July 20, 2022
End of the Road Part 1
In this episode Jill, Aja, and Laiya talk about letting go of toxic relationships, that sometimes includes family and friends. Check out this article for practical steps to end relationships https://www.thepragmaticparent.com/letting-go-of-toxic-people/ Call 866-HEY-JILL and leave us a message with your comments on this episode!
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00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im a production of I Heart Radio. What's up everybody, Hi, it's been a few days. Welcome back to Jay dot Ilga podcast. It's me Joe Scott and I'm here with my friends Lah st Clair. How many of us have them? Oh Ada graydon dance? Look what about your friends? Yeah, I don't know, she said, be Hona, Yeah, yeah, it's to this day it bugs me out how they sold so many records that had so many souls out tours and ended up, you know, not making money. Yeah, just talking about t l C. You know, three famous friends. Just just listen to that song, like, I know so many people sing that song like I know I did, I still do. Those those songs are classic. Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls like that's good ship, big biggest song probably in the history of music, is up there with the big biggest songs ever. So yeah, I mean it's always it's always kind of wild how that happens. But you know, we know this business, we know how it works, we know how the artists end up on that that bottom part of the totem pole. And they really just came out of the time period where you know, if you weren't the songwriter, the producer or the label. Yeah, can shame on you, shameful you. Yeah. Look, today we are actually gonna be talking about when friendships go left. You know, you think you've got something good with someone, like you've been completely vulnerable and honest and even laughed a lot. You know, we shared some real deep ship, like you know, and all of a sudden, the friendship just dissipates and you can feel it, you can see it, you can damn near smell it and taste it, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is. I know that's happened to me a couple of times in this life where I'm like, what happened? What's going on? And my mom would say things like, well, did you do anything? And I'm like, not that I know of, Like if I don't know, it's an entire because it has you like in a spiral. You're like in a spiral, like did I do something? What I do? What did I say? What? What happened? I have been there. I had a situation some many many years ago. This is like the first time that's ever happened to me, And to this day, like we just never really addressed it. And and it's funny because we're friends with a lot of the same people and we just have not addressed it has been twenty four years. It wasn't worth it then, right, Like I mean, at the end of the day, if you neither one went to try to save it, attempted to save it, wasn't really uh. I think I tried to save it once and I don't know what happened. Like I mean, at the at the end of the day, I had I was a new mom, and so I was really trying to navigate a lot of big changes in my life. And so there's a possibility and and I mean, I can only own up to this because it has been the one friendship in my life that's ended that still kind of haunts me to this day. Like I've gotten to the point now in my life where I've experienced the end of a friendship and I'm actually fine with it. But this is one that ended when I was quite young, and I still don't really know what was the deal. And it did haunt me for a while because I kept thinking like, well, did I just not put enough time and energy into it? But did I have that time and energy you know, my life was changing at the time. And some years later we d m on Facebook and I mentioned I'm just not sure why we're not friends anymore or why we don't talk, and she just never responded wow, And I was like wow, And it's funny because, like I said, to this day, we're still friends with the same people and we really just we exist in the same space, but we just do not talk. Did you find your help thinking more about why it happened? Then? Damn I miss it. I spent more time saying why did it happen? Because I did a mind job on me trying to figure out like was I wrong and my bad person? It was I did I do something that I shouldn't have done? And in my doing that still because for a long time I felt like and it really made me look at my other friendships because I was like, well and my selfish, did I'm not give enough? And I think I overdid it in friendships with other people in the following years because I was afraid that it would happen to me again and it was just really kind of trauma to eies and to be honest, because this was like, I mean, I won't get into too many details. I don't know who listens to this podcast. I ain't Trump put nobody business and I know, right, oh, a couple of a couple of times, we guess. I have had to have some long conversation and mend some friendships. I've had to mend some friendships in which I'm so grateful for and I'm so glad she is listening. Okay, I don't know. I just feel like this is one of the things. This is one of the things they were Yeah, yeah, we're gonna get in trouble. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is so specific that she, if she is listening, she knows who I'm talking about. But the thing about it was that it was just really hurtful for me, And even to this day, I sometimes will think like I wonder what did I do. But now I'm older, and I feel like I've had so many other relationships and I feel like, Okay, I'm I'm clear on the type of friend I am, So you gotta do nothing like sometimes these friendships, I mean, not for that. Sometimes it happens when you start living your life in certain ways. Some friends are envious and they don't want to admit to that. And they can't. They don't want to feed the monster, but the monsters feeding it anyway. And that's how it chooses to do it by disassociating itself. And I've always struggled with the jealousy thing, right that. This has always been a struggle and Lah knows this because we've had this in personal conversations. I struggled with that, Like I just feel like, just then you must not know me. We must really not be friends, because you could never I don't understand jealousy, Like of what because if you're really up close on my life, you understand that all the beautiful things that exist come with a little extra package. Amen. So if you know me, then you can reconcile your jealousy if you need to be. You really should be able to like, oh, I'm jealous because she has X, Y and Z, but I know it comes with this, Like you should have that inner conversation with yourself if you know me, if you don't on me, then you can come up what other narrative you want to right, because you're not looking at the question is if you're a friend? Should you're not? Should you not even be having these thoughts? Like that's the whole thing. I think that most of the time, like humanity, like people get jealous and stuff is how you handle it, you know what I mean. Like that's a damn, that's a nice car. I'm car. Damn that's a nice car. Whoa, that's a nice car. Now, when you get grown or when you wake up, you realize you celebrate the person because you know they put in the effort to get that thing, to earn that money, to pay that bill. You ain't got that, you know what I mean. So you have to put things in in the order perspective for yourself and be like, wow, congratulations for you friends. You're doing your friend. That's when you bump your friend up like you, you know what I mean, like instead of but don't say too many times or else you're reach it. And I know that you jealous. You know that one too. I'm just saying that the most that's nice. Girl. Yeah you girls doing it. Girl, you're doing it. As long as it's genuine right, as long as it's coming from a real good place, then it's okay. But when you start, when the when the girl you're you're doing it, you know, I see you you know something there like man, you may keep that. I'm like, what's that ship? That's so funny? It's not real congratulatory, that's that's nasty, got a little I call it snarky. But again, as we go through this ride of life, were also figuring out who is really our friend in that way? Right right, Like even if you have those moments when you feel that way, you talk it out, like you like, I'm sorry I was who I was snarky and I was just hating girl because I'm going through some ship, you know something just and everybody, you know what, it's funny because we all need to be in that place because you can't really call a person on it because a lot of times that just puts them on the defensive. And I will, I'll admit my sure it coms in that I'm just I don't know a bit of an avoider. It's like if you're not really if I don't feel safe, I just fall back, you know, like I'm not really the type to say, you know what, you hurt my feelings that time, or you did such as such and that upset me and I know that that's you know, I just gotta put it out there because I feel like we want to believe we can be healthy in certain situations, but it just takes a certain kind of personality, Like I feel