May 7, 2025

Trump Declares War on Barbie as Pope Dreams Collide with Eyeball-Scanning Orbs

Patrick Gutfield skewers Trump's bizarre crusade against "excessive Barbie ownership" while the former president jokes about becoming the next pope. Meanwhile, San Francisco tech bros are scanning eyeballs to prove you're not a robot—all while serving...

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Vatican City, where we're picking a new pope and

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his name could be Donald.

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I guess this is ballots. That's right, we're back in Italy.

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As we've pad out our expense reports once again, let's

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hit this. The new economic crisis is apparently excessive barbie ownership.

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President Trump just announced that his tariffs might mean children

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will have two dolls instead of thirty dolls, which is

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the most unexpected attack on American childhood since someone decided

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participation trophies were destroying society. In a cabinet meeting that

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sounded more like a minimalist lifestyle podcast the National Policy Discussion,

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Trump suggested Chinese manufacturers were getting rich selling this stuff,

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much of it. We don't need this from a man

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whose apartment looks like Liberaci and King Midas had a

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decorating competition with no budget limit. Suddenly, the guy with

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solid gold toilet fixtures is telling American kids they have

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too many toys. Trump's newly appointed anti doll seer, Stephen Miller,

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doubled down at a White House briefing, claiming most American

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parents would prefer fewer, more expensive dolls to cheaper Chinese

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ones that might have lead paint, because nothing says making

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America great again like fewer toys on Christmas morning. Meanwhile,

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the Trump administration has been trying to roll back regulations

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on wait for it, paint exposure for children. That's what

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we call playing both sides of the dollhouse. Democrats immediately

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pointed out the absurdity of America's most famous consumer telling

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everyone else to consume less. Senator Bernie Sanders said Trump

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and Musk do not have a clue about what it

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means for a working class family trying to buy presents

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for the kids. The irony is that this message comes

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right after Barbie made a massive retail comeback following that blockbuster.

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Movie two years ago.

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According to the Toy Association, more than forty percent of

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US toy companies expect to go out of business due

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to these new tariffs. Mattel declined to comment, probably because

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they were too busy designing recession Barbie, who comes with

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just one outfit and a tiny cardboard sign that reads,

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will pose for food. Trump isn't the first president to

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preach austerity. Jimmy Carter famously gave his Cardigan speech in

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nineteen seventy seven, encouraging Americans to keep thermostats at sixty.

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Five degrees during an energy crisis.

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Carter was ridiculed by conservatives as patronizing and defeatist, but

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at least he practiced what he preached, turning off white

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house air conditioners until according to Walter Mondale, it was

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one hundred above in there. The papal conclave begins today.

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When asked last week who he'd like to see succeed

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the late Pope Francis, Trump answered, with his trademark humility,

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I'd like to be Pope. That would be my number

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one choice. Now, even Trump isn't that crazy, and it

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was clearly a joke, But tell that to Lackey. In

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South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, who immediately jumped on the

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papal bandwagon, posting on X that he was excited about

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Trump's potential candidacy, calling him a dark horse candidate and

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asking Catholics to keep an open mind. Graham even wrote

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watching for white smoke, though we all know Trump prefers

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his smoke coming from coal fired power plants.

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Also, don't watch for white smoke.

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Listen to White Smoke, our sister podcast that's all about

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the papal succession. That's a real thing. White smoke wherever

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you get your podcast. Graham finished his post with Trump

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twenty twenty eight, but used Roman numerals instead of American numerals.

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Trump isn't going to like that. The constitution says you

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can only have two terms as president, but it's notably

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silent on whether you can simultaneously be leader of the

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free world and God's representative on Earth. After his joke

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about becoming pope, Trump admitted he has no preference about

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the papal conclave, but he did reveal some hometown bias, noting,

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we have a cardinal who happens to be out of

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a place called New York who's very good. That would

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be New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who offered the invocation

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at Trump's second inauguration and led Pope France's funeral mass

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at Saint Patrick's Cathedral. Nothing says separation of church and

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state like having your favorite.

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Cardinal on speed dial.

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Experts say the chances of an American pope are slim

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to none. As doctor Bill Cavanaugh from DePaul University put it,

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there's no chance for an American Pope just because the

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United States is already so powerful in the world. Pope

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donaldst would certainly bring some changes to the Vatican. The

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Swiss Guard uniforms would be replaced with mega hats, Saint

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Peter's Square would be renamed Trump Square, and confession would

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involve signing an NDA and just imagine the first papal

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encyclical titled The Art of the Divine Deal. San Francisco

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welcomed its newest dystopian tech innovation this week as people

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lined up to have their eyeballs scanned by a whiteboarb

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because apparently black Mirror episodes are now business plans world,

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a digital identity system open six storefronts across America where

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you can now officially prove you're not a robot by

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acting exactly like a robot would expect a human to behave.

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Clement Anthonios, a thirty eight year old telecommunications professional with

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apparently zero concerns about the future, eagerly stared into the

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ORB Thursday to generate his proof of personhood. His beagle

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Tixie waited patiently beside him, probably thinking, thank God.

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They're not scanning my eyes yet.

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The technology comes from Tools for Humanity co founded by

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Sam Altman, Yes, the same guy whose company Open Ai

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is creating all the AI agents we now apparently need

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to distinguish ourselves from. It's like selling both matches and

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fire extinguishers and calling yourself a public safety expert. At

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their launch party, attendees were treated to tunea poke, bowls

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s'mores with Ghiadelli chocolate and frozen margarita's. Because nothing says

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please let us scan your irreplaceable biometric data like free

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alcohol and sugar. San Francisco Mayor Daniel Lurie and California

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Governor Gavin Newsom were spotted at the festivities, but their

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offices insisted they didn't create world ideas politicians refusing to

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have their eyes scanned. That's the most trustworthy thing a

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politician has done in years. Altman told the crowd that

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five years ago he realized we needed some sort of

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way for identifying authenticating humans.

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Look, if you want to.

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Prove you're not an AI, just write an actually funny

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joke for this podcast. I have plenty of data that

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proves AI is incapable of accomplishing such a feat. Okay,

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we're done here, Now go listen to the White Smoke

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Podcast to keep up on the Pope stuff.