April 28, 2025

Trump 'Saves' Columbus Day While Cyndi Lauper Finally Has Fun

Patrick Gutfield skewers Trump's mission to rescue a holiday that was never missing, plus hilarious takes on the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's newest members—where OutKast says "Hey Ya" to immortality and Chubby Checker twists his way in at eighty-three.

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga Shark media from Washington, d C. Where at least

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Trump's funeral suit wasn't tan. This is ballot ah.

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Yes, the tan suit that destroyed the Obama presidency.

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Never forget Hi.

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I'm Patrick Gutfield, and President Trump just declared he's bringing

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Columbus Day back from the ashes. Because nothing screams presidential

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priorities like resurrecting a holiday that, wait for it, already exists.

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That's right, Columbus Day is still a federal holiday. Federal

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workers still get the day off, there are still parades,

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but apparently it needs saving. Trump took to truth Social

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which is basically Twitter for people who've been kicked off Twitter,

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to announce this crucial mission. He wrote that Democrats did

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everything possible to destroy Christopher Columbus, his reputation and all

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of the Italians that love him so much.

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You know what's true?

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Impressive the way Trump positioned himself as the great defender

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of Italian Americans. I mean, who knew when Columbus sailed

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the Ocean Blue in fourteen ninety two that he'd eventually

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need Donald Trump to protect his legacy. It's like if

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someone said, you know who the Roman Empire really needed

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a guy who puts his name on stakes. Trump went

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on to say, I am hereby reinstating Columbus Day under

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the same rules, dates, and locations as it has had

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for all of the many decades before. So he's reinstating

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what's exactly what already exists. This is like me announcing

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I'm bringing back Tuesday starting tomorrow. You're welcome, America. For

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those who don't know, Biden did become the first president

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to officially commemorate Indigenous People's Day, though he still celebrated

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Columbus Day two. It's like when your parents get divorced

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and now you have two Christmases. Everybody wins, except in

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this case, one side is celebrating exploration and the other

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side is acknowledging genocide. The Italian American Civil Rights League

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responded with he told us when we endorsed him, he

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would save Columbus Day. I haven't seen this much excitement

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over a fake rescue since I told my nephew I

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saved his imaginary friend from quicksand so rest easy, America.

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The holiday that was never actually in danger has been

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saved by a man who just discovered it was supposedly

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in danger.

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Next up.

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Trump promises to save pizza from the radical left, and

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vows to bring back the super Bowl. The Rock and

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Roll Hall of Fame just announced thirteen new inductees, and

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let me tell you, this list is more diverse than

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the food court at a New Jersey mall. Cindy Lauper

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made it in on her second nomination, which makes sense

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because girls just want to have fun. But apparently they

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also want to wait around for a second nomination before

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getting into the Hall of Fame. Outcast got in on

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their first try. Andre three thousand and Big Boy can

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now officially say hey yeah to rock immortality. They mixed funk, jazz, soul,

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and hip hop, creating a sound so unique that music

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executives still don't know how to categorize it, but apparently

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the Hall of Fame committee figured it out. Warren Zevon

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finally made it in posthumously. The man who gave us

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Werewolves of London had to literally die before they'd let

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him in. I guess his lawyer's guns and money couldn't

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speed up the process. Chubby Checker also got inducted. The

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man who taught America to twist is now eighty two

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years old at this point, when he says, let's twist again,

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his doctor probably says absolutely not. That's terrible for your back.

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The White Stripes made it into just Jack and Meg White,

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proving you don't need a full band to rock. Two

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people creating all that noise. They're like the musical equivalent

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of My upstairs neighbors. An Oasis didn't make the cut.

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Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher probably didn't even notice

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because they were too busy fighting with each other.

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And Mariah, she's.

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Probably saving her induction for Christmas season when she thaws

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out annually to sing all I Want for Christmas is You.

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Pepa got in under the musical influence category. They were

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the female rap group that, according to the Hall, flip

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the male dominated genre on its head. In other words,

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while male rappers were saying push it, salt and Pepa

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actually pushed it. So there you have it, thirteen new

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members in the rock pantheon. The induction ceremony is happening

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November eighth in Los Angeles, which means we're just seven

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months away from watching a bunch of seventy year olds

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try to play their hits without throwing out their backs.

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The Vatican just announced.

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That the conclave to elect a new pope will start

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on May seventh, which means were just days away from

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the world's most elaborate smoke signal system. It's like a

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gender reveal party, but for the entire Catholic Church.

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Over one hundred and thirty cardinals.

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Under the age of eighty we'll get to vote for

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the next pope. That's right, if you're a cardinal who's

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eighty one, Sorry, buddy, you're out. It's like the Catholic

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version of Logan's Run, except instead of being terminated, you

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just don't get to pick the next guy who will

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wear the fancy hat. The whole thing requires a two

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thirds majority to elect the new pope, and the cardinals

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aren't allowed to leave until they choose someone.

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Can you imagine.

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Being locked in a room with one hundred and thirty

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other people until you all agree on something. That's not

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a conclave. That's my idea of hell. The last time

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my family tried to decide on a restaurant, three people

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stopped speaking to each other during the voting process. Everyone

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watches the chimney on top of the Sistine Chapel.

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Black smoke means no Pope.

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White smoke means we're cross promoting our other podcast. It's

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literally the only time in history when people are happy

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to see white smoke coming from a building. The Vatican

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says the cardinals have been holding regular meetings where the

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sausage of a papal election really gets ground. That's an

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unfortunate metaphor considering the church's scandals, but hey, they said it,

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not me. Pope Francis was elected in just two days

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during the last conclave, and twenty thirteen two days. That's

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faster than most people take to decide what to watch

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on Netflix. Should we binge Stranger Things or try that

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new documentary? I don't know, let's just pick a pope instead.

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All I know is somewhere in Rome right now, there's

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a cardinal practicing his Oh my goodness, I can't believe

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you chose me face in the mirror. Just in case

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the ultimate humble brag, what little old me? Well, if

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God insists. Portions of today's program were made with the

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help of Christopher Columbus, Ai Salt, and Peppa