Birth is A Mother

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im a production of I Heart Radio. Hello everybody, Welcome to Jay dot ilta podcast. Listen, Hello, everybody. We're talking about giving birth. I know that we've had this conversation before, but I mean, she is worth it. She is worth it, Okay, the conversation. She is worth it. I'm Jill Scott. I'm here with Lijah st. Clair. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's me. Yeah, and Agia Graden, freaking amazing Danzler. Every pregnancy, Dad, every labor you can imagine, every delivery, you can imagine pregnancy and different one at the same damn time on the same day. Hold up, Jill, but hold up, Jill. Just when you think it's not it's enough. Here come Dean the last baby. Don't forget the twins. Wasn't the last baby's Dean at the comp So that means she said, let's try to join one more. I could not superhero superhero by every you. You deserve some flowers of parade something here. The fact that you still enjoy sex, to me is what I live for. I'm like, this is a this because you have all right to be like like girl. Listen, let me tell you something. It's called the husband has I mean, yeah, I mean, but you know, I've talked about the magical v. We can't even get to his body before we talk about like your body. But yeah, I have had a plethora of different types of births. I always say I've had all the births imaginable, but not all of them. There's tons of different ways to give births. There's so many different birth stories, and I love listening to people's birth story. I think it's I think it's fascinating. Wait wait, wait, wait, Okay, so you had a water birth. I did not, Okay, I told you. I tease and say I've had them all. I haven't had them all, but I have had all. Six of the children were all very interesting and all very different, and I've had a bunch of different experiences. And as a lot of times, when I'm sitting there talking to women, they'll be like, yeah, this happened to me, and I'm like, yeah, that happened to me too. And then they'll say something else and they're like, oh, yeah, that happened to me too, and I'm like wow. Like I can relate to a lot of people's story, and particularly when people talk about having a cince arian because I had with the twins, one was born vaginally, one was born c section, so they both had two totally different births and they are fraternal. So when I think about the twins, I really think about that. They really are to oh my god, completely same day, totally different, uh amazing, And I always think to myself, that's pretty, you know, pretty interesting. And then with Dean, who came after the twins, he people typically don't have a vaginal birth after having had a c section, and I did. I went from having a cuss arian in the hospital and then I had a home birth after that, and it was a vaginal birth with Dean. From what I understand that they're really pushing the C section agenda. Um you know, you're saying like that, but pushing yeah, pushing the C section um on on. But I don't know if it's particularly black women. I think it's probably like time efficient or something. But it ends up with you with the woman being in a great deal of pain and a lot longer recovery. If I'm not mistaken, well, I'm gonna tell you this. I had. I did have the infamous vback birth, which is vaginal their C section and infamous because they say it never happens after C section here, and so I did have that. But one thing I will say is before I had vaginal natural birth prior to the twins, and I never experienced the type of low lower back pain debilitating lower back pain during birthing like I did with Dean with the kids prior, and I always believe it was because I had a casseeter in my back. I believe it was because I had the epidural and that it cast some sort of um, you know, a scar tissue in my back because I had a very difficult birth with Dean, and it's actually was documented my my husband. I did a like a web series call six Is in one of the last episodes we did was the was Dean's birth, and Dean's birth was very difficult. I had a hard time progressing because I couldn't push. Every time I was having contractions, they were so painful that I was just surviving the contraction. I wasn't actually pushing or progressing the birth, and it was very hard. So that was one of the ways in which I suffered in my v back. But that's not the way they typically tell you you will suffer. They tell you because they don't want you to tear your scar. But I didn't have that. But I did have bad lower back pain that did not exist prior to me having a something ill though and right because after the I had an epidural fifteen hours in then I had back pain. I thought it could have been, you know, because I carried a baby, you know, um, but I never had back pain like like I do now. It's random, but it, you know, I have to do things in order to make sure that I don't, you know, lock up. I've locked up where I could not stand up straight multiple times since I had an epidural. And I hear that that's the consensus. Yeah, it was just so I had to use a birth and stool to get Dean. I was want to ask you when you said the whole ripping thing, that got to be something you are supposed to rip your previous C section scar where you're having your vaginal birth. But how challenging is that? Well, V back back in the day, was was brought up at a time when c sections were a whole lot more invasive, and the