June 23, 2025

Trump’s 12-Hour Israel-Iran Ceasefire & Florida’s Alligator Alcatraz

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield skewers the surreal headlines of the day, starting with Donald Trump’s all-caps declaration of a “COMPLETE and TOTAL” 12-hour Israel-Iran ceasefire—an overnight timeout that feels more like a homework deadline than real diplomacy. From Truth Social theatrics to Iran’s pre-announced missile “warning shot” at a U.S. base in Qatar, Patrick dissects every eyebrow-raising detail and asks whether a subscription-style truce can really end decades of tension.Then it’s off to the Everglades, where Florida’s plan for a migrant detention camp dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz” turns Trump’s moat fantasies into humid reality. Natural security courtesy of gators and pythons? Check. Canvas tents in peak summer heat? Double-check.

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where Trump announced to ceasefire and all

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caps this is valid.

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Look, I can't even tell what's going on anymore. Let's

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just hit this.

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I'm Patrick Guttfield, and this is either the most optimistic

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twelve hour pieace deal in history or the world's first

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subscription based ceasefire. President Trump announced Monday evening that Israel

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and Iran have agreed to a complete and total ceasefire.

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And yes, he put it in all caps, because apparently

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international diplomacy now follows Twitter formatting rules. The ceasefire was

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to start around midnight, and hey, I went to bed,

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so let me know what happened, which give both countries

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time to finish their in progress final missions. That's not

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a peace treaty, that's a homework deadline. Okay, everyone, you

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have until midnight to get all your bombing out of

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your system.

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Then we're calling it quits.

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Trump says the war will be considered ended after twelve hours,

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which raises some obvious questions.

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Twelve hours.

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That's barely long enough to get a good night's sleep,

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let alone resolve decades of geopolitical tension. Most people take

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longer lunch breaks than the ceasefire is supposed to last.

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This whole announcement has the energy of someone trying to

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pause an argument right before dinner. Look, can we just

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table the existential military conflict until tomorrow?

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I've got a thing.

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The fact that Trump capitalized complete and total and ceasefire

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and ended makes this read less like a diplomatic breakthrough

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and more like a really aggressive email from your homeowners association.

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And what exactly constitutes winding down military operations? Are they

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going to slowly reduce the intensity of their attacks over

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the next six hours? Okay, we'll go from heavy bombing

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to medium bombing to just really stern looks calling a

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twelve hour break a permanent ceasefire is like calling a

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bathroom break the end of a marathon. Sure you stopped running,

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but everyone knows you're getting back on the track. The

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timing is also suspiciously convenient. Six hours to wrap up

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current missions than twelve hours of peace.

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That's basically giving both.

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Sides time to reload and plan their next moves, while

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calling it diplomacy. At this point, international conflict resolution has

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become the political equivalent of hitting the snooze button. Just

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give us twelve more hours, then we promise we'll deal

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with this properly. I'm waiting for the follow up announcement.

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The ceasefire has been extended by another twelve hours because

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both countries need more time to wind down their final missions,

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which apparently now include ordering more ammunition. This ceasefire follows

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Iron's decision to launch missiles at a US military base

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in Katar, which is kind of like bringing a water

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gun to a paintball fight. Technically you're participating, but everyone

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knows you're not really trying. President Trump called it a

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very weak response, which honestly sounds like something you'd write

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in a Yelp review for a disappointing restaurant two stars.

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The missile attack was.

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Underwhelming, the explosions lacked flavor, and the destruction was practically nonexistent.

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Would not recommend for serious acts of war. And here's

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the kicker. Iran warned us in advance. That's not an attack.

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That's a strongly worded letter with fireworks. It's the international

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relations equivalent of telling someone you're going to toilet paper

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their house and then asking if Tuesday works better for them.

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Trump posted on truth Social that Iran has gotten it

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all out of their system. And yes, he put system

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in quotes, which makes it sound like Iran just needed

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to have a good cry and maybe eat some ice cream.

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They're there, Iran, feel better. Good, Now, let's all play nice.

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Qatar managed to intercept all but one missile, which sounds

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impressive until you realize that Iran only sent nineteen missiles total.

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That's not a coordinated military strike. That's barely a decent

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fireworks show. I've seen more aggressive bottle rocket displays. On

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the fourth of July. Meanwhile, Israel expanded its campaign to

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target symbolic sites in Iran, which included blowing open a

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gate at Evan Prison. Now I'm no military strategist, but

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if your war plan includes dramatically open prison doors, you

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might be running out of actual military targets. What's next

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aggressively rearranging Iran's garden furniture. They also hit the headquarters

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of the military force that suppressed recent protests, which is

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oddly specific. That's like going to someone's house during a

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fight and specifically targeting their least favorite couch. The best part,

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Iran announced their attack on state television with martial music playing.

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Nothing says serious military operation like adding a soundtrack. I'm

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surprised they didn't include slow motion replays and instant analysis

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from retired generals. This whole situation has devolved into the

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world's most dangerous game of I'm Not Touching You, played

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between nuclear powers. Iran's essentially saying we attacked you, but

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we warned you first and aimed for the empty parking lot. Meanwhile,

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Israel's response is to symbolically redecorate Tehran's government buildings, so

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by the time you hear this, we're at war peace

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and probably both and neither and five times at that.

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Florida has officially entered the whole my beer phase of

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immigration policy by building what they're calling Alligator Alcatraz, and yes,

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that's the actual nickname they chose, because when you're designing

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a detention facility, why not lean into the bond Villain esthetic.

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The state is converting an airfield in the Everglades into

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a migrant detention center, which sounds like someone took the

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worst possible Airbnb listing and said perfect.

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We'll take it.

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The location comes complete with natural security guards in the

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form of alligators and pythons, because apparently Florida's Attorney general

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James Uthmeyer figured why hire guards when nature already them

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for free. Uthmeyer actually said the state won't need to

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invest much in security because of the dangerous wildlife surrounding

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the area. That's not a security plan. That's outsourcing your

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job to reptiles. What's next using hurricanes as air conditioning.

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The Trump administration is thrilled about this.

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Naturally.

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Trump spent his first term fantasizing about building a moat

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filled with alligators along the southern border, so this is

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basically his immigration fever dream come to life. He wanted spikes,

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razor wire, and black paint to make the border wall

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more terrifying, so a detention center surrounded by actual predators

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must feel like Christmas Morning to him. The Department of

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Homeland Security says they want some of these tents operational

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by July, which means they're planning to stick people in

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canvas shelters in the Florida swampland during peak summer heat.

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That's not detention. That's a survival reality show nobody's signed

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up for. Portions of Today's pro Program were made with

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the help of AI