Nov. 14, 2024

Trump picked WHO to be in the cabinet? Surely this show is parody!

Show Notes
Transcript

If we used an AI to create the show and TRIED to make ridiculous picks for Trump's cabinet we wouldn't be THIS funny.

Unfortunately everything on today's show is REAL even though our legal team insists we remind you this show is parody.

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WEBVTT

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Caalaroga Shark media from Washington, DC, where we can't even

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make this shit up. This is ballot that's right. I

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know I say this show is parody. But what's crazy

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is today I'm just reporting the news and well, you're

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not going to believe any of it. Let's hit this

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where to even begin. Let's go in chronological order. Trump

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just announced his new Department of Government Efficiency, which sounds

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about as real as his natural hair color. He's putting

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Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswami in charge because nothing says

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efficient government like a guy who tanks companies for fun

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and another guy who's name Trump still can't pronounce, and

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nothing says efficient government. Then having two bosses, you know

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it's serious because Trump called them wonderful Americans. That's like

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when your aunt calls her MLM business a wonderful opportunity.

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The department won't actually be part of the government, which

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is perfect because neither of these guys has any government experience.

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It's like putting Pete Davidson in charge of relationship counseling.

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Musk says they'll have a leaderboard for the dumbest ways

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tax dollars are spent finally a government scoreboard where Trump

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can actually be number one at something. And get this,

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they're promising maximum transparency, coming from the guys who brought

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you Twitter turned X and I totally won the Iowa caucus.

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That's like McDonald's promising maximum nutrition. The best part, Musk

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won't even be a government employee because he'd have to

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give up his companies. Apparently running Twitter into the ground

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is a full time job. Meanwhile, Ramaswami, fresh off his

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failed presidential campaign, is telling Democrats to give Trump a chance. Yeah,

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and while we're at it, let's give Florida snowplows a chance.

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There is some good news, though, Department of Government efficiency

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is doge as in dogecoin as in my crypto wallet

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made a killing off this, Thanks Trump. Okay, so that's

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pretty ridiculous. What's next? Trump nominated Marco Rubio as Secretary

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of State, which is quite the plot twist, considering Trump

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once called him little Marco and said he sweats more

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than a guy doing hot yoga in a sauna. I

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guess in Trump's world, being mocked relentlessly is just part

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of the job interview process. Remember when Trump said Rubio

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was weak like a baby and suggested he needed a

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sippy cup during debates. Now he's calling him a fearless warrior,

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the kind of dramatic turnaround that gives you whiplash. Trump

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also once tweeted that Rubio couldn't get elected dogcatcher in Florida.

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Now he wants him to be America's top diplomat. I

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guess that makes sense. If you can dodge Trump's insults

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for eight years, you can probably dodge any diplomatic crisis.

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And let's not forget when Trump said Rubio looked like

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a little boy on stage. Now he's putting that little

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boy in charge of dealing with world leaders. It's like

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when your parents finally let you sit at the grownups

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table at Thanksgiving. Except the table is international diplomacy the

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best part. Trump once mocked Rubio's famous water sipping moment

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during a speech. Now Rubio might be sipping water in

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meetings with foreign leaders. At least he'll stay hydrated while

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trying to explain whatever Trump tweets at three am. Okay, well,

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it probably can't get crazier than that, can it. Well?

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Trump just nominated Pete Hegseth from Fox and Friends Weekend

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as Secretary of Defense because apparently watching war movies during

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commercial breaks counts his military experience. Now, it's like making

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me Secretary of Agriculture because I once killed a house plant.

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Heg Seth, whose main qualification seems to be explaining why

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your grandmother is mad at her TV remote, will now

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be in charge of the world's most powerful military. He's

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best known for hosting a show where the hardest tactical

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decision is choosing which War on Christmas story to cover first.

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And get this, heg Seth wants to eliminate woke programs

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from the military within twenty four hours because nothing says

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military readiness like Spence in your first day as Defense secretary,

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fighting pronouns instead of you know, actual enemies. The best part,

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He's worried that having men and women serve together makes

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the situation more complicated. Yeah, because the Pentagon was just

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running too smoothly before. It's like complaining that your dumpster

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fire isn't organized enough. Trump picked him over actual defense experts,

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proving once again that in maga world, the only qualification

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you need is the ability to say, but Hunter Biden's

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laptop with a straight face. Republicans are calling him tremendously capable,

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which in Washington speak means please don't primary me. So

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now you must think I'm really making things up. What

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if I told you the least crazy thing that happened

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was Trump naming Tulsei Gabbard as his Director of National Intelligence,

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proving that party hopping is the new Olympic sport in Washington.

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She's gone from Democrat to independent to Republican faster than

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Trump goes through lawyers talk about the political equivalent of

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changing your relation ship status to it's complicated. Trump called

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her a proud Republican, which is technically true if you

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count since last month as a long term commitment. That's

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like calling me a vegetarian because I had a salad

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for lunch yesterday. Now you're like, Mac, that's crazy. Look,

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I didn't say it wasn't crazy. Of course it's crazy.

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I said it was the least crazy. But I've saved

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the craziest for last. But first, let's take a break

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for some commercials so I can make money to buy

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more dosh coin. Okay, by this point, you're like Mac,

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you're just making stuff up today. None of this can

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possibly be real. Well, hold your hats. Trump just nominated

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Matt Gates for Attorney General, proving once again that in magaworld,

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criminal justice experience is more about the criminal part than

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the justice part. It's like making Pete Davidson the head

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of relationship counseling. Oh wait, I already used that joke,

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But hey, so does Gayets with his explanations. The guy

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who's been under more investigations than a teenager's browser history

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is now so supposed to run the justice department. Oh wait,

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I mixed up the order there, But the words teenager

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and history were definitely supposed to be part of the sentence.

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That's like putting a fox in charge of the hen

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house if the fox had also been investigated for hanging

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out with underage hens. Senator Lisa Murkowski said this wasn't

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on her bingo card. Neither was Congressman who might need

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a lawyer becoming America's top lawyer. I guess in Trump's America,

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that's what they call failing upward, way way upward. And

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get this. Gets wants to abolish the FBI. That's like

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a kid wanting to abolish the principal's office right after

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getting caught puting whoope cushions on all the teacher's chairs.

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Trump says Gates will restore americans badly shattered faith in

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the Justice Department, which is like hiring the kool aid

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man to restore faith in wall integrity. The best part

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he's never worked as a prosecutor at any level of government,

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but hey, who needs experience when you've got firsthand experience

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being investigated. It's like making me the Secretary of Transportation

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because I once got a speeding ticket. Legally, Today's show

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was parody, man, I wish that it was parody, but

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all the stories were true. I know. I can't believe

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it either. It's like someone used AI to help them

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create a podcast or at least a cabinet. See you

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tomorrow where we can talk about Secretary of Education Rob

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Schneider