Crit Happens LIVE from Evercon: Save Lord Evercon

0:00 You can grab my thighs through my skirt if you need to. Oh God. I'm just I need more alcohol. That'd be impressive for way over there. I'm not. Charismatic and. I'll stab I. Echo. That's weird. Hello everyone, welcome to the first live recording of Crit Happens. So for those of you who don't know, we are Crit Happens. We. Are a new DND actual play podcast. Tonight's adventure is a special operation that is handled only by the most elite magical response team in the multiverse. When spells go wrong.

0:41 When Magic gets unstable, when reality itself starts rolling natural ones, there's only one team crazy enough to handle it all. They are the universal neo Magic isolation team, or as we like to call them, unit. And let's go ahead and meet tonight's players. We. Got the Dyson. There who's? First first up, he is 17 feet tall. That's you, Bob. He had two shots at dinner and he's absolutely prepared for a night he probably will not remember tomorrow morning.

1:23 Please welcome Bob O who is playing Stephen. Say. It right Stephen Uriel, Ryan Kell or Stephen Urkel. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for doing it right now. Now, Spencer. Spencer, before we start, I have to pass something on to you. Next up, his face paint was professionally applied by his wife because if he tried to do it, he would probably poke his eye out. After nearly choking on a bone tonight at dinner, we are all very grateful he's still with us tonight. Bring in Gene who is going to be playing Fizzwick Next up His Next up.

2:20 I'm about 90% sure she thinks she's at a Star Wars convention or she got lost on the way to the USS Enterprise. Please welcome Patty playing Delara Case. Patty. I like Patty. Next, fresh off his first place victory at tonight's drag show, he is the cousin of all cousins, very much smarter than I am. Please welcome Jesse. Easy, easy, easy.

3:07 That lawsuits there, dude. Next, he's dapper. He's dangerous. He's also dressed like he's trying to get a job at the bank while secretly becoming a chaos demon. Welcome in Archie playing Rowan. And finally, she's a disaster waiting to happen. Yeah. She's mean to me. She bullies me. But she also gets the full benefits. Of dating the dungeon. Bastard. Welcome in Kenzie playing Seraphin I. Just give her some popcorn.

3:53 Guys. Oh yes, and the fox around her, her now. Easy there. It's not a title there, John. It is a. Title Wrestling was two hours ago. Fantasy since he. Introduced. Her Now this is your team, the Universal Neo Magic Isolation team. Now normally teams like this would be carefully balanced. Fighters, clerics, robes. Sensible. Adventures. But not tonight. Because tonight, every single member of unit that you see is a wild magic. Sorcery. Which means I cannot begin to describe the chaos you're about to witness. So let's let chaos begin right now on Crit Happen.

4:40 Stop. Let's write this story. I don't need the allegory. Please just tell me what's real. But nothing ever seemed to be real. But she's in colours that don't exist. Painting my painting counterfeit. Bless every truth I knew just starts to twist camp from my calm. In a world like this. I've been my tongue till the words went dry. We're my old like a chief disguise. I see the truth when I close my eyes. The hardest part was a great goodbye. I'm fake the IT can masturbate. I've been lost.

5:53 Welcome into Crit Happens here on Spotify, iTunes, player.fmpoddirectory.com and live on Crit Happens dot show. We are live from ever con 2026. This is our first live show recording and we are very excited for everybody to be here tonight. Now, those of you in the audience who have not had a chance to follow us on Spotify or any of our Souls notes, seek out one of our members during the break. And also tonight we will get you signed up and followed and you'll get a free set of dice. We all know you're all dice golf. That's how D&D players work. So tonight's adventure is going to be a very strange one because like I said at the top of the show, every single member of UNIT is a wild magic sorcerer, specifically a level 8 wild magic sorcerer.

6:47 So Yep, tonight that's. The thing? Is going to be very chaotic. So how this will work is every time you cast a level spell, you will roll me AD 20. If you roll a prime number for those of you at home will your brains now exploding that would be 1357111317 and 19. So you have eight chances to wild magic surge. Now normally if you were to surge, you would roll percentiles. Now tonight, instead of having you roll your Wild Magic surges, the audience will be rolling your Wild Magic Surges tonight with the dice.

7:37 Excellent. They're rolled on dice so you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for pointing to that. Other people that didn't actually notice, I didn't have a choice. It was a TikTok buy. What do you want from me? Not sponsored. Yeah. I'm sponsored, not sponsored. Spencer, you know you're now the hardest working DM in the P3 Podcast Network. That is correct. I I have something for you. Oh God, I'm. Terrified. Oh no. This, Spencer, is a great responsibility, as you are now, you know, responsible for, you know, making sure that your your players don't stink. Is it deodorant? I I hate you.

8:18 What's actually really funny is that in my in my own backpack, I have my own personal deodorant. OK, give me that back then. Deodorant. Give me that back then. Personal. Girlfriend. Yeah, give me that back then, because, Because you know what? Because you'll stink. No, because you know what? I tried to be nice. I tried to do a nice gesture. I tried to pass my former mantle on to you and. You just shit on it, it's OK. OK, we're looking forward to making you cry, world. 'S Chinese violin. It must. Be so hard. I bet you don't get. To say that to me tonight anymore. So tonight to the special edition of What happens, you, the members of unit, will be tasked with a very special task. And it's 1 of utmost importance to this specific location you will be in charge of Low.

9:14 He's talking about. I can hear you whispering in your microphone. Yeah, I can. I can see you now. Usually we do the show on Discord. I can see you now. I'm more dressed up. Tonight's adventure Lord Ever Con, Patreon of storytellers and the protector of Tabletop Realms has been kidnapped moments before Ever Con has started. Witnesses describe masked cultists made of parchment and dice dragging him into a glowing rift behind the mainstage.

9:59 Unit Intelligence identifies the attackers as members of the Cult of the Carts. Of the what? Carts. CARPS. Like the fish? Like the fish, it is, it is. It is not cracks. Carps is a term that was taught to me and drilled into my brain by Christian Ahmed. It is a It is a name for the newest members of the gaming club, the cops. The cult of the Carps is an interplanar faction that believes stories and games should always have an end. And if they succeed tonight, all campaigns, all realms, collapse into silence.

10:48 You are the emergency response team being deployed to the realm in which Lord Evercon has been taken. He has been taken into a story fracture. Now you must stop the cult from completing a ritual called the Final Page. Are. There any questions so far before I go any further?

11:32 This is Jesse, my hands up. Yes, I can. I can see you. I was. Telling the microphone. OK. No, Sir, not yet. Do you have any other inside information on leaders? On eaters leaders leaders give me an insight check. Leedle, leedle, leedle. There's parchment at the can you find? Outside, I don't know. Do you have? Insight 1717 OK, you know that the leader of this cult goes by the name High Edict Maldict Dicta Dick.

12:18 High eater Dick. He got it now. Oh man, I'm so glad you. Said that I was about. To. Dick. No, Sir. Wait, who should have brought your giant hammer to give to Kyle? I'm writing it phonetically. Phonetically. Yes, so I write. Do you even know how to spell that? Yeah, High Eater Maldict. Yes. In honor of Orban, who is not here tonight, can I whack him? Him sure, give me an attack roll. Maybe she had somebody from the. Top Oh I got him that 20 can I whack him son?

12:59 Of. A bitch? Yeah. Where do you whack him specifically? In the back of the freaking head like. OK, slap. Yeah. Except you go to Gibbs, slap him. But you hit him so hard. How? Much damage do I take? That. It's an unarmed attack from a wizard, a sorcerer, Sorry. Yeah, well, she hit him pretty God damn hard. What's what's shopping grass do? Six damage. And you take 6 damage as he she clonks you in the back of the head and you go face first into the floor. What? Was that really? Was that really necessary? Oh my God, I can't take you seriously with your glasses. I. Can't take you seriously, ever. So shut up. I.

13:39 Hate this. Character already. No, Sir. All right, so you are given the information that you must travel to the land of Encouraged Fate and you know that the entrance to this realm, for those of you and I should have explained this world is built around the world of Varelios, place of my own mind. You know this to be within the echo fields and memory wastes which you are currently located in.