like like he is like that, Like like, yeah, I like that about you because I feel like you're the type of person who's like you feel uncomfortable. You're gonna say that. I didn't like that. I'm not gonna do it. I'm like, uh, it's funny the phone ring. I won't talk. I'll just like fall back, find something else to do. But we need that for it's funny. And when we were talking about having this conversation, I thought about the three of us right and funny enough, like because we tell the truth on this on this show. And I was like, I've been in situations with the both of you where things could have been things could have went left, Like we could have just been like fuck it right and handled it two different ways, Like Jill called me on some ship once and I was like, oh ship, and then I had And it's funny, Asia, because you're right, when I was feeling some type of way about something with us, I had to call you. But the point of all that to me is is that we worked it out, and that's what makes those friendships worth it. That's why I went back to what you said about that other friendship, and I was like, if it was really something worth fighting for, you fight for it, right, even if there's some type of misunderstanding that you think you can't ever get over, you know what I mean? And not that that that wasn't that. We we just addressed it, you know, and then it was over. Oh and then when you know, like she was like, well, you know, I don't want to pits you off, you know how you are. And I was like, girls, shut up. I don't want nobody to be mad at me. I gotta think I do have a thing. That's why I got I probably had too many friends in my life because I really don't want people to be me mad at me. And I'm like, I never intend to hurt people, but sometimes I say stuff or I do stuff. Now, let me say that if I'm in the wrong. If I'm in the wrong, oh, I will address it now. If it's somebody who I feel wrong me, I'm gonna slide back. But if it was me, if I did it, then I like to nip that in the bud, I'd be like, yeah, hello, um what had happened. Was like, uh, because I don't. I don't. I don't want to be nobody did in a conversation. You know what I'm saying, I ain't trying to do that. You are, but but you aren't there at all us Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere you are. Trust. Trust It's fine. Actually, somebody trolled me once on the internet one time, and I figured it with somebody, I must have piste off at some point in my life. So I was like, oh, wow, for you, I said a little I got a little crew of them. I'm pretty sure, yeah I do. I'm like, I don't know, I never really liked you like that, so I don't know. Be be what you are, be mad. I'm I'm pretty great. I'm all right, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back. I think like when you have these vulnerable moments, if you can't have them, then the relationship is like screwed ay, that's one. I mean you you become friends off a vulnerable moment anyway, Yeah, yeah, like real friends because we're candid and naked and you know, in a sense with each other. But the other thing is, see with layah or real mean, since we talked about it, I know your intentions are could m hm. I know that, So you know I might be like, god damn it, lie here. You know, then I don't calling you and say exactly that, God damn lie here. You know what I mean? But I know your intentions are good. You know that's different's intentions. Yeah, you might want to Yeah, so let's talk about those persons and you think what their intentions because I don't want to make a quick judgment. But um, and I also think, I mean, it's it's it's really important to acknowledge the fact that, like in jail situation, it can be even more difficult because it just comes with so much weird stuff with people's intentions and stuff that is like uh, you know, yeah, you you gotta ask some extra additional questions and give people some extra additional buffer time. I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't know. I've had the same friends for such a long time. I go into fast. It's like if I feel, you know, like, let's just say it's all in the course of a workday, Like I'll feel it and be like what was that? That was odd? And then the next time I feel something else in the same kind of energy, like mm hmm, okay, you know I'm not bugging. I see this, this is actually happening. And then it happens again, and I'm like all right, and I could literally hear a sound in myself like I'm like, hey, listen, what the is going on? You're like, you're starky, funny acting what's up? And I get real fooly, like what's going on? Like it something you need to tell me? Like, cause because this energy is not it We're better than that. When did when did we stick to this still? And then that, of course is not probably the right way to handle it. Um, I mean, at least you're handling that. I mean, it's probably I probably need to go somewhere down for a while and take a couple of breaths or whatever. But by the time the sound gets all the way too, I'm there, I think. So I'm like, so, yeah, you're gonna get three strikes, You're gonna be you out. Let's talk what's up? He can? Can? We can we talk about whatever's going on here? Because I feel it. And that's one of the things that I appreciate about this age is that I feel some ship. I feel it. Okay, I'm not gonna it's not me tripping or being extra or bugging or whatever. Like something is off. Something is off. I'm aware of it. Maybe you're not aware of it. Maybe it's not even my place to make you aware of it, but it's affecting me and that that we can't do. You know. I've had I've had the same best friends since birth. Basically my mom was best friends with her mom and now and we've been friends my whole life. And her name is I ain't gonna give her last name because I don't want to put her whole gout men out there, but am did she listen to us? Um? But yeah, we were first, And I really want to shout out because, like you know, we've been friends for so long, We've been through so many stages of life, you know, and we've had some really difficult conversations in terms of like the way that we relate to each other and and and kind of tweaking that over the years. And I remember one thing that happened with us that was U I guess fairly recent and that um, she was going through some things, you know, just life things you know, and we tend to talk about it a lot, and I was just kind of starting to feel over time that our friendship was like really kind of centered around what was happening in her life, and I didn't even at least say anything about it. You know. Sometimes I think she kind of noticed that I would confide in other people, and I think it started to become clear that I wasn't really confiding in her. And she came back to me and was like, look, I want to hear about what's going on in your life, because I realized that we have spent a lot of time on what's happening with me, and and it was rightfully so, you know, there were things happening that needed to be addressed, and she needed friendship, love care, extra care, because we all go through times when we need that bit extra, you know. And so but there were things going on in my life that were pretty you know, pretty intense also, you know what I mean. And and so one of the things that I that I really like about her is that she was able to step back and kind of assess without me having to be so again, do the extra labor of saying, oh, well you did or can you do? Or X, Y and Z that dope a self audit, That's what I'm saying, Like, I think a lot of times in order if if if a friendship goes left, if you want to save it, or even if you don't think it can be saved, there is still rooming there for a self audit to say not what did I do, but just to be thinking about how you're functioning within the relationship, because it's not really that different from your lover or you know what I mean. It's like you still have to figure out, you know, how are you showing up? Because really, in a lot of ways, how you show up in this one might very well be the way you're showing up in some of your other friendships. And folks just ain't saying nothing about it. Let me slide. Yeah, Can I just tell y'all I had I had a friend tell me once and it's funny. She said, she put me aside and she was like, you're just not being a good friend to me right now, and you need to be a better friend. And I was like, this is interesting, right, because of course I did like Asia, And I was like, what I do? I started, you know, and she she had told me still, but also just like, am I really doing this? And then I started checking with some other friends and some people be like, no, see it. And then I also thought about how different friends are different people and you have to attend to them and that's way in that way accordingly right, so although uh most especially well it's funny. I asked I rise one of my best friends. I was like, is im I really like that? She was like, no, I'm good, Like it's good, and I said, but you know what, you ain't her, and so if she requires something different, and if I can self auder and think of our relationship in the last couple of years and what I've done and how many calls I've