Jan. 23, 2025

Trump's Real Estate Empire Dreams: From Panama Canal to Greenland, Plus Piers Morgan's Nobel Predictions

Show Notes
Transcript

Join Patrick Gutfield as he unpacks Trump's ambitious territorial wishlist, from trying to reclaim the Panama Canal to making another bid for Greenland. Plus, Mexican President Sheinbaum's diplomatic shade-throwing and Piers Morgan's bold prediction about Trump winning a Nobel Peace Prize. A satirical look at international relations, territorial disputes, and the art of diplomatic renaming – featuring updates from Northern Montana, Southern Texas, the Gulf of America, and the American Ocean

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Callaroga shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where snitches get their canals taken away.

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This is ballot that's right. Watch out, Panama, or we're

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renamed your ass.

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Let's hit this. Panama went and ratted us out to

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the United Nations.

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Here's President Trump standing there on Inauguration Day basically telling Panama, Hey,

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remember that canal we signed over to you in nineteen

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ninety nine.

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Yeah, we're gonna need that back.

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That's like trying to reclaim your old apartment because you

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heard the new tenant rearrange the furniture. And Panama's response

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they went full Dear United Nations, please come get your boy.

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President Mulino basically had to write a strongly worded letter saying, sorry,

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but this canal ain't a timeshare. He might as well

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have added per my last treaty. At the beginning, Trump

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keeps insisting China's running the canal, which is about as

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accurate as saying Atlantic City is still the gambling capital

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of the East Coast. Panama has been running that canal

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like a certified boat boss for twenty five years now.

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The best part this whole thing might end up at

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the UN Security Council, where the United States has veto power,

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so we'd basically be in a position to veto a

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complaint about ourselves. That's like being the judge in your

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own traffic court. You know things are serious when a

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country has to cite the UN Charter just to say

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finders keepers treaty sealers. Though, I have to wonder did

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anyone check if the canal warranty is still valid?

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Maybe we should have gotten the extended coverage.

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Trump wants to buy Greenland again, and according to experts,

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Denmark can't actually sell Greenland because plot twist, they don't

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technically own it. It's like trying to sell your roommates

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PlayStation while they're at work. Sure it's in your apartment,

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but that doesn't make it yours. The last time America

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went shopping for territory was when we bought the Philippines

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from Spain, back when handlebar mustaches were considered professional attire.

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These days, buying countries is considered a bit ghosh, like

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wearing a monocle to McDonald's. Now Trump's got three options.

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He could try to negotiate, which is tricky when the

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thing you want to buy isn't for sale. He could

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try to take it by force, which international lawyers say

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is frowned upon. That's lawyers speak for, please don't start

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World War three over a really big ice cube. Or

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he could try for one of those friends with military

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benefits deals we have with some Pacific islands, you know,

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the kind where we promise to protect them and in

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return they promise not to invite China.

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Over for sleepovers.

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The wildest part Greenland is fifty times bigger than Denmark.

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That's like having a goldfish that owns a mansion. Denmark's

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entire military is smaller than the NYPD, which means their

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Arctic strategy might just be hoping the ice doesn't melt

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too fast. And somewhere in all this, Trump's also eyeing

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Canada and the Panama Canal because apparently, when you're furniture shopping,

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you might as well check out the whole store.

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Meanwhile, on the southern border, you've.

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Got to love Mexican President Shinebaum's response to all this.

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She's basically giving a masterclass diplomatic shade throwing. When Trump

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declares another border emergency, She's like, oh, this old thing.

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We've seen this rerun before.

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Shinebaum's response to the Gulf of America is basically you

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can call it whatever you want on your map, Sweetie,

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We'll be over here.

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In reality.

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You know you've jumped the shark when you're trying to

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rebrand an entire gulf like it's a casino. Shinebaum's just

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sitting there, cool as a cucumber, probably wondering if she

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can rename Texas North Mecha, just to see what happens,

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Piers Morgan told The Telegraph.

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My prediction for what it's worth.

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Is that Trump ultimately, probably in two years time, wins

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a Nobel Peace Prize, says Morgan, insisting that he will

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have sorted out the Middle East issue and make the

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Ukraine Russia war end somehow, which doesn't allow Putin an

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obvious victory, but allows Ukraine more security going forward. That

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might send all the liberal wokies screaming into their hankies

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as normal, because they overreact to everything he ever does

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and can't ever see good. But actually, if he was

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to achieve those two things on his watch, we should

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all applaud it. Sure, peers, just let us know how

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you feel when Trump annexes London. Portions of today's show

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were made with the help of Northern Montana, southern Texas,

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the Gulf of America, the American Ocean and ai