14:24 So it's only about 1/2 day's travel to get there based on information you've received from the Scale Bound syndicate. Were you asking a question or were you doing a hoenown? I was going to point. At the map because people don't know where the memory waste and stuff are. I don't think these. People, yes, for those of you in the audience, memory Wastes and thank you Sir, the echo fields and memory waste want to hold that up. It's located right here, this big old purple island right there. So that's where unit headquarters are because they specialize in. Really. Really shitty magic. So thank you Sir. You've earned your pay today, So what do you like to do? A.

15:16 Drink right and tonic in. English wheel what? Would you guys like Wheel? Wheel. Seraphin's doing nothing. I I mean, we would need to travel there. Oh. My God, right? I think I'm giving Core Spencer an aneurysm with my. Voice. You want to talk a little bit louder there, Urkel? I think I'm giving you an aneurysm with my voice. I've known you for 12 years. You've given me many. You know me a lot longer than 12 years, butthole. It's felt like 1200 easy there. Right. So I assume that you will travel on foot as I hear no other ideas. Guys, I'm not a regular.

15:57 Can you, you know, pick it up a little? Bit are there any? Are there any places we might pay for a wagon or a heart or something to use? Sure. Cow. Yeah, you can use the local cow. Cow ride, Honey cow. Sure. In conventional travel, I'm not looking for a horse. I'm looking for a cow. OK, give me an animal handling check. I don't. Know if I'm good at that? We know, I believe. So. Yeah, I got a 10. That cow kicks me square in the chest. That's. Average. No, you walk into the cow and the guy sees you kind of messing with the cow and.

16:41 Don't say messing, that sounds dirty. I'm petting the cow. There's a difference. So as you're heavy petting the cow, he looks up at you, kind of tails his head and then just starts walking away from you. Is that? A cow. Pretty sure that cow was dying. It's a very sick cow, mad cow I don't want. The cow. Wonderful. The the the, the stable owner says that that cow was very sick.

17:21 He's very sick. Many. Horses do. You have any? We have many horses. Are they equally sick? Can I have it? You can't have it, but I will. We rent it. Sure, but what guarantee do I have that you return the cow? The thought? What's the thing with the legs? The horse. In that case you have an insurance. Cost do we have? Yeah, we're we're sponsored by Progressive. OK, so. Yeah, we. Have horse insurance, I swear. We'll bring it back and when we do 5 gold. He looks down at your skirt and he goes, Are you, it's your character, a man or a woman? Technically they them.

18:05 I ran right into that one head first. OK, so they looked out at your your shirt. I haven't seen your character sheet. Audacity. So your character so your the same owner looks at you and he's like 5 gold. 10 if you give us a a wagon. Give me a persuasion check. I'd rather roll deception because I'm alive. Can I offer him my scorpion staff? It's it's a staff with a live scorpion.

18:46 Like, glued onto the top he goes. What are you, a scorpion? Not alive anymore. What? I. Got it from the Cobalt. What's his name? Jafar. His name was. Spurt. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, it was a cobra. You're correct. His name was Eddie Spurt. So I bring out the the 20. 7 on my deception. Scorpion staff and smack it down to the ground and the sport Scorpion is like swinging around. It's failed during the stab. OK, we'll get back to you in just a second. What the fuck did you roll? I got a 27 on my deception. What did you roll? Natural. 19. OK, that makes much more sense. It's like, yeah, OK, yeah. He you know what he's like. He looks at your skirt and he's like, you know what, 3 gold and it's yours to keep.

19:31 Yep, when we return it. No, you can keep it. And he just keeps looking you up and down. Yeah. I'll give him 3 gold. OK. You take 3 gold off your I have. A question. I thought you were throwing something at me, I looked at. Like can I roll a sleight? Of hand did you take? 3 gold. Just let me roll a sleight of hand. What the hell, go for it. Oh. No, that's a cock die. See. Look at it. Look at it really bad at this then. So you hand me. Thank you. That's cock Die what? The hell just happened? See, I see that try. To see this I. Know it's not an 18. No, I got a it's. Totally an 18, right?

20:13 It's beautiful, fantastic. So what is it? Well, it was really poor because you saw me do it. I didn't see it was. Hot it was legitimately. Got this one but don't roll it. On this, yeah, it was legitimate. Yeah, don't roll it on the valley of paper that you have it. Was 6. I just wanted your mice you. You should give this to her for that just. No, we. Oh no, it was. It was a ploy. It was a ploy. I get it now. So with the six as you go to, I assume you're trying to pickpocket the three gold? No, I just wanted your mics continue. So wait, you were rolling a sleight of hand on me, correct? Yeah, which clearly worked. It was not hard ladies.

20:58 You hold the 2 you didn't see shit the whole. Time and. You loved it. Oh my gosh. Anyways. Painting like don't peppermint, it doesn't taste like pine needles. God. So we got the horse. You got the. Horse with the whip, my alcohol. Fine. And my scorpion stuff did. He get the whip. Yes, I'm sorry, I completely lost track of your scorpion stuff. It's just sticking in the ground right now, like I whacked it down hard enough that it's just look in there. I'm curious. The scorpion is. Totally what it's like give me.

21:40 An athletics check. This is a long time to do anything. This is how it goes a few people all the time. That found this. Oh, not within, not within striking range. Right into the right, into the Yeah, Brown to ghost trying. To get. Out. You're just leaving it there. I offered it to him. Is he like? No, he got 3 gold for it. He's. Kind of just in the. Back looking at them really mostly. With the mics, I'm just going to like walk away from it like. Have it. OK. So I assume that then you'll. Getting ready to take. I'm going to get in I'm. Going to I'm going to make this wagon move. Get in the.

22:22 Wagon. Yeah, get in the. Wagon. Is there a wagon? There's a wagon. That a horse. Drawing it, everybody. In I'm doing good. I'm in. Everybody give me. Everybody give me a. God, I'm going to fail this. You watch. You're in a straight that's. You're in and set too. Oh, we're in and set 20. 2. Who rolled? Who rolled lower than A7? I didn't. Have to roll out no I. Mean, she said she. Was in a long time. Ago. Oh, OK. Was the first person to say I got it. What kind of check is? This five, OK. What kind of check is this? You got 9. Duck dice, why do you betray? I'm trying.

23:04 Will you please tell me what kind of check? Jesus Christ, a straight. Decks check. Oh, a straight decks check. OK, cool. I think I'm in at 22 you. Know what I thank you if you. Keep talking in that voice I might actually keep. Up. No, he's got to do it the entire he's got to stay in the bit. Oh, why not? All right. You guys are all good down here. I got 9. OK, you got 9 I'm. Just really. Mad with A5 suspenders. Bag of mine. He starts to take, they start to take off on the my house with the wagon and the horse and it starts to go without you and you're just kind of running along next to it. And you kind of like jump towards the wagon and instead of landing kind of like on your feet and grab the wagon and kind of pull yourself up. You hit the the ledge of the wagon face first into the into the wagon. Am I going to lose a tooth?

23:52 Well, probably one house rule that we have here with crit happens is called exploding dice. None of you know what that is. Anytime you roll either damage or healing, if you roll the Max number of whatever die you are rolling, you roll again. So, so far you've taken 6 damage. Jesus Christ. That's 12 so far. Oh. No. You need to take this dye away from me. Can I use some power to juice? I allow you to at least have the opportunity to cushion her fall. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I've really cushioned it. Give me acrobatics.

24:33 Check. Oh my God. Oh, that's not bad, actually. OK. So did I kill? 1414. Yeah, I'll stop at 12:12. And you, you hit and you kind of like scrape your forehead across the the. Wood. You've got splinters and. Just not. Believe yeah, you're scorpion yourself into the. Oh, I have. That staff. Should have kept the staff, yeah. Meanwhile went out surfins in the back of the trailer laughing her ass off at you. That's another fairpoint. None of us really know each other as characters. We're just part of the same. Correct you. You are a science force. Correct. So we have no. Allegiance. To each.

