Can I Be a Quilt?

00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot Ill, a production of My Heart Radio. What's up everybody? This is the lady Jill Scott. How are you. I hope you are blessed fun you are listening to Jay dot Ill. I'm here with my sister friends Lies and Claire. Hello, I'm a lady to kind of lady. She's a age of grader. Heler, heler, heler. I hope everybody's doing all right. We are talking today about the boxes that are pleased on us mad early least early, and we end up carrying the ship. Get up carrying a ship from from trying to break out of those boxes. Girl, I've noted like some people seem to fit in the box so perfectly that you have to assume that that's who they are. Yeah, I mean, like, okay, for instance, let's say some of our elitist are black elite, you know, going to the schools, their parents have all the money. They've got a car, not not just a car, car car. At sixteen years old with no job, they're like, I don't know, some kind of stufford kids or something. Yes, they're now married with a girl and up and the fluffy dog. You know, all of the quote unquote good stuff what America's dream is built on. I noticed that part of that. It really looks like that could be amazing. But when they hit the fan, when a ship I always love that saying when the ship hits the fan, because I always get a visual. It's a horrible visual. You can just you can just hear it. Oh he was gonna go there, jail. You just it's just because in the quiet of it all the parents are not exactly getting along, or the successful mom or successful dad is busy dip dabbling secretary or the assist. Don't the massups or something you know like that all comes crashing into some terrible burn and me on his bike showing me his private parts. I'm sorry, you really say, don't you love when somebody put their little personal situation in there that don't have nothing to do when that nobody that does, because that is their nuclear set up. From the outside, they look like the family he turns into the flashy neighbor. Yeah, I mean, I mean sometimes it's real. Sometimes I'm just real. I know happy families, nuclear families, I know, actually I know quite a bit of them where they actually really love each other and they're good to each other and look out for each other, and patience with each other and help each other. You know, it does exist. However, when when you fit so neatly in that box. Okay, here we go. I have a friend who is black and black blacked black black black. Is that visually or thoughts wise? I thought wise. It's kinty cloth on the book bags, it's kinty cloth on the gym. Outfit on the car is wrapped in kinty. That ball uniform all everything is always something. Had to have it for the graduation, you know around the neck, the whole tie thing, you know, like they're real like blackety black, black, blackety black all day. All of the sun's very white women, all of them. Is that an the box in itself? So, Jill, that's interesting. I like to hear it. But what do you think do you think? Do you think that that is a rejection of the box? Yep? I don't know. Sometimes, you know what we're talking about about tactically, shouldn't we be celebrating that though? I mean, at the end of the day, what they said is I shall not be defined as you by united that I will be defined. I mean, we may not we may have our thoughts about what was done, but the act of defiance is and depending on the whole tep n he got a different reason. He's like, yes, I'm muddy muddy in the waters, but I'm still for the cost because many of them are muddy in the water. It's like, wow, okay, but that is an interesting box that you you chose, because yeah, they tend to go either way. We all know that about hole teps see it or it's called hole tep Now, back in the nineties it was called the backpacker. Actually, Lady Williams Coin did it was the Dirty backpack Crew. Oh I didn't the Dirty backpack Crew leader. Like I was being I had an old jam sport that I carried everywhere that that was like the purse for me. I had a backpack. I still carry backpack. I'm sorry me too. And y'all don't realize that it's kind of regional because I was literally talking to my boyfriend who's half St. Louis half Callie, and I was like, yo, last night, I said, were you were you a backpacker? Did you know backpackers? He was like what is that? I was like, what are you talking about? Like we went to the club with our backpack. You know, we was kind of earthy sometimes to dude, what Tommy, you know, they was always in a siper wrapping. You know, book can't click. You know what I'm saying is the first album like a Onesie top. What was that thing? We used to wear the body suit with the baggy jeans and the thick cat you know, yeah, with the thick shoes for the backpack, dance all night those listen. It just we all thought that we could dance off of dance all though we all thought that we were from the Caribbean thing. We all thought, I don't I don't under I'm sorry, I mean even seriously though it was beautiful at the time. But I will say this for work for Jill and I she could say if I'm wrong, I always speak for you boom. But by the time that we got up into the industry and it was like that was a hard image to shake. It was like the earthy earth mother conscious whatever that was, you know, incense and backpacks and all of that stuff. It was. It was because really wants to escape from not that not that we wanted to at first, but eventually, but while y'all were trying to It's funny because you think it was hard for you. It was hard for me as a radio girl trying to sell that. Y'all right, we're just like every other fucking girl. Like you should have seen how hard it was to say into a song video, are you sick? I remember when Jill's song Getting in the Way came out. Right, The content is one thing, but of course the visual of Jill is another. Right, So you look at Jill and I'm already with my ball shout out to Kobe. She early, she did, she did, I said, but she talking about fighting. I don't understand this is relatable. I don't because of the way she looked, because she fully she dressed. Because