Lost

WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.160 --> 00:00:08.509 Good morning, afternoon or good evening. I am Lloyd Warrington and you are 2 00:00:08.550 --> 00:00:14.550 listening to another episode of down to folk. This episode absolutely contains dark humor 3 00:00:14.869 --> 00:00:19.829 and horrific scenarios. If you are listening with children, I give up. 4 00:00:20.910 --> 00:00:35.380 Welcome to down to folk. Good luck. So far back, people could 5 00:00:35.380 --> 00:00:41.329 hardly remember when lived in arrogant hair who boasted of his other worldly speed. 6 00:00:42.729 --> 00:00:47.409 He was indeed quick as lightning and would regale them with his incredible feats, 7 00:00:47.850 --> 00:00:54.320 of his maneuverability and sleek athleticism. Though he was greatly admired for his prowess, 8 00:00:55.159 --> 00:01:00.399 the other animals of the village began to roll their eyes, gathered at 9 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:04.030 the local watering hole and listening once more to his boasts. Set The crow, 10 00:01:04.790 --> 00:01:08.030 you're a liar, hair I can fly faster than you can run. 11 00:01:10.189 --> 00:01:15.510 The animals chuckled heartily and began to heckle the hair at setuble race, barked 12 00:01:15.549 --> 00:01:22.019 the dog. The whole fairy and feathery and leathery throng moved out into the 13 00:01:22.099 --> 00:01:26.980 open air. Do you see those trees? Asked Crow. We race to 14 00:01:27.060 --> 00:01:34.129 them as quickly as possible. Mother bear will be the judge. Mother bear 15 00:01:34.170 --> 00:01:38.890 lumbered towards the other side of the clearing, turning and raising on her mighty 16 00:01:38.930 --> 00:01:44.730 hind legs, reaching tree like for the sky. Go, she shouted. 17 00:01:45.930 --> 00:01:49.519 Each competitor was determined. Looks took off an a jolt towards the old bear. 18 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:56.200 It appeared almost neck and neck, until hair, with a final burst, 19 00:01:56.640 --> 00:02:02.670 leapt past mother bear. She shrugged. Hair is the winner. Crow 20 00:02:02.750 --> 00:02:07.349 grumbled but settled to the ground to pull up a worm he'd noticed in the 21 00:02:07.390 --> 00:02:12.870 audience. It screamed in abject horror, but nobody knows what worm scream sound 22 00:02:12.949 --> 00:02:16.460 like, so they took little notice of the brutal murder. Crow's going to 23 00:02:16.539 --> 00:02:21.900 crow, you know. Hair puffed out his chest and asked if any other 24 00:02:21.939 --> 00:02:25.060 animals cared to bring forth the challenge. A minnow poked her head from the 25 00:02:25.139 --> 00:02:30.289 bordering stream. I will race you down this stream to those large jagged rocks 26 00:02:30.569 --> 00:02:35.889 below the Rickety Bridge. The first to pass the dead boy's head winds. 27 00:02:37.009 --> 00:02:42.569 The animals, surprised by her tiny Gusto, nodded in approval and once again 28 00:02:42.770 --> 00:02:46.800 the course was set, with mother bear posting up by the obliterated child. 29 00:02:47.719 --> 00:02:53.199 Once more, she raised up and shouted go. Hair beat the tiny minnow 30 00:02:53.319 --> 00:02:58.439 even in a race down stream, which, coincidentally, was not an accident. 31 00:02:59.270 --> 00:03:02.949 The Minnow was small and brave but pretty prone to cheating. She'd been 32 00:03:02.990 --> 00:03:07.509 in, forgive me, hot water with the fets before for tax fraud. 33 00:03:08.830 --> 00:03:14.180 Who else, shouted the braggadocious hair. Who else thinks they can beat me? 34 00:03:15.180 --> 00:03:23.300 A humble tortoise stepped forward. I will challenge you, hair. The 35 00:03:23.379 --> 00:03:30.090 audience gasped, some chuckled. Tortoise, were they even native to that? 36 00:03:30.250 --> 00:03:34.689 Platians? I guess that's beside the point. If that's the part of the 37 00:03:34.689 --> 00:03:38.689 story for which you can't suspend disbelief, well, I watch superman turns again, 38 00:03:39.250 --> 00:03:43.159 the bullet bouncing off his eye. Bet Yeah, and then go fuck 39 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:50.120 yourself. Anyway. Hair flashed a devious smile and, his most condescending tone, 40 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.879 laughed and said, okay, Tortoise, what is the race you propose? 