Where is Joe Biden? Where is George Clooney?

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Calarogu Shark Media from Washington, DC. Where have you seen Joe Biden,

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because we sure haven't. This is
valid, that's right, but you're asking

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the wrong question. The real question
is where's George Clooney. Let's hit this.

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George Clooney penned an article asking Biden
to step aside for twenty twenty four

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and now, poof, he's vanished
faster than my chances of ever dating them

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all. Clooney, Where in the
world is George Clooney? Has he gone

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into witness protection? Is he on
a secret mission to save the world from

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bad coffee? Was his letter penned
by AI posing as George Clooney. Maybe

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he's just hiding out in one of
his forty seven villas scattered across the globe.

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I mean, when you have a
house on every continent, it's pretty

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easy to play the world's most luxurious
game of hide and seek. Some say

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he's been abducted by aliens, but
let's be real, if aliens came to

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Earth, they'd probably take Ryan Gosling
instead, Sorry, George. Others think

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he's gone under cover to investigate the
real reason behind Biden's campaign letter is he

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disguised as a White House janitor snooping
around for clues. Is that why the

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Oval office suddenly smells like espresso?
Or maybe, just maybe he's been trapped

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in a time loop, constantly reliving
the day he wrote that article, unable

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to move forward. It's like Groundhog
Day, but with more political commentary and

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less Bill Murray. Whatever the reason, one thing's for sure. George Clooney

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has become the Where's Waldo of Hollywood. But instead of a striped shirt and

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glasses, we're looking for a silver
fox in a perfectly tailored suit. So

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if you see a distinguished gentleman with
salt and pepper hair, sipping a cocktail

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and looking suspiciously like he's trying not
to be recognized, give us a call.

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We promise not to tell the Secret
Service or Matt Damon. In the

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meantime, we'll just have to content
ourselves with rewatching Ocean's eleven and pretending it's

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a documentary about Clooney's current whereabouts.
After all, what better way to disappear

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than with a team of highly skilled
thieves. All right, folks, buckle

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up, because we're diving into the
latest episode of As the White House Turns,

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or should I say weekend at Biden's
in a theory crazier than my ex

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girlfriend Norma. Some people are suggesting
that Biden is actually dead. I woke

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up this morning to images on Twitter. Excuse me, I mean x because

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that's not stupid, Thanks Elan.
Pictures of flags around the world, supposedly

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at half masted, which I guess
was better than Norma asking me what we're

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doing today. I don't know.
It's five point thirty maybe sleeping another ninety

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minutes. Anyway, President Biden posts
a letter resigning from his campaign, and

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suddenly the internet explodes with theories that
he's actually pushing up daisies. I mean,

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come on, people, If Biden
were really dead, don't you think

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we'd see a lot more Republican politicians
suddenly caring about climate change? But no,

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apparently some folks think the President has
gone to that great ice cream parlor

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in the sky. Why well,
for starters, his signature looks a little

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different. Gasp. It's almost as
if signing things while you have COVID might

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make your hand a bit shaky.
Who knew? And then there's the lack

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of a White House seal on the
letter, because clearly when you're the president

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of the United States, you always
carry around a pocket sized embosser for all

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your impromptu resignations. It's right next
to the nuclear football folks. But wait,

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there's more. Biden called into a
campaign event and had a conversation with

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Kamala Harris. Now, I know
what you're thinking. That could have been

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anyone. Maybe it was a Biden
impersonator or a very articulate parrot. Well,

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if it was an impersonator, I've
got to say, nailing Biden's tendency

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to go off on random tangents about
cornpop and leg hair is some Daniel day

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Lewis level method acting. Maybe portions
of the Joe Biden Show are made with

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the help of AI. And let's
not forget the crown jewel of this conspiracy

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theory. Charlie Kirk, the man
who makes Alex Jones look like Walter Cronkite,

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shared a story suggesting Biden is dying
or possibly already dead. Well,

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Charlie, I hate to break it
to you, but Weekend at Bernie's was

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a movie, not a blueprint for
running the country. So there you have

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it, folks. The President of
the United States is apparently Schrodinger's Biden simultaneously

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alive enough to make phone calls but
dead enough to fuel conspiracy theories. Who

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knew governing could be so exciting?
Stay tuned for next week, when we'll

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probably be discussing how the White House
squirrels are actually tiny alien invaders. This

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is going to be a long election
season, isn't it. Well, folks,

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it looks like we've got a real
political gymnast on our hands. Ladies

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and gentlemen, I present to you
JD. Vance, the man whose opinions

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on Donald Trump flip faster than a
short order cook at a pancake house.