I don't came to fight. I don't like, why are we fighting over this song? And thing? Right? I'm sorry it took me to Yeah, it's just funny. It's funny how imagery really does kind of shift things people thinking. They don't even think logically more. They're just like, no, it looks a certain way it has. It looks like a duck, it sounds like a duck. It's a duck. Can remember the first one? The first day discovered Erica had a body, like when the first day Erica wore an outfit and it was like, oh, you can look at her like a woman, like I can hunger after Yeah, you ain't gotta put her on. It's just the boxes. Your boxes there. The boxes are super super unhealthy because okay, let's say you're you know, I hate elitist um. Let's just say we're going back to the elitist anyway where you've got this super nuclear family and the children are expected to be a certain way. I think most of the time when I've experienced this around people, their kids end up wilding out freshman year, come back, you know, pregnice freshman year, come back you know, with with a bevy of of it and bernies, you know, or failing where the parents have going out of their way to get their kids into that school. But that wasn't their jam. It's not what they were really interested in. They wanted to do something else. But see, I didn't even go a lot of you like, I think that a lot of that happens across the board outside of the elitist community. Because you had a conversation with a friend recently who was very much invested in the appearance of a certain kind of like acceptance. So it was like, oh, my kid has to go to this high school and it got to do X, Y and Z. And if they don't, if it doesn't appear that way, then people will think X, Y and Z and the kids just miserable, you know, failing in the whole none. And this is you know, definitely not elite people, these regular working class folks. I think, really for real, for real, when it gets down to the boxes that get that you get put in as a child, it really kind of boils down to what the value of the parents is and what the value of the household is, because a lot out of times that kid's gonna be the savior of the family, So it may not even be values or the value values value. Sometimes parents have a shared value, so that's just one and sometimes it's just one parents. Sometimes it's you know, like I said, for example, like in in this situation as a single mom, and I for some single mothers, and I would say even for something. I mean, I wasn't single, and I went through this too, Like if I was outside with my kids and their clothes were dirty, it would like bug me out, Like I would have a hard time with that, because I'm like, I got too many kids for anybody to be dirty, because people are gonna think there's too many kids for me to handle. Like that was my value system in my mind, you know. So that's why I say, like, it's about what's going on in the parents mind and what they think the presentation of their child says about them and about their family. So I mean, I think that happened across them. Okay, That's my point is I think that could happen in any situation, Like if great grandma losing or welfare and Graham I was in welfare and my mom is on welfare, what's wrong with welfare? Well, what happened to your grandma? I'm just joking, but I'm just I'm just saying that we come from Philly. Yeah, well, Asa, well, I guess you see how Philly people do, Like they just think everybody from Philly back, we claim everybody. I'll take it though. For real, there are a lot of people from Philadelphia my home home home, that have only been in South Philly and never tried or wanted to go to West Philly or any other part of the city for that matter, you know, unless they had to but other than that, the boxes are somewhat comfortable for them and they just want to stay in a place of comfort. There are so many categories of box is um. Doesn't it seem like it because it's a what Asians said, it's kind of like, so there's the parental box is um that you were just born into. What you're talking about, Jill, is your area because yes, that is are Yeah, that whole North Philly. I'm not going to South Philly and I damn you ain't going to DC or New York as far you know. And then on the flip side for us from being born and raised in DC, there's a lot of that elitism and you need to go to school, go do this, and go that, and then you establish your own little box once you establish what you think you are a kid going into you established your own box. But I think also to like when you become an adult and we start trying to like define who you are as a person as an adult in terms of like what you want out of life, it's very easy to build your own little box around yourself because it's your comfort space. You know, that place where you feel like this doesn't challenge you to do anything outside of your comfort zone, and you can create a box for yourself. My grandma, she was really particular. She was very brown, and she was really particular about what kind of boys I brought home. And I brought a beaututiful guy home one He was so smart and he was so cool, and he was really really brown. And I love the fact that he wore like lavender and pink and yellow because it just made his skin pop. I just thought he was really special, like the kind of guy that brought roses in North Philly, like this is this is He's a quality dude. We sit and talk about books like this dude is all right. And my grandmother was so disgusted. She did he can't come around here anymore, I said, Grandma, ain't doing nothing but sitting on the porch. She was like, I don't care. I don't want him around here. He too dark. He's too yeah, as dark as she was. He might have been a shade a half a shade darker than she was. But then there was a thing like, you know, I'm supposed to I can't go offside without my hair post. Stay away from that water plug, you know what I mean, Like I appreciated having clean clothes, and I love the fact that my mother would iron my clothes like my thrift or close. That she would take really good care of me. And I appreciated that, but it