The Pandemic Broke My Sense of Meaning—This Story Put It Back Together

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:00 --> 00:00:30)
I'm Dustin Grenell, and this is Curiously. This month, my collection of short stories, The Healing Book, will be published by Finishing Line Press. I started writing the book in 2020 during the pandemic as a way to mentally escape from the fear and confusion of that time by crafting stories about characters experiencing self-discovery and healing. The 13 stories in this book explore several themes, like healing, meaning, and freedom.

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:31 --> 00:00:36)
But if I had to pick one common theme to represent the collection, it would be meaning and our search to find it.

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:37 --> 00:00:38)
Why meaning?

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:39 --> 00:00:42)
Like many of us, the pandemic caused me to reflect on myself and my life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:43 --> 00:00:54)
I was also in my late 30s, reflecting on who I was and what I wanted, and I realized I didn't know what I believed in. In fact, I'd lost faith in the idea of a human life having any meaning at all.

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:55 --> 00:00:56)
What's one to do after such a conclusion?

Dustin Grinnell (00:00:57 --> 00:01:04)
I didn't want to adopt a nihilistic perspective, so I looked for ways of gaining a foothold in this void of meaninglessness.

Dustin Grinnell (00:01:05 --> 00:01:20)
I gravitated to existentialist thinkers like Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, Dostoevsky, and Kafka. These philosophers and writers had a simple solution for life's meaninglessness: invent your own meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:01:21 --> 00:01:30)
Accepting that there's no meaning in life is only the first step. This realization should trigger a kind of revolt within one's soul to search for your own reasons for living.

Dustin Grinnell (00:01:31 --> 00:01:38)
So, during the pandemic, I started my own revolt and accepted that life itself has no meaning. There was only meaning in life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:01:39 --> 00:01:45)
Meaning comes from participating in life, even if you know your unique reasons are all fiction.

Dustin Grinnell (00:01:46 --> 00:02:00)
I found wisdom in Alan Lightman's book Searching for Meaning on an Island in Maine, in which the renowned physicist and author writes about a night when he turned off his boat in the middle of a lake in Maine, stared up at the stars, and felt like he was part of something larger than himself.

Dustin Grinnell (00:02:01 --> 00:02:15)
Using what I'd learned from my study of existentialism, Lightman's book, and my own personal experiences, I wrote a short story titled Searching for Meaning in the Stars about a theoretical physicist who writes a memoir about overcoming an existential crisis.

Dustin Grinnell (00:02:17 --> 00:02:53)
It felt natural to choose this one, and I hope you enjoy it.

Life is meaningless.

Dustin Grinnell (00:02:53 --> 00:03:11)
No bridges or ferries connected the 25-acre island with the lake to the mainland, which meant I had to take a boat across. Crossing at night was dangerous, even without snow. I'd done it once before, navigating by light from the only other cabin on the island.

Dustin Grinnell (00:03:12 --> 00:03:33)
But this night was moonless and fog hugged the water, making it impossible to see much of anything. I did my best to steer toward the island, but it was only a dim shape in the fog. Within minutes, I'd lost my bearings. When the boat struck a rock, I jerked forward, hitting my head on the dashboard, and toppled to the floor.

Dustin Grinnell (00:03:33 --> 00:03:38)
The boat lost power and the running lights went out, throwing me into complete darkness.

Dustin Grinnell (00:03:42 --> 00:04:01)
When I woke, I didn't know how much time had passed, but the snow had stopped falling and a multitude of stars peeked through breaks in the clouds. At that moment, I felt like I had merged with the night sky. My sense of my body disappeared and I was part of the heavens, connected to the cosmos.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:02 --> 00:04:09)
For many, such a sensation might have made them feel connected to something greater than themselves, giving their lives significance.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:11 --> 00:04:11)
Not me.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:12 --> 00:04:18)
For years, I'd had the gnawing feeling that nothing mattered, but it hit a fever pitch that night.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:19 --> 00:04:25)
In that moment, I knew more clearly than ever that I was a tiny speck in a vast ocean of blackness.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:25 --> 00:04:27)
I was insignificant.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:27 --> 00:04:29)
A blip in the cosmic play.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:29 --> 00:04:31)
It was terrifying.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:33 --> 00:04:39)
As a theoretical physicist, I had a scientific view of the world and a cosmic view of human existence.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:40 --> 00:04:48)
From my perspective, humans were just bags of particles, whirling protons and electrons governed by the physical laws of the universe.