scar used to be like a great, big, old cross winging stomach. Now you have this little tiny what they called the pekin pas, a totally different type of scar and the likelihood of that tearing, and and sometimes people would have like c sections where they would have mesh behind the So these are old school surgeries and v backs that whole thing. That term was really made to respond to a much more invasive surgery that has progressed over these And that's how behind they are in the way that women, you know, how our bodies work and how they approach our health care. They're still talking about something that don't even happen anymore. But again it's that's not to say. One thing is good to remember even as we share stories like this, is that all women are different. So some women maybe they should not opt for a vaginal birth after accessarians. All depends on what kind of experience they had, what kind of trauma has happened to their bodies. And you know, you want to get into telling people what to do, but just know your own medical history. You know, listen to your doctor, have a doctor that listens to you, or your midwife or whomever you're working with. But I'm telling you my body. One thing about you know about me is that over the course of having six pregnancies. Well I say six really because it was like the twins were one pregnancy, but their fraternal these were two different babies. Yeah, two different deliveries. But you know, after being haven't gone through five of those that I would have to send. My body was always like up for the task, you know what I'm saying in that way, you know, And so the things that would break my body down, I had to pay attention to those things because typically throughout the time that I was given birth, my body was like okay, bo, let's get it. But those times where it broke me, I knew something wasn't right. I can't even see you with like a weak core. I can't even see you with like like the issues I'm having now, with just a little fibrary situation. I can't even see you having kids and having a weak core and having to pick up babies. Did you ever your mid sex like that was never a thing for you? Well, so here's the thing. My stomach does have a permanent little flap. I have a little fopa situation that you know it, it's not going to go away, it's just there, you know what I'm saying. Now, Most people I know who have had the c sections it is. It's yeah, I have a little shelf, and guess what y'all get in this shelf. Through every bathe and suit everybody can dress, you're gonna get the show. That wasn't what I was talking about, your strength because I feel like the strength strip because people don't talk about like I know, I just got these fibrarries taken out. But it's the same thing with getting a baby taken out, where your core strength is the finished You're not even supposed to really use your core and your belly abdominal muscles. So I'm like, how you do that with six babies and all the things. There's no way to avoid it. Yeah, it's no way. It's no way to avoid it. You're you're going to have to use that. But you know, I tried to stay in bed. I did recover, and one thing I did have is a very very strong and and and supportive family that really tried to keep me off my feet, that came to take care of me. However, breast couple, girl, I will beat everybody up. Give me the list some I'm I'm listening anyhow, I girl, I feel myself staring through the corn field like Sophia. I'm on my way up to the house for whoever had this woman cooking breakfast? You know who you are, I know you too. Any who, Yeah, it was tough. Bottom line, I came home with three children. Yeah. I have more conversation after the break Yeah. Listen. The reason that we're really talking to Aga about this is because you know, an old girl, young girl, sister girl, My girl is experienced this. She is experienced in having children. A real life superhero. Her her body has gone through miraculous um movements like like music, you know, in order to bring people to life. Uh and into this, into this plane. It is miraculous. I'm curious of um. You gave birth in two different ways in one day, and then you had to breastfeed. Oh yeah, how with the contracts and and and yeah, that's the that's I'll start there. How how how? How and that was? That was complicated? That was complicated. Okay, So when you have a baby, and y'all noticed, if your breastfeed, your uterus contracts. Okay, and all the moms out there noticed those. If you don't have children, the uterus contracts when your breastfeed, everybody's down. Now the problem with breastfeeding after you ever sce arean, is that you have trauma to your abdomen, which is right there where your uterus is, and that every time that uterus contracts, it aggravates that scar and aggravates that scar tissue and that trauma to your stomach. And you know, they give you payments. And I was being hardheaded, and I was like, oh, I don't want to take the pain meds because I'm breastfeeding and uh. And I was concerned until that first pain hit and I said, I'm not helping anybody by making this decision. I need to get on the back on the pain medications. I did that. I followed that regiment. I still nursed, the children were fine. I was advised that I could nurse. I did, but the nursing again without the assistance of those pain meds, and just constantly doing the things I was supposed to do to help myself heal, getting the rest, getting the proper food