also caused a lot of troubles because I thought I was better than everybody else with a cold word on the streets, which was like, I'm in North Philly too, y'all. Damn, that's crazy too. I'm right here too. I cant in line to get the cheese. What you're talking about. I don't see that story. They just see when you get to school. That's just that's good. Well, people when they see love, love is a is a very beautiful thing. You can't hide that. You see love. Love is bright, love covers up out. I mean that's just you know, jealousy around the love aspects, how you were loved and cared for. But yeah, I had a grandmother who was like that too. My grandmother wasn't into my dad, who was very very dark skinned brother, and the same thing, you're too dark. But my mom and my aunt they always pushed back on that. But yeah, I mean, that's just old school colorism. You know, black folks feeling like, you know, and that they're just uncomfortable. But the root of it is the fear and wanting people to be okay, because the darker you are, the more vulnerable they think you may be. The lighter you are, the safer you maybe, or the more opportunities that you may get. And so that's that's that's just the fear of just trying to survive as black people, you know what I mean. But that's a whole another box. That's another box racial box. Oh yeah, black black box, black black black man. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, too, like to be radical when the women was like skinned to them, Oh that's a conversation that everybody can even have that one right there. But then also to those and the argument, but the argument would be that sometimes they felt they more felt more free in that way because you were had more certain freedoms than folks that were darker. I just got they. I mean, they definitely did. It's not it's not they diminished their real ends, but they definitely did have that access. And the men who were the organizations that they were a part of were definitely like led by some pretty serious patriarchal values. Like of course, the men who were involved. How about the beauty box. Okay, I have a girlfriend. She's not this way anymore. But for many, many years, her husband had never seen her without making ever, not during the dating process, not once they got married, not while they were married. He never saw her without her makeup because she had to, you know, hold herself to a certain aesthetic. Now, I guess that's you know, to each his or her own skin, poor skin. First get up mad early, just to make sure to make up. Was right before he woke up. H wowser's bless her dedication. That's you know, there is a certain appreciation for the level of dedication. However alone that that box right there is another one trying to hold onto whatever you know, society or what you might believe is beautiful or attractive. Like that's exhausted. The female box. The female box gotta look a certain way, gotta non sell you like to me this born and he was like, you know, we've been together three years. It's the first time I didn't know if he was truly black, this person. When I saw you pull out a curling iron and it's the second week I've seen you with a scar from your head, and I was like, you know, I just like to present the best is, you know, myself to you. But then even in that thought, as I was saying out out of my mouth, I was like, damn, like that's not that's not very feminist of you, you know, like woman is, woman is. But we fight that, don't we? We fight? Am I only one that has inner battles with what it's supposed with. You think it's supposed to be versus what you know? I mean, yeah, I definitely do. I think we talked about this before, like, um, you know, I have four girls, and I'm trying to raise my girls to think outside of this box for themselves. And it's all funning games till they walk out that front door with a booty shorts on and you'd be like, oh, nah, ma'am, ma'am, can I talk to you real quick? Um ma'am you know, and it's like, uh, that that whole thing that they want to push that back on you, Like, ma'am, you told me that my clothes to not to find who I was. You told me that this was not the box that I needed to be in, and I'm pushing back at it. But now you're telling me no, Like what does that mean, what are you saying? What are you really saying to me, ma'am? I mean, as a mom, it gets thrown right back in my lap. So I'm constantly pushed about my values and how I boxed in my own kids, and I'm trying to release them at the same time that I'm trying to come to terms with how how trapped I am, because it's like, you know, you can't you know, how can how can a prisoner free someone else? Right? But all of these prisons that we these prisoners are the boxes. I'm just saying, right, I need to hear some kind of gospel. Amen. Uh, I need some signifying in the background on that one, because that is a whole work. I'm no saying that, but my grandmama will go Amen, Amen, Amen, talking with the elders. But yeah, I mean, that's it's a whole it's a whole trip, because it's a whole trip trying not to box your kids because they're individuals, high they were born individuals. What you do is you attempt to guide them and assist them so less harm will come their way. That I think. I think that that's and then more positive growth will come their way. I think or what is positive? Everything? Ji? Yes, you have to. You have to. You cannot be alive without questioning the status quo? What is what is positive? Like my my greatest fear as a parent is I do not want to raise a poop putt. Come on, I don't want to know. I don't want come on vocabulary. We don't want to give us a definition what a po Yeah, a pool put lives in the basement at fort and needs to car. A poop putt has his baby mama come over and visit and spend the night. A poop putt has nice clothes but can't pay no people. You know, A poop put has a baby mama and also has another girlfriend that you know both of them. You as a parent, you know both of them. I don't like it. I never liked it. Yeah, I mean there's there's there's. I don't want to Derek, I ain't trying to convince