25:13 Other. Or. To each other I I would like to try and clean her wound with my tweezers and take all the squats out. Yeah, give me a medicine check. Absolutely. As you're doing that, one thing we like to do is on a day's travel, have a random encounter. On this, however, we're going to leave it. What did you roll? Die roll the six. The splinters start to go a little bit deeper into your into your head. Oh, did I do that Three damage? This is what he gets to keeping me up past my bedtime, folks. Yeah, it's way past your bedtime, old man. Each brother's sleep.

25:56 Been up since 2:00 AM. Yeah, but you were on a plane that. Was on a plane. So what we'll do for this? We are most likely going to skip the travel encounter for time, however, just to be safe. Josh. Don't get your microphone thing. I won't. I'm not right to him. Or the Doctor Pepper. Go ahead and give that a roll if you roll A2 or A1. Oh, that's good at least. It's going to be not so great for them, so go ahead and you can roll that way, whatever you want to do audience roll. Here we go. All right, so you were 13. Yeah, lucky number 13. Thank you, Josh.

26:38 My. Friend, we all surge. What was that? That's a prime number. We all surge. Yeah, it's a prime number. You all surge. No, I'm just kidding. All right, so. Kind of afraid to be honest. You will arrive I'm. Going to take a long rest first. You have literally like an hour and a half oh right there. When did Sarah? Take a long rest and Lord ever comparisons. Because they. I speak poo and who speaks celestial, really. I do. Mages. I like that. For you, well, I like that. For me, I know. What I speak? My other character speaks like 8 languages. This one speaks too. I'm pretty sure I'm kind of stupid. So you will arrive.

27:21 I hate you at a shimmering bluish purple rift in space. Like. It's a rift in space, This. Diamond spit it's. Like, like, can we see? Oh yeah. Quite clearly this this. Which of us has the? Worst con save. I mean, we all have proficiency in. It can we see laying do. We What's your con save? I have a + 1. +2. OK 5 Jesse.

28:01 Mine's 8. Eight, you have a + 8 to a same, yeah. OK, plus. 66 Patty. Oh my con my con is 5. Hold on, I'm going to Vortex Warper into that rift. OK, what level spell is that 2? Breathe. OK, So what? My con is 5. Oh yeah, yeah. We're at the green then. Are you going to tell me? Are you? Going to like so. He, he's got you have a + 5. Yeah, he's got +10. He's plus one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You. It's you. All right, so go it. What are you doing, Vortex? Vortex warp OK. Oh God, he's chaotic. I can't do. That oh, it didn't update all.

28:43 Right, you magically twist space around another creature you can see within range. Target must succeed on a Constitution saving throw. You may choose to fail the role or you are teleported to an unoccupied space of your choice that you can see within range. The chosen space must be on a surface or in a liquid that can support the target without the target having to squeeze. You are casting this at oh at second above second level. OK, so go ahead and give me AD 20. Do I need to do that now or do we do the spell first? What?

29:25 Do you guys think should we do the spell first or should we do wild surge first? I think it's good to know what the effect is first. Spell all right. See I think so I need to make a concept you. Yeah, you may choose. To fail if you wish full chaos. 16. Save DCI. Don't know, I'm trying to figure it out. Man, that's not loading. No, you've drank 90% of it. You might as well drank the rest of it. No, you get the last. Sip. Oh, thanks. You get the back part, you get the part of that. Work, Kyle, everybody. Hey, you can keep. The damn drink. There it goes. All right. 1919. You fail the same, so you are going to get all of a sudden you feel this warm. One of us has to go first.

30:14 You say that to her as she's just kind of being enveloped in this rift in space and you just disappear. What the fuck? Like right and then right at the opening of that rift to hopefully be sucked into the rift. Yeah, Yep. I assume that I was. I assume that's where you were. Going to that's where I was. Going yeah so she just gets sucked right into the into the warp yeah go ahead and roll your wild magic surge 19 oh boy so for tonight's. 2nd 19. That is. So for tonight's Wild Magic, we have a specialized table using both of the dice.

30:59 Where is the other dice? Cool, who would? Like to roll the wild magic surge? Come on up. Bob, you can't look grab. The purple one on your way there too. We'll give you that one. You're going to roll 2D20 I guess. Star Anyway, it's fine. Come on. All right, come the second roll. All right, First roll is going to be a 1313 and a six, so that's a 19. Funny everybody, everyone at the table this is. Poetic. Poetic. Yeah, 19 on the surge after rolling the 19 for the surge. Everybody, on your next die roll, whatever it is, you will subtract 3 from that.

31:50 Row. I have the lucky feet. Should I do? Those OK, I'm. Sure. I would like to insight. I would like to insight like why the hell you do that? Sure, give me an inside check. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to take my -3 right away. OK, fucking Dick, would you roll? It it would be a 12 + 5 S. 17 -, 314 He's a Dick. I'm sorry, they're a Dick, correct? You'll thank you. You're welcome. You, Sir, are very rude. Someone had to go first. I I would have. Now you don't have to. You're. Welcome, Jesse their. Gender.

32:32 You person, whatever. I'm going to push him into the OK go. Ahead and give me a strike check. Can I catch fireball? As we do. It can I booming blade a push. No come. On, but you're pushing him into the portal. He's pushing Mr. Urkel. How far away are they? About 10 feet can. I cast fireball into the. Fireball. As he does it. I'm on the other. Side bitch bitch, my voice is not that annoying. I'm going to die in the 1st 5 minutes. We're going to put two of them in there and then remove the portal. Yeah, right. And that's the end of the show. Thanks for everybody.

33:15 Yeah, I mean, you spoke the words so. Yeah, we'll. Start with the push. I want to know his his role first so I can know how I want to use my lucky on him. Bab. Strength. Yeah, Yeah. OK. Just go ahead. What did you roll? I want to. Hear you speak the words. I rolled A5. There you go. You got 12. OK, you successfully pushed me. All right. Jesus. Christ, who sang fireball? Was it Flow Rider, Fireball. Pitbull. Thank you very much. Yeah. I mean, you cast fireball. I'm going to counterspell it.

33:58 As. I'm falling through the rift. Yeah, it'll, it'll happen simultaneously. So I'll, yeah, I'll, I'll allow it. That's two surgery. I'm I'm aware. We'll get to that. Trust me. Oh God, we're all going to die. I'm. Glad. You honestly may be the safest person here so far. OK, we'll start with Fireball. Go ahead and roll me AD 20. 18. That is not a prime number. All right, Counterspell. 17. All right, see it. Who wants it? Let's roll. Come on up. There you go. All right. Let's do it.

34:40 Go and roll the grab ball to him. Yep. Now if this is a combination of 17, I think we should roll again because that's poetic also. If if it happens, I'm giving everybody in this room don't touch, it can't happen. Well, that's a 39. Six and a 969. Great. All right. Six and a 39. Oh, it's a nine total. I thought it was a nine and a nine. OK, so 9 in total. RDM ladies and. Gentlemen, all right. Are. You. So you're standing currently, right? Really. In the Rift? As I'm falling through the rift I see him casting the fireball like. No.

35:23 So as you catch counterspell on fireball, you can you can see the heat just kind of building in his hands. And as you just kind of let loose your counterspell, it dispels it and blows everyone back 30 feet. Everybody give me a an athletics check except you and you. I have. Full ink everybody except Bob and. Patty, just so you guys know this one's. I don't care everyone I've got. A zero? You got a 0X for zero. It's not going to go well for you, my friend. Wait, athletics or acrobatics? Athletics.

36:06 Or choice? I'm sorry, we'll do athletics or acrobatics. Your choice. RT Does that help you at all? 6. Immensely. All right, who rolled below a 10? Nope. I got 25. I got 10. What are you? What are you, Spider Man? OK, 3. Did you take your -3? Did you take your -3? I didn't. 21 OK. Why did I do that? It didn't help. Well, I suppose you got to use it anyway. I got 10. 10:15 And I'm taking that as. Three I I I call you bro. All right, so everybody except Archie kind of does that like hero pose, like you hit the ground as an Avenger. Archie, on the other hand, Rowan. Blow over.