made and birthday as I'm out of missed and things like that, I was like, you know what, she might be right, I could call someone, you know what I mean. And I was like, and this is a relationship worth saving. This is you know, a twenty something in your relationship, and this is a person that when I call, I know she will be there. So bucket. This is the forties. I think most of my friendships they kind of get me, get me so they know that I grew up as a job ah witness. So birthday slide by, like you know, like hot butter on the sidewalk, they just just melt away. I really don't think about them. Um, I'll even forget mine. I mean, Jets was obviously a big moment, so I don't forget his. But I don't forget a birthday. Man, It'll be the day or the day after or three days after. And I'm like, oh, ship, I sucked. And then I started my sittings off when I sucked. I'm sorry. You know, do you have like one friend, Jill, do you have like one friend that's like that. You know, we all got that one friend. It's like, it's my birth it's my birthday, is my birthday? Mom? I want like all of that. And you know this is this one friend. You have this one friend who's like, come on, Jill, come on you every year, come on, I do it, every I do it. I'm terrible at that. I'm just terrible at it. And then I'm not on face book anymore, so I don't have Facebook to remind me. You know somebody you know, so I don't. I don't. I don't play with her. Well, you don't have Facebook, so that's actually a good cop out. I mean my bad. I know man people, and you know I ain't got Facebook like everybody else. That's a good that's right there, that's your out. I want to know my girlfriend, a very close girlfriend of mine. She has been amazing, like just she's strong. She is completely hilarious and helped me to laugh in some really really dark times and has gone out of her way for me in a way that I just wait, like above and beyond in a in a very very challenging time in my life. And all of a sudden, she stopped answering my phone call all of a sudden, like she you know, I'm sending text messages. They go on for for months and I'm like, what the hell is going on? And finally finally she called me and she was like, did anybody ever tell you you're inconsiderate? I was like no, and she was like, well they should, And I was like, why she didn't tell you sooner? Before she got on the fat up she probably She said she had some other ship in her life to do, okay, And I was like, well, okay, I guess I understand that, but I took that. I definitely took that. And I sat with that thing, and I rolled it around quite a bit, like are you inconsiderate of other people? I would be devastated because I'm that person where once or something gets in the mind with me, it's hard for me to quiet that, especially like that. That a definitive statement like that, girl, you did that. Let me just say this, Let me first say you did that is to be able to know what I'm serious, to be able to set with that and get through it, girl. And I hate that I've allowed people to have that kind of power over me. Oh, I thought about it quite a bit. I thought about it a lot, and because at first I was like, I just I disagree. That's not the conversation that we had. You know, you said this to me and I thought you meant and you know, I didn't know that that wasn't what you meant. Basically, we had a miscommunication. But I understood how she felt and how she looked at it. And I don't want to say I internalized it, because that's not that's too deep, that's too heavy. But I apologized. I apologized. I can see where you're coming from. At first, I could not, but since I know it starts with a miscommunication and a misunderstanding. Okay, that's fair enough. I am so sorry, and that will not happen again. That's fair enough. And then later on, later on, maybe about a year or two later, a very similar situation happened with me. So what it was was I was invited to come over and kick it, and I had my boyfriend at the time with me, and I told her that that's what I thought. She said. I said, it's okay if he comes with. She said, bring who you want. That's what I heard. Maybe that's not what we're saying, but that's what I heard. So I brought him and um, good, my good brother. So we came over there, laughing, cheesing and talking and hanging out and and that. She was like, is he even your boyfriend anymore? And he wasn't. So she was like, you know, you can't just go bring into willy nilly to my career. And I was like, fair enough, fair enough. I didn't know he was gonna be willy nilly. You know, I had no idea. I wonder what you know, we have discussed these friendships that we have preserved, but when it goes left and you let it keep on going, Yeah, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I've had a hard time like kind of asserting my needs in in various relationships. And I want you to. I so want you to. I have I want you to. Want you to tell me and tell lie and tell anybody else what you need because again, I think you're awesome. I think you're awesome. Thank you, love bugs, thank you. All right, I've gotten better. We love you to. Like, no, Liya, is that work? And honestly, let me just say this before I even tell the story, but it's like, Liya, is that work? Because like I said, she's a very very solid asked woman, a very very solid woman in that she is not going to lie to you, but she has compassion and consideration, and when she when she feels as if she's abandoned that that she's very quick to say I'm sorry or I didn't mean to do that, or I was speaking from this place or X, Y and Z. But still very grounded in who you are. You're not a person who's gonna flip flop depending on who's around. You're grounded in who you are, but yet very solid human being. So I don't know who has anything else to say about it? But you know whatever I said, what I said, more real talk after the break. When you lose the benefit of the doubt with a friend, I think the friendship so when when you're yea, I think you know the answer, when you know the answer and the answer ain't good with you. You know what I'm saying. I don't let many friendships go, but I have one. I had to let it. I let it fade away because I was like, oh, I know the answer. You he was visiting anyway, So okay, that's cool. I don't want no visitors. Maybe I'm wrong, but I will. I will let a friendship go over money too. Mm See, Jill, you don't I don't even. I don't even, but you know that you know that. I'm like, I listened that my shoes a year, barely having tokens to get to school. It sad, I know, empty empty cupboards, cabinets. Yeah, what I'm saying, like, what what what's seven hundred dollars to you? The same thing when we took you, The same thing it is to you. But if somebody says that you ain't the one, that's my point. Like, if you're gonna say what's that you ain't you ain't the me. I feel like you've parted. We parted ways over over seven hundred dollars, and I bought my freedom, I supposed, so it's one of the seven hundred dollars. I think the seven hundred dollars is just like the icing. It's not really the seven hundred dollars. It's a situation about considerations. Yeah, it's consideration and respect those kinds of things. Because I feel like I've had situations where people where I'm very giving of my time and energy and and and and folks will feel like entitled to that because I'm so generous with it. I never said that it wasn't valuable or that I wasn't sacrificing something to give it. I just said I was willing right. So if you when when I give it, and then it's like you think you owed that because you think I have it to give or because and that's not money, that's just time, energy, effort, and accessibility. And I think that the respect level is gonna exist no matter what it is, is that whatever that currency is that you bring to the relationship, if people don't have any respect for that, they're gonna use it. They're going to abuse it. They're going to treat it like it's nothing. And then that's like you and say, well, what's that to you? You know, what's it to you? And why did you change? You were you were so loving, you were so giving. Why did you change? Because I'm not getting it in return? And the it's just the respect. It's just the respect. It's just the respect. It's a good way to weed out giving our gifts and doing stuff and haven't given it getting all that energy and emotional energy from somebody else in these conversations that ain't really sincere good, Yeah say that to me now I can Okay, good, you're gonna oh okay, I get you know what I have to give? Yeah, okay, Yeah, that's what I'm saying because that's the thing is that now we were understanding that being in relationship with anyone is labor, and I'm and you want to You're only gonna use it when it it's worth it. And it's like, well, yeah, no, I'm not about to give you this extra labor. No, I'm not gonna do that. And like I said, for me, I've had a hard time with this. So I just wanted to all the listeners out there that that you know, you know, we all talked about on the internet. People talk big talk on the internet. I'll block, I'll put you out my life, I'll stop talking to you, I'll such and such, such and such. I'm