Sept. 10, 2024

What time is the debate? What channel is the debate on? How to watch the Harris Trump debate

Show Notes
Transcript

A look at how the candudates have been prepping for tonight's debate

A stupid Tim Walz Milkshake controversy

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WEBVTT

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Callaroga Shark Media from the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia,

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home of tonight's debate.

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This is ballot, that's right, and man, I hope we

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keyword stuff that episode title.

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Enough. Welcome new listeners. Let's hit this.

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All right, folks, buckle up for the political circus that's

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about to hit Philadelphia. It's debate time and we've got

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all the juicy details for you. For all you SEO

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surfers who went for my clickbait, the debate is at

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nine pm Eastern on ABC.

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Thanks for the download. Don't worry.

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There'll be two commercial breaks so you can refill your

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popcorn and grab another drink.

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You're gonna need it now.

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Where's this showdown happening at the National Constitution Center in Philly.

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Yeah, that's right. They're gonna argue about who.

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Should run the country in a place dedicated to the document.

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They're both probably gonna ignore irony anyone. But who's brave

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enough to referee this match? None other than ABC David

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Muir and Lindsey Davis. These poor souls are first timers

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for a general election debate, but hey, they've survived primary debates.

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Muir even managed to interview Trump after he became president

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without spontaneously combusting.

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So that's something. Want to watch this train wreck?

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Tune into ABC, or if you're one of those cord

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cutting millennials, you can stream it on ABC News Live,

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Disney Plus or Hulu. Hell, they're even simulcasting it on

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other networks. It's like they want everyone to witness this spectacle.

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Now here's where it gets spicy. After weeks of bickering,

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like Toddler's, they finally agreed on the rules. Harris's team

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wanted hot mikes, probably hoping Trump would pull a crazy

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moment live on air, but Trump's camp insisted on the

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exact same terms as his June debate with Biden. You know,

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the one where they treated the candidates like unruly Toddler's

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and put them on mute. Now get this, Trump, in

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a rare moment of doesn't matter to me, Zen, said

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he'd prefer the mics on, but his team went, nah,

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we good. It's like when your mom says you can

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have ice cream, but your dad's already promised you broccoli.

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Harris's team eventually carved faster than a sand castle at

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high tide. They wrote to ABC practically sobbing that their

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star prosecutor would be fundamentally disadvantaged by not being able

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to interrupt Trump mid sentence, because nothing says presidential material

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like constantly talking over your opponent. Right, Actually, I take

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that back. I think you can become president by talking

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over your opponent.

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But wait, there's more.

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The debate's gonna be as quiet as a library on

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a Sunday morning. No live audience, that's right, folks. No

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canned laughter, no awkward applause, no drunk uncle in the

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back yelling you tell him, Donald, It's just gonna be Harris,

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Trump and the Sound of America collectively face palming.

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Jimmy Fallon joked.

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ABC will air the Trump Harris debate, while Fox News

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will just reair the one with Biden.

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Stephen Colbert joked.

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To figure out who gets which podium and which one

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goes far last, they flipped a coin and Trump won

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the coin toss. Thank god, otherwise we'd have to listen

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to months of coin denial. So how have both sides

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been getting ready for tonight's debate? In one corner, we

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have Kamala Harris hold up in a historic Pittsburgh hotel,

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probably surrounded by more policy papers. Than a government printing office.

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She's treating this debate like it's the SATs, cramming every

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possible two minute answer into her brain. I hear she's

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even hired Philippe Ryan's to play Trump.

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Poor guy. I hope they're paying him hazard pay for

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that gig. Meanwhile, in the other.

