Aug. 27, 2024

The Space National Guard? Yes We Pan(tsuit)

Trump wants the Space National Guard to supplement the Space Force.

An explainer on why we haven't been doing Harris jokes.

Cheryl Hines should date a younger podcaster.

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Show Notes
Transcript

Trump wants the Space National Guard to supplement the Space Force.

An explainer on why we haven't been doing Harris jokes.

Cheryl Hines should date a younger podcaster.

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WEBVTT

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Calarogu Shark Media from Washington, DC, where we'd like to

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make more fun of Harris, But pantsuit jokes just aren't

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that funny. This is ballot, that's right. I'm just here

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to goof on things. And if my choices are the

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Space National Guard, a guy who brought a dead bear

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to Central Park, or a woman wearing pants suits, well

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those are easy choices, right, Cheryl, Let's hit this. Donald

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Trump is reaching for the stars again, and I'm not

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talking about his hair. Our former president, speaking at a

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National Guard conference in Detroit, laid out his plans for

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the military that are so out of this world even

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Elon Musk is saying, slow down, buddy. First up, Trump

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wants to create a national Guard for the Space Force

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because apparently the regular Space Force just isn't forcy enough.

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He proudly declared Space Force has been very important, very

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very important. You know it's serious When he uses very twice.

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That's one more very than he uses for his love

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of McDonald's. But wait, there's more. Trump also wants to

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build an iron dome for the entire United States. Yes,

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you heard that right. He's going from build the wall

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to build the dome and Mars is going to pay

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for it. I guess he figures if he can't keep

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immigrants out horizontally, he might as well try vertically. Trump

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claimed Ronald Reagan wanted this many years ago, but we

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didn't have the technology at that point. Well, we didn't

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have Twitter back then, either, but that didn't stop Trump

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from using it to govern. Of course, experts are saying

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this iron dome idea might be a bit shall we say,

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pie in the sky. They argue it would come with

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a hefty price tag and be of little use against

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short range missiles. But hey, when has a little thing

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like practicality ever stopped Trump before? Trump also took a

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moment to slam Biden and Harris for the Afghanistan withdrawal,

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calling it the most embarrassing day in the history of

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the US, which is a bold statement coming from a

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guy who once looked directly at a solar eclipse. Tulsi

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Gabbard has officially endorsed Trump for president. That's right, The

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former Democratic congresswoman has jumped ship faster than a rat

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on the Titanic. It's like watching a vegetarian become the

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spokesperson for a steakhouse. Gabbard quit the Democratic Party in

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twenty twenty two, complaining of its wokeness. Apparently she prefers

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her politics fast to sleep. She's gone from championing liberal

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issues to praising Trump faster than I can change channels

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when one of those sad animal commercials comes on. Trump

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welcomed Gabbard to a stage in Detroit because nothing says

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winning strategy like bringing a former Democrat to the heart

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of Union country. It's like trying to sell ice to Eskimos,

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except the ice is melting and the Eskimos are on strike. Meanwhile,

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the Democratic Party dismissed Gabbard's endorsement faster than a telemarketer's call.

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They said, Trump is more fit sated on winning the

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backing of extremists than hardworking Americans. Well, when you can't

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win the popular vote, I guess you got to catch

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them all Pokemon style. Now, if you listen every day,

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you might be like, hey, mcdavies, you're clearly in the

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tank for Harris. All you do is make fun of Trump.

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You never make fun of Harris Well, and believe me,

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this sucks. So far, there hasn't been any good material

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to make fun of Harris. Take Joe Biden, remember him,

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for example, Don't worry he doesn't either. See that's a

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good joke. We don't have that for Harris yet. According

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to a new Morning Console poll, Harris is leading Trump

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by a whopping four points. Four whole points. That's like

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winning a marathon by the length of your shoelace. But hey,

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in this political climate, we'll take what we can get,

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and anyone who understands how the election actually works should

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worry about the electoral college and not an overall national number.

