Jan. 11, 2025

Trump's Zero-Punishment Felony, Fox News Confessions, and Presidential Merchandise Empire

Show Notes
Transcript

A satirical look at Donald Trump's unconditional discharge in his felony case, his candid Fox News interview about Obama, and his expanding merchandise empire including twenty billion dollar Dubai deals and signature guitars. Features sharp political commentary on Trump's virtual court appearance, presidential campaign merchandise, and international diplomatic plans, delivered with biting late-night comedy style.

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Callaroga Shark Media.

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From New York City, where even if you did it,

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don't worry about it. This is ballot, that's right, and

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we need to stop doing these sentencings on Friday so

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I don't have to work Saturday morning.

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Let's hit this.

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Hi. I'm Patrick Gutfield, and well, what do you know?

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Donald Trump just got sentenced for a felony and his

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punishment is nothing, absolutely nothing. It's the judicial equivalent of

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getting coal for Christmas, except the coal is imaginary.

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You know. Justice Merchant basically said.

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Yeah, he's guilty, but he might be president again, so whatever.

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Four years in prison, Nah, community service nope, a stern

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talking good to us. Not even that he got what

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they call an unconditional discharge, which sounds like something you

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should see a doctor about. Trump appeared virtually like Max

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Headroom with worse hair, because apparently showing up in person

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is so twenty twenty three. He was on those big

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courtroom monitors looking like the world's angriest zoom meeting participant. Meanwhile,

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the the Manhattan DA's office showed up in person, probably

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just to make sure they weren't being pranked. There he

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was sitting in front of two American flags at mar

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A Lago, wearing a red striped tie, arms crossed like

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a toddler who was just told he couldn't have an

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ice cream before dinner, and boy did he have some

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thoughts to share. He called it a very terrible experience.

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According to The New York Times, Trump had what they

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called a slight scowl. A slight scowl for Trump is

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like what most people would call their regular face. And

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when they mentioned his conviction, he shook his head like

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someone watching the Jets try to complete a pass. The

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whole thing is pretty wild when you think about it.

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His lawyers in this case, they're basically auditioning for jobs

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in his potential administration. Talk about a unique job interview process.

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Hey defend me in this felony case, and maybe you'll

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get to be Deputy Attorney General and prosecutor.

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Joshua Steinlass wasn't pulling any punches.

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He basically said Trump did more damage to the justice

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system than a bull in a china shop filled with

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law books. Meanwhile, Trump maintained his innocence with the same

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energy as someone claiming they definitely absolutely sent that email,

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even though everyone knows they didn't.

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But don't worry.

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Trump's lawyers are already planning to appeal, because apparently, when

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you're Donald Trump, even getting zero punishment is too much punishment.

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You want to know how rare this kind of sentence

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is for a felony, about as rare as finding a

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humble tweet on truth social But there was Trump trying

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to get out of even this non punishment. He went

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to every court he could find, state courts, the Supreme Court,

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probably even tried Judge Judy, claiming he should have presidential immunity.

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They all basically said, nice, try, but no, And let's

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not forget. This whole thing started with the first ever

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criminal trial of a former president. The Manhattan Courthouse turned

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into this bizarre mix of law and order and a

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tabloid magazine come to life. We had affairs, we had

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cover ups, we had hush money. It was like a

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soap opera, but with worse hair. And through it all,

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Trump's maintained his innocence harder than a kid standing next

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to a broken vase, claiming they have no idea what happened?

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What a time to be alive America. Trump went on

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Fox to discuss his bromance with Obama. And was like, yeah,

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we looked friendly because we were being friendly, which is

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probably the most straightforward thing he said since learning how

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to tweet. He was chatting with Peter Doocy and somehow

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managed to turn a conversation about a funeral into a

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Greatest Hits album of Trump topics.

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You've got to love.

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How he bounced from yeah, Obama and I get along

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straight to hey, speaking of things I want, how about

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we grab Greenland and while we're shopping for territory, let's

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make Canada the fifty first state. Because apparently, when you're

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Donald Trump, every conversation is just six degrees of separation

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from annexing Canada. And then there's the wildfire situation in

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Los Angeles, which he apparently thinks can be solved the

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same way you solve a Rubik's cube by complaining about

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it until something changes.

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But wait, there's more.

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He's got UFO secrets he's planning to spill the day

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after inauguration, because nothing says first day as president like

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dropping alien truth bombs. Trump's getting ready to return to

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the White House while simultaneously running what appears to be

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the world's most patriotic QVC channel.

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We've got Trump guitars.

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Trump perfumed that smells like winning, which I assume is

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a mix of electoral votes and gold plated ambition and

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eight hundred and ninety nine dollars watches that tell you

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it's time to make America great again. Meanwhile, his company's saying, hey,

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remember when we promised not to do foreign deals during

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the first term.

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Yeah, about that.

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It's like they looked at the ethics rule book and

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decided to use it as a coaster.

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At mar A Lago.

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Speaking of mari A Lago, Trump just hosted this fascinating

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little get together where his son Eric met with a

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Dubai billionaire on the patio, and then Trump showed up

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inside to announce a twenty billion dollar deal. The Trump

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Store is now selling merchandise with both forty five and

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forty seven on it, turning presidential succession into a clothing line.

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It's like they're treating the presidency as a limited edition

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sneaker drop. His spokeswoman says he didn't get into politics

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for profit while he's literally selling signature guitars. That's like

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saying you didn't join a gym to get exercise while

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wearing workout clothes and doing jumping jacks. Apple's new AI

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feature is basically playing a very high stakes game of

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telephone with The news is basically that one friend who

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always says, oh, yeah, I totally heard about that, and

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then makes up an entire story on the spot. Apple's response,

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don't worry, We'll add a little label saying this might

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be completely made up by a robot. That's like putting

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a sign on a broken bridge that says warning, bridge

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might drop you in the river instead of, you know,

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fixing the bridge. Alan Russbridger, former Guardian editor, called it

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out of control, which is British understatement for what in

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the name of Steve Jobs is happening here? And the

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National Union of Journalists is basically saying, hey, Apple, maybe

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stop making our jobs harder by inventing news. Apple is

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calling this a beta feature. That's like saying, oh, that

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completely false information we spread about world events that was

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just a practice run. Their solution is coming in the

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coming weeks, which in tech company time, could mean anything

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from tomorrow to when pigs fly. Meanwhile, their AI is

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out there telling people Net and Yahoo got arrested and

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probably claiming my high school girlfriend who lives in Canada

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is real.

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That's today's news. Five Stars,