36:51 Well, you're going to get blasted back and then you're kind of kind of kind of like land on the back of your head. You're going to take 54 stamps all. Right. Is this portal magic? Yeah, it's magic. Be a shame if someone dispelled magic while they were in there. Oh. My God. Wait a minute, you said two people through the portal, now you want to dispel magic and just. Be a shame if you try, if you. Yeah, you're not here. Take a rest on your voice there, Urkel. All right. Yeah, I don't know here. That's fine. What's everybody else doing except Patty and Bob? I'm going to get up and dust myself off and then run and non magically jump into. The portal I'm doing.

37:33 All right. Yeah, cool. Everybody else runs in. Yeah, Running in, running in. I'm going to chase him medicinely. I'm imagining you're going to do like a blue Skadoo kind of thing. Blue Skadoo weekend too. OK, so everybody runs into the portal. I'm not going to make a check for it because God help us all so. God, I'm such a chaotic player. I love it. This is what makes you perfect for a unit it. Really is. Perfect. So the air tears open like a page being ripped from a book. You feel the pull of the rift and before you you can even see the world on the other side. The sense of parchment and ozone rushes past you as the portal widens, swirling with fragments of glowing symbols, half written words in the distant clatter of dice striking stone.

38:23 The ground beneath your booth. Booth. Never con. Booth Boop. Boop. Is it a hard bug? Booth. I'm sorry, what? Is that a hard bug? That you're saying? I don't know what this is anymore. Apparently the ground beneath your boots is not stone, not earth, but the flat face. The flat face of a massive dye. It's carved numbers glow faintly beneath your feet. Around you, the landscape stretches into a jagged range of impossible geometry. Towering cliffs of crystallized the 20s rise into the sky. Floating platforms drift lazily through the air, each one a different dye face suspended over a dizzying drop. This is the dice fall mountains of ever con sounded. Like Pandora?

39:12 So we can't use that. This place is made of paper. This place is made of. Parchment. Oh, hold on. Resin. Parchment resin, yes, little bit of metal. So it's flammable. Oh God. Correct. Please don't make me waste my other counter spell. Every few seconds, somewhere in the distance, a thunderous clatter echoes across the valley as a Titanic die roll. As a Titanic die rolls across another against another. Excuse me, Shifting the terrain like tectonic plates of earth. Far below, tiny wooden figures scramble through villages carved into stacked board game boxes.

39:57 A massive knight astride a walking chess Rook marches across a distant Ridge. It's metal banners snapping in the wind. But something is wrong here. The sky seems to be churning with unstable magic. Dice tumble endlessly throughout the clouds, and arcs of wild energy leap between the mountains like lightning. Ahead of you, on a broken plateau of floating dice platforms, hooded figures gather around a glowing tear in the air. Their robes are stitched from scraps of parchment, an ink stained script.

40:38 Strange symbols flicker across their hands as they chant in a language that sounds like the turning of pages. This is the cult. Of the carps. How far away are they? Currently they are approximately as they're kind of below where you are currently they're about 150 feet away. Perfect. 100 feet. 150. These are bad guys, right? So he successfully cast fireball into this, so wouldn't I be get? No, he did not he. Did not because. He counted, yeah. I counters. I successfully countered.

41:21 Everybody else just got messed up. I mean, we can certainly let Fireball go. Oh, thank you. I. Mean it is going to go off, just not there. We believe the the cult to have abducted Lord ever con. As far as you are have been made aware by unit intelligence, correct? Is do we see Lord ever con? Sorry, what was that? Do we see Lord ever con? Sorry, what was that? Do we see Lord ever con? No, you do not. I'll tell you what, give me a give me a perception check. Sure, I I can absolutely do that. Nat 20. I'm going to make him re rule. That.

42:02 Really. Yep. With what? Lucky. Well fine then how does a 14 + 216? Sounds like you can't see. Pretty good, yeah. You probably would. No, you can't. See Lord Abercon. OK. You do not see Lord Abercon. All right. I got to burn one of my one of my lucky. 'S so one question do we know? In fact, the things below us are like the enemies, right? Jesus? Christ, as far as the description that you've been given by unit intelligence, these this is the cult of the Carps. OK, which I cast fireballs I.

42:48 Think we're about to do the exact same thing. Are they standing on what we believe to be parchment? No is parchment. No, in the distance. They are made of parchment. No, they are. They seem to be made of parchment, is what he said. With their made of parchment. Better. I like it. I'm going to twin a fireball. I could twin too. Wait, can we both twin? Twin. Yeah. Hold on, What did I take? No, I took. Oh, no, I also took Twin. Yeah, I'm also going to twin a fireball. 6 fireballs. Can. I get in on this. I've also got. You also have good so you have 8.

43:28 Oh you're gorgeous. Wait, that be 6 times. 2 Because that's 8 fireballs. You're doing it too? That's 8 fireballs. Do you have quicken spells? I I have quicken spell. I'm regretting everything. You gave me power. Balls I don't. See everything? You. Have to give it a. While here, hold up. All right, stay for. Me, I might actually have enough. Dice on the ground. Yeah, I'm getting my D sixes. You're not going to need butter.

44:09 Spells I have Quicken. I'm aware that you all have meta magic. See, I've built three of these characters myself. Yeah, it was your big cake. That's why I had you make them, because you build it better than me. OK, so. I'm going. To regret saying this. I don't see your spells anywhere. I'm spell less. Oh, you have? A You have fireball. You got mail? With. No. Oh wait, there's more pages. Oh, there is. You just have to hand them to me. You have fireball. Now I was like, I know you have fireballs there. That's 10 fireballs I.

44:52 Don't want to mean anything. Is that it's 10. Fireballs. You've. Never. Seen The Terminator 2. Yeah, it's 5. No, I'm aware of what's about to happen here. We have to be 6. Yeah, it's like that times 10. Why is there a IS? That. A. Does it die on the ground over. There because I was getting my 16 D sixes. OK, I don't want to and you? Spilled AD 20s. I spilled a lot. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. All right. Hey, Bobo, everybody. Hey, good. God, yeah, I said that. I'll break for that. Yeah, hey.

45:33 All right. So I I guess we'll go. I would like to point out one of us travelled 420 miles to be here. One of us has been up since 2:00 AM and he's just a baby. What are you talking about? Oh, he's been up since 2:00. I was like, what are you talking about? We're dead asleep by 12:30. 20 miles. He's been up since 2:00 AM and he's just a Boo. Excuse me, you encourage this character? Are they from each other? I don't know. Why they form? They're forming a circle with a circumference of about. 2020 feet radius. Are they within 20 feet of each other? Yeah. No. I mean, we got 8 fireballs. Let's be real, we're going. To yeah, that's if you oh. We got 10. If the they're. Going How many of them are there?

46:17 Give me a perception check, I'll. Take my should I help? What's your passive? I don't know, like 15 or something I'm. Going to need your real perception. You're about 150 feet away. Exactly 100 and. 50 feet. Does it count if I caught it down a 20? No. Not try though. I got a Nat 20 per percent it. Does my Nat 20 count? Man. Why didn't he roll the same numbers all the time? All the time. Because you 2 are like one of the same person. There appeared to be in. Total approximately 50 of them. 50 of them. How far apart like?

47:00 After 10 fireballs, how many of? Them, yeah. We hit with 10 fireballs. How many of them aren't going to be immediately incinerated? I mean they are paper. Who else has fireballs? Everybody has. Fireballs. Is this kind of a surprise? Round I love this spell. Yeah, this will absolutely count as a surprise round. Let's roll initiative. Well, hold on. Let's finish our surprise round. Yeah, you'll get there. OK. OK, everybody go ahead and roll initiative. Yeah, OK. I. Don't know where. I have to do not have fireball. Thank. God Nope. Oh well. I've got Dragons. That's. Another 19 I.

47:42 Bless. That you. Made it go to a 2, that's better. Oh I got 17. Wait I have to lie 27? I don't get math. I can't. Oh, dear Lord, have mercy. All right. Well, I mean, I don't know why I'm taking. It I think you mean, dear Lord, never. Come 4 seconds. Have mercy, Mercy. Or the Galaxy backpack. Have mercy on dear Bob. Can't see him, so we don't know where that man is. Hold on, what? If one of them is Lord ever come? Go away, wait too late. It happens. I mean did. You say credit. Happens. OK. We'll go down the order 20 not.