and nutrition. If I wasn't doing all those things, that's being diligent about those things, it would show up fast. I would be tired, exhausted, or in pain, or a combination of all three. And the twins both nursed until they were almost a year old. I mean they nursed a full course and that kind of all night. I didn't sleep for five months. I literally I didn't sleep for five months. I was gonna ask that they are different schedules. They were on different schedules because they were two different babies. There was no same schedule. I ain't got two titties, you know. So at the end of the day, and like I said, I said this, and and trust me, I'm not bragging one exhaustion, ladies, I'm not saying anything. And this isn't also nothing. And I and let me tell you something. We go through things as mothers. And I'm so grateful for you guys to even take this time to talk about this and even give me any love of flowers. But trust and believe already know our grandmothers and our mothers and our aunties. They've been doing these things a long time and had more babies than I and they lost babies, and they suffered, and they went through things and they still got up and then what had to be done. And I just honored them in this moment because I know how difficult it was. You know what I'm saying, And they didn't even have half the support that I had. No, Yeah, you just made me just think about this. My mom just said yesterday, she was like, I'm looking at all your options for you know, your paths and things. She was like, you know, I come from the days of the belt and your Grandmam. I think she just used paper. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. My grandmother told a story about laying out in a field that was covered by high grass because the ground was still moist and cold, in order to relieve minstrel cramps because in the household she grew up in, you don't lay down during the day. Mm hmm. You don't lay down during the day. Think about that for any of you that have ever experienced excessively painful minstrel cramps where the sound of somebody walking across the floor send you into a tizzy, or or cracking a door, or or turning on the light switch. You know what I'm saying, Like, my God, and you're not supposed to lay down during the day, during the daylight out, laying down for nighttime. Man, girl, serious, I don't understand this world where women are just not put up put up on some kind of pedestal that they that literally not worshiped, like seriously serious, amazing what women do. It's what the body is capable of at that time. How you can disconnect girl, who you could disconnect like when I had a thing, so fatine and we talk about sex. So this is really this is interesting for Tina. And when the twins were born, they were the only birth that we experienced where we spent a significant time afterwards not sleeping in the same bed. When I was nursing the twins, it was exhausting for me to keep getting up to nurse them. And so what I began to do was rig my bed so that had pillows on opposite side and I would lay in the middle and have one twin on the right and one on the left. So at night I would just roll from side to side and nurse them as they needed or wanted it, so they we could both so all three of us could still lay down. He fell asleep, just giving it, Teddy, huhn, just falling asleep, and he just said, I'm gonna leave here on the couch. Yes, he laid on that couch. The team was on that couch for months. For months. Be clear. Breast feeding I have seen it was it was years ago. Um, but I remember meeting a woman where all the color off her nipples was gone. I don't know what that's called. It just took one. It just took one. She said that that at that time that she would never have children again. Her breast were so painful. She couldn't even put on the shirt when she was walking around with no shirt on in the house because she couldn't put anything on him. But she had to feed the baby and cry cry while feeding the baby. It was you know, they used to tell you to put cabbage leaves in the freezer and then take the cabbage leaves and put them inside of your bra to relieve sore nipples. That work, I mean, I'm assuming Asian you. Oh I definitely did that. I definitely did that. You know I took So here's the thing, and everybody knows this, The best and worst thing that can happen to you at the moment that you announce a pregnancy is advice. And you're gonna get a ton a ton, a ton ton of it, you understand me. And if you start nursing, oh god, well, you need to do this, and you need to drink this, and you can't do this, and the baby has to be on the schedule, and you can't nurse them too long, and you gotta nurse something enough. And if you don't nurse something, you wrong. And if they ain't supposed to have no formula, but if they have formula, they gotta had this kind of formula. Yeah, that kind of formula. And I remember just recently had the short of join formula and some people were coming out of their mouths telling women, well, just nurse them them. And you understood, some women cannot nurse. Some women physically cannot nurse. Some women cannot nurse. I did not produce enough milk. They can't do it. Jet wasn't for it anyway. He would literally take his little hand and he hit the titty out the way. Every time I even approached him. Would be like, nah, nah, nah, no, no, I want that. That's not a girl. I will say, these children that I had, they tried to eat