June 13, 2025

Trump’s Bulldozers, Birthday Parade, and Confederate Base Names: A Week of Chaos

Show Notes
Transcript

President Trump contiunyes a dizzying week by paving over the Rose Garden—for high heels' sake—while launching personal flagpoles, gold Oval Office updates, and a ballroom “compliments of a man known as Donald J. Trump.” Meanwhile, he's prepping a massive birthday military parade to outshine the Pope, proposing to shut down FEMA duringhurricane season, and bringing back Confederate base names—sort of. It’s a whirlwind of bulldozers, branding, and baffling priorities.

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Calaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where we never promised you a rose garden.

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This is ballot that's right.

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And Fort Hitler that's just named after James Hitler from

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New Jersey.

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Let's hit this.

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Trump is paving over the Rose Garden. The Rose Garden

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one of the most iconic spots in American politics, and

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Trump's solution is concrete. That's like replacing the Mona Lisa

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with a paint by numbers.

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Kid. This will be much more practical for tourists.

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His reasoning, the grass is always wet and an inconvenience

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for women in high heels. So we're redesigning two hundred

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years of White House history because someone might get their

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shoes money. That's like tearing down the Lincoln Memorial because

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it doesn't have enough parking spaces. Trump also broke ground

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on two new flagpoles for the north and south lawns.

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He said the White House has needed flagpoles for two

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hundred years.

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Two hundred years.

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Apparently no one in the history of the presidency thought,

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you know what, this place needs more poles. George Washington

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must be rolling in his grave thinking, why didn't I

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consider more flagpoles? The American and pow Mia flags already

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fly on the White House roof every day, but apparently

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that's not enough flag coverage. We need ground level flags too.

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This is like having a watch and then buying a

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second watch for your other wrist.

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Now I'll really know what time it is.

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Trump walked over to a bulldozer after getting off Marine

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one to ceremonially break ground a bulldozer on the White

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House lawn. That's like using a chainsaw to carve a turkey. Technically,

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it'll work. The flagpoles are being paid for by Trump.

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He announced how generous the billionaire president is personally funding flagpoles.

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That's like Jeff Bezos announcing he's buying his own paper clips.

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We're supposed to be impressed by this act of patriotic charity.

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The Rose Garden project will take about two months to complete,

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finishing in August. Two months to pave over grass. I've

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seen roadwork projects take longer, but at least those serve

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a purpose beyond presidential shoe concerns. Trump has also added

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a new artwork of himself to the walls and gold

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tone flourishes to the Oval Office. Gold flourishes because nothing

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says man of the people, like redecorating your office in

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precious metals. What's next, diamond doorknobs, platinum light switches. He's

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also planning to add a ballroom, which he described as

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compliments of a man known as Donald J.

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Trump. A man known as Donald J. Trump.

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He's referring to himself in the third person, like a

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wrestling announcer in this corner, weighing in at presidential ego

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a man known as Donald J.

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Trump.

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On social media, Trump said the ballroom will be a

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wonderful addition and an example of the fun project I

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do while thinking about the world economy, the United States, China,

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Russia and lots of other countries, places and events. Fun

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projects like multitasking, but with international diplomacy and interior decorating.

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I'll solve world peace right after I pick out these curtains.

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National Park Service employees started the work on Monday. The

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National Park Service. These are the people who maintain our

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national treasures, and now they're running a presidential home improvement

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show today on this old white house. We're going to

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show you how to destroy historical landscaping. The limestone border

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that Malania Trump had added during her Rose garden renovation

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in the first term has already been removed in some places,

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So they're undoing previous Trump family renovations to do new

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Trump Family renovations. That's like remodeling your remodel. Honey, change

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my mind about the kitchen again. Reporters noticed the construction

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when they were taken to the South Lawn to wait

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for Trump's helicopter. Nothing says transparent government like reporters accidentally

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discovering your landscaping projects. Oh this, We're just completely changing

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the most famous garden in America.

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No big deal.

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The White House officials spoke anonymously because they weren't authorized

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to discuss changes to the Executive mansion. They need permission

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to talk about flagpoles. That's like needing security clearance to

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discuss the cafeteria menu. So Donald Trump is finally getting

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his military parade, and the timing couldn't be more perfect.

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The President's seventy ninth birthday falls on the same day

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as the New Pope celebration in Chicago.

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What are the odds?

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Defense Department sources are telling The Daily Mail that the

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White House desperately wants more people watching Trump's parade than

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celebrating Pope Leo the fourteenth's ascendancy. The Vatican says it's

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just a coincidence that they picked June fourteenth, claiming they

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scheduled it for the nearest Saturday when the Chicago White

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Sox weren't playing. Sure, and I just happened to wear

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my lucky socks to every comedy show.

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The Pope won't even be there.

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He's participating remotely from Rome with a video message. Meanwhile,

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Trump gets six six hundred soldiers, one hundred and fifty

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vehicles and fifty helicopters. The Pope gets a zoom call.