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Back in twenty sixteen, Vance was
all, do you believe Donald Trump?

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Who always tells the truth? Just
kidding? Ouch, that's some great a

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sarcasm right there. He even tweeted
asking what percentage of Americans Trump had sexually

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assaulted? Talk about a loaded question. But fast forward to twenty twenty three,

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and suddenly Vance is singing a different
tune. It's like he went from

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being Trump's harshest critic to his biggest
fanboy overnight. Now he's all, I

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trust my friend, friend, I
guess in politics, friend is code for

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guy who can make or break my
career. This flip flop is so dramatic

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it could win a gold medal in
the political Olympics. We've gone from Trump's

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a serial sexual assault or too it's
just a he said, she said situation.

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That's not just moving the goalposts,
folks, that's picking them up and

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planting them in a whole different stadium. And let's not forget the cherry on

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top of this hypocrisy. Sunday Vance
now claims the lawsuit against Trump is all

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about politics, not justice, because
nothing says it's just politics, like a

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jury finding someone liable for sexual abuse. Right. Vance's spokesperson says his old

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comments don't reflect his views today.
Well, I should hope not. If

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they did, that would make his
current stance look pretty what's the word I'm

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looking for, Oh yeah, opportunistic. I'm sure the Republicans can agree.

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You don't want a really old guy
in the Oval office. Donald Trump,

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at the ripe young age of seventy
eight is now our oldest presidential nominee.

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Last time someone that old ran,
we wound up with conspiracy theories on a

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Tuesday morning. It's like Trump saw
Biden's age and said, hold my diet

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coke. But unlike Biden, who
was practically live streaming his medical checkups,

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Trump's health info is more closely guarded
than the colonel's secret recipe. Instead of

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detailed medical reports, we got a
letter from his doctor that basically says Trump's

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health is huge, the best health. Nobody's ever been this healthy. It's

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so vague it could have been written
by a magic eight ball. And let's

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not forget the cognitive test Trump keeps
bragging about acing. You know, the

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one where you have to identify an
elephant and remember five words. I don't

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know about you, but I'm not
sure person, woman, Man camera TV

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is the bar we should be setting
for the leader of the free world.

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Now, some folks are saying Trump
should release more detailed health info, but

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come on, we all know that
if Trump released his full medical records,

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they'd probably claim he has the body
of a twenty five year old Olympic athlete

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and the brain of Einstein on steroids. Meanwhile, Kamala Harris is sitting pretty

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at fifty nine, probably thinking I
can't believe I'm the spring chicken in this

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race. She hasn't released any health
info either, but at this point just

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being able to run up a flight
of stairs without breaking a sweat might be

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enough to win the presidency. But
someone is circulating a picture of her from

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the eighties, and man, she
had it going on. So here we

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are, folks, the twenty twenty
four election, where the candidate's medical records

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are more closely guarded than Fort Knox, and cognitive ability has become a campaign

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slogan. Who needs policy debates when
we can argue about cholesterol levels and memory

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tests. Remember when elections were about
boring stuff like the economy and foreign policy?

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Yeah, mean neither. Remember when
this podcast was about boring stuff like

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the economy and foreign policy? I
sure do. Remember that one guy had

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a trial and was found guilty thirty
something times and could still go to jail.

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Yeah that was four major stories ago. We could be looking at President

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JD. Vance for all we know. Welcome to the golden age of geriatric

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politics, where the race for the
White House has become a literal race to

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see who can make it to the
finish line without needing a nap, And

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right now, a nap sounds like
a great idea. Portions of today's show

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were made with the help of AI, just like that mysterious tweet on Sunday,