gonna do that to us. At one point. They're gonna be like, just let her do like fresh flowers. Let and at a certain age you've earned it. So it's like, at a certain age, if I'm not hurting you, if I'm not traumatizing you, if I'm not being harmed, and she getting that ship on sale, let me let me have four tell us. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I want. It's not that's on a home goods fucking you know what I'm saying, Like that enjoy it's not the worst thing that chill, But I have to also have to be mindful because I can't wait till I get to play cater age, playcate me, play Kate Me. Now, I want my kids to have conversations behind my back about how they're gonna let me do some wilder ship and get away with it. Don't you know? Mom gotta have a vacation every year where we sending them. Yeah, she does, and that's nice. Oh, now that's why give me a list six kids. Don't tell the twins that can't be combined. I mean, if everybody joins in the gather, she said, that's the normal. Yeah, by what you know, by August retirement, you know, we should start that now. We'll be back after the break. Yeah, I do think we went full Auntie, and we're not talking about how we talk, how we part ways with family. We didn't win. We go when we went a little bit further, but then we went off the edge. We did. Listen, we went off the edge. This is what we're gonna do. This is gonna happen most of the time. Sometimes we're gonna stick straight to the topic, but most times we're going to veer off the road a bit because yeah, this is what we do. And these these conversations. It may not be the whole thing. I like that y'all have. I didn't say I ain't saying the word. I just said that I earned things. Because it may not be the whole thing, but something that's going to spark, spark some thoughts in your mind and make you reconsider or consider or let's slide some ship that's happening in your life. I don't know, but I hope for that. I definitely hope the best for you. We all do. We want the best for you, for real, for real. I just wanted to acknowledge this this real quick because I think we're gonna get some comments now. I think we're gonna get some comments from people. Some people do have deeply toxic families, word that they need to for their own preservation separate themselves, and you know what I'm saying. So there, I want to acknowledge that because I feel like in our personal environments that we have learned to kind of manage our relationships, and we've talked about the kind of lighter side to it. I want to be really, really clear that there are some people who have to really make very strong and intentional boundaries with people who they are related to as some times with their own parents, siblings or children. That we've been blessed and I had those particular situations. But age is absolutely right. And I love when you bring it back, bring it back to the I love it when you bring it back to the bigger picture that some of you are having to walk away from family because they're unhealthy for you. This means that you may end up feeling a lot lonelier for a while. But I will always suggest to take some time, uh you're slow, molasses as time and create a family of your own. And I'm not saying make children or marry somebody. I'm just saying, part of our friendships, yeah, because you can pick those. You can pick those. You can't pick your friendships, but you ask molasses time because as um even those things, you know, friendships turn left, family relationships turn left. You have to be really careful. If you've been in a history of toxicity, you have to be careful. So be easy, be easy, but be definitive about walking away from what hurts you. What I'm saying, And maybe talk to your cousins too, because they probably got the same issues about fire you an alliance man did somebody write a song called Slowly Surely? Huh? Take it? Take it back to slowly surely if you want your song. Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ilda podcast. Listen. We are always open to hearing how you did it, because you know, we might be flailing our arms in the dark. But if you got a piece of light to share about how you got through something, particularly how you let someone in your family or in your in your friendship circle, you let them go? Can you tell us how you did that? Appreciate y'all peace. How do you eat an elephant? One by? It? Time? Hey, listeners, It's Amber here, the producer of JD I L and this episode The Ladies continued the conversation of letting go complicated toxic relationships. It's a really layered topic and a heavy thing to move through. If you find yourself waiting through these waters, I want to recommend processing with a licensed therapist. There are sites like better Help and talk space where you can reach someone virtually to help give you the specific tools you need to heal and get a little more free. Hi, if you have comments on something we said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill, if you want to add to this conversation. That's eight six six nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast Jay dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot m a production of I Heart Radio. Welcome back to j dot Ilga Podcast. It is our pleasure to be here. We are open hearted and open minded, and we are open spirited. Today we're we're gonna keep talking about what do you do when family goes left? I mean, look, you got these memories. You know, you've got these memories of of Christmas Is and holidays together. You know, so and so dancing cousins, such and such, I made the potato salad. You know, you got these memories of weddings, and you've got these all of these times when you were together. You know, at the family reunion, you swam all night because I'm so and so, let you do it. You know, you've got these these memories of you know, funerals and um graduations and all of this stuff because