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Isn't that right, Hillary? Now, you might think Harris would

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get a boost after her rousing speech at the Democratic

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National Conveytion, and by rousing, I mean it puts slightly

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fewer people to sleep than c SPAN's coverage of paint drying.

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But nope, her lead remains as steady as a politician's promises.

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But don't worry, Harris fans, all dozen of you. There's

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good news. More voters are hearing positive stories about her

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than negative ones. It's been five weeks straight of this

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media honeymoon. I haven't seen this much positive press since

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Beyonce was announced as appearing at the DNC. The real

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winner here, Tim Waltz Harris's running mate. He's now the

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least dislike person on either ticket. Congrats, Tim, you've won

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the most Okay Guy in Politics award. I did work

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with the AI on some Harris material. So far, here's

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what we've got. Rumor has it Harris is bringing back

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the tan suit because nothing says I'm presidential material like

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dressing like a walking Beije wall. Harris's pantsuit collection is

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so extensive Hillary Clinton called to ask if she could

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borrow a cup of shoulder pads. Harris has so many

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pantsuits she's considering renting out the Lincoln bedroom as a

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walk in closet. The VP's tan suit is so bland

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it's been mistaken for wallpaper in the Oval office three

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times this week. Harris's pantsuit game is so strong she's

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thinking of changing her campaign slogan to yes, we pan suit.

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That one's pretty good. Harris has worn so many pantsuits

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she's considering changing her title from Madame Vice President to

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Madame van pansuit dent. Jd Vance, on the other hand,

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now that's someone I can make fun of folks. Republican

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VP nominee jd Vance just accepted an endorsement from Robert F.

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Kennedy Junior, the conspiracy theory peddler who makes my crazy

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ex girlfriend Norma look like a beacon of sanity. And

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let me tell you, Norma once tried to exercise my

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toaster because she thought it was possessed by the ghost

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of Elvis. Vance is cool accepting the endorsement from RFK

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despite not agreeing with some of his conspiracy theories. Well,

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isn't that convenient. It's like saying, I don't agree with

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the arsonist's methods, but I sure do like the warmth

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from the fire he started. When asked to take sides

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on nine to eleven. Wait, are their sides on nine

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to eleven? Vance proudly declared, I'm on the pro America side. Wow,

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what a brave stance. Next he'll tell us he's pro

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oxygen and anti stubbing your toe. Well, folks, it looks

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like the Baldwin Kennedy bromance has officially come to an end.

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Billy Baldwin, the Baldwin brother you probably forgot existed, has

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taken to x formerly known as Twitter, formerly known as

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a place where people shared pictures of their lunch, to

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absolutely roast his former bff Robert F. Kennedy Junior. Billy's

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not pulling any punches here. He's basically saying RFK Junior

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has gone from Kennedy to cant Netty faster than you

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can say conspiracy theory. According to Billy, they were once

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so close they car pulled their kids to school. Baldwin

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accused Kennedy of making a cynical, hypocritical betrayal of his

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political values, which is a fancy way of saying, dude,

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what the actual heck, I haven't seen a hail Mary

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this badly received since that time I tried to order

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a virgin cocktail at a biker bar. But wait, there's more.

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Billy says, Bobby has sold his political soul and desecrated

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the historic work and legacy of his father Robert and

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his uncle, President John Kennedy. Ouch. That's the political equivalent

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of you're not just embarrassing yourself, you're embarrassing the whole

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family at Thanksgiving dinner. And it's not just Billy who's upset.

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Rfk's siblings are upset too. They released a statement saying

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his Trump endorsement is a sad ending to a sad story.

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I haven't seen a family this disappointed since the Kardashians

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found out one of their own got a real job. Man,

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if I were Eryl Hines, I would leave Kennedy and

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start dating a younger guy with his own podcast. Portions

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of today's program were made with the help of AI

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and the Baldwin Brothers, which one was on homicide life

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on the Street. He was pretty good. Eight