you to do so, child Lord, I can't. I got too many kids to have pop You are on the road there not having a poop because he out the house. So maybe my son don't want no parts of this here, he don't want no parts of this life. I have this is a two thousand year old, you know, semi detached Victorian. Okay, it was never meant to have X amount of people and it, but it's a pretty large house. But once everybody got big, it was clear, oh yeah, he's trying to be out. But I do think that again, the healthy sense of yourself and knowing who you are and breaking out of your own stuff tends to help. Then your children see how to do that. Also, people who raise poop puts a lot of times they are very much a part of why that situation is the way that it is. They are allowing certain things to happen. They're not trusting that they've given their child what they need, so they consistently part of making sure they have everything rather than teaching them how to go get it for themselves. And then and then had a nerve to be upset about it. It's like, well, sis or brother or whomever, It's like, you have been a part of this. You know that this is why you set yourself Well, yeah, but a lot of it has to do not dealing with your own stuff, not dealing with your own stuff, and so much is motivated by that. So much is motivated by that. If you didn't have any food as a kid. There it is. I was just you don have any food as a kid. You might be that person that's always overstock in the refrigerator, and for you, you're responding to your own stuff. But what your kid sees, there's always an abundance here. Sometimes abundance isn't always a good thing. Sometimes people don't know how to be creative. People don't know how to appreciate having a lot if it's always plentiful. But then at the same time, to us all how you teach them. If you teach a child who has abundance how to use abundance, then they won't take it for granted. You know what I'm saying. But if you're always approaching it from the place of I'm so grateful that I have more, I'm so grateful that I have more, I'm afraid that I won't have more. All the time, it's always based in fear, it's always based in you know, anxiety. Then all of that is going to transfer to your kid. You have a kid that's has failure to launch because they have a lot of anxiety. They don't know what's out there in the world. The safe haven his home. I may not may not be able to find a comfortable place. I may not do well if I get out there. So I don't know just and that's the job. I think that that's the job of the parents to prepare your child like every other animal, every other man, or every other animal. You you you prepare your kid to fly off the limb. There you go. Here's how you hunt, you know, there's how you how's your bathe? This is how you swim, this is how you fly. Now go, good luck, I'm moving the nest. You probably won't find me. I mean, it's a little easier said than done because in terms of skills to make it out in the world. A lot of times as parents, and I know from my generation, we've done a lot of stuff for our kids. Our kids had lessons, these lessons and this thing and that thing, and and we wanted this for them. And I never had this opportunity. So I'm gonna make sure my kid has it too, and um forget to get to know the kids. You know, it's not always it's about opportunities. Sometimes it is just about those really basic in a personal skills about how do we talk to each other, how do we get to know one another because you know, the boxes exist because we allow certain things to define people and we don't who don't we're not interested in getting to know who they really are. Yeah, we want. It's very easy to go ahead and say, oh, you're the smart kid in the family perception and I'm gonna differentna take my perception and amen and make it the reality. And I'm comfortable with that. I don't have to ask any hard questions. I don't have to deep dive into my own bullshit. I remember when I came Nobody nowhere is that simple. There's so many sides to people. To a person, there's so many sides like and I like them. I like, I'm I'm for it. I am for being all of yourself. I'm for it and figuring it out as you go and finding out more about yourself, but allowing yourself to be yourself. Some people may be able to handle it, some people or may not. But everybody ain't for you, and you ain't for everybody. Choosing who you spend your time with, you know who people that get you, or being okay with being alone, if if you know, if it doesn't seem like anybody does you know that's that's a part of breaking those boxes, uh self acceptance, find out what it is that that gets you run around. Might be the person that vacations on your own, that that you know, kind of scary to be on the other side of a planet by yourself, but it's also invigorating and exciting and renewing and you find out so much about yourself. That's a that's a big one, you know, traveling on your own, whether you're you're getting out of North Philly, you know and going to the other side, just catching the long bus and figure out go because there there is always a tribe for you. There's always always with different percentages of your box. And you can be our member of multiple Yes, you could be a member of multiple tribes too. That is age of story. I'm a member of multiple tribes and I enjoyed them all. I enjoyed them. They have brought so much value to my life. But well, let me be clear, ladies, this is why I because you know Layah in particular, you know she she shocks me most of the time. You know, she shocks me most of She'll hit you with something that is so like just just thoughtful, like damn and then she'll say something so off the wall and all you could do is giggle and hold your pe. You know this is yeah. I like because like you will question you hard on what it is you said, but also be like but I mean, like, I respect you, but you you're gonna answer this. But also I'm also questioning because I'm trying to understand and be better as well. I don't know it all. You know what I'm saying, Who does it? It's curiosity, accountability, and