your family, you know, and you're around each other and have been around each other, not necessarily by choice, but this is these your people, you know, this is this is your kin. Now what happens? What do you do when those relationships go left? I know, for me, I've heard people say, well, that's your that's your family, that's your blood. You know, you gotta make up. You know the last episode you mentioned you were going through that personally anyway where yeah, where my kid told me he don't never want to see somebody again. Like I'm good. Not like it wasn't some grand declaration. It was maybe, but it was like, I'm good on them. If I don't see him ever again, I'm straight. Wow, that's enough for me. That's that's enough. That's did they hurt? You know? What is it? That's that energy? Mom? I don't like that. Okay, fine, fine, And a child's intuition, baby, baby, how well, what do you say? Because these events still happen, you know, graduations are coming up, you know, weddings occur in the family, funerals happen in the family. You know, But my kid is not working with you to to put it plain and simple, in my estimation, I think you have to just assess each of these events based on what it is you intend to get from them. It's like, are you going to these events just to play kate people or you feel like you just have to go, or are you trying to see certain other family members, Because maybe it's more about making sure you spend time with those family members outside of those events. So did you get that time with them? And you're not obligated to spend time with someone you don't want to spend time with, who's triggering, who makes you feel bad, just to get time with other family members. Or maybe you go early, or maybe you say I'm going, I'm only staying an hour, or whatever the case may be. That it can look a number of different ways. This is just my opinion. You it could look at a certain a lot of different ways. The idea is to center your knee. What are what are you trying to get? Who? What are what are the priorities in this moment? Because I don't want to spend time in an environment where I feel deeply uncomfortable or harmed, and I don't want my children to spend time in an environment where they feel deeply uncomfortable and harmed. And I won't subject myself to it now. Mind you and I talked about this in any other episode. This is an agent who I've even moved into. This is not an agent who existed. I want to say, even as short as five years ago, I may have said, oh I'm just gonna bite the bomy, Well, I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna go come on, y'all, you know that kind of energy. But no, I don't. I don't feel the need to do those things anymore because I feel like maintaining and nurturing relationships and family is something that should be on going. It's not about a wedding or a funeral or a family real Thanksgiving. We're talking about if that's the only time we're talking about someone who is sverly pathologically self righteous. This is what I was gonna ask you, Like, it's this person also giving off this energy to other family members and we're not talking about it because you know we do that, especially in black. Yes, yes, it's all the things. It's it's it's severely self righteous, you know, it's it's compounded by I was just say Christianity or a certain kind of church um living and mentality, and damn Like, I mean, we could just stay away and that's fine, but I know that at some point I have to step into that arena. And you know, the question is where where is he? And the me that I am I'll be like him, funk with you, you know, like just to put it. But but but it's got to be another way. Well I'm wondering if anybody ever had the conversation with that relative. Yeah, but that's what what she's saying, is that the real conversation. I mean, well, the conversation that that requires more and you're not obligated to have that, by the way, but the conversation that says, well, this is why people don't talk about you. This is the this is the issue. And it's not just my kid who fails this way. You have to be held accountable for your behavior if you want to participate in this family. But that also requires the rest of the family to have enough you knowness, to step up and say, hey, this is what we're gonna do, and and to gather the family for that is, especially when everybody has their own way of thinking of things and they might benefit from the quieting of that conversation and all of these different things that's I say, just sent to your own This is this is also somebody who I could I could literally paint pink and they would say, I'm yellow. Yes, it's it's the delusion is unbelievable. I ain't got it. Yeah, I mean well, the answer is right, and I just remember the good times. I remember that there were some but at this stage in life, and it's just like, oh, what happened? And do you remember the good times because you were younger and you weren't able to make critical thought like you are now. Because I remember good times too, but I'm like, I was younger and I really didn't even recognize that and that and that now when I stepped back from but I'm like, oh, you was always a motherfucker. Come on with always m hmmm mm hmmm wow. Learning to to be honest about that, particularly when you're dealing with family, like you were always fucked up in some way, shape or form, or you always had an energy that you took me bowling, you took me to the movies, and I was I was in my joy like, yeah, because I'm a kid and I want to go somewhere and I want to do something. Yes, he was treating the ladies in the family, but seeing the way he was really talking to people, really really paying attention until I became one. Wow. But here's the thing. As a child and because people have a have kind of a way of not seeing you be anything other than whatever their core memory of you is. Then when you become an adult