Dustin Grinnell (00:04:49 --> 00:05:03)
A young species almost genetically identical to chimpanzees. We lived on a waterlogged planet circling a medium-sized star at the edge of a small galaxy in a cluster of thousands of galaxies among billions of even more.

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:05 --> 00:05:07)
When I finally arrived at the island, I was shaken.

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:08 --> 00:05:18)
Thinking about merging with the cosmos and how meaningless my life was, I couldn't sleep. How could I live with the knowledge if life was so short and insignificant?

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:19 --> 00:05:19)
Why go on?

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:21 --> 00:05:33)
A few days into my stay on the island, I dreamed I was in college and decided not to attend my calculus class or do the assigned homework. I was aware I was damaging my grade by ignoring the class's requirements.

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:34 --> 00:05:41)
My behavior continued, and by the end of the semester, I knew I'd failed calculus, devastating my semester GPA.

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:41 --> 00:05:46)
Yet when my grades were released by my teacher, I didn't log in to the website to check them.

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:46 --> 00:05:55)
I just carried on with my life, ignoring the matter. When I woke at 3 in the morning, I puzzled over the dream. What did it mean?

Dustin Grinnell (00:05:55 --> 00:06:02)
Eventually, I realized it was an unconscious wish. I would never have been so neglectful in real life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:02 --> 00:06:04)
I'd always been studious in school.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:04 --> 00:06:09)
But in a dream, I could do anything. But why was I fantasizing about voiding my responsibilities?

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:11 --> 00:06:17)
I reasoned that my work to demystify the laws of nature and leave an enduring legacy had exhausted me.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:17 --> 00:06:21)
The dream represented a nihilistic wish to surrender all my striving.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:22 --> 00:06:24)
There was some appeal in giving up.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:24 --> 00:06:28)
I'd never thought about ending my life, but I recognized the allure of death.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:29 --> 00:06:30)
It was oblivion.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:31 --> 00:06:35)
The instant the lights went out, all my desires and dramas would disappear.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:35 --> 00:06:39)
In a strange way, there was comfort in the thought of leaving my struggles behind.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:41 --> 00:06:43)
The next day, I called my primary care doctor.

Dustin Grinnell (00:06:43 --> 00:07:07)
"You likely suffered from a minor concussion, but otherwise, you should be fine," he told me after I explained what happened. "I think I'm having an existential crisis." The doctor paused, likely not knowing how to respond. "I suspected depression or seasonal affective disorder, but I can't confirm either based on your symptoms." "Um, what do you think I should do?" "I'd advise taking a break from work for a while.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:08 --> 00:07:19)
Our minds and bodies have ways of telling us to slow down when we're pushing too hard." Later that day, I took a stroll around the island, which was a quarter of a mile long and a tenth of a mile wide.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:20 --> 00:07:24)
Thankfully, most of the snow from the night before had burned away with the morning sun.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:25 --> 00:07:34)
As I neared the other cabin on the island, I saw a strong, stocky, middle-aged man who with a full beard and a bald head standing on the porch, his big hands wrapped around a cup.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:35 --> 00:07:40)
Mack was a local handyman and mechanic and the owner of the marina's gas station and convenience store.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:41 --> 00:07:43)
"How are ya?" he called when he spotted me.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:44 --> 00:07:51)
Usually I'd walk over and chat for a while, but my mind still swirled from the prior night's dream and the accident a few days before.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:52 --> 00:07:56)
Instead, I waved and said only, "Good morning." before continuing on.

Dustin Grinnell (00:07:58 --> 00:08:01)
At the northern tip of the island, I sat next to a spruce tree.

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:02 --> 00:08:06)
I brushed away a thin layer of snow and ran my hand through the spongy moss beneath.

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:07 --> 00:08:15)
I reflected on the conversation with my doctor and realized my problem wasn't neurochemical or even psychological. It was philosophical.

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:16 --> 00:08:20)
If I suffered from a disease, it was an ailment of the soul.

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:20 --> 00:08:21)
A crisis of meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:23 --> 00:08:59)
The religious people I knew got their values primarily from their faith, but I'd always relied on rational thinking and the scientific method to make sense of life. A scientist relied on facts, and there was no evidence to support the existence of God. While I couldn't delude myself, I acknowledged that by choosing not to believe, I had lost an essential source of guidance for navigating the complexities of the human endeavor. The science helped me explore the mysteries of the world, but they couldn't help me address the more significant questions my boating accident had raised. Why was I here?

