Passive-Aggressive Friendship

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Slam poetry.
It doesn't care if it's perfect.

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It's time to slam now here.
I go again on my own.

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Ha, got him.
Welcome to the very first solo

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episode of I Think Therefore I
Slam.

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My name is Andrew Rogerson and
welcome to this brand new.

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Episode format This is
something.

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Very new and something.
Very different so as we're both.

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Feeling our way through the dark
let me.

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Breakdown what these kind of
episodes are going to look like.

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I'm going to perform one of my
own original.

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Spoken word pieces.
I'm going to breakdown the

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background of the piece.
Tell some stories, have some

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laughs, maybe some nostalgia.
And then you're going to hear me

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tell it again.
And then and then we wrap up.

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I was encouraged to do this by
by some, I guess podcasting

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mentors that I caught up with
over the break.

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They were saying, hey, could you
find a way to bring some of your

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own work more to the fore?
So I decided to take a risk and

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try something different.
So today's poem.

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Is 1.
That I made a fun little video

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for on the I think therefore I
slam Instagram at I think

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therefore I slam if you're not
already following.

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So I thought I'd I'd kind of
expand on the story around it

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here.
It's called in ex ha ha Lily and

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it goes a little something like
this.

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Crystal knows the streets like
the back of her hand me down

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sneaks, unfit for a queen in
exile.

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Shortcuts and wormholes are her
bread and butter pudding,

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salvage from packet mix.
She's never learned a recipe,

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save the one for disaster.
Drags you to bars so divey

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they're practically reefs.
Pelts you with story sharp as

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spearheads.
You nod, but inside you weep.

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Shield your face from the heat
of her bridges.

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Depleted scolds like her
father's words.

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You want her blue, tacked on
that maternity ward wall.

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You want her enshrined on the
playground where you met in

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Grade 4.
You want her taxidermied on any

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night before this one.
But she gleams in defiance,

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regales again, pours herself
into another friend's futon.

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Crystal knows you're lying about
wanting to catch up with the

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times, spying on those you
thought left behind.

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Every pity is cancerous pride.
OK, so that was in Ex Ha Ha le

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Le and it's a poem about what I
like to call a passive

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aggressive friendship.
Now I'm going to quote JK

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Rowling here, who I realize is
probably not the best person to

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quote, but just bear with me.
This is going somewhere.

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When JK Rowling talks about how
she came up with the idea for

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Harry Potter, I think she says
something along the lines of she

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was on a train and all of a
sudden some of the characters

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walked into her, her mind fully
formed or something.

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And then she went on to to write
the first book.

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That's kind of how I feel about
these two fictional characters

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in the story.
You've got Crystal and you've

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got another unnamed woman
friend.

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I do feel like they kind of just
walked into my head one day.

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This is not autobiographical.
This is not based on any kind of

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friendship that I've had.
As much as a friend of mine who

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I did share this with was
convinced it was about them,

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it's really not.
This is about power dynamics in

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friendships.
This is about 1 friend looking

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at another with pity, you know,
and kind of looking down on them

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and feeling superior and even
keeping the friendship alive or

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keeping it kindled, if you like,
as a way of feeling superior.

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And that's reflected in the
title, which I'll explain.

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So index Ha ha, Lily, and
apologies to anyone who really

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likes this type of decor.
But if you go to your local

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Kmart or department store,
you'll probably find some kind

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of cheap and nasty homewares
where they've got the words

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inhale, exhale, but they'll be
on like a, a little plank of

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wood.
You know something that you

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might see when you you walk into
someone's entrance hall in their

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home, right?
So you've got inhale going

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vertical down.
So it'll say like in ha Li and

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then exhale on the right going
vertical down.

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So like X ha Li, right?
So you meant to read it

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vertically.
But of course, if you put those

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two things beside each other and
you read like you would normally

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read something which is left to
right, you end up with in X ha

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ha Li Li.
And the reason why I named the

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poem after that is that I guess
I'm being a bit judgy.

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I'm making a judgement about
that type of decor and going

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like, uh, that's a bit tacky.
So it's almost like the

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character here is looking at
Crystal and thinking of them as

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the type of person who might
like that type of decor.

