Sept. 3, 2025

Trump's Wild Tuesday: He's Not Dead, Not Resigning, Moves Space Command, Drug Boats, and Mystery Garbage

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield breaks down Trump's chaotic return to public life - from moving Space Command to Alabama because Colorado uses mail-in ballots, to casually mentioning shooting at Venezuelan drug boats, to contradicting his own staff about viral footage of trash bags being thrown from White House windows. Plus, the Epstein files finally dropped with 33,295 pages nobody's read yet. All this while Trump insists he's perfectly healthy and definitely not an AI-generated robot clone.

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Calarugus shark media.

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From Washington, d C. Where a robot clone is pretending

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to be the president. This is ballot, that's right.

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If Joe Biden was a robot clone, surely this guy

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is two.

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Let's hit this.

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So President Trump, or at least a robot clone claiming

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to be President Trump finally emerged from his week long

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disappearance yesterday to announce a new location for Space Command headquarters.

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And by disappearance, I mean he only posted two hundred

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and forty seven times on truth Social instead of his

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usual four hundred. The Internet had gone completely wild with

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conspiracy theories about Trump's health. People were convinced he was

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seriously ill or worse. What started all this panic was

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some bruising on Trump's hand that people noticed during a

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cabinet meeting. The president has been self conscious about it,

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even covering it with makeup, which, let's be honest, is

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the most relatable thing about Donald Trump. We've all had

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that one blemish we tried to hide with concealer that

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ended up looking worse than the original problem. His doctor

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explained that the bruising comes from frequent handshaking combined with

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aspirin use. Apparently one time during the campaign, Trump got

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cut shaking hands with the woman who had a ring

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in long nails. So now we know what Trump's kryptonite is,

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elderly church ladies with jewelry. Then Trump didn't speak in

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public for nearly a week and looked like crap in

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the two photos we got over the weekend. The White

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House Press secretary called the speculation crazy and baseless and

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said it was being pushed by Democrat activists and left

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wing lunatics, which is offensive because she didn't include snarky

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podcasters telling jokes written by Ai. Trump told reporters, I've

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been very active, actually, and to prove it, he mentioned

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that two hundred and forty seven word truth social post

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where he complained about a subcontractor scuffing the Rose Garden stonework.

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Nothing says presidential vigor like a detailed social media rant

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about landscaping contractors. The whole thing reminded me of when

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your grandmother doesn't answer her phone for six hours and

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suddenly the entire family is convinced she's had a stroke,

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but it turns out she was just at bingo and

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forgot to charge her phone. Tuesday had started with so

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much excitement the White House had announced Trump would speak

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at two pm.

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Was he resigning? Was he announcing he was going to

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Walter Reed and JD. Vance was going to be in

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charge for a few hours. Maybe he was going to

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release the Epstein files. Nope.

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Trump announced Space Command is packing up and moving from

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Colorado Springs to Huntsville, Alabama, And in typical Trump fashion,

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he managed to turn a military logistics decision into a

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jab at mail in voting. The President stood in the

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Oval Office, surrounded by Alabama's congressional delegation, who apparently wouldn't

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stop talking to him about this move. Trump said, they

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fought harder for it than anybody else. That's all they

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wanted to talk about.

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Now.

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This whole thing started back in twenty eighteen when Trump

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first established Space Command. Then Biden came in and said, actually,

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let's keep it in Colorado, where it already is, which

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makes sense. Moving a military headquarters is slightly more complicated

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than changing your Netflix password. But Trump had other ideas.

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He announced that Huntsville will now be known as Rocket City,

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which is adorable, although I'm not sure Alabama needed another nickname.

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They already had the Heart of Dixie and Sweet Home Alabama.

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The best part was when Trump criticized Colorado for using

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mail in ballots, saying that played a big factor in

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his decision. So apparently the future of American space defense

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now depends on how you submit your voting preferences. Trump

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also casually mentioned that the US military had just shot

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at a drug vote from Venezuela. He said this the

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same way you'd mentioned picking up milk at the grocery store. Oh,

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and we just droid a narco terrorist vessel in the Caribbean. Anyway,

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back to Alabama. The man went from talking about rocket

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City to actual rockets in about thirty seconds. That's not

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a press conference, that's a movie trailer. Also, he's sick,

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he's dying, he's resigning, he's mad at the contractor. Stay focused, people,

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all these distractions, keep your mind off the Epstein files.

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And then, just for good measure, Trump announced he's sending

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the National Guard to Chicago, calling it a hell hole.

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So in one afternoon, we got space commands, moving, drug

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boats exploding, and military deployments to the Midwest, but not

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the Epstein files. But wait, last night, around seven, the

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House Oversight Committee released thirty three thousand, two hundred and

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ninety five pages of files it received from the Department

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of Justice on Epstein, a convicted sex offender, in response

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to a subpoena for the records.

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What's in it? I don't know. I didn't read them yet,

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but if Trump is in them, I'll be sure to

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let you know. So there's a viral video going.

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Around showing someone throwing trash bags out of a White

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House window, and naturally, Trump and his own press team

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can't agree on what actually happened. The video shows multiple

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items getting tossed from a second floor window onto the

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White House lawn. Now, after nine to eleven, Those windows

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were supposedly sealed and bulletproof, so people started getting suspicious.

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One investigative journalist pointed out that to throw something out,

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you'd have to remove the entire window from its frame,

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which seems like a lot of work just to dispose

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of some garbage. When reporters asked the White House about it,

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a spokesperson said it was just a contractor doing routine

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maintenance while Trump was away. Pretty straightforward explanation. Case closed,

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right wrong. A few hours later, Trump himself gets asked

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about the same video during a live press conference and

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declares it probably AI generated. He insisted those windows don't open,

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saying they're bulletproof and way of about six hundred pounds each.

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Then he added this gem. My wife was complaining about

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it the other day. She said, I'd love to have

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a little fresh air come in, but you can't. So

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Milania Trump is apparently trapped in the world's most expensive prison,

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dreaming of a gentle breeze while surrounded by six hundred

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pound bulletproof windows. That's not the White House, that's a

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very fancy panic room. Trump also said he would never

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dump items out of White House window because there's cameras

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all over the place, which raises the question, if there

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are cameras everywhere, wouldn't we know definitively.

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Whether this video is real or fake.

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This isn't that footage of Bigfoot in the woods, it's

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security footage from the weekend at Donnie's. Portions of today's

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show were made with the help of AI and a

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robot clone.

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President