Dustin Grinnell (00:08:59 --> 00:09:01)
What made life worth living?

Dustin Grinnell (00:09:01 --> 00:09:03)
Would I go anywhere after death?

Dustin Grinnell (00:09:04 --> 00:09:12)
In the face of these big questions, science, in all its glory, could do nothing. Science told me the hows, not the whys.

Dustin Grinnell (00:09:12 --> 00:09:28)
I knew how the Big Bang had happened. But not why it had happened. I knew how evolution occurred through the process of natural selection driven by random genetic mutations, but I didn't know why life had begun on our planet in the first place.

Dustin Grinnell (00:09:28 --> 00:09:54)
As a physicist, I'd spent my decades-long career obsessed with finding the most profound truths about the cosmos. I was no Stephen Hawking in terms of impact or celebrity, but I was a leading scientist. In my research, textbooks, and lectures had pushed the field of theoretical physics forward in significant ways. Yet now, why search for a unified theory of physics when our species may go extinct due to forces outside our control?

Dustin Grinnell (00:09:55 --> 00:10:00)
Even if we prevented our demise using technology, Earth had an expiration date.

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:00 --> 00:10:27)
It was a cosmological certainty that in a few billion years, our sun would enlarge, engulf Earth, and explode. If our species was around and escaped that catastrophe, Andromeda, the closest galaxy to our own, was on a collision course with the Milky Way. If that wasn't bleak enough, the known universe was expanding so fast that in 1,000 billion years, all the stars in our night sky would have died and gone cold.

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:29 --> 00:10:36)
If our species, planet, galaxy, and even our universe had expiration dates, Why play the game of life?

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:36 --> 00:10:41)
Why pay taxes, teach, work, or love? Why not end one's life early?

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:42 --> 00:10:49)
The next day, I brought my boat to the marina. Though I'd gotten it running after the accident, I wanted Mac to check it out.

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:50 --> 00:10:51)
"Of course," he said when I asked.

Dustin Grinnell (00:10:52 --> 00:11:07)
"I'll look over it this afternoon." "Thanks." "Everything all right?" he added before I could leave to let him work. "You seem tense." I told him about the dream I'd had, as well as an idea I'd been haunted by lately, which I'd read in a provocative book by a French writer.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:08 --> 00:11:11)
This writer says the most vital question is whether life is worth living.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:12 --> 00:11:13)
Mack's eyebrows raised.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:14 --> 00:11:23)
"In other words, whether or not we should kill ourselves?" "That's right," I said. According to the writer, answering that question is more important than knowing how many dimensions our universe has.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:24 --> 00:11:38)
From his perspective, Humans crave meaning in their lives, yet the universe is indifferent to their desires. This leads to the absurd. You've got to be careful with ideas like that, Alexander. I have a cousin who thought life didn't make any sense, that nothing mattered.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:38 --> 00:11:44)
He's now locked up in a psych ward, like the guy in that flick One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I nodded.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:45 --> 00:11:59)
The French writer warned that realizing life was irrational could lead to despair, but he also said we shouldn't stop at that insight. He encourages us to fill the resulting existential void with a psychological revolt." "What's that mean?" Mac asked.

Dustin Grinnell (00:11:59 --> 00:12:00)
"I'm not exactly sure yet.

Dustin Grinnell (00:12:01 --> 00:12:04)
I need to figure that out." Mac shook his head and laughed.

Dustin Grinnell (00:12:05 --> 00:12:07)
"I think you just need a hobby, my friend.

Dustin Grinnell (00:12:07 --> 00:12:11)
You're wound up pretty tight." I appreciated Mac's perspective.

Dustin Grinnell (00:12:12 --> 00:12:13)
Like him, I had humble origins.