sorry, I can't relate. I've never been that person. I've had a hard time with that. So I know that asserting oneself in a way that says that you're honoring your own boundaries, and particularly with someone who you would call a friend. When I was socialized to believe friendship meant sacrificing and being there and doing for people and blah blah blah blah blah, and that's what you do. You show up, you know what I mean, and me having a really really pull back and decide, like how much of that is really true? You know what I mean? I could have done some of that. Yeah, I gotta go. Some of that has to go. And many people, many people have benefited from my inability to do that. I've been many many have benefited. It takes a lot for me to get there. It takes a lot, Oh, it takes a lot. I'm not the I'm not the one that comes out swinging right away like it takes a lot. Yeah, I kind of want to forgive you because I'm just like, oh, whatever you're going through, I didn't do it, you know what I'm saying, like, Oh, I feel sorry for you all you're hurting this side. Oh you know, but once you get me to that place, I don't have a problem never speaking to you. I don't have a problem walking past you like you never existed. Like there's literal uh air, just space where you are. I could look directly through you once we get there, Once we get there. One more fact that since we talk energy, have you ever had a friend that you've had to distant yourself with because their energy was so consistently drawing? Yeah, and they didn't they weren't doing anything about it, right, Because that's the key. I mean, people have got the depression that got issue all. But I want to say that because don't want to be insensitive. No, I have to say I think I know exactly what you're talking about, and yeah, yes, And I ventured to say that because of that, I'm more cognizant of it doing that myself when I'm in a space draining other people, draining other people, like because I experienced it before, and I know the person who did it to me was not aware, and they yeah, they were not aware. And I was like, how do I create boundaries but then still let this person know I love them and care about them, but still create some space for myself so that I'm not walking away totally depleted. You know. But at the end of the day, I have a cousin that my cousin d D and I call her. We call her Yoda, And because she always has the answer okay, And Yoda is always telling us that, you know, everybody has the ability to make a decision. That person made a decision to do what they're doing, and so you have your own decisions to make, and you cannot make your decisions based on what it is they're doing. You have to do it based on what it is going to be comfortable for you, because they're not going to decide one day to make you a part of their of of of that equation. They're going to continue to make decisions for themselves about themselves, with themselves in the center. And that's just a fact. We can have a portion of the show where we ask Yoda, oh, very now you stop would be honey, everything Yoda is everything. I was on phone with Yoda yesterday because because and it's funny because we all are on a group text. It's about seven of us, and we all take terms corner and be like, yeah, I talked to I talked to DD the other day, or I talked to Yoda yesterday, b blah blah blah blah. And we talked to each other about talking to Yoda. So it's like knows this, she already knows. You might not want to share, but what you know, like just uh like maybe somebody asked us a question or where we have a question, like let's call Yoda that Yeah, that'd be nice. But I do think again, it's that thing about making decisions. It's it's part of it self care. That's it's part of self care, part of it. Yeah, when you get older, you just don't have the room like you hadn't know. Yo. This is so ill, Yo. Consciously aging is so ill in that way where you acknowledge these things. Asia. I always I'm always get kind of like in a conscious shock of again like yeah, when I was twenty, I wasn't thinking like this. It really, y'all, it really does happen. I'm sorry, my girlfriend's son when he was a little he came over. He was like, I made dinner, and he said, I'm not hungry for that. And then first, you know, my mind was like that the fuck, what kind of extra spoiled you know, like the same thing you're talking about, I'm not hungry for that. I was like, well, what might you be hungry for? You know? I was like, but I feel like it's that way with our with our friendships too, Like I'm not hungry for that whatever, whatever that energy is that you're giving off where it doesn't quite feel like friendship or love, it doesn't quite feel like support. It kind of feels jealous, it kind of feels hurtful, you know, it's a little you know, you got a little snark in that in that energy. For whatever reason, it turns into something nice for a few minutes, and then it goes back to this thing. Well, I'm not hungry for that. And I'm gonna tell you this right now, what you have been I call it some bit shit. You call of what it is, because at the end of the day, it's like I feel like I've been thoroughly loved in my life. I feel like in friendships, in particular. I've been loved. I know what love feels like, so I'm clear on that. You make it easy, that feels like. So I'm like, when it don't feel like that, I'm playing my own self because it's like aga, it's not like you're in a situation where you don't know what that's supposed to feel like. And that's why I was like, I had to shake myself, you know, I'd be like I shake you, to shake my old self, like, girl, stop pretending like you are wasting our time, like cut it out, cut it the hell out. And I'm like I said, I'm only saying this because I feel like sometimes even in this moment, that we're our best selves. I know we're really honest on this podcast, but I feel like we do present our best selves. But this is something y'all hit it. I'm sorry, y'all really really hit something for me because I struggle, okay with that, and I'm so grateful to not be in that place anymore because it's like, oh gosh, I would let people say things to me. I've let people say things to me out their mouth that when I think about it, it upsets me. You know what, I'm saying, and I've let people do things in the name of oh I know where that comes from, or that's all right, they just or I'm good or that's okay, or they're this so that, and it's like, yeah, nah, nah, I'm never doing that ship again, never getting back on that. But imagine if that's your family, you know, if that's your people, your people, that it's some kind of underbelly of nastiness. I don't really I don't really care. I've well, I've I've definitely walked away from some friendships and I have walked away from from something Emily as well. Yeah, sometimes it's more hurtful away from the friendships. The family just blood connected anyway, so you feel my friends didn't done. You got memories though, you know, it's like that's that's summer when we all win. This is who you are, who I am, right, I can't I can't take that. And family sometimes it's like super triggering. Like you were in a part of a family and they didn't talk about certain things or do certain things, and you went off on your own and and did your personal work, you did your inner work. You can't come back into that circle and be all kiki ha with a bunch of people who are gonna say anything out the side of their mouth and do anything and then justify it by the fact that that's just the way that they do things within that structure, like the family, and so it's like, yeah, no, we were not doing that, and honestly, for real, for real, and with my children. I've allowed my children to make that decision for themselves too. And if they come to me and say I can't interact with so and so, and they tell me why, and I'm like, Okay, that's your choice. You do not have to do. You do not have to now now, Wymnut, you don't need you don't hit the trigger here. When when that happens? Because I mean, I'm currently in a situation like that and my kid has told me I don't ever need to see them ever again, and I'm good with making sure that that doesn't occur. What do I say on that note? We are going to um, We're gonna take a couple of breathing moments and come back and talk about this. This next level of of when when friendship goes left, but also when family does, what do what do you do? What do we do? There. