Aug. 9, 2024

Trump gives rambling press conference and brags about outdoing MLK Jr.

Show Notes
Transcript

Trump bragged about his crowd sizes

Kalama Harris gave some protestors the Marge Simpson Face

Biden seemed to be confused that the Texas Rangers are the World Series Champions. We are too.

We made up a story about RFK and squirrels. Or did we?

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Calaroga Shark Media from Washington, d C. Where more people

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are listening to Ballot than listen to the Joe Rogan experience.

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This is Ballot, that's right.

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Today we learned that you can claim any kind of

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crowd numbers you want. This show is more popular than

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the super Bowl.

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So let's hit this.

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All right, folks, Buckle up, We've got a doozy of

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a story straight from the land of spray tans and

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alternative facts. Donald the Donald Trump held a press conference

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that was about as coherent as a cat trying to

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read Shakespeare. In this latest episode of America's Got Political Talent,

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Trump treated us to a smorgasbord of his greatest hits.

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He claimed, Kamala Harris wants to force feed us electric

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cars like a mom trying to get her kid to

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eat broccoli. Then, in a plot twist worthy of the

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sixth sense, he declared that Harris isn't smart enough to

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do a news conference.

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But wait, there's more.

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Trump, Ever, the humble soul spared himself to Martin Luther

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King Junior. That's right, folks, He claimed his rallies drew

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bigger crowds than the eye have a dream speech, because

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nothing says civil rights like boasting about crowd sizes. Trump

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actually said, if you look at Martin Luther King when

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he did his speech, his great speech, and you look

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at ours, same real estate, same everything, same number of people.

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If not, we had more. And no, this portion of

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the podcast was not made with the help of AI.

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He actually said that social media had a field day

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with this one. One user called it bad improv, which

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is an insult to bad improv everywhere. Anthony Scaramucci, who

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spent more time as Trump's press secretary than most people

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spend on hold with their cable company, suggested Trump is frightened.

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Maybe he's scared of electric cars.

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My ex girlfriend, Norma said Trump was saying a lot

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of annoying things that made no sense, and believe me,

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she's an expert on both those subjects. Trump threw down

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the debate gauntlet to Kamala Harris. He's calling for three

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televised debates, including one on Fox News, because nothing says

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fair and balanced like debating on a network that treats

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you like the second coming of George Washington. Am I right,

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But here's where it gets interesting, folks. Trump, in a

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move that shocked absolutely. No one tried to got Harris

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into doing a news conference. He claims she's not smart

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enough to handle one. This from a guy who once

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suggested injecting disinfectant to cure COVID. Pot Meet kettle, kettle,

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meet industrial sized orange spray tan. Then Trump actually defended

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Joe Biden. I know, I know, I had to check

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if pigs were flying. Two, he suggested the presidency was

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taken away from Biden. And let's not forget Tim the

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Walls Walls, who Trump claims is heavy into the transgender world.

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I didn't realize being supportive of human rights was now

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considered a radical position.

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But here we are.

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Some pro Palestinian protesters decided to mess with Kamala.

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Picture this.

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Harris is in Detroit, probably hoping to talk about exciting

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topics like infrastructure and tax policy, when suddenly BAM protesters

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decide it's their time to shine. But our VP isn't

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having any of it. She's got that look in her

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eye that says I've dealt with worse than you in

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a Senate hearing. At first, she tries the gentle approach.

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I am speaking now, she says, probably while imagining she's

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talking to a room full of toddlers or you know,

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certain former presidents.

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But when the.

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Protesters keep at it, Harris decides it's time to take

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off the kid gloves. You know what, she says, channeling

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every mom who's ever had to turn this car around.

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Right now, if you want Donald Trump to win, then

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say that otherwise I'm speaking. Oh snap, She just went

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full mom voice on these protesters. And then, folks, we

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got the stare, you know the one. It's the look

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that could freeze hell itself. Harris stood there, silent, with

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a jaw so set you could use it to crack walnuts.

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The crowd went wild, probably because they were afraid she'd

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turn that look on them next if they didn't. Now,

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this isn't Harris's first rodeo with interruptions. Remember that debate

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with Mike Pence. She shut him down so many times

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he probably still hears I am.

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Speaking in his nightmares.

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Meanwhile, Joe Biden, remember him, He doesn't either. He's over

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here playing the role of worried grandpa, telling CBS News

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he's not confident at all in a peaceful transfer. If

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Trump loses, it's like he's predicting the weather, but instead

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of rain. He's forecasting potential chaos with a chance of

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constitutional crisis. Trumpabla, the man who's been crying rigged election

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louder than a toddler who lost at Candyland, is now

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assuring us there will be a peaceful transfer of power

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if he loses to Kamala Harris. Of course there will

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be a peaceful transfer, he says, probably while crossing his

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fingers behind his back.

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I just hope we have honest elections. You know.

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That's a nice election you guys have here. It would

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be a shame if anything happened to it. President Joe Biden,

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who's been making headlines faster than you can say, where

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am I? At a recent White House shindig honoring the

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Texas Rangers World Series win, Biden pulled a classic deer

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in the headlights moment, openly asking what am I doing now?

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It's like watching your grandpa try to work the TV remote,

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but with nuclear codes.

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Now.

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To be fair, if I found myself in a room

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and people were telling me the Texas Rangers won the

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World Series last year, I wouldn't believe them either.

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Anyway.

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After getting a personalized jersey and some snazzy cowboy boots,

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because nothing says baseball like cowboy boots. Biden seemed to

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think a military aid was trying to pull a fast one.

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Are you stealing my jersey? He asked? I mean, who

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wouldn't want a presidential hand me down?

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Right? Then, in a move that would make any improv

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teacher proud, Biden did a little faux jog off stage

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when told to exit. It's good to know our commander

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in chief is keeping his cardio up, even if it's

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just pretend. Now, some party poopers in Congress are calling

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for Biden to resign, claiming he's not fit for office.

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But come on, folks, who among us hasn't forgotten where

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we are or what we're doing in front of millions

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of people while running the most powerful nation on earth.

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It happens to the best of us. And let's check

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in on RFK with this story we probably made up,

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but you really aren't sure, are you. In a press

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conference that left reporters scratching their heads, Robert F. Kennedy

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Junior made waves with a startling claim about squirrels. I

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have irrefutable evidence, Kennedy announced, brandishing a handful of acorns

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that squirrels are actually tiny furry NSA agents. According to Kennedy,

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these bushy tailed spies have been gathering intel on American

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citizens for years, using their cheek pouches as natural storage

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devices for miniature surveillance equipment. When pressed for proof, Kennedy

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insisted that squirrel's tendency to bury nuts is actually a

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clever ruse to plant listening devices in our parks and backyard.

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Wake Up America, he exclaimed, Why do you think they're

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always chattering?

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They're transmitting data.

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The National Park Service declined to comment, although one ranger

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was overheard muttering, not this nut again, Now that's funny.

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Did we make up the story? Did the guy bring

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a dead bear to Central Park? Did he claim to

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have brain worms? What does true even mean? Well, we've

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made it to Friday. Hopefully these politicians will let me

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enjoy the weekend. I praise my two days off. I

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don't get forty nine paid days off like the ungrateful

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staff at Crooked Media. And I'll tell you this as

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soon as more of you start downloading this thing, I'm

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buying a ten million dollar house myself. See you on

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Monday or in five minutes. It's been that kind of summer,