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Two Pentagon insiders told The Daily Mail they're quietly rooting

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for Team Pope. One actually said, lots of us in

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the building are rooting for Team Pope. That's like saying

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your own wedding planner is hoping the other bride's reception

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goes better. Trump's been obsessed with military parades ever since

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he saw France's Bastille Day celebration in twenty seventeen. He

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wanted something bigger than what they had on the Champs Elyse.

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And when Trump says he wants something bigger, he means it.

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This is a man who once claimed his inauguration had

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the largest crowd in history, when it demonstrably did not.

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Back in twenty eighteen, Trump tried to plan a parade

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that would cost ninety two million. Defense Department staffers allegedly

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started calling it the Trump and Parade, a play on

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the German word for military march, specifically referring to the

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one stage for Hitler's fiftieth birthday. Trump canceled that parade

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when Congress and the public mocked the price tag, but

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persistence pays off. Trump allegedly picked Pete Hegseth as Defense

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Secretary specifically because he'd be less likely to push back

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on the parade idea. Heg Seth calls it the biggest

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and most beautiful military parade in our nation's history. Most

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beautiful what's he judging a pageant and representing the Bradley

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Fighting Vehicles miss artillery. The current parade has a more

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modest price tag of forty five million dollars. Trump called

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this peanuts compared to the value of doing it. Forty

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five million dollars is pea nuts. I want to shop

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wherever Trump buys his peanuts. Army paratroopers will jump from

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aircraft to hand Trump an American flag for his birthday.

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That's right.

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Our elite military forces are now Amazon delivery drivers for

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presidential birthday gifts. Meanwhile, tickets to the Pope's event sold

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out immediately at five dollars each five dollars. For comparison,

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it costs forty five million dollars to watch Trump's parade,

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which breaks down to about six eight hundred dollars per

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solder if you're keeping track. The Internet is organizing something

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called fifty h five oh one fifty Protests fifty states.

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One movement planning a national Day of defiance to upstage

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Trump's parade. Their slogan is say no thrones, no crowns,

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no kings. Apparently someone forgot to tell them We already

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had that conversation in seventeen seventy six. One Pentagon source

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summed it up perfectly. Nobody enlist to march in a parade,

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especially on the president's birthday. That's the sound of military

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morale marching information right out the door. Trump announced he's

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restoring the names of army bases that honored Confederate generals.

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But here's the twist. They're not actually honoring the Confederates anymore.

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They're just using the same names to honor different people.

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That's like naming your dog Hitler but claiming you're honoring

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your uncle Henry, who happened to share the mustache. Fort

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Bragg is back to being Fort Bragg, but now it's

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named after Private Rowland L. Bragg, who fought in World

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War Two, instead of Confederate General Braxton Bragg.

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So we're keeping the name but swapping out the backstore.

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That's like keeping your ex's photo but telling people it's

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your cousin. The Army says it will take immediate action

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to restore the old names, but honor different soldiers with

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similar names and initials. We're not honoring the racist general,

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we're honoring this other guy who happens to have the

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exact same name. Total coincidence. Fort Eisenhower and Georgia named

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for the guy who led D Day is going back

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to Fort Gordon, but instead of honoring Confederates slave owner

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John Brown Gordon, it'll honor Master Sergeant Gary Gordon from

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the Battle of Mogadishu. So we're replacing the World War

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II hero who defeated fascism with a different hero just

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to get the old name back. That's like trading a

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Lamborghini for a Honda because you prefer the license plate.

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Trump contradicted his own army's explanation by saying Fort Greg

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Adams would become Fort Robert E.

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Lee Robert E.

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Lee, the commander of the Confederate Army, but the Army

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quickly clarified they meant Private fitz Lee.

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A Buffalo soldier who won the Medal of Honor.

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So either Trump doesn't know his own policy or he's

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just saying the quiet part out loud. Congress originally changed

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these names after George Floyd's murder in twenty twenty, with

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overwhelming bipartisan support. They even overrode Trump's veto. But now

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we're right back where we started, just with more creative paperwork.

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Fort Liberty became Fort Bragg again in March, supposedly honoring

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Roland L. Bragg, who was described as previously obscure. Previously obscure,

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they had to dig through military records to find someone

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with the right name. The bases that got renamed honored

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people who embody the best of the United States Army,

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including doctor Mary Edwards Walker, the only woman ever awarded

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a Medal of Honor, but apparently keeping those names would

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be too woke. One base honored Lieutenant Colonel Charity Adams Early,

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who led the only all black, all female Army battalion

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in Europe during World War Two. Congress just honored her

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descendants this year, but sure, let's go back to Confederate names.

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Trump called this a victory over wokeness that was softening

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the military. Softening because clearly the biggest threat to military

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readiness is having base names that don't honor people who

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fought against America. Nothing strengthens our armed forces like nostalgia

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for folks who tried to destroy the country. Portions of

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today's show were made with the help of AI