April 14, 2025

Trump's War on Water Pressure - Make Shower's Great Again!

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield tackles Trump's attack on shower regulations while defending his "beautiful hair," Colonel Meyers' firing after contradicting JD Vance in Greenland, and the Space Force's new mini satellite jammer (perfect for the militarized soccer mom). Plus, the mysterious case of nearly two hundred vanishing Colorado cows that has the governor hunting "cattle rustlers," and we correct our JetBlue "First Class" mix-up.

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Callaroga shark media from Washington, DC, where Jeff Blue doesn't

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even have first class. Okay, this is ballid, that's right.

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Stick around. That joke will payoff. Hi, I'm Patrick Gutfield.

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Did you see this one? And I'm not even making

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it up. Last week in the Oval Office, Trump asked reporters,

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how do you get to be president? And you're stupid?

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That's it. I don't even have a joke for that one.

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Trump is starting to make more and more sense to me.

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I do agree with the sentiment, how do you get

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to be president and you're stupid? And now I might

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even vote for a third term after this next idea,

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Trump is making American showers great again. Yes, our president

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just signed an executive order to ease waterflow restrictions for

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multi nozzle showers. Because if there's one national crisis that

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needed immediate attention, it's the president's shower experience. The White

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House called Obama's shower regulations part of a radical green

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agenda that made life worse for Americans. Trump complained, it

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takes him fifteen minutes to wet his beautiful hair under

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current regulations. Fifteen minutes. I don't know what's more shocking

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that he thinks his hair is beautiful, or that he's

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willing to admit it takes fifteen minutes to wet whatever

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that is on his head. The administration is calling this

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the end of Biden's war on water pressure. A war

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on water pressure, according to the White House fact sheet,

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no longer will shower heads be weak and worthless. This

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is Trump's second attempt at shower liberation. By the way,

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he tried this back in twenty twenty, but Biden shut

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it down. Thanks Joe. There was a big shakeup at

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the Space Force. Colonel Susanna Meyers just got fired faster

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than Trump's hairstylist on a windy day. The head of

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our military base in Greenland made the catastrophic mistake of

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disagree with JD. Vance. You see, when Vice President Vance

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visited Greenland, he criticized Denmark for not doing a good

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job for Greenlanders, because nothing says diplomatic visit like telling

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your hosts their terrible landlords. After the visit, Colonel Meyers

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sent an email saying Vance's comments were not reflective of

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pa toughic space base in the Trump administration. That's considered treason.

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Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell basically tweeted obey or goodbye, which

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is also Trump's dating philosophy. This all happened while Vance

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was in Greenland, reiterating Trump's desire to annex the territory.

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You know, just casual vacation talk. Love your place. I

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think I'll take it. The Space Force's statement said commanders

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must remain nonpartisan. Translation. If you don't agree with everything

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the administration says, your career will melt faster than Greenland's

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ice caps. There's actually a lot of Space Force news.

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The Space Force has just taken ownership of their first

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metal land satellite jammer. That's right, we now have the

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ability to jam satellites in space. This fancy new jammer

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is a major upgrade from their old counter communication system,

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which has been operational since two thousand and four. That's

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ancient in tech years. The original system probably ran on

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Windows XP and had a MySpace account. Now, the cool

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thing about this new jammer is it's much smaller than

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the old version. A company rep said, Previously, you had

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a bus of equipment and you hooked up an antenna

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behind it. Now you can put it in your suv.

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So basically they've gone from school bus towing a satellite

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dish to soccer mom vehicle with cosmic powers. But wait,

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there's even more Space Force news. In what can only

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be described as a morale boosting decision, the Air Force

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and Space Force have canceled all family days for twenty

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twenty five. Because nothing says we value your service like

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making sure you spend less time with your loved ones.

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Acting Air Force Secretary Gary Ashworth wrote that family days

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do not support our ability to execute the mission with excellence,

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unlike stress, burnout, and resentment, which are fantastic for mission excellence.

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There's a bovine mystery brewing out in Colorado that would

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make Agatha Christie say, well, that's utterly ridiculous. Nearly two

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hundred cows have just vanished, gone poof without a trace.

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This all started right before Thanksgiving, when a rancher reported

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twenty nine cows and calves missing. And then suddenly it

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was like a cownapping epidemic. Forty six gone here, thirty

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eight there, thirty one somewhere else. Then rancher Kelly Birch

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discovered forty three of her animals and disappeared. I haven't

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seen this many large mammals vanish without explanation. Since my

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uncle's side of the family stopped coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

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All one hundred and eighty seven missing bovines had been

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grazing on the Uncompagree Plateau, which sounds like a made

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up place from a fantasy novel but is apparently very real.

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And while some cattle always fall victim to predators or

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bad weather up there, they normally have the decency to

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leave behind a carcass, but not this time. What makes

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this extra strange is that the vast majority of the

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missing animals were calves, which means either wolves have developed

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extremely specific tastes or someone's running a daycare for baby

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cows without a proper license. This mystery has sparked an

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unprecedented state investigation with all the trimmings, sheriffs, a multi

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agency task force, search planes, a ten thousand dollars reward.

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And I'm not making this up a former professional bull

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rider turned backcountry cowboy who's been scouting the area on horseback.

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When your investigation team sounds like the cast of a

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Netflix series, you know things are serious. Colorado Governor Jared

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Walls mentioned the case in his State of the State

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address declaring we are committed to holding cattle rustlers accountable.

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Nothing says I'm taking rural issues seriously, like threatening to

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prosecute outlaws from the eighteen hundreds. So if you happen

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to be driving through Colorado and see a suspicious number

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of cows in the back of someone's pickup truck, or

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notice someone with an unusually large supply of beef jerky,

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please alert the authorities. These cows didn't just move away

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on their own. A listener left us a comment about

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a recent story where we suggested AOC was flying first class.

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The comment reads, there is no such thing as first

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class in Jet Blue. This is a gross error and

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really should be corrected. I am all four calling out

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politicians using their privilege inappropriately, but this was a really

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harsh claim on something that is just not factually true.

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Our investigative team looked into this and we'd like to

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apologize to Representative Cortes. Jet You obviously does not have

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first class. What they do have is mint will read

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to you from their website. All suites, all aisle access,

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all the better to deliver our personalized, award winning service

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featuring live flat seats and our exclusive tough to needle

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sleep experience, Plus the new front row Mint Studio boasts

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the largest TV on a US airline and an extra

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seat and space to work, lounge and entertain available on

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all Transatlantic and select coast to coast flights. Thanks for

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pointing out our error, and we let our friends in

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the mainstream media, such as The New York Post, that

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they appear to have made a similar misstep. I'll talk

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to them tonight when we all get together at our

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secret big media meeting. Portions of today's show were made

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with the help of Ai Snark, and in case you

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haven't caught on yet, the whole show is about making

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fun of things.