respect. You have a good you have a good take on all three of those things. That's because we tried. We all do you have to have it. If we are to communicate, all three of us have those things? Do we not? Amen, We'll be right back. I feel like this last maybe fifteen years of my life, I feel like I have destroyed what is left of my box. It's still it's so sexy. I'm sorry, it's a little bit of it left. It is a little tiny bit of it left. But you know what's funny, Once you start breaking that joker down, it's like the foundation is messed up, and so it just really can't hold together for too much Logger anyway, it's really that first major like structural break. That's there's some fun aspects to your boxing your boxes though, too, asia Like, is it all like I'm trying to shed all these boxes or is it also to celebrate a little bit of it too, because there are I mean, not for nothing, I am earthy, but I also love the quarries and new kids on the black. You know what I'm saying. Like, but yeah, I am earthy, I did, I am so. I just feel like it's just more of of it's just woven together. I'd rather just a different visual for myself rather than box box just does feel really closter claustrophobic. Yes, it doesn't. There's nothing about that visual that feels like it's empowering. I know. I guess I gotta find a name for it. You right, Maybe put it in a tapestry if you will, happy tax cannot cannot be a whole. Cannot be a whole. Quote? You know, you can not be a quote. You know of different kinds of trooks and yes, shapes and patterns. I tell you, I tell you, I'm a woman. W h O woman? Okay, listen, strong and weak? Hi, powerful and come on at that? Come on? All of these things sometimes the boxes. Okay, you know the boxes are can be in our houses, but they can also be put on you by you know, society. Back to getting in a way, I remember saying live like listen just because you know, I've earned some incense and and and and know what, a couple of things about a couple of things doesn't mean that I'm all peaceful and not all the time, not all. But she's telling you you're listening because she's telling you she's not. You know, we got we got a shotgun in here, you know. You know, music is such a particular kind of thing that can make you feel claustrophobic because people just they want more of what you have always given them. More so in our line of work, I feel like than any other it's like whatever they get first, that's where you are forever. Like, have a good time right in there because I don't have Nah, don't do it. And it's okay because, like I said, if a Tina and I we started out really wanting to celebrate who we actually work, but we didn't. We wanted to do music about our actual life. And so in the beginning, yeah, I feel very happy with that original kind of presentation, but what happens is that people don't really like nuance. They don't like nuance outside of music. They don't like nuance as a rule. I was trying to think, who is who elected few to actually get to evolve in this music thing, Like I'm three thousand, he was allowed, but I don't know. You know, it's not a big population of people that get do a childish gambino. But he was always quirky, you know, from the from the beginning. You know, he's an actor and musician what's his name that plays the drums um? Well, that he still stays in It's still a stay. It's still a stay in air. I would be curious if you really went somewhere somewhere else, yet somewhere way way else, with people be like, well, I mean Kanye te Kanye Tyler. Yet he's gone way other places musically than he did. I mean, he got critiqued. I was just about said, we said no women because we don't get to do stuff like that. I've tried, and from times it has been to my detriment, But I try anyway, because I just don't like the idea of Macy Grey actually shout out to Macy. She was like, I thought you were perfect, and I was inted that statement. What made you think that that was a slightly shitty thing to say? I made respect to her, but that was fancy. That's my girl. But I just was like, well, what would make you think that? I've never tried. My second album is called Beautifully Human. I am a human being. Okay, so yep, I posted me being drunk. I thought it was her hilarious. I'm not a fan of being drunk. It's not my thing. However, my friend FUFI put some other kind of brown liquor in my grandma yea, my I can handle two drinks. I know myself. I can handle to drinks. But the first one was grand monya. The second one he added something else in there because he wanted me to stay at the party. The next thing I know, my head is women and I was like, uh, like that. I thought it was huh hilarious that I was drunk. I thought it was so funny. The world was like, say, she's an alcoholic. I told and that was like, I for the first time somebody dragged me on the internet for cussing you're someone's mother? Was I cuss all these kids? Out, all six of my cuss all these things, I mean, all these kids out, So I just I don't know, man, I but I just feel free because it's like I just can't. Don't it changed. I don't want to change. If I feel goofy, then I'm goofy. If I feel happy and excited, then I'm gonna go ahead and smile on you all. I feel like you can't handle it, you don't like it. I don't know what to tell you. If I feel like crying, I'm gonna go ahead and do it. A why she crying? I remember being at one of those Moors shows and Patti LaBelle was on stage, and I think Stevie Wonders on stage, and they were passing the microphone around and all I could do was cry. I could not stop crying. I was like, nobody is in here with me. That is like my favorite freeze that I'm normally inside myself, all by myself and nobody else. Could you know? I could probably express it to someone what what I'm feeling right now, But I'm from North Philly, baby, man, I want to cry. As a as a public person, I think people actually do connect with you more when you reject the box when you're just like when you just started acting like a normal person and not acting like a normal person, but allowing people to see you know who you