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast Jay dot Ill. Please be blessed and look up, look up at the sky today. Thanks. How do you Eat an Elephant? One by it TI? Hey listeners, it's Amber here, the producer of jd i Ill and this episode, the ladies talked about letting go of toxic relationships and that sometimes includes family and friends. There's a lot to unpack there, from pain, to griefs to guilt. I want to leave you with an awesome article from the Pragmatic Parents on letting go of toxic family members. They cover everything from the signs to look out for and the steps to take when cutting off a harmful relationship. I'll drop the link in the show notes. Hi. If you have comments on something we said in this episode, call eight six six Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast JA dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. For More podcast from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im a production of I Heart Radio. What's up everybody, Hi, it's been a few days. Welcome back to Jay dot Ilga podcast. It's me Joe Scott and I'm here with my friends Lah st Clair. How many of us have them? Oh Ada graydon dance? Look what about your friends? Yeah, I don't know, she said, be Hona, Yeah, yeah, it's to this day it bugs me out how they sold so many records that had so many souls out tours and ended up, you know, not making money. Yeah, just talking about t l C. You know, three famous friends. Just just listen to that song, like, I know so many people sing that song like I know I did, I still do. Those those songs are classic. Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls like that's good ship, big biggest song probably in the history of music, is up there with the big biggest songs ever. So yeah, I mean it's always it's always kind of wild how that happens. But you know, we know this business, we know how it works, we know how the artists end up on that that bottom part of the totem pole. And they really just came out of the time period where you know, if you weren't the songwriter, the producer or the label. Yeah, can shame on you, shameful you. Yeah. Look, today we are actually gonna be talking about when friendships go left. You know, you think you've got something good with someone, like you've been completely vulnerable and honest and even laughed a lot. You know, we shared some real deep ship, like you know, and all of a sudden, the friendship just dissipates and you can feel it, you can see it, you can damn near smell it and taste it, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is. I know that's happened to me a couple of times in this life where I'm like, what happened? What's going on? And my mom would say things like, well, did you do anything? And I'm like, not that I know of, Like if I don't know, it's an entire because it has you like in a spiral. You're like in a spiral, like did I do something? What I do? What did I say? What? What happened? I have been there. I had a situation some many many years ago. This is like the first time that's ever happened to me, And to this day, like we just never really addressed it. And and it's funny because we're friends with a lot of the same people and we just have not addressed it has been twenty four years. It wasn't worth it then, right, Like I mean, at the end of the day, if you neither one went to try to save it, attempted to save it, wasn't really uh. I think I tried to save it once and I don't know what happened. Like I mean, at the at the end of the day, I had I was a new mom, and so I was really trying to navigate a lot of big changes in my life. And so there's a possibility and and I mean, I can only own up to this because it has been the one friendship in my life that's ended that still kind of haunts me to this day. Like I've gotten to the point now in my life where I've experienced the end of a friendship and I'm actually fine with it. But this is one that ended when I was quite young, and I still don't really know what was the deal. And it did haunt me for a while because I kept thinking like, well, did I just not put enough time and energy into it? But did I have that time and energy you know, my life was changing at the time. And some years later we d m on Facebook and I mentioned I'm just not sure why we're not friends anymore or why we don't talk, and she just never responded wow, And I was like wow, And it's funny because, like I said, to this day, we're still friends with the same people and we really just we exist in the same space, but we just do not talk. Did you find your help thinking more about why it happened? Then? Damn I miss it. I spent more time saying why did it happen? Because I did a mind job on me trying to figure out like was I wrong and my bad person? It was I did I do something that I shouldn't have done? And in my doing that still because for a long time I felt like and it really made me look at my other friendships because I was like, well and my selfish, did I'm not give enough? And I think I overdid it in friendships with other people in the following years because I was afraid that it would happen to me again and it was just really kind of trauma to eies and to be honest, because this was like, I mean, I won't get into too many details. I don't know who listens to this podcast. I ain't Trump put nobody business and I know, right, oh, a couple of a couple of times, we guess. I have had to have some long conversation and mend some friendships. I've had to mend some friendships in which I'm so grateful for and I'm so glad she is listening. Okay, I don't know. I just feel like this is one of the things. This is one of the things they were Yeah, yeah, we're gonna get in trouble. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is so specific that she, if she is listening, she knows who I'm talking about. But the thing about it was that it was just really hurtful for me, And even to this day, I sometimes will think like I wonder what did I do. But now I'm older, and I feel like I've had so many other relationships and I feel like, Okay, I'm I'm clear on the type of friend I am, So you gotta do nothing like sometimes these friendships, I mean, not for that. Sometimes it happens when you start living your life in certain ways. Some friends are envious and they don't want to admit to that. And they can't. They don't want to feed the monster, but the monsters feeding it anyway. And that's how it chooses to do it by disassociating itself. And I've always struggled with the jealousy thing, right that. This has always been a struggle and Lah knows this because we've had this in personal conversations. I struggled with that, Like I just feel like, just then you must not know me. We must really not be friends, because you could never I don't understand jealousy, Like of what because if you're really up close on my life, you understand that all the beautiful things that exist come with a little extra package. Amen. So if you know me, then you can reconcile your jealousy if you need to be. You really should be able to like, oh, I'm jealous because she has X, Y and Z, but I know it comes with this, Like you should have that inner conversation with yourself if you know me, if you don't on me, then you can come up what other narrative you want to right, because you're not looking at the question is if you're a friend? Should you're not? Should you not even be having these thoughts? Like that's the whole thing. I think that most of the time, like humanity, like people get jealous and stuff is how you handle it, you know what I mean. Like that's a damn, that's a nice car. I'm car. Damn that's a nice car. Whoa, that's a nice car. Now, when you get grown or when you wake up, you realize you celebrate the person because you know they put in the effort to get that thing, to earn that money, to pay that bill. You ain't got that, you know what I mean. So you have to put things in in the order perspective for yourself and be like, wow, congratulations for you friends. You're doing your friend. That's when you bump your friend up like you, you know what I mean, like instead of but don't say too many times or else you're reach it. And I know that you jealous. You know that one too. I'm just saying that the most that's nice. Girl. Yeah you girls doing it. Girl, you're doing it. As long as it's genuine right, as long as it's coming from a real good place, then it's okay. But when you start, when the when the girl you're you're doing it, you know, I see you you know something there like man, you may keep that. I'm like, what's that ship? That's so funny? It's not real congratulatory, that's that's nasty, got a little I call it snarky. But again, as we go through this ride of life, were also figuring out who is really our friend in that way? Right right, Like even if you have those moments when you feel that way, you talk it out, like you like, I'm sorry I was who I was snarky and I was just hating girl because I'm going through some ship, you know something just and everybody, you know what, it's funny because we all need to be in that place because you can't really call a person on it because a lot of times that just puts them on the defensive. And I will, I'll admit my sure it coms in that I'm just I don't know a bit of an avoider. It's like if you're not really if I don't feel safe, I just fall back, you know, like I'm not really the type to say, you know what, you hurt my feelings that time, or you did such as such and that upset me and I know that that's you know, I just gotta put it out there because I feel like we want to believe we can be healthy in certain situations, but it just takes a certain kind of personality, Like I feel like like he is like that, Like like, yeah, I like that about you because I feel like you're the type of person who's like you feel uncomfortable. You're gonna say that. I didn't like that. I'm not gonna do it. I'm like, uh, it's funny the phone ring. I won't talk. I'll