48:25 20. Seven. I got 23. Jesus Christ. You know I'm quickening another fireball after this. I'm just throwing this out here. This is just our unit characters. If you listen to our regular podcast, we're so overpowered it's kind of stupid. This is just normal stuff. 201918171615. 15. 1414, 13. It's me. I'm the problem. It's me. God I should counter. Smell one of you 12 to 11. How do you cross a leg? 10 legs on skirt, 76 Hold on. Is that everybody with my mission? Shorts under it.

49:07 You can just kind of go, oh, thirteen. Sorry, 13 you are. Dad, you it's. Pretty close. You and I are. Patty and Kenzie, who's got the higher decks? Oh. I've got +2 as well. Fourteen. Yeah, I got 14 + 2. Wait, is it same? Is that fair? Yeah, we're getting the same decks. I'm going to try. Yeah, I'm going to make you 2GO on the same initiative. All right, hold. On what'd you roll? What was that? What did he throwing? Not. A prime damn. All right, we're going to start with Jesse. Again, how many can like?

49:47 How far apart are they they're I assume they're on one of these floating plateaus. Fireball. It's got a 20 foot radius. What you all don't know is that Spencer is currently looking up exactly what he needs to not lose everything in one. Go they're they're about 21 feet apart. OK, so I'll hit 49 of them. The one that's standing over there, he can live. Oh, he's so graciously allowed to live. Wait. Wait, what about like the what's that? What's that where like the backdraft where like pulls you in? You know what? I'm going to target 1 here and one here, so I hit 49 of them twice.

50:33 Sorry, 48 of them twice and two of them once each they're. Going to be like ow, oh, you're. All dead I sick death. Death just happened. I'm not even going to make you guys real damage. Go ahead and. Get 62 damage. I broke your pen. I'm very sorry. I got it caught on my ring and it broke. Yeah, yeah, they're. Spencer's a dirty pen breaker. They're. Up there, No, they're not. These are the microphones. I don't know where the balls went. They're here. So she wants the.

51:14 Balls. Who gets to roll next? Is it? Gene, we're not even. Rolling. I don't know. I would talk. To you say it. All right, so here's The thing is I'm because you are you're who's doubling the fireballs. We're all. Doubling there's. 10 fireballs. There's ten of them. I need you to roll well, not you roll. 100 and something. Damaged. I'm going to need somebody took. One of our. I'll do it. Do you want to roll 10 Wild magic surges? Oh no, we we should spray it out so. Everybody starting with Jesse. Starting with Jesse, I need you to roll 2 D 20s. Jesus wept. What's that? I'm rolling 60D6.

51:54 You're literally buttoned. Go ahead. Go ahead and take an inspiration for that. Wait, I'm going. To go around 2, I mean that's. All right, so that's one wild magic surge so far. Oh, are you doing that? Yeah, I'm going to lucky on my first one that wasn't a prime. OK, 7. I hate my life. OK, two wild magic surges. Gene, go ahead and roll me two D 20s. OK, that's. Hang on one. 5 and a two.

52:37 That's a really shitty roll, that prime number. That's not. Thank you. I wasn't very good at math. OK, you. Named all the prime numbers at the beginning of this on the top of your head. It was on my script all right. Wait, what was your second roll? OK, it's fine A. Two, I'm going to lucky. How many lucky points do? You have, I have 3. That would be your third one and you've literally you haven't even gotten to the main part yet. Out of yours, I'll use one of my luckies. I forgot I gave. You I have halfling luck. 15. Not all right. So all right, Bob, go ahead and roll me two D 20s. 11:00 and 12:00 there's. Another one all right, Archie.

53:19 16 and 20. Neither I am. However, I am going to say with your natural 20 that the magic kind of stabilizes around you and will remove one of the wild magic surges all. Right. Patty and Kenzie, I need 2 D 20s right now at the same time. Baby, you're going to go roll the big ones, aren't you? No. I'm not. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, I can't let the dinner. You have two. D 20s. I, I what are you doing? All right. All right, 123 go. Two and a six. 12 and a three. Hey there we.

54:01 Go count. I just really wanted to use that cool dice tower. And I'm all right. I need a member of the audience to come up and roll 2 D 20s. Thank you for four times. She needed a babysitter. Who wants to come up and do it? Get up. Here. Get up here. Come on. Roll dice. Roll dice. Roll dice. All right, roll those two D 20s. Yeah. Anybody else? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Let's. Everybody can roll 1. Don't we have to do like 3 rounds of this? Four of them, actually. 4 OK. All right, all right, go ahead and roll. We're. Going to do it four times? Go ahead. One. I like it. 56.

54:42 I like it go. Ahead and roll again. No, you're out of luck. Yeah, he used. 10 he used. One good number, good number, good number. Double 20 Double. 20s we're. Not playing whammy 1717. All right, go again. Oops. Come on, Double 20s. Double 20s is not going to be good for you guys. I just got to stay there right now, 12. And. 20. 4/24/24 All right, one more time and they helped. Make it big. They. Helped. 60. Yes, 17. We'll call that one touch 6. 23 All right, All right, Thank you very much, both of you. Thank you very much. Just to make sure that just to proof that this is not scripted and not what happened, my assistant Kyle, go ahead and read number six on the Wild Magic Surge. Fireball arrow spell the last don't catch the music cast. Again at the same target.

55:44 With no. Slot lost. I will do a head rule miss wild magic surge. That's a 30. I just realized this is probably really loud in my microphone. I'm sorry. That's fine. I'll be. I'll be able to cut it down all right. 17. All right, have any of you used sorcery points yet? Technically everybody who used Quinn spell did. Yep. If I get them back. How many sorcery points would put all of you up to full? I mean I. You would need all 33. Twins 3, right? It's twin three, yeah. OK, Everybody will go ahead and retain 3 sorcery points.

56:28 Man, talk about costing nothing to do something. All of those fireballs happen again. No, just the last. One the one person that passed it. Sorry. In which case that. Was. Very no. Then the whole realm is going to go up in flames 10 because we've already had 10 fireballs, which is about 12 more than I was hoping for in the 1st 10. Minutes. Just wait. When we when we get to the boss, there'll be 10. More Can you rule 66 D 6 please? All right, all of you do. It. As Bob, No.

57:08 Shut up. Yeah, as Bob, you cast your fireball, you all of a sudden, all 5 of you, all six of you move 30 feet forward. Oh, guess. Wait a minute, is that off the? Ledge No. I wish. Oh thank God, how far would? It have. To be off the ledge. Like 75 feet. How close are we to the ledge? 75. Feet next. Push somebody off the ledge with 35. Feet. All of you gain mirror image for one minute. Cool mirror image. For a. Minute. There you got it. Finally, my unfortunate 30 of it. Like the effect of it?

57:56 Is everyone of you For the next hour, grow the most magnificent beard you've ever seen in your life. Yes, I've always wanted. One hour sweet beard, this is. One hour, sweet beard. All I can think of is that song from The Greatest Showman. Hold on. This is the greatest beard. No, but my mirror image doesn't have a beard because I got the beard. After. Yes, however your mirror image almost in in an attempt to look as tool and magnificent as you does that kind of like noise where it's just like as it tries to grow a beard and he blows an eye.

58:41 Like SpongeBob when he said to be a man. That happened. That'll happen. That will happen I. Don't know. I'm sure this is a. Great, I've tried your. Tops in rattle. All right, so oh, Oh yeah, by the way. Spencer, I'm sorry you took the. Recordings. You've committed quite a war crime here. You've committed quite a war crime. Here do we know this I mean. You know it A. War crime the. First time, right? But they did it nine additional times. Now it's a. War. Now it's a war. Do it again, it's a war crime. So here's. The Geneva Convention here. I mean, Geneva doesn't exist here, so it's not a. War crime.

59:25 It's not a war crime. You know what? You got me on a technicality. Fine. You committed the most beautiful murder that you've ever seen in your life. Did they all die? They all? What do you mean did they all die? They took. The equivalent of 7 nukes. We just like piano, snapped we. Just dusted them in a. Heartbeat. In fact, we're Thanos and we just went. And. They're gone. Good news is, and that's what it takes to save time, all of you just skipped the entire first encounter, so congratulations. So you kind of listen. Maybe we should have left one of them alive. Nah, damn. Well, what? Is there any like scraps of paper left that we can? Run.

