May 14, 2025

The Pope's MAGA Brother and Other Family Dramas

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield dives into the day's wildest family dynamics - from Melania Trump's fourteen-day White House attendance record to the new Pope's Trump-supporting brother who shares memes about tarring and feathering Democrats. Plus, the Army's new fitness test that makes civilians voluntarily torture themselves, and why deadlifting one hundred fifty pounds is basically just picking up your entire closet.

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Callaroga Shark media from Washington, d C. Which is where

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we are and Milania isn't. This is ballot fun fact.

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I have slept with Donald Trump as many times this

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year as his wife.

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Let's hit this well.

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It seems the First Lady has redefined what it means

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to work from home by barely working from the White

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House at all. According to The New York Times, Malania

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Trump has spent fewer than fourteen days at the White

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House in the one hundred and eight days since her

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husband's inauguration. That's right, while Donald Trump is busy declaring

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fake holidays that no one gets to celebrate, his wife

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is busy not being anywhere near him. The White House

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has essentially become her least favorite timeshare. Historian Catherine Jellison

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called Malania the most low profile First Lady since Best Truman,

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which is saying something considering Best Truman served in the

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nineteen forties, back when working remotely meant using a really

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long extension cord.

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When Fox News.

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Asked where she planned to spend her time during this term,

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Malania said, I will be in the White House, and

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you know when I need to be in New York,

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I will be in New York.

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When I need to be.

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In Palm Beach, I will be in Palm Beach. She

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forgot to add, when I need to be as far

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away from Washington as physically possible, I will be as

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far away from Washington as physically possible. She did clarify

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her priorities. My first priority is, you know, to be

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a mom, to be a first lady, to be a wife.

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Notice how first Lady is sandwiched in the middle there,

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like she's trying to hide it between two things she

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actually cares about. Of course, administration officials insist she's at

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the White House more often than the public knows, which

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means either she's disguised as a potted plant in the

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rose garden, or perhaps they're counting her appearances via FaceTime.

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Her friend Paolo's m Pauli claims she loves the White

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House and loves the role of serving as our first Lady,

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blames why she treats visiting it like I treat going

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to the dentist. Necessary but best kept to a bare

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minimum of twice a year. At this point, the White

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House staff probably has a welcome back Missus Trump's sign

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they can quickly dust off whenever she deigns to make

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an appearance. The Vaticans got itself a new boss. And

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if you thought your family holiday dinners were awkward, wait

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till you hear about the Prevost brothers. While the world

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celebrates the election of Pope Leo the fourteenth, formerly known

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as Robert Prevost, there's one guy in Port Charlotte, Florida

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who's probably scrolling through Facebook with his jaw on the floor.

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That would be Lewis Prevost, the Pope's older brother, who

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just yesterday was sharing spicy memes about Nancy Pelosi and

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now has to figure out what to get the Pope

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for Christmas. Prevost told The New York Times he's shocked

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by his brother's election, joking, jeez, it was like just

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yesterday I was throwing him down the stairs, and now

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he's pope, which is exactly what every older sibling thinks

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when they're annoying. Little brother becomes the spiritual leader of

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one point three billion Catholics.

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Here's where things get interesting.

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These two brothers couldn't be more different if one was

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Batman and the other was the Joker. The new Pope

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has been retweeting articles comparing immigrants to Jesus Christ and

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criticizing JD. Vance's approach to Christianity. Meanwhile, brother Lewis has

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been posting Facebook memes calling Democrats communists and suggesting they

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should be and I quote tarred, feathered, and wrote out

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of town on a donkey. Lewis is such a Trump

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super fan that he once compared the former president to

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Jesus Christ, telling a friend not comparing him to or

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saying he is like Christ, but both seem to be

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suffering the same treatment at the hands of the evil ones,

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because apparently getting fact checked on Twitter is exactly like

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being crucified. The posts get wilder. Lewis shared a video

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of Nancy Pelosi from nineteen ninety six with commentary so

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colorful I can't repeated on television, but let's just say

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it involved references to dating apps that didn't exist in

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the nineties. He's also posted memes showing mental institutions with

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the caption where the woke lived before the seventies and

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called for Democrats who met with Zelenski to be arrested

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for treason. Meanwhile, his brother the Pope is out here

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retweeting articles critical of the Trump administration and advocating for

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immigrants and refugees. Lewis must be sitting there thinking I

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spent all those years stuffing him in lockers for this.