just like fall back, find something else to do. But we need that for it's funny. And when we were talking about having this conversation, I thought about the three of us right and funny enough, like because we tell the truth on this on this show. And I was like, I've been in situations with the both of you where things could have been things could have went left, Like we could have just been like fuck it right and handled it two different ways, Like Jill called me on some ship once and I was like, oh ship, and then I had And it's funny, Asia, because you're right, when I was feeling some type of way about something with us, I had to call you. But the point of all that to me is is that we worked it out, and that's what makes those friendships worth it. That's why I went back to what you said about that other friendship, and I was like, if it was really something worth fighting for, you fight for it, right, even if there's some type of misunderstanding that you think you can't ever get over, you know what I mean? And not that that that wasn't that. We we just addressed it, you know, and then it was over. Oh and then when you know, like she was like, well, you know, I don't want to pits you off, you know how you are. And I was like, girls, shut up. I don't want nobody to be mad at me. I gotta think I do have a thing. That's why I got I probably had too many friends in my life because I really don't want people to be me mad at me. And I'm like, I never intend to hurt people, but sometimes I say stuff or I do stuff. Now, let me say that if I'm in the wrong. If I'm in the wrong, oh, I will address it now. If it's somebody who I feel wrong me, I'm gonna slide back. But if it was me, if I did it, then I like to nip that in the bud, I'd be like, yeah, hello, um what had happened. Was like, uh, because I don't. I don't. I don't want to be nobody did in a conversation. You know what I'm saying, I ain't trying to do that. You are, but but you aren't there at all us Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere you are. Trust. Trust It's fine. Actually, somebody trolled me once on the internet one time, and I figured it with somebody, I must have piste off at some point in my life. So I was like, oh, wow, for you, I said a little I got a little crew of them. I'm pretty sure, yeah I do. I'm like, I don't know, I never really liked you like that, so I don't know. Be be what you are, be mad. I'm I'm pretty great. I'm all right, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back. I think like when you have these vulnerable moments, if you can't have them, then the relationship is like screwed ay, that's one. I mean you you become friends off a vulnerable moment anyway, Yeah, yeah, like real friends because we're candid and naked and you know, in a sense with each other. But the other thing is, see with layah or real mean, since we talked about it, I know your intentions are could m hm. I know that, So you know I might be like, god damn it, lie here. You know, then I don't calling you and say exactly that, God damn lie here. You know what I mean? But I know your intentions are good. You know that's different's intentions. Yeah, you might want to Yeah, so let's talk about those persons and you think what their intentions because I don't want to make a quick judgment. But um, and I also think, I mean, it's it's it's really important to acknowledge the fact that, like in jail situation, it can be even more difficult because it just comes with so much weird stuff with people's intentions and stuff that is like uh, you know, yeah, you you gotta ask some extra additional questions and give people some extra additional buffer time. I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't know. I've had the same friends for such a long time. I go into fast. It's like if I feel, you know, like, let's just say it's all in the course of a workday, Like I'll feel it and be like what was that? That was odd? And then the next time I feel something else in the same kind of energy, like mm hmm, okay, you know I'm not bugging. I see this, this is actually happening. And then it happens again, and I'm like all right, and I could literally hear a sound in myself like I'm like, hey, listen, what the is going on? You're like, you're starky, funny acting what's up? And I get real fooly, like what's going on? Like it something you need to tell me? Like, cause because this energy is not it We're better than that. When did when did we stick to this still? And then that, of course is not probably the right way to handle it. Um, I mean, at least you're handling that. I mean, it's probably I probably need to go somewhere down for a while and take a couple of breaths or whatever. But by the time the sound gets all the way too, I'm there, I think. So I'm like, so, yeah, you're gonna get three strikes, You're gonna be you out. Let's talk what's up? He can? Can? We can we talk about whatever's going on here? Because I feel it. And that's one of the things that I appreciate about this age is that I feel some ship. I feel it. Okay, I'm not gonna it's not me tripping or being extra or bugging or whatever. Like something is off. Something is off. I'm aware of it. Maybe you're not aware of it. Maybe it's not even my place to make you aware of it, but it's affecting me and that that we can't do. You know. I've had I've had the same best friends since birth. Basically my mom was best friends with her mom and now and we've been friends my whole life. And her name is I ain't gonna give her last name because I don't want to put her whole gout men out there, but am did she listen to us? Um? But yeah, we were first, And I really want to shout out because, like you know, we've been friends for so long, We've been through so many stages of life, you know, and we've had some really difficult conversations in terms of like the way that we relate to each other and and and kind of tweaking that over the years. And I remember one thing that happened with us that was U I guess fairly recent and that um, she was going through some things, you know, just life things you know, and we tend to talk about it a lot, and I was just kind of starting to feel over time that our friendship was like really kind of centered around what was happening in her life, and I didn't even at least say anything about it. You know. Sometimes I think she kind of noticed that I would confide in other people, and I think it started to become clear that I wasn't really confiding in her. And she came back to me and was like, look, I want to hear about what's going on in your life, because I realized that we have spent a lot of time on what's happening with me, and and it was rightfully so, you know, there were things happening that needed to be addressed, and she needed friendship, love care, extra care, because we all go through times when we need that bit extra, you know. And so but there were things going on in my life that were pretty you know, pretty intense also, you know what I mean. And and so one of the things that I that I really like about her is that she was able to step back and kind of assess without me having to be so again, do the extra labor of saying, oh, well you did or can you do? Or X, Y and Z that dope a self audit, That's what I'm saying, Like, I think a lot of times in order if if if a friendship goes left, if you want to save it, or even if you don't think it can be saved, there is still rooming there for a self audit to say not what did I do, but just to be thinking about how you're functioning within the relationship, because it's not really that different from your lover or you know what I mean. It's like you still have to figure out, you know, how are you showing up? Because really, in a lot of ways, how you show up in this one might very well be the way you're showing up in some of your other friendships. And folks just ain't saying nothing about it. Let me slide. Yeah, Can I just tell y'all I had I had a friend tell me once and it's funny. She said, she put me aside and she was like, you're just not being a good friend to me right now, and you need to be a better friend. And I was like, this is interesting, right, because of course I did like Asia, And I was like, what I do? I started, you know, and she she had told me still, but also just like, am I really doing this? And then I started checking with some other friends and some people be like, no, see it. And then I also thought about how different friends are different people and you have to attend to them and that's way in that way accordingly right, so although uh most especially well it's funny. I asked I rise one of my best friends. I was like, is im I really like that? She was like, no, I'm good, Like it's good, and I said, but you know what, you ain't her, and so if she requires something different, and if I can self auder and think of our relationship in the last couple of years and what I've done and how many calls I've made and birthday as I'm out of missed and things like that, I was like, you know what, she might be right, I could call someone, you know what I mean. And I was like, and this is a relationship worth saving. This is you know, a twenty something in your relationship, and