Dec. 18, 2024

Trump's Canadian Takedown Tour PLUS Biden Says Nothing to Fear (But Maybe Fear a Little)

Show Notes
Transcript

President Biden tries to calm drone hysteria while Trump goes full History Channel conspiracy theorist. Plus, why some Americans think Orion's Belt is actually Amazon Prime's newest delivery fleet.

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WEBVTT

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From Washington, DC, where Joe Biden is back. Whether he

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realizes it or not, this is valid for Justin Trudeau.

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By the end of the week, he might be wishing

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Canada could be the fifty first state. Let's hit this.

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Joe Biden, remember him? Well, looks like President Biden is

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finally addressing drone Palooza twenty twenty four. You know those

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mysterious flying objects that have everyone in the Northeast looking

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up at the sky like they're waiting for their door

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dash order to drop from heaven. Biden says, there's nothing

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to farious going on, which, let's be honest, is exactly

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what someone would say if there was something to farius

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going on, but also exactly what someone would say.

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If there wasn't. Very helpful mister President.

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Meanwhile, Trump is out here doing his best History Channel

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ancient Aliens impression, suggesting there's some grand conspiracy, something strange

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is going on, he says, which is rich coming from

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a guy whose hair defies both gravity and explanation. The

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government agencies released this joint statement saying they've gotten over

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five thousand drone reports.

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Five thousand.

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That's like when your grandparents discover ring doorbell cameras and

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suddenly every squirrel is a potential cat burglar. Get this,

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They had to officially announce that some people were reporting

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stars as drones stars. I guess if you squint really hard,

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Orion's belt does kind of look like an Amazon Prime

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delivery fleet. And Biden's final take on why there are

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so many drones one started and everybody wanted to get

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in the deal.

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That's the most Grandpa explanation ever.

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And it's like when he probably explains TikTok, Well, someone

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did a dance and then everybody wanted to do the dance.

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So either we're dealing with the world's least.

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Threatening alien invasion or what happens when one million registered

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drone owners all decide to take their toys out for

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a spin.

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At the same time.

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My money's on the ladder, but I'm still keeping my

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tinfoil hat company in business just in case. Biden's finally

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weighing in on Congress's favorite hobby, playing the stock market

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with their insider baseball cards, and he's not exactly giving

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it five stars on robin Hood.

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You know what's wild.

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Biden's looking at Congress like that disappointed dad who just

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caught you trying to change your math grade with a pencil.

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He's basically saying, how do you look your constituents in

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the eye, which is politician speak for I'm not mad,

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I'm just disappointed. Biden himself never owned stocks during his

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senate years. That's like finding out your uncle never watched

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Game of Thrones while everyone else was losing their minds

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over dragons. Actually, it's more like finding out your uncle

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never watched Game of Thrones because he was writing the books.

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They're calling this new proposal the Ethics Act, which feels

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a bit on the nose. It's like naming your diet

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plan the Stop Eating so Much Cake Act, And then

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it would ban not just lawmakers, but there's spouses and

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kids too. Sorry, little Timmy, no game, stop stocks for

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your allowance. This isn't even the first time they've tried

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to stop congressional day trading. Obama signed a bill back

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in twenty twelve, and yet, somehow, mysteriously, incredibly, our elected

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officials are still somehow beating the market like they've got

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tomorrow's newspaper today. Biden's basically a lame duck. Now, So

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this is like when your roommate suggests a deep clean

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of the apartment the day.

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Before they move out.

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Sure, great idea, but maybe we could have had this

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conversation before you spent four years leaving dishes in the sink.

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So will anything change?

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Well, considering Congress moves slower than a DMV staffed entirely

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by sloths, I wouldn't bet on it. But then again,

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I'm not allowed to make any bets. I'm not a

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member of Congress. Wow, it looks like Trump's treating Canada

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like it's a disappointing season of The Apprentice. You're fired, Eh,

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Let me tell you something. When Trump calls Trudeau the

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governor of the fifty first state, that's like calling your

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neighbor's mansion a guesthouse. Canada's up there, like we literally

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burned down your White House once. But okay, Trump's over

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here playing economic Djengo with twenty five percent tariffs while

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Trudeau's popularity is dropping faster than a hockey puck in

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the Stanley Cup finals. And Doug Ford's threatening to cut

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off oil exports. That's like threatening to take away America's

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morning coffee.

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Bold strategy cotton.

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Trump's treating international trade like it's a zero sum game show.

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We're subsidizing Canada, he says, which is news to the

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millions of Americans who enjoy reasonably priced maple syrup and

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hockey equipment. Meanwhile, poor Justin Trudeau had to make that

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pilgrimage tomorrow Lago like it was some kind of golden

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throne room. The whole thing's getting messier than poutine in

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a food fight. And now now Trump's eyeing Europe like

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it's the next season of World Leader's Gone Wild. Macron's

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in trouble, Germany's government just fell apart, and the UK

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is standing there like Brexit.

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Wasn't fun enough.

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Huh, this is just the preview of Trump's second term.

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It's like watching the trailer for International Trade Wars. The

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Empire strikes back and Canada's playing the role of the

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first planet to get zapped. Who's taking bets on which

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ally gets the Trump treatment? Next? My money's on whoever

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lasts liked one of Biden's posts on x. Portions of

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today's program were made with the help of Ai Joe,

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Biden and Poutine.