Dec. 5, 2025

The Haunted Christmas White House

Show Notes
Transcript

From Washington DC where it’s not only the weather that’s frightful, this is Ballot. Melania’s Christmas décor goes full Tim Burton with mugshot LEGOs, butterfly swarms, and candelabras fit for a haunted mansion. Portland lights “the tree” — carefully avoiding the word Christmas — amid chants, land acknowledgments, and performance-art politics. And in New York, the city’s Christmas tree titans wage a turf war straight out of The Sopranos. Turns out holiday cheer comes with muscle.

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WEBVTT

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Calarugus shark media from Washington, DC, where it's not only

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the weather that's frightful. This is ballot. That's right. I

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think the White House is celebrating Crampus Day. Let's hit this.

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I'm Patrick Gutfield and we're diving into the White House

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Christmas decorations, where holiday cheer meets gothic horror film Milania.

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Trump's approach to Christmas is like a Tim Burton movie

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catered by the DMV. This year's theme, home is where

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the heart is. If that home is a haunted mansion

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with a gift shop. Picture this a white House Christmas

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so sparse it makes a Soviet era department store look festive.

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We've got a massive wooden table with three golden candelabras.

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That's not a Christmas display. That's what happens when minimalism

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goes to therapy. The Blue Room's got Ai generated ornaments

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depicting state birds and flowers, because nothing's as holiday spirit

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like machine learning algorithms deciding your Christmas aesthetic. George Orwell

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called he wants his decorating committee back, and the Pista Resistance.

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A lego portrait of Donald Trump and his mugshot glory,

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because when you think Christmas, you definitely think criminal justice system.

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The be Best tree is covered in ten thousand blue butterflies.

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It's like a nature documentary directed by Edgar Allen Poe.

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Malania is walking around in an all black military coat,

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looking less merry Christmas and more I'm about to invade

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a small country for its tinsel. Even the music sounds

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like it was composed for a pharmaceutical commercial about seasonal depression.

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Side effects may include festive melancholy and unexplained political unease.

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Next year's prediction that Nativity scene is going to get

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more gold than Trump's bathroom fixtures. Baby Jesus is about

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to go full real estate mogul. Merry Christmas America sleep tight.

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Portland just turned its annual tree lighting into a United

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Nations open mic night. Forget Christmas Carols, but we've got

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political chance, tribal acknowledgments, and enough performative activism to make

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a college sociology department look restrained. Imagine showing up to

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a Christmas tree lighting and getting a geopolitical lecture Ho

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ho ho, and free Palestine. Santa's going to need a

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degree in international relations this year. The city literally refused

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to say the word Christmas. It's now just the tree

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because nothing says holiday cheer like bureaucratic language so bland

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it could put a caffeine attict to sleep. They managed

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to include a Palestinian flag chant, a Native American Heritage

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Day tribute, and a strong Woman song all before actually

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lighting the tree. It's like they're playing cultural bingo, and

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Christmas spirit isn't even on the card. Seventy five feet

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of pure political tension, decorated with ten thousand light bulbs

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and zero traditional holiday joy. Portland's turned Christmas into performance art,

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and honestly, it's the most Portland thing imaginable. Buckle up

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for the most intense holiday drama this side of a

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Hallmark movie marathon. New York City's Christmas tree business it's

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basically the Sopranos meets a Charlie Brown Christmas. Imagine spending

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four hundred thousand dollars on pine trees, not a yacht,

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not a tech startup Christmas trees. These guys are basically

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agricultural venture capitalists, with more drama than a soap opera

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and less predictable income than a freelance comedian. We've got

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five main tree families battling it out like they're protecting

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their turf in some festive mafia movie. George Smith, who

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started by getting his bike stolen and ended up in

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the tree trade, is basically the Michael Corleoni of Christmas commerce.

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From a stolen bicycle to running a tree empire. That's

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some New York pivot game. And get this, these trea

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sellers are operating like special forces. They've got secret farm

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locations more classified than CIA documents. Oregon, Michigan, North Carolina.

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These aren't just states, these are tree procurement zones. The

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documentary Merchants of Joy reveals that selling Christmas trees is

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apparently more complicated than most people's entire careers. Twenty four

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to seven tree stands, workers living in trailers, territorial disputes

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that would make gang leaders look like amateurs. One seller,

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Little Greg Walsh, recruits workers who are basically adventure sports professionals,

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fly fishermen, mountain climbers because nothing says Christmas spirit like

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hiring adrenaline junkies to sell Douglas First. The real kicker.

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These tree families help each other out competitive absolutely, but

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when push comes to shove, They're like a dysfunctional holiday family.

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Need some trees? I Got you is basically their version

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of Merry Christmas. Who knew Christmas Trees could be more

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cutthroat than Walsh St In New York City. Even holiday

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cheer comes with an attitude. Portions of today's show were

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made with the help of Ai