1:00:06 Are we? Are we still? Good with them. OK. Kind of. So for those of you that just didn't hear that, one of our lovely audience members just said Fireball is probably enough to melt resin and pronounce. She she, she's absolutely right. Yes, Sir. Wait, what kind of resin? One of them. The dead people that we just. Is it? Is it? There's nothing left. OK, Yeah. You just once I can't reiterate that maybe 1 fireball went enough to take out half of them. You naked an entire city. That's fair.

1:00:47 It's like Hiroshima. The sunset twice snapped him the sunset twice. Why? You know, You know what? Jesus Christ. I'm just going to walk to the middle of our group and kind of like put my hand up for a high 5I. Like poke it. Hold on, hold on, give me a Charisma check. Oh, can I do it? That's funny. Oh, I'm doing it. Yeah. Yeah. So you'll all give them a high 5 and everybody will gain an inspiration. Yes, sick. Or for the high 5. Yeah, I should punish you for the fireballs, but I'm going to be a benevolent DM here tonight, OK, so. Has it been a minute yet?

1:01:34 Yeah, it's absolutely been a minute. Yeah, you weren't in combat. You again, I can't reiterate the the hell you unleashed on these. Creatures. Were they innocent? I mean, I didn't say that exactly. So it's a win. You basically did the equivalent of open a lava pool above that. Yeah. I don't. Understand. I don't understand the problem. So as you continue on, there's absolutely a trail. It gets a little bit murky towards the the melted resin. They would say no audience, no crime.

1:02:15 Great. This is no crime. Like a true war criminal. All right, so this is gross. So you continue on. There's absolutely a trail of sorts. It's it gets a little bit murky towards, you know, the, the crater you've just induced in the, the resin kind of, you know, area of the of I think that's wrong. What'd you say? Nothing. Shut up. You got it. We know how to spell. So you continue on until you reach a a tower or Chamber of sorts. And what does that say?

1:02:59 No audience, no crime, maybe? What does that say? Dice? Well, we didn't know if we spelled the audience right. Dice fall equals Pandora. Dice fall equals Pandora. She's taking notes. I am so as the marker as the last. Cultists melt their parchment robes are a completely obliterated Chard. They're. Cremated with them. Across the glowing face of the resin beneath their feet. And I reiterate, glowing as in molten. What does it smell like? It smells like you just burned. Burned an entire city.

1:03:40 Is it a stump? Smelled like burnt hair. Burnt hair, skin, meat anyway. We did good things here today, folks. I mean, I got some ashes at home. There. Are you saying that out loud? I need a deception check please. But he's not. I believe that to be true. Is it deceptive? Everybody give me an insight check other than Jessie. I for sure think. What did you do? You roll. What did you roll over there? I rolled in 19 + 524. 20. One what? Are we rolling inside? 13 if you need it. I got a 26.

1:04:22 Wait, I didn't ask you to roll. What do you? Want. 19 You all believe him. Of course we could, because we didn't. Go out to. Believe. That you just melted an entire ancestry of people. To accomplish a mission. It's called genocide. We are one. Thank you, that was the word I was looking. For wait. Wait, wait. If they don't exist anymore, have they ever existed? Yes. What? Do. You mean is there a cat in that box or not? Is the cat alive? There is the Cat in the Hat. Is there a cat in the box and is it alive but? Is there a problem? You know, if you don't open the box. Is there any books even about these people it? Was one of them named Schrodinger? I need you to roll me a Dexterity check to dodge the sniper that's now aimed at your head.

1:05:04 And can you prove it? Counter. Spell Counterspell. It's a weapon counter. Weapon. Counter weapon to block? What are you doing jumping in front of him? I'm pushing him down under the ground. Get down. OK, so I'm going to find Lord Africa now. Let's. Are there any survivors? No. How many times can I reiterate? I just find a marshmallow and I start roasting on the end of my watch. Everything. Is definitely. Gonna get that. One through. And. Like burnt skin and. Just for a moment. Danger. The. Dicer zone we have. OK, take it easy there, Maverick.

1:05:44 All right. Danger Will Robinson. We have 29 minutes. Really, guys? Yeah, we gotta, we gotta rain it in. So. For a moment the dice fall. Mountains grow quiet. Then the ground shifts. The floating platforms are kind of drifting apart, like pieces of a board being reset. A spiral staircase of hovering D sixes rises slowly from the broken battlefield, forming a path upward toward the thin mountain air. At the top of the staircase, an enormous tower pierces the clouds, the convention Spire. Convention Spire, yes.

1:06:26 It's walls are made of shimmering crystal panels that look eerily like stacked character sheets. Stacked character. Sheets. Every so often glowing lines appear across them, as if some some unseen hand is writing and rewriting the rules of this world. As you begin to climb and approach the tower's entrance, the massive doors swing open with a deep echo that sounds suspiciously like a box of dice being dumped across the floor. No, I don't. Think, There you go. I really thought you were going to go for it there. I almost picked up all these and just went. Yeah, you.

1:07:08 Did no I got another one by my feet 2. That's four damage to you so far it's. Not pride. No, it's damage to her. It's. Tutu as she falls off the off. That was probably really long, I'm sorry. Inside, the air feels strangely quiet. Not like the peaceful quiet of a library, almost the uneasy quiet of a story that has forgotten how to continue. Nothing is quiet with us. You step into a vast circular chainsaw. Flogging throughout the room are glowing fragments of unfinished narratives. Words drift through the air like embers from a fire. Ghostly scenes flicker in and out of existence across the chamber walls. A dragon lands in the village square, then freezes mid roar. A knight raises their sword to face a monster, and the image shatters like glass.

1:08:04 A dungeon door creaks open, revealing nothing but empty darkness. The stories stop before their ending. The cult's magic, sorry, the cult's magic has damaged the narrative engine of Ever Con. At the center of the chamber float 3 unstable story fragments, each swirling with half written magic. As you approach, one of them flickers to life. Words begin to form slowly in the air before you. So how this will work is you have entered the Hall of Unwritten Stories. This is one of the most powerful places in the realm of ever con. This is a place where unfinished adventures, abandoned campaigns, and half written plot hooks drift throughout reality. Normally these fragments eventually resolve themselves as stories continue across the plains, but the cult of the Carps have damaged this place, which means stories are here, and stories here are breaking before they reach their ending. Right now in front of you there are three unstable story fragments.

1:09:08 Each one holds a story, and your job is to finish the story. Shut up, shut up. Finish the story not with dice, but with imagination. I will read the beginning of a scenario. One of you will jump in and finish it however you like. Now here's the twist. You must, in front of our audience, perform that ending. Can they move on 1st? Now, if they, if the audience enjoys the ending of that story, we will ask them to react very loudly, very loudly. And if they stay quiet, well, you are going to take a whole. So the audience at this point gets to decide whether you're storytelling, it's either going to save the story and save reality.

1:10:11 Or performing a story. Or create a problem. You are finishing a story. I will give you the beginning of that story. You will finish Participate, yes. I've had too much alcohol to participate. Or not enough. I have not had enough alcohol to participate. So. The first story fragment glowing words in the air begin to form. Those are not edible a. Dragon arrives in the town of Mapleton and demands. Go. Demands goal. Go and demands go. Fuck yeah.

1:10:56 Where's the match game thing? It demands human flesh. He's. Taking us a what? It demands human flesh. All right. Come on up, Ryan. We do have some performance. Yeah, yeah, I made it crystal clear do. I have to go there. His character. 'S name is Fizwick. He just called him Ryan. Ryan So wait, I'm the dragon? This is no freaking. Hey 17 foot tall man beat the dragon. I don't want to be the dragon too bad. I want to be the sacrifice. He's the. Flesh I can't get out, Jesus Christ. I'm going to be a dragon. I was. Like I got to be honest, your balls have got to be in your. I'm going to give them human flesh right now. You do have a weapon. Be careful.

1:11:37 It was nice knowing you, pal. Let it be known that ever con staff didn't clear this weapon. So all right. A dragon arrives in the town of Mapleton and demands human flesh give. Me flesh. He's got human flesh. That's all you get. Sorry all. Right what? Did we think was that good? She. Can't breathe. She. Can't breathe? Question is now two of them participated. I was dragged by the DM.

