Boundaries Are Your Friend

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot. In a production of My Heart Piece and Love Y'all, Jill Scott presents Jake dot Ill with my sister friends Age and and I'm Jill Scott. The intention is to talk about the relationships between black women and I know what the media says clearly, you know that there's always some kind of underlying can't wait to pop off, somebody's got an attitude. I did an interview and the journalists was like, we all really love versus so much because we actually could see and hear you thinking the two of you and being graceful towards each other, and like out here in these streets, we don't know that anymore. We don't really experience that. Sa if that's so unfortunate, He's like, well that, you know, it was just a reminder about being graceful with each other because black women don't like each other. It's like, yeah, well, okay, that probably does. But see that probably also comes from the whole and we're just coming out of that the reality TV culture. So there was a little bit of time where that was being pressed absolutely like you know, propaganda obviously, but but playing on the disagreements in the ways that things can get escalated with with people, but then inserting black women into that scenario and then deciding that that's the way that we that we communicate. But that was a black journalist that you were speaking with you and continuously inserting us in that scenario. But that's because the black people we still step out of the TV. Like if a white person would have said that to you, that's one thing, but like your everyday life, that's really how you feel that black women don't get a long Yeah, it's I mean, I'm not saying that I feel that way obviously, but I know that's a real thing that black women do not get along. People believe it. Why because it's regurgitated over and over and over again anytime you see a television show, especially reality TV, and people believe that. So it's like it's the same thing. If you don't live in this country and all you see is McDonald's commercials for America, you're going to naturally assume that McDonald's is America. You know, that's what Americans do. They go to McDonald's, They eat hamburgers, they eat French fries. What else do you know? But I want to be clear, Black women don't get along, but not anymore so than any other human beings don't get along. Bottom line is that, yeah, there are some Black women that don't get along, but it's not like anything amongst us as women that we just don't get along. And in fact that we have just such a long history of survival that's all bit and actually hooked into and tied into. Our actual survival is based on our being able to get along, in our ability to have strong, meaningful and way below the surface relationships. I hate that it's like that. I hate that. I hated in my core being because I feel like the people I have the most empathy for in space, for our black women. Yeah, it's just interesting because not for nothing. Just on the side note, and I know y'all don't watch these menial things, but it was a conversation that came up on the Housewives of Potomac because for the first time there was a real fight, right, and so one of the women, she's like a commentator, professor or Johns Hopkins, and she kept saying, like, you know, this is just not a good look for Black women, Like I don't want to be a part of this, Like I don't want to be on the show Where Black when she said it so much to the point where it was just like, Okay, damn, girl, this is really on the backs of us like that, like we really have to think. And it's funny because I in my black my mind, I started thinking, damn, do we really have to consider this this many times? Like you said it once, reiterated, and you kind of reinstated that thought, reiterated that it would be clear right. I think that there has to be some room for black women to be angry on television and be angry with one another on television. It just should not necessarily be the only thing that we get to see about black women. It shouldn't be something that's sensationalized and exploited. And that's totally different, you know what I mean, because the reasons why black women different in the way that they think that's an important thing to explore, because our relationships with each other are complex and they do have a lot of layers, and many times when you start breaking it down and you start really getting to the bones of it, what comes up, y'all already know why is supremacy and be in there. And so as far as I'm concerning in order to really fight that particular evil, we have to be able to step out of the respectability space. Oh, we gotta make sure that we all getting along, so people don't think black women is mean. Black women are mean and nice and lovely and angry and violent and sweet and nurturing and how other ship don't you think people learned? It's funny you realize how much they don't know about a black women when you watch the Kamala debate, and nobody could decode those spaces but black people and all of that, all those masks that she had to put on, and that beautiful smile, which really the same she just I want to I'm gonna go ahead and quote a Kindrey song for the first time since we just started. I say, you're saying at a song called we Speak with Now, and that right there is exactly how black people are. There's a huge part of blackness that involves non verbal and so we have a particular way that we speak into nation. Words have multiple meanings. I look the way you telt your head, the way you might say any of those things, grunts, all types of stuff we have that we do in order to make a thing be a thing. I need you to understand that I have been best friends with one person my entire life. Kim and I have never even had an argument, not once for what for what? She understands me. She's known me before I've had tips, you know, she knew me before I had a cycle. She knew me. She's known me. But have y'all cut faces? My question is, I know you guys haven't argue. But is that because also you speak a different language, you don't have to argue. There's a look, there's a sound with you and Kim as well, like not even an instance of shape, not one not It's not necessary. She knows me, I know her. That's that I know her heart. While me and my best friend have had some difficult conversations, not necessarily arguments, but we both have been able to be like bitch, no, like, that's not it. And I think that that's an important aspect of our freshman and and and much like you, I've had the same best friends since birth. Our mothers were actually friends since junior high school. And we're only a year apart almost, we're almost exactly a year apart, actually, And so she and I been friends since babies like we've played together, go up together. But yeah, I mean we've had to have those conversations. I mean later on there's the the understanding, right, So she'll say to me, oh, I know when you ain't feeling something I'm doing or something that I