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So it's, it's kind of mean and
it's kind of Snooty and it's

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meant to feel that way.
You know, Crystal, I try to, to

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really express that character as
someone who's a bit of a, a hot

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mess.
You know, they're walking around

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without some, some important and
basic life skills, like being

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able to, to have a wide range
of, of things that you can cook,

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which I realise is, is not
something that's super necessary

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nowadays.
But again, this is all through

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the lens of this other character
who's kind of looking down on

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all these qualities about her,
her friends, so to speak.

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You know, you nod, but inside
your weep, you shield your face

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from the heat of her bridges
deplete.

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This character is kind of sick
of hearing Crystal's stories and

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and the relationships that have
broken down.

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And yet they keep them in their
life.

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They keep them in their life
because I think they want to

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keep Crystal in this kind of
infantilized state.

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And that's why I talk about the
second character wanting Crystal

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to be blue tacked to her
maternity ward wall, wanting her

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to be enshrined on the
playground where you met in

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Grade 4 or taxidermy dot any
night before this one.

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I was trying to express that
feeling of something set in

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stone, right?
Something made into a statue or

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stuffed and put on a mantle of
wanting to preserve the status

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quo of maybe who someone used to
be or what the friendship maybe

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used to be like.
There's almost a sense of

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longing as well as that feeling
of superiority, I suppose.

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And then I wanted to put in I
guess what I call A twist at the

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end, so I'll just repeat that
part.

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So Crystal knows you're lying
about wanting to catch up with

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the times, spying on those you
thought left behind.

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Every pity is cancerous pride.
And that really sums up the

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theme in terms of Crystal kind
of knows what's going on.

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She's not naive to the fact that
this friendship doesn't have an

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equal playing field.
It's got a weird power dynamic

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where again, this other friend
is kind of feeling superior

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because their friend is such a
hot mess and Crystal's onto it.

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You know, Crystal knows that
this is not just any kind of

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catch up.
There is something behind this

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that is, that is doing something
for the other person, and that

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behind every pity is a cancerous
pride, that is, that is causing

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damage.
Now, I said before that this is

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not an autobiographical poem.
You know, this is not based on a

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particular friendship.
But I think that there have been

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elements of this in some of my
friendships as well.

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And I actually don't like that.
I don't want to be a passive

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aggressive friend.
I don't want to have differences

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in power dynamics with my
friends.

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I want to be able to celebrate
their wins, whatever is going on

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in my life.
I want to be interested in what,

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you know, the decisions they
make and what they do, even

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though they may be different
from myself and and what I value

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or what I'm interested in.
I don't want to be like this

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other character looking at
Crystal.

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But I guess once I'd finished
this poem, I was able to look

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back on it and be like, Gee,
this is really written from the,

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you know, the perspective of a
character who's a bit of a piece

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of work.
So I hope that in your

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friendships as well, that
they're not passive aggressive,

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that you're able to have equal
power with the people in your

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relationships and with your
friendships and that they don't

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reflect what's going on here.
So once again, I'm going to read

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it before I sign off.
This is in ex ha ha.

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Lily Li Crystal knows the
streets like the back of her

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hand.
Me down sneaks.

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Unfit for a queen in exile.
Shortcuts and wormholes are her

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bread and butter pudding.
Salvage from packet mix.

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She's never learned a recipe,
save the one for disaster.

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Drags you to bars so divey
they're practically reefs.

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Pelts you with stories sharp as
spearheads.

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You nod, but inside you weep.
Shield your face from the heat

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of her bridges.
Deplete it.

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Scolds like her father's words.
You want her blue, tacked to

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that maternity ward wall.
You want her enshrined on the

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playground where you met in
Grade 4.

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You want her taxidermied on any
night before this one.

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But she gleams in defiance and
regales again, pours herself

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into another friend's futon.
Crystal knows you're lying about

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wanting to catch up with the
times, spying on those you

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thought left behind.
Every pity is cancerous pride.

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Thank you so much for listening.
Like I said, this is a brand new

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experimental kind of format that
I'm doing here.

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So I'd love to hear what you
think and whether you want to

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hear more.
So let me know through the

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podcast play you're listening to
this on or through the I think

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therefore I slam Instagram at I
think therefore I slam.

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I'll see you in the next one.
Wait, your big fans?

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What's that all about?