me out of house. And but you know the shame that came apart with that, the shame I got all these titties and I couldn't make milk, enough milk to to feed him, that's wow. I remember my my nanny at the time she was I remember coming downstairs. I had worked so hard, I had worked so hard on making this bottle, and it was like half a bottles were the mid just it and I hated her. I hated her. I just felt the soul. Yeah. Yeah, no medals, no medals, no medals, and it's fine. And I hate that. I hate that we get it one way or the other. It's like you nurse the baby. They don't want. No, they don't want your nurse and the baby in public. They don't want to see you titty. They don't want to to You're supposed to hide it. You supposed to YadA, YadA, YadA. You give a baby for me. Oh, this is the best to depress, is best ended. But they don't want to go to work for you, right, they don't after that three months when you got to go back to work, or if you have the three months, because trust and believe those are certainly certain people get them. Three months goes back to girls. I don't know if it's a right or not, but I think had I had my body been stimulated during pregnancy, that I probably would have been able to purchase. I don't know as we can we can shut up. I'm telling you. That's how that's what I think. I think I could be wrong. I feel like five pregnancies that every pregnancy at the same level of sex is Jill correct? This is that a thing she had sex for all? Yeah, I don't know one that y'all didn't have sex from. Wasn't just one pc that y'all didn't have sex? Okay? I mean by that time, I mean you would think it would probably be more of the first baby where you'd be scared, but you can't remember that first time you get it in in you're like, oh, he's okay, no problem. But here's the thing. For the fellas, for the fellas who are listening, I just want you to know something. There is not a single man. It's not a single man. And if he is, if he is, he's just special. And it's probably not you, sir, who can anatomically hit the head reach anywhere close to your service. And the baby is behind that. I think I'm I don't hurt the baby. I've hurt the baby. I think I've heard the babies behind the cervix, okay, sir, No, sir, I just want to let you know, Damn, I'll be no, because I'll be I'm gonna hit the back of that thing. Now, the back of that thing. So now I've got questions. I just want to ask the question that you may not ask because so it's pregnancy sex better different or just the same. Well again, I'm gonna preface it with everybody's body is different. I don't want to throw something out there. Y'all go out there and get pregnant. Thank you. Finna had the juiciest cool you want to and that's when I don't have it. I don't want you to hit me up last saying, bitch, I got pregnant thinking I was gonna get me some and I didn't get it. I won't say like the team was just summer peaches. She was good and to listen, the team was just he was just talking about this day before yesterday, I promise you. We was laying in the bed and he said, you remember, oh god, this is terrible. He said, do you remember how it used to be all soft and it used to be kind of swollen altt he was like it was like a little he said, it was like it was like it was like that I said. I remember he was just like, oh, he was like that was he just was sitting there like, oh girl, And I remember up until five months, so how you know what time the team's time? He was like, how you know it was teams ain't? It was like that would get like that every time, but most times we were pretty most time it was it reached its height after the morning sickness was over. Once I got past that initial kind of four three months, three or four months when you'd be sick and stuff, or you're not feeling too good and you overstimulated. That three to six months period and sometimes seven depending on how big you are. But that three to six months, baby, I got my mouth. Oen I heard. I heard about that. Joe, you gotta get pregnant again, bitch. I endured that that was a special beach right there, right there, that was it were quiet. You know what if if I had um, if I've been ten years younger. You know what I'm saying, ten years You know, it's not like three years younger, it's ten years. If I was ten years younger, especially with this particular gentleman that I am happily happily with, I would I would give him about three three if I love Yeah, I would, I would love to, But you know that's not going to be this time around. Maybe next time around, more real talk after the break. I hate that I missed the pregnancies too, sex though I know you do. I can see it all in your face. I feel bad for you. Yeah, I'm mad about so many wonderful things. Well, let me just say this. I will say this. It's still a crap shoot though, Jill. I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but it's still a crap shoot. There's some women I know who had whose sex was painful during the pregnancy. There were women who had no desire during their pregnancy. There were women who had a number of different health problems and issues during their pregnancy. People have proclamsia, people who had through a number of different bad rest And I was on fire, she was on fire. Luckily, I was just working a lot, you know, during the pregnancy. But I definitely I'm surprised you ain't. Just I guess you don't wanna put no foreigner. Let me shut up. No, that's me, you know, I