said, and I'd be like, yeah, you already know what it is, like I love you but not you know, so I don't know. I mean, I think it's to each his own. But it's important again to state that black women in their relationships are layered, are complex, are to be. We are, indeed we are. It has to be. You know, Kim and I honestly we have never had an argument. And as far as disagreements, she's so strong and who she is, she doesn't really I won't say she doesn't care about my opinion, but she's gonna do what she wants to do how she wants to do it. And why am I here. I'm here to support that. As long as you have be babe, nothing else matters to me. You're good, I'm good. I tell her, I'm like, I love your children, but fuck them if they want to add crazy, I'm here for you, right. Yeah, hey man, that is one thing about your girlfriends. Your women friends are the people who don't care about nobody else. They like they are rapping, rapping you fully in the real fully, And for me, that's so important. That's so important for a person who's the center of so many people's lives. So you're the center of your kid's life, You're the center of your husband's life, and then at some point you become the center of your parents life because they get to a certain agent that has to happen or you can just never leave. Sorry, that was my two centers. Always to center, go ahead, amen, But to have your girlfriend's remind you that you you should be centered in that and they're the first people to remind you. Those are the women will let you know. Ain't no, no no, no, wait man, you ain't even talked about yourself yet. M m you you have you eaten? How do I mean? What's going on with you? Right? But but that also ends up being the ways in which you have to eventually think about all your relationships, because some relationships can be draining, and the desire to be there for the women in your life in particular, who are holding a lot of the same weight that you're holding, and how that affects you as a person. I learned that about myself. I'm so sorry to catch our police forgiven. Oh yeah, I just recently learned that about myself. I don't do well with needy people. I don't do well with people that require my insight on every single thing that they do, in every which way that they do it. I just I find that to be a burden. I got my own ship, and if you need me, actually need me, I'm here for But if it's it's the menial things, if it's something that you know what you know, you already know right for, you laid out all of the scenarios and all of the things that are troubling you or you already d no. So now what you're gonna do. You're going you're gonna marry this dude. I'm with you. You're gonna be with a woman like whatever it is, because I love you, Because I love you. So as long as you're all together, we're good. But as soon as something pop off and these things are left, I'm on your team. I'm on your team forever and empty you and ever, and there's not there's not a lot of that, you know, you get Lord, I think I have two two and and a couple of dude amazing friends like that that have just been my whole life. You know, that's about it. And then and then there's there's good friends. There's good friends that serve I guess awesome purpose. Some friends are there there to make you laugh and and they can't even help themselves. That's who they are. They're some friends that you know will allow you to cry because you need to, and they don't judge it, and they don't they don't pull a conversation. Different friends for different things. And yeah, you know, I think that that's that's real though, because you can't get everything. But that even goes into relationships period, even in your marriage or even in your your romantic relationship. You'll never get every single thing from one person, no matter what, because you're not everything to someone else. So it's important to or do you want to be? No, man, No, I do not. I don't want to be that's too much. Yeah, ain't be everything. Although I am everything, I can't be your everything. I can remind everything that has any of your friends ever said? Do you that you need to be a better friend? I'm just curious. Yes, yes, I lost a whole friend, like a whole friend. We still ain't friends. I lost a whole friend because of that. I still ain't called him back. I'm like, no, I tried. I actually did. I tried to reconnect with this person. But this is years ago, girl, child, this is the time I got married. But I'm saying that I tried to reconnect with this person and I still I think they were still hurt. But I want I want them to know, and I want you all to know that I forgive me. I'm done. Hey man, I'm working on it, but I'm gonna call him first. The guilt is real. My girlfriend and I very close to me. I love her deeply and dearly, and we just take breaks. We take for five months, six months at a time. Because she didn't say it's up now, I didn't say it's something. We're just rubbing each other the wrong way. But I know her and I love her, and today might not be our time. Hey, I'll be back. I can't have a life without you, babe, like you you're you're my girl. So right now, while you figured this out, and while I figured this out, we just need the part ways because we just need ways. Well, I don't know if I've ever done it so intentionally, but I do. I have experienced that before where it's just like, Okay, a little bit of room is needed, let's have it, and then you know, you come back together and it's like, okay, cool, like that was nice. I missed you, you know, I really did. But I think also too, we had this moment where there were words that needed to be said, like difficult things, you know, and I think sometimes it's harder to work up the nerve to say some of those things with someone you love so much. And I appreciated us incorporating that grace with each other where it was like, yeah, we're talking, but we know that this is hard, so some of it is just unspoken. It's like, Okay, I know you're here because you're sorry, and you know I'm here because I'm sorry. I love you, and we don't have to get into the particulars of the particulars of the particulars. Well, it's also to understanding that some of my friends have an understanding my life is interesting. I feel like I've been hustling for a while. So because I've been on my hustle, because I just got off somebody's couch two years ago. I haven't. You are always be able to catch up with people. So you have this, you know some certain friends who understand your life now and it's like, girl, whenever you can call, I'm here. I love you. But then I have to realize that I got a couple of other friends that are like, where were you right? And I have to explain I'm like, what you do know that when the ship hits the fan, I'm the friend that's there, Like if something happens to you, I'm on a plane. So I need you to kind of understand that how my my love is my love, you know what I mean. And so that's regardless of how much I'm calling or whatever the case, because you don't know what's really