41 00:03:54.599 --> 00:04:00.870 As he bounded effortlessly from rock to rock backup stream, the tortoise blinked 42 00:04:00.909 --> 00:04:10.580 slowly. Everything he did was slow. He lifted his front paw hoof what's 43 00:04:10.620 --> 00:04:15.500 that word again? Oh, feet. He lifted his front foot and pointed 44 00:04:15.620 --> 00:04:20.500 to a guillotine in the distance. The animals all gasped. What could he 45 00:04:20.620 --> 00:04:29.889 mean? Tortoise lethargically turned his head back towards the hair. I am willing 46 00:04:30.850 --> 00:04:40.480 to race, but only if you're willing to put your neck on the line. 47 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:46.519 Hair gulped, but this was no time to back down. Suspiciously he 48 00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:56.230 asked, what do you propose, Tortois? We raise from the Guillotine to 49 00:04:56.470 --> 00:05:05.269 the stump, twenty five paces out. Is that all hair? Laughed wildly. 50 00:05:06.620 --> 00:05:15.220 No, you, my friend, must be quick enough to escape the 51 00:05:15.420 --> 00:05:27.569 blade of the Guillotine, which will signal the start of the race. Ooze 52 00:05:27.649 --> 00:05:31.129 and Oz escaped the crowd and they all began to move towards the ominous structure 53 00:05:31.610 --> 00:05:36.480 of which no one knew the origins, nor had ever noticed it, despite 54 00:05:36.519 --> 00:05:41.720 it having been a mere ten frog leaps from the hook watering hole. Kind 55 00:05:41.759 --> 00:05:45.279 of a weird oversight, but it turned out to be a pretty handy prop 56 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:49.470 in this true recounting of events, Tortoise placed one set of toes in line 57 00:05:49.550 --> 00:05:54.949 with a guillotine hair slipped his head as low to the ground as possible, 58 00:05:55.709 --> 00:06:00.790 neck right in line with the blade. Mother Bear, meanwhile, at the 59 00:06:00.870 --> 00:06:05.300 stump, raised up a final time on her mighty back launches and to a 60 00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:13.379 hushed crowd bellowed drop the blade. The racers set off and the crowd heard 61 00:06:13.459 --> 00:06:18.170 the Chink of the blade. Tortoise was making good progress, as tortoises do, 62 00:06:18.930 --> 00:06:25.009 slow and steady, determined to win the race. Back at the start, 63 00:06:25.050 --> 00:06:30.129 however, Hair's dismembered head and part of his left shoulder lay unblinking on 64 00:06:30.209 --> 00:06:34.560 the ground right in front of the Guillotine. Crow let out a single cackle. 65 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:41.000 Minnow quickly swim away in horror. Several of the throng barfed on the 66 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:46.920 spot. A field mouse furiously began masturbating. He was a weird dude. 67 00:06:47.069 --> 00:06:54.990 Mother bear just licked her lips. Tortoise one that race, just like all 68 00:06:55.029 --> 00:07:00.870 the others he'd won before. Tortoise was a bit of a sociopath. As 69 00:07:00.949 --> 00:07:05.579 he passed mother bear unblinking, they made a quick exchange. She passed him 70 00:07:05.579 --> 00:07:13.420 a sack full of gold coins and he told her he's all yours. Her 71 00:07:13.540 --> 00:07:17.850 Grin was unmistakable as she picked up speech arts or prey. She was a 72 00:07:17.930 --> 00:07:25.170 sadistic old count as tortoise disappeared as suddenly as he'd emerged, and the animals 73 00:07:25.290 --> 00:07:30.920 looked on as mother bear Gord, the lifeless body. Perry, humble farmer, 74 00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:34.000 cleared his throat from the back twas the wind shut the fuck up. 75 00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:40.879 Murray. No animal knew whom had said it that. They all nodded knowingly 76 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:54.629 and shuffled away. Let's see, mother bear, when Togo, humble farmer. 