and you're able to hold adults in your family accountable. That can be, you know, very difficult because if you can get ostracized, you know, people can't scold you about it, or you was being disrespectful even though everybody involved you all see it. You know what are you saying nothing but it's me? But I'm I'm the issue because I said something about it, or whatever the case. Maybe you know, we'll be right back. What I hope for people's families is that these young people moving forward, that we get better at discussing what it's doing. They are better already, I really and I think we are getting better at that discussing. I mean, I'll put my own family out there and I'll say, like, during the beginning of the pandemic, when you know, it was all funny games. That first month or so, we're eating every day, I'm cooking all the time, We're playing games, we had, we had Glow in the Dark, karaoke. We was like we ain't got no way. And then about June it was like we ain't got no more forks left. And it's like, see that's what I'm talking about. See, you ain't never care about me at all. From the beginning where the four where the four I asked about a forky tomboy. I ain't never take you to the zook you talk about it. I ain't never. I ain't never cared nothing about Okay. And what I loved about that moment was that we would we we dug up some things, you know. And I think in my family, I've always had this feeling, Oh, I got a good relationship with my kids, you know. And but even and it helped me to understand even a situation where you have a good relationship, even when you've worked on some of your stuff, some of those ways that we subdue people's issues and their beliefs and how they feel and their humanity and their individuality, that these have become normalized, and that we do it even in families like ours, where I believe that we are all part of an evolved kind of state of being as it as it pertains to relationships, family, kids. The whole night, and honestly, that was an open eye opened it for me because it was like, Okay, Asia, yeah that's cute. You got a good relationship with your kids. But see this is that was the that was the one on one class you passed the one on one class boom and these are the grad classes. Baby, these are these are your this is your major. Let's get into it. Let's do these other things. Let's dig deep, Let's get into this resort. Let's talk to these kids, Let's do this. Let I wish that we could do this with our families, like uh, you know our biological families that just get together. And have we passed the opportunity is that? I mean, has that door closed? Though? It's my question, Like I don't think it has. I don't think it has. I think it has to be a choice. Like everybody get together like families. You know the essays that everybody writes for for the holiday. It's I admitted a holiday. It's called families. It's it's family is is what it is. And you know, at the in order to get a gift, you have to write a one page essay. And that's because you don't get something for nothing in this life period. So the essays are intended for people to reveal some things, but how they feel and how you know, what confuses them or makes them you know, scared or angry or whatever you know that is. And I had to just recently stop everybody from writing about gratitude. Like I feel like that's, oh yeah, okay, let's just assume that we're all grateful. Let's just assume it and and write about something that matters to you. Please, just just please, you know, like I'm trying to open doors. That's that you have to add that to the activities list of the reunions. I like the revision what you're doing, Jill, is you're realizing the activities list. I'm thinking, I'm like, maybe we need to because you do that in your home. But it's like, maybe we don't need a three legged race because you're an opportunity for people to the issue is that you see, you got to be ready. But see, yeah that's in theory, that's good, but you're gonna get a letter that because if I go pull out a letter and like and I'm not trying to be funny, but you gotta be ready. And that's But the thing is too, I'm like, you gotta It's like Jill just her family, but then there's like a whole other branches, and you know, we've got family in different states and whatnot that think differently that I don't even know certain things about the family and stuff like that. So it's like, those are the people that we really need to be building with. My immediate family were straight, we think the same, we go, we're on the same thing now, shout shout out St. Louis and in New York we need to we we probably need to you know, connect a little bit more on those levels. Those family reunions really were something I can't front, like, just ben't able to. I loved it. I did just be to see cousins and aunties and listened to the jokes and and watch people people. You know, that was nice and we could go further with the aman. I never had a family reunion on either side of it was fun. We stayed in motels and then um we was never did a nice had so much chlorine in the water, we come out green. But what level was your reunion level? Because here's the thing, Asia, I am envious of people who have official reunions with like hundreds of people T shirts and locations and T shirts and stuff trying to do that. A lot of them to stay here at the house and whatnot. So would you would would you do? We did have the T shirts, We had him at the park, we had everybody with meet at the park. You know, people would drive in or fly in or whatever. We just had him at the park. We go pee in the woods. You know. It was really I mean we had gathering basic Yeah, I mean we had we had gatherings. There were holidays and we used to do something. Um shout out to kids who grew up in the DC area who camped that lake and we used to always go down the lake Anna and we we can win camping. We did things as a