this is a person that when I call, I know she will be there. So bucket. This is the forties. I think most of my friendships they kind of get me, get me so they know that I grew up as a job ah witness. So birthday slide by, like you know, like hot butter on the sidewalk, they just just melt away. I really don't think about them. Um, I'll even forget mine. I mean, Jets was obviously a big moment, so I don't forget his. But I don't forget a birthday. Man, It'll be the day or the day after or three days after. And I'm like, oh, ship, I sucked. And then I started my sittings off when I sucked. I'm sorry. You know, do you have like one friend, Jill, do you have like one friend that's like that. You know, we all got that one friend. It's like, it's my birth it's my birthday, is my birthday? Mom? I want like all of that. And you know this is this one friend. You have this one friend who's like, come on, Jill, come on you every year, come on, I do it, every I do it. I'm terrible at that. I'm just terrible at it. And then I'm not on face book anymore, so I don't have Facebook to remind me. You know somebody you know, so I don't. I don't. I don't play with her. Well, you don't have Facebook, so that's actually a good cop out. I mean my bad. I know man people, and you know I ain't got Facebook like everybody else. That's a good that's right there, that's your out. I want to know my girlfriend, a very close girlfriend of mine. She has been amazing, like just she's strong. She is completely hilarious and helped me to laugh in some really really dark times and has gone out of her way for me in a way that I just wait, like above and beyond in a in a very very challenging time in my life. And all of a sudden, she stopped answering my phone call all of a sudden, like she you know, I'm sending text messages. They go on for for months and I'm like, what the hell is going on? And finally finally she called me and she was like, did anybody ever tell you you're inconsiderate? I was like no, and she was like, well they should, And I was like, why she didn't tell you sooner? Before she got on the fat up she probably She said she had some other ship in her life to do, okay, And I was like, well, okay, I guess I understand that, but I took that. I definitely took that. And I sat with that thing, and I rolled it around quite a bit, like are you inconsiderate of other people? I would be devastated because I'm that person where once or something gets in the mind with me, it's hard for me to quiet that, especially like that. That a definitive statement like that, girl, you did that. Let me just say this, Let me first say you did that is to be able to know what I'm serious, to be able to set with that and get through it, girl. And I hate that I've allowed people to have that kind of power over me. Oh, I thought about it quite a bit. I thought about it a lot, and because at first I was like, I just I disagree. That's not the conversation that we had. You know, you said this to me and I thought you meant and you know, I didn't know that that wasn't what you meant. Basically, we had a miscommunication. But I understood how she felt and how she looked at it. And I don't want to say I internalized it, because that's not that's too deep, that's too heavy. But I apologized. I apologized. I can see where you're coming from. At first, I could not, but since I know it starts with a miscommunication and a misunderstanding. Okay, that's fair enough. I am so sorry, and that will not happen again. That's fair enough. And then later on, later on, maybe about a year or two later, a very similar situation happened with me. So what it was was I was invited to come over and kick it, and I had my boyfriend at the time with me, and I told her that that's what I thought. She said. I said, it's okay if he comes with. She said, bring who you want. That's what I heard. Maybe that's not what we're saying, but that's what I heard. So I brought him and um, good, my good brother. So we came over there, laughing, cheesing and talking and hanging out and and that. She was like, is he even your boyfriend anymore? And he wasn't. So she was like, you know, you can't just go bring into willy nilly to my career. And I was like, fair enough, fair enough. I didn't know he was gonna be willy nilly. You know, I had no idea. I wonder what you know, we have discussed these friendships that we have preserved, but when it goes left and you let it keep on going, Yeah, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I've had a hard time like kind of asserting my needs in in various relationships. And I want you to. I so want you to. I have I want you to. Want you to tell me and tell lie and tell anybody else what you need because again, I think you're awesome. I think you're awesome. Thank you, love bugs, thank you. All right, I've gotten better. We love you to. Like, no, Liya, is that work? And honestly, let me just say this before I even tell the story, but it's like, Liya, is that work? Because like I said, she's a very very solid asked woman, a very very solid woman in that she is not going to lie to you, but she has compassion and consideration, and when she when she feels as if she's abandoned that that she's very quick to say I'm sorry or I didn't mean to do that, or I was speaking from this place or X, Y and Z. But still very grounded in who you are. You're not a person who's gonna flip flop depending on who's around. You're grounded in who you are, but yet very solid human being. So I don't know who has anything else to say about it? But you know whatever I said, what I said, more real talk after the break. When you lose the benefit of the doubt with a friend, I think the friendship so when when you're yea, I think you know the answer, when you know the answer and the answer ain't good with you. You know what I'm saying. I don't let many friendships go, but I have one. I had to let it. I let it fade away because I was like, oh, I know the answer. You he was visiting anyway, So okay, that's cool. I don't want no visitors. Maybe I'm wrong, but I will. I will let a friendship go over money too. Mm See, Jill, you don't I don't even. I don't even, but you know that you know that. I'm like, I listened that my shoes a year, barely having tokens to get to school. It sad, I know, empty empty cupboards, cabinets. Yeah, what I'm saying, like, what what what's seven hundred dollars to you? The same thing when we took you, The same thing it is to you. But if somebody says that you ain't the one, that's my point. Like, if you're gonna say what's that you ain't you ain't the me. I feel like you've parted. We parted ways over over seven hundred dollars, and I bought my freedom, I supposed, so it's one of the seven hundred dollars. I think the seven hundred dollars is just like the icing. It's not really the seven hundred dollars. It's a situation about considerations. Yeah, it's consideration and respect those kinds of things. Because I feel like I've had situations where people where I'm very giving of my time and energy and and and and folks will feel like entitled to that because I'm so generous with it. I never said that it wasn't valuable or that I wasn't sacrificing something to give it. I just said I was willing right. So if you when when I give it, and then it's like you think you owed that because you think I have it to give or because and that's not money, that's just time, energy, effort, and accessibility. And I think that the respect level is gonna exist no matter what it is, is that whatever that currency is that you bring to the relationship, if people don't have any respect for that, they're gonna use it. They're going to abuse it. They're going to treat it like it's nothing. And then that's like you and say, well, what's that to you? You know, what's it to you? And why did you change? You were you were so loving, you were so giving. Why did you change? Because I'm not getting it in return? And the it's just the respect. It's just the respect. It's just the respect. It's a good way to weed out giving our gifts and doing stuff and haven't given it getting all that energy and emotional energy from somebody else in these conversations that ain't really sincere good, Yeah say that to me now I can Okay, good, you're gonna oh okay, I get you know what I have to give? Yeah, okay, Yeah, that's what I'm saying because that's the thing is that now we were understanding that being in relationship with anyone is labor, and I'm and you want to You're only gonna use it when it it's worth it. And it's like, well, yeah, no, I'm not about to give you this extra labor. No, I'm not gonna do that. And like I said, for me, I've had a hard time with this. So I just wanted to all the listeners out there that that you know, you know, we all talked about on the internet. People talk big talk on the internet. I'll block, I'll put you out my life, I'll stop talking to you, I'll such and such, such and such. I'm sorry, I can't relate. I've never been that person. I've had a hard time with that. So I know that asserting oneself in a way that says that you're honoring your own boundaries, and particularly with someone who you would call a friend. When I was socialized to believe friendship