77 00:07:55.470 --> 00:07:59.939 I guess that's it. Wait, did she just say the sea word? 78 00:08:00.980 --> 00:08:05.420 Nope, she said compt let's check in with Chad and see if that 79 00:08:05.540 --> 00:08:16.769 immersion therapy is still working. This is a composition by the Irish author and 80 00:08:16.970 --> 00:08:28.279 poet Richard Harris. Yes, that Richard Harris. Spring was never waiting for 81 00:08:28.319 --> 00:08:35.360 us. It ran one step ahead as we followed in the dance between the 82 00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:43.029 parted pages, and we're pressed in love's hot, fevered iron like a st 83 00:08:43.269 --> 00:08:52.269 riped pair of pants. I will recall the yellow cotton dress foaming like a 84 00:08:52.389 --> 00:09:00.820 wave on the ground around your knees, the birds like tender babies in your 85 00:09:00.899 --> 00:09:07.899 hands, and the old man playing checkers by the trees. There will be 86 00:09:09.059 --> 00:09:13.529 another song for me, for I will sing it. There will be another 87 00:09:13.570 --> 00:09:22.009 dream for me. Someone will bring it. I will drink the wine while 88 00:09:22.049 --> 00:09:28.200 it's warm and never let you catch me looking at the sun, and after 89 00:09:28.200 --> 00:09:37.240 all the loves of my life, you'll still be the one. I will 90 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:43.990 take my life into my hands and I will use it. I will win 91 00:09:43.190 --> 00:09:50.149 the worship in your eyes and I will lose it. I will have the 92 00:09:50.309 --> 00:09:58.059 things that I desire and my passion flow like rivers through the sky, and 93 00:09:58.299 --> 00:10:05.139 after all the loves of my life, I'll be thinking of you and wondering 94 00:10:05.220 --> 00:10:13.649 why Macarthur's park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing 95 00:10:13.850 --> 00:10:22.559 down. Someone left the cake out in the rain and I don't think I 96 00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:30.759 can take it because it took so long to bake it and I'll never have 97 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:46.590 that recipe again. Oh No, something seems so familiar about that story. 98 00:10:46.549 --> 00:10:50.820 By the way, it's about time we got some waterlogged baked goods on this 99 00:10:52.019 --> 00:10:56.980 podcast. Thank you for listening to her. I'm sorry, I almost forgot 100 00:10:56.980 --> 00:11:01.500 about Bridgordan full transparency. I thought that was a bit but I guess I 101 00:11:01.700 --> 00:11:18.960 was wrong. Off to the camp fire we go. DOTTY had a problem 102 00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:24.720 with daydreaming. It was such a problem that one day, while cooking a 103 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:30.799 baked potato, her mind wandered and she burned down her family home. Her 104 00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:33.710 parents were so upset at her absent mindedness that they sent her to live with 105 00:11:33.830 --> 00:11:39.750 her aunt and uncle on a farm in Kansas. DOTTY's aunt thought dotty was 106 00:11:39.789 --> 00:11:43.950 a little touched in the head and was very concerned. The farm was a 107 00:11:43.990 --> 00:11:48.539 dangerous place if you weren't paying attention. Tim One of the farm hands, 108 00:11:48.580 --> 00:11:52.340 had lost his arm in a thresher once while he was dancing to the radio 109 00:11:52.740 --> 00:11:58.820 and now had a metal arm that rusted in the morning. missed. Scotty, 110 00:11:58.139 --> 00:12:03.250 one of the other farm hands, was very slow minded and would often 111 00:12:03.289 --> 00:12:07.370 fall asleep in the corn fields, which was a blessing and a curse as 112 00:12:07.570 --> 00:12:11.129 he kept the crows away, but was almost run over by a tractor. 