Jan. 27, 2025

Trump's Coffee Crisis: How His Colombia Tariffs Could Hit Your Morning Cup & The Battle Over Dog Sleds in Greenland

Show Notes
Transcript

Join host Patrick Gutfield for a satirical take on Trump's twenty-five percent tariffs on Colombian goods, threatening America's coffee supply, plus his unusual fixation on Greenland's military defenses and controversial Gaza relocation plans. We'll also dive into the Cyrus family drama as Billy Ray's Trump inauguration performance strikes a sour note

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Caloroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where a cup of coffee is about

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to be eight bucks.

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This is balad.

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Trump just made it so America will need to take

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out a loan to run on Duncan.

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Let's hit this well.

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Well, well, looks like Trump's taking his trade war south

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of the border way south. Columbia refused to accept deported

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migrants on US military planes, so naturally, Trump responded by

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check's notes, declaring economic warfare on your morning coffee.

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That's right.

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Trump slapped a twenty five percent tariff on Colombian goods,

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which means Americans could soon be paying more for their

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daily caffeine fix. Columbia provides twenty percent of our coffee imports.

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I'm not great at math, but I'm pretty sure twenty

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five percent more expensive coffee equals one very grumpy America.

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But Trump didn't stop there. He threatened to double those

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tariffs to fifty percent in just one week, because when

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diplomatic negotiations get tough, the tough make their own citizens

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pay more for flowers and petroleum. The Colombian president responded

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by saying he'd impost fifty percent tariffs on American goods,

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adding that Columbia is the country of beauty and the

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heart of the world, which I have to say is

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a much more poetic way of saying bring it on

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than Trump's response, posting an AI generated image of himself

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in a fedora with a sign reading faffo. You know

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things are getting serious in international diplomacy when world leaders

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start communicating an Internet slang. What's next settling trade disputes

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through TikTok dance battles. Meanwhile, Brazil and Mexico are also

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pushing back against Trump's deportation plans. Brazil even had to

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order the removal of handcuffs from their citizens when a

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deportation flight landed, because nothing says welcome home like being

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shackled on an international flight. You've got to hand it

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to Trump, though He's managed to unite South America and

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being absolutely furious with him. That's the kind of coalition

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building we weren't expecting. Trump is back on his Greenland

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acquisition quest, criticizing Denmark's defense strategy of adding two new

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dog sled patrols. Now, I'm no Arctic military expert, but

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I imagine those dogs are probably pretty good at patrolling.

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You know.

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Trump claims This isn't about America. It's about freedom of

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the world, because when you think global freedom, you naturally

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think buying Greenland. He had a forty five minute phone

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call with Denmark's Prime minister that officials described as fiery

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and confrontational, which I assume means it went slightly better

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than his typical international calls. Denmark's currently defending Greenland with

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seventy five people and some dog sleds, which does sound

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like the setup to a heartwarming Disney movie about underdog

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saving the Arctic. But they're planning to up great, spending

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one point five billion dollars on new ships, drones, and yes,

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those two extra dog sled patrols that Trump finds so amusing.

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Trump insists the people wanna be with us, which is

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news to the people of Greenland. It's like declaring your

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neighbor's house is actually yours because you think their kitchen

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has better appliances. Meanwhile, Denmark is in crisis mode. The

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whole situation has European countries tiptoeing around like teenagers trying

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not to wake an angry parent. But hey, at least

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Denmark's getting some new dog sleds out of this whole situation.

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Though, something tells me that's not exactly what.

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Trump meant when he talked about putting more boots on

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the ground. Trump's looking at Gaza like it's a fixer

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upper that just needs to be cleaned out. His brilliant solution,

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just move one and a half million people somewhere else,

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maybe Jordan, maybe Egypt, maybe Indonesia. It's like he's picking

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vacation destinations, except instead of fun the sun, it's forced

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displacement of an entire population. Trump actually said, and I

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cannot stress enough that this is a real quote. I

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looked at a picture of Gaza. It's like a massive

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demolition site. Well, yes, that tends to happen when you

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know what. Never Mind, He then added, it's gotta be

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rebuilt in a different way, because nothing says peace in

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the Middle East like treating Gaza like an episode of

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Property Brothers. When asked about shipping two thousand pound bombs

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to Israel, Trump's response was peak Trump, because they bought them,

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that's right. His foreign policy is basically, the customer is

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always right, even when the customer is buying something that

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weighs as much as a car and explodes. Meanwhile, Jordan

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and Egypt are both saying absolutely not to taking in refugees.

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Indonesia was suggested as a possible destination, which makes about

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as much sense as suggesting Minneapolis. Jakarta's response was essentially,

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this is the first we're hearing about this, which is

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diplomatic speak for what are you talking about? But hey,

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at least Trump has a clear vision for post war

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governance in Gaza.

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Just kidding.

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He has no plan unless you count looking at pictures

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and saying that's rough, buddy, as a comprehensive peace strategy.

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Looks like the Cyrus family reunion this year is going

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to be tense. Billy Ray Cyrus performed at Trump's inaugural ball,

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and it went about as well as you'd expect a

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country star singing achy Breaky Heart at a political event

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in twenty twenty five would go. His son Trace took

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to Instagram to express concern about his father's well being,

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which is the celebrity equivalent of staging an intervention through

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your notes app. He wrote that the world has beaten

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down his father, which seems a bit dramatic until you

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remember Billy Ray had technical difficulties performing a song.

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From nineteen ninety two at a Trump rally.

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Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus is doing what any sensible person would

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do when their family drama goes public, absolutely nothing. She's

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nominated for a Grammy for her work on Beyonce's Country album,

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which is probably a much better use of her time

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than getting involved in whatever's happening with her dad's sound system.

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The Sour says Miley used to feel overwhelmed by family drama,

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shocking considering this is the same family that gave us

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Hannah Montana and multiple public Instagram letters. She's apparently in

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a great place now, which I assume means far away

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from any microphones at Trump events. And just to add

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another layer to this country music soap opera, Billy Ray

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divorced Miley's mom, Tish in twenty twenty two. But don't worry.

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A family source says they don't want to be this

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Cyrus family viewdy, though at this point Steve Harvey hosting

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them might actually help sort things out.

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Portions of today's program

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Were made with the help of Ai, Hanna Montana and

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two sled dogs.