Dec. 9, 2024

Trump's Big Interview...and RFK's crazy Interview application

Show Notes
Transcript

Donald Trump, the man who once thought stealth planes were actually invisible, met with Prince William in Paris - and his first observation was basically "Wow, you're tall!" Real diplomatic genius there.

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Callaroga Shark Media.

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From Washington, DC, where Mac Davies is still sick, and

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Trump promised you'll be able to buy milk without getting shot.

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This is Ballot with your guest host Patrick Guttfield.

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That's right, and look, I know Freya sucks as the announcer,

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but man pretty hot, let's hit this. Donald Trump gave

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his first big post election interview, and it's like he's

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playing authoritarian bingo. Are soon to be President again? Sat

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down with Meet the Press and basically outlined his plan

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to turn America into the world's biggest reality show, The Apprentice,

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Democracy Edition.

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First up on Trump's to do list.

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Pardoning the January sixth rioters because nothing says law and

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order like giving get out of jail free cards to

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the folks who treated the Capitol like an escape room

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gone wrong. And speaking of jail, he wants to lock

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up Liz Cheney and the January sixth committee members. I

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guess in Trump's America, investigating a riot is worse than

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actually starting one. He's planning to end automatic citizenship for

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babies born to immigrant parents, you know, because nothing screams

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make America great again like telling newborns.

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They need to show their papers.

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He did throw a bone to the Dreamers, though, probably

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because someone reminded him they're old enough to vote now.

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On foreign policy, Trump played his favorite game at Maybe

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I talked to Putin.

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Maybe I didn't.

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It's like that old game show to tell the truth,

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except nobody's telling the truth and Putin's the host. He

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also said Ukraine should probably expect less aid, which in

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Trump speak is like telling your kid will see about

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that trip to Disney World and NATO. Trump's treating it

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like a gym membership. He'll stay if they give him

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a better deal, because apparently defending democracy is like taggling

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at a car dealership. Oh and about those tariffs making

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everything more expensive, Trump can't guarantee anything. Finally, some honesty, though,

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He did promise to keep Jerome Powell at the Federal Reserve,

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probably because firing the guy who controls interest rates isn't

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great for your real estate empire. He said his inaugural

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address will be a message of unity, and I think

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success brings unity, and I've experienced that. I've experienced it

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in my first term. As I've said, we're going to

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be talking about unity, and we're going to be talking

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about success, making our country safe, keeping people that shouldn't

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be in our country out.

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We have to do that.

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I know it doesn't sound nice, but we have to

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do that. Basically, it's going to be about bringing our

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country together. He also promised that Americans will be able

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to buy a loaf of bread without being shot, and

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in true Trump fashion, he wrapped it all up by

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saying success will bring unity, which is base like telling

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your ex you'll love me when I'm rich and famous.

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Though I guess in Trump's case it's more like you'll

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love me when I'm richer and.

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More famous again. So there you have it.

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Trump two point zero now with one hundred percent more unity.

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Unity may vary, terms and conditions apply. Past performance does

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not guarantee future results. Donald Trump, the man who once

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thought stealth planes were actually invisible, met with Prince William

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in Paris, and his first observation was basically, wow, you're tall.

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The real diplomatic genius there. The two apparently had a

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warm and friendly forty minute chat, which, in Trump's speak,

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probably means William managed to get three words in edgewise

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while Trump reminisced about that time he walked in front

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of the Queen and nearly caused an international incident. This

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all went down at Notre Dame Cathedral, which feels like

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this setup to a joke. So a president elect, a prince,

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and Emmanuel Macron walk into a cathedral, though I'm sure

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Trump was disappointed to learn that, despite its name, Notre

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Dame has nothing to do with football. Meanwhile, William also

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met with Jill Biden, probably just to cleanse his diplomatic palette,

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and somewhere in heaven, Queen Elizabeth is watching this whole

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thing thinking one had hoped the colonies would have sorted

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themselves out by now.

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By the way, if.

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You want to keep up on all the latest with

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the royals, follow the Palace Intrigue podcast, which is like this,

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but with less Trump and more making fun of Megan Markle.

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Oh, folks, grab your tenfoil.

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Hats and your Myers Briggs results, because RFK Junior's job

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application just leaked and it's wilder than a QAnon convention

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at a psychic fair. Want to work for our future

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health secretary, Well, first you'll need to take what appears

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to be a personality test designed by someone who binge

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watched the X Files while reading a psychology textbook upside down.

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The questionnaire asks if you require excessive admiration, which is

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apparently a red flag unless you're applying to be Trump's caddy.

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It also wants to know if you believe in telepathy

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and have bizarre fantasies, because nothing says qualified for public

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health like.

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Thinking you can read minds. But wait, there's more.

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The application needs to know if you hate poetry. That's right,

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your stance on Walt Whitman could determine whether you get

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to help run American health care? Do you try to

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avoid complex people, they ask, which is ironic considering who's

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asking the question. And just to make sure you're really qualified,

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they throw in some puzzles, because nothing proves you're ready

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to handle a national health crisis like solving a Highlights

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magazine brain teaser. The best part this is from the

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guy who thinks fluoride is the devil's mouthwash and plans

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to ban it from drinking water. Coming soon a nationwide

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epidemic of cavities. But hey, at least our government workers

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won't be telepaths. And remember, folks, this isn't just any

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old job application. This is for the Department of Health

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and Human Services. You know, the folks who will be

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in charge of, oh, just the entire nation's health.

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But don't worry.

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As long as you don't like poetry and it can

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solve a puzzle, you're probably qualified.

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This gives a whole.

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New meaning to government screening process. Welcome back to America's

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next top food crisis, where today we're talking about Red three,

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the food die that's about to get voted off the island.

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The FDA is finally taking a hard look at this

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petroleum based party crasher that's been living rent free in

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our candies since nineteen sixty nine. That's right, folks, this

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die is older than disco and apparently just as dangerous

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to public health. President elect Trump's pick for Health Secretary,

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RFK has been sounding the alarm about these dies faster

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than you can say artificially colored.

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Get this.

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Red three was already kicked out of cosmetics in nineteen ninety.

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That's right.

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We decided it wasn't safe enough to put on our bodies,

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but somehow it's still fine to put in them. That's

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like banning someone from your front yard but letting them

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live in your kitchen. So get ready, folks, your favorite

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candies might be getting a makeover soon. Your m and

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ms might look more like earth tones than a rainbow explosion,

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but hey, at least we won't be eating something that

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was banned from lipstick during the first Bush administration. And remember,

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if your kids suddenly start behaving better after this ban,

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you'll know why. Turns out, bouncing off the walls might

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have been less about the sugar and more about the

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petroleum based.

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Party in their pixie sticks.

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Portions of today's podcasts were made with the help of

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AI seventeen seventy six and Red Number three.