Dustin Grinnell (00:12:13 --> 00:13:02)
We both came from small towns in New Hampshire where many people were self-employed. When I was tired from hours of straining my brain with equations, I sometimes romanticized Mack's quote-unquote simpler life and grew nostalgic for my hometown. Sometimes I'd even whip up a little daydream about moving back home to start a small business so I could work with my hands and fall asleep every night in a tired body. Maybe I'd meet someone I enjoyed spending time with and open a bookstore or a bed and breakfast. But alas, it wasn't my life. What I could be, I must be. I was a man of science who had the tools to discover answers to complex questions. When I returned to the marina a few hours later, Mac said, "Well, I've fiddled with a few things and everything seems to be working fine.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:02 --> 00:13:07)
Just don't go hitting any more rocks, alright?" I chuckled, "Roger that, Mac.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:07 --> 00:13:15)
And hey, if you want to come by my cabin this evening, "I'd love to have you." The invitation wasn't unusual, and I happily accepted.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:17 --> 00:13:29)
At dusk, I took the narrow path through the spruce and pine trees to Max's cabin. He greeted me at the door with a six-pack of beer and walked me into his living room. Over the fireplace hung a framed photograph that caught my attention.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:30 --> 00:13:31)
I nodded toward the picture.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:31 --> 00:13:33)
"What's this?" Max smiled.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:33 --> 00:13:50)
"It's called Earthrise. An American astronaut took that picture from a space capsule." while he was circling the moon. "You can see Earth rising above the moon's surface. Pretty cool, huh?" "Absolutely," I said, staring at the image. It was enchanting to see Earth floating in the galactic blackness.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:50 --> 00:13:58)
There was our home, a magnificent small blue rock where billions of us strove, fought, hoped, hated, and loved.

Dustin Grinnell (00:13:59 --> 00:14:16)
"It's amazing to think we're all living out our existence on this rock," I said, just trying to add purpose to our brief stay. Mac took a sip of his beer. "From this vantage point, there are no religions or nations, no Democrats or Republicans." "It makes me feel insignificant," I said.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:17 --> 00:14:18)
"That's funny," Mac said.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:18 --> 00:14:23)
"Makes me feel special." We walked out onto Mac's dock where we chatted.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:24 --> 00:14:29)
Knowing what I did for a living, he often liked to ask life's biggest questions, especially about the universe.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:30 --> 00:14:34)
"You think there's life on other planets, Alex?" he asked at one point.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:34 --> 00:14:35)
I shrugged.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:36 --> 00:14:48)
"With several hundred billion stars in our galaxy and 100 billion galaxies within the universe, the chances are certainly high." The next morning I woke up and tinkered with an equation for a few hours.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:48 --> 00:14:54)
As I ate lunch though, I decided to apply my intellect to something other than math or physics.

Dustin Grinnell (00:14:55 --> 00:15:00)
I had thought my way into this crisis of meaning, I could surely think my way out of it.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:00 --> 00:15:02)
To start though, I needed more information.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:03 --> 00:15:07)
After lunch, I picked up a book and didn't put it down until I'd finished it.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:08 --> 00:15:12)
For the next 3 weeks, I decided to take the advice of Mac and my doctor.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:13 --> 00:15:17)
I didn't do any math, instead I read books like a madman.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:18 --> 00:15:24)
I started my quest for meaning by reading books that focused on understanding death and how to think about one's life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:24 --> 00:15:26)
Knowing it had an expiration date.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:27 --> 00:15:29)
It soon became clear that humans were terrified of death.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:30 --> 00:15:42)
As an antidote, we busied ourselves in the meaning-making systems of our cultures to distract ourselves from the reality of our demise. I too had spent my entire life repressing this fear.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:42 --> 00:15:47)
After all, what was more terrifying than knowing that one day you will no longer be?

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:48 --> 00:15:57)
With the accident, however, I could no longer deny a reality and had faced the truth of my eventual demise. Facing the truth, however, came at a significant cost.

Dustin Grinnell (00:15:58 --> 00:16:00)
Without denial, where could I find comfort?

Dustin Grinnell (00:16:01 --> 00:16:23)
No doubt there was comfort in believing a higher power could answer my wishes, or I might go to a better place when I died. I'd certainly have company, as 89% of Americans believed in God and 74% believed in life after death. I was well aware albeit always amazed, that 25% of scientists at elite universities believed in God.

Dustin Grinnell (00:16:23 --> 00:16:31)
Such belief kept my religious friends buoyant in times of struggle. Yet organized religion was of no use to me on this matter.