going going on. Yeah. But see, because of the job that I have, I found myself dealing with that where it's like I can't be at everybody's with it. I can't be at everybody's birthday, can be X, Y and Z because of my job, you know, and that whole thing there. It's like if my kids have to deal with that I can't be at every recital, then why can't Then why can't you? And it's like you know that whole back and forth with you're not there enough for me. That's what I've been That's what I've been getting and understanding that we just had to hold to our conversation this week. But I can't do that every day or every week, like you're gonna have to handle that thing that we've discussed at length. You now have to handle that, And I get I don't. I'm not doing well with saying the same thing over and over and over again, and you're repeating it back to me as if you understand it and you think the same thing that I'm thinking. At that point, it's like, you know, we're supposed to bump fist and like go forth, but next week we're right back at it again. It's so true. How many times we gonna playing like you you got an issue, I'm helping you plan it out. We didn't met the whole thing out, and it's like, go go, So why are we gotta? Why are we? Why are we back? I will have to say this now I have the very best crew, because these are things that they don't want understand now. The same challenges that I had ten years ago, I don't think I have them as much. Now you know what I mean. Now I'm thinking this coul I got now that's been around me for a very long time. That gets the whole scenario. I have to keep on saying, blah blah blah blah blah. They playing stuff in there like that. This means that agent we won't confirm her till thirty is out. We already know we're still gonna playing. But we already know. Boo, if you're not there, you the in spirit, we love you. But I do think that takes time. That does take time. It takes that's that's and and and it also comes from communicating because I think sometimes people do this what you guys are saying and what we've all said, they do these things to us, and we're so drained emotionally from the exchange that we don't tell them. He since this is problematic. I don't have it. I can't do it today. I had to learn to tell my own children, I don't have this for you today. And again, if I can tell my own kids, I don't have this for you today, and they understand, Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back. I had a girlfriend tell me one time she said, has anybody ever told you you were inconsiderate? Who? It was such a punch in a chest because I I think that I'm being considerate of others. But I had to sit back and look at that and go, oh, snap, that was pretty inconsiderate. And I'm gonna have to adjust my thinking because I know her and I trust her and she has been a beaming light in my life. So why would she lie to me? And why would she try to harm me? Come on, come on, there's a thing. This is how you know? It did thing? It did sting, and I had to reevaluate myself. That's a good friendship. That's a good friendship. If Kim can I say this too? And this is something I struggled with is sometimes I would have these situations with my friends where it would be draining different things than them, depending on me and for just my energy and insight whatever it is was going on with me. But there was a part of me that was allowing it to happen because I loved feeling needed, and so I was perpetuating the situation and then talking, oh I'm so tired or everybody needs me, when it was like, oh, no, bitch, but you keep answering your phone because there's a part of you that feels validated. And I had to think about that. Like I would give someone advice and they said, oh girl, that was good advice. I'd be like, I am, look at me. Next time you need me calling up girl, I'll be here for you. Right. It's a hero complex bullshit. That was just too much and I was really hurting myself, you know, so what that somebody told me? And I had to feel the sting I found out this thing, just kind of coming to terms with the part I was playing in the situation like click when you wake up and you realize then you're dealing with stuff that's not in your house more than you're dealing with your own house. I will run across this room when you're dealing with everybody else's stuff and not maintaining your own. It's like they have this game called The Sims. I don't know if you'll remember that, but I was. I was a junkie for The Sims. I love that game. And I would play The Sims and my little characters would meet somebody and I would build the house and get their furniture and they had to have a job, and they had to pay the bills or the people will come and take that stuff away. It was a game. And then I woke up one day and realized. I was like, girl, you got dishes in the sink, Like, what are you doing. Sim's house immaculate, right, Sim's houses running. She gets enough rest. You know, my little characters got a new outfit on my character, you know, hanging out with friends because they need social activity, you know what I'm saying. But I, on the other hand, having walked alone making it, I haven't washed my ass into that because I'm dealing with this, with this that is it's not our friendship. Stuff you know isn't inconsequential to us, But it doesn't hold the same level of consequence as me having some old, dirty dishes in my sink and possibly bringing in the thing that I don't want the most mass pro chest. I don't want them. I don't want them. I don't who would want that. I'm just saying that, Hey, we are focusing on somebody else's life so much, we're not dealing with the ship. And that's how you know that you're not servicing yourself at all. And and that's the evolution of understanding friendship and connection with the women in your life. Because when I was a kid, my life was my mother had great girlfriends. They were our family. When I took my husband home to me my family, he like, um, excoose me um. How many aunts do you have? I'm like, I have nine thousand. I have eighty aunts, okay. And so my mother always has such a great friend group when these women helped to raise us because they were mostly single mothers themselves, so she had built a community. So the way I looked at women friends growing up was that these people are in essence my responsibility as I'm theirs. So how I looked that friendship with so much more about family, and I had to take the good parts of that and then spit out the parts that were sort of toxic in the way that we kind of just because somebody present into thing doesn't mean that that's how we didn't take it, you know what I mean. But as I got older, I started to understand some key differences in the way that my mother functioned in her friendships. My mother would play the lottery and she will win. She wanted a lottery a lot Actually, my mother will win a lottery a lot, you know, not a lot of money, five hundred dollars dollars, that kind of thing, and she would bring a little cash home. She count the