Sept. 3, 2024

Trump's latest get rich quick scheme

Show Notes
Transcript

Want a piece of Trump's old suit? How about a trading card?

Is RFK weird?

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WEBVTT

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Calarogus Shark media from Washington, DC, where it's West Wing

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versus curb your enthusiasm. This is balliot. Hey, that's what

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you wrote. The script says balliant, and the union rules

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say I'm not allowed to add libs, So this is balliant.

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Thanks Kamabla.

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That's right, And Cheryl Hines, if you're listening, just remember

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I'd never strap a dead whale to the roof of

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our car.

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Let's hit this.

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Hold on to your wallets, because the Trump train is

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rolling into Grifter station once again. That's right, our favorite

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crypto president is back with a new get rich quick

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scheme that would make even Bernie madeoff blush. Trump's latest

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brilliant idea selling digital trading cards featuring himself in various,

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let's call them interesting poses. Picture this Trump dancing like

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your drunk uncle at a wedding, clutching bitcoins like they're

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his last McNugget, and probably posing as Superman's less fit cousin,

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all for the low low price of just ninety nine

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dollars per digital card.

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What a steal. But wait, there's more.

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If you act now and buy fifteen of these pixelated masterpieces,

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you'll get a physical card with a piece of Trump's

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knockout suit from his debate with Biden. Because nothing says

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I make good financial decisions like spending one four hundred

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and eighty five dollars on a scrap of fabric that

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probably still smells like spray tan and desperation. And if

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you're really feeling flush with cash or just really bad

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at math, for a mere seven four hundred and twenty

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five dollars, you can attend a gala dinner with the

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man himself.

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That's right.

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For the price of a decent used car, you can

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watch Trump eat ketchup slathered steak and complain about the election.

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What a deal? Now?

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Trump claims people are calling him the crypto president. I'm

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not sure if that's because of his deep understanding of

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blockchain technology or because his presidency feels like it was

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all a bad trip. Either way, he's certainly crypto something.

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But hey, let's give credit where it's due. Trump has

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found a way to monetize literally everything, from his arrest

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mugshot to his court appearances. At this rate, I wouldn't

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be surprised if he starts selling Trump branded prison jumpsuits.

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Look presidential even in the big House. So there you

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have it, folks, another day, another Trump scheme. Remember, as

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the man himself would say, don't miss out on this

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piece of American history, or as the rest of us

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might say, fool me once, shame on you fool me

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fifteen times at ninety nine dollars a pop, and I

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might need to reconsider my life choices. It looks like

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Trump is about to unlock his truth social piggybank, and

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boy is it a doozy. We're talking two point three

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billion dollars worth of social media stock that's been sitting

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there collecting dust and probably a few cobwebs. Now you

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might think Trump's about to make it rain maga hats

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and gold plated everything. But hold your horses, folks, it's

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not that simple. Turns out, selling off his Trump media

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stock is about as easy as getting a straight answer

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at a White House press briefing. See if Trump tries

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to cash out, he risks tanking the stock faster than

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his approval ratings. It's like trying to pull a tablecloth

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off a table without disturbing the china, except the china

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is made of his supporter's dreams, and the tablecloth is

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worth billions and speaking of tanking, Trump media stock has

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already dropped seventy percent since March. That's a bigger noseedive

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than Trump's hair takes in a strong wind. Meanwhile, VP

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Kamala Harris is climbing in the poles faster than Trump

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climbs the stairs to his private jet.

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But here's the kicker.

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Trump Media made a whopping eight hundred and thirty seven

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thousand dollars in revenue last quarter.

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That's right, folks, they're valued at four.

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Billion dollars, but pulling in less cash than a successful

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lemonade stand. Talk about alternative facts, and let's not forget

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about the exodus of Trump media insiders. They're jumping ship

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faster than rats from the Titanic. Even Devin Nuness, Trump's

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right hand man and CEO, sold six hundred thirty two

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thousand dollars worth of stock. I guess he finally found

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a memo worth reading. So what's a cash strapped former

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president to do? Well, he could always borrow against his stake,

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but finding a bank willing to lend to Trump might

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be harder than finding a Trump University graduate with a job. Apparently,

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Trump wants to make flag burning punishable by a year

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in jail. When told this might be unconstitutional, Trump said,

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and I quote, We'll make it constitutional.