Dustin Grinnell (00:16:32 --> 00:17:00)
If I had been a younger man, I might have tried to relieve my anxiety by binging self-help books in a desperate search for a thought leader or guru who claimed to have simple answers to complex questions. I'd learned the futility of this strategy in my 30s. No gains were associated with it, and the gurus, motivational speakers, intellectuals, politicians, celebrities, and even therapists were just as much in the dark as I was on life's mysteries, especially when they said otherwise.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:01 --> 00:17:05)
My main preoccupation that winter was to understand what gave life meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:05 --> 00:17:28)
I turned to those who had crossed this existential divide before me and who, in searching for meaning in their lives, had found a cure for their nihilism. Most of the books I read were written by philosophers and thinkers concerned with human existence. I read a book by a famous author who suffered an existential crisis and had fallen into a deep depression in his 50s after recognizing that none of his work mattered.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:28 --> 00:17:32)
In the writer's account, life seemed like an absurd joke.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:32 --> 00:17:37)
Knowing this, he felt he couldn't continue with the mundane tasks of of everyday life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:37 --> 00:17:45)
He'd finally concluded that working-class laborers seemed to live without the existential angst that afflicted the more educated or elite.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:45 --> 00:17:54)
Matt confirmed this while we were sitting around the campfire one night. "I feel bad for people like you," he said, "obsessing over stuff like the search for the meaning of life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:54 --> 00:17:56)
There's significance all around you.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:56 --> 00:17:57)
Look at my life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:17:57 --> 00:17:59)
Fixing up boats contributes to the community.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:00 --> 00:18:05)
While customers wait, I tell them a joke or story to pass the time." "And I'm on the town's zoning committee.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:05 --> 00:18:10)
And I'm even considering running for sheriff someday." I nodded, considering Mack's words.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:11 --> 00:18:14)
As I continued to read, I realized I needed a new metaphor for life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:14 --> 00:18:21)
A friend of mine thought of life as a journey, like a trek up a steep mountain along winding, sometimes perilous trails.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:21 --> 00:18:23)
I couldn't relate to that, though.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:23 --> 00:18:24)
It seemed inadequate.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:25 --> 00:18:41)
The metaphor for life the French author proposed was the myth of Sisyphus. Who had been cursed to push a boulder up a mountain only to watch it roll down again every time he reached the top. But Sisyphus, the writer claimed, had learned to find some dark enjoyment in the monotony.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:41 --> 00:18:46)
He had been cursed, but every day he had a job to do, and he did the best he could.

Dustin Grinnell (00:18:47 --> 00:19:02)
Was I not like Sisyphus? Every day the same routine: wake up, shower, brew coffee, scribble in my notebook for hours, walk, read, sleep, and do it all over again. Could I, like Sisyphus, enjoy the struggle and find some dark happiness in the monotony?

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:02 --> 00:19:04)
There were plenty of boulders to push in my field.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:05 --> 00:19:16)
Solving a complex equation was always a struggle, but it was invigorating when a problem cracked. However, this parable still didn't help me understand why I should push boulders in the first place.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:17 --> 00:19:21)
Moving on, I read books by a provocative philosopher with some exhilarating ideas.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:21 --> 00:19:31)
He created one thought experiment The Eternal Return, that urged readers to think about their life repeatedly, the same joys and pains in the same order for eternity.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:32 --> 00:19:38)
If the thought of living every moment over and over again horrified me, then I hadn't become who I was destined to be.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:39 --> 00:19:49)
Putting myself to the test, I realized I wasn't as dissatisfied as I might have guessed. In fact, I was rather content with my place in the world as a physics professor.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:49 --> 00:19:50)
And mathematician.

Dustin Grinnell (00:19:51 --> 00:20:16)
That said, if my life were to repeat endlessly, there are some changes I would make. The ideas I encountered in my reading led me to make some of those changes. First, I spoke to the head of my physics department and requested a sabbatical for the spring semester. It took some convincing, as it was late notice, but I was granted the approval. Thinking I could live in my cabin, I put my Boston apartment on the market. And within a week it was sold.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:17 --> 00:20:23)
Mack helped me fully winterize my cabin. The day I moved all my belongings into the cabin, I was filled with joy.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:24 --> 00:20:31)
I'd always admired Henry David Thoreau and his experiment living in a small cabin on Walden Pond near Concord, Massachusetts.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:32 --> 00:20:34)
Now I was making my own experiment.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:34 --> 00:20:37)
I had the solitude to read, think, and work on my projects.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:38 --> 00:20:43)
I had enough savings to live comfortably, but if I needed funds, I could teach classes at the University of New Hampshire.

Dustin Grinnell (00:20:44 --> 00:20:59)
For the following month, all I did was read, work, and walk around the island, stopping to record ideas in a notebook. I was alone much of the time, but I seldom felt lonely. Mack had become a friend, and I looked forward to his visits after he closed his shop for the night.

