July 29, 2024

Sex With a Couch

Show Notes
Transcript

All things considered, if someone DID have sex with a couch, is THAT what we're going to let bother us?

Trump said that in 4 years you won't need to vote. Maybe let's focus on that.

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Calarogu shark media from Washington, d C. Where I've never

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had sex with a This is ballot. That's right, but hey,

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good news, you won't have to vote anymore. Wait what,

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let's hit this. In a speech that was supposed to

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be all about faith and values, Trump managed to drop

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a bombshell that's got everyone from Democrats to his own

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supporters scratching their heads. Trump said, Christians, get out and vote.

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Just this time. You won't have to do it anymore.

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You got to get out and vote. In four years,

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you don't have to vote again. We'll have it fixed.

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So good, you're not gonna have to vote. Well, g Donald,

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that's not suspicious at all. The Democrats, of course, are

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having a field day with this. They're treating Trump's words

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like they're the political equivalent of finding money in the

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couch cushions. And believe me, you don't want to search JD.

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Vance's couch cushions. Adam Shiff's practically doing cartwheels reminding everyone

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that democracy is on the ballot. Thanks for the newsflash, Adam. Meanwhile,

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the Trump campaign is in full damage control mode, trying

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to convince us that Trump was just talking about uniting

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the country, because nothing says unity like suggesting we might

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not need to vote anymore. Right, And let's not forget

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the Harris campaign jumping on this faster than a cat

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on a mouse. They're painting Trump as it would be

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dictator quicker than you can say constitutional crisis. Even the

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Christian right is raising an eyebrow. When you've got the

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conservative pastors worried, you know you've really stepped in it. Well, folks,

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it looks like the Democrats have decided to trade in there.

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Trump is a threat to democracy playbook for a new strategy.

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Trump is just plain weird. It's like they've gone from

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warning about the apocalypse to pointing out that the emperor's

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new clothes are well a bit odd. Kamala Harris, our

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newly minted Democratic nominee, is leading the charge with all

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the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Is Donald Trump okay? She asks?

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I mean I can answer that one if you need

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me to. And let's not forget Governor Tim Waltz, who's

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apparently channeling his inner high school teacher to call out

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Trump's behavior. Have you seen the guy laugh? He asks,

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as if he's critiquing a student's performance, in the school

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play rather than a former president. It's like he's trying

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to turn the election into a popularity contest. Oh wait,

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isn't that what elections are anyway? Also, is the Harris'

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strategy really to get into who laughs weirder? That's not

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a good strategy, Kamala. That must be from some Biden

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era holdovers who wanted to portray Trump as being a

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really old guy being propped up by his senior staff.

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Mayor Pete, not to be outdone, jumps on the bandwagon

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with his own zinger. Trump is clearly older and stranger

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coming from Mayor Pete. That's practically a mic drop moment.

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But here's the kicker. This new strategy seems to be working.

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Harris's favorability ratings are jumping faster than a cat on

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a hot tin roof. It's like the Democrats have discovered

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a political fountain of youth. Just call your opponent weird

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and watch your numbers sore. Trump is like, that strategy

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is so twelve years ago. Welcome to the party. Meanwhile,

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the Republicans are probably wondering if they can return jd

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Vance for store credit. Chuck Schumer's gleefully pointing out that

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Vance might be the best thing to happen to Democrats since,

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well since Trump himself. JD. Vance's political career is turning

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into a spectacle more entertaining than a three ring circus.

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First off, let's talk about those favorability ratings underwater by

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three points. That's not just underwater, that's Titanic level deep.

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And with forty one percent of voters not even sure

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who he is, Vance might want to consider wearing a

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hello my name is sticker on the campaign trail. But wait,

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it gets better. We've got resurfaced clips of Vance calling

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Democrats childless cat ladies. Really, JD, that's your strategy, insulting

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potential voters based on and their family status. It's like

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he's trying to win a game of how to lose

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friends and alienate people. And then there's the Harris campaign's response,

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Happy World IVF Day to everyone except JD. Vance. Ouch,

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that's not just a burn, that's a third degree political scorching.

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Even Jennifer Aniston's weighing in. When you've got friend stars

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against you, you know you're in trouble. But the real

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cherry on top of this political Sunday, the ap had

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to publish an article titled no, JD. Vance did not

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have sex with a couch and then retract it. I mean,

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when you're having to deny intimate relations with furniture, you

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know your campaign's gone off the rails. It's like Vance

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is playing political Jenga, and with every move he's pulling

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out another support block. At this rate, the whole tower

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is going to come crashing down before we even get

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to November. Who is JD Vance anyway? Is he James

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Donald Bowman or is it James David Hamill or maybe

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JD Vance with periods? I'm getting dizzy just trying to

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keep up our man. JD has gone through more name

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changes than a Witness Protection Program participant. Born James Donald Bowman,

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he became James David Hammill faster than you can say

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adoption papers, only to end up as JD. Vance. It's

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like he's playing a high stakes game of political musical chairs,

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but with names. And let's not forget the great period

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debate of twenty twenty one. Apparently those two little dots

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were just too much punctuation for a man on the move.

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Who has time for periods when you're busy running for office.

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It's efficiency, folks, But here's the kicker. Vance's name changes

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aren't just about syllables and spelling. Oh no, they're a

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window into his very soul, from distancing himself from his

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biological father to honoring his beloved mama. Each name tells

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a story. It's like reading Hillbilly Elogy all over again,

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but with more paperwork. Jimmy Fallon watched Biden's speech last

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week and said it was a very graceful speed, and

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then Biden surprised everyone by announcing his candidacy for twenty

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twenty eight. Jimmy also joked about Malania's book, saying, at

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Malania's request, her book in Trump's book will be in

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the same store, but sold in separate sections. Stephen Colbert said, now,

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Trump said a lot of crazy stuff, but there's an

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explanation for that. He crazy. Now that they see which

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way the wind is blowing, the Obamas have officially joined

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team Kamala, and they're not just dipping their toes in,

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They're diving in head first. It's like watching the coolest

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kids in school decide who gets to sit at their

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lunch table, and Kamala just scored the golden ticket. Barack's

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post on x because apparently Twitter is so last administration

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reads like a mix between a proud parent and a

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hype man. We think she'll make a fantastic president, he says,

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no pressure, Kamala, just the hopes and dreams of the

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entire Democratic Party riding on your shoulders. I'd like to

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take a moment to thank the politicans for giving us

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a weekend off. Things have been so crazy around here

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that had sex with a couch seems like a calm

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news day. It's been so crazy that even my ex

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girlfriend Norma, was like, man, they need to calm the

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hell down and stop nagging the electorate about driving them

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to the Mall portions of today's program were made with

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the help of AI, especially that Norma joke. She's a

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totally fictional character, not based on anyone from my life.

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See you tomorrow.