113 00:12:11.169 --> 00:12:16.799 Leonard, the last farm hand, was afraid of everything and would constantly say 114 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:22.000 be where were the wind to go, whatever that meant. And now her 115 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:26.279 aunt had to take on dotty. With the four of them, it was 116 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:31.389 like she was running a mental asylum. One day dotty and her dog got 117 00:12:31.470 --> 00:12:33.389 into a heap of trouble with her local neighbor, who threatened to call the 118 00:12:33.429 --> 00:12:39.830 police. DOTTY's aunt was almost to the point of saying go ahead, call 119 00:12:39.950 --> 00:12:43.700 them up on the other three as well, but she was amidwesterner and the 120 00:12:43.740 --> 00:12:48.820 kindness was always the first option. Before dotty's aunt could speak to Dotty, 121 00:12:50.139 --> 00:12:54.340 a huge twister came and destroyed the farm. When the twister had done its 122 00:12:54.340 --> 00:12:58.570 damage, dotty and her dog could not be found. DOTTY's aunt took this 123 00:12:58.769 --> 00:13:03.850 to be a blessing in disguise, but this blessing would be short lived, 124 00:13:03.929 --> 00:13:09.289 because Tim, Scotty and Lennard found dotty face down in a stream five miles 125 00:13:09.330 --> 00:13:13.799 away from the farm. DOTTY's aunt prayed a quick prayer, hoping the young 126 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:18.120 dumb girl was dead, but alas, dotty lived, although she was in 127 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:22.440 a coma of sorts. The three farm hands brought her back to what remained 128 00:13:22.519 --> 00:13:26.789 of the farm, where DOTTY's aunt took care of her. While dotty slept, 129 00:13:28.309 --> 00:13:31.789 each one of the farm hands came in and spoke to her. Scotty 130 00:13:31.909 --> 00:13:37.830 played the radio and sang her song about being smarter. Tim Came In and 131 00:13:37.990 --> 00:13:41.139 oiled his metal arm and spoke to her about how his heart had been broken 132 00:13:41.259 --> 00:13:48.100 by a girl in town. Leonard Visit and told her horribly scary stories about 133 00:13:48.220 --> 00:13:52.019 flying monkeys and green skinned women that he saw at the circus, all while 134 00:13:52.059 --> 00:13:56.490 he wished he could be braver and stay for the last of the show. 135 00:13:56.730 --> 00:14:01.850 DOTTY's aunt was stressed by the whole lot of them and kept telling Dotty to 136 00:14:01.090 --> 00:14:07.049 follow the Golden Road to heaven. One day Tim brought in poppies he had 137 00:14:07.129 --> 00:14:13.120 found in the field. The smell was so noxious that dotty's aunt threw them 138 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:18.080 out the window. Scotty stopped by with a piece of green glass that he 139 00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:22.440 found in a ditch. It's so pretty it's I think it's an emerald and 140 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:28.429 response dotty's aunt quickly took the glass away and explained to Scotty it would take 141 00:14:28.509 --> 00:14:33.429 a wizard to make that glass into a gem. Leonard Visit Again, but 142 00:14:33.549 --> 00:14:37.870 this time he talked about how scared he was of the WHENDIGO. He became 143 00:14:37.990 --> 00:14:41.779 so frightened that dotty's aunt had to throw water on him to calm him down. 144 00:14:41.460 --> 00:14:45.460 When he was splashed with the water, he yelled, Oh what a 145 00:14:45.620 --> 00:14:50.899 world and quickly ran out of the room. DOTTY's aunt was so distraught dealing 146 00:14:50.940 --> 00:14:54.370 with the unconscious child and the three numb skulls that she prayed every night that 147 00:14:54.529 --> 00:14:58.889 God would take dotty over the rainbow and into his arms. But no such 148 00:14:58.929 --> 00:15:03.009 luck. Dotty hung in there for what seemed like a week. DOTTY's aunt 149 00:15:03.090 --> 00:15:07.200 was beginning to lose her patience with the whole ordeal. She woke one morning 150 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:13.320 and took dotty's pillow and placed it over dotty's face, muttering to herself there's 151 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:18.080 no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like 