May 6, 2025

Trump Plans Birthday Tank Parade as Jersey Scrambles for IDs and Robot Trucks Hit Texas

Patrick Gutfield delivers a biting commentary on Trump's multi-million dollar birthday parade plans complete with tanks and seven bands. Meanwhile, New Jersey residents can't get REAL IDs before the deadline, and driverless trucks are now operating...

Show Notes
Transcript

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Caalaroga Shark media from New Jersey, where you probably don't

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have real ID. This is ballot. No you don't, but

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you're gonna wish you did. Let's hit this.

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I'm Patrick Guttfield, and President Trump is getting that military

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parade he's been dreaming about since he saw one in

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France and thought, I want that, but bigger and with

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my name on it. According to plans leaked to the AP,

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the Army is preparing for a potential parade that would

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just happen to fall on Trump's seventy ninth birthday. What

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a coincidence. Nothing says happy birthday like six six hundred

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soldiers marching past your reviewing stand. The Army's blueprint calls

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for more than six thousand troops, one hundred and fifty vehicles,

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fifty helicopters, seven bands, and possibly two thousand civilians, because apparently,

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when you turn seventy nine, you need a tank battalion

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instead of a cake. The documents don't include any price estimates,

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but experts say it would likely cost tens of millions

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of dollars, which makes sense. Birthday parties get more expensive

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the older you get. Remember when Trump tried this in

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his first term. That plan got scrapped when estimates hit

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ninety two million dollars. Even Trump was like, that's too

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much for a birthday present for now. DC Mayor Muriel

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Bowser has already warned that tanks would destroy the city's

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streets and would need many millions of dollars to repair

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the roads, because nothing celebrates America like crumbling infrastructure. The

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Army says no final decisions have been made yet, but

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they're excited about plans for their two hundred and fiftieth

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anniversary celebration. It's like when your spouse wants a small

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dinner party for their birthday, but you've already invited the

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entire neighborhood, hired seven bands, and ordered a tank. This

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potential parade comes right after Trump announced on ruth Social

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that he wants to rename Veterans Day to Victory Day

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for World War One and Victory in Europe Day to

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Victory Day for World War II, because apparently our holidays.

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Aren't patriotic enough.

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What's next Renaming Thanksgiving to America beat the Turkey's Day anyway.

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According to the documents, the parade would include striker vehicles, tanks,

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Bradley vehicles, Paladin artillery, howitzers, seven Army bands, and the Golden.

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Knights parachute team.

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There would even be a concert and fireworks afterward, because

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when you've already spent tens of millions on a birthday party,

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what's a few more million for some sparklers. The biggest

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concern listed in the documents is where they would house

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all these troops. Maybe they could all stay at Trump Hotels.

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I hear they have very special rates for government employees

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with tanks. New Jersey is in full panic mode. And

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it's not because Bruce Springsteen is moving to la again.

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This time, it says the real ID deadline arrives faster

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than a Garden State driver changing six lanes without a blinker.

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Starting Wednesday, Americans need a real ID passport or other

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federally approved identification to board domestic flights a New Jersey. Well,

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they're about as prepared as a snowplow driver. In July,

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according to CBS News, just seventeen percent of state issued

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IDs in New Jersey are real ID compliant, the lowest

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rate in the nation. That's right, the state famous for

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the Sopranos is now starring in the Procrastinators. People are

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desperately hunting for appointments like they're searching for parking at

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the mall. On Black Friday, Melissa Susco from Nutley only

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got her appointment by obsessively checking the Motor Vehicle Commission

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website at exactly midnight. Her friend is driving all the

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way to Cape May for an appointment, a journey so

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long you practically need a passport just to make the trip.

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Al Sohey, a driving instructor from North Caldwell has simply

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given up trying to get a real ID. The irony

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of a driving instructor who can't navigate the DMV system

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is just chef's kiss. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania's Transportation secretary says they're

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dealing with tens of thousands of folks weekly seeking IDs.

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Nothing gets Americans moving like a government deadline that's been

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delayed for years. The good news for Jersey residents, eighty

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percent already have passports, the highest rate in the country.

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I guess when your state smells like that, people always

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want to have an escape plan ready. For those without passports,

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the TSA recommends arriving an hour earlier and bringing back

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up ID because nothing makes air travel more enjoyable than

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extra waiting time and paperwork.

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State officials insist that they're uploading.

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Thousands of new appointments daily and even have an emergency

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program for life or death travel, though in New Jersey

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getting through the Lincoln Tunnel during rush hour might qualify

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as life or death travel, so as the deadline arrives,

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officials are urging calm and patient, two qualities famously abundant

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among New Jersey drivers. Remember, folks arrive early, bring back

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up ID, and if all else fails, just tell the

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TSA agent you're John bon Jovi's cousin. There's a fifty

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to fifty chance you actually are. Driverless trucks are now

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officially running their first regular long haul routes between Dallas

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and Houston.

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Yeah, that's happening.

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Aurora, an autonomous trucking company, just launched their commercial service

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in Texas with their first customers, Uber Freight and Hirschbach

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Motor Lines. These companies have been doing test runs with

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safety drivers, but now no humans needed.

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The CEO of Aurora, Chris Ermson.

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Is out there bragging about how they're the first company

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to successfully and safely operate a commercial driverless trucking service.

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On public roads. Have you seen these trucks.

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They're equipped with computers and sensors that can supposedly see

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the length of over four football fields. In four years,

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they have delivered over ten thousand customer loads during practice runs,

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and as of Thursday, these robot trucks have completed over

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one two hundred miles without a human behind the wheel.

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They're starting with just one self driving truck now, but

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plan to add more by the end of twoenty twenty five.

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One truck.

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That's like having one autonomous clown in a circus. Ladies

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and gentlemen, please welcome our single autonomous clown.

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He drives himself to work.

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This self driving technology has been hyped for over a decade,

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with auto companies like Tesla and GM pouring billions into it.

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They always test in Texas and California because apparently those

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are the only two states where robot trucks are acceptable.

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California based companies Gaddock and Kodiak Robotics are also in

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this game, while Waimo, Google's robot car division actually gave

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up on trucks last year to focus on robot taxis instead.

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But not everyone's thrilled about this development.

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Consumers and transportation officials have raised concerns about safety, and

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truck driver unions are fighting it because well, robot trucks

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don't need union memberships or bathroom breaks. So next time

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you're driving between Dallas and Houston, just remember that truck

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next to you might not have a driver. AI can

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really do anything these days. It can drive a truck,

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It can turn your photo into a cartoon. It seems

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the only thing it can't do is write me a

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joke that's actually funny.

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See you tomorrow.