family, you know, so we I have memories yeah, yeah, some of my extended family because even some of my mom's friends kids went on these trips too, and so these are some of my best friends to this day. And and then we stopped going and we started going to the outer Banks and we did We did that for many years. And so we've done a lot of things as a family and and and gathered together a lot, but we never had like a family reunion. I did have an uncle that eventually did some work. I'm just really thinking about that. I'm like, family, such a good opportunity to do productive type things. And even in a networking situation like do you I don't even know what most of my cousins do for a living, Like you know what I mean, Like we never get a chance to really like build on that. Yo, I'm gonna tell y'all not for not using. It's so unfortunate that these meetings a lot of times happened with deaths. And I remember um when my cousin's husband passed recently in the last few months and I went to St. Louis and I got to sit with some young cousins in your twenties and we were just talking. I was realizing that a lot of them are involved in like the stock game and the crypto and they were teaching me stuff. And I was like, look at my St. Louis cousins, like we need to build off, Like why don't we have a finance group where you guys can teach the older cousins about this kind of stuff. And it was like, well, we actually have a group, but it's all the young people. Hello, Like come on, y'all, but what happens when your family is raggedy with money? Everybody but every That's the thing though, y'all you think your whole family is, but there's there are some folks that's I was like, what they're doing St. Louis. Well, listen, let me tell you. I just had a conversation with a girlfriend today and she talked about the fact that, you know, we do have to have a little bit more investment groups and stuff like that. But I want to shout out my uncle Warren bless him, has been trying to get us to do that for over twenty years and we still haven't done it because I know, what about family members gonna listen to this and be like, uh huh, Uncle Warren. But you know, I think I think what you said is really key. The key thing is that when families are not doing productive things to connect and relate to one another at a deeper level. As a family, you're always going to have those things that nobody talks about, those things that people tuck. And the more that they tuck and tuck and tuck, it has it's it's gonna come out in a toxic way and eventually somebody in the family is gonna have a moment and they're gonna be singled out is the one who has the issue when the family itself has the issue and we all know it, you know, And so instead of continuing to pretend that that's the issue. And that's why I said some of it's a little far gone. It's like some stuff we may have to reserve for the next generation because the stress. Just acknowledging the acknowledgement of it is important. I went through a rabbit hole with my mother one day. We were just, you know, you servicely talk about family, and then I was like, but let's get under the service though, ma, Let's talk about how that person was raised and what their household really looked like, and where was there their their dad at this time and all this stuff. And I was like, when you really look, everything happened full reason. Everybody the way they are for a reason. That's all I'm saying. Maybe as a family we should just know. We said that the very least know the reasons. And I tell you what I think. And with my my grandmother was was a housekeeper for a Jewish family and they told her a lot about thread count. And I don't know if they necessarily meant to teach her, but she learned about the read count and queen and furniture and quality. What's quality furniture? Quality furnitures you can't feel the bones in it, that kind of thing. So my grandmother's daughters specifically like fine things. They're very much into like quality, fine things. Now where we lose, where we lose our way with me and then my mom and my aunts, is that it's it's so much of it. You know, at a certain point, you know you've shopped, you know, you filled your house with stuff. Now that's it, there's no more. You know, make sure you like the thing that you're getting, because that's it. You know, for a while, maybe in five years or so, you want to change the color, change the painter, because you know, because that's fun, and that's what you want to do. That's what's up. But at one point, at one point, I'll say, I got my mom's house. I come back. I said, hey, last time I was here, everything and was like yellow. Now it's now it's turquoise. No, no, it was always this way, it was always this sway. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Her and her sister that got together and they would shopping and they had the best time ever. I'm like, you, guys, where is the other stuff? I go in the garage. It's more stuff. It's it's so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin, like friends, we have to have a garage sale or something. We got to sell this stuff on the on the intwb, we have to do something. But they have this thing where a quantity um. Although they love quality, they just want to quantity of things. And I'm doing the best that I don't want. I don't want to I don't want that that particular disease, and I don't want to pass that STA very well could. But I mean their mother was fresh smack into the depression, you know. So people that don't have mean a lot of our parents, a lot of our parents have a you know a lot of their value systems are based on the lack having not had something or not experienced something, and so things that they have kind of wrapped into these are my values are really just kind of trauma responses. But you know, I guess we all, to a degree, some of us have that where ways that we decided to live our