Dustin Grinnell (00:21:00 --> 00:21:41)
Sometimes we'd sit around a fire for hours, drinking beer and discussing whatever was on our minds. Mack liked to stargaze, so I'd bring my telescope to the end of his dock and we'd examine craters on the moon. Sometimes we'd see as far as Venus or Mars or even the moons around Jupiter. Mack was always astonished by facts about space. When I told him our planet spun on its axis at about 750 miles per hour and that Earth orbited the sun at 65,000 miles per hour, he rubbed his beard while he looked across the dark lake, lost in thought. One night, after a few beers, I told Mac about the books I'd been reading, and he offhandedly suggested I should write about what I had learned.

Dustin Grinnell (00:21:42 --> 00:21:48)
It was a strange time in my life, and the idea of attempting to make sense of it through writing piqued my curiosity.

Dustin Grinnell (00:21:48 --> 00:22:37)
With each day, I took the idea more seriously. It was spring when I felt the welling up of a spiritual revolt inside me. A revolt against the despair of knowing the universe was indifferent to my desires, and that a human life had no intrinsic meaning. The antidote, I realized, was to create my own personal significance. For me, that involved engaging in projects and activities that energized me and gave my life zest.

The field of physics had already given me these opportunities. Through my work, I expressed my unique talents and contributed to the advancement of knowledge. Perhaps, through my work, I was already rebelling against the meaninglessness. There was no outside authority or standard to confirm whether this was true. No parent, teacher, politician, or God could know what the right choices were for me.

Dustin Grinnell (00:22:37 --> 00:22:42)
It was something of a eureka moment to realize that each choice I made gave my life meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:22:43 --> 00:23:03)
For me, a life dedicated to physics was a good life. The many authors I'd read had helped me come to this realization. Thinking my experiences could perhaps help others, and knowing that storytelling and mythology had helped humans comprehend their existence for centuries, I took Mac's advice and began writing a book about my crisis.

Dustin Grinnell (00:23:04 --> 00:23:10)
All through spring, my daily routine involved waking up and writing feverishly until lunchtime.

Dustin Grinnell (00:23:10 --> 00:23:28)
The manuscript began with the bleak certainty that our species was irrelevant in the vastness of the cosmos. To put things in perspective, I included the cosmic calendar where the time span of the universe, from the Big Bang 13.8 billion years ago to the present day, was overlaid on a single-year calendar.

Dustin Grinnell (00:23:28 --> 00:23:39)
On this calendar, the Milky Way didn't form until May, our solar system only coalesced around September, and single-celled organisms didn't show up on Earth until November.

Dustin Grinnell (00:23:40 --> 00:24:25)
Dinosaurs appeared on December 24th and went extinct 6 days later. Astonishingly, modern-day humans appeared in the last second, at 23:59:59 on December 31st. Dinosaurs lasted 6 days and humans were only in their 6th second. If that didn't put life into perspective, I didn't know what could. While I walked readers through the workings of the universe, the book was also part memoir and attempted to answer the problem I'd set out to solve when I moved into the Cabin. How do we go on living when life was so brief and nothing seemed to matter? How do we expect Nabokov's description of a human life as "a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness"?

Dustin Grinnell (00:24:26 --> 00:24:28)
Writing was philosophy in action.

Dustin Grinnell (00:24:29 --> 00:24:58)
Every day I brought order to disorder by transforming personal insights and ancient wisdom into sentences, paragraphs, and chapters. Writing was similar to physics. They both involved discovery. I developed a strong belief that if I got the correct words in the right order, then perhaps I could help readers make sense out of the chaos of their lives. While I enjoyed the process of discovery in writing, it was challenging to transform vague impressions and feelings into coherent sentences and give the big mess of ideas form.

Dustin Grinnell (00:24:58 --> 00:25:06)
Yet writing allowed me to think critically about what I believed and helped me in my quest to find meaning. And I would share what I learned in the book.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:07 --> 00:25:08)
We all had to make it up as we went.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:09 --> 00:25:39)
We found meaning in our lives by discovering our own reasons for living. From this, I realized the book was my attempt at a second grand unifying theory, not one that searched for laws transcending time and space, but one encompassing the human endeavor. A guide for life. As summer drew to a close, The crisis my boating accident had sparked in my soul was resolving. My voracious reading on the meaning of life and the self-reflection I'd done was providing diminishing returns.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:39 --> 00:25:42)
I knew I had to stop reading and thinking and just live.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:43 --> 00:25:51)
One night, as we sat around the fire, Max suggested that perhaps it was impossible for humans to solve the physics problem to which I had devoted my life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:52 --> 00:25:58)
"Maybe no human can crack it," he offered. "Maybe humans are like frogs trying to understand geometry.