cash out, she put a little bit to the side. Then she go to the drug store and get cards, and so then she count out three little stacks of the rest of the money. She would figure out which if her girlfriends were in the worst situation, whether they wasn't working or something was going on their life, and she would take the rest of her lottery money and put it into the cards and then send them in the mail to her friends, and they wouldn't know that money was coming, you know. But I've seen my mother do this multiple times, and so in my mind that is how I thought, you know, friendship was supposed to be, which it is. But again, they had this system based on necessity and need for family and support. And there was one important thing that wasn't there. And not that we were at lack, but there wasn't any men. These were single mothers. So when they got us together to go to the beach, we all went to the beach. When we went camping, we all went camping. And as I got older, my girlfriends, and now we got married, we had kids, we had separate families, so our lives were a little bit more isolated, and so it didn't function in that same way. So I kept trying to function like my mom and them did, and it just was a different scenario. So we had to find our own way. So I say all that to say, you have to kind of figure out what works for you and how you can take what you learned about friendship and what you observed about friendship and see how that works in the system of your own life. Sorry, and that was a long story, but no, it's the truth. So here's the thing, and went friendships. I'm gonna need my friends. And I'm just saying if I were building friendships right now, I'm gonna need my friends to give me the benefit of the doubt. It drives me crazy when any friend of mine assumes the worst about me, that bothers me. That means that we're not really friends, That means that you don't know me very well, Like, could you ask first before you assume the absolute worst? Could you talk to me first? I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I feel like most real friends would though that's my point. Friends would be like, girl, did you And when people believe the negative before they talk to me, that means that we're not friends. When you have a yeah, you have this added ship, you know what I mean? What makes it so much hard to navigate your your friendships and your association call it what it is, you know, right from both yeah and so yeah, I mean that that's it's crazy, you know what I mean. You might not talk to somebody for for six months to a year or something like that. They hear some dumb ship, they're like, wait a minute, let me call you, and fine, No, that's what it's. That's the way that's that's the way that that happens, you know what I mean. And also too they'd be like, look at this ship or here they shouldn't be like think about that, but that ship. Best believe Jill. Yeah I did not picked up. Yeah, I did not picked up a lot of times for that same reason. Thanks Like, no, that don't sound like Jill or somebody just believes anything. That just means you're not a friend of mine too, Like I saw, for instance, on on social media, not that these people were friends of Chadwicks Chadwick Brozeman. I saw that, you know, when he lost a lot of weight, people were really going in and saying things like, oh, yeah, you know he's on that Hollywood, or vegan ain't for everybody, or you know that cocaine hit different, or you know. I saw a lot of negativity. And Chad and I we got really really really cool during our time together, and he always made it a point to look out for me whenever, and I always, you know, honestly, really really appreciated that. So it was only right for me to reach out for him or reach out to him. But I just wished him lighting love. I didn't ask him anything because I felt like if he wanted me to know something, he would tell me. So his response to me sending him love periodically was thank you for being a friend that doesn't need explanations all and and that's that's what I'm talking about. That's genuine friendship. Some are really really deep and you know everything about a person. Some are deep and you know, you just know their spirit, you know their energy, you know that you know. And some are fickle as fucked and need to be placed in a safe space or not had at all, and at this point in my life. You know, at this age, I'm like, ah, I have no friends, but I don't have a lot of patients. For that, I don't even want to meet anybody new. Should I wish I could forget some of the people I knew before, but they're they dissipated out of my life perfectly, divinely. Yeah, I've met some amazing people in the past five years or maybe maybe more like maybe six seven, So I definitely understand the fact of having like a really strong group and sticking with that. But also to you know, how you evolved in a lot of ways, not everywhere because you're gonna do it bs either way. Sometimes how you evolved a lot of times does begin to attract certain people who are right in line in alignment. And I'm so happy with some of the women have come into my life in recent years who have brought something so special to my space that now I don't see my life without them And I didn't have what they had to offer before they came along. And so I have really had some fabulous interactions like that here in the past five six years, and um, I am so grateful for that. But I think a lot of it has to do with how I have evolved and the things that I've you know, worked on it myself. I was gonna say, that's that's funny you say that, Asia, because on that note, Jill like not for nothing, I would say. Seven years ago, I was introduced to a girl via a mutual friend who was his cousin, and we didn't meet for a couple of years. Fast forward, I moved to l A. The person that I'm staying with is moving back to Philly, and this girl named Kadija, who barely knew me. We just knew each other from email and a couple of times from years before, said to me, you want to stay at my house? And so fast forward I lived on her couch for two years and this girl is literally like she's she's the best friend to me now, And not just for that reason, but also because this girl had been in film for fifteen years from Philly and lived in Hollywood and understood the language, and just she was my try. I had no idea that I can meet somebody who was my tribe. And thank you God, thank you God for Kadija. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm thank you for Conthegian. I'm open um. I'm open to people who are on my trial. I'm absolutely open to it. But it does make things a lot more challenging for me because people's so that they already know me because they heard some music or read some articles. Even in relationships, like people will absolutely pretend their assof in order to get in your good graces. Damn ja, I know you've got some things, some stories. Yeah. I tell people all the time that it can be very challenging being multiple people's best resource. And I think sometimes people don't mean to be in their minds, in hearts, they don't mean to present like that in your life. But there are times when people are your friends, are close to you, and when they think of something that they're doing, they're like, oh, I know who to call because in their lives, you're the best resource they've got. And that can happen for people who aren't even in public life. Like that can mean like you're an attorney, or maybe you make the most money in your family, or maybe you're the most educated in your family, or maybe you have the car, maybe the only person in the family has has a car. Like anything can happen to where you become the most resourced person. So I think it's really important in terms of friendships, especially if I was talking to younger women, is to try to not always be the most resourced person in the room. If you're everybody's best resource in the room, then mix it up a little bit. Have a mentor have somebody who knows some things and has access to some things that you don't, so that you're not always the person to go to for every single thing. You know what I mean? And you know, I don't know if that I hope that doesn't sound like shady, but I don't think so. I think that people have this thing about loyalty and you're supposed to have your right or die friends. Well, your ride or die friends have to ride or die for you too. They have to for me. I believe my friendships are with people that are growing. If you're stagnant, you can be an associate, you can be somebody I know, and I can love you from afar, but you can't go where I'm going. And and that doesn't necessarily mean like success wise far as a career. It just means that I don't on the East Wine. It just it means that I'm making some decisions about what I am and how I do things, and I need my my my friend to be making decisions about how they are and how they do things too, and hopefully we're in alignment. And I you know, that's it, that's it, that's how I feel. I just can't that right there. I just can't feel drained. It's not even like some malice. It's just like I just can't feel drained. If I feel drained, then I have to make decisions about boundaries. Boundaries don't mean I don't like you or love you. Boundaries is exactly what it is. There's really no gray areas, just that there's some things I cannot do in ways that I cannot interact and I'm just not going to do that. That's like, it's not negotiable under any circumstances. And I wasn't that person. I definitely wasn't that person, and I had to learn the hard way. And also I want to add this little bit that you never know who has the tools that you need, because you can, just like that, have an experience that none of your friends can relate to, just like that, and somebody will enter your life who knows how you feel, been there and can speak the language of your experience, and that doesn't happen just because somebody being your friend a long time, and they may only be there for a moment, just to get you through this thing. Listen, and then and you're forever grateful. Listen. I don't know if you guys ever heard of Supernanny Ya Yoe Frost. I'm trying to tell you that when I was black the white, when I was in Los Angeles by myself, trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing with this baby, Joe would call me all the time, checking up on me, telling me how I'm supposed to do this, that or the other. That's my point. After Jet was a certain age, you know, I didn't really talk to her that much. But every now and then I'll shout her out. I'll give her a call like, hey, what you're doing, what you're up to, and I'm happy to hear that she's happy and enjoying her life. But at that time, she showed up. She showed up. That kind of thing happens, yo. Can I tell y'all funny? Because I'm I'm very proud of my friend's circle, although at times it can be rather large, because I didn't live in a couple of places for long periods of time. But I will say that I do tell people all the time it's really dope to have a diverse friend's circle in the sense of resources, in the sense that I do have. Like I got friends that you know everything there is about the streets. But I also got like a lawyer, I got me a lot like and best believe, we used every sort, especially Dr Nigga. Shout out to my doctor Nigga. Yes, that's what we call him, because no matter what how much money he made, he will always be Dr Nigga to us. But when my daddy got sick, we found out he had pneumonia with Dr Nigga and said take him to the hospital. You know what I mean. But again, it just helps to have a full circle, a nice little yes, so you don't have, like you said, agent, so you don't have to drain one. You got multiple source situation, Oh my god, it's such a blessing. Yes, And I told you guys this before. There was a time in my life where that situation I couldn't make up my mind about certain things. And people with co signing each other but not know having that diverse friends circle also closes that space in your mind where you have doubt ye yes, because you're like, oh, that gentle affirmation yes, just or that loud affirmation that that's right. You know all of those things. Man, that's that's that a light Like I just got the courage to ask some of my bougee friends about financial things and financial advice because I'm like, you know what, let me stop talking about how bouge they are, how I can't afford to go to dinner with y'all and find out how you're doing it. Amen, Because that right there, that whole thing about that shame of not feeling like, oh well I don't have it like that, and blah blah blah blah. We'll keep people from communicating some really great stuff with each other. Oh my god. And when I asked to flood it in, it was like, yeah, like you should know about this is a matter of fact. I'm gonna send you this article. And amen, wouldn't they rather tell you that than I guess we all have been in a situation we had to ask for friends help, but and not that they wouldn't want to give you, but thinking ahead, Yes, it's better than asking for fifty Okay, how about how what's that with loaning money to a friend. I don't mean anything that I expect to get back. I just don't nice nice Typically that's my rule. Normally, that is how I respond as well. I don't really expect to get it back. But you're consistent, you keep coming back. You don't have to pay me back. And when you don't pay me back, our friendship with money is over. You can't ask me for nothing. This is it, this is over. It's no miss. I have a friend who came in the clutch. I came through for him and clutch, and it hurt my feelings so much that he went on Facebook, he got married, he's going on vacations, doing all of this stuff. But you haven't made an effort to pay me at least a hundred dollars a month. No, okay, I don't want to hear about your situations and your your your goods or your bads. I don't hear any of it. I don't care. Now you're being I find you disrespectful. You need to give me my money until then, I don't. I don't want to know anything about