1:12:20 I'm not going to hold Bob to a cow. I did force him into it so as I just. Made it easy. You begin to attempt to finish the story, the magic, and around this first fragment begins to destabilize and it becomes very hot and on. You're unable to breathe. Kind of like dinner and. You'll take. Unable to breathe. And you just feel your, your, you feel inside of your head and your brain just feels like somebody just clamping down on your head. Hell, like us on BG three, yeah. You're going to take 9 psychic damage. Oh OK, it's only 9. Nine, you're going to take a whole lot of damage. Have not.

1:13:04 You're wild magic sorcerers. I have 70. 5 Not even I was going to say that's not even a third I can't do. Baby, I'm all of. The border. I'm all of a sudden going to hold Bob to this encounter now and you know. I was going I because honest, honestly, I was going to do. I was. Quickly backtracking what he said. You're digging a hole, but. Not no, it's fine. I have every intention of this character anyway. I don't. Want my character to die. I kind of sort of maybe like. Her a lot the. King reveals he was secretly stupid shit. The king what? The king reveals he was secretly perfect. He said it, so go.

1:13:52 Perform a dead king. My lead. Go perform on that dead king. Whoa, hold on, hold on. Not off camera if you want. I hope that hurt. I hope that hurt. Wait, are you the king? Whoa. You're. Just hold it, hold it, hold, hold, hold. Unfair advantage? Beautiful. Bravo. Unfair advantage? Down here in a corset little and get back up.

1:14:33 Guys for days. Oh, I sacrificed my got to. Use what you got baby. And if I don't? Get. It deserved worse, but here we are, God. My. Ass. Pretty sure it's going to be a mark on my shoulder for a month. Seraphin, go ahead and gain an inspiration. And four minutes. Yes, I'm at level something your. Other The dungeon door opens to reveal. It was a mimic the whole. Time. I don't know how to do an. Archie, everybody.

1:15:13 I. Need to. Be a door tray. Door, Yeah. We need a door. I'm imagining somebody opens the door and. Kyle will be Yeah, we. Got Kyle. Kyle will be. The door, yes. I love why didn't. You use him for the dragon. He would. Actually, he could do that. Taller because you're like 70. Feet tall. Yeah, of course I got to be the snowing. Right the door. The dungeon door opens. Open the door. To reveal it was a mimic the entire time. Get chomped and killed most likely. Chomp him. Jesus. Christ. I.

1:15:55 Thought the. Yeah, if we can get a. Member of ever Con staff to confirm that we have the insurance for that. I think I just witnessed an assault. Perfect. Yeah, they reacted so right. And take your inspiration all. Right. Yes, that's a beautiful movie. Good job. Yes, yes, good job. And as that final story fragments, kind of settles into pace, pace place with a soft, soft pulse of light. For a brief. Moment the Chamber of unfinished tails grows still, Then the entire tower shudders.

1:16:35 A deep thunderous sound rolls through the convention Spire. Not an explosion, but an not an earthquake, but the sound that you recognize immediately. Dice. Oh, I was going to ask thousands tornado. I got to leave those today but thanks continue. I glad we all recognize the tornado. I don't know, he said. It was loud. It's it's not this. It's not an earthquake. Thousands of dice. Thousands of dice. Somewhere, somewhere high above, something enormous rolls across crystal stone with a deafening clatter is.

1:17:16 It Bob. It is. It's not Bob. I've been taking. This abuse for 18 years. The glowy staircase ahead of you rises, forming A spiraling path upward the nice tower through the heart of the Spire. As you climb, the air grows heavier with unstable magic. Words flicker across the walls like half erased ink. Entire scenes from forgotten adventures appear and vanish in flashes of light. You reach the summit, the chamber, that's our show, everybody, and thanks for. Coming.

1:17:58 The caper at the top of the convention fires vast opening to the storming sky above. Ever con lightning made of swirling dice crackles through the loud through the clouds overhead. At the center of the room floats a massive crystal D20 suspended in mid air like a second moon. Inside it, frozen in radiant light, is a tall figure wearing the cloak patterned in tiny dice and playing cards. A crown shaped like AD 20 rests upon his brow. What? Colour is the D20.

1:18:39 You're colour blind. No, not you. I'm not talking to you. You are colour blind. Wow. That's my friend. Can you see this OK? Did I? Roll with inside. Yeah, go ahead. And give me an inside check OK? But what did you mean that's a net 20, Sir? What? Would it be? A. A A A head of horns. As Lord Abrot of. Northern, where is. That a crowd. He's he's lost it in the in the kidnap. Oh. Yes.

1:19:20 This is Lord Everkon. OK. Hey guys. This is the guy we need to get quarter. Thorns and roses. What? I said. Oh, so don't fire on? Don't Jesus. Christ, it is Lord Everkon. Oh. God Fireball. Why? Why I? I God, I I hesitate to ask, but yes, I'm going to. Rescue him? How far? Away is he. He's very high in it. Like how? Like 90 feet, 1000 feet. OK. Let it happen. The dice is exploding in the air, yes. And how? Far. Away is it.

1:20:00 From the wall, no. So this area is think of it as like an open rooftop of the convention. Fire you reach the. Roof effectively of the Convention. So it's like a stadium, right? Correct. Yeah, OK. Perfect size for a. If you say fireball, I'm going to come over. There maybe a twin something or multiple twin something. Go on, say it. You want a twin fireball, Lord Evercon? Go on, say. It. No. No. He's imprisoned it, not him. I can make him closer 6 seconds below the floating dice. I'm just going to let you fester in whatever you're attempting to do below the floating dye I can.

1:20:45 Do it. Stands a tall figure in robes stitched from shredded parchment and ink. Ink. Times 10. Well, yeah, this is I edict Maldict so. Should we? Should we twin fireball? I want if you want to spend all your sorcery points, sure that I can't. I regret. If we eat sorcery 3. Oh yeah, and we just got them all back. Metamagric, whatever, that's an extra 2, yeah. Yeah, we just got them all back, didn't we? Yeah, I have 10 sorcery points. I'm going to quicken all of my fireballs.

1:21:28 I. Mean you don't need to, you're not in combat. Yeah, we don't need to be in combat. What? I'm going to cast Fly on. You. On me. OK, hold on a second. First of all, I think. It's a Level 3. Why? Because. Then I'm going to dispel magic on that floating thing, and then I'm going to catch Lord Erecon and we're going to fly home. What are you, Peter Pan? Yes. You know, if he was Peter Pan, he needed to, oh, I want to be Tinkerbell. Oh, I'm not done, you just say. We're in dessert A. Simple.

1:22:09 You can fly. You can fly you're. Going to fly? I don't know. You're fabulous, darling. I'm definitely not going to fly back to the portal and then I'm definitely not going to dispel magic the portal with the rest of the minute. What alignment are you? Babe M. Alignment. That's the greatest thing you've ever said to me. That was fantastic Go. Ahead and get an inspiration for that I enjoyed that what alignment are you always true neutral you're all you're right you wouldn't do that he's. Lying. Wait, you made my character? What a lie. Let's do this. We're going to take a quick break, come back, hear from our sponsors, hear from our sponsors, and we'll be right back with more of Crit Happens.

1:22:55 Tonight's episode of Crit Happens is sponsored by Scribe Quill. Miss a plot thread in your last session? Scribe Quills got you upload your TT RPG session recording and Scribe Quill transcribes it, turns it into an engaging recap and narrates it with text to speech. Dial in the vibe with thematic background music and pick from a range of voices to Mac your world. Share it with your party and kick off your next session perfectly In Sync. Preserve the essence, keep the momentum. Search Scribe Quo and start recapping today. Scribe Quo Remember, better play faster. Welcome back to Crit Happens here on Spotify, iTunes. Crit happens dot show. It's.

1:23:38 Midnight Who on? Earth could be texting. Love it. Live on a Patriot podcast. Welcome back to Crit Happens Live from Ever con 2026. Good God. All right, so I'm going to resolve all the fireballs again. Let's roll initiative. How? A magnet. That touches it, but I don't. Know exactly I had it. It's gone now. No shit, I just. Cast eggs raining, is it? Pouring. It's got to be. Do you want me to fall asleep? Oh. No my windows. Are magnet that goes on the back. Your windows are down. Lost enough tornado.