lives are deeply idea defined by the ways that we've been trying to do something. I'm gonna, you know, be like, I'm not speaking to my mother and my aunt no more. You know, I'm not gonna stop speaking to them about that. I just have to put them on a budget. You know that that I'm comfortable with because I know it's it's basically thrown away money. They're not going to do anything. But you haven't to the trauma, Jill, when you just gotta give into the trauma because it ain't really given to you when you know it's no change, and that's it when they happen, didn't when they're n and they gave so much to me, and I did have the dream house I did. Oh let him have because somebody's gonna do that to us. Y'all realize, y'all realized somebody's gonna do that to us. At one point. They're gonna be like, just let her do like fresh flowers. Let and at a certain age you've earned it. So it's like, at a certain age, if I'm not hurting you, if I'm not traumatizing you, if I'm not being harmed, and she getting that ship on sale, let me let me have four tell us. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I want. It's not that's on a home goods fucking you know what I'm saying, Like that enjoy it's not the worst thing that chill, But I have to also have to be mindful because I can't wait till I get to play cater age, playcate me, play Kate Me. Now, I want my kids to have conversations behind my back about how they're gonna let me do some wilder ship and get away with it. Don't you know? Mom gotta have a vacation every year where we sending them. Yeah, she does, and that's nice. Oh, now that's why give me a list six kids. Don't tell the twins that can't be combined. I mean, if everybody joins in the gather, she said, that's the normal. Yeah, by what you know, by August retirement, you know, we should start that now. We'll be back after the break. Yeah, I do think we went full Auntie, and we're not talking about how we talk, how we part ways with family. We didn't win. We go when we went a little bit further, but then we went off the edge. We did. Listen, we went off the edge. This is what we're gonna do. This is gonna happen most of the time. Sometimes we're gonna stick straight to the topic, but most times we're going to veer off the road a bit because yeah, this is what we do. And these these conversations. It may not be the whole thing. I like that y'all have. I didn't say I ain't saying the word. I just said that I earned things. Because it may not be the whole thing, but something that's going to spark, spark some thoughts in your mind and make you reconsider or consider or let's slide some ship that's happening in your life. I don't know, but I hope for that. I definitely hope the best for you. We all do. We want the best for you, for real, for real. I just wanted to acknowledge this this real quick because I think we're gonna get some comments now. I think we're gonna get some comments from people. Some people do have deeply toxic families, word that they need to for their own preservation separate themselves, and you know what I'm saying. So there, I want to acknowledge that because I feel like in our personal environments that we have learned to kind of manage our relationships, and we've talked about the kind of lighter side to it. I want to be really, really clear that there are some people who have to really make very strong and intentional boundaries with people who they are related to as some times with their own parents, siblings or children. That we've been blessed and I had those particular situations. But age is absolutely right. And I love when you bring it back, bring it back to the I love it when you bring it back to the bigger picture that some of you are having to walk away from family because they're unhealthy for you. This means that you may end up feeling a lot lonelier for a while. But I will always suggest to take some time, uh you're slow, molasses as time and create a family of your own. And I'm not saying make children or marry somebody. I'm just saying, part of our friendships, yeah, because you can pick those. You can pick those. You can't pick your friendships, but you ask molasses time because as um even those things, you know, friendships turn left, family relationships turn left. You have to be really careful. If you've been in a history of toxicity, you have to be careful. So be easy, be easy, but be definitive about walking away from what hurts you. What I'm saying, And maybe talk to your cousins too, because they probably got the same issues about fire you an alliance man did somebody write a song called Slowly Surely? Huh? Take it? Take it back to slowly surely if you want your song. Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ilda podcast. Listen. We are always open to hearing how you did it, because you know, we might be flailing our arms in the dark. But if you got a piece of light to share about how you got through something, particularly how you let someone in your family or in your in your friendship circle, you let them go? Can you tell us how you did that? Appreciate y'all peace. How do you eat an elephant? One by? It? Time? Hey, listeners, It's Amber here, the producer of JD I L and this episode The Ladies continued the conversation of letting go complicated toxic relationships. It's a really layered topic and a heavy thing to move through. If you find yourself waiting through these waters, I want to recommend processing with a licensed therapist. There are sites like better Help and talk space where you can reach someone virtually to help give you the specific tools you need to heal and get a little more free. Hi, if you have comments on something we said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill, if you want to add to this conversation. That's eight six six nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast Jay dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