don't. I don't, I don't. I wouldn't begrudge a woman doing whatever she that's not That wasn't something that I couldn't. I just couldn't. It didn't even cross my mind. Mm hmm. We are crazy. I mean, I love it. We can move past that particular subjects. We don't want to be y'all here making nobody sad. Now it's all different, you know, because girl listened. But you know what's funny though, what's interesting is that whole you get so used of your body being all supple and boom boom boom, boom boom, and it's like you have a baby and I don't know how the people are, but I just felt so immediately ugly after my babies came out. It was just like like the day before. I was full skin, bright hair, bouncing, you know, hi baby came out. That just went turned into a hole. For dude, like, what is this is a terrible looking pregnancy? I looked off. Did you feel better after he came out? Did you feel or did you feel like it took a while, It took a while to feel pretty. It took a while how long it takes. But I did shows right afterwards, and this is crazy. I did my first time doing Essence Deal was two weeks old. She was two weeks old. I prayed to God because at the time, that was one of the first big festival gets me that've ever done. And I said, Lord, please let this baby be born, because, let me tell you something, they would not let babies fly in under two weeks old. And I said, God, please, yes, I said, God, please let this baby come in time for me to do this festival. And I prayed and prayed and pray, and I went into labor just in time, and Deal was born in two weeks later. He was on a plane going to New Orleans, and I was so busy getting things together because her brother was already he was three, and so my mom came with me, and my son was three years old. My sister flew down and and I was getting everything together that I didn't try on my clothes for the show, and I bought the clothes according to what I thought my size was. And so I went to the sound check and I had on y'all, I had on a pair of blue like gaucho pants. You know, I don't know that was like a thing at once, you know, remember when that was like for a second shows, those little gaucho pants and I had on a white peasant shirt and I was so busy, like I said, I had a newborn. We did the sound check, was hanging out backstage, and then I'm getting the babies together. Finally it's time for me to get dressed for the show. And I go try on my clothes and they don't fit. I look terrible. I looked terrible. My first time ever doing the Essence Festival and we were headlining the super Lounge and I did that show, in those blue gaut shows and that peasant shirt, and my two weeks old baby was in the back. I cried and cried and cried and not want to go on stage. And my mother, my mother was like, they came to hear the songs, Asia, they came to hear the songs, like, it's gonna be fine. You look beautiful. Just go do the show. We'll be here when you're done. Girl. Let me tell you something. It wasn't adventure, nothing else, honey. It was an adventure if nothing else. So rude, if nothing else, girl, just give give, give the women, give give something. Throwing flowers out of him because the sad she said, what is that sounds? Throw at that sound. I got a lot of them, what is but you know, but do you know what it is like? And that that too. It was an invention, you know. It was an adventure being a working artist and then having children. Girl, it's a thing. She was two weeks she said, was that. I'm like, is that a vaginal birth? Because she ain't even closed. I don't know it was a vaginal birth. I gave birth to her at home. She was my first one. It was my first time giving birth at home. Wow. I gave birth to Dia at home, and that was my homebirth. And my mother and my mother in law, well my right my mother was on the right side, my mother in law was on my left side, and the bed was facing the doorway, and the doorway was all of my daughter's auntie's. I tell her this all the time. She had the distinction of being the only danceler child that was born under these circumstances. They had both her grandmother's in the room at her birth, present for her birth, and all of those women watching that she came and they were waiting, they were waiting. My man wife said, do not tell her the sex of this baby, because they could see she said, I don't care if you see. Don't you tell her? Let her see first. Yo. That is so connected from to obergainnings. And it's like it's jarring. It feels so good, like it's just oh, that's the way to be supposed to do it, that's what we used to do, that's where we come from. It feels it just just gives you all the feelings. Oh yeah, I had the pleasure of helping my my godson come into the world. And I remember the sign that my beautiful friend she had put on the wall, and it said I will labor in harmony with nature, And it made me think of watching my my mom's dog give birth and how she you know, she had a bunch of rack of puppies, like I don't know, I won't say it rack, but she had like three or four puppies. And I remember her she did she went into this silent state and she it looked like she was howling, but she bade no sound at all. And I just remember that and I thought, wow, that that was incredible. That's how my girlfriend gave birth. She didn't make a lot of noise, you know, she just she kind of howled in silence. Um, and my mother had said to me before I gave birth to Jad, she was like, don't don't yell. Don't