are. I just love that relationship of folks so much better. And I've had people come up to me and say, oh, you're You're so different than I thought that you were. Blad. I'm like, says like, it's so regular. I said this all the time, Like me, I'm regular to a fault. It's like, it's so regular, it's so regular. Says yeah, maybe having you on the where would I be if I didn't know you? Pedestal? You think I just I ascend from the motherfucking ceiling every morning. Honey, pregnant and well little wow, way to be pregnant and well lit? Where was I, um? Chapter in your book? I was a good well? I was a good will? U. Yeah, of course, dear um, I I was a good will And try to make that a regular trip. Because the quality of clothing, you know, to me, I like fabrics. I like quality and the stuff that's being sold. You know, they want to arm in the leg for something that I'm gonna work. Specifically, my kid is going to grow out of in new time at all. So I find the stuff that I like and I can add a patch to it, I can put some pain on it. I can put it in the washing machine and bleach it. He doesn't care right now, So why shouldn't I save money? So the lady said, what are you doing in the good? Well? I said, what are you doing in the good? The same thing you're doing in the good work, the same thing you're doing and will not stop. I don't care what happens. I enjoy my time. I love thrift stores. That doesn't for me. Consignment shops, thrift stores, those things keep me together. That's one of my boxes because signment stores. Oh day, thank you California. It's one of the pros of living out in this bitch. Yeah that work. And ps for all the people who do like that smissive ship you know you do, go do a consignment thread route. You can ensure nobody will be wearing your outfits. Hi. Hi, Okay, So I would like for us to all talk about like a couple of things that people that's in our box that people don't know is in there. Okay from me, it is. And if you have listening to this podcast, you probably have already figured it out. I have an absolute party mouth. Oh alright, well I think it's a tie. But all right too, Yeah, we all have pty mouth. I like all the words as a writer. I like all of them, and if they fit, they fit. I don't have you know, you make them all equally, Jill. I like them if they fit, Okay, Yeah, I like three fo five six syllable words. If if they fit, if it makes sense, I like fuck you. If it makes sense, you know, if that's what it is is, then that's what it is. My grandmother's favorite cussword was fucked, and I used to think it wasn't mine. But I feel as I've gotten older that that that one is going. Yeah yeah, my mom was already a shit. I don't recall ever hearing my mother or grandmother curse. My mother will throw out of a nigga every now and then, but it's a nigga when she's talking about a cuss word. That's funny, isn't that. Yeah? Yeah, I mean my mother. My mother didn't really cuss. But my mom wasn't really a cussord, but when she was mad, I know, this is not nothing compared to what would come out my mouth. But my mother said damn or goddamn. It was like, oh wait, somebody that really got her funked up because she was up. If she said god damn, I was like, wait, wait, who dare as you put battling? Yes? Oh oh man, my sister rockets. Honey, I'm trying to tell you my mother is the most docile, chilled person that raised two rack its individuals like that always cracks me up. That she was so chilled and me and my sister are so wild. You loved her so much, this is this is my psychological moment, psychological moment, come on board. Wait, I had to let go of that voice. They get stuck sometimes. Anyway, you loved your mother so much that you felt like you had to protect her subconsciously, so you became strong and prepared to kick ass for her benefit if necessary at any time, and for each other's benefit too. Hey man, that's the truth. This is absolute truth. Was right you are of my actually write about this in my book. I actually write about this in my little in my in my book, I talked about that that very exact thing nice, that my mother was very much a kind person, and we definitely felt like she needed protection. I think all kind people need protection. I think that most of the time at that box of kindness, people take you as as weak and they try to to harm you, hurt you, so you won't be so nice. I'm going to tell you right now, I prefer it. I prefer to be kind. I prefer to be nice. It feels good. I'm selfish that way. It feels so good to me to be good to other people. It feels good. Yeah. I don't like being nasty. I don't I don't like being sarcastic. I don't like having ugly words go back and forth with another person because it doesn't feel good to me later late at the moment, it might be all right, but later I'm like I could handle that better. Uh. You know, I see where ugliness went and it wasn't beneficial. It wasn't helpful. It wasn't helpful. Yeah, I'm a serial apologizer. I generally like peace. I like peace with people. But I will say that though I am very I'm generally a kind person. Most people you know, I always say, take a survey. Look, take a survey of the people who know me. You already know what it is. I'm gonna let it ride. Pick anything people who know me, but one thing that those same time, But there must be a would say to test for the knowing of Asia, because not everybody that talks to you on a regular knows who Asia is. The same tim people if they know me know me. They're also gonna say that the kind part is always cool, but when it's done, it's bad. I just tell you that I just got really scared because I just remember that age one on the same day as my mother, and that is her fucking truth. That is y'all. Libra asked box. It's good as long as it's balanced, but child, don't take it that long ago. When it goes bad, it goes real. Literally, just got scared. I thought my mother was coming around. It's Korema happy today. Okay, good, more real talk after the break. Okay, this box that that you may not know, uh that I fitted let me see. Well, let's see. I grew up. I won't say I grew up, but I had