your life. I don't I'm sorry. I just find that very very disrespectful when you come through, is right. That's the lesson that I need to know about that guy. Yeah, because I've had people reach out to me about money that I wasn't even thinking about, and I'm like, you know what, I don't need that right now, and unless you have a surplus, keep it mm hmm. Because I do think it's important that people communicate its respect, communication, because that's kind of how love. Love flourishes through respect and communication, and the friendship is no different than anything else that you want to last. I feel for some people, and I've had conversations with women like this before where they're like, I don't really have any really strong friendships with men or women, and that always makes me a little bit sad because I don't know how to respond to it. I talked to a woman recently who I think is actually brilliant and oftentimes speaks from this place that she helps a lot of people. She does work with coaching people through homeschooling, and does like some other things as well, and she had revealed to me that she, you know, didn't have a whole lot of women friends. She didn't have a whole lot of friends, and I didn't know what to tell her, but I did say, hey, listen, I consider you a friend, so you can add me into the fold because I think she's just an amazing person. But I always wonder what it's like when you have difficulty forming those types of relationships when you were not very social, like like you a socialist. Hell, I'm not surprised to know that she has a diverse friend group, but everybody doesn't have that ability. I just don't know how to get rid of How do you do that? I don't know how to. I don't know how to. That's what I'm saying. I just love hard and can't get rid of that has But you definitely can't get rid of me because I will find your loss. Yeah, I keep popping up on you. Yeah, I don't want you to know. And that's the thing. I'm like, it's weird. I always find light in all the people that I love. So even we were talking about this earlier, about a couple of people that we look at is like questionable. But yeah, and still I'm like, damn, but I love him because I see his light, and you know, it's something that's my it's my fault. That's my My mama called me a pussy when she was mad at me at that. Psy love you, Koreema. I love you, Koreema. I love you Koreema. That was gangster and full of love, right, But I mean, yeah, I dig it. You know I did that thing about not really trying to get rid of people or throw people away. That's rough. Boundaries are your friend? What are those? How you spell that? Boundaries are your friends? Let's say it again, boundary trees. I'm gonna get it. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are your friends friends. Yes, I've had to have boundaries with my own mother. I've had to have boundaries with my own mother because I have had too because of her friends. She decides are her friends. And I said, I ain't your friends. But you know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stand over here my business as long as it doesn't affect me financially, as long as nobody is hurting you, as long as it doesn't affect you financially, because that's my money. I'm going to be quiet until I see that these draining people are only draining your energy. You know, I can't. I can't stop you because you've grown, but she normally comes around at some point like way a manic. I'm like, that's right, maw. Ain't it something when you become your mama's bodyguard or her her warrior girl. Listen, my sister and now are high mess man. We've gotten into many many instances with people over my mother. My mother had many years of health issues. So I will say that there isn't a nurse in Greater Atlanta felt the pain felt that hasn't felt the presence, the presidence, the presidence. Dollar to wish that I had had some sisters, you know, like him, live far away. It wasn't like we got a chance to see each other all the time, and it would have been nice. And I did have some cousins, but they were mad at me because, uh, you know, this is this is my theory that I was living in Big Mama's house. You know, I was living at my with my grandmother with the with the nice at central air condition and the you know, the thread counts and queen and furniture and such. You know, so I was Poe rich, come po rich. Hey, listen, I didn't have anything to do with that. I didn't have anything to do with that, you like, I didn't have no saying living here, I didn't have nothing to do with it. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely? Oh? I loved I loved having sisters, and sisters is everything. And and even though we did discuss the challenges around friendship, I just really need to reiterate that my my friends are my life savers. They are my I love them. I love the women in my life. They are really a made zine and they add to me on the cellular level. And I'm just really grateful my sters, so grateful to have. They're both insane, they're both capricorns, May God bless them. Both got no sense of humor. They are actually well, they're fun. My sisters are just like very protective. So even though I'm grown, I've got more kids than they got in the whole mane. My sisters are extremely protective and I love that because now with my mother being going, having a soft place to land, people who will treat you like a baby, because who don't need to be treated like a baby sometimes you listen, I'm gonna just put this out here real quick while you want you on this no Asia, because y'all know I said to Jail I said to Asia the other day, I'm very conscious of time lately, so and it's to a point where I might need a little bit of help. But my point is that when this moment happens that happened with you, the loss of your mom as an only child, I'll need all of y'all, everybody. I'm just saying and is now because I just needed to say it, because I have these thoughts. I have these thoughts on the daily and I just I'm saying that to y'all because Asia, you was a motherfucker soldier, because I just I'm gonna need everybody. Well, I want to thank both of y'all because when my mother passed, you both reached out to me and just really kind of set me some loving and I need loving and I needed that. I needed it from every person, you know, everybody who showed up for me. And you know, it was a really difficult time, and that really was the time when my friends really just elevated, like they went into like superstar status during that time and and it have continued to but yeah, man, my mom's energy was so big for me that it needed my friends as a group to show up. But yeah, I mean I think it's about how you define family, and friendship has always been a part of my definition of family. This has always been there for me. And once I consider you a friend, I consider your family. It's just that's just what it is. I don't really have a whole lot of separation for that. In my mind, I want to be fully present there. But again, boundaries, m boundaries