1:24:18 It's not a tornado. Pouring now. It's raining right now. Why do I I'm rolling? Something everybody rolling initiative shit. All right, who rolled that? 20 yeah, 20 buddies. No, I won't allow it this. Is ISIS all right? Good. Who rolled higher than a 20? And oh, rolled higher. Yeah. Yeah, nobody did. 25. 25. 2828 All right, 28 Jesse goes first again. ISIS. First, would you roll 25 Jess or Bob? 24 I'm sorry I lied. 23 Hold on, let me pull 2. 2120. Ready for business? 1918171615. 15.

1:25:02 No, in fact, it did not hear you. I don't. Believe the words my fault would. Do that like chain lightning maybe? I don't know. I am your. Girlfriend. So I hope everybody can hear the absolute torrential downpour. It sounds like this, Yeah, this is rain. I'm raining. There's an ambient microphone in the middle of the floor. I'm pretty sure they'll be able to hear it. I'm. Raining. OK, we're going to speak a little louder. I can't. Hear you 2120. You 15 Was the next one correct 1413121111? 10.

1:25:43 I. Do. OK, I assume all of you are once again quick or twin spelling fireball. You. Don't have fireball? Fireball, what are you? Going to do on your surprise turn as you watch a whole city get melted. Again, can I Can I think better for a second? Sure, we'll let the we'll let the other, the rest of the party surprise. So we already had Hiroshima, so this is Nagasaki. Yeah, yeah. This would be Nagasaki. Let me know. And then here's here the P3 podcast. We know three times. We hear it to the P3 pocket. What? Do. Not keep going this.

1:26:24 Close to fireball is Nagasaki. Or Hiroshima again for. The. Fireball story. Entire fucking. Thing. I'm just saying it happened. Can you go? What it is? Jessie, roll me two D 20s please. Go did I? Cast bells. Go resolving the fireballs. First, oh. I cast fireballs. Yeah, yeah, you said. I know I said it. We all said it. And that 20 and a six. Oh. My dice. Rolling. OK, we're going to start with -1. Four net 20. I'm I'm fully aware of that I rolled 2. 13 and 19. OK, all of a sudden we're back up to 1.

1:27:05 All right, who's next? Kenzie, don't look at me like that. I got an 8 and A2. Gene QD 20s. 77 and 11. And I'm like Jesus Christ. 45. What are we for? The dude, The one dude standing in the centre. That guy. Yeah, that Dick. He said so. Six and a 17. 17 OK ladies. And gentlemen, I do believe it have stopped raining. Yeah, it's like an eerie column. All of a sudden. I'm just waiting for all the power to go out. Here comes the tornado.

1:27:46 Shut up here. Comes all right with a town. That so as you let loose this I I don't even know how to explain it anymore. It's just. Hell, the third sunset. Yeah, this is approach of the 19th sun. Poor man's meteor storm it. Is Ivy Do you want to roll a die? Somebody want to kick Ivy the die? You're the only one that hasn't rolled it yet. Yeah, come on, roll the other one. You guys can roll it four times. Unless do you want to just roll both of them, you want to have him roll both of them, or you want to roll 1? Cool tell you all.

1:28:30 Right, we've got four wild magic surges, so go ahead and roll Jesus Christ 088 and 7:15. Do the math. All right, you can roll the rest of. Them one knees. Double. I'm letting you know right now if a 40 is rolled, this game is over. Good one. 40. Come on. I see a 2 and an 18, so 2020 all right. Can the last one be doubled? Two more times. You do accept soccer. Yes, it was a good I don't have the button. Yeah, I'll push it in post 16 and 1/6 of 22.

1:29:14 Spencer, I don't think you should put that button in on post. I think you should put give it to him raw and on post. I'm not even going to do. You remember. That do you remember that you did it? I did do. That, yeah. Oh boy, what a roll. That 20. That 20. That 20. Oh shit, Oh. 16 we're in. 1111. So 27. All right, What's your name? Josh. Thank you very much. Thank. You, Josh. Thank you, Josh. All right, so we refer back to the what? What? Yes, question. How many pluses does one inspiration give the surge role? How many pluses?

1:29:57 Yeah, like if I spend an inspiration to increase the role, I. Dare say one for each it was. A 26. 27 was the highest role. Cat 80 so. We went to 2:33. We really want. This to happen he's. Trying to get us to. 40 I have I have an inspiration. I know I have two. I haven't enough to get a sample amount of two and Patty's got. I have lucky. If we're at 26, that's enough to get us at 40. We. Don't have 14 we. Could, but we we don't roll the inspiration. No, no, no, I do have Lucky Plus. Oh, it's at a plus. OK. OK, go ahead. What are we? What blows up? Are you? Are you no OK. We we want 40s. You want 40s?

1:30:38 Oh, I want a lot more. All right, what's up there? It is. Right on time, 15. OK. The next spell deals maximum damage, right? My fireballs deal excellent damage. 20 Josh, please roll on the Wild Magic Surge table again. 4040 or at least. 40. 401919 I'm going to keep. That one. OK. Roll that again. All right, keep the 19. If it's low, I'll be lucky if you get hell yeah you are big.

1:31:23 Man, Big 10. 10. 29. That's 29. We need 11. We have Who has two inspirations. I have an inspiration. 123456789. That would get you to 38. Do you wish to do that? You're lucky it I will let you know. The higher the role they are more unstable magic it is. Lucky our, lucky it you're going. To lucky which? One is that again. He's 10. We're working on this. Come on, big money. No whammies, big money. Did you do it? Everyone. 31, yes. It is 40 collectively agree. Yeah, I agree it's. 40. All right.

1:32:05 I need consent from the entire party. Thank you. I need consent from everybody. Consent. Consent. Yeah, thumbs. Up SO. She said we have to. Leave. Yeah, yeah, we're. Almost like. 5 minutes it's gone. I'm ready. For so as you let loose this hellacious fire, and for a moment nothing happens, Then the air begins to shutter. A low vibration rolls through the battlefield, like a distant rumble of 1000 dice tumbling through a wooden table.

1:32:49 Somewhere far beyond the sky, the ground beneath you begins to glow red. Hot numbers appear across the stone, and brilliant gold spreading outward in every direction. 271419 Above you, the sky splits open. The sound grows louder, dice rolling, clattering endlessly. Reality itself begins to buckle under the weight of what you have. Just. Done. Every weapon, every magical hand begins to hung with unstable magic. The air crackles with energy, the ground seems unsure of which direction gravity is supposed to work. Then every glowing rune locks into place. 20 20/20/2020 2020 Over and over and over. The storm overhead rolls roars of RAW chaos, floods into the world.

1:33:45 Spells flicker, Gravity Twist, and then 20, 20 Lord Ever Con. The D20 he's encased in vanishes in a heartbeat, falling from 1000 feet. Guess why? Give me one final wild magic prepare. For like. Oh, you did. You did. Are you going to cast it? Yeah, I'll cast final. On it give me one file final check. OK, one final check. You know what? I got AD 20 right in front of me here. Let's make it big. Let's make it big, it big. Spin download Oh my God.

1:34:25 Who's close? OK. And as you go ahead and roll that one as well. Hurry, Bob. Take that 13 with a total of 24 you cast. You see, Lord ever con falling from the I'm. Casting it forth and adding myself to it. OK, I have a fourth level spell you cast towards Ever Con and he's still hopelessly, hopelessly falling. Just arms and legs sprawly in the air as if he's one of those wacky inflatable arm flailing tube men. Then you see it.

1:35:08 Lord Ever Con begins to glide and fly around the land of realm of Ever Con and you have successfully saved Lord Ever Con that we'll do it for tonight's episode of Crit happens live from ever Con 2026. Thank you so much all for coming out tonight. Thank you all so much for listening. We will see you on the next episode of Crit Happens, which for us it's in not. Even 24 hours. Thank you everybody so much for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye bye. Bye.

1:36:16 Every step is heavier.