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The kicker is that Lewis actually thinks his brother will

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be a little more conservative than Pope Francis, based on

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what the fact that they both like Italian food, because

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their social media activity suggests they're about as ideologically aligned

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as Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz.

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Lewis did take a break.

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From his communist conspiracy theories to congratulate his brother when

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he became a cardinal back in twenty twenty three, writing

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woke up this morning on my birthday and found out

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my brother was one of the twenty one announced as

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new cardinals by Pope Francis today. Congratulations Rob, which is nice,

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though I'm guessing the birthday present that year was awkward.

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Thanks for the maga hat, Lewis, I'll put it right

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next to my miter.

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The best part.

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Lewis told The Times he thinks his brother will do

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a bang up job as pope, though based on his

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Facebook feed, his definition of a bang up job probably

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involves building a wall around Vatican City and making the

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Lutherans pay for it. You know what they say. You

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can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

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And in this case, one brother chose the priesthood and

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the other chose to share memes comparing Biden to Hitler.

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Thanksgiving at the Prevost House is about to get very interesting.

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The Army just dropped their new fitness test requirements, and

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let me tell you, it's tougher than deciding whether to

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hit snooze on your alarm for the fifth time. Starting

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June first, combat soldiers will have to meet new standards

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that don't care about your gender.

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Everyone gets the same workout homework.

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The test includes five events that sound like they were

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designed by someone who really misses high school gym class.

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We've got dead lifts, push ups, planks, a two mile

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run in something called the sprint, drag carry, which sounds

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less like an exercise and more like what you do

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when your friend has too much fun and happy hour.

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For the deadlift, thirty year old combat soldiers need to

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lift one hundred and fifty pounds. That's basically like picking

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up your entire wardrobe after you've spent an hour deciding

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what to wear. They use a hexagonal bar, which apparently

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makes it safer than a regular bar bell, because when

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you're hoisting heavy metal off the ground, safety is suddenly

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everyone's top priority.

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The push ups are special too, they're called hand release

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push ups.

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After each rep, you have to lift your hands off

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the ground and spread them out like you're making snow

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angels on your gym floor. You need to do at

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least fourteen and two minutes. The Army's been obsessed with

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push ups since nineteen forty four. Talk about commitment issues.

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Then there's the sprint drag carry, which requires you to

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drag a ninety pound sled. That's right, the Army wants

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you to pull a sled like you're training for the world's.

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Most aggressive Christmas pageant.

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You also shuffle sideways and carry two forty pound weights

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because apparently regular running wasn't complicated enough. The plank requirement

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is one minute and twenty seconds. That might not sound

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like much until you're actually doing it, and suddenly time

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moves slower than your DMV appointment. Military dot Com reports

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the average soldier holds it for over two minutes show offs.

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And finally, there's the two mile run, because after all

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that lifting, dragging, and planking, what you really want to

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do is go for a nice jog. Right. Some civilians

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are voluntarily doing this test just for fun. There are

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people out there thinking, you know what my weekend needs

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military great exhaustion. But hey, if you're looking for a

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workout that tests everything from your strength to your sanity,

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the Army's got you covered. So if you're feeling ambitious,

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give it a shot. Just remember, when you're dragging that

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sled across the gym floor while other people stare at

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you like you've lost your mind, you can proudly say

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you're training like a soldier, or at least trying not

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to collapse like one.

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As for me, I.

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Will be here in the studio, drinking Irish coffee and

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telling jokes.

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Written by Ai