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Corner, we have Donald Trump, who's approaching this debate with

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all the preparation of a guy who shows up to

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a potluck with a bag of chips he bought at

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the gas station on the way over. His strategy feel

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it out, because nothing says presidential like winging it on

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national television. Harris is over there with her team, probably

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color coding flashcards and practicing her I'm speaking face in

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the mirror. Meanwhile, Trump's idea of prep is watching Harris's

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convention speech from his Vegas hotel suite. I guess what

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happens in Vegas becomes debate strategy. And let's talk about

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these prep teams. Harris has got Hillary Clinton giving her

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tips because nothing says fresh approach like advice from the

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last person who lost to Trump. Right, Trump's got Matt

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Gates and Tulsia Gabbard in his corner It's like he's

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assembling the Avengers, if the Avengers were well Matt Gates,

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Tulsa Gabbard, and Herbie the Robot. Trump's team is worried

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he might come across as too aggressive. Gee, you think

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they're telling him to be happy Trump instead of mean

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bully Trump, because apparently those are the only two settings

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on the Trump ameter. Harris is trying to paint Trump

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as a rich guy who only cares about other rich guys.

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Bold strategy, Harris, I'm sure no one's ever thought of

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that before. Thanks Hillary, And let's not forget the moderation drama.

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Trump's got beef with ABC News, especially George Stephanopoulos, whom

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he's nicknamed Slopadopoulos. I got to hand it to Trump.

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His nickname game is still strong. Kamala Harris's team is

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apparently throwing a fit worthy of a toddler denied a

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second scoop of ice cream over debate rules they inherited

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from Biden. They're worried she'll be handcuffed by these rules

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because nothing says I'm ready to lead the free world,

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like complaining about the debate equivalent of mom said, it's

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my turn on the Xbox.

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Let's break this down, shall we.

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Harris's team thinks she's a stronger debater than Biden. Wow,

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wait to set the bar high. They're particularly miffed about

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the muted microphone rule. Apparently they think this will shield

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Donald Trump from direct exchanges with the vice president, because

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we all know how well Trump handles being directly confronted,

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right He's famous for his calm, measured responses to criticism.

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Harris's team fought hard to change these rules, but ended

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up having to accept them begrudgingly. I can just picture

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them stomping their feet and holding their breath until they

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turn blue. Very presidential. Meanwhile, Trump, in a move that

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probably shocked even his own team, said he'd be fine

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with unmuted mics. It's like he's daring Harris to engage

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in a verbal cage match. Bold strategy, Cotton, Let's see

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if it pays off for him. Trump's quoting Mike Tyson

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about getting punched in the face. I guess that's one

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way to prepare for a debate, though I'm pretty sure

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the Secret Service might have something to say if it

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comes to that. Well, folks, it looks like we've stumbled

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into the manliest of manly controversies since the great Real

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Men Don't Eat Keish debate of nineteen eighty two. That's right,

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we're talking about Strawgate twenty twenty four. Jesse Waters, Fox

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News resident expert on all things masculine because nothing says

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tough guy like a primetime cable news slot, has blown

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the lid off Tim Walls's shocking lack of testosterone.

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The man used a straw to drink a milkshake. I know,

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I know.

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Try to contain your gasps of horror. According to Waters,

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this is why women don't love Walls, because, as we

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all know, oh, nothing gets the ladies going like a

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man who can chug a milkshake without the aid of

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cylindrical plastic. It's basically the modern equivalent of slaying a

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wooly mammoth. But wait, there's more. It wasn't just any milkshake.

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It was a vanilla ice cream shake. The audacity, the

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tan suit of milkshakes. Real men, as we all know,

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only consume milkshakes made from the tears of their vanquished enemies,

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preferably served in a hollowed out bull's horn. Now, some

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might say this is ridiculous that perhaps we should focus on, oh,

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I don't know, actual policy issues, But those people clearly

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don't understand the vital importance of milkshake consumption techniques in

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determining the leader of the free world. So what's a

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real man to do when faced with a milkshake? Well,

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you have two options. One unhinge your jaw like a

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snake and swallow it hole or shoot it with your

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gun and catch the droplets in your mouth. Because nothing

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says presidential material like wasting perfectly good dairy PRIs products

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in a display of firearm prowess. In the end, we

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can only hope that Walls learns from this grievous error.

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Maybe he can redeem himself by arm wrestling a bear

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while reciting the Constitution, Or perhaps he could prove his

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masculinity by oh, I don't know, focusing on actual issues

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that affect the American people. Portions of today's program were

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made with the help of AI, but even the AI

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couldn't make up a story as stupid as the milkshake