Aug. 27, 2025

Swift Justice: Taylor's Engagement, Detention Center Branding, and Flesh-Eating Parasites

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield breaks down Trump's surprising blessing of the Swift-Kelce engagement, the administration's catchy new names for detention centers (from "Alligator Alcatraz" to "Cornhusker Clink"), Vanity Fair's staff meltdown over a potential Melania cover, JD Vance's creative take on World War Two history, and America's first case of screwworm - because nothing says "welcome to Twenty Twenty Five" like flesh-eating parasites and government trolling.

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Callarogus shark media from Washington, DC, where putting Taylor Swift

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in an episode title is good for downloads. This is ballid.

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That's right. Congrats to Taylor Swift. Is the algorithm picking

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all this up. Let's hit this. Taylor Swift and Travis

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Kelcey are engaged. I'm Patrick Gutfield, and President Trump has

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officially waded with his blessing. Trump told reporters during a

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cabinet meeting, you know, while discussing important matters of state,

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I wish of them a lot of luck. I think

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he's a great player. I think he's a great guy.

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I think that she's a terrific person. So I wish

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them a lot of luck. This is particularly fascinating because

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Trump and Swift haven't exactly been pen pals. She's been

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critical of him in the past and he's returned the favor.

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But apparently an engagement announcement is enough to call a

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temporary ceasefire in their ongoing cultural war. The real question

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is whether Trump was asked about this engagement during the

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cabinet meeting, or if he just volunteered his opinion picture this.

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They're discussing foreign policy and suddenly Trump interrupts with, by

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the way, great news about Taylor and Travis. Tremendous couple,

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really tremendous. It's also worth noting that Trump managed to

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compliment both of them without taking any credit for their relationship,

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which shows remarkable restraint. Usually when something good happens, he

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finds a way to connect it back to his presidency.

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The Trump administration has decided that immigration detention centers need catchy,

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alliterative names, and we've gone from Alligator Alcatraz in Florida,

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to Speedway Slammer in Indiana to the newly announced Cornhusker

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Klink in Nebraska. Apparently someone in the White House discovered

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that marketing detention facilities like theme parks was the missing

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piece of immigration policy. What's next Buckeye Brigg in Ohio?

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Lone Star lock Up in Texas. The President has even

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joked that detainees in Florida should learn the best way

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to run from an alligator in case they escape, which

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is helpful advice, I suppose, though probably not the kind

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of life skills workshop you'd expect from federal detention facilities.

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The administration is calling this government by troll, which is

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apparently their official strategy. Now, the facilities themselves sound about

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as pleasant as you'd expect from places with joke names.

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Detainees at Alligator Alcatraz complain that lights stay on all

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night and the tense leak during rainstorms. A federal judge

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actually ordered much of the facility dismantled last week, but

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Florida is appealing and planning to open a second center

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called Deportation Depot, because apparently Alligator Alcatraz wasn't quite catchy enough.

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Vanity Fair's new boss wants to put Malania Trump on

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the cover, and the staff is having what can only

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be described as a complete meltdown. We're talking full scale

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apocalypse here. The global editorial director Mark Guaiducci floated this idea,

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and one editor immediately decl they would walk out the

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mother effing door and take half the staff with them.

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He's also had it with the snakes on the plane.

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This particular editor went on to say they'd rather bad

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groceries at Trader Joe's than put Malani on the cover,

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and look, I respect the principle, but going from editing

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glossy magazine spreads to asking paper or plastic is quite

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the career pivot. This same editor guaranteed that half the

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editorial staff would walk out half. They've apparently conducted an

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internal poll on Malania induced resignations. What did they do?

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Pass around a clipboard in the breakroom circle? Yes, if

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you'll quit over a cover photo. But then reality kicked in.

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Another employee basically said, yeah, right, it's all talk. Vice

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President JD. Vance decided to share his own unique understanding

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of history on Meet the Press. When asked about Ukraine,

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Vance confidently declared that all wars end in compromise and

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to goiation. His examples world War One and World War II.

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Now I'm no history professor, but I'm pretty sure World

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War Two didn't end with everyone sitting around a conference

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table splitting the difference. It ended when Germany collapsed and

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Hitler killed himself, followed by Japan's surrendering after two atomic bombs.

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That's not negotiation, that's complete and total defeat. Hey, we

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will surrender if you stop annihilating our cities. So, the

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United States has confirmed its first case of something called screwworm,

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which sounds like either a rejected Marvel villain or something

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you'd find in your junk drawer, or maybe something you'd

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find in the Epstein files, But no, this is actually

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a flesh eating parasite that a traveler brought back from

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Central America. The Department of Health and Human Services announced

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this cheerful news, explaining that someone returned from El Salvador

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carrying these delightful little passengers. Now. Screwworms are parasitic flies

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whose females lay eggs and wounds, and when those eggs hatch,

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hundreds of larvae burrow through living flesh, like tiny, hungry

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contractors renovating your body without permission. They get their name

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because the maggot's feeding pattern resembles a screw being driven

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into wood, which is exactly the kind of imagery you

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want when discussing parasites eating you alive. The government is

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assuring everyone that the risk to public health is very low,

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which is also the government that promised us COVID would

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be gone by Eastern portions of today's show were made

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with the help of AI Release the Epstein Files. You

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cowered