don't do that, because when you push out all of this energy and you take that deep breath in, you're sucking the baby back up. Don't do that. She was like, just just focus. Your body is doing what it's supposed to do. And with you making a lot of sound, a lot, she said, you don't want to scream your baby into the world. I remember her saying that to me, and it it brought back I will labor in harmony with nature, And I thought, I don't know, that's the only way that I know. You know that. I thought that was a brilliant time because my mother she couldn't be with me. Um, she would have she absolutely would have been taken over everything that there was to take over that whole, you know. Um she was taking care of my grand at the time, and that was that was I don't I don't think you're not supposed to be scared, Like, just in case, you know, you're getting ready for this thing. I think you're here, here's you. It's scary. Something amazing is happening to your body on its own, on its own, your your your service is opening on its own. Like that's crazy. The baby knows what to do pretty much, you know, on its own. It's pretty phenomenal to be a part to witness such a thing, and to be a part of such a thing that's your is literally sitting on my couch. My dad was in the birthing room when I was born, and so I have a whole series of photos. I guess this is the beginning. I'm sorry, but this is the beginning, But I have a hole. What's it looked like explaining for us? So I'm showing Asia and Jail the picture of me crowning, I believe from I'm and my mom in the operating room, and so yeah, no video, but my dad gives, gives every tape. We have a whole contact sheet of this is happening. Yeah, I always say, as I've grown up, I say that if you know your significant other has the stomach for it, or whoever is in the room has the stomach for it, do it. I mean, it's better to do it than not. Oh yeah, I mean. Fatina had been present for home births before, so he he had his mother had delivered babies before, so he was pretty like baby's being born. I'm good. He was scared about the cesarean, but the other birth, he's pretty cool. One thing about Nina, my third child, was that Nina has the distinction of being the quietest birth. Whereas Dia was the most crowded birth, Nina was the quiet Nina was just me and her dad and me and fa Tine birth alone, which was different for me because I didn't have my mother. I didn't have my my mother, not a professional in the room. I mean, it was the midwife. I'm talking about in terms of like family, you know, it's just and at that point I was, I was, I wanted that and was used to that because even though I Kill was born in the hospital, he was born in the hospital at the time where you could have other people in the rock. I didn't know if because you know, when they did it, it was iman support and because hers was unexpected. Correct, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it came fast, beautiful. There are people who have unassisted home birth thing. That's the thing. It's real people who do not have any assistance and at all from a midwife or anything like that. That's the real thing. By yourself, I mean it just seems like a horror movie too, Like heot like this. There are people who give birth in the car. There are people who accidentally give birth unassisted, so this is a thing and get one in the toilet there you go on accident. And then so for Tina and I just kind of held hands and just like okay, it's just me and you and that that whole energy. But I think, like I said, you said, if you have the stomach for it, great, but you only get to see something. You don't know how many times you don't get to see something like that. I know That's what I was like. You take a picture of it and lasts longer. Yeah, man take their deliveries. Um yeah, the first one, I had to put my knees together and my feet out like a tripod because I felt I was going to pass out. It was a lot going on before you gave birth. Yeah, before I gave birth and I had to die. I honestly had never seen a vagina like in Live before it said blue. Yeah, I mean, well the only time I seen it. Yeah, I don't think I paid attention. I don't know, but I'm mean lies like in my face that's right there. She meant the and then stuff was happening and somebody was coming out of it. I was like, I thinks out, I don't know, this is a lot. Wow, that's crazy. And then that the azing. I think I accidentally subconsciously missed Asians couple of births when she had publicly I was. I really wanted was so bad a lot to be there. I was doing. I don't remember what I was doing, but I And there's the ugly stuff they don't tell you about. When you when they don't tell you go and poop yourself. You know, I did everything I could not to do that. You didn't use the bathroom. I got up and I went to people were definitely poop. I went to the bathroom. They were like, what are you doing? I was like, there is no I felt like there was people in the room that I didn't I ain't trust to see me that vulnerable because I don't wanted to go to the bathroom walking. Now, I won't even lie to you. I won't tell you that it happened every time, because it did not, But I'm gonna tell you at least once it did. It is what it is, and I'm not afraid to say it's the body. The body does what the body does, and and and the body. And like I said, the thing with child or thing is that every part of your body is involved. It's like