Dustin Grinnell (00:25:58 --> 00:26:04)
Frogs will just never figure out geometry." "Maybe the problem is beyond our cognitive capacity," I agreed.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:05 --> 00:26:12)
"How's that search for the meaning of life coming?" "I'm still unsure whether my life has meaning from a cosmic perspective," I said.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:13 --> 00:26:18)
"But it does have meaning from a terrestrial one, at the level of my local community and the people I know.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:19 --> 00:26:23)
Whether I have the ability to solve my equations, I found my work life-enhancing.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:23 --> 00:26:27)
It exercises my strengths and gives me a reason for being alive.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:28 --> 00:26:30)
Mack tipped his beer in congratulations.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:31 --> 00:26:32)
I knew you'd figure it out.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:33 --> 00:26:36)
Beyond my work, there were countless reasons to be alive.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:36 --> 00:26:39)
Friendship gave life meaning. Creativity gave life meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:40 --> 00:26:41)
Freedom gave life meaning.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:42 --> 00:26:44)
Watching the hummingbirds around the feeder was meaningful.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:45 --> 00:26:47)
That first sip of coffee in the morning was meaningful.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:48 --> 00:26:48)
Meaningful.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:48 --> 00:26:51)
An afternoon of reading in the hammock near the water was meaningful.

Dustin Grinnell (00:26:52 --> 00:26:59)
Life was so short, but these things kept us alive. At the end of the summer, I decided not to return to the university in Boston.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:00 --> 00:27:02)
I began a part-time teaching position at UNH.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:03 --> 00:27:06)
This gave me time to work on my equations and finish my manuscript.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:08 --> 00:27:26)
When I did my first reading at a local bookstore, I shared the story of the night I crashed my boat and lost myself in the stars. I explained how that incident had prompted me to retreat into solitude and find reasons for living. After the reading, several people told me the book had inspired them to find meaning in their own lives.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:27 --> 00:27:39)
After that summer, I no longer felt insignificant when I gazed up at the sky at night and lost track of my body and mind, connecting to the cosmos. Knowing I would die no longer brought me dread.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:40 --> 00:27:56)
I knew my place in the world. I cherished the brief time I had to play my part on this planet. Every day, I took my pencil and coffee-stained pages to my work desk to bang away at calculations. Perhaps I'd solve the problem and help us better understand our place in the heavens.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:56 --> 00:27:57)
Or maybe I wouldn't.

Dustin Grinnell (00:27:58 --> 00:28:01)
Maybe the problem was beyond my abilities. It didn't matter.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:01 --> 00:28:15)
I was working, participating, playing. I was alive. Many months after the accident, I worked up the guts to take my boat out onto the lake at night. The moon was out and the stars were shimmering.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:16 --> 00:28:20)
In the middle of the lake, I dropped the anchor, laid on my back, and looked up at the sky.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:21 --> 00:28:24)
Suddenly, I understood what the meaning of life was.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:24 --> 00:28:29)
Simply put, life itself has no meaning. There was only meaning in life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:30 --> 00:28:32)
Meaning came from participating in life.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:32 --> 00:28:34)
Life, even if you knew it was all fiction.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:34 --> 00:28:37)
I came up with a new metaphor for living then.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:37 --> 00:28:48)
Why not view my life and work on developing a unified theory as a sophisticated form of creative play? Why not see myself as a character in a novel, overcoming challenges in pursuit of goals?

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:49 --> 00:28:57)
It was an illusion, completely fake, but at least it was an illusion of my choosing. With this metaphor, life was a creative act.

Dustin Grinnell (00:28:58 --> 00:29:00)
A work of art from beginning to end.

Dustin Grinnell (00:29:11 --> 00:29:25)
Thanks for listening to this episode of Curiously. I hope you enjoyed this reading of my short story "Searching for Meaning in the Stars" from my collection "The Healing Book," which is available from Finishing Line Press. Stay tuned for for more conversations with people I meet along the way.