April 24, 2025

Vatican Photo Scandal, Tesla's Troubles, and Chimps with Booze:

Patrick Gutfield delivers biting commentary on Vance's Vatican photo scandal, Trump's pay-to-leave immigration plan, Tesla's seventy-one percent profit collapse forcing Musk to abandon government work, and chimps' surprisingly human drinking habits.

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga shark media from Vatican City where you don't want

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to stand near JD. Vance. This is valid.

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Say cheese, everyone, Actually, don't say cheese.

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It's against the rules. JD.

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Vance is taking heat because he got photographed in the

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Cistine Chapel during his Eastern Vatican visit. The White House

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photographer snapped a pick of him holding his son as

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they gazed up at Michelangelo's masterpiece on the ceiling. The

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problem photography is strictly prohibited in the Sistine Chapel.

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That's right.

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The one rule of Cistine Chapel Club is you don't

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take pictures in Cystine Chapel club. When the photo got

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posted online by Charlie Kirk, people when absolutely bonkers. One

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user wrote, you do not take pictures in the Cystine

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Chapel no respect. Another claimed this pictures shows what's wrong.

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Rules are only to be followed by others, but not

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the American government. You know it's a serious scandal when

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people are bringing out the all caps. It turns out

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this photoban dates back to nineteen eighty, when Japan's Nippon

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TV funded the chapel's restoration and got exclusive photo rights.

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The rights expired years ago, but the ban remains. It's

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like how we still take our shoes off at airports,

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even though nobody's tried to blow up a plane with

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their nikes in twenty years. Vance defenders pointed out that

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many other politicians have been photographed there, including Michelle Obama,

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Bill Clinton, and former Secretary of State Anthony Blincoln. So

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basically the but other people did it too, defense, the

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same one that didn't work when you were ten and

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your mom caught you eating cookie dough.

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Straight from the fridge.

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The real kicker, Vance met with Pope Francis just one

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day before the Pope died at eighty eight years old.

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I'm not saying there's a connection between breaking Vatican photo

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rules and the Pope's passing, but if I were Vance,

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I'd be lighting a few extra candles at church this sun.

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Also, Photogate is a good way.

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To get people to stop talking about killed the Pope gate.

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President Trump just announced a plan that sounds like the

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strangest game show ever. Who wants to be a millionaire

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in another country? That's right, Trump told Fox Notitious. He's

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launching a self deportation program where migrants will get cold,

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hard cash and a free plane ticket to leave the

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United States. It's like those airport vouchers when your flight

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gets canceled, except this time they're hoping you never come back.

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We're going to give them a stipend.

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We're going to give them some money and a plane ticket,

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Trump explained, without specifying exactly how much cash.

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We're talking about.

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What's next a parting gift basket and a thanks for

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visiting America t shirt.

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But wait, there's more.

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If these self deporting migrants are good, whatever that means,

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Trump says, they can come back as quickly as we

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can through legal channels. It's like the weirdest revolving door

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policy ever invented. Trump also admitted America actually needs workers

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for all the industry that's being created thanks to his

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tariff program. So we're paying people to leave then hoping

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they'll come right back. My head is spinning faster than

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Biden trying to find his way off a stage. Meanwhile,

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deportation numbers under Trump two point zero are still falling

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below his promised blitz. According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement data.

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The administration has already repurposed a Biden era asylum app

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as a self deportation tool, because nothing says make America

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great again like recycling.

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Your predecessors tech.

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So I see Elon Musk as finally admitting what we

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all knew. Running a government department while also running Tesla

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might be too much, even for a guy who thinks

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sleep is for the week. Must announced he'll be stepping

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back from DOGE next month to focus on Tesla after

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the company reported a seventy one percent profit. Knowsdie, that's

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not a typo seventy one percent. You know your company's

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in trouble when plunge and profit appear in the same sentence.

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Tesla's revenue dropped nine percent, sales fell thirteen percent, and

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their stock is down thirty seven percent since January. I

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haven't seen numbers that bad since my last attempt at

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counting calories during the holidays. Musk told investors his time

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allocation to DOGE will drop significantly starting next month. Translation. Sorry,

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I've been busy dismantling the federal government while your investment

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circles the drain. Meanwhile, Tesla owners are trading in their

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cars faster than college students swap majors used. Tesla prices

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are sinking and protesters are targeting dealerships with everything from

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molotov cocktails to gunshots. Who knew that when people said

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they wanted their car to be fire this isn't what

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they meant. Barren Trump has a brand new look on campus.

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The nineteen year old NYU freshman, who stands at six

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foot seven inches tall, was spotted this week dragging both

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his backpack and security detail behind him like they were

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his reluctant younger siblings.

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At Disney World.

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The presidential son traded in his usual formal attire and

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slicked back hair for the classic college freshman uniform, white

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Polo Khaki's brown belt, and what I can only describe

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as I just woke up and my alarm didn't go

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off bangs. Now here's the real tragedy. Despite being a

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Trump baron can't even hand out his phone number to

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interested ladies on campus.

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His security team has completely.

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Blocked his digits distribution capabilities due to risks.

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What risks exactly? That he might have to sit through.

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An awkward coffee date Like every other college student, This

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poor kid is basically living in the world's most expensive

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witness protection program. He's got security following him around twenty

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four to seven, forcing him to communicate with friends through

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Xbox and Discord like some kind of digital age smoke signals.

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Baron's currently studying at NYU's Stern School of Business after

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graduating from Florida's Oxbridge Academy. He's the only child of

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President Donald Trump and Milania Trump, and the youngest of

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the president's five children. I'm just saying, when your dad

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becomes president twice, getting a normal college experience is about

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as likely as finding affordable housing in Manhattan.

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So get this.

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Scientists in England have discovered that wild chimpanzees are throwing

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booze parties in the jungle.

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That's right.

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Researchers caught chimps in Guinea Bissau sharing fermented breadfruit containing alcohol.

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These chimps weren't just eating it, they were passing it

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around like it was happy hour at the jungle bar.

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You know what this means, right.

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We finally discovered where frat parties originated. These chimps are

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literally passing around volleyball sized fermented fruit with up two

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point sixty one percent alcohol content.

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I mean, when I was.

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In college, we called that Tuesday breakfast. The scientists believe

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This behavior could explain the origins of humans drinking together socially,

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which makes sense because every Friday night at bars across

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America you'll see plenty of humans who have clearly embraced

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their primate ancestry. What's fascinating is that both chimps and

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humans have special enzymes that allow us to convert ethanol

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into sugar. Scientists call this the drunken monkey hypothesis, which

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coincidentally is also what my friends called me after my

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twenty first birthday. One researcher said they observed a chimp

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allowing another to snatch fermented fruit directly from its mouth.

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I haven't seen that kind of sharing since my uncle

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ted at Thanksgiving dinner after his fifth glass of wine.

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The researchers didn't track whether the chimps exhibited drunken behavior,

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but I imagine if they did, we'd see one chimp

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telling the same story four times while another chimp keeps

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texting its X. So remember, the next time you're sharing

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drinks with friends, you're not just being social, participating in

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a tradition that goes back millions of years. You're basically

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doing anthropology. That's what I tell my doctor.

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Anyway,