Sept. 17, 2024

They're eating the chickens! Kamala's new accent? Cookie poll shows Trump up!

Show Notes
Transcript

Oh man, in Springfield some people were spotted grilling chickens and eating them!

A very scientific poll involving cookes shows Trump is winning.

Buy the song from The Kiffnesss: https://linktr.ee/thekiffness

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Calaroga Shark media from Springfield where they were just eating chicken.

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So calm the hell down. This is ballot. Wait now

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they're eating chickens. Next they will be killing cows, grinding

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their remains and serving them between two slices of bun

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with cheese and maybe a slice of onion. We gotta

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stop this. Let's hit this. My crazy ex girlfriend Norma

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texted me, you think it's funny that they're eating the cats?

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What's wrong with you? That skank Kate has really gotten

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to you? Well, Norma, yeah, I do think it's funny.

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I don't know if you know this, but my job

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is to make fun of things for ten minutes every day.

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And you know who's not funny Harris and Tim Walls.

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At least with Sleepy Joe there was a good bit,

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and Trump versus Pets is definitely funny. I try to

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make fun of Harris, but everything is a stretch, like

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this story. It looks like we've got another episode of

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accent Police Washington addition on our hands. Vice President sident

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Kamala Harris is once again in the hot seat for

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allegedly changing her accent faster than a chameleon changes colors

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at a disco party. Republicans are clutching their pearls over

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Harris's speech at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation's Phoenix Awards dinner. Apparently,

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her accent shifted more dramatically than the tectonic plates during

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the last ice age. I'm surprised they didn't accuse her

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of speaking in tongues while they were at it. Conservative

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pundits are having a field day comparing Harris to Hillary Clinton,

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because nothing says fresh political criticism like rehashing complaints from

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twenty sixteen. Right, maybe next they'll accuser of having a

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secret email server in her kitchen. One activist even accused

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Harris of using her mammy voice. Yikes, I'm not even

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touching that one. Meanwhile, the White House is treating these

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accusations with all the seriousness of a clown. At a funeral,

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Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre called the questions insane, which

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is probably the most diplomatic way of saying, are you

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kidding me? With this nonsense? Fox News Peter Doocey confronted

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the White House Press secretary, asking, since when does the

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vice president have what sounds like a Southern accent? I

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have no idea what you're talking about, Jean Pierre said

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from the White House podium earlier this month. Well, she

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was talking about unions in Detroit using one tone of voice.

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Deucey said, she used the same line in Pittsburgh, and

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it sounded like she at least had some kind of

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a Southern drawl. But here's the kicker. Linguists say it's

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normal for people to change their speech patterns based on

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their audience. It's called code switching, not sinister plot to

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deceive the American people. But hey, why let facts get

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in the way of a good old fashioned political mud

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slinging contest. Anyway, they're eating the cats, and Joe Biden

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wants us to stop talking about it. Biden remember him.

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Don't worry he doesn't either. Biden said, it's simply wrong.

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There's no place in America. This has to stop. What

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he's doing, it has to stop. I think he was

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talking about Trump rather than chiding the cat eaters. Trump

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vowed Friday that if elected to a second presidency, he

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would conduct large mass deportations from Springfield, Ohio. That will

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be bringing them back to Venezuela, which is a weird

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place to send Haitians. So norma, notice how the topics

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today are all kind of well racist. That's why I'm

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making fun of the cat story. It looks like we're

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not going to rock down to Electric Avenue after all.

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The Donald's about to get a shock that's not from

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his hair gel. Eddie Grant just scored a legal victory

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that's got Trump singing the Blues instead of Electric Avenue.

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After four long years of legal wrangling, longer than Trump's presidency,

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mind you, a judge has finally pulled the plug on

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Trump's unauthorized use of Grant's hit song. The court's basically saying,

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you can't always get what you want, mister Trump, and

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in this case, what he wanted was a free soundtrack

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for his campaign video. That video racked up thirteen point

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seven million views before Twitter sorry X, because apparently the

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letter T was too much for Elon finally took it down. JD. Vance,

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Trump's running mate and apparent psychic, has suddenly realized he

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can't actually read the former president's mind. Shocking, I know.

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Just a few months ago, Vance was confidently telling us

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what Trump would do with an abortion band like he

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was reading Trump's diary. Now he's saying, Oops, my bad,

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I shouldn't speak for the big guy. It's like watching

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a ventriloquist dummy realizing the hand up its back doesn't

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actually belong to it. And Trump he's playing it cool

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like a dad who forgot his kid's recital. JD. Who

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never heard of him? Oh that JD. Yeah, we don't

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talk about abortion. We're more of a don't ask, don't

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tell kind of team. Now, JD. Vance, that's someone I

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can make fun of. It turns out he might not

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be able to tell the difference between poultry and pets.

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Who knew that identifying barnyard animals was such a high

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bar for political office these days, Vance, apparently trying to

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win the most Creative Use of a Grill award, shared

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a video he claimed showed African migrants in Dayton, Ohio

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having a feline feast. Turns out it was just some

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good old fashioned chicken barbecue. I guess in Vance's world,

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if it clucks like a chicken and looks like a chicken,

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it must be a cat. Buckle up for some sweet

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political drama straight out of Hatboro, Pennsylvania. A local bakery's

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turning the twenty twenty four election into a sugar coated showdown.

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And let me tell you these numbers are more lopsided

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than my uncle Pete's homemade Moonshine. Lochell's Bakery is pitting

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Trump Cookies against Harris Cookies in a battle royale of

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political pastries, and boy are the results half baked. Trump's

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red cookies are selling faster than excuses at a Senate

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hearing two hundred to Harris's measly five hundred. Talk about

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a sugar crash for the Dems. Now, the bakery owner,

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Kathleen Lochelle says she's staying neutral. Yeah, and I'm the

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Queen of England, but hey, when your Trump cookies are

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out selling Harris cookies ten to one, even Switzerland would

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have a hard time staying neutral. And get this, Eric

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Trump showed up unexpectedly to buy cookies. Yeah, because nothing

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says unexpected like a Trump popping up where there's free publicity.

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I'm sure he just happened to be in the neighborhood

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right after his GPS accidentally re routed him from mar

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A Lago to Main Street, Hatborough. But here's the real kicker.

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This cookie poll has been right three out of four

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times the one time it was wrong twenty twenty. Looks

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like even cookies can't predict a pandemic. Maybe next time

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they should try reading the chocolate chips like tea leaves.

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So there you have it, folks. The twenty twenty four

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election might just come down to which candidate can stuff

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their face with more cookies. And if that's the case,

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my money's on Chris Christy making a surprise comeback. We

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don't just vote with our hearts, we vote with our

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stomachs too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a

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date with a bipartisan box of doughnuts. Today's podcast was

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made with the help of AI and a box of cookies.

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I'm gonna leave you with a song. This is by

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the Kiffness and all proceeds from the song will go

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to the Clark County SPCA. Nice job, Kiffness. We have

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a link in the show notes if you'd like to

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buy the song, and you should. In Springfield, they're eating

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the dogs. They're eating the cats. They're eating the pets.

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Of the people that live there. They're eating the dogs,

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they're eating the cats, They're eating the pets of the

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people that live there.

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People love Springfield. Please don't eat my cats. Why would

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you do that?

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Eat something else?

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People love Springfield. Please don't eat man dog. Here's a cat.

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A look of other things to eat. They're eating the dogs,

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they're eating the cat sam ammon. They're eating the pens

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of the people that live there. They're eating the dogs.

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They're getting the cat sammon. You're eating the pence of

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the people that