Jan. 24, 2025

The Art of the Declassify Deal

Show Notes
Transcript

Trump opens up the JFK files like they're his tax returns, Biden's farewell letter turns out nicer than his Twitter replies, and China builds a sun because apparently global warming wasn't enough. Plus: Trump discovers crypto, proving you can teach an old dog new digital tricks. Patrick Gutfield examines history, hidden files, and artificial heat waves in tonight's look at the headlines that make you wonder if reality needs a fact-checker.

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where Trump has more court dates than

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match dot com.

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This is valid, that's.

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Right, and if you were born in this country, you

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can stay for now, at least until the Chinese hit

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us with their artificial sun rays.

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Let's hit this.

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I'm Patrick Gutfield, and well, it looks like Trump tried

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writing an executive order with the same care he puts

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into his truth social posts. He announced he's ending birthright citizenship,

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you know, that little thing guaranteed by the fourteenth Amendment.

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But a judge looked at it and went, yeah, that's

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gonna be a no from me.

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Dog.

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Judge Coffin Hour and I love this, basically treated Trump's

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order like my mom treats those chain emails promising good

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luck straight to the trash. Called it blatantly unconstitutional, which

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in legal terms means are you kidding me with this?

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And you've got to appreciate the timing.

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This judge shut it down faster than mar A Lago

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closes its kitchen when the health inspector shows up three days.

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That's like ordering something on Amazon and having it returned

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before it even arrives. I mean, four states took one

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look at this order and raised to the courthouse like

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they were trying to get the last PS five before Christmas,

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and the judge was like, you know what, They've got

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a point. The Constitution isn't exactly written. In Disappearing inc.

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Trump's finally declassifying those assassination files, which means we're about

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to find out if JFK was actually killed by a

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time traveler trying to prevent the Cuban missile crisis. He

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handed the signing pen to RFK Junior, his pick for

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Health and Human Services, which is like putting Pete Davidson

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in charge of relationship counseling. I guess when you're looking

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for someone to run health policy, your first choice is,

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naturally the guy who's ns his weekends posting conspiracy theories

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on X. You know what's really something? Trump promised to

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release these files back in twenty seventeen. The National Archive

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says ninety seven percent of the JFK files are already public,

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which means the remaining three percent is probably just Lee

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Harvey Oswald's Spotify playlist, and Congress originally said these had

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to be released within twenty five years. They passed that

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law in nineteen ninety two, so technically these files are

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more overdue than a Jets' playoff appearance.

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At this point.

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The only conspiracy theory I believe is that they're keeping

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these files secret because everyone's handwriting was embarrassingly bad. Trump's

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jumping into crypto faster than he jumps to conclusions on Twitter.

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He's appointed David Sachs as crypto Czar, which I assume

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comes with a special blockchain powered crown. The Trumps are

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launching more tokens than a Chucky cheese. We've got trump Coin,

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Milania coin, and even a fake Avanka coin that Avanka

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had to publicly disavow. That's right, someone's out there impersonating

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an impersonator of a successful businesswoman, and we wouldn't want

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any rubes falling for a con job meme coin named

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after one of the Trumps, now, would we. Now there's

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a Cryptocurrency Working Group, because what this administration really needed

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was more people who don't understand how things work trying

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to regulate how things work. At this rate, Eric Trump's

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probably wondering why he can't turn his Pokemon cards into NFTs.

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You know things are getting weird when Evanka Trump is

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the voice of financial reason. She's out there warning people

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about crypto scams like she's trying to make up for

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those Chinese voting machine patents. Biden left Trump a letter

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in the resolute desk, which marks the first time Trump's

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ever been excited to find paper that wasn't marked classified.

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The letter was surprisingly warm, unlike most notes left in

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the Oval office that usually just say the Wi Fi

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password is White House one, two, three, four. Biden wrote

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this whole beautiful message about prosperity and peace, which Trump

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probably read while wondering why it wasn't written in all

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caps with random quotation marks.

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Biden even welcomed Trump with welcome.

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Home, which is exactly what I say to the pizza

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delivery guy when he shows up. And before leaving the

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Bidens took one final selfie in the White House, probably

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using the same angle we all used to hide our

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double chins.

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The whole thing was so civil.

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It's like watching your divorced parents be nice to each

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other at your graduation. So while we are selling meme coins,

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China's got an artificial son, yes, artificial son, and at

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us broke records by running for one thousand and six seconds,

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which is longer than most New Year's resolutions. Lif they've

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basically created a mini sun that burns at one hundred

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and eighty million degrees, or, as my apartment's radiator likes

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to call it, October. You know you're dealing with some

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serious heat when they measure it in household microwave ovens.

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Their heating system now has the power of one hundred

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and forty thousand microwaves. That's enough to reheat every leftover

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takeout container in Asia. And get this, They're doing all

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this to recreate nuclear fusion, the same process that powers

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the actual Sun. It's like China looked at the Sun

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and said, nice star, we'll make our own.

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They say this could lead to endless clean energy.

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Which sounds great until you realize that we're basically keeping

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a star in a jar.

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What could go wrong?

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The whole thing's part of this international project called ITER,

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which I assume stands for is this extremely reckless?

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But hey, if it works, we.

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Might find only have enough energy to power all those

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bitcoin mines they keep finding in abandoned warehouses. Portions of

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today's program were created with the help of cold Fusion,

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AI and trump Coin, and I'm pretty sure only one

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of those is real.