still exists. Boundary bound keep practicing, says I am. Get into it, Legs and gentlemen, this conversation has been about friendships and what they mean, What do they mean to you? And is somebody really worth your friendship? How that's a heavy one. What do they add to your life? Are they training? Are they inspiring? Is it someone that is maybe tight and you want to break free? These are all your choices to make. Friendship is good, it's divine, if it's real. We'll be back after the break. Coming up next on the show, What's on Your Heart an occasional segment where we're check in with people we respect about how they're really feeling hot on y'all, I think that's somebody calling. That must mean it's time for what's a hot Ladies and gentlemen, it is our pleasure on j dot Il to introduce you to you don't already know the poet Laureat of Philadelphia, Miss Trepida Mason. Yeah, thank there is such a joy to here Joe and all of your wonderful folks out here in virtual world. Hello, it's been years, it has too long, too long, but you haven't changed. Look a baby knocking on? What what is it now? Two? Three? Can you believe that? Yeah? Oh my god, fabulous, thank you, thank you, thank you. Mrs Chilian looked just as beautiful as ever. You're so seeing you in panoramic poetry. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that's that's a throwback. That's a throwback for real. Trepeter Mason was there when I really started to read poetry at October Gallery and at uh oh boy Willhelmina's and Warm Daddies and oh man, so way back. Really really, I know we show our age on here, but I'm not ashamed of this life in any way, shape or form. This is the good stuff. I'm so excited, ladies and gentlemen, Trepeter Mason is here and you're gonna read a poem to us. I certainly can, I certainly will have that. Why don't I do something since we have all these sisters in it, sisterhood, and say her name? How about that? Okay? Yes, say her name like you ate, sweet sap. Let it slide out of you like consecrated nectar. Say her name like a supplication. Let it grace your lips like sacred psalms. Say her name like a proclamation. In every line you've got to decree her saying like that rhythm and her hip all mysterious and mesmerizing. Say like the crown and top her head bejeweled and badass adorned and decked out. Say it. Say it like your pars throp in quinch with her water like if feverish brow, when cool with her breath. She is a woman. Call her builder of people and places and possibilities. Fix her of wretched, wounded and wayward, lover of men, of women, of babies, of beauty, owner of joy and peace, and herself generator of protests and justice and fire. Say her name like a mantra. Say her name like a mantra. Say her name like a mantra, over and over again until the breeze chance it back, until she ceases to be called out of her name until she can freely claim what is hers, until her body is not a political agenda, until her intelligence is not marginalized, until her color is not snubbed and slighted, until she stops getting less wages. Say her name until there is no more. She's good for a woman, she's smart for a woman. She's acting like a man. Say it because it's glory, is saying because you're basking her all, because her lfe breaks through the dust, because her down is our morning song. Say her name over and over until the wind house it back, until it graces our lips like a supplication, a sacred song called woman. That's for your sister jail. Say her name that's supposed to be. I need you all to understand that this is truly one of my favorite poets, because as you hear, it's how she's always been. It's always been a celebration of the woman. It's always been this beauty. It's always been this beauty on the tip of her tongue that she just shared with everybody all the time, and always such a lady. And if Peter Mason ever cussed, you knew that something was up. You know that she is the reason when I say that curse words to have power, she uses them. They don't use her. And that's the reason why you know you are who you are. And Poet Laureette, amongst grants and all kinds of things that you've been able to acquire, this is someone that is actually a living, working poet. Are you still in social work as well? Yes? So I have the honor of having two jobs, full time parties and a poet. And then I'm still working in mental health. So I'm a therapist and a clinical social worker and i work in Kensington out here in Philly, and we're working with people with mental health, substance abuse, and also intellectual disabilities. So that's my daytime job along with the poetry. Also is the daytime job. I live in Philadelphia. And when you said Kensington, immediately I understood what is in front of you in terms of your work and the people that you are seeing every day. And who better than a poet to understand their humanity and to offer what needs to be offered in terms of comfort and support and resources. What a beautiful way to extend your work outside of your art. I mean, that's amazing. Thank you. And when one informs the other. You know, people say, um, where are you going with the clinical work versus the poetry, But it really does inform the other because it's therapeutic either is helping to reach others or even myself, because I can't really survive this thing we live in without poetry, without art. It's no way. It's no way, you know. So I'm curious what is your like on the daily repeeda, like how do you handle this on the daily? I mean, I know, I don't know if you write on the daily, is that like your outlet or But and especially that you're kids intending you're dealing with a whole another stetic issues like how did you take care of self on the daily? On the daily? I don't. I would like to write more, you know, on the daily prayer, reflection, gratitude. Uh. And I'm really serious because I was thinking about joy and this whole idea of cultivating joy and what it takes to cultivate joy and to be able to get up in the morning and decide. You know, I have a thing on my answering machine I've had for many years, and it says, happiness is a choice is and we don't owe anybody you know, if no one owes us happiness, it's a choice. So every day it has to be a reckoning with that and recognizing that and that that's how I get through. I have to decide that I'm going to get through and this is this is me all day and some days it's not easy. And then the writing helps because I know I can go to that place I can create. And then just having gratitude, I mean, I'm breathing. I got something right, right, you know, because there's a rough one. You have such you know, beautiful words for women, and could you tell us like who in your life, like the women that you're really thinking of in your mind that are directly tied to you that informs such a beautiful piece. I think we can all agree that we can think of the women whose names we know collectively for the reasons that we know them. But who was in your heart when you're saying that, who is the woman you see in your mind? The