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Wow.

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Who knew changing the constitution was as easy as changing

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your underwear? Although knowing Trump, both probably happened with about

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the same frequency. RFK Junior claims he's been censored for

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sixteen months, which is funny because I'm pretty sure I've

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heard more from him in that time than I've heard

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from my own mother. RFK praised Trump's stance on free speech,

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the war in Ukraine, and the war on children. I'm

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not sure what that last one means, but I'm pretty

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sure it's not a literal war. If it were, i'd

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bet on the children. Have you ever tried to reason

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with a toddler? It's like negotiating with a terrorist who's

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hopped up on sugar. Now there's talk of Kennedy potentially

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joining Trump's administration, because nothing says drain the swamp quite

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like hiring the guy who thinks the swamp is full

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of mind controlling reptilians, Right, and a Kennedy in politics? WHOA,

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that's crazier than the notion of my ex girlfriend Norma

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texting me at four am asking me if I am

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still hanging around with that skank Kate. Yes, Norma, I am,

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and she's not a skank. She's very nice. Please stop

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texting me. Comedian Tim Dillon figured out a way to

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make fun of Harris. Tim said, Kamala Harris is running

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on I'm not even kidding the word joy Joy, be happy.

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We're going to stop the food from being expensive, fatty.

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You're going to be able to eat for less. That's

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what Kamala's platform is. She wants to put price controls.

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On the food. Her platform.

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Right now, the only policy we know about is essentially

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a sign in a Vegas restaurant eat for less.

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That's all she said.

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That she's going to let these fatty boom batties into

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the grocery store.

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Folks.

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The Democrats have unveiled their master plan to discredit Robert F.

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Kennedy Junior after his Trump endorsement, and it's about as

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sophisticated as a schoolyard taunt.

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They're calling him weird. That's right.

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The party that brought you hope and change is now

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bringing you Nanah, you're weird. I mean, is it weird

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to have brainworms? Is it weird? To bring a dead

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bear to Central Park? Is it weird to strap a

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whale to your car? It's not like the guy's wife

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left him for a younger guy with his own podcast.

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The DNC's new strategy involves billboards featuring Trump, Kennedy, and

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JD Vance with the catchy slogan weird as hell. It's

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like they're running a presidential campaign and a middle school

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student council election at the same time. But let's be fair,

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Kennedy's given them plenty of material. I mean, the guy

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decapitated a dead whale and strapped its head.

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To his minivan.

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That's not just weird, that's that's a rejected plot from

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a National Lampoon's vacation movie. And don't forget about the

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bear cub in Central Park. In the end, folks, this

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election is shaping up to be weirder than well, i'd

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say weirder than my love life, but we all know

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how that turned out. Let's just say it's going to

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be a wild ride from here to November. Meanwhile, we've

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got a real West Wing versus Curb Your Enthusiasm showdown brewing,

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and it's juicier than the plot of a soap opera

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written by a committee of conspiracy theorists. Bradley Whitford, best

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known for playing The Guy Who Wasn't Martin Sheen on

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the West Wing, has called out Cheryl Hines for her

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silence on her husband's Trump endorsement. It's like watching C. J.

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Craig try to spin a Larry David faux pas. Whitford

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accused Hines of staying silent while her lunatic husband supports Trump.

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Now I'm not saying RFK Junior is a lunatic, but

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if conspiracy theories were Olympic events, he'd be Michael Phelps.

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Hines, meanwhile, is trying to.

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Play Switzerland in this political battlefield. She's praising her husband's

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campaign team like they just cured cancer instead of endorsing

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the guy who thinks he can dow hurricanes. It's a

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balancing act so delicate it makes tightrope walking look like

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a leisurely stroll.

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And let's not forget the Kennedy family drama.

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Bobby's siblings are treating his Trump endorsement like he showed

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up to Thanksgiving dinner in a maga hat. They're basically saying,

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we want a JFK, but we got JFK just forgotten Kennedy.

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My advice to Cheryl Hines break up with RFK and

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start dating a younger guy who has his own podcast

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that he creates with the help of AI