all the things shut down to focus on this one task. You got this one job. You got this one job, and all you can focus on is that that's all. There's nothing else happening except that that's the only thing going down in your world. In that moment, it's like, baby got to come out. We're gonna take a quick break and then it will be right back. I know I told you guys this story, but I don't know if I shared this with all of you friends and family. During the birth of my son Um, I got about thirty five hours in thirty five hours of labor, and the doctor comes in and said, well, you know you're you're just not dilating. We're going to give you a C section. And I remember thinking, who the f goes through labor for thirty five hours and then gets a C section? I I said, no, wait a minute. And I remember this book. It's a fictitious book. It's fictional. It is um Um Octavia Butler. One of my favorite books is called Why and oh, please do release do. In the book an Yahoo, the main character was able to go inside of her body and and manipulate things. And I remember that and I just thought, I'm gonna be on Yahoo right now. I mean, what's give me, give me some time, just give me an hour. And I went inside my body and I opened my cervix. I just imagining, I imagine my servis opening. And then I went further and I kept I focused all of my energy on opening my service. And when they came back, maybe about thirty semi minutes later. I know that seems like a lot, but miracles happened. Miracles absolutely happened. They came back and they were like, you're fully dilated. Let's go. I pushed twelve times and jet was in the world. Oh that's a power, that manifestation right there, though. Girl. Oh and a brain, that brain and that body. Yes, that dance between the brain and the body. If ever, there was an exercise in that childbirth is definitely part of that is a huge part of that. Yeah, that brain and body dance is off the chain. It was awesome. Yeah, that is literally a highlight of my entire existence, just just being able to do that. And be aware that I was doing it. I'm going in here, give me a man at I can so see that they have work to do. I have got work to do. Everybody, just just let me listen to this music. And and I went in there and I just kept seeing my servits open and seeing it open, seeing it open further. Now check, and I was fully dying, let's go. The day that Dean was born, all the kids were home from school. It has snowed and all the kids were home from school. And um, I told you it was a difficult birth Dean. And we had to fight for that one. And and I was having trouble and why I was having but we have this on video. My kids could hear me birthing in the next room, and the kids started going, go mommy, go me. But then listen. I was like, tell them this show because I was like, no, I don't want to hear nothing, because it was like y'all, I gotta concentrate y'all with my But it was so sweet. It was so sweet retrospect guests, it was very sweet. But I was just like, you don't tell them. You can if you don't get that money. It's a video of that day that waking the twins up. They were a little they was only two years old. It was waking the twins up if the teams like, you're gonna be a big sister today, and they just confused to tell They're like, can I have a wiffle? But they was all home. They were here the day that their brother was when I have a picture of us in the bed later on that afternoon, all of us in the bed together, and I just like I said, all of the births were different, and Dean has the distinction is said again to being the only child in which each and every member of this his immediate family was there during his broth. So all his brothers and sisters were in the house when I look forward to whatever kind of music that I killed is putting out because he didn't seen some things, honey. He didn't see some ship, right, seen some ship. I mean he the first like he didn't see like what you man, I know he started the song. He didn't want to start the song another room. He started everything entertained the people's that's pop baby. But you know what, he had to go through them four sisters to get him a brother. And when he found out we were having a boy last and he just I want I tell you I have a photo of them. He wouldn't put him down. They are eleven years apart. And when Dean was born, he just would not put him down. He would play video games and he had a little infant baby in his arms while he was paying. That was his baby. That was his baby. That was his baby. Both the team was just like, Lord, have mercy hammer fete all these He like, He's like, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl or elly? And does will it eat? Does it need shoes? Which is why that's why the series finale of six is it is the sect of me? Six? Is it? He gott of a sector me? And I always say to him listen, like I thought that was a big deal because a lot of men I want nobody messing with my dick. No, it was a big deal. We happen to document that on TV. I remember it was a huge, big deal. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for team. Yeah, thank you for team. Thank you Taking one for the team. That was the name of that episode, Taking one for the team. I think that's fair. You know, I'm sure some men out there will be like, how you can't see that. You now. I think it's fair, you know, and I do. I think it's fair. It's fun when when your your spouse, your wife, your your person, has given birth to your children and you know that time is over. You don't want to have any more children as a couple. You know, you agree that this is it. Yo, she gotta she gotta do that too. She gotta do that too. And she didn't gave birth for your kids. She gotta do that too. Na, friend, nas, it's time for you to step up. Time to step up. That's my opinion. To step up. Girl's a good investment. Good investment because guess what. Guess what the shot don't stop shooting, just do it, Just don't shoot. Shot, don't start shooting. Yes, they don't know. That's how we started this conversation. You know, that's why thinks still was that's one of one of Asian superpowers, all all of them kids and still getting it in and it feel good. What Keego power, Keego power, Keego power, everybody keego keg Okay, that's all keeg together. One two three four five one one to ship y'all double five five three three Yeah, yeah, and you're still doing and you're still doing rhythm that we rhythmic people, rhythmic people. I mean, you know it's possible. It's and like I said over the years, yes, it's hard when you have infants and you have Toddler's You know, I'm not going front. We've we've gone through the whole what what Dad? We women hold on, let's let's get let's get back to know each other. You know that kind of energy. It is not as simple as just okay, boom, you have an exhausted mother who is not feeling sexy. It's the same old story. We all know this story. We know what You could watch any nondescriptive television sitcom and see the scenario. So, yes, we went through those things. But overall, now we're at a stage where it's just like, yeah, our kids are much older, and we just we never stopped having sex, and so now it's just better because I have to worry about. One of the most loving moments that I heard of. My girlfriend, Mitchell told me this that I think it was her brother or somebody. I can't remember who it was, but um, it was a husband and wife and they were having a baby. And he um. She had gotten pretty pretty large during the pregnancy, and she was hungry again, and he sat there feeding her and cheering her, egging her on, eat that baby. Feed my baby. There, you can feed my baby. That's good for my baby. Feed my I was like, that is so romantic. That's so romantic and understanding. I remember when I first started seeing my stretch marks and things like that, and Fatina would say, um. He said, well, he said, that's that's evidence of how you brought my babies in the world. He was like, those are your battle scars, and he would rub them. He said, they feel like corduroy. He was like, this soft that but even now he grabbed that little tummy. And at the end of the day, it's like a person, they either into you or they're not into you, right, And I do know sometimes it can be complicated for the dads, I guess, you know, and I'm open to hear what they had to say about it, but my experience just doesn't mirror that. At the end of the day, you love who you love, and you go through the battle of of of birth in children and raising them, and the body does a thing and the mind does a thing. And it's a lot to go through as two people. I don't care what you go through as a couple. That's that's a battle. And when you battle tested like that and you get a chance to curl up with one another and squeeze on each other and show each other some love, it's like it's a release like no other because it's it's that moment where you're like, this is this is the life that we built together. Like we've been through the things we know, the things we know each other. You know that never I don't care what you're going through, that never ever gets old. That part that's the ship right there, that's the ship. And love on the pregnant when you'll be looking at it like that's my motherfucker. That's right. Go ahead, go ahead and love on a woman pregnant woman. Come, I don't care who you are, your girlfriend, whatever, whoever you are, love on her. She's doing something miraculous. Truly, it's a miracle what's happening. And to know that, you know, just again, I say it all the time because it blows my mind that she's born with all the eggs, she'll ever half born with them. This is this is, this is God at work for I hope, I'm sorry. And if it is new, then you learn something new today and that's that's really what's up. This is j dot IL the podcast. We are having conversations to spark conversation and motivation. No, love is great, I love want somebody today. Thank you so much for listening. Bye. How do you eat an elephant? One? By? It time? Hey listeners. Is Amber, the producer of J dot L. Birth is big, motherhead is big, and moving through it as a woman of color is big, big big. I want to encourage anyone getting ready for birth or postpartum to look into getting a doulah. Doulas are an invaluable source of support for people giving birth. In some states, they are even covered by insurance. Now, if you're looking to hire one and don't know where to start, I suggest that you check out the National Black Dula Association's website. I'll drop a link in the show notes. Hi, if you have comments on something that you said in this episode called eight six six Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight six six four nine five four five by don't forget to tell us your name and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill. The podcast m J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.