meant sacrificing and being there and doing for people and blah blah blah blah blah, and that's what you do. You show up, you know what I mean, and me having a really really pull back and decide, like how much of that is really true? You know what I mean? I could have done some of that. Yeah, I gotta go. Some of that has to go. And many people, many people have benefited from my inability to do that. I've been many many have benefited. It takes a lot for me to get there. It takes a lot, Oh, it takes a lot. I'm not the I'm not the one that comes out swinging right away like it takes a lot. Yeah, I kind of want to forgive you because I'm just like, oh, whatever you're going through, I didn't do it, you know what I'm saying, like, Oh, I feel sorry for you all you're hurting this side. Oh you know, but once you get me to that place, I don't have a problem never speaking to you. I don't have a problem walking past you like you never existed. Like there's literal uh air, just space where you are. I could look directly through you once we get there, Once we get there. One more fact that since we talk energy, have you ever had a friend that you've had to distant yourself with because their energy was so consistently drawing? Yeah, and they didn't they weren't doing anything about it, right, Because that's the key. I mean, people have got the depression that got issue all. But I want to say that because don't want to be insensitive. No, I have to say I think I know exactly what you're talking about, and yeah, yes, And I ventured to say that because of that, I'm more cognizant of it doing that myself when I'm in a space draining other people, draining other people, like because I experienced it before, and I know the person who did it to me was not aware, and they yeah, they were not aware. And I was like, how do I create boundaries but then still let this person know I love them and care about them, but still create some space for myself so that I'm not walking away totally depleted. You know. But at the end of the day, I have a cousin that my cousin d D and I call her. We call her Yoda, And because she always has the answer okay, And Yoda is always telling us that, you know, everybody has the ability to make a decision. That person made a decision to do what they're doing, and so you have your own decisions to make, and you cannot make your decisions based on what it is they're doing. You have to do it based on what it is going to be comfortable for you, because they're not going to decide one day to make you a part of their of of of that equation. They're going to continue to make decisions for themselves about themselves, with themselves in the center. And that's just a fact. We can have a portion of the show where we ask Yoda, oh, very now you stop would be honey, everything Yoda is everything. I was on phone with Yoda yesterday because because and it's funny because we all are on a group text. It's about seven of us, and we all take terms corner and be like, yeah, I talked to I talked to DD the other day, or I talked to Yoda yesterday, b blah blah blah blah. And we talked to each other about talking to Yoda. So it's like knows this, she already knows. You might not want to share, but what you know, like just uh like maybe somebody asked us a question or where we have a question, like let's call Yoda that Yeah, that'd be nice. But I do think again, it's that thing about making decisions. It's it's part of it self care. That's it's part of self care, part of it. Yeah, when you get older, you just don't have the room like you hadn't know. Yo. This is so ill, Yo. Consciously aging is so ill in that way where you acknowledge these things. Asia. I always I'm always get kind of like in a conscious shock of again like yeah, when I was twenty, I wasn't thinking like this. It really, y'all, it really does happen. I'm sorry, my girlfriend's son when he was a little he came over. He was like, I made dinner, and he said, I'm not hungry for that. And then first, you know, my mind was like that the fuck, what kind of extra spoiled you know, like the same thing you're talking about, I'm not hungry for that. I was like, well, what might you be hungry for? You know? I was like, but I feel like it's that way with our with our friendships too, Like I'm not hungry for that whatever, whatever that energy is that you're giving off where it doesn't quite feel like friendship or love, it doesn't quite feel like support. It kind of feels jealous, it kind of feels hurtful, you know, it's a little you know, you got a little snark in that in that energy. For whatever reason, it turns into something nice for a few minutes, and then it goes back to this thing. Well, I'm not hungry for that. And I'm gonna tell you this right now, what you have been I call it some bit shit. You call of what it is, because at the end of the day, it's like I feel like I've been thoroughly loved in my life. I feel like in friendships, in particular. I've been loved. I know what love feels like, so I'm clear on that. You make it easy, that feels like. So I'm like, when it don't feel like that, I'm playing my own self because it's like aga, it's not like you're in a situation where you don't know what that's supposed to feel like. And that's why I was like, I had to shake myself, you know, I'd be like I shake you, to shake my old self, like, girl, stop pretending like you are wasting our time, like cut it out, cut it the hell out. And I'm like I said, I'm only saying this because I feel like sometimes even in this moment, that we're our best selves. I know we're really honest on this podcast, but I feel like we do present our best selves. But this is something y'all hit it. I'm sorry, y'all really really hit something for me because I struggle, okay with that, and I'm so grateful to not be in that place anymore because it's like, oh gosh, I would let people say things to me. I've let people say things to me out their mouth that when I think about it, it upsets me. You know what, I'm saying, and I've let people do things in the name of oh I know where that comes from, or that's all right, they just or I'm good or that's okay, or they're this so that, and it's like, yeah, nah, nah, I'm never doing that ship again, never getting back on that. But imagine if that's your family, you know, if that's your people, your people, that it's some kind of underbelly of nastiness. I don't really I don't really care. I've well, I've I've definitely walked away from some friendships and I have walked away from from something Emily as well. Yeah, sometimes it's more hurtful away from the friendships. The family just blood connected anyway, so you feel my friends didn't done. You got memories though, you know, it's like that's that's summer when we all win. This is who you are, who I am, right, I can't I can't take that. And family sometimes it's like super triggering. Like you were in a part of a family and they didn't talk about certain things or do certain things, and you went off on your own and and did your personal work, you did your inner work. You can't come back into that circle and be all kiki ha with a bunch of people who are gonna say anything out the side of their mouth and do anything and then justify it by the fact that that's just the way that they do things within that structure, like the family, and so it's like, yeah, no, we were not doing that, and honestly, for real, for real, and with my children. I've allowed my children to make that decision for themselves too. And if they come to me and say I can't interact with so and so, and they tell me why, and I'm like, Okay, that's your choice. You do not have to do. You do not have to now now, Wymnut, you don't need you don't hit the trigger here. When when that happens? Because I mean, I'm currently in a situation like that and my kid has told me I don't ever need to see them ever again, and I'm good with making sure that that doesn't occur. What do I say on that note? We are going to um, We're gonna take a couple of breathing moments and come back and talk about this. This next level of of when when friendship goes left, but also when family does, what do what do you do? What do we do? There. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast Jay dot Ill. Please be blessed and look up, look up at the sky today. Thanks. How do you Eat an Elephant? One by it TI? Hey listeners, it's Amber here, the producer of jd i Ill and this episode, the ladies talked about letting go of toxic relationships and that sometimes includes family and friends. There's a lot to unpack there, from pain, to griefs to guilt. I want to leave you with an awesome article from the Pragmatic Parents on letting go of toxic family members. They cover everything from the signs to look out for and the steps to take when cutting off a harmful relationship. I'll drop the link in the show notes. Hi. If you have comments on something we said in this episode, call eight six six Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six nine five four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast JA dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. For More podcast from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
