Jan. 21, 2025

Trump Returns to Power: Inaugural Plans Include Renaming Gulf of Mexico, Biden's Last-Minute Family Pardons, and Melania's Windy Welcome

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where Trump's back in the White House

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and already planning to rename the Gulf of Mexico.

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This is ballot, that's right.

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And next week he's planning to rename Mount Rushmore to

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Mount much better than Obama.

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Let's hit this.

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I'm Patrick Gutfield, and Trump is back like that house

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guest who says they're leaving but then remembers they forgot

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their phone charger upstairs.

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And what an inauguration.

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He moved it inside the Capitol Rotunda because apparently the

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weather wasn't gold plated enough for his taste. His speech

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was basically make America golden again, twenty nine minutes of

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promises that sound like they were written on the back

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of a Trump stakes rapper.

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He's planning to rename.

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The Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, so

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which makes about as much sense as renaming French Fries

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to Freedom. Oh wait, we actually did that once, thanks Obama.

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And speaking of ambitious plans, he wants to seize the

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Panama Canal. You know, just a casual Monday announcement about

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taking another country's property. At seventy eight years old Trump

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has become the oldest president ever inaugurated, beating Biden's record

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by five a whole months. It's like a reverse Benjamin

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Button situation in American politics. We just keep getting older presidents. Meanwhile,

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Vice President jd. Vance is forty, making him the third

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youngest vice president in history. That's not an administration. That's

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a remake of grumpy old men with an apprentice. Trump

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is the second president ever to return after losing reelection.

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The first was Grover Cleveland, who I'm pretty sure never

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threatened to rename any bodies of water. His twenty nine

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minute speech was basically a Greatest Hits album of Trump promises.

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He is going to declare an emergency at the border

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and DEE programs and I'm not making this up next week,

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renamed Canada to North Montana. After the main ceremony, Trump

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gave a second speech where he basically told everyone the

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first one wasn't as good. That's like a chef coming

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to your table and saying, hey, ignore that first stake

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I sent out. This one's way better, and get this.

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He's still talking about twenty twenty being rigged. Some things

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never change. It's like that friend who still brings up

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their high school football glory days, except the glory days

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are that time I lost but said I didn't. Milania

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spent the day wearing a hat that looked like she

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was an extra in weird Al's Amish Paradise video.

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According to Trump.

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Malania's day was basically the Wizard of Oz meets March

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of the Penguins. She had to walk what Trump described

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as five football fields, which in Trump measurements is somewhere

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between very far and nobody's ever walked this far before,

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believe me.

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But the real drama came when Malania.

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Apparently almost achieved liftoff near the helicopter. Trump described his

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wife nearly ascending to the heavens like Mary Poppins without

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the umbrella.

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We almost lost her.

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She was being elevated off the ground, he said, describing

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what sounds less like a first Lady moment and more

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like a Weather Channel highlight reel. And let's talk about

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those aching feet. Trump threw in that detail like he

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was revealing state secrets. I shouldn't say this. I'm going

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to get hell when I say this, Sir, Discussing your

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wife's footpaint at your inauguration is certainly a choice. It's

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giving big guy who tells everyone his wife is mad

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at him energy. You know how most people finish their

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jobs by cleaning out their desk and maybe stealing a stapler.

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Biden wrapped up his presidency by handing out pardons like

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they're going out of style. Not just regular pardons, We're

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talking preemptive pardons. That's like getting a hall pass before

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you even decide to skip class. Now Trump's got what

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he calls an enemy's list, which sounds less like presidential

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planning and more like what my neighbor Dave keeps in

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his garage next to his conspiracy theory vision board. And

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who's on this VIP pardon list? Doctor Fauci, who spent

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the pandemic telling us to wash our hands and wear masks,

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which apparently was very controversial advice. It's like getting death

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threats for suggesting.

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People wear seatfelts.

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Then there's General Millie, who's probably thinking, I served forty

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three years in the military, and this is my retirement gift,

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a get out of jail free card for doing my job.

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And let's not forget Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, two

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Republicans who committed the apparently unforgivable crime of Check's notes

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investigating an.

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Attack on the Capitol.

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That's like getting in trouble for calling the cops during

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a break in. Biden's basically saying, look, I know none

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of these people did anything wrong, but just in case

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someone decides to investigate them for not doing anything wrong,

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here's a pardon, which is a sentence that makes perfect sense.

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In twenty twenty five America, Biden pulled off the political

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equivalent of sneaking out of a party through the kitchen.

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While everyone was focused on Trump practicing his acceptance speech

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in the mirror, Biden was handing out pardons like they

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were party favors at a family reunion. You know that

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moment when you're leaving a restaurant and you grab a

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handful of mints. That's basically what Biden did, except instead

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of mints, he pardoned five family members and he didn't

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even have.

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To ask the hostess if it was okay.

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James Biden, Sarah Biden, Valerie Owens, John Owens, and Francis

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Biden all got pardons faster than you can say family discount.

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The timing is perfect.

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While Trump was probably deciding which gold tie to where

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Biden was playing presidential get out of jail free card

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and James Biden He's been in more hot water than

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a tea bag lately. The Republicans wanted to investigate him

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so badly they were practically camping outside his house with

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binoculars and a thermos of coffee. But now that investigation

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has about as much momentum as a room but with

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dead batteries. Biden says, this isn't an admission of guilt,

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it's just protection from politically motivated investigations, which is kind

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of like saying you're wearing a raincoat because you're afraid

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of the forecast, not because it's actually raining. Trump has

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some pardons of his own. He's planning to pardon around

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seven hundred January sixth defendants, which is like giving everyone

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at a very rowdy block party a get out of

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jail free card. And when I say rowdy, I mean

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the kind where someone brings a shaman outfit and takes

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selfies in the speaker's chair. Trump called it a day

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of love, which is an interesting way to describe what happened.

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That's like calling a tornado a spirited breeze or referring

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to the Titanic's maiden voyage as a slightly damped cruise.

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And here's the kicker. Some of these folks will get

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their voting and gun rights back, because nothing says protecting

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democracy quite like restoring rights to people who tried to

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stop democracy.

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That's like giving someone.

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Who crashed your car the keys to your new one.

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Portions of today's show were made with the help of

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Ai and Milania's hat