person I see the clearest in my mind is my mother, who I lost two years ago. And this was a woman who came to America from Liberia. Immigrant came first working in the hotels, cleaning up hotel rooms and just always struggling, working as a made all these things, and then being able to survive she survived or trauma, all this stuff, and then coming on this side being an immigrant, dealing with all kinds of stuff and never really getting the love that she fully deserved. So I'm thinking about all of these other women that we're all familiar with, you know, I'll hear Brianna Tail, all these other folks that we know need their names said and held. But I have my mom at the core because this is just some poor African women who didn't go to college, didn't do any of those things, and she never really got that she needs to be in a poem, you know. So I'm always That's what we do this as artists. I'm always writing, and I'm sure you all do thinking about these women that are supposed to be poems and songs and everything else that are not. So I have to honor them in that in that space trapide, you got married, Yes, I got are you? No? I'm not at it was three three years ago. Yeah, I was single for very long. So when I talk about single, more than I've been in a relationship through my life. So the marriage, I was able to find a very kind soul, that's all. I Liberian. No, he's Jamaican. Yeah, yeah, he's he'sn't filly. You know we met. You know what I was doing. I was chilling one day. I was feeling good. It was feeling good. I was walking with the hicken Park, just walking. It's been three years, not in a relationship, mine in my business. And this guy comes up. I was with two other friends. We were doing this whole get yourself right exercise, do all this stuff. When we stopped, they said, don't talk to that, don't talk to strangers. We don't talk to me in the street, seven o'clock in the morning, and I said, no, he seemed like a kind person. Pulled over. We talked, three women facing this black man, and he says, so, what are you guys into? You know, what are you all doing? Later and I and it goes on and on. He says, well, can I have your number? And I wasn't really sure who he was directing it too, so I said, well, what do you want all of our phone numbers? I started making all these jokes and then he said, you're funny. I would like your number. And we went out a month later and we have been inseparable for tenure. Beautiful, You're so happy, And it was an answer prayer. I want a reel back for a second. So he hollowed at you from the car. Yeah you you heard Jill's introduction. I'm not that girl that's gonna be responding to the car. But you know, it felt like divine intervention. And I hate to sound parny here, but it's true. I prayed and I really wanted this and I and I wanted a special person who could be loving and kind and not abusive, not jealous, not all these things, just a good person because all I want to do is just be me in my household and me in my community, you know. And that so regular guy. And you know he's a contractor guy, chef man, the regular man. Yes see I see listen contractor chefs. I heard he fixing stuff. Yes that when you put your list down, because I feel like everybody should have a list. You know, what is it that you really want in a person. I know a lot of people go for the money thing and they're like, oh, he's got to have this, that and the other. You you really truly want to think about who their heart represents, you know, who's really in there? Are they kind? Are they decent? Minded? Are they caring? Are they affectionate? Like the things that really matter? Because you know, money is fleeting. It goes out to win, though it goes on a bill. If the text man come get it. You know that that thing doesn't really stay. Do truly think about the human being that you're spending your time with. Last, but not least, Tripuda Mazing. What's on your heart? You know we just had an election. Okay, what's on my heart? It's not just surviving, but thriving. I talked about cultivating joy. Mental health is also on my heart because I've been seeing it displayed in different ways on social media or just through friends. People trying to cope right now, whether it was through COVID or through the election, through the whatever. And what can I'm asking this question, what can we do with each other? I was on a call with sister Sonia Sanchez at the other day and she said, as women, we need to be kinder to one another, We need to be better with one another. We need to forgive and move forward. And when I'm thinking about these times, I'm thinking about how can I make space a welcoming space, loving space, a forgiving space, gracious space to be able to welcome sisters that are on the verge or going through something or coming out of something, or maybe an whole and in peace, but still needed to be refueled. That's what's on my mind. How can I be an agent, a gateway, something to make somebody's day a little better, especially in these times, especially in these times. I thank you so much for spending your time with us. Thank you, Thank you so much for sharing all that you are. You are an inspiration and have always been from the very beginning to now, so proud of you. And I'm happy for every instance of happiness that you feel. Thank you. Look at you. I just want to tell you I love you and I thank you because whether you're here or wherever you are in Philly, you have love for us. And I'm talking about us, and it's really really evident. I'm very proud of you, and you should know that. Thank you should know that, and I thank you. And and this wasn't just a love fest between me and Jail here, ladies, so I thank you for having me in this space. This is a blessing that's supposed to be mm hmm well, tear's a joy. J the Podcast And uh, shine your light on another sister friend, even if it's even if it's a stranger. You see somebody and you can feel an energy, because that's one of the powers of black women. We can feel, so we can feel. We are antennas. And if you happen across somebody who needs a little bit of light on, needs a gentle touch, going to share that thing. You got gloves, you got a mask, hurt you, you can do it. Peace and blessings everybody, so much love, talk to you. So how do you eat an elephant? One? By? It time? All right, y'all know what time it is. I'm producer Eves and I'm bringing you yet another resource. This time I like to share one of Laya's recommendations, which is the novel The Friends by Rosa Guy. The book is the first part of a trilogy by the author who wrote plenty of young adult fiction as well as novels for adults. That's all for today, and as always I'll drop a link to more info about the book and the episode description. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair, and agent Graden Danceler. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by La st Clair and Medeve Jeff Cote. The editing and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Larenger. J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.