Oct. 21, 2024

Trump 'Anointed by God', Harris 'Hexing America': Election Takes Supernatural Turn!

Show Notes
Transcript

1. "Jack Smith's Bombshell: Trump's Secrets Blacker Than His Redactions!"

2. "Holy War on Harris: Preachers Claim VP Possessed by 'Jezebel Spirit'!"

3. "Election Deadlock: Harris and Trump Stuck in Political Quicksand!"

4. "Gaffigan's Gaffes: Comedian Roasts Dems, Leaves Party in Ashes at Catholic Gala!"

5. "Trump's Capitol Riot Surprise: 'Oh, Really?' Says Former Prez!"

6. "Harris Skips Catholics, Chats on Sex Podcast: VP's Campaign Strategy Shocks Nation!"

7. "Political Parties Turn Cults: Are Voters Drinking the Kool-Aid?"

8. "Democracy in Danger? Gaffigan Claims Dems Staged Coup Against Biden!"

9. "Trump 'Anointed by God', Harris 'Hexing America': Election Takes Supernatural Turn!"

10. "Flip a Coin for President? Comedian Suggests New Voting Method!"

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WEBVTT

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Caalaroga Shark media from Washington, d C. We're the only

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thing more heavily redacted than government documents is Trump's hairline.

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This is ballot, that's right, folks.

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And today we're diving deeper into political shenanigans than Jack

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Smith's file cabinet.

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Let's hit this special counsel.

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Jack Smith just dropped a bombshell bigger than Trump's ego,

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nearly two thousand pages of documents in his election subversion case. Now,

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most of these pages are blacked out more thoroughly than

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a politician's conscience. But what we can see is juicier

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than a Marra Lago steak. We've got transcripts of Trump's

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find me some votes karaoke session with George's Secretary of State,

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photos of fake elector certificates because apparently Trump thought the

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election was a craft fair, and Mike Pence's sorry, I

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can't help you overthrow democracy break up letter to Congress.

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But wait, there's more.

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An unnamed White House employees spilled the beans faster than

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Trump spills state secrets.

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Apparently.

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When told about the Capitol riots, Trump's response was, oh really,

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I haven't heard someone sound that surprised since Milania found

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out she had to redecorate the White House and get this,

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Trump didn't want these documents released before election day. He

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was worried it might be seen as election interference, because

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nothing says fair election quite like hiding evidence of your

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last attempt to interfere with one. Right, moving on to

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our next story, folks, it seems Christian nationalist leaders are

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playing a game of pin the tale on the demon

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with Kamala Harris. They're accusing her of having a Jezebel spirit,

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which is apparently code for women we don't like who

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isn't baking cookies now, for those of you who slept

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through Sunday school, Jezebel was the original nasty woman of

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the Bible. These modern day prophets are using this term

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faster than Trump uses spray tan, claiming Harris is under

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demonic influence, because obviously the only explanation for a woman

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of color and power is super natural intervention. Right, This

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Jezebel's spirit accusation is about as subtle as a maga

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hat at a democratic convention. It's got more dog whistles

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than a kennel club meeting. One preacher even said Harris

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represents witchcraft. I guess her campaign slogan should be Harris

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twenty twenty four, She'll hex your ex.

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And tax the rich. But here's the kicker, folks.

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While Harris is supposedly channeling demons, Trump is being described

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as anointed by God. I haven't seen a contrast that

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starks since I compared my bank account to Elon Musk's.

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Speaking of contrasts, why isn't Harris running away with this election?

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It's like watching a race between a tesla and a

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golf cart, and somehow the golf cart is keeping up.

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The polls are more stuck than Congress on a budget bill.

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We've had more plot twists than a soap opera, and

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yet the numbers barely budge. It's like trying to move

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a boulder with a feather duster. And get this. Both

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parties are playing minority party, focusing on poking holes in

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each other arguments rather than oh, I don't know, actually

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solving problems. It's like watching two toddlers fight over a toy.

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Neither of them knows how to use Trump's strategy. Keep

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playing the same old maga hits like he's a one

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hit wonder at a County Fair, Harris, she's sticking to

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the Democratic playbooks so closely you'd think it was super

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glued to her hands. The problem, folks, is that our

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political parties have turned into religious cults faster than you

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can say, drink the kool aid. They're more focused on

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preaching to the choir than converting new believers. It's all

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about affirming the faith of the true believers, even if

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that faith is in trickle down economics or the healing

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power of crystals.

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And now, folks, for.

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Our grand finale, we've got a real knee slapper. Comedian

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Jim Gaffigan just roasted the Democratic Party harder than a

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Thanksgiving turkey at the Al Smith dinner. It was so

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savage people are calling it the murder of an entire

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political party. I haven't seen a Democrat take a hit

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like that since Biden tripped on those airplane stairs.

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Gaffigan went after Harris like she owed him money.

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He quipped, you know, this event has been referred to

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as the Catholic met Gala. Twenty two percent of Americans

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identify as Catholic. Catholics will be a key demographic in

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every battleground state. I'm sorry why is Vice President Harris

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not here? Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark bigger than

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Trump's ego. But wait, there's more. Gaffigan pointed out that

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Harris found time for the view Howard Stern and the

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longtime staple of campaigning to call her Daddy podcast because

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nothing says presidential material quite like chatting about your sex

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life on a podcast. Right, and just when you thought

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it couldn't get any spicier, Gaffigan dropped this bombshell. The

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Democrats have been telling us Trump's reelection is a threat

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to democracy. In fact, they were so concerned of this

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threat they staged a coup, houseted they're democratically elected incumbent,

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and installed Kamala Harris. I haven't seen a coup that

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poorly executed since the time my cat tried to overthrow

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my house plans. The crowd was eating it up faster

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than Trump devours a bucket of KFC. Chuck Schumer was

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probably wishing he could redact himself from the room, while

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Trump was grinning like he just found a new way

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to avoid taxes. So there you have it, folks, We've

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got heavily redacted documents, demon accusations, political parties more rigid

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than Trump's hairspray. And now a comedian single handedly roasting

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an entire political party. Just another day in the wild

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world of American politics. Remember, in this election, the only

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thing more unpredictable than the candidates is the voter's sense

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of humor.

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This is ballot signing off.

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And remember, if you can't decide who to vote for,

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just flip a coin. It's got about as much chance

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of solving our problems as either party does, or better. Yet,

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maybe we should just let Jim Gaffigan run the country.

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At least then we'd all go to sleep laughing instead

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of crying. Good night, and good luck.