April 29, 2025

Trump's Magnificent Weight Loss While Russian Satellites Spin Into Oblivion

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield cracks wise about Trump's suspicious twenty-pound weight loss miracle, Don Jr.'s ultra-exclusive Georgetown club for the super-rich, and Russia's nuclear satellite that's now just a very expensive space disco ball. Plus, find out why Trump's five thousand dollar baby bonus might be the worst investment strategy since pet rocks! Join us for a show where "bringing back Tuesdays" is just the beginning of America's restoration.

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where Trump is losing weight the old

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fashioned way diet and good exercise.

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This is ballot. That's right. If you were wondering how

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such a handsome man.

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Could get even more handsome, We've got the answers. I'm

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Patrick Gutfield and has promised on yesterday's show I have

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brought Tuesdays back to America. Donald Trump has apparently lost

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twenty pounds since his last presidential physical in twenty twenty.

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The six foot two inch commander in Chief now weighs

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two hundred and twenty four pounds, down from two hundred

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and fifty four. That's twelve percent of his bodyweight.

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Gun. You know who's been suspiciously.

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Open about using weight loss drugs, self proclaimed first buddy

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Elon Musk. After becoming what we might call two Fleshla,

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Musk has been promoting GLP one drugs to the public.

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These include ozepic and wagov. Honestly, GLP one would make

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an excellent name for Musk's next child, now that he's

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used up unpronounceable keyboard smash. Medical experts are skeptical about

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Trump's weight loss story.

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Doctor Lisa Oldson.

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An obesity medicine specialist doubts a diet change alone could

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account for that slimmer silhouette. Most people don't lose weight

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that fast without meds, she said. When doctors see people

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dropping thirty, forty or fifty pounds quickly, it's usually the

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fancy new drugs doing the heavy lifting, not salads and

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stare climbers. Meanwhile, Press Secretary Caroline Levitt insists the president

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is in peak physical condition due to his twenty hour

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workdays and exercise on the golf course. Sure, and I'm

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training for the Olympics by walking to my refrigerator. Interestingly,

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Trump recently scrapped Joe Biden's plan to cover these obesity

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drugs under Medicare. The proposal would have cost thirty five

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billion dollars at a time when Trump's administration is trying

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to look fiscally responsible, but there's still hope for the

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weight conscious masses. The centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services

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left a loophole, saying they might reconsider in the future.

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You know what they say about the apple not falling

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far from the tree, Well, Donald Trump Junior is proving

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that saying right by opening an exclusive members club in Washington,

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DC called Executive Branch. How convenient that it's located in Georgetown,

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just a quick secret service motorcate away from daddy's house.

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This isn't just any club.

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We're talking about a place that costs half a million

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dollars per year to join. That's five hundred thousand dollars,

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and apparently there's already a wait list. I haven't seen

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rich people this excited to join something exclusive. Since the

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We Avoided Taxes Club had its annual yacht meeting while

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everyone else was at the White House correspondence dinner this weekend,

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Trump officials skipped it and headed to the Willard instead.

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White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt made an appearance at

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Junior's club, presumably to practice saying no comment in fancier surroundings.

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According to sources, Don Junior wants this to be the

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highest and private club DC has ever seen, because when

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you think classy establishment, you naturally think Trump. It's catering

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to business and tech moguls looking to cozy up to

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the Trump administration. Nothing says draining the swamp quite like

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creating an exclusive club where rich people can pay half

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a million dollars to get close to power. The club

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is funded by conservative venture capital firm one seven eight

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nine Capital, named for the year the Bill of Rights

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was adopted, which makes sense because nothing honors the Constitution

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like an exclusive club most Americans could never afford to enter.

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President Trump is reportedly considering giving new parents a five

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thousand dollars baby bonus to combat America's declining birth rates,

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because nothing says I support families like throwing a one

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time payment at them that won't even cover the hospital

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bill for delivering the baby. And hey, speaking of Trump's

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five hundred thousand dollars exclusive club, at least now babies

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will have a head start on saving up for membership.

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They'll only need four hundred and ninety five thousand more dollars.

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Maybe they can invest that baby bonus in cryptocurrency and

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joined by the time they're thirty. Our birth rate has

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dropped to one point six two berths per woman, well

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below the two point one needed to maintain our population,

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so naturally, Trump's solution is to toss five grand at the problem.

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That's like seeing your house on fire and throwing a

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glass of water at it before declaring problem solved. You

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know what's really fascinating here. Since nineteen seventy, marriage rates

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have fallen by sixty percent in America. So maybe instead

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of baby bonuses, we should be focusing on getting more

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people to tie the knot, though I'm not sure Trump

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is the best spokesperson for that particular campaign, given his

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shall we say diverse marriage portfolio. The article suggests that

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Vice President JD. Vance and his wife would make good

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America Family czars because they posted a photo at the

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taj Mahal with their squirming children. Apparently the bar for

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family leadership is now can take an awkward vacation photo.

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That's great news for all of us with terrible holiday

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card pictures. But hey, maybe Trump should combine his club

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idea with his baby idea executive branch junior division where

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babies can network with other powerful infants while drinking formula

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from diamond encrusted bottles. The dress code is strictly designer

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diapers only. So Russia launched the satellite called Cosmos two

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five five three back in twenty twenty two, right before

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they invaded Ukraine. You know, just a casual satellite launch

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before starting a war, as one does now. Apparently this satellite,

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which US officials believe is connected to a nuclear anti

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satellite weapons program.

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Is spinning out of control. That's right.

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According to space tracking firms Leo Labs and Slingshot Aerospace,

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this thing has been doing its best washing machine impersonation

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for the past year.

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Can you imagine being the.

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Russian space technician in charge of this, comrade, how goo's

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satellite operation? Well, sir, it's currently doing backflips that would

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make Simone Biles jealous.

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So not great.

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This is potentially a major setback from Moscow's space weapons program.

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I mean, when your super secret nuclear satellite is tumbling

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through space like me after three martinis, you might have

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a problem.

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Putin must be absolutely furious.

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This is like spending your life savings on a Ferrari

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and then watching it roll down a hill into a lake.

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The best part this satellite was supposed to be some

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kind of intimidating.

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Space weapon and now it's just up there spinning.

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It's essentially the space equivalent of trying to look tough

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while falling down an escalator. We know Russia was hoping

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for terrifying space dominance but instead got malfunctioning space disco ball.

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So sleep well.

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Tonight America, Russia's scary space weapon is currently doing the

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interstellar equivalent of tripping over its own shoelaces. Portions of

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today's show were made without the help of weight loss

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drugs and good comedy writers, but we did use some

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AI