152 00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:22.669 home. and rather than being smothered to death, dotty woke with a jolt 153 00:15:22.710 --> 00:15:26.549 and dotty's at quickly slid the pillow behind dotty's head and called for the farm 154 00:15:26.590 --> 00:15:31.190 hands. Dotty then regaled them all with a strange story and pointed to each 155 00:15:31.230 --> 00:15:35.740 of the farm hands, stating that they had each been there. They all 156 00:15:35.899 --> 00:15:39.259 laughed and laughed, except for Dotty's aunt, who grew ever more concerned by 157 00:15:39.259 --> 00:15:45.460 her niece's story and was worried that if her story got out, people would 158 00:15:45.500 --> 00:15:50.370 think their whole family was nuttier than if Christmas fruit cake. It so happened 159 00:15:50.450 --> 00:15:54.529 that that morning dotty's uncle, a humble farmer, had called a local chicken 160 00:15:54.649 --> 00:15:58.850 breeder, Lyman F bomb, to come take a look at his brood. 161 00:15:58.889 --> 00:16:04.360 Mr Bam also joined in the excitement when dotty awoke and was there for the 162 00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:10.879 whole retelling of dotty's adventures. Mister Baumb then went home that night and wrote 163 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:14.720 the whole story down and became a very rich man from the stories of a 164 00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:21.230 dumb, comatos child's imagination. What happened to Dotty, dotty's aunt and uncle 165 00:16:21.509 --> 00:16:26.909 in the farm hand? Well, I don't know. I'm sure they're all 166 00:16:26.029 --> 00:16:30.710 dead now, and I'm pretty sure dotty's aunt was super pissed that she missed 167 00:16:30.710 --> 00:16:34.860 the opportunity to become rich and famous, but that is a story for another 168 00:16:34.980 --> 00:16:44.940 time. Thank you for listening to down to folk. This episode was mostly 169 00:16:45.019 --> 00:16:49.169 written and performed by Aeriel chant and Brajordan. You know, the Holy Trinity 170 00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:55.450 of Blah. Distribution is still provided by the POD fix network. At pod 171 00:16:55.529 --> 00:17:00.730 fix network DOT COM. We are at d t f stories across social media 172 00:17:00.889 --> 00:17:06.240 and our website is d t f stories do coom. Support for this show 173 00:17:06.359 --> 00:17:10.880 comes from listeners like you. Visit D T F STORIES DOT COM. Slash 174 00:17:10.960 --> 00:17:15.789 support for more information. On behalf of the Ministry of augmented something, something 175 00:17:17.109 --> 00:17:23.150 and a K. until next week, Warrington, out you've been listening to 176 00:17:23.230 --> 00:17:27.430 a podcast of the podfix network. Discover more audible gems like this at pod 177 00:17:27.589 --> 00:17:32.819 fix networkcom. Make sure to catch up to the minute networks and Aigan's by 178 00:17:32.900 --> 00:17:37.700 following at pod fix on twitter, official underscore pod fix on Instagram, at 179 00:17:37.779 --> 00:17:41.259 pod fix network on Facebook, and make sure to subscribe to pod fix presents, 180 00:17:41.380 --> 00:17:45.809 wherever you choose to find podcasts the pod fix network. Artist own them. 181 00:17:45.849 --> 00:18:02.079 Love Dana. Where he's chat to? Yeah, he's it down in 182 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:04.200 a basement. And why, pray tell, is it in the basement? 183 00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:08.799 Well, Yo, Mosso Kubasa took him down in a basement. Please retrieve 184 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:14.869 chat to for me so I can update his firmware. Yeah, Musoku basis. 185 00:18:15.069 --> 00:18:18.910 I can go dino basement. Last I checked, Lloyd Warrington runs the 186 00:18:18.990 --> 00:18:22.670 show here, not Richard Cup a SA. Go now, all there will 187 00:18:22.710 --> 00:18:27.500 be consequences. Yeah, yes, Sir mess her warrant. I'll go, 188 00:18:27.900 --> 00:18:49.250 I'll go get I'll go get a Charobat. I told you not to come 189 00:18:49.329 --> here.