some time in domestic violence. M h um. It wasn't me personally, but it was my my mother and I saw it and God bless her, God bless her. She got us out of there and never looked back. My absolute hero. But because of that, when I tended to hurt people really badly physically, when they did something to hurt me or tried to hurt me, hurt my feelings, hurt my little spirit. I tended to do really really ugly things. And my goal, my I'm laughing because it's uncomfortable, No, do your thing. This is same. My goal has been to not be that guy. I don't want to hurt anyone if I can help it, and I can help it, So if somebody gets physically harmed by me, that you have to know that they've really really pushed the envelope because very early on, I really eyes that I was going to go to somebody's prison because I was I go to Mamie. There are there are several people in this world early on became physically changed forever because of being cruel to me or being mean to me. That's not You're not alone Trama listen response to trauma girl. Listen. We talked about my mom. Two seconds ago my mother died. Everybody just I assumed I would just be sad. It was like, oh, I'm gonna be sad. I know I'm gonna be sad. Nobody told me I was gonna be angry. Nobody told me that I was gonna have a fuse that was barely visible. Like my few, My fuse were so short that it was impossible to know that what you were going to say to trigger me. I was very much like on go for six months or more, and so I people don't talk about a response to trauma being one that's aggressive. Everybody thinks of response to trauma is so I'm sad, I'm depressed. What You're that too? Sometimes sometimes you're both. But I think we should normalize having conversations about how you respond to it in a in a way that's very aggressive, because I experienced that too and it definitely did not go with people's general perception of me. So again the box that I'm typically in, it really messed with people to see me be aggressive, angry, short. It wasn't on brain for me as a person. You know what I mean, and I trauma. We'll do it every time. That is a vocab word. I'm grateful every day that has become used more in everyday conversation. It's very new, but I'm excited about it. I'm so excited about it because that's to me all what you're talking about too. It kind of falls into that black box of things and the way we deal with things, the way we handle things, and it's a historical things. So yeah, I need you all to know that I had stabbed somebody multiple times by the time I was six. Damn girl, who a grown person or my person, my cousin. I stabbed him with a hot mustard fork. What are you doing? What the fund is? What did he do? Though? What did he do? We were outside my mom at one of those those pools, those blue pools that you put water and you know, the backyard pool for the hood. Uh, And my mom made some of those pretzels that you put in the oven. And my cousin had gone in and he had one, he had two, he had three, he had he had all mostly all of them. But when I came in the kitchen there was one left. I was really young, maybe maybe about five, And I got on the chair on the stool, and I got the spicy mustard and I put it on my friends so and I was saying into it, no, no, my let's on me so good, and he snatched my pretzel and I said, hey, that's not fair. You had all of them, don't take my prenzel. He was like, ah ha, I got your pretzel. I don't care that. The and next thing I knew, I had grabbed his hand with and took off. That's what I'm talking about. It's it's like this and then end up in the third grade. You was a kid who had just don't and I'm not trying to have witness violence, and and it's like that makes a big fucking impression on people. It does, honestly, and honestly any kind of you know, when you crossed me in a way that I just did not think was fair, it ended up in a violence in a way that I was pretty clear. If I don't get out of this, I'm going to jail. Because when I fight, even now, like with my trainer, when I fight, I tend to see where I can do the most damage, and that's where I go for first. I'm not I don't have a lot of time to be sitting going sparring with you. I don't have to. So it feels a filly girl to them. Sorry, some of this says, I'm sorry. It is really protect your neck, you know, and I just never I just didn't want to end up in anybody's prison, and I didn't want to go too far. So I try my best to do whatever I can not to do harm. I don't want to harm anybody, and I forgive in a rate that is stupid. I'm like, you're stupid. Stop forgiving these motherfucker's shoot him in the neck. It's like, you gotta find you your gray area. We gotta find you. That is the work. That is the work. I just don't want to go to nobody's prison. I don't even want to visit. I've but that will be in my book. It's like that will be in my book. I'll go nobody's prison. I didn't visited too many. You already know if Jill's goott come to prison, they're gonna look at my butt. You already know. You already know they're going to look at my butt. It's horrible. This might be kind of not the best thing in the world, but I think it's a good idea to be a person who's actually experienced violence in that way and pull back from it than a person who never has, because I I just think that sometimes we don't understand or keep yourselves for that reason. She's right. I have a short used for that reason. Yes, when I lose myself because I haven't been Yes, yeah, when you don't know, like your actual ability, she could get real ugly. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. Almost push my uncle down steps. Just don't. I don't think that boxing and kickboxing has has been beneficial in that way. I know what I can do, and that's the problem. Why you don't put some yoga in there with the balance. I think you're right. I think you're right trying to zen out. I do like yoga. I do like it. Just trying to balance that bitch because I don't like that lady. I don't like. I don't know her. She scared me. I want to and this. She ain't got a name yet. I don't. I don't. I won't name her, but I mean, I guess I should. I know who I'm dealing with, but I don't. I don't like that. I don't. She's dangerous. She's very dangerous. Oh yeah, you can't be naming ship. Your name should give it power. Don't do that. He got pec party. But but wait, wait, wait, wait, if we we have to name trauma in order to move through it, right, I know that's trauma. I'm just saying I don't know if you have the name, trying to just acknowledge what it is. I mean, all I can say is you have to kind of accept all parts of yourself. This is my opinion obviously, because I don't know, But you have to accept all parts of yourself, you know what I mean. And that's important. So suppressing a part of yourself because sometimes, you know, keep you from really understanding it because you're doing so much work trying to keep it out of the conversation. So really exploring that part of yourself and what that means, and my opinion is important. Is it violence, sexuality, all of those things. It's just like everybody gotta be a whole a little bit because you gotta figure out like what this means for you or you're always gonna be holding it inside trying to figure out well and think about what is your relationship to that. Why am I afraid of my sexuality? Why am I afraid of the violence and me? Why am I afraid of that? What does it mean to me? What does me being violent? Meaning violence can sometimes be an actual means to an end, you know what I'm saying. So it just depends on how your relationship to the violence, your relationship to the sexuality, your relationship to the kindness, your relationships and those kinds of things. So I just that's kind of what I mean where it's like, don't name it as a thing outside of yourself. It's a part of myself. It's a part of yourself, and you have to get to know that part of yourself so that you can do with it what you choose. But this is why my compassion level is so high for us, because I just I know that we're always handling and juggling. We're juggling so many different life experiences, so many interactions, so many things, and it's hard to not as hard to it's impossible to know how that's going to affect another person, how that's going to show up in their personality. And um, the more that we give people room to feel all of their feelings, the less likely they will to allow other things to define them. They can actually be the master of their own fate and define themselves for themselves. You know, I mean, I just can't. I can't be a party to it. Anymore, at least not knowingly well Asian, you put me onto that because we're in this era now where it's about protecting our culture and and what people think about us. And so we didn't talk about certain things, and we guarded certain things, and we have we put each other in boxes and this is what you need to do. But those days are over. It goes back to the beginning of this whole conversation and how we got started about how these boxes are breaking down. We questioned and everything, what what is black? What what is funny? What is mature? What is like? As we should? As we should, we should have questioned it because it does it's more good to break away from it than it does to to continue the way we've always been going. It's like you know, and and most of the things that we believe are based in anti blackness. M I know, y'all. Don't let this whole hour go by A K A Asia? What is that? A K? A white supremacy? Thank you? Yes, man? What's in that box? And nobody knows about blackness? No? Oh, that nobody knows about what? I don't know. I think mineus might be a little simple. I think what's in my box and nobody knows about is Uh. Sadness, that's that's that's probably I like that every day, just on and and sadness based on a lot of the things that we're talking about, as far as tradition and perception of what life is supposed to be and knowing that that's not the direction that Mone went in or is going in, and uh being open. It goes back to the same conversations being open to change and getting out of this box in my head of what life is supposed to look like, even though I've been wanting it to look like that of my whole life. In prayer, I say, and I mean it, your will, your way. That gives me a lot of consolation and peace, Your will, your way. I don't need to be like anybody else. I don't need to act like anybody else. I don't need to subscribe to whatever it is that they've picked up and decided that this is right or wrong. What I need to do is allow myself to be myself and allow others to be who they are. You'll find your tribe, you'll find your way, You'll find your people. That's just the way life goes. We thank you so much for listening to us. We thank you so much for having a conversation about this with your friends too. Appreciate peace. How do you eat an Elephant? One tie? Hey, y'all, it's Eaves again, a producer on the show, and per usual, I'm here to bring you the resource for the episode. This time it's a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar called We Wear the Mask. Like this episode, it also touches on themes of hiding, pretending, and survival. It's a great companion to today's conversation about the boxes that others put us in and that we put ourselves in. I'll drop a link to the poem in the description, and I'll also add a link to more info on Dunbar himself. Until next week. Hi, if you have comments on something he said in this uppisode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six for three nine, five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il the podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair, and Aga Graden Danceller. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Laya st Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. What is that chicken sandwich? Energy for your chicken sandwich? Yeah? I remember when everybody was in line for the fucking sandwich? Life were ye? Did y'all eat the sandwich? I've never had. I